The Mosaic of Mothering: Beyond Biology with Brenda Susor l S1E066

Welcome, everybody, welcome back to a call for love. And today I'm going to introduce someone very special. But before I do that I have some announcements to make. So the first one is that I have recorded 65 episodes of a call for love, and eight bonus episodes, which have been meditations. And so with that in mind, and the summer coming, I have decided that a call for love will be coming out every second week. So not every week, not weekly, but every second Tuesday for your listening pleasure. And it's just, you know, this time of year, there's so much I've already recorded. And I will resume back in September with weekly recordings. But for the time being a call for love, every new episode will come out every second week. And the other thing is, today, we are going to continue the conversation about mothers because, as you know, last week, I was talking about honoring our mothers, and we have just had Mother's Day celebrated Mother's Day. And I would like to continue the conversation about mothers, especially since May, it reminds me of the feminine, right, it reminds me of maternal and nurturing and the divine feminine. So in that case, we are going to continue that conversation. Because since episode 65, has come out about honoring mothers, especially my mother's life lessons, so many people have actually come up to me and said, Wow, that brought tears to my eyes, thinking and talking about your mother and I shared it on social media. And a lot of people, a lot of women, particularly men two said that they want to start that tradition about asking those four questions. So you can go back to Episode 65, to learn more from there, if that resonates with you. But that in mind, when I was talking to some people, I had a very positive upbringing with my mother, but not all women, men people have. And so that's why actually I have created this inner child bundle, because what happens is, is that we're growing up as Marianne Williamson says, things can happen to us. And it's not our fault. But it's our responsibility to heal. We don't want to carry over things into the next generation. And so I've actually created this inner child bundle. And I took out healing. And I'm replacing it with nurturing, because I feel like healing is very, very important. And I do feel that I offer healing in my in things that I do. But we want to nurture our inner child, we want to empower our younger self, in order to be the people who we are now as adults. And so this offering has 30 printable inner child cards, and they're really beautiful. Actually, my guest has a set, which you can print off and you can actually share with people. And I've included a su their inner child meditation and attachment styles, you know, how our parents brought us up, and how we learned healthy, and sometimes unhealthy attachment styles, and then inner child self compassion practice. So that will be in the show notes, and the link to Episode 65. In the meantime, I would like to continue the conversation about our mothers. And I want to do that with a very special home. Now one of my very, very favorite authors is Richard wagamese. And his book embers one of two ways, meditations. I have read from this book before in one of the earlier episodes, it's a treasure. You know, when I'm leaving the house and I'm leading a class or even with clients, I grabbed this book, this is my go to book. It's absolutely fantastic, is very heartfelt. And he Richard wagamese was actually born in Northwest Ontario, Canada, and he has won many awards. He has since passed. His life was a challenging life to say the least. But his messages are super profound and heartfelt. And so we are going to begin here and this is a dialogue between him which he calls me and old woman. And it goes like this. Me. I miss my mother sometimes. Really bad, old woman. Maybe try missing her real Wow, me. How do I do that? Old woman? See that sunrise. See how beautiful the colors are? How clear and clean the air feels, how good it feels inside of you. Me? Yes, it's wonderful, old woman. She lives in that. So maybe just say, Thanks, mom. When you see and feel things like that I miss my mother really well, now. It's a beautiful poem, because I lost my mother in 2021. And I know there's a lot of people, especially in my age group, that have lost their mothers, or you know, it's inevitable, because that's the circle of life. And so when we have lost our mothers, especially in this month of May, when we honor Mother's Day, it can really be a tender, tender feeling a tender month, noticing and feeling that loss. And I'd like to just say that, it's really important to keep the memories of our mother alive. Even though it may be emotional, it may be really difficult sometimes. But there's always going to be something that you notice. And it's like, wow, that just reminds me of my mom, or a story or a lesson that your mother taught you through her example, by example. And that's what I want to talk to my guests today about Brenda Souza, and she is not only a friend, but she has done so much with me, she attended the emotional freedom course, and was so pivotal in sharing her thoughts and feelings, she really dove in there. And I really want to thank you for that, Brenda, because you are a life seeker, as you have said and shared. And Brenda is from the United States. And I'm in Canada, and we actually met taking our training with David G, wisdom masters meditation teacher training, which was absolutely pivotal in my life. And so Brenda, welcome to a call for love.

Well, thank you. Glad to be here. And I love that poem. Very nice.

Yeah, it's really touching. You know, if we're bad, let's just take it out of our vocabulary. I miss my mother very well, like this is just such a simple but different twist.

Yeah. Yeah, I, I had heard the word bad today in something else that I was just thinking about. And it made me feel the same way. It's like, Well, wait, why do you feel bad? You know, it's like, but you don't really feel bad. You know, it's just a word that we use to kind of not being able to identify what we really feel, you know. And

it is okay to not be great all the time. It is, but instead of bad, maybe saying nostalgic, or maybe feeling a little bit of a loss or a miss, which is only natural because I know your mother has passed away, correct?

Yes. 15 years ago,

she's 15 years. Okay, so let's just begin this conversation. What do you miss about your mom?

Well, in fact, May, she was here when she was receiving chemo. And we have this beautiful chestnut tree. And it has 12 inch blossoms. No kidding. And my mom loved it. And so always during May at this time, I see those. And I miss her now for that or I miss not being able to call her up to get a recipe, or I might want my recipe book and I find a recipe written by her. And I have a few articles of her clothing and some those kinds of things just to help me feel closer to her. And also I have a necklace that she willed to me and that is very, very special to me. And I go back looking through our pictures and I love looking at her smiling and I can picture her just laughing. You know what it sounded like? A lot of different things. But yes, she's was a wonderful woman. And I am glad to have had her as my mother.

And that beautiful I have a necklace from my mother as well that I wear and I love it because you wear it close to your heart. So it feels very tender. But I want to share a story so my mother would always go to Cloverdale mall it was this little mall near us and is really populated by the older generation. In any case, my mother had been gone like a year and a half. So we decided some of the girls, some of my sisters and her adopted daughters that we would go to the mall. And so we were sitting there, and we were sitting at the table. And all of a sudden I turned around and looked down. And sure enough, there was a dime. And you know, the symbolism of the dime is that somebody from, you know, who has left this material world is acknowledging that they're there. And I was like, Oh, I just really felt her there. I, it's, it's my senses were where's the dime. And I said, I put it in such a safe place that I don't know where it is. Yeah, there's something my mother would have done. But I love those little things of thinking of our mothers.

Towards the end, we had sister daughter weekend, and that was, my mother had not been away from my dad, for a weekend in 45 years. And so we had sister daughter weekend, and we saw my mom, just let loose and laugh. And you know, we played cards and went shopping, did all the girls stuff, you know, but it was really that's a fun memory to have my Yeah,

beautiful. Say those things, we have to keep them up. As I said, last week on a call for love, you know, those traditions, by is interesting also, because today, I had the privilege of meeting my son's girlfriend's mother. And I sat on the side of the table with my son, and I looked at his girlfriend and her mother, and I had a little bit of sadness, that I didn't have a daughter, I have two wonderful sons. Amazing. I'm so grateful. But I didn't have a daughter. And I just see these mother daughter relationships. And I had such a great one with my mother. And it sounds like you do too. And I have sisters. And I know you do too. But you know, I kind of felt like I was kind of missing out not having a daughter. How do you feel? Oh, well, I

don't have children. And that was kind of actually decided early on in my life when I was nine. And I still remember exactly. But I thought you know what, when I got married, I thought, you know, I think I maybe I will have a child. And as the time went on, I decided it wasn't a good idea. And because I didn't really feel that I would have given her the things that she needed for him. So but that was just my insecurities at the time. So got out of that marriage and, and then my second marriage, I wanted to have a child because I really enjoyed Mike, I thought, oh, he'll be a really, this would be a really good situation. And but he didn't, he already had a child and he didn't want it. And so I had to make that decision at 42 that I was not going to have a child of my own.

That's interesting conversation because we've had this privately and it makes me think that not everyone is a mother. Not everyone has a mother. But not everyone is a mother. And is very interesting. And just to hear your perspective. And I'm shocked at actually at nine years old, you knew you didn't want it, maybe possibly have children. Wow, I didn't know that.

Yes, my home life wasn't the greatest. And so I I just didn't want to bring up a child. I didn't know how to bring up a child in a safe environment, I think I don't really know. But it was just something that where I was just standing and it was annoying. And it was like, I'm not going to have children. And I guess I kind of stuck with me. However, I also think I was a mother at one point because I'm a teacher.

Okay, so now this is the next phase. We're going in the next area. I am so glad you brought that up. Because I do believe a lot of us Mother. Even though we're not biological mothers, we mother we nurture and doesn't even even have to be from the female really. So as a school teacher, how many years did you you taught your whole adult life? Correct? Right. 30 years? Yeah. 30 years. Oh, we have that in common. So tell us about how you really nurtured that mothering in you through your students.

Well had a group of students that are new to the country. That was like my second tenure, the last 10 years of my teaching career. I taught at the middle school level. And I had students that were from Laos, Thailand, and pretty much anywhere in the country anywhere in the world. But I had a special group of students called the Hmong and they actually fought in a war, a CIA secret war for the United States. And so they came to the United States as immigrants and Refugees. So their culture is totally different from ours. And when I taught in middle school, I had this program where I would, I would start an NGO in September. And then we would, of course, you know, I would teach them about the fall, I would teach them about the ducks flying in a V formation. I taught them the traditions of thanksgiving. So I was kind of like the in between of cultures, you know, I was teaching them about our culture. The the students, the Hmong students, were bullied a lot. So one day, this is just to tell you about my mothering instinct that came out. Yeah. mother hen might want to call me. They came upstairs from breakfast. And I'm like, wait, wait, what's going on here? There's something not right here because kids were could see the steam coming out of their ears. And they finally one of the kids spoke up and said, well, they were, you know, bullying juror. And I'm not even sure if that's his name. But okay. And I'm like, wait, no, wait, wait, wait, what happened here? So I got everybody's perspective on the story. And then I tried to teach them how to handle their anger. So we went we wrote, We went outside running. And because I wanted, because in their culture, they don't they were taught you do not fight back, you know. So I wanted to show them different ways in which they could handle their anger and release their anger. And, you know, but that just got my hair up in the back of my neck when, when you I call I always call all my students, my kids, you know, people, like, I didn't know you had children. I said, Oh, well, my students, but I call them my kids. So, but that day that came up, you know, being protective of my students. And I mean, there were countless times when I know, one of the girls would come up stairs, she was crying, and she would open up to me, and but they, but they had to have that level of trust. And since I've worked with them, sometimes two years in a row, because you would have the kids from seventh and eighth grade. And so you get to know them, you get to know the family. And so I was actually their American mom, I could say, but they never call me mother, because they know you don't bet in their culture. You didn't do that. And I want to tell you just recently, last week, a student texted me. And it's a student that I met when she was when I was a substitute teacher. After I retired I, I really like teaching, I like working with kids. So I substituted at the school. And I knew that this girl, I thought while she was gone three days, this was back on probably 10 years ago. And so when she came back, I said, is everything, okay? And she said, Yes, I wasn't feeling well. And I go, okay, you know, and I said, if you want to come in, you know, at the end of the day for like, study hall, you can come and I'll help you. She was okay. And so she I helped her a little bit. And the next day, she gave me a card. And she's in it. She said, You're the only per teacher and you're a substitute. You're the only teacher that asked me how I was in three days, because I was, you know, when kids are gone for three days, that's serious stuff, you know. And so, during the last 10 years, we've been in touch a little bit here and there, but I just recently, and she's had some run ins with her parents, she's like, can I come and stay at your house? And I'm like, I know the culture. And I just didn't want to stand between that. So she called me or she texted me and said, How are you doing Mrs. Souza? And that just touched my heart and so that she would still reach out to me

in that beautiful so what you're saying is that you mothered these Hmong students. And you they were your like your American mom, they it's that's so beautiful. I've had students especially in kindergarten, they say mummy when they mean teacher, because you know, yeah. But this is the conversation that I wanted to bring up, because last week I talked about our mothers, and this week is talking about us mothering, and it could be our own biological children. Or it could be mothering just children in general. And I think the role of a teacher, which is very respectful, is that you do mother these these children. And that is the My mother always thought being a teacher was she was very proud to have me as a teacher. And it seems like you are carrying that pride to because you really use your maternal instincts. And by the way, I think you would have been a beautiful mother. If you had changed and you do You would have to choose, that's the thing. I know many people who don't have their own children, but thy mother, and that's what we want, because we're all part of this global human consciousness.

Well, and you know what, the nicest compliment that I got was from my interpreter, because the I had a hit Hmong interpreter, and I had a Hispanic interpreter because I had kids from Mexico. I worked with her for a year, and she went on to, you know, on to another school and then decided to become a teacher. While when she had her first son. She asked me to be the Medina. And my Spanish isn't that good. But you know, I can go to level two. And I'll take it, you know, I get, I get a little card, I might get a little plant, she sends me videos of, you know, he's just learning to play violin. And I'm like, Oh, look at that. And so we just last week, you know, at the end of the year, they all have concerts, I was the godmother, that got to go to his, you know, his band is violin concert. And so in that way, I do feel like a mother to you know, so I my godmother and I looked in, in in the Mexican in the his Mexican culture, that's a huge responsibility. You know, you need to teach about finances you need to and it's it's more in depth than it is from my point of view, because I'm also a godmother to my sister's son. But you you teach finances you teach etiquette you taught you, you have to bring them up, and especially as the godmother, you want to talk about your faith and being a good person. And so that really touched me when she asked me to be the godmother, and Mike is they have to cover the patina also. Yeah, so yeah, you're right. I mean, we, we mother, all of we mother, more than we know. And we don't have to have the label as a mother. And, you know, I was talking to Mike and you know, the best thing about not being a mother in school, is I could mother them there. And then I could go home. And I didn't. I didn't need to very, you know, bring that home with me. And then try to Mother them there because you know, but I thought that was pretty funny. So

yeah, you could be refreshed. Yes. Okay. With kids, because kids, we all love them. But they are really exhausting. Because of their high energy and their needs. I was in that chapter in the Forgotten children. And I actually wrote about how our children are being emotionally neglected because it I always said, Good Parenting is hard. bad parenting is easy. And a low I don't like the word good and bad. It's just the level of time and attention and mothering or parenting takes time. It takes energy. It takes intention, loving kindness, compassion, empathy, everything. And that's why whatever we experienced in our upbringing, and I love how you said, and I don't know if the listeners caught this, but you said you loved your mother and you she was a wonderful woman, and you appreciate her now that she's been gone. But you also said that you had a tough childhood. Isn't that interesting that you can have a tough childhood. And you can still hold space and love and empathy and compassion for not just the mother that you had. We're talking about mothers here fathers too. But you can see them as human beings doing the best they could.

Thank you for recognizing that I, I had a difficult childhood. My mother got abused physically and emotionally. And yet, I saw her just pick herself up. And she always had our best intentions before her own and before anything, I think is something that I carried on to in teaching.

That's beautiful. I really love that you could identify that she had a pain point that she had her own inner child hurts. And that you could see her strength because she tried to turn that around. And it looks like being how responsible you are and how caring and loving you are. And to others and especially me You've always been really kind and let me to add to your students, your kids that you know maybe that has been something that you have healed and turned around because that's a really beautiful thing to hold space for. Knowing people's human frailty, and also noticing and honoring their strengths. Well,

the way you put it like that i That's nice, but it's just who I am. And I didn't really put it like that. So but thank you.

Great. Well, listen, this is a lot for people to digest here in this episode, because we talked about losing our mothers, but honoring our mothers if we're not a mother, but we still mother. And I want to point out here that our mothers aren't always perfect. But they are our teachers. What do you think? Yes,

teachers and guides. And I want to say Mike just lost his mom. And when we were over there in the last six months, I said, you don't animate I love you. She goes, you do. And before my mom died, I said, Mom, this, I made her a little book. And all of the traits that she had taught me compassion, kindness, generosity, whatever. And I said, she goes, I taught you that. I'm like, Yes, Mom. So you know, we need to tell our parents now that we love them. Tell them like your you know, you said, What things that we appreciate about them? And because we're not going to get that chance. So that is so important. Yeah,

it's super important. And I'm really glad that we summarize this whole episode with that. Tell people you love them. Right? If it's our mothers, if it's our children, if it's our partners, if it's if it's the people that love is what makes the world go round, right? Wasn't there a song like that long time ago? So show the love or call for love? That is beautiful way to wrap it up? May you be the light, may you be the love. Okay, so thank you for joining. And I want to say thank you to all the listeners. You will get another episode in two weeks, which will be episode 67. And until then, from my heart to yours, Namaste