Thriving Beyond Mom Guilt with Morgan Tucker

Dr. Cliff Fisher: I think let go of the guilt like really focus on just being the best mom the best dad, in the moment like you can't plan for the future. I mean, you can plan for the future but you can't impact future you can only impact right now and the mistakes we made in the past just let them go and learn from them and, you know, show up for your kids family and partner.

Alright tribe, welcome to awaken greatness with Dr. Cliff Fisher. And Morgan Tucker, brought to you by Dream leader Institute where we awaken your greatness and give you the tools to find and create your greatest self and raise the consciousness of the planet. I'm super excited to have this conversation even though I'm not qualified at all to have the conversation. I just know my life experience with it. We talked about business last time, we're going to talk about family and we're gonna talk about mom guilt. And I think there's a space in that where it's, it's just a really hard space, both directions. So what do you what's your initial thoughts, Morgan, then we'll dive in.

Man, Mom guilts, the real deal. And it doesn't matter what side of the table that you're sitting at whether, you know, you're the amazing stay at home mom, that is the all supportive, you know, spouse, or you're the working mom, that that is trying to figure out how to balance life and work. There's guilt on both sides. And it is real in all directions. So this is this is literally for anybody and everybody. Yeah,

Dr. Cliff Fisher: I know. And we're getting ready for this episode. Like we were growing up, my mom was a single mom, so she had to work three jobs will go to nurse, she went to nursing school. And I didn't see her much. And she didn't really have, there wasn't like a choice of whether to work or not work. And so I know when I was in that I was like, I want to have the family that the mom doesn't have to work. And so. So that was the world we created. And it was super interesting, especially with my ex wife. So my first wife worked in the business with me. And I remember, like, when our family was starting to suffer, and the work was starting to suffer, I said, What if you just pulled away took care of our family, we can hire somebody to do the work in the office. And she's like, the two things she said was, nobody can do the job that I'm doing. And then what would we do without my income? And like, I'm like, we own the company, like, it would just blow through a different way. Yeah, no, it's a few conversations, the two things she said. And so I don't know what you feel, because I know you're the breadwinner, like you've always been that. Yeah. How do you feel in that space? Well,

yes, it is, it is truly a delicate, and flow and kind of like we talked about, in the first episode that life is movement. So there really isn't such thing as as balancing work and life. Because life is ever moving. And it's like, if you take a breath, it something's going to shift. So really trying to figure out how to see the business for what it is the family for what it is, and the spaces that we're in it the ebbs and flows because they're just, we're in different seasons. And so sometimes the business demands more while the family is, is at a pretty good pace. And then you know, something will happen with family and we're, you know, the business just kind of has to maintain where it is. And, and so there's, there's, there's guilt associated within all honesty, because I can totally, I can totally relate with your family when we're going to do if I step away, you know, we and we've had, we've had seasons where we have, have had to step away because of family things and I've had to rely on more people in the business, which means our profit checks go down. Right? We're not directly involved in you know, and then on the other side, you know, now we've got some chain big changes in the business and so we're trying to stabilize the family where we are, and it's like, you know, when we have little kids so, you know, showing up and being present for you know, Lion King plays, archery tournaments, and, you know, daycare, somebody's got a runny nose or strep throat or something, you know, it's it's real and all fronts and I think, especially in these economic times where we are, you know, working may not and not working may not be an option for you. All right. So, you know, taking, taking the guilt Out of that space is hard, hard to do. But we do what's necessary. And I have, I've learned a lot through in this space about how to prioritize well, really kind of stop listening to people that don't have any input. Yeah, right. They the best. That's probably one of my number ones.

Dr. Cliff Fisher: I think it's super weird where the comments come from, because they'll come from the weirdest places like I know, some of the people that commented on like, oh, you know, like, my wife, she runs our home, she's to our family. They're like, Oh, well, the kids are growing up, like, what's she going to do afterwards? I'm like, I don't know. Like, we still have work to do with our family. Like, there's, you know what I mean? Like, just because they go into high school does not mean the job's done. I think that's, yeah. Yes.

So I think, I think that mom's guilt, I think one of the spaces that I think would be really helpful would be, from a male perspective to just support the other person, whichever way they want to go, and not just be like, Oh, you need to do that. Like, I think we do a lot of shifting, like, oh, you should do this, or you should do that. versus, you know, how can I support you to do whatever you want to do? And I think that's really critical.

Yeah, I completely agree. And and there are women, amazing women that are cut out to just be homemakers. And where in this space that they thrive. That is where they are most valuable. And they are, that is where their creative genius lies. Me that is not my space. I have so much admiration for for moms that homeschool. I just I cannot get over the admiration for that because I wouldn't go completely nuts. And sometimes I can't wait to get my kids off to school. Like I love you begin

Dr. Cliff Fisher: to take me away commercial.

But it's a I know that that for me. And I think also something that may have been underlying speaking to your you know, for your ex wife, as well as she found a lot of her purpose in the businesses. Oh, yeah. Yep. I think when we connect ourselves, and we find a place that in the workplace that we thrive. And it's maybe not at home, all the time, there's, there's guilt associated with that, but it's who we are. And that we need to also be able to be just as true to ourselves as we are to our children. And that it is of the utmost importance for us to as moms and dads, not to lose who we truly are, as we are parents that it just becomes a part of who we are. And just a role that we take as we are trying to raise beautiful human beings, not necessarily good children. But, you know, adults that can, you know, contribute to life, and they have to see that within us. They have to be able to see us in our creative genius space, you know, and have that model for them. Because we learn everything. The majority of what we know as human beings is through imitation, right? So we're they're constantly watching who we are. And so if we are just one thing to our kids, they don't get the full scope of what it is to be a well rounded human. And that I think it's extremely healthy for our kids to see us in several different lights, whether it is in the workplace, or it's at home, or volunteering, going to church and serving in a church. You know, it is so good for us to be modeling what real life is for our kids. And if we're only parents focused on parenting, then we are weird doing our kids and then justice.

Dr. Cliff Fisher: Yeah, no, I totally agree. And earlier when you said that, like my ex wife was really good. Like she's super smart. Got a degree in chemistry, physics and math. super smart. And what one of the things that pulled her into there was, I was so focused on growing the business, that that's where I gave attention. I wasn't about the home. So then she, her role kind of grew because she's like, Oh, this is where I get acknowledged, this is where I get, you know, words of affirmation of what a great job you're doing at work. And I wasn't acknowledging the job at home the way I should have been. So it was such a fall down on my part.

Well, I don't think it is so unintentional, necessarily saying I don't value Yeah. Oh, it is where, and that oh, man, that just even leads into a whole nother segment of, you know, as you're doing this ebb and flow piece, and we are in the seasons, where, like we said, in the last episode, where your eyes are, is where is where the business and where the life is going. And so when we inadvertently give more attention to one versus the other, it just naturally suffers a little bit. And, you know, and you can, you can look at it as a suffer, or you can look at it as, hey, we've we've got some opportunities to be fully present in these moments. And I think that is really where I know daylight specifically has really helped me when I established a lot of my priorities for my home life. Andbalance, though, you with the, with the work, and you kind of get those together, you know, because they're, they're separate separate priorities for work versus separate priorities for your business.

And I got myself right, in a lot of it were even bookending my days of, hey, I have this morning routine that I try to stay really true to. And at the end of the day, I kind of cash out. You know, Hey, what did I get accomplished today? You know, and that everything in the middle can just be computer chaos and wind and, you know, Kid pick up and how many cars? Did we get to the drive thru today? versus how many chicken sandwiches are we doing all right, you know, health department, everything else, just a whirlwind happens in the middle. But if I can start my day, and end my day, with some grounding, attributes, I can show up better for my family. And for my work, I'll place it both in both eggs. And I always have gratitude on both hands, I start my day with gratitude. And I end my day with gratitude. Because it is so like us to be human and to gripe and complain about the busyness of our lives. When it's at one point, we were praying for the kids that we have now. We're praying for the busyness of the business that we have now where we were lonely and didn't have the friends that are asking us to say, you know, to come do things now. And instead of it being like, another kid birthday party this weekend, it becomes, hey, Lord, thank You for these friends. And thank you for these influences that we have, because there was a time that I was desperate for these connections. And so showing up in the moments, starting your days, right? And it just full transparency. I've got a 16 month old. So if I say that I'm going to start my day at 430 There's a lot of times that she starts my day with society, all of a sudden, we're going to skip you know, waking up at seven o'clock, like we have been doing and now son mom's up at 430 So guess where I am? That's real life too. You know, especially little kids. Like, you know, I'm like when I'm sitting there trying to pray and do my meditation and just hear uh oh over the over this, you know, the outlet going oh

Dr. Cliff Fisher: because I'm on the other end of that. I have a 2517 to 25 year old and you know what I wouldn't give to have them little again to say Hey, Dad, let's cut a watch you know? Like, you're never gonna get that back. And I think one of the biggest things, we started our family a couple months, like, like in October, so like five months ago, was where did you win today? And where do you want to win tomorrow? And that has been such a cool thing. Just even with my wife out of town, like, my daughter and I were still doing we're doing today, where do you want to win this week? And I have learned so much about her in that space, versus how was your day it was it's such a different space, and we get more of what we asked for. So we just seem like, as a family, we just keep winning, winning, winning, because that's what we keep asking.

So that's so cool to you. Because my family we started, especially the older girls, who are 12 and nine, we're like, hey, what was what was the heifer today? What when were you, your happiest today? And so they'll and they'll tell us the scenario and then say, hey, when, you know, what was the low for today? What was the point? And even through asking these questions, you know, and this is just real life, I've found out that my older daughters is having some bullying at school. And I probably would have never known that if I was just like, hey, how's your day, you know, last night and being fully engaged in the moment where we are. Like, we keep saying, Tom, just probably about every episode, you know, now, like, all we have is this moment. Yep, said be fully present in wherever moments you're in, show up, show up for work, show up for your kids show up for your spouse, show up for yourself. And that is, that's it. So when you go to you know, you lay your head on that pillow at night, you can say, You know what, God, I fully showed up today. And we do that every single day. And it's so much easier said than done. But your kids, you know, and I can't speak for for your mom and your experience of that my dad, my dad's mom was I was a single mom before as well and had multiple jobs. So so I know, I know that too. And but my mom was a homemaker. Yeah. And so there was there were lots of times that I saw both sides of it as well. I saw my grandmother, who worked all the time. And then I had another great my other grandmother was a CEO of a major company in Atlanta, that had a big, beautiful office, and she wore the most beautiful suits and high heels. And you know, I will never forget this, you know, going up to her big office. And I said, I just want to be just like her. But I knew every day that even though she worked like that, and her husband was a basketball coach, she's a high school PE coach, speed teacher, you know, she showed up at home too. They never missed a home cooked meal. They never, she never missed a Grandparents Day for me. She never missed an opportunity to do something with me. And to show up when when I and it wasn't. I don't ever remember other than going up to her office, which was some of the most magical times for me. I don't ever remember her being absent for more. And so I use her a lot is a lot of my examples. And she was just the most kind. And she never let her exhaustion show. And I don't know how she did oh, I honestly don't know how she did a lot of that. Other than you know, I probably I equate it to like when she left work, there was not a cell phone attached to her. You know, and so she got to leave work at work and be at home and you know, when she was at home and I tried to capture some of those same things to really try not to to pull my phone up on where at home is a huge distraction as well takes takes you away from her moments.

Dr. Cliff Fisher: So on the mom guilt, it sounds like there's a lot of like things and so I think this is where like a couple episodes ago, Jonathan and I did on the priorities and I with mom guilt like how do you manage that? I think it's really setting the priority. And then the other thing guilt. And I think I told you this, when we first came up with the topic, guilt is a lot like a rocking chair, it'll keep you busy, but you don't get anywhere. And so I think guilt is one of those things, it's, it's a really bad feeling, and it doesn't do anything to help. And so just to have that space of forgiveness for yourself.

Yeah, and to have some practical strategies, and I'll, where this really won't, will suffice for the homemaker because, you know, you're, she's beautifully being able to accomplish a lot of these things. But if you if, if you're a working mom listening to this, one of my biggest strategies was to let go of the unnecessary cleaning my house, doing my laundry. So even at this point scan, I talked about, you know, in this season of visitors now, where I'm like, you know, what, there's a fish chef, that's just down the street, we may be going to get off. Yeah. Because he likes to eat at a certain time. And I know right now, the business is, is having to pull me into that timeframe, as well, within that window of his eating window. And a lot of that's just for his, you know, as he's building muscle and, and, you know, leaning out a lot in that he's got to be pretty structured, and, and a lot of his eating times. And so I also know that about my, you know, the priorities with the whole. And so and knowing my husband itself, so I'm trying to set myself up for success as much as you can. So planning actually has a good bit to do with it as well, you plan what you can? Oh, yeah, for sure. And so and, and most moms are going to do that. But it is it is absolutely vital that you plan some things and get rid of it, just get rid of the distractions that you can, you know, if that means you're gonna have to say no to some things on both sides. Yeah. You know, because when we, we're being the best version of ourselves, a lot of times when we say no, to this, especially to the unnecessary, because there will always be a PTA meeting, or a moms club that's looking for someone to volunteer to bring cupcakes, or, you know, especially when you are, you know, the next fundraiser school, you know, there's always going to be some something for that. And I'm not saying that you have to, you know, not do those things. But if those are, you know, not on your strong suit or your priorities, it is okay to say no to those things, because there are there are moms that that want to do those things. And so let them do them and do them well. Because when we, we say yes to everything, we're inadvertently saying no, to a lot of other things. Yeah,

Dr. Cliff Fisher: I always tell my team and family just like when we say yes to one thing, we're saying no to 1000 other things. And when we say no to one thing, we're saying yes to 1000 other opportunities. So they're 100% right on that, and I love that perspective. And really, it is making the priorities of priorities. And if it's important for you to do that, then there'll be other things you have to say no to so. And I know speaking from like, like my site, like with my wife, she stays home, she's takes care of our family. I Like honestly, like she's been gone for 12 days, and I'm like, it's a lot like everything she does between taking care of us, the our dog and our home, like she is like, always has that time and space and is always supportive of us. And I know I don't know what I would do without that.

Oh, yeah, absolutely. And you know, and right into that is, you know, society is we even start at the top of this episode where everybody's got an opinion. And, you know, column what you want Karen's care, you know, whatever they are, they're gonna always try to speak into your life and tell you what you should do VHS and all of those, but, you know, only only you know, what it what is best for your family and how to do that well. And, and really, if I can just even address the society, don't be a part of the problem. And instead of saying, This is what you should do, about turning around and asking, How can I help? Yeah, you know, and being in that face of a just humility. Not saying that I don't know anything about you or your circumstance, and I'm not going to impose my opinion on you. I don't know who you are. And you know, even if you are in a position that you can't help someone else necessarily, it costs nothing. To share a con word of encouragement, it costs nothing to to do a random act of kindness. Offer a hub. Yeah, to a mom, you know, take an extra pack an extra snack in your kid's bag for a kid whose mom may not be able to get to it, you know, or forgot about snack day. You know, there's, there's all kinds of things that we can do to lift and support each other up. And if you're a stay at home, mom, you are blessing and raised, we raised you up. And same for the Board's working mom, our blessing and we raise you up because we're all in this together on both sides, no matter where we are. We're all human beings trying to create lives that are great for not only ourselves, but for our children. And a simple act of servitude goes a long way. On all fronts.

Dr. Cliff Fisher: Yeah. 100%. I think I loved a couple things you said there one that I really latched on to like, like you defining success, not letting the outside world to find success? Like I think that's such a critical space, because we see all these things like, oh, this Mom's doing it all, she has this and this, everybody's happy. And I'm like, you know, just be careful what you see on Facebook or whatever that space is? And is it I have no idea. I don't really pay. I don't do it so much. But like, you know, it's a moment. You're I mean,

everybody's got their their Facebook life and their Instagram Live. And it is not real life. And if you are vowed if you are even putting any of your worth or value into what you see into social media, it is a loss straight from the pit of hell. Yeah, that is no bodies lie. It's just not there moments that are captured. They're great. They're fun. But they're I'm there are so many people that are just social media parents, that if you really took a deep dive or ask their kids a question, it would not be at all what is portrayed on social media. And in a world right now, where we have the most accessibility, yet we are the most depressed and isolated group. Nobody is raising a generation like we're raising that isn't economic uncertainty, that we have accessibility more than any other generation have. Our kids are tech natives. So they have full accessibility to anything and everything. And they feel like there's an instant gratification for everything we need. When we know as parents, it takes hard work. To get to where we are that everything is not a sense of entitlement there is there is work that goes into it. And there is a lot of it's like this little pyramid and this iceberg of where the top half you know, your success, but they don't see the chunk of ice that's under the water that the struggles that we've gone through and our kids don't see that in there. They are just constantly bombarded with the next best thing, the next best thing, the next best thing and to raise kids in this time and age is never been done before. It is truly vital for us as parents now to show up, show up well in whatever capacity and be unapologetic about who you are, what we stand for, and how we define success in our life.

Dr. Cliff Fisher: I think you summed it up great right there. So I think that's 100% right on so I think let go of the guilt like really focused on just being the best mom the best dad in the moment. Like you can't plan for the future. I mean, you can plan for the future but you can't impact future you can only impact right now and the mistakes we made in the past. Just let them go and learn from them and you know show up for your kid his family and partner,

absolutely be the best you can be in the moment with who you're with. Perfect.

Dr. Cliff Fisher: All right. Thanks again, Morgan. And we'll see you guys on the next one. Next topic is, growth happens in adversity. So I'm super excited for that topic. I think that will be a great one. Because I think everybody's like, Oh, you're successful. Well, there's a lot of growth and adversity that brought me to this space. So I'm super excited to hear a little bit about your story and go from there.

So great. It's always a pleasure, Cliff. Thank you so much.

Dr. Cliff Fisher: Thank you, Morgan. Have a great day. You too. Bye.