Feb. 24, 2022

Are You In An Abusive Relationship? | GR125

Are You In An Abusive Relationship? | GR125
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Season 1

Have you ever wondered whether you are currently in an abusive relationship?

Maybe your family and friends told you that how you are treated is not ok. But no matter how much pain, disappointment or anxiety your partner causes you,  you haven’t found that clarity or strength to admit to yourself that it is time to either make a big change – or end the relationship.

Why is that?

If you or someone you know is in this situation please join me on this week’s release of Get Real where I talk about abusive relationships: how to know if you are in one and what you can do to find peace and happiness, whether that be with your partner or moving on alone.

Dr Friedemann's Key Takeaways:

Intro (00:00)

Relationships Start Happy (3:04)

Disregard Of Boundaries (7:16)

Giving But Not Receiving (10:19)

Deprived Of Support System (13:01)

What Is The Way Out? (18:55)

Your Capable Of Committing (24:01)

I Need To Let Go (29:06)

Reach Out For Help (32:13)



Learn more at https://DrFriedemann.com

 

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Friedemann Schaub, MD, PhD, is the award-winning author of The Fear + Anxiety Solution. Dr. Schaub has helped thousands of people with his Personal Breakthrough and Empowerment program to overcome their fear and anxiety by addressing the deeper, subconscious root causes of these emotional challenges.



Transcript
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Today I want to talk about a topic that is very dear

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to my heart, because I see at times clients struggle so much

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with being in denial about it. And no matter how much I or

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their friends and families are trying to convince him, hey,

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something is not okay, you really should look at that. They

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are just putting their blinders on headfirst saying no, you have

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no idea what you're talking about, this is my life, I gotta

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make my decisions. And unfortunately, they are digging

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themselves more and more into a hole that often ends up in

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complete depression, anxiety, low self esteem. And what I'm

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talking about is the question that you may want to ask

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yourself, and maybe you did, but you haven't really been willing

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to go further or explore it, which is, are you in an abusive

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relationship? And if so, are you in denial about it, because you

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really don't want to address that issue. See, being an

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abusive relationship, maybe a taboo, because it makes you feel

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like you made a mistake, you may feel like, well, maybe I'm just

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making it up. Or it makes you feel like a victim, and who

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likes to be a victim, especially a victim of the person that

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you're supposed to be in a loving, supportive connection

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with. So there is a lot of confusion, an inner conflict

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about even thinking that you are abused, that makes you rather

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avoid it and go day to day trying to keep the peace trying

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to somehow make it better, rather than really saying, Hey,

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this is not okay. So today, I want to simply talk about what

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are the signs that you may be in an abusive relationship? How do

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you talk yourself constantly out of addressing the issue? And if

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you actually will finally say, Yes, I need to really admit to

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myself, this is an abusive relationship. What can you do to

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deal with it?

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Starting with an abusive relationship is not usually what

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happens. Most people start pretty happy. That's how we

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connect, there is love, there is romance, there's passion, There

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is chemistry, all the good stuff. But at some point, you

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come down from cloud nine, and reality sinks in, and maybe

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behavior changes. Now, most of us probably would agree that

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physical abuse is something that's cut and dry, not

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acceptable. Let's get out of here. But even there, when

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people are victims of physical abuse, more often than not, they

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simply accept it. Now it's an outlier. Or it only happens when

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this and this goes wrong, the stress or the environment, or

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it's Friday evening, and the threshold of acceptable gets

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just pushed further and further out, just like the frog in the

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slowly boiling water. You know, people don't jump out

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necessarily just because. And so unfortunately, that abuse

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continues. And what it does to a person, which is a complete

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undermining of self worth, and confidence, erodes even the

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strength to eventually leave the relationship. I have seen so

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many people that left only when the physical abuse was

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transferred to the children, especially women. Then when it

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was about somebody else, when it was about the mother instinct,

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protecting the little ones. Finally, the line in the sand

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was drawn, but before for the sake of the children, often, it

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was a key to just be that punching bag for a raging man,

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because it's still better than starting on your own. Now,

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emotional abuse is even more, you know, confusing and

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insidious because it's not often very clear. When does the abuse

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actually start? Now, as a rule of thumb, I would suggest that

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you know that you're abused when you're continuously feeling

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disrespected, unsafe and controlled. And when that is

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something of a normal for you now to walk on eggshells to

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always wonder if you are going into a battlefield if you get

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yelled at, out of the blue, if you feel that more and more,

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there is the sense that everything is circling around

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that person, your whole thinking how you act, what you're doing

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what you're allowed to do. They're very high chances that

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you are in an abusive relationship. But it may say

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have started really slowly, maybe just like, you know, sugar

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coated criticism, sarcasm, some snide remarks that are

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undercutting and, and hurtful. And at the beginning, it's

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confusing, you know, you the beginning of the relationship,

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you got compliments and roses, and all sudden, I'd say you look

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in the mirror and want to just, you know, appear pretty. And

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then you hear this? Well, I think you're really vain you

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spend way too much time looking at yourself. Or you have this

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great idea of starting an Instagram account and your

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partner says you're too old, you're not hot enough. No one is

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interested in what you have to say. And you say, Why do you say

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that? What so you know what's in your mind, and your partner just

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responds. While I'm just honest, I don't want to set you up for

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disappointment. This is not here to hurt you. I just like to be

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authentic. And this happens more and more. And you notice that

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you become more and more insecure, not really sure how to

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deal with it, because it's so out of what you would do to

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them.

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You may also notice that there is greater disregarding of your

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boundaries, let's say you live together. But somehow you have

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no space for yourself. Everything that you do can be

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interrupted by a question or by some kind of, hey, I want your

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attention. When you meditate. When you read a book, when you

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call someone, there is always your partner somehow no barging

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in? And you cannot say no. You also notice that there is a

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greater sense of neediness, you know, let's say you want to see

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your friends, you have been doing this for years, once a

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week or your parents on the weekend and and your partner

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gets more and more upset about it. Why do you have to spend so

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much time with other people? Am I not enough? Shouldn't we spend

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all the time together? Isn't that what love is about? I want

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to spend time with you, you are the most important person in my

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life? Why should I not be that for you. So it's a mixture of

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shaming and guilt tripping, that makes you once again, somehow

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wonder if you do something wrong, if you really are not

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capable of loving enough, if you shouldn't just give more to the

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relationship. After all, it's fairly new, you have seen your

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parents for so many years. And you make concessions, you make

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compromises. And eventually you give in, you just see your

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friends only once a month, or maybe just resort to calling

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them instead of seeing them. Your parents, you know, just

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become an affair for the holidays, and you focus more and

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more your energy on your loved one, the person that seems to be

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so interested in you. You give up on your hobbies, you feel

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even like No, I shouldn't spend so much time on my career,

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that's really selfish. I should rather focus on the hobbies that

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they want to do and maybe work less because you know, it's

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something that's more important to really, really deepen that

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relationship. What you notice also is a greater neediness and

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neediness that requires your attention. It say, you know

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there is a constant anxiety heard or, or you know, a sadness

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in your partner. And it requires you to really put all your

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energy into it. And you tell yourself, Oh, it's just the

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inner child. That really is very sad. And I want to make sure

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that this inner child is taken care of. And you know, your

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emotions, your needs are kind of pushed aside because there's

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just this really big energy of a one to you to save me that pulls

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you in. Maybe just because you already have been always someone

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who is a helper, or a pleaser and so it comes natural to you.

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Once you are at that stage where you're feeling your energy, your

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power, your time goes more and more to that person. The next

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step can be that you're trying to assert yourself you're trying

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to say you know what, I think I'm not totally equally matched

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here, I'm not receiving enough back, I'm giving more. And

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you're taught, you're called, while you're way too selfish or

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way too sensitive, or you're really egoistic. And so you're

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basically when you are expressing what you feel, met

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with criticism, and ultimately, a shutdown, you're not supposed

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to feel this way, this is not what is right, you are crazy.

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And as a result of that, pushing back from your partner, there is

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also that withdrawing of love attention storming out of the

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house, I don't want to talk to you, you have upset me, and you

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feel punished, you feel like a child who has upset the parent

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and the parent just sends you up to the room or the parent says,

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you know, Don't come near me, you have done something wrong.

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And this was withholding of Love feels so painful to you, because

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you probably have been suffering from it many times. So now

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you're really unsure on how to be an on top of it. There is

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this, you know, constant sense of Jekyll and Hyde, where you

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come home in a good mood, hoping to have a great evening

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together, and you just already feel like, wow, there is Mr.

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Hyde, this really browsing person who is upset for whatever

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reason, and you are the lightning rod or you are the one

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who has to listen to whatever happened horrible at work or

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with, you know, in the outside world, and, and basically, the

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whole evening is all about that. Or you get yelled at out of the

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blue, something that you didn't even do, maybe the cat was too

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loud. Or maybe the beer was not cold enough, or whatever this

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is, and then you feel again, that something someone is

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attacking you, and you are experiencing a mixture of

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anxiety, shame, guilt, but also a frustration that never can

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really be fully expressed. So you're literally imploding

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internally. And that just continues like that. And what

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happens is when you are deprived of your normal support system

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with your friends and family, when you don't really feel that

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you are proud of yourself because you're having you know,

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put energy into the career and get some positive affirmation

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confidence back from that. Or you're spending time on a hobby

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that you love that really uplifts you, when more and more

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of your time and energy is about pleasing and appeasing your

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partner, when your sense of self is all dependent on whether they

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are really happy with you in a good mood, maybe sharing love

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with you, or whether they're in a bad mood critical withholding,

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you know, just again, in a passive aggressive way, you have

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been in an abusive relationship that is encompassing now, pretty

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much 80 to 90% of your life. And you would wonder, wow, this is

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like an imprisonment, I'm trapped. This feels horrible.

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This feels dependent this fields, just, you know, as

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something like that suffocating and, you know, pulling life out

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of you? Why are you not immediately saying run? I gotta

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get out of here. I can't live like this any minute longer.

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Why? Because you're making excuses. And you're making

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excuses and living in denial. For two reasons. One is that you

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are maybe afraid of if you really would leave that you

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would have to start from scratch, that you're basically

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facing a huge waste of time that you made a mistake, and that

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you're going to be single again, everyone's going to look at you

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and says, Oh poor thing and you have failed big mistakes. So

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you're saying no, I cannot do this to myself.

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And maybe you're also afraid of if you would dare to leave, that

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you would get punished for it. And that that anger that you

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already feel and sometimes also maybe the violence that has been

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there gets even worse. So you stay out of that. I need to make

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this happen. Because A, maybe it's safer in B, it certainly is

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also, for me, maybe something that I, you know, owed to

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myself, because I've put already already so much energy and time

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into this. So you're making excuses. And those excuses can

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be something like, it's your fault, you're just not loving

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enough, you're not attentive enough, there is this broken

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little part inside of your partner that just needs

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nourishing, that needs attention that needs love. And then

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everything's going to be fine. Because you're telling yourself

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when it's good, it's really good. No one ever loved you, as

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much as this person, no one ever understood you as much. And you

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do love each other. And you have such a, all over the charts,

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energy, it's just so amazing. And the chemistry never had it

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before. But of course, you're ignoring and your denial that

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this really good part of your relationship only happens 10% of

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the time. And then there are these 80% of the time, where

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it's pretty much like walking on eggshells, and then 10 and maybe

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even more present of a time. It's a war. It's it's a sense of

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completely, disaster, chaos, and everything that comes with it.

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But you also tell yourself, there's always hope. And maybe

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you heard in inspirational talks, or in self help books,

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that love should conquer everything. And if you really

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love someone, you're sticking with that person, until that

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person is whole, incomplete, in that that's what the duty of

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love is all about. And maybe you're buying into the story

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that you're just too sensitive, that you really have, you know,

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a problem with taking everything personally, and you shouldn't,

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you should just, you know, keep that something that is your

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issue to work on. And once you work on yourself, everything

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going to be much, much easier. So you can see that this denial,

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even the denial of when people tell you clearly, you know, this

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looks to me like a textbook abusive relationship, that

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denial that says then you don't know because you're not living

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with us. Don't tell me what to do. I know that person better

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than anyone. And we're just in this together against the rest

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of the world. That denial, unfortunately, prolongs the pain

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that you're in, for potentially indefinite, until maybe one day

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there is the moment where the straw breaks the camel's back,

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which can be unfortunately, physical violence or a form of

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abuse that do feel like is no longer acceptable. But until

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then, you give your partner a second, a third 100 chains,

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because somehow, you cannot really find a way out. Now what

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is the way out? The way out is not necessarily saying you know,

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I'm out of here and packing my suitcases. I still have Easter,

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the way out, it may be for you to start looking at yourself and

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finding yourself again, really asking yourself, How did I let

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this happen to me? What does it say about how I'm relating to

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myself? And everything that is happening to you. You can ask

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yourself, do I treat myself the same way? Am I disrespectful to

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myself? Am I very conditional to myself, and basically very

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rarely saying anything nice to myself?

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Am I having high expectations? And give very little back to

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myself? What about my boundaries? Do I even have

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boundaries with myself? Or do I let everyone simply waltz over

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them? And when was the last time I was really kite and was the

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last time I put myself first when was the last time I

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listened to my body, to my heart to my mind. See a lot of people

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that are in abusive relationships don't over only

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feel worse about themselves. They also treat themselves

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worse. They let themselves go. I just talked the other day to

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someone who has been since about six months in sweatpants has

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gained 3040 pounds, has a horrible haircut and just feels

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in general really, really Low, has no motivation to eat right

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to go to the gym to do anything that brings joy because she's so

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beaten down by that relationship. And of course, the

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worse you feel about yourself, the less motivation, energy or

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even power, you have to push against that person who wants to

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control you, and wants to put you down, let alone have the

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strength to say, I'm going to leave and start something new.

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So it's about starting to rebuild that relationship with

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yourself with simple things.

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Once a client told me, the first step for her to find herself,

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again, was to have breakfast, and then take a shower, and then

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just get out of the utilitarian clothes and wear something that

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she actually liked. And just doing this little routine,

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breakfast shower, closing, that made her feel more connected to

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herself, and actually focused on herself and could a little bit

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tune out that abusive person, she also found like that, wow, I

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actually do find a way back to how I used to be before I was in

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this relationship. And so then you discover maybe, hey, I have

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needs that I completely ignored, maybe the need to go and you

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know, get some exercise again, reach out to a friend, again,

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just connect to the parents, again, maybe do things that you

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know are about your work that you have completely ignored. In

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other words, gradually starting to put yourself first. And for

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that have an image in your mind, who you used to be and who you

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want to be again, because you don't have to be constantly

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under the shadow of the person who ultimately wants to own you

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and possess you, but doesn't really want to support you or

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uplift you. People that are abusive, are often very empty

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inside they struggle, there is a lot of pain, there's a lot of

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lack of self worth. But they do, unfortunately, use the

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relationship to gain a sense of control a sense of belonging, by

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force, by squeezing, whatever the person that they're with has

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to offer out of them until they are so small, so little, that

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they can never leave. And the abusers fear of abandonment, or

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fear of being alone is this way, put at ease. Because they know

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this person is under my thumb, and will never have the strength

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to get away. And once you find yourself more, the abuser will

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just challenge you, and will push you and will start again

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criticizing you and tell you all the things that deep inside you

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know are not true, you're not vain, you're not selfish, when

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you take care of yourself, you're not unloving, you do have

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the capacity to love. And you showed it over and over again.

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Because you were over and over giving this person another

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chance you were fighting for the relationship, you were giving so

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much compassion, understanding energy into it. And it still was

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never enough. So if there's one thing you have proven to

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yourself is that you're capable of committing and dedicating

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your time and your heart to a relationship, but you also know

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that it is about receiving back and you haven't. And therefore,

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in order for you to make a stand and say my relationship to

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myself has been betrayed. I have abandoned myself by being so

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focused on somebody else. And so in denial about how I feel and

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what I need, that I need to heal that relationship with myself

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first and then go from there. So once you feel better about

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yourself gradually, you will also have more strength and more

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sense of self to put down boundaries. No, is a full

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sentence saying this is not okay. If you do this again, I

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don't know that I can do this having really just different

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levels of boundaries to establish, again a sense of self

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respect. Now maybe your partner will respect you for that. And

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maybe this will actually make your partner wake up and realize

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wow, maybe I need to shape up maybe I need to do something

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about my state of mind. And you know, quite often it can

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actually happen that this you respect Acting yourself, you

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waking up to your own self worth can be the catalyst for your

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partner all of a sudden to say, you know, I can actually see

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what an amazing person I'm with, I need to do something to get

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help and to heal whatever is really troubled and broken

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inside of me. But it's not a guarantee. And it's not

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something that you would say, well, that's a reason why I need

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to find myself again, it's just maybe an effect. But it may not

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be something that will be enough for the person to really feel

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it's time to change, very often, they will be more blame, there

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will be more judgment, and maybe even more pushing back. So don't

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engage, don't go into the conflict, don't try to make the

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person even understand where you're coming from. Because you

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will not make that happen. You simply need to sometimes simply

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walk away, or say, you know that this is something that can

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happen maybe one more time, but then you are taking a break, and

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really sticking with it. And being in a place where you

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understand that you cannot fix them, you cannot heal them, you

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cannot make them better. You cannot even be in control for

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their emotions. Because you have tried. And what you have found

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out is no one is responsible for another person's feelings. And

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that's really important. If you feel you're responsible for your

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partner to be at ease or feel good. You're taking away too

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much on everyone is responsible for their own emotions. And

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therefore, when your partner is constantly stressed, needy,

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angry, insecure, it is your partner's responsibility to

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understand what are the beliefs underneath that? What are the

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ruins that I'm carrying around? What are the patterns that get

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me there. And it's not yours to be their therapist, or the

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person who needs to heal them from maybe past relationship

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issues or childhood issues. You're also not to blame. If

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someone doesn't want to change. If someone finds that what you

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have to offer is not enough. If someone doesn't really see that

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your love. And the time that you're spending with that person

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is sacred. It's a gift, it's an offering, it's you being willing

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to share yourself if that is not enough. You're not to blame if

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it's not working out. And no matter how much guilt tripping

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happens, you need to remind yourself, I am enough, and I'm

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doing my best. And I'm certainly not questioning my ability to

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love. I'm not questioning that my love is not enough, maybe

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it's not a good match. Maybe we're just not meant to be

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together. Maybe this was all happening just for me to be more

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clear of what I deserve, what I want, and what I made off, and

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to find my power back. So with that something like this will

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never happen again.

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And there will be a point where you realize I need to let go, I

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need to detach, I need to have a way to find the freedom again,

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as that what I really am cherishing that independence,

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that sense of I am my own person, and I am a choice again,

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and not just having a warm body next, so that we can say we have

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a belonging or we have a sense of being in a partnership.

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Because as we all know, we can be in a relationship and feel

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more alone than when we are on our own. See, I grew up with

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parents that were ultimately in abusive relationship with each

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other. It was mainly my father, who was angry and a times

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violent, but my mother didn't help either because she could

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also be passive aggressive and, and together, they were

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codependent. And I really want it as a child to somehow make it

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all better and help them and a times even fix the relationship

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by being this constant intermediary, the mediator

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between them going back and forth trying to make them

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understand each other. And yes, they stay together. But when I

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was 18 years old, and my mother for short time left with us,

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because it really was too much for her, I was so happy, I felt

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like my goodness finally, both have that ability and that

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freedom to start in you and have a peace of mind and just finally

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don't go through these motions of constant hurting and

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undermining each other's sense of self. But my mother didn't

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have the strength, my father came back and was begging to

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reconcile and, and so that would have happened, the relationship

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didn't necessarily improve, maybe it did, once we, the

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children left home, and they died still married together. But

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deep inside, for both of them, I really wished they had have

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experienced more joy, more happiness, and more a sense of

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connection and support and intimacy, then they allow each

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other to have abusive relationships are not meant to

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stay together. Maybe they are these, you know, again,

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catalytic connections that somehow help us to get on the

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right path. But they're not something that usually work out

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unless both are really, really working hard, and taking

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responsibility, and ultimately finding their own wholeness, not

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from a place of codependency or need, but from a place of desire

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to be the best version of themselves for themselves, and

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then secondarily, for each other. So if you have been

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finding yourself in a relationship that I described,

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that just makes you feel more and more alienated from

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yourself, when you more and more feel like that, you are

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insecure, unloving, unkind to yourself. Remember that the

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refocusing to reconnect with yourself to to get in touch with

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who you are, and re building that kindness and ultimately,

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belief and love in yourself. That is the first step to then

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also from a place of greater clarity. Decide what you want to

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do with a relationship with the person that you're with. And I

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hope that helps. I hope it helps that you understand that it's

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not about I have to make a decision to get out or not. It

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may simply be for you the understanding that you already

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have abandoned yourself. And so arry yeah