After Treatment and Forgiveness

Hello and welcome. I am your host. Joseph Devlin, and today we're going to continue reading out of my book, a step out of darkness, chapter eight, what to do after treatment. So let's get at it. Forgiveness is not just about the other it's for the beauty of your soul. It's for your own capacity to fulfill your life. Jack Kornfield, upon completing a treatment program, celebrate a change has occurred, and the commitment of staying in treatment in a sober state has been fulfilled. Excellent. It is a miracle for any addict to stay sober 24 hours, let alone this length of time. Take time to acknowledge the moment and accomplishment. Enjoy it. Celebrate the fact that achievement resulted from taking action, following a plan and accomplishing goals while enjoying the accomplishment. Make sure you have goals and a game plan for moving forward intact. Everyone needs a copy of the discharge plans completed before leaving treatment. These are handy, since this will be customized goals that are outlined now that treatment is over and your loved one is feeling better, Don't stop. Keep on. Keeping on. The recovery is just beginning. All too often, what I see happen at this point in a person's recovery is that they will stop doing the very things that produce success and help them to get this far in the recovery process. I believe it is human nature to rest on our laurels, to stop doing the very things that created success for us aware of this potential downfall, downfall, you now have the opportunity to help your loved one continue to be successful, fulfilling their goals and leading a productive, happy life. You know the way out, following treatment, sticking to a schedule is essential. Routine, structure and discipline are huge for somebody in addiction. The good thing is that you've been working on a routine and a schedule ever since your loved one entered treatment. This is their schedule, and they should be invested in it. Not feeling as we say in the zone every day is quite common. It is good to remind all concerned that feelings aren't facts, and that feeling like using doesn't mean you have to use. Make no mistake, though, this period after treatment is a critical phase of someone's recovery. Part of their schedule needs to be engagement in a support group, I do suggest engaging in a 12 step program. First, they are free. Second, there are many meetings in your area, wherever your area may be, and are almost too convenient to choose not to attend. Third, they provide an instant support group for your loved one. Your loved one may not like all the people at the meetings or what's talked about, and that's a good thing. Remember, when you were in high school, you did not like everybody in high school, so there will undoubtedly be different personalities that your loved one will have to adjust to. This is great practice for learning how to get along with others at work or in the community, and a great practice and learning what patience and tolerance of other people really means. King, we're gonna stop there for today. All right, so opening up this chapter some of the things that make me really excited is that, hey, we've got somebody who's, you know, stepping out of treatment, and we're going to celebrate that success. Getting this far without using, you know, or being indulged in your addiction, is a huge accomplishment. So I talk a lot about successes. So what is that like, is that a new pair of shoes? Is it a new pair of glasses? You know? Is it a dinner out somewhere? Is it a cup of coffee somewhere? Just really want to be intentional about saying, Hey, we are excited about where we are at right now, and that's for the whole family, not just for the individual. And the other thing to keep hitting home is that just because somebody comes home from treatment doesn't mean that everything is all better and that we're never going to have to address anything. And life is grand. So life is definitely grand at this point, however, stopping doing the things that got you to this point or your loved one to this point is complete human nature to stop doing. I often share that. You know, I've worked with a lot of people who have Bipolar, and it takes us so long to like, get on like that right medication. Some. Times, and they're in that right medication, and everything's going well, and we could be working together, you know, for a couple years, then all of a sudden, you know, you start noticing these changes, and then, and you kind of say, hey, you know, Hey, how are you doing with your medication? And you find out that they stop taking the medication. And the reason why they stopped taking the medication is because they're feeling better, and things were life was getting good, and things were working out for them, and but it was so key and so essential for them to be on the right medication. So here, when I'm thinking about it is, look, there's certain things that we're going to be doing, like talking with one another, communicating with one another, getting up at the right times of day. If we're not doing those basics, life is going to start falling, falling apart. So the consistency, I strongly encourage to be there goals. You've been setting goals since the moment that they walked into treatment. So continue to setting goals. Stopping setting goals is not going to help out, like, for example, with those folks who have bipolar. If they were just taking the medication and doing nothing else, they're going to be miserable. You know, the beauty of being able to do those things was to have, you know, when they were on the right medication, they could have further conversations. They can engage in group support. They can have a job to hold down full time. They can be engaged in their family's lives. So you know, they're showing up for family events, so let us just make sure that we're there. You guys have goals. Want to make sure that they are outlined, as well as what are the actionable steps that we're going to be looking to achieve them? You know, one thing to also really think about is, hey, there's going to be times where not feeling well, right? I'm, I'm in recovery. I come home from treatment, I'm doing really well. I'm, you know, all of a sudden I have this dream that I'm using something that's okay, you know, all of a sudden I'm throughout the day, and I'm having a feeling that okay. I want to pick up and I want to use or I want to get engaged in my addiction, that's okay. Those thoughts, more than likely are going to come. It's what we're going to do with those thoughts. How do we get out of them? You know? And if we're not engaged with people who know how to get out of those things, you know what are? Has been your self regulation techniques. What have you identified to this point? Who's the group of people around you who's going to notice that you are actually feeling a particular way, and that you're going to be able to open up to them and say something? Because I addiction wants to isolate us, and if I'm still thinking I got this, and I'm the only person who has to hold on to this and make it happen. I'm walking down a very slippery slope back into addiction. That addiction isolation puts the individual there, then begins isolating and shutting down the family. So it's like, yeah, let's talk about it. Hey, I felt like picking up today. Great. What was your next thought? What was your next step? And that lessens that power that the addiction has on you and those thoughts on you, because, hey, look, we're all human beings, and we all have days or maybe we're not feeling our best 100% so those daily routines, those activities, those things that we have in far as the schedule goes, are really important for us to have mapped out for us, because on many days, just because we have that consistency, and those routines that we have in our lives will help us, even on the days that we are not feeling well, that we're just going to say, okay, but I know when I get up, Here's what I do. And you keep go ahead, and you move forward, and you do those things. And by changing, you know, just a simple action can be enough to unlock and get us out of that state of mind we were not feeling, you know, 100% that we're not in the zone. Another thing I suggest here in the reading is a very practical getting involved in some kind of support group. 12 step groups are extremely easy because A, they are free and B, they are everywhere. Doesn't matter where you are, they are everywhere. And I honestly think that a big piece of the reason why we don't engage in these 12 step groups is the fact that there are so many of them, so we don't really value them. And it's the same thing because they're free, we don't really value it, and it is. I'm fortunate, but I do understand the mind and the psyche and the way it works. So, you know, I just want to say, if it's not going to be there, do it somewhere else, like get engaged, somewhere where you're going to have a support group of people that you're just even engaged in talking with and being in community with and, you know, I put out here the besides just going to the meetings, you're learning to live in community with one another, and so even for yourself or your loved one, you're going to learn that you don't really, you know, there's not everybody that you're going to like there, and but you're going to learn how to have love and tolerance for them, how to be able to interact with them, and for for many of the people who've been in addiction, this is so huge, because they've had blow ups at work and they've had problems with, you know, other relationships that that that's hurt, not only the community they've been in, but, you Know, has stopped, maybe family engagement at certain levels. So it's like this great practice ground for them to be able to even work on those soft skills. And one thing I do want to, you know, come back around to was the quote at the beginning, and you know, I'll read it again. It says, forgiveness is not just about the other. It's the beauty of your soul. It's for your own capacity to fulfill your life. Jack Kornfield, and forgiveness, you know, walking into the recovery process, I honestly believe in the back of everybody's mind is that we knew that there's got to be some kind of level of forgiveness going on here. And that's another great thing about the 12 step community. They're talking about forgiveness. So it's in somebody's face every meeting that they go to, and it's important to, you know, break through like, Hey, listen, we're on the other side of treatment. Things are really going well for us, and we're going to have these negative thoughts, as we talked about before coming and maybe picking up and using but also thinking about, hey, the damage that that that person has caused, you know, I know that I would think about the damage that I caused, and it was like, oh, man, how am I going to get through this? Well, better have a process in order to do that. And the 12 step community has one of those. So this allows your loved one to be able to engage into that community and say, Hey, what's the right way for me to even begin approaching some of these things for forgiveness. And you know? And the great thing I say is, about the 12 step community, it talks about doing, you know, it talks about forgiveness and owning up to your side of the street, but make sure that you're not harming anybody else while you're doing that. I've worked with plenty of people who've gotten, Hey, man, I'm sober now. I'm going to run out, I'm going to ask for forgiveness from everybody, and, you know, just tell them I'm sorry. And it's sometimes, you know, there were some pretty harmful stuff going on. And me some guidance and being able to navigate that. What does that really look like? Because are we doing more harm to an individual for doing that? Right off the bat? You know, I'm a firm believer that part of that forgiveness process is staying sober each and every day, and your loved ones have the opportunity to see that you're getting better and better and better. And I know that's the way it worked with my family. You know, words can be so much, but it's the action part that really needs to occur. And you know, another great place to look at is forgiveness. Is, you know, religious organizations, all religions, are talking about that, that forgiveness of of people, and that letting go process, and you know, I want us to think about forgiveness also need, you know, not only comes from me forgiving somebody else, but it's also forgiving myself. And what I've learned, and what I know is that if I'm holding resentment against somebody, what I'm doing is like, God's created us. He create, you know, he made his creation for us all to be interaction with one another. And at all times, he's present, and he's wanting that union, and he's wanted that connectedness, and he's wanting that love, and he's wanting us to be able to create these beautiful things together. However, when I'm holding back, when I'm holding on to this thing, and I'm not going to forgive somebody about, you know, I am blocking God from that individual. I'm blocking, you know, myself from that individual. So God's not going to allow us to really create anything beautifully. There's not. The opportunity to do that, and I'm blocking God from me. And so when I get to that place where I can forgive somebody else, it can look in many, many different ways. It could be prayers for somebody, you know, I take very seriously, you know, part of a prayer that says, you know, asking God to forgive God, please forgive me my debts as I forgive those who have debts against me. You know, against my debtors, right? And you know, what does that look like, and in many shape or forms, you know, like look, this is why we have counseling, and we have, you know, a lot of work that I do is that, like, hey, there's some deep, rooted stuff that's really happened out there. And I'm not saying that we should take that that lightly. And I think that, you know, there's a process to go through. I mean, there's, again, like I said, family members have done some, really, you know, harmful things. And, you know, again, we've, many of us, experienced some pretty, you know, deep levels of trauma. And it's like, you know, taking that lightly can harm not only ourselves, but the others around us. So, but I'm talking about some of you know, like, so you my, my opinion is that we do need to get to that. And what does that look like, but let's start somewhere, something a little bit lighter. And, you know, I mean, I can think of, you know, instances where you know, you even take something where, hey, you know, you know, I gotta forgive myself for maybe the way I responded and said something in a particular situation. And, you know, be open enough to have that grace to say, Okay, God, you know, looking at this, here was my part in it, and maybe I shouldn't have said these. Maybe my words should have been filled with a little bit more salt in this particular area. And you know, you go in and you you approach that person, and you know, you make, you know the amends with them, and you say your side of the street, you know, hey, listen, man, I apologize for the way my you know, you know my words could came across in this situation. Knows there anything else we need to do to make things right, but I don't expect that other person to apologize for anything. You know, if it does, you know, might open the door for them to begin having healing with it, you know? And I have to look at those things. And I learn from situations. And, you know, I mean, it's, it could be anything from, you know, me being in an angry state, and I say something, or me, when somebody opens up the door and they say, Hey, how do you feel about this? And I think that you know, when you ask me a question like that, that you want to know my feelings, and I tell you my feelings, but I have to learn to realize that sometimes, you know, people don't want to hear what I'm feeling. They want to hear something else. And so I have to be okay with that. So again, this this forgiveness, takes on so many different levels, you know. And I also think about the things like, when I say, you know, forgive us our debtors. Like, hey, listen, somebody owes me money, or they stolen something from me. At what place do I get into a forgiveness point, you know, for them, like, you know, hey, knowing that they are doing their best. And if they, if they knew differently, and they knew they could live a different way, they wouldn't have stolen that from me. And, you know, that's a whole process for it. And, you know, and many times when something like that happens, it often opens up a whole nother thing of, well, you know, I've, I stole something from somebody once, and you know, what's that like? Do I need to go make an amends for that? Or can I forgive myself for that? Because, you know, technically, really, right? I'm a thief, too. And so this all happens, this forgiveness piece really happens in that, you know, for for me, for myself, I gotta do it internally. I've got to do it with others. Sometimes I've got to do it within communities, like a family system. So it's so it's so deep, and it's so great, and this is where support groups really help. When I'm engaged with this, I'm more likely to actually go through this difficult change process, because change is hard, and I don't want to look at a lot of these things. It makes me excessively uncomfortable. However, it's a key piece to being able to stay sober and having a good life. And this is where I say is, like the addiction process. You know, hey, it's a life or death process, meaning that, like, if I'm not facing these things, this could lead me back to using which leads to death. And so this is a gift to be able to say, You know what, I have to go through this forgiveness process. There's other people in life who don't have to. They can hang on to resentments, but that doesn't mean they're going to. Die. You know, physically die. They may die inside, however they don't physically die. So I look at this and say, Okay, I need to take an action step moving forward with this saying, Hey, listen, man, I need to forgive not just for myself so I can move on and be free, but for other people around me, because I want that more connection with God and and this is where I think of, like, when I'm in the book, I talk about being in the zone, but we talk about, you know, like, hey, you know, what about being in, like, that flow state, meaning that, like, you know, that that everything is just you can see the connectedness to things you're moving in one, like, from one activity to the next, like we're meeting this one person, this conversation leads us to another person, and so on and so forth, and everything. You see the interconnectedness of it. And you see it like again being you can see it with amazing athletes, athletes who are just, you know, they won't miss a shot. They're just in that zone. You've we've experienced this in like that, those flow states when we've been at work and we've been on like this amazing vacation, or with a family member in this conversation, where just everything just seemed to be seamless. And it was like evoking these feelings from us as a spiritual experience, to be like, Wow. Well, I'm just seeing this interconnectedness, you know, by just my one thought of, hey, maybe sharing a neighbor or a meal like a, sharing a meal with a, with a neighbor, you know, connected me to another, you know, neighbor and, you know, in our neighborhood, and now all of a sudden, you know, we're all going camping somewhere, like, it's just this, like, flow of like, hey, life can work like this all the time. And a friend of mine, you know, we call it being in the matrix, you know, we've been at conferences together, and like, every single conversation, we've gone from like, one point to the next, you know, or just enjoying our conversations. How one is like crescendoing into the next, and then all of a sudden, you know, we go out to lunch, and some of those same people are meeting us, like they're at lunch too, and we're all in the same place, and we're laughing and we're eye joking, and we're having this great time. And I know a lot of that has to do with not being tied to anything, and it's in this forgiveness processes. It's one tiny piece. It's, I won't say, tiny piece. It's one piece of this process that allows me to be in a peaceful state, to get into that flow state, the zone, the matrix, whatever you know you want to call it, and simply enjoy life. And when I'm enjoying life like that, the addiction is so far removed. I am not thinking about anything like that. I'm thinking about, Hey, how can I contribute to more people, to how can I, you know, just simply by being in the moment, I ultimately am just helping people all around me. So, you know, I just want to give you like, you know, a tribute to all these goals and things that we're looking at the importance of staying consistent with. It is it gives us these routines. It gives us these things that we know that life is beyond the addiction or the the process that had disrupted our family, and now we get to do begin experiencing these wonderful states of life, and you know, forgiveness is one of these other pieces that we get to be whole and peaceful with our loved ones. So a challenge I'm going to put out to everybody who's listening is, hey, write down two people that you need to apologize to, or some people that you know you need to forgive. And you know, I'm going to encourage you to have at least one of them that's real easy to do. And once you write that down, figure out how you're going to do that. You know. Is it praying for the person you know? Hey, Lord God, you know, I forgive this person of all that they've done, and God helped me, as you know, with my next steps on what I need to do. Or if you you know, hey, set up a time to make a phone call with them, or sit down with them, have a cup of coffee and just outright apologize for whatever may have happened. However you see fit, you just invite God into it and say, God help me on how to do this. And then, within your own support group. Run it by somebody say, Listen, I'm thinking about doing this with that, you know, making this, you know, forgiveness with this person. This is the way I'm thinking about doing it. What do you think about and of course, if you have a mentor, a religious leader, a sponsor, definitely run it by them before you go ahead and and make those amends and that forgiveness process. So I want to thank you all for being with me here today and until our next episode, remember, sobriety is a family affair.