Participating in Treatment Goals and Building Relationships

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Hello, and welcome to the show. I am your host, Joseph Devlin.

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And today we're going to continue to read at a chapter seven of my book a step out of darkness. So let's get at it. As part of your loved one support network, you can meet for a family session and discuss goals. This will allow you to go over the goals that have been agreed upon, and to quickly discover any discrepancies that you may have between what you and your loved ones agreed upon goals are, and the goals the loved one is setting forth and treatment. When you are involved in goal setting, then you know how to support the goals of the individual. In short, everybody comes together in agreement and moves forward as a team. When everyone is on the same page, you can have realistic expectations, develop a tailored program to help support your loved one, and know how to set proper boundaries while keeping each other accountable. Warning Sign, if a counselor does not want to have a family session, there is a problem. Find out immediately why they don't want to have a family session. This is worth a direct call to the facility, then I would suggest immediately having a family session or switching counselors, each party involved may have to adjust their schedule to create a time for a family session. But everyone should be willing to make some sort of compromise, as it is the life of your loved one. And the family unit that is on the line. Everyone involved only wants the best for your loved one. In outpatient treatment, my encouragement is to have a minimum of one family session a month. This allows everybody to discuss and measure progress for 3060 90 days. This may seem like a long period of time right now. I assure you the time will pass by quickly. The benefits of doing this are that everyone stays on the same page guests to discuss the successes of goals that have been achieved, add new goals and become aware of the overall progress. During these family sessions, you will have a better idea of whether your loved one is able to arrest their addiction and change behavior. Behavior can be changed or even masked for a month or two, however, is long lasting change that we are seeking. So please, even after 90 days, my encouragement is to stay in treatment. We know from the millions of hours of experience that the longer someone stays in treatment, the more likely they are to have long term sobriety. counseling sessions are only a part of treatment when addressing the individual and the changes they're looking to make. The more we can rally a community around someone suffering from an addiction, the more successful they will be. In addition to the counseling a priest or a minister or rabbi, a religious leader, a mentor, or a karate instructor may be the additional support the individual needs, letting your loved one choose another influential and positive role model who they will see in addition to the counselor is important, they will be more likely to take ownership over this commitment and relationship. And hopefully the person will be somebody you can agree upon. Keep in mind if they are meeting with somebody other than their counselor, it would be helpful to have in writing what they're working on. As some of their goals or life rules. Written Communication takes out the ambiguity. And the all too often miscommunication and false expectations, one can have these false expectations often result in heated arguments and misunderstandings, ultimately leading to resentments, and excuses to go back to use it. Okay, I'm gonna stop reading today. And I just want to pick up on that last point, no matter what your loved one is doing, and who they're working with. Having an in writing is extremely important. So many things occur by just putting it down in writing, anytime we write something down, we're more likely to accomplish it. But also, when it's in writing, you as you know, that support person who, you know, knows that if, hey, my loved one makes this change, I know that their life is going to get better. And you know, sometimes they don't move at the pace that that we want them to move at. So simply having it down and writing sometimes can take that that feeling that we have like that anchor of that feeling and kind of get rid of it. So we're not so emotionally attached to the goal, so that when we need to review it, we have a better chance, communicating in a positive tone, and communicating that we're there to support them. And that is not an accusation of something maybe that that they're that they're failing at. So and that really takes us back to the beginning of the chapter of what we were reading. And it's about being involved in the family session once a month to be able to go over their treatment plan, which is really their goals. And you know, your loved one has to create goals while they're in treatment. And they're also We're going to create the action steps that they're going to do in order to accomplish that goal. And just by you simply being in that room, and listening, you're, you're one stating the fact that, hey, listen, I care enough about you that I'm gonna sit in this room with you, maybe you don't speak a word, and but you just show him that, hey, listen, I value I love you, I'm here to support you. And you also get the ability to hear from them, their why they have this goal, and what is the thing that's giving them passion in life? And what is the thing that's driving them, because once you hear what that is, you can also go okay, now I know I can, I can store it that I can nourish, nurture that I can encourage that. And I want to give you an example of there was somebody that I was working with, and she put on her treatment plan that she wanted to get back into doing art. And, you know, the parent listened, and then kind of said, okay, you know, my concern is, you know, I know that when you do your art, sometimes you get lost in it five, six hours at a time. And, you know, I'm worried that you know, you're not really paying attention to your, your schoolwork, you're really not getting involved in work. And so I'm concerned about that. And, you know, you know, the client was able to say, Hey, listen, but this is, this is a passion of mine, this is something I love doing. And it really, it makes me feel a calm, it makes me feel at peace, it makes me want to do things. And as they looked back, you know, at life if the experience of this and they look back in their past and said, Hey, listen, well, what does this really say, when you were spending four and six hours a day on your art, on certain days during the week, what they found was, hey, that's actually when the client was actually showing up for school. And that was going to work on time. And so it's really beneficial for everybody to be able to talk about this, because then we can really see what the facts are, rather than what our thought processes are, what our impression of a particular goal is. And so, you know, through this conversation, you know, the parents were like, Well, is there any way we can support you in this and client was like, yeah, she was like, you know, I would love to have these particular type of pencils. I haven't had them for years. And, you know, I just, I really missed them. And they helped me

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with my, with my drawings. And so the parents were able to go out and buy that and get that in support, you know, their loved one was just a box of pencils. And it changed the dynamic of the, of the family, and it strengthened. Now, another thing we want to look at when we're talking about goals, is that, you know, are the goals? Are they measurable and manageable. And I can think of another, you know, individual who I worked with, where, you know, it was a dad, and he was like, Yeah, you know, I'm getting my life together. And, you know, one of my goals here is, I want us to go on a family vacation, you know, like, the way we used to, and, you know, let's, let's, let's go away for, you know, a school wait for that week. And, you know, the mom and the kids were like, you know, Dad, like we're not ready to do that right now. I don't know, if I want to spend a week with with you, there's some damage that's been done here. And it was hard to hear, but without, you know, without having, you know, those family members in the room, like, you know, the dad becomes rejected, because he's expecting something and then, you know, because he think it would be a great idea to be like, Hey, we're gonna go on vacation. But yet, you know, the mom and the kids are like, Hey, listen, we need a little bit of time here. And, you know, and that's the beauty of having a counselor or coach with you, because you've got a third party there to help navigate that difficult conversation. And what they were able to say is, okay, great. This is a goal. All right, let's look at that. But where can we start now to begin repairing some of this in this relationship, and where we can do things as a family together. And what they agreed upon was, hey, listen, you know, at six o'clock, Sunday nights, we're going to have dinner, sit down for dinner for an hour and a half. And that was a starting point for that family. And I'm happy to say is that what happened was that that grew from that one commitment that the family had grew into a place where, you know, Dad stays sober. And they go on that vacation, and I'm happy to say is that he's still sober today. So I go on, and I mentioned real briefly here, too, is that like, if you trying to have a family session, and you know, counselor is not willing to, to do that advocate for yourself, you're advocating for yourself, you're advocating for your loved one, we need to be increasing the support network of our loved one who's an addiction, and it's going to be making it difficult to do it if you cannot have a family session. And so, you know, find out from the counselor, you know, how come they're not having it, contact the facility, and if there's not, you know, a real legitimate reason, change counselors, that's something you have a right to do. And trust me, you will, before you change counselors, I guarantee that that counselor will have a family session with you. So, yeah, and, you know, another thing I talk about here is these, you know, these goals 3060 90 Day goals, they're always great to, to have, you know, when we're when we're thinking of moving forward in life, you know, somebody who's been in addiction, those 90 Day goals could seem like forever those 30 Day goals could seem like forever, but in a very short span of time, a year goal is not going to be too overwhelming, but we just, it's just gets us in that habit. It's like, it's like working a muscle, where, hey, if we just know that we're reviewing goals, like, every 3060 90 days, we hit them, because we're continuing to talk about them. They're continually in front of us. And we can work together as a whole team and say, Okay, how do we best support our loved one with the changes that they want to make in which ultimately makes the the chaos in the family decrease, and it increases the bonds within the family. And we have a lot of healing that happens within these relationships as well, at this time. Now, one of the last things that I touch on is about increasing our community support network. And I will say this much is that like, you know, for example, when I was talking about the, you know, the father, who was starting to have Sunday dinners with his family, well, they just naturally were adding people into that dinner, because it was, they were no longer hiding. I mean, addiction puts things in isolation, and we don't want people over because we don't want person to, we don't want family members to see this person the way they are, they don't want to see the arguments that we have in our house. But they started inviting, like, hey, you know, like an uncle over for, for Sunday night dinner. And then it became, you know, hey, listen, they'd invite their neighbor, you know, their neighbors over for it, you know, and so like, they had different guests coming to the table, and the more people we can put together at the table, the better the conversations are going to be, and the more opportunity that we have to build a solid support network, but also have those conversations for even our loved one who has the addiction, but even the family, for us to get different ideas on life and how we want to live it. And maybe there's some solutions, you know, maybe somebody sharing a book, or a movie suggestion, or just telling a funny joke that we get to tell the next day at work, and we just get a chance to strengthen that community. Some really beautiful things happen when we break bread together, it changes the dynamics of of the relationship on, you know, like on that mental, physical and spiritual plane. And the other thing I talk about is, hey, listen, having them have like a mentor. And, you know, like, definitely having a spiritual mentor is extremely important that I mentioned, hey, having like a priest, or Rabbi, You know, if they can engage with that, have them engage that with them, and maybe invite them over for that Sunday night dinner. And many times like this is a mental, physical and a spiritual malady. And if we don't address the spiritual part of this, it's like sitting on a two legged stool, it's going to collapse, and it's going to fall. And so it's like, let's get ahead of this. And you know, for many people that I work with, they they gravitate back to the religion that they were raised with. And that's great. And other folks will go into a different direction, they want to start somewhere else. They many people I work with have very bad experiences with a religion that they grew up in, I always say begin starting somewhere. And that somewhere, the simplicity of starting somewhere, is that look, we're all spiritual beings. And so we're constantly living on spiritual principles. But the Holy Spirit lives inside of you and me, and it's getting in touch with that. And how do I get in contact with that spirit being inside of me, and all of the addictions, you know, are always going to grab something from the outside, trying to fill what I'm missing on the inside. But that thing from the outside will never fill what's on the inside. So what I need to do is turn inward and begin getting connected there. And some of the simple ways to do it is by prayer and meditation and prayer. If you go back to the religions of your of your youth, if you were raised there, there's going to be some prayers that you can utilize. And so go back and utilize those prayers. You know, for for other folks. One of the key things that I often say to people is hey, listen, you know, we all generally have keys or a phone or something, throw it at under the bed at night, get down on your knees, say to God, thanks for helping me, stay sober today.

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And then next day when you get up and you, get that phone, get that key, whatever from underneath your bed and say, God, help me to stay sober today. That's your prayer starts somewhere. But I always want you to think prayers, like you have in conversation with God. And then the meditation is that piece where we get to listen to God. And so sometimes after those prayers, or you can just sit and listen for 30 seconds or a minute and see if God gives you any, says anything, or gives you any direction for the day on staying sober. But you can also step out and say to God, Hey, God, hey, I need some direction with my job. And I need some direction on how to build my my community support network, and then sit there for five minutes, 15 minutes, and just silence and breeze. And that's that meditation part listening for God. And another great way to get connected in that meditation is just getting connected with your own breath. Many, many folks that I work with are breathing, just from their chest, their breathing, you know, in and their chest is rising and collapsing. And that's just punching, like pumping adrenaline through your body, and it's not giving you the peace, and that you're looking for. But if you do those belly breaths, and I know many of you are familiar with this, and it's, you know, as you breathe in, your belly is rising. And as you breathe out, your belly is collapsing. And so that's a meditation, just get connected with your breath. And you can do that when you're listening to God. And these are just tips that you can talk to your loved one about as they're on their spiritual journey. These are things that you can say, Hey, listen, you know, Hey, have you tried this? What does this look like, you know, and give it a try yourself. And, and they'll know, as you're doing it yourself, maybe you guys end up doing it together, it's a place that brings you even to a closer, a closer bond. And one last thing I do want to say is that, you know, in a 12 step fellowship, they talk about a mentor being a sponsor. So if you could find somebody in this person's life and your loved ones life, who can be a mentor with them on something else that they are looking to explore, and do, such as my client who was an artist, if we could have connected her with maybe a local artist, or somebody who would have been willing to mentor her, that will go a long way. Because it's going to, they're going to be able to teach them a skill and a trade and that creativity will come alive in the individual. And again, like I said, we're spiritual beings. So we want to create. And so this would be, you know, another way that we can connect with, we can help our loved one grow in connections. And because once there's a zest for life, there's a less likely of a chance that somebody's going to go out and use. So let's keep that in mind as well. But you know, of course, we hear about sponsorship, and, you know, I want to go back to that idea of, hey, listen, having somebody having that spiritual mentor in their life. So, in, you know, in having that sponsor, a sponsor, if they're actively working the 12 step program, they're naturally following spiritual principles, and they're going to be discussing these prayer and meditation, and they're gonna be talking about living a different way of life, and being connected and finding out what your own relationship with God looks like. So encourage that, and nurture that and remember that like, we all have somebody in our lives that we love talking to that we look forward to talking to them, that very person who, you know, once we could just be in their vicinity. Sometimes we just feel their peace, and that comfort. And, and, you know, for some, some reason, you know, at the end of our conversations, we feel a little better. And we also feel a little bit clearer about life. And hopefully, we can help our loved one, get connected with someone like that. I want to give you all a challenge today. And my challenge is for you to think about that person, that spiritual person in your life that you're with that that does give you that clarity, that does make you feel better when we do when you're done talking with them, and reach out to them today. And just say thank you, or schedule a lunch with them this week, and sit down and have a conversation with them. So I want to thank you all for being here with me today. And until our next episode, remember, sobriety is a family affair.