Healing from Narcissistic Abuse with Darla Ridilla | EP101

Hello everybody. My name is Shannon Mondor, and I am the host of my podcast, fulfillment in faith today. My absolutely lovely guest. Her name is Darla Ridilla. Welcome Darla, how are you?

I'm doing wonderful. Thank you so much for having me. How are you? I'm

doing very, very well getting into the transition of the kids going to school now, you know, you can feel fall in the air, and so no things are really, really, really good here up in Canada. And that's where I want to start off with, is I want you to tell the audience members a little bit about yourself, like where you're from, and you know, whatever you want to share, and then from there, please go in to your story.

Yes. My name is Darla, and I'm a certified somatic trauma informed coach. I grew up in Alexandria, Virginia, and I lived all over the western United States, Colorado, New Mexico, Washington State, but I'm currently in Arizona, and I am looking forward to fall we're back into triple digits, so I'm looking forward to being able to sit outside and be comfortable. As far as my story is concerned, I grew up in a home that really was dysfunctional. I had an abusive father and a mom that did not protect me from him, and there's good and bad it happened for that. So while there was a lot of abuse that occurred over the years, I also developed some really good coping skills as a child, I learned that I had to take care of myself and I was able to be resilient. Now, I did have some skills that carried over into adulthood that didn't necessarily serve me as an adult, and I've you know, we probably will get into that later, but I had an emotionally unavailable father and mother, and so how that progressed into my story later in life is that I attracted men that were also emotionally unavailable, while that was dysfunctional, it was my comfort zone. It was what I knew, and I didn't realize it at the time, for sure, and some were abusive, some were not. And basically the the crux of my story is there's been a few that have been narcissists as a 20 years ago, I met my first one and really did not know much about it. I always pictured them as being kind of like that sleazy car salesman or the jerk that was very, very evidently had a problem, and I did not know that they came and sometimes pretty packages that were just that were, what's the word I'm looking for? The outside didn't match the inside. So I met this very handsome man, very charming. He was well respected in the community, and I had no idea that he was actually a monster on the inside.

Now, because we are talking about narcissism, I know a lot of people out there that are listening to this podcast right now are probably thinking, oh, you know that word is so thrown around. I don't believe that it's being thrown around. What I believe is that people are becoming more aware of what narcissism actually really is. But you know what is really interesting, and I want people to really listen to this, is I listen to podcasts all the time. Podcasts literally have basically taken over. You know, my television watching, I read all the time. Personal Development, personal growth mindset, all of that. And I was listening to a podcast just a little bit a while ago, and there was some doctor on there. I can't remember the name of the doctor right now, but statistically, narcissism actually stems from the mother, yes. And I was totally blown away, because the people that I am associated with that are narcissists. I can see that that that's exactly where they get it from, is their mother. And I was like, totally blown away because it just confirmed. I was like, oh my god, that is so correct, so people that just learned this. Now this moment, I want you to really look at the person that you know that is a narcissist, and now then look at their mother.

That is so true, because the what I have found when I think about my relationships, that there was either a very controlling mother or a mother who was being controlled and, yep, poor. I mean,

you can go back generations, and you can see what some and it's like, holy smokes,

yeah, definitely a dysfunction. It makes

you understand that. Lot more. But go further than that, it actually gives you compassion towards that narcissist. That's how I look at it. That's how I look at it. Because it's like, you, poor thing. To some extent,

yeah, that's hard.

To some extent, like I like the narcissism that I narcissists that I look at, I actually have compassion towards that individual, because I'm like, Look at what you've created, and you've destroyed your whole entire world, or anybody around you that actually loved you because of your selfishness, because of your acts, because of the way that you are. It's very sad. It's very sad.

It is. It definitely gives you a level of understanding of how they became that way, and I, and I do think, because I think there is a lot more awareness of narcissists now, I will say that just because someone's a jerk or they're being unreasonable doesn't mean they're a narcissist. There are definitely very, very that all of them really share a lot of traits, and a lot of it is the inability to they can pretend to be empathetic and compassionate, but it that mask will fall off eventually. It is not authentic, right? They're they're not willing to take blame or work on themselves. They may say, Hey, I'm going to a therapist. That's great. You're physically in the chair, but what kind of inner work are you really doing? You know, those are the questions. Yeah.

So you know what? I'm sorry I did interrupt you there, but like, when that came up, I was like, Okay, this bit of information is so, so important, because as you tell your story, people are going to be listening to what you're saying, and they're going to relate what you're saying to the narcissist that they know, and they're going to be like, Oh yeah, I see it. I see it. I see oh yeah, that's what? Oh yeah, I get it, yep. And so that's why I wanted to bring it up. So

no, that's absolutely and I'm glad you brought that up, because it's kind of a realization for me too, in a moment like you are absolutely right about that mother inner dynamic, you know. And the gentleman that you know, the first one you know that Go is, goes back to that charming and they're often very well respected, because what is going on on the outside world is nothing compared to what's going on behind that closed door. And as those years progressed, it was actually he gradually got worse. And they're very, very intelligent, often highly intelligent, and they know they'll, they'll find a need in your life like mine was. I was unhappy in my marriage. I just didn't really realize how unhappy I was, and then they'll fill that need. I felt neglected. I felt I needed more attention. And of course, oh, this fit right in with the typical behavior of the love bombing, giving me a lot of attention, everything that I wanted, the man. Oh my gosh, this is the man of my dreams, the man I've been waiting for my whole life. And after I'm hooked and I'm in love with him, then there's that devalue. And so then there's the less attention. Oh, well, you know, and then, kind of like the jabs and the the underhanded criticism that might be seen as a joke or, well, I'm not really telling you what to do, but if you do this, I I'm not really, you know, interested in it, and you then it goes to that other pattern of the discard. And so 10 years into this relationship, after six years of marriage, while there was a pattern that went on throughout the relationship of of love, bomb, devalue, discard, and that that cycle got quicker, that big discard came that night he said he wanted a divorce, and it felt like it came out of nowhere, even though there were red flags all along. But not only did I ignore the red flags, there was also that pattern of, what do you mean? What you want a divorce? We're getting along. We aren't even fighting. So why is it you want a divorce? And I really glad that even though I was crushed and destroyed, because I worshiped the ground this me and walked on. I mean, he was like a god to me, which really fed into his grandiosity. I mean, it was like this. I can

relate with you, like I said, anybody that's listening, they're probably like,

oh my gosh, right.

I'm just like, oh yeah.

But something inside of me, that little girl that I referred to earlier, who had those coping mechanisms and who said, Wow, I need to take care of myself while he he did his darndest to destroy her and completely obliterate her. Some shred of her was still there because he asked for a divorce, and then two days later he backtracks, well, we've got three years left on the lease on this house we're renting. What are we going to do about that? And I'm like, You know what? I'm not going to stay here. I'm not wanted here. While I had a whole host of other problems, I didn't realize just how big this was going to be and how hard it was going to be once I left, I just said, no, no, we're going through with this. I'm going to divorce you. It was a year long process, because even at this point, I didn't know I was in an abusive relationship. I was still in contact with them. I had what they call Stockholm syndrome, where I actually was still in love with him. I was, like, under this delusion that he was good for me, and the marriage just didn't work out, and we were going to be friends. And then people came into my life, and it really was at a breaking point, because I after the fact, that's where the work started to be. Because I completely broke down. I really do believe in 2013 I had a nervous breakdown, and I almost took my life. And the only thing that stopped me was the realization that he was telling everybody I was crazy. I was doing crazy things, but I actually wasn't crazy. And if I kill myself, look what I've done. Look at her. See, I told you she was crazy. She took her own life. I'm not going to be there to defend myself, and that is the only thing that stopped me. I didn't want him to win on that on that plane, and so when I made that decision of I cannot continue to live like this, but I don't know how to fix what's wrong in my life. That's when my higher power showed up and brought all these people into my life, four or five women, I started like doing a complete evaluation of who was in my life, and if they weren't helping me to be better and to heal, I got rid of them, and I ended up with these four or five women that were there for me. One in particular said, stop calling him and texting him every day. I don't care what time of day or night it is, you call me, you know, it was those kind of things, because it's a void when you remove something from your life, whether it's and it is an addiction. So it actually the trauma bonding that occurs during these relationships can become an addiction. And it's like any other addiction, whether it's substances or people, you have to fill that void with something else. And so that friend helped to fill that void. I got involved with a counselor who got me to understand, hey, you're in an abusive relationship and you need to remove yourself from it. And that was tough because I was in denial. I was in complete denial of what this was. Were you

in denial or that was just your normal for so long that you just didn't know any difference anymore? Yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. And I didn't want to believe it to be totally authentic. I wanted to believe that what I thought he was and who I thought he was was really the truth, but it wasn't.

I got a question for you another one. What is your belief? Do you believe that narcissists know they're narcissists, even after they're told or they've gone through a relationship like say, for example, somebody like you that you know that they are do you? Do you think that they know that they are that

way? My personal opinion is yes, because I feel like they get better at it with age. I feel like they they they hone in their craft. And I think this is why I didn't come across one that I know of till I was 35 and now in the 20 year past 20 years, I've been involved with three of them in relationships. And I think that's why, because as they get older and I get older, they're better at what they do. So I think they do. I think they know I I think there are different levels of the evil. Some are just low. They're lower on the spectrum. This first one I had, he was malignant, for sure. He He enjoyed watching me squirm. He enjoyed it. Hmm, yeah, that's

so sad. It is sad. Like, you know, the reason I asked that question, because it takes me back to, you know, say it stems from their mother, so that aspect of things, all of that would happen to them, would be normal to them, so they're just passing on that to because it's normal. Yeah, yeah. I just kind of wonder, you know, do do they know? Do they know? Yeah, yeah. Interesting question, isn't it, right?

It is an interesting question. And I yeah, I really got me thinking, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's just my personal experience. The ones I have, I think they do that. They would never admit that. Oh, never. And in fact, I actually think the one of I think it's Dr Ramani that talks about this, how, never confront them and say, Hey, I know you're a narcissist, because that there's no good that's going to come out of that. There's no resolution, there's no agreement. Because whether they know it or not, they're not. Never going to admit it ever because one of the very common traits as well is that it's never their fault everything else, everything is always somebody else's. You know, you you know, for example, my ex husband threw, he got mad at me and threw the computer on the floor and dented it. And I'm really big about taking care of my things, and so I became very upset, like, why did you do that? And he goes, Well, if you hadn't made me mad, I wouldn't have had to throw the computer. Yeah, and I'm like, You're a grown man. I don't control you. I didn't take your hands and pick up the computer and force you. So it's, that's a small example, a very small but, right? But as as I as these people came into my life, I started to make these realizations. Not only wasn't I an abusive relationship, but I had a pattern of getting involved with people who were not good for me on many levels, whether that was friendship, family members, relationships and it's been quite a journey, it certainly started in earnest, you know, 1112, years ago, and it's been kind of a layering effect, and sometimes there's been, you know, great spurts of growth, and then maybe some step backs or or, you know, plateaus. But I have to say, each relationship or situation has taught me something, and that's one of the things that I really worked hard at, is instead of beating myself up, which is easy to do, and I have done, wow. I remember the second narcissist I got involved with, and I went in a support group, and I was so angry with myself, and one of the ladies said, stop beating yourself up. Remember, they're very good at what they do, and each of them had a trick for some kind of, you know, gimmick. It was all three were very different, and I had to give myself space to say I'm a trusting person. I believe, want to believe the best in people, and that's the very trait they depend on to hook you. And I had to be okay with Okay, another one happened. But what can I learn from that? Well, first of all, like,

as you're telling your story, and you talk about the three of them, and you learned from each one. Um, like, I'm I teach about vibration, right? So number one, that's why you brought those into your life, because you were on the same vibration frequency as them. So that's what was they they were attracted to you because of that frequency. But what I love about learning about frequency and and all of that, you know, frequency, it takes you to the next elevation that you're supposed to go to a vibration. Yeah. So the wonderful thing is, is, you know, you got to learn all the different aspects of what narcissism really is and where you needed to grow from that to become the individual that you are today. That's what I about, that you know what I mean? It's like, okay, just now you can just knock them dead. Now you can just pick them out like that, right? And I think that is just fantastic.

Just two weeks though, there were two, two. You know, I'm single and I'm dating and, you know, and my radar is getting much better. I one guy. I didn't even been out on a date yet, and I could see the game starting. Well, I can't necessarily say he's a narcissist, because I haven't spent enough time. There were some dysfunctional traits that,

well, and all the things that, because they are on that low vibration of what you were right now, that you're on a higher frequency, you can pick it up right away. It's like, No, I was there. That's why I can see it plain as day, and I'm out of here. You know, that's, that's what I love about, about your story. And this comes for absolutely any anything out there. You know, it's, it's all about frequency and vibration that we're on. That's what you attract in. Yeah, absolutely.

And I really think too, like, I've had an acceleration again, like two years ago, I had an acceleration even though I got involved in another relationship. But I've also, in the past seven months, because I started taking the somatics course and learning about it's not just about being a good coach. It's about self healing and being aware of my own body sensations, my own nervous system and what's going on with me, and I'm able to connect that to a childhood wound and heal myself through that process, and I am so much more like I'm tingling right now. I am so much more aware of what is going on with me, which gives me the opportunity to heal even more.

Oh yeah, for sure. Because when you start dealing and and concentrating on yourself, that's where you've got control of what your outside world is all about. That's what I love about all of this. Like I can talk about this all day long, that's why we stuff all day long. Or I'm listening to podcasts about this, I cannot get enough of it.

Yes. So through

your whole journey, what is there's so many things. Ways that we learn. I know that and I get that, but there is always one thing that stands out over everything else. What is it that you believe stood out for you the most that you learned?

I think it's my ability to be resilient as I look at my my journey throughout my entire lifetime, I have this superpower of, I'll get knocked down and get back up like, okay, brush myself off, you know, give myself a moment to be angry or whatever that is going on, but then say that sucked, but I'm not going to stay there. I mean, statistically, I could have ended up a prostitute, a drug addict because of my childhood, but I've always seen to rise above that and use my experiences as that catalyst to get better.

That's beautiful. That's absolutely beautiful. And what I love about people that are highly elevated, like we are now, we can actually look back at our life and we can see, oh, this is why that happened. This is why this happened. This is why that happened. This is why I'm on the path to where I am right now. It's, it's, it's all laid out in a big blueprint, yeah, and that's, that's what's so wonderful, and that also makes it so much easier for us to forgive ourselves, for us to understand, for us to have compassion, and all of that. That's what I so love about this journey that I'm on. Yeah,

actually, those people had to come into my life, like, for instance, the one of the guys that I was with how I ended up in Arizona, I would not have been able to move from Washington State in the method I did and that I did, if he hadn't been in my life. Granted, right after I got here, he took off and and did some really bad things, but he had to. He, first of all, is a learning experience, but second of all, I was supposed to be here for whatever reason I'm supposed to be here, and he was the means to get here. Yep,

see, and I look at individuals now too, as they're either in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Yes, I haven't met anybody yet that has been in my life for a lifetime yet. Yeah, but now where I am, you know, I'm meeting all these beautiful, amazing, wonderful people that I know absolutely love me. I truly believe that those individuals, because we're on the same frequency, those are the individuals that are now going to be in my life as a lifetime, yes. Oh, this is so good question again here. Um, so anybody that's going through a relationship of narcissism right now, or is like, you know, hitting rock bottom in the in that aspect as well too. What advice would you give to them?

There's a couple of things I would say, and let's deal with rock bottom first, because I think that's the hardest place to be, and I have been there. The biggest thing that I tell people is really be kind to yourself. You're not going to be at the self forgiveness stage right now. That's something to work towards in the long term, for sure, but in the beginning, particularly if you're in what we call the shutdown. I like to call that the red light. That's where the depression, the, you know, just the total I can't I'm overwhelmed. Be be good with whatever you've done for that day. If your capacity is I'm really depressed, and getting out of bed is the hardest thing I can do today. But today I can get up and make my bed. That's what you do for today, and write it down. I'm big about journaling on your successes, no matter how small, because little successes add up to big successes over time. And just try to do what you are capable of. The biggest thing is breaking that pattern in some form, wherever you're at. And if breaking the pattern is brushing your teeth that it that's where you are today, and accept that. Yeah, yeah,

yeah, for sure. Where are you now? Where are you now in your life?

I'm in a huge change in my life. I'm in a once again. I'm pruning the tree, once again, I'm looking at my relationships and my friendships. I'm in a huge growth spurt, very deep inner reflection. Transformation is just really I quit my job and five months ago, 454, or five months ago, it was a huge leap, huge leap of faith, for sure, started this business. So in addition to that, I'm in very much in a place of trust as well. I'm embracing what brings me joy. I'm embracing what I was supposed to do, not when I was what I have to do,

right? Yeah, yeah. And that's all of our. That's all a part of loving yourself and also honoring who you really are.

Yeah, there. You know a lot about that. I have to say that I I listened to an audiobook in November that was a big game changer and the catalyst, basically, for how I am now. And it was called, what was called single on purpose by John Kim. And the game changer for me is he talks more about getting to know who you are, because in order to love yourself, you have to know who you are. And I realized I didn't. And so that is what was, has been my focus. Who am I not who people say I am, and then I have the ability to love myself, because I I can't expect others to love me if I can't love myself.

Yeah, that was a big learning lesson for me. I thought I loved myself. Oh, I was so far from it. That's why I attracted all of these people in because I was viewing myself as how they were treating me so attracted in and that's what people really need to understand. Interesting. I just need to stop like I said, Do you have any final words you would like to share with us?

Um, yes, particularly when it deals with trying to figure out if someone in your life is toxic or a narcissist. What no matter what the label is, sometimes labels don't matter. Just dysfunctional will do what I have started doing when I am with people is not focusing on how much do I like this person, or how much do I want them to like me. I have focused on, how do I feel when I'm in their presence? Do I feel safe? Do I feel like I can express myself freely? Do I feel like I can have boundaries? That is a big barometer, because if you are with a dysfunctional person who or someone who has narcissistic traits, they are not going to make you feel that way. Yeah,

I actually posted a while back on my social media, and this, this post resonated so much with me. It's a well known man on social media that puts his videos out every single day. He's written a book now and blah, blah, blah, but he did a video of, please stop telling me, Well, it's it's your mom or it's your brother, but it's your sister. Just because it's a family member, I find, well, especially with me, that's where I found where most of my toxicity was coming from. So just because it's a family member or somebody that's supposedly going to be a really good friend of yours, if they are literally sucking the energy out of you, that's toxic, that's stopping your growth, you need to get out of that relationship, and that's exactly what I have to do. I have no contact with anybody from my past at all anymore, because I look at it, most of them suck the energy right out of me. They were not there for my higher good at all, and it's really sad to say, but by releasing these individuals that allowed me to have the energy, to have all these beautiful, wonderful people come in and replace them that was meant to be in my life. So it's, it is a really, really tough pill to swallow, but sometimes it is necessary to do that.

It is and, you know, in addition to that, the easy parts making the decision I feel because I've also had to walk away from some family members. It's the the reactions for the reactions of the other people around you that we have to be prepared for, and we have to kind of that's where we have to have our self love and validation within ourselves. Because there are so many people that have come to you and say, Oh, but this is the family member, XYZ. I won't say specifically who it is, but their blood and blood stickers and water, and I've had to stay in my truth and say no, when this person has been in my life, it's been dysfunctional, and yes, it has held me back from my progress, my piece

Yeah, like I've even had, I've had friends say to me, oh, but that's that's your mom, or that's your sister, and it's like, so what, so what? Look at how much I've been damaged by them. And if you truly love me and understood me, you would not want me around these individuals also makes you not somebody that I want to be around, because you're not understanding the importance of how I want to value myself and how I want to go forward in the future. So I've had to release many, many friendships as well, too, yeah, because when. You change, people don't like when you change. Yes, they don't like that, because then that forces them to change, or forces them to come into their truths, right? Well, a lot of people like being in denial. It's just so much simpler, because if in their denial, then they don't have to change. They're in that safe, comfortable spot, right?

Yes, and, yeah, and, and we have to, you know, honor that and let them go with love, like, well, this is where they are, and accept that. And okay, that's all right, I accept that. But yeah, sometimes that means, if you've ever heard of the book, Good to Great, they talk about this, and I refer to this a lot about the bus, about how people get on the bus, and some people get off before the end of the line, and that's just because that's what they're destined to do.

Yeah, yep, absolutely, absolutely, and yeah. So that is something that I really feel that people need to understand. You know, if you want to do better in life, you have to start setting the healthy boundaries as well too, because that that's just the way in order for you to progress, that's, that's one of the things that you do have to do. And so you're going to go through that process of feeling lonely or thinking, you know, did I actually do the right thing? Look at it as, do they have my higher good, you know, in their hearts? And if they don't, then it's, it's, it's so much easier to release it when, when I asked myself those questions, you know? So, yeah, yeah. Well, I'll tell you, Darla, I absolutely loved every minute having this interview and conversation with you. It was absolutely beautiful. So I want to say thank you so much for coming on my podcast and being a part of my journey. And I want to let all the audience members know too that all of the information for Darla is in the podcast notes. And if any of this information resonates with any of you, or you know somebody that really needs to hear this podcast, please share it with them and also subscribe. So thank you so much. Thank you, Darla, oh, thank

you such a pleasure. I wish we had more time. I'd like to continue talking.

Oh, I know. Thanks to you, my dear. Thank

you. Have a wonderful day. You.