Burning Your Rule Book! | Ep.28

This show is about freedom. Freedom from your constant struggle with food and letting the size of your thighs determine your worth. Join me weekly for no hope back unfiltered girlfriend kind of conversations that will inspire, teach and empower you. As we tune into our own body's wisdom and tune out of the diet industry blinds, we can live our most radiant, pleasurable and fulfilled lives. My name is Chanci Dawn. I'm a non diet nutritionist embodiment and mindset coach. But most importantly, I'm a woman on a mission to grow a deeply connected and conscious relationship with food and my body. And I'm here inviting you to do the same. Let's go.

Hello dear one. Welcome to today's show. Super happy you're here. And before I get started on the content, I want to ask you have you heard Taylor Swift's new album? I'm obsessed with Taylor Swift. I just, I always say like, I feel like she follows me around. And bass is all of her songwriting off of my life. But oh my gosh, her new album is so good. I fell asleep listening to it the other night, and especially the song Maroon. And I think it's snowing on the beach. Those are my two favorites. So check it out. And yeah, there you go. There you go. Taylor Swift you, you can sponsor me, you're on my podcast. And when that be hilarious. Okay, my friend. Well, let's talk about the manual. Today I'm wanting to dig in more into this manual. I'll explain what it is in a second. Because last week, we talked about boundaries. And during that conversation, I shared with you how, quite often the things we think our boundaries actually aren't. Right. So a boundary really, when we have to set a boundary. Again, we want to set it from that inside out approach, I am whole I am secure, I am safe, I am enough. I am not here to have to like put up all these barriers, all these walls around me to keep people out? No, it's going I have these very clear values set that I have decided to hold as very true and dear for me. And if someone crosses these values, as someone crosses these boundaries, this is what I'm going to do to be able to have my own back. Not saying that they can't do it, right, because again, we can't control anyone. But if this happens, then I will do this to take care of me. So if you haven't already listened to last week's episode, go back and listen to that one. Not necessarily first, it doesn't really matter which order you listen to them. But these two go hand in hand. So when we really look at it, and we're like, okay, if we can really limit the amount of things that actually are boundaries in our lives, right, because these are things that actually there, they go against this belief system that we've chosen to hold as true. And they are harmful. Right. So there's something that we're just we have no space with in our life. So one of the examples that I gave is when my mom puts herself down in front of my teenage daughter, this was a boundary I've had since the last well, it's really about my boys too. But I'm particularly protective about my daughter with this. So even before she was born, I remember sharing with my mom that this is not acceptable, I will have nothing to do with that. She will not be subjected to that kind of negative self talk to that body shaming. Because I know what that does, right? I know what it's done to me and how I've had to work through it. And I see it time and time again. So this is a boundary of mine that I protect my daughter. And if if my mom crosses his boundary, not saying she can't write I make the request of her not to if she does, we remove ourselves from the conversation. Okay, so this is a boundary. Now, when we're looking at manuals, what is really true here is that most of what we think our boundaries, it's actually our manual. Most of the things we think that how people should behave, act feel. So a manual is a rulebook that we have, that really dictates how we think people should think, feel act. And essentially, we want them to do this because then we will feel good, we will feel better. And manuals are again, they're just like boundaries. They're rooted in our belief system. But it's not like deep enough that it's become like this value of ours, right? Like you can't kick My dog can't have violence Do not touch me. without consent, stuff like that. These are very important boundaries. manuals are things that we think are very reasonable, that we think are kind of like, just logical often. And we really want people to follow them again, so we can feel better. But here's the thing. Everyone has their own belief systems, everyone has what they think is a reasonable kind of behavior. And if they're an adult, they have agency meaning freedom to do and be an act how they want to. So again, we're not looking at boundaries here where it's causing harm, okay, we're looking at manuals, these rule books that we have, that we get to look at and question. Now, this might feel really triggering. And that's okay. When you think about other humans, other adults having agency and being able to do and act and be who they want to, it can feel a little threatening to us. And that is actually why I love this so much. Because when you look at this, and when you confront that threatening feeling, really what it comes down to is you have thoughts about their actions, that is causing feelings, emotions in you. And my friend, the reason why this is such good news is because it allows you to take your power back, they can take care of them, they can make choices for them, you can take care of you, and you can make choices for you. And on the other side of it, you have your own back, because you know that it's essentially your thoughts that are creating these emotions, and you can feel any emotion that's coming your way. And then you also have the power to be able to choose what you believe what you think here, take your control back. You don't have to make these rules that you have boundaries. You don't have to make them steadfast, you do not have to hold on to them with all your life in order to protect yourself. Know, you can empower yourself by going okay, you know what, I can make requests, of course, I can ask people to do things and to act a certain way. Of course, you know, I

think about my partner, right? I can ask him when we first started dating, it was actually really hard for me, because our communication styles are very different. I wanted texts in the morning, and you know, good nights at the night with little hearts and kisses. And I rarely heard for. And this was actually really challenging. For me, it was really triggering because I felt unseen, unloved, unheard. And he was just like, I'm so secure. I'm great. You know, we're building this together. This is amazing. There's no need to be in contact all the time. And I'm talking to him about it. And I explained to him, you know, he's a beautiful man. And he's like, Okay, I'll try. So he does, he'll message me in the morning, and I'll message him in the morning and message at night or whatever, but not all the time. And I've been able to just drop the manual drop that rule that that even matters. I got to take my power back in that and say, oh, yeah, okay, I can choose to believe that I'm very secure in this relationship that we are, we're good. He's thinking of me. You know, he misses me when we're not together. That does not mean he has to write me all the time. So it was my obligation there for myself to drop the manual. And in doing so, I felt better. He didn't have to change his behavior for me to feel better. I'm hoping this is making sense, my friend. Again, as I always say, drop message me, email me at Freedom at Chatzi don.com. If you want to have a conversation about this, let me know if you have questions. Okay. So when you look at the fact that adults have agency, they can do what they want to do. We get to drop the need to control them. Because the truth is that we cannot do it any at all anyway, won't work. So let's just drop that. Now, the other thing that's really interesting about this, is that, as humans, we're all walking around with these rule books. And the curious part of this is that most people have no clue what they are. Right? They know there's, they're like, this is just reasonable. This is just logical. And they're not real. We don't tell everyone we don't meet a new partner or we don't meet a friend. And we're like, first of all, here's my rule book. This is how I want you to think, feel and behave so that I can feel really good in this relationship. Right? I know it sounds ridiculous to do that. But essentially, that's what we're doing. We just don't speak it. We just expect it. Drop the expectations. Ah, and find freedom, I just love that thought you take care of you, and they take care of them, you can ask, but do not, do not like depend on their compliance for your emotional wellness. That is where the freedom is do not depend, I'm gonna read that, again, I'm reading it from down here, because I wrote it down, it's so important, do not depend on their compliance. For your emotional valid wellness, you can request with no strings attached, and then you get to take care of you on the other end. So I'm gonna give an example now of a manual. So for me, so I shared one that I had, you know, a boundary, sorry, I shared a boundary that I had for my mum, when it comes to my daughter. Now, I believe my deep value system, I hold on to the truth that I believe. And I mean, this can be questioned, absolutely. But I'm choosing to believe this. So that is empowering in itself. I believe that if my mom is talking negatively about her body that it is going to negatively impact my little girl, my daughter, who's not so little, she's almost 15, she still feels little to me. So this is harm. And I'm an adult, and I'm her mom, and it's my job to protect her from this. Okay, so I shared what my boundary is with this. On the other hand, I have a request of my mom to not talk about her body in front of me. Now, this is a manual. Yes, it's triggering when she does, because it brings up stuff from my childhood, it brings up insecurities I still have, absolutely, it's triggering. But my job here is to take care of me. I can make the request, and I have my mom usually does not oblige, because it's just so deeply in her right to be self critical. Like this breaks my heart. But instead of being like, Mom, you're so disrespectful. Bla bla, bla, bla, bla, I just get to go. Oh, mom, ha, this is inside voice me, right? Oh, Mom, I love you. I have such compassion for you. And this no longer harms me. I'm an adult. I'm taking care of my emotional wellness,

I am doing the work to heal my relationship with food and my body. And I am okay. Yes, I would love it if she didn't say stuff because that would I feel ease around her. Ideally, that's the emotion that I'm craving. That's what I want to feel is ease. And when she talks about her body, I feel triggered. So in this dropping my rule, dropping the manual for my mom going Yeah, Mom, I love ya, you can do you can say you can be exactly who you are, I'm an adult, you are not doing me harm. This is not a boundary, I get to drop this and I get to just love you and take care of me on the other side.

Okay, so for you, what I really encourage you to do is first start to really get curious. Again, this is a pillar of embodied eating. So we want to get curious with compassion. Who do I have manuals for? And why? Usually we have them, you know, for our significant other, we can have them for friends. Definitely, we often have them for our parents. We have them for the cashier at the grocery store, right? We have them for the person driving next to us in their car. We are just full of these manuals. So get curious now that you know what they are. Ask yourself, who do I have them for? And why? Now the y here, it really goes into how do I want to feel? So when I think that if someone does this, as someone like follows this rule book of mine, then I can feel this way. What is that emotion that I'm really wanting to feel. So I gave you an example with my mom, I want to feel ease, it creates some triggers when she talks about her body negatively. So I get to create that ease myself through my thoughts and I shared the process with you. So this is why we want to ask why. How do you want to feel? And the beautiful part is that you get to create this emotion for yourself, regardless of how they think, feel and act. This is freedom. This is amazing. And when we take care of our own selves, what we get to do is we just get to love the people in our lives because they're here and we choose to have them in our lives. My partner I am He is here for me to love not for For me to change and control, and try to manipulate into someone that I think acts feels and behaves in a way that makes me feel amazing. That's not his job. And that is not my job in this relationship. I take care of me, he takes care of him. Can we request different things, of course, but then we drop that expectation on the other side. I know I'm repeating myself quite a bit in this in this episode, but I really want to hit this home. So you might even want to go back and listen to it again. Because this is, it seems really simple, but it's hard to apply. Because we're just so conditioned to have these manuals. Now, if the whole thinking is creating your emotions thing is getting confusing to you. Please go back and listen to the episode on the thought model. I don't remember which episode it is, but I will link it in the show notes for this. Okay, so please go back and listen to this. Because this is really how our brains work. And I want you to have this foundation here so that you're able to really have clarity and be able to have a tool to get into that beautiful brain of yours and to start to listen to these different voices you have speaking to you, right, we want to calm that brat brain you want to nurture her and love her through this. And really when you're doing this work call on so much compassion, because when you start doing this, you will feel discomfort. And that is okay, right? This this is creating new patterns in your brain, which will eventually lead to fret freedom. And at first it's going to be a challenge. So stick with me. Keep connected, message me with any questions. Really, really own this. You deserve freedom and this is a big, big way to create it for yourself. Have a beautiful day, my friend I love you share this with someone you know who needs it. I will talk with you again soon. Take care