“Mommy, Say Goodbye Again”

Well, welcome back. Great to be here again. And as always, I'm very excited. And in particular, I'm happy to have our guest today because we have gotten to know each other a little bit over the last year plus, and always enjoy spending time together online never met in person yet, but this lovely lady, Lieutenant Colonel (retired) JJ Conway was the first black to serve as a physicist in the Air Force. Despite being told by the Air Force that blacks can't physics. She served for 23 years and founded and chaired the Nuclear Threats Community of Interest, one of the nation's top technical bodies comprised of 17 different agencies. Although science has always been her first love, JJ became a financial planner. And the transition to that came after returning from a six month military trip to discover her house sold, divorce papers, and way over $800,000 in debt put in her name. Adopting to this life as a military single mom, JJ learned how money works, how to make it work for her quickly and ethically. And She now teaches others the same personal growth, and financial skills that allowed her to dump that debt, and begin building wealth. She also mirrors these principles when working with businesses to improve process, people, and profits. And I got to think with all those skills, all that experience and military training, you must have like no issues with parenting, right?

Oh, I think all that training made it worse to be a parent, because I was trusting in myself instead of learning how to bond with my kids.

Oh, wow. So I mean, that's an incredible journey. Oh, tell me what, what for you has been the greatest challenge of parenting through this life that you've had so far.

I love, I love talking about overcoming my parenting challenges. And but before I do, I just want to say congratulations on Legendary Dads, I just love the name. I love the concept. And I love what you're doing in the parenthood space, the fatherhood space, it's it's so important. And it's so needed. And so congratulations to you. And thank you for allowing me to be part of your, your initial, your charter year of podcasts. Thank you. Awesome. So, so when it comes to that one of the biggest challenges, the biggest challenge that I had, and still sometimes do have as a parent is, I did not understand the value of loving my, my son for the most part, and then the little one when he just came up my oldest son, and then my little son, but mostly the oldest. He's 17 now, and he's been at 8 different schools. And I've missed a lot of birthdays, and a lot of everything that goes along with kids. And I didn't have that growing up. I grew up as a military brat. And I didn't realize that those things were important to him. And so for me, learning that that was important to him and adjusting my life correspondingly has been the most difficult thing. But it's also been the one that had the most payoff in terms of now I have an actual relationship with my teenager. And where other parents complain that their kid never ever wants to have anything to do with them. We went on the cruise and tried to send him to the little teenager, little club classes. And he's like, "Stop trying to get rid of me, this is a family vacation, I want to spend time with my family." So I know I'm not a perfect parent, I'm fumbling and stumbling along the way. But I'm so thankful for this precious time that I have with my son. And a huge part of it is setting aside MY form of love, which I you know, it doesn't bother me if you're not there my birthday as long as you celebrate me when I'm home. But setting aside my my form of love to meet him where he is. And I'm seeing that with the little one as well. The little one gets frustrated with mom's schedule and dad's schedule and so he likes to see that that green block that it stands for him in my phone.

Right. Schedule time deliberately scheduling time. Yeah. What was it ... You say you didn't realize the importance of loving your your son, your first time when he was younger? What really do you mean by that? And what kind of brought you to the awareness that there was a there was an issue there?

Well, what brought me to the awareness, unfortunately, was a lot of behavioral issues that he had when he was young. And and, and, and I My first thought was, well you know what actually happened when he was four or five, but I didn't get through my thick skull till he was 14 but but the seeds were planted and and so when he first started having behavioral issues, he has ADHD. So I took him to counseling. And they explained to me that you know, I dropped them off. I say goodbye, and I go off to work, but to him he doesn't Feel like I've said goodbye. And I'm like, What? What am I supposed to do say goodbye 20 times. And the counselor was like, Yeah, you.. if it takes 20 times for him to adequately feel that you said goodbye, then say goodbye 20 times. And for him, it was three, it was three times. And I didn't understand, like it didn't understand it. In my heart, it was a checklist item, like, okay, the doctor says, if I want to help my child succeed, and I want to end these behavior problems before he gets kicked out of school, well, then I need to do this, this, this, this. So I'm just going through the motions. And then as I became... I launched this business and I began to understand human behavior. And I got certified in things like D.I.S.C. and Myers Briggs and, and all those different personality assessments that I love, I began to realize that the difference between me and my son is that we were different personalities and different types of people. And we're, I get the job done, get the job done, move on to the next thing. And that's fun. For me, it energizes me, he's a fun loving, wants to have a good time wants to he wants to be the, the star of the party, and he just wants to live life and live it to his fullest. And he didn't want to be a checklist item for me. And so then I began to really see him as his own person and look for ways to love him. I don't want little gifts that I don't know what to do with. I want you to go out to dinner with me or spend some time with me, or let's talk on the phone for a little bit. I want a connection like that. He wants gifts, and he wants, he wants time, but not the way I want time. He wants me to sit at his football games and his practices and I'm like practice. You You want me to watch a practice us like this before I remarried when he finally had this conversation with me. And I was like, I don't have time to sit here and watch a practice. I was a struggling single mom trying to get out of $800,000 of debt. And but But I made that pathway for him to be able to tell me, and then I had to learn, okay, this is what he needs. He's not me, I can't go off of what I need. And then when my husband came into the picture, you know, I began to see that they were very similar. And I began to see, okay, well, well, now. Now I learned enough how to better parent, my son, that I could be a better wife, to my husband.

you So you mentioned just a second ago about giving him space, you're essentially creating in the relationship, there's room for him to, to open up to you and to talk to you. How did you develop that? How did you build that into the relationship and help him to feel safe in doing that.

So that's, that's a lifelong journey, because I am very opinionated. And I am very fiery of a personality and very energetic. And I've constantly have to remind myself, make it safe, make it safe, make it safe, because to me, if you express a lot of passion and excitement, I'm still going to express my passion and excitement over years. And we're just going to be all excited together. But the men in my life, my son, and my two sons and my husband, my passion and excitement will shut them down. And so for me, it's a continual thing. But it was it was really, it was really watching my sister and my mother get into loggerheads a little a few years ago, where they they weren't talking maybe about seven or eight years ago, where they weren't talking. They didn't talk for like a year. And I watched both sides of it. Because both sides would come to me until I finally said, Okay, this isn't my fight. And I got that out of my life. But both sides would come to me and I would hear both sides of it. And I realized that, that my mom was treating my sister like how she wanted my sister to be. And my sister was treating my mom like she wanted mom to be. And I looked at my own family dynamic. And I was like, You know what, in 20 years, I don't want this problem. And so I've had to keep my mouth shut so many times, but my son knows, like when we're driving home from a football game in Texas, it's a couple hours, and we're driving home from the game, and he knows he can say, "Can I talk to you about something and you not get mad?", and I know that's my signal to calm down. Whatever it is, he's about to say be warm and accepting and let him be able to tell me it, and be able to love him through whatever the situation that he's facing. And I value that. I used to be one of those parents where like mine were for me and it worked for me. And that's why I wanted to be that way, right? This is what you're supposed to do. Boom, boom, boom, boom, but he's not me. And I've I've come to see that by giving him the space to be able to have those conversations and then restraining myself to only take action when it's absolutely necessary.

Yeah, and obviously he's learned in that too, even to express to you what it is that he needs right now. We're what's kind of thing. Don't get mad. Kind of giving you some indication of what he wants, which has a lot of us just don't do. I mean, men, women, old young, it's, we just enter into conversations and we just assume people are gonna give us what we want. And then they don't like. So my wife and I have been working with that to learning to say, well, when I'm sharing this, this is what I need for you, a), I'm looking for a solution or b) I'm just looking for to vent or whatever it is to help each other in that communication. Which is, which is obviously a huge, huge benefit. And I wanted to step back, again, to something you said earlier about the practices. That's a real challenge. Now, especially I would think, as a single parent, at the time you, you're trying to build income and pay off debt, live, deal with life, and then your son needs your time. And I mean, I can totally relate to this idea that, you know, the practice is not the important part, you know, I've got ... How do you, how did you walk through that process of balancing your time and his time when it? I mean, it's a serious and legitimate conflict of schedule, right? Where you really do, yes, you need to love him? And yes, you need to provide financially as well. Can you go a little deeper into how you walked through that, figuring out that balance?

I would love to, and I'll say when I, when I first started supporting him in that way, it was really frustrating for me, because I had just had so much to do, and I didn't, I didn't see a way to solve my problems without me taking action. So they say there's people who have an external focus of control, or is it locus of control, I'm not, I'm not a counselor, but some people feel like they can control everything in their lives. And they and they work hard to control everything in their lives. And then there's some people that feel like they can not control anything in their life, and they just go along, this happens that happens. And oh, I'm a victim, and oh, this is, this is lucky. And so many of us are in the middle. And me, I tend to skew towards control, like, I can control everything, I'm going to make this happen, I'm going to make that happen. And when I and for a lot of people who feel that way, the flip side of that, yeah, you you take a lot of action, you get things done. But then the flip side, it's hard for you to trust the process, trust your faith, trust that things will work out. And so even when I thought to myself, I need to do what he needs. Because we've been going to counseling for all these years. He's ADHD, he wants to get off the medicine, I want him to get off the medicine and I need to support him, or this will be a lifetime of problems. You know, that's what that's what caused me to sit myself in the chair at the practice was okay, I don't want a lifetime of problems. But then in my heart, it's like, what am I supposed to do? And I found, I found that it really bothered him if I was working on my laptop during his practice. But I also found that I could put in my headsets and do personal growth or have coaching calls. And they weren't, you know, I didn't charge a lot for them, because it's not exactly the best environment for a coaching call, but I could do little things. And still, when he looked at my mom was eyes on him. And it for me, so it was really focusing on the long term, like what do I want long term, I want a child who's self assured, and and whether or not he has to take medicine. And when he gets older, we're in a trial run right now we're this semester, he hasn't taken his medicine for school. So we're like, I'm like, Oh, please, please, please. But whether or not he has to take medicine the rest of his life or not, if this is a goal he has, I want to support him and I don't want the behavior meltdowns, I don't want him to end up in jail. So I'm going to look long term. And I'm going to trust that if I do what I'm supposed to do that the Lord is going to work everything else out for me. And so that was really hard for me to relinquish. But when I did two really key things happened. My relationship with my son improved greatly. And then my own health improved as well. And then I was able to take on more and be more productive when I wasn't there. You fast forward, you fast forward eight years, and I remarried and now I'm married to somebody who also wants lots of attention and wants me to show up at his things. And then we have a surprise baby in the 40s with with who also seven years later, wants lots of attention and wants mom and all the things. And so even now that's something that I have to balance. Not that I can't make a different choice, but I choose family harmony. And I choose to be that linchpin of my family and support my husband and support my boys rather than okay, I want to make a million dollars tomorrow. I trust that everything will work and financially we've not suffered so I know that it's all working out. I don't have the private yacht yet but, but I know everything is working out. We have a wonderful life and a close family.

Now that's something to aspire to. Now you said this, I'd like this because what you just shared is fantastic in terms of your experience of that journey. And one of the things that really stood out to me was you said, essentially you were looking ahead to the life you wanted and that was, sounded like it was kind of the cornerstone or, or key point for you to be able to essentially work yourself through the difficult, your own difficult challenge the personal development that you had to go through. It seemed to center around kind of keeping your eye on on a future goal and a big thing and ahead of time not focusing on how it's going right now. Is that fair understanding?

Absolutely. Because once I focused on the long term goal and then I had to walk back okay, what's needed and then my heart partner what was needed was he stopped need mom his practices like that was what my really thought but I knew that I couldn't get from here to there and ignore his in the moment need. But then as I begin to meet his, in the moment need all these other creative ideas. Well, how can I maximize his time? I can listen to personal growth things; I can talk to people on the phone. Those are two things I can do and still have eyes on my kid, you know. And over time, over time, he's built up enough self confidence and other support network and now he's a strapping young junior in high school, and he doesn't need mom and his practices, but he sure wants to see her in those stands.

Well, that's, that's awesome. And you're, you're describing a creative process to where you, Okay, you go to practice, think, okay, I'll be at the practice fine. And I'll do some work on my laptop. No, that didn't work. Okay, well, then, well, what can I do to try this and try that and, and find the thing that works. So that sounds to me like a like a huge key was that creative thinking and not just sort of try one thing and doesn't work? So you quit. That's, that's sounds like a solution for a lot of scenarios.

Can I can I share with you a poignant memory that just came back to me? And this was this was this was before, this was not long before he said he wanted me at his practices. I was the Deputy Chief Scientist for a large airforce command, and I had picked him up from daycare. So he had been, I dropped him off at daycare at 630 in the morning, I went to work, he was a daycare, they take him to school, they'd bring him back. It's the whole before and after care thing. I don't know if they do it the same way in Canada, but at 630 was when they close. So I went, I picked him up, I'd gotten him some Burger King or something unhealthy. And I brought I was like, Okay, we're gonna go back to Mommy's office so I could finish my work. And he said, "Why, Mommy? Why didn't you finish your work when it was work time? This is my time." And the worst part was the caregiver was like, Yeah, mom. And I was like, Excuse me. And she's like, I didn't say anything. But it really stuck. It was like, you know, this is not he didn't sign up to be born to some mom, who was just going to stuff him in, his stuff him in his, in her office so she could get more work done. And I began to make those changes. So it was a slow, it was a process. It was a process. Yeah, it was a process.

Well, I can imagine for what you're sharing about your own character, personality. Even even just taking that, and absorbing that and then processing and being willing to kind of say, okay, he's called me out, maybe I need to look at that, instead of just getting angry and shutting, shutting him down. What so many of us do, right? So that was yeah, I can imagine that was a tough process for you to ..

I mean, he was what six or so at that time, he didn't know what it was like to be to be me as the mom. Trying to figure out how I'm going to pay these bills, and how I'm gonna ... he didn't know all that. All he knew is mom wakes him up, drops him off, picks him up, goes back to work, goes home, puts him in the bed and goes back to work. And so what does that tell a child? And really, if we extrapolate from that to, from children to to the marriage, what does that tell a spouse? You know, if I want somebody to feel important, and to me, I want them to feel important in my life, I've got to treat them like they're important. And that doesn't mean coddling or, or sacrificing my happiness for them completely. But it does mean okay, how can I honor them and how can I appreciate their needs? And maybe I can't meet all the needs, but how can I? How can we be as in this as a partner? You know, like even even with my husband, I had an opportunity to meet Les Brown in person and I'm like, hon, it's on your birthday and your birthday is finally on a Saturday and we could actually celebrate your birthday he's like, but you've been wanting to meet Les Brown in person, and I want you to be a millionaire. So go. So he flew out six o'clock that morning, told him happy birthday and left and came back but but that but but I would have squashed that opportunity to be with him on his birthday for the first time in years, then he wasn't working on his birthday. So it's for me been a journey, I know that it will always come back. And I'm telling you today when when, when I told my son, I couldn't hug him for his birthday. And he was like it... because I was starting to feel under the weather. And I wasn't sure you're just not sure. So you don't want to risk and he's like, Well, I'm getting my hug. When I was 17, I didn't care about things like that with my parents, because I had animosity. I had a bad relationship with my parents when I was 17. So for me, I'm like, it's not perfect.

That is a perfect thing. When your teenager wants that hug, that's awesome. So since you're talking a bit about your husband, I want to shift a little back to and I don't know how far back you want to go with this. But just thinking about because you were married, and then you were single parent, now you're married again. So the your children, I guess a particularly your older son has been through this, this presence of two different dads and the absence of Dad. What, what stands out from that most to you, when you look at your son and consider his life and his growth. And the presence and absence of dads, what what does that... what stands out to you is in terms of the impact of that on, particularly on your son, I guess, but also on you as a, as a mother and trying to raise this boy the best you can?

Well, this is going to be the part of the show where I risk offending some of your guests. So if anybody's offended at what I have to say, then please count it to me and not to Kevin because he's awesome. For the first, the first thing I want to say on that is when I remarried, I was I was never going to get married again. And Chris just somehow came alongside me and and somehow we just, it just grew and we ended up like we're gonna do this forever. Right? Like that was not my initial plan. I loved being a single mom. Because my first marriage was so unpleasant. And now that I remarried, I'm like, Oh, wow, this is what it's like to be able to have a partner. And even though we had some issues that, you know, communication and other issues that we had to work out, and we still have some from time to time, you know, every once in a while one of us gets all spun up about something that was really just a mistake. And we just have to talk through and stuff. But but but the overarching theme for me is I did not realize when I remarried, how amazing it was going to be in my oldest son's life or in my life to have a partner. And I didn't I didn't expect that my my taste of marriage from the first time wasn't all that great. My my taste of my parents marriage, my mom's marriages, my my dad, and then my, ...and then my stepdad wasn't great. And my dad who adopted me and reared me and who you know is poured his love of football and all that other stuff into me was not even my biological father. So it was a whole mixed up complex background that I brought into both marriages. And so so I will say that today, being in a solid marriage has made a huge difference for my oldest son. And being in that space of, of being single. I didn't know how important it was to have a male and a female influence. And I'm not knocking anybody else, because there's some people that are in traditional marriages that are just horrible parents. And I know there's people that are non traditional marriages that are good parents, yet at the same time, my observation is I was never going to be a good enough dad to my son. And as a single mom, I raised all those banners of I'm a single mom and a single dad because I had them 24/7 We didn't have co-parenting or anything he gave up those rights. And so I felt like for me, you know, I can do all I can do everything he needs but I, I didn't have everything he needs. And my current husband brings to the table so much masculinity, and a calmness that I don't have, and other, other intangible things that - I'm struggling now with my words and you've known me long enough to know I rarely struggle with words. But I'm struggling with words to be able to, to be able to really capture what he brings to the table, but I'm so thankful that he came into our lives and especially into my oldest son's life. And so the now going back to the to the time before I met Chris or time before we decided to get married, ... it says it's a huge hole when a parent is not involved, especially a dad, and I think it's a huge hole when a father is not involved both for girls sake as I can look at my own life growing up and and all the issues I had from knowing that my dad was not my real dad. And, and even when my mom divorced him because he had some, some abusive issues and we rebuilt a relationship later in life. But as a kid, those issues are there. And then and then seeing her remarry and her heal, and, and all those things. But I look at my first marriage. And I'm like, you know, it's not just the gaping heart in a daughter's life when there's no doubt there. But it's also a gaping hole in a son's life, when a dad is not there. And walking, my oldest through all of that has been, has been a journey. And there's some things that people advise me that helped me help him. And so I had other single moms that told me, Don't ever pretend that the dad is going to do this, or do that, so that you don't hurt your child's feelings, because that's what we want as mothers, we want to smooth it over. And well, why didn't dad pick me up? Well, honey, he loves you, and he wants to work and all this stuff.

And I found that my ex would tell him, I'm gonna come pick you up, and I'm gonna go buy you all the stuff. And then we get on the phone after they've talked. And he'd say, Well, I told him all these things, but it's not gonna happen, I just want to give you a heads up. And so I finally started putting him on speakerphone. And, and my son got to hear that and you'd think as a mom, oh, my goodness, that's gonna hurt him. But what it did was it showed him that this is who I'm dealing with, and not to internalize when he doesn't show up. And so I know this show is called legendary dads, and I don't want to talk about anything poor. But I do want people to understand that, that when you when we don't show up for our kids, or when we show up for our kids, but we don't show up in the way they need us to, we show up in the way we want to show up, it leaves that empty heart. And that leaves that empty hole in their heart. And that takes a lot of time and effort and energy to overcome. And so it really affected him for a while. But as he's grown up, he's been able to say, okay, I can make choices in my life. And I can choose to be a good person, or I can choose to be a poor person, or I can choose to meet this need, or I can choose to meet that need. And what he was able to see over time is, well, Dad doesn't spend any time with me, but he sends me, you know, a new phone. Well, that that doesn't meet my need. And I'm gonna choose to meet the needs of the people that I care about. So I know it's a pretty long, long winded answer, but I just, I'm so thankful for where my life is right now, to be honest with you. I'm thankful to be in a relationship with a partner who is a partner. And and I'm thankful to have somebody who's willing to pour into my son's life, even though he wasn't his biological father.

Yeah, no, listen, don't apologize. That's, I really appreciate the vulnerability in that sharing. And that's, that's a bold choice. And it's the kind of thing, when you when you start sharing, letting your son hear those conversations, for example. That's bold, and, and I suppose risky. And it's one of those things that we have to decide, you know, when and what do we do at different ages? And, and this is part of the challenge, right, as parents, we don't know, until later whether it was really was the right thing or not. Right? So...

cuz I had no idea that that was gonna work. But one thing I did know is when I became a single mom, and I'm like, I don't know how to do this. My mom wasn't a single mom. I mean, she was for a little bit when she had me for a few months, but she wasn't a single mom all the time I knew her. So I asked other single moms, what were the biggest mistakes? This goes back to that thinking strategically? What were the biggest regrets and mistakes that you had? I regret putting my ex husband on a pedestal, because it cause, ... it cause behavior and relationship issues with my kids later on in their life, because they looked at me as the bad guy. And they looked at their dad as the most amazing, wonderful, perfect person ever. And what must mom have done to run them off? And so again, I wasn't planning on re-marry, I'm thinking I'm gonna be a stay at home. I mean, a single mom for the rest of my life. And I was looking strategically. I didn't know that was going to work. But I knew what didn't work because all my friends in the military who'd had kids much earlier than me, were going through these problems. Yeah, I said, Okay, so I know not to do that. I'm going to try this. And it may not have worked. It really may not have worked. There was one time when he was asleep. And he woke up in the middle of me talking with his ex mother ... his ex stepmom. She had the same kind of marriage I had. And she was explaining everything. And I was like, yeah, that happened to me, too. I'm so sorry. That happened to you. I wish we would have talked before you guys gotten married, you know, but you probably wouldn't believe me anyway. And he heard all those things that his father did to me and to her and he loved her. He loved his stepmom. She was great. I was so happy when they got married. But that does something to a child. And for years, he was so angry. And I had to own my role. I had very carefully hid that part of it from him. But now I had to own my own role and now he's heard this And now he can't unhear it. And I had to humble myself and get him more help or acknowledge this or acknowledge that and those things. So most things were really embarrassing. And I didn't know that that strategy was going to work. And I'm not saying I recommend that on your show do that. But I knew what didn't work, because I talked to enough people, okay, that didn't work. That didn't work for them, that didn't work for them. And enough, people said, this didn't work. And now they had, they had problems with their kids, their kids were hitting them, their kids were doing things to them, their kids were running off their kids were falling into drugs and, and even abusing women. And I was just like, Okay, I don't want that for me and my son, 10 years from now, 15 years from now,

right. And what I'm going to just kind of suggest here that when you when you took that chance, and we're sharing, I mean, this is something we all have to decide at different ages, what do we really share, at least those of us that are willing to be vulnerable with our kids, which I always recommend. But it's his that it is that process of trying to figure out what, when is the right age for things, and sometimes stuff happens, and you don't have a choice like, with us in the collision. Our kids have been going through stuff that really, you know, it's adult stuff, they shouldn't be dealing with that. And they shouldn't have had to face it, but they it's not even our fault. But for me, and I believe this is true for you. It's the success of it. Even if it wasn't the best choice as things that we've done as well, I'm thinking of the success of it in terms of parenting is, is in our relationship with them. And that's and to me, that's part of the vulnerability thing, yes, you might share too much or, or bring too much into it. But then it's also being willing to that means you're willing to kind of go, oh, okay, I need to walk you through this, because this is challenging for you. And let's go through this together. You know, yes, this is about, you know, becoming legendary and that, but it's all about the life for me. Legendary dad is about the life that we are giving to our kids and teaching them to live. So that even after we're gone, they have that life that they continue to live and they share that life with their family and with their kids. So absolutely, this is this is the gold that it's all about is learning these things from each other. And I love that you're willing to share your perspective, as a mother,

I realized I probably should cap a little bit of that with with letting everybody know that. In today's world, I did see the impact of hearing that like when I told my origin story, how I got divorced. And, and you know, I had all this debt that he had run up in my name, I could see the effect of that on my son. Because once he knew everything, I started telling some of it, I'm told every all of it, but But I saw the effect of it on my son. And so now I routinely tell him, I would go through everything I ever went through with your father, just to have you as my son, I would do it all over again, no regrets. And I tell him that often because I want him to not internalize any of that negativity with that in the way that kids do. And I want him to know that he is loved. And he is valued. And he's mine.

Yeah, that's awesome. So I appreciate hearing that. And so now, and interesting, because obviously, you're not the only person that had to go through these, this process in general, everyone's story is a little different. So now you have Chris who's come in, and I love that response. Who is who has joined with you and and you really emphasize the partnership and that. How, ... so you have a hard time coming up with the words and I can understand it would be difficult to describe what he brings, and all the awesomeness of that and so on. But can you describe the changes you've seen in your son through that through the process of your relationship with Chris and in Chris's involvement with him?

I definitely have seen my son become more confident. And I know some of that is my effort as well and working hard to meet his needs and getting him into the school system that will support him and you know, things like that. But I definitely see that he's more confident. And he he trusts that his parents are there for him where he didn't used to trust that anybody was there for him before. And, and so I also find that there's a there's there's a calming of me. There's a you know, I have someone to go to now and say okay, well here's, here's what I think and I had I had male influences in Philips life back then. And I had male influences that I could ask questions to, but when you're a single woman the dynamic is different when you're talking with men than when you're talking with your husband. And so I now have somebody that I can ask for advice, like, here's what I'm feeling, here's what I'm about to do. I'm about to rip this child's head off, you know, Am I overreacting, and He'll calm me down, or he'll be like, let me handle this, you know, in a in a man to man kind of way, or let you know, it takes a lot of pressure off. But it's just, it's just sharing that burden with somebody else. And I think because we're in it together, and we're unified, although we still have, we still have our little squabbles and things about, you know, still, I you would think after 10, 12 years, we'd know each other pretty well. But we really, it's you know, you still have everything my little past used to calm surprises like, Oh, here's a surprise, open up the box, here's a surprise, you didn't know this about your wife, you didn't notice about your husband.

Surprise, open up those little surprises. But it's just it's just a grounding for him not grindingly punishment, but let's do like a settling and an establishing. And it's, it's like, I never had that growing up. Even though I had a two parent household. This was not my house, growing up was not a safe place. It wasn't a safe place. And if anybody got emotional or reactive, you might get punished in ways that are not appropriate today, in a lot of families. But you might have this happen or that happen in the same thing you couldn't express yourself or any of those things. And now with what he has, I feel like what the difference that Chris has brought is not only helping me be a better parent, but also giving my son a safe foundation a safe, safe place to land when when things mess up, or when he doesn't understand something. And just be helping me advocate, you know, there's just, I'm sorry, I don't I don't care what anybody says there's some things that guys can do better and more effectively, in certain arenas than women can do. And, and even in today's society, and in America, I don't know what it's like in Canada, but in today's society, as tolerance we are have a lot of people, people still respect a tall, broad shouldered man walk in there and take care of business, as opposed to the little woman and I'm not that little, but it's still I can see the difference. And so for me, it's, it's definitely been a blessing to have somebody who's who's partnering with me in the rearing of this child.

Yeah. And I really appreciate what you shared about, about your relationship with Chris and his impact on you. And you tie that into your son Phillips life. And so I think that's a key thing that so many of us miss, right? When we, when we're at odds with our spouse, we're maybe not thinking about how that relationship is actually impacting our relationship with our child. And because they see and hear the see, even if they don't, if we try to hide it, they think they feel a lot of it. So I appreciate you, because I that I think is a really is a really big thing. And just sharing again, the the difference that, that a man, your perspective and the difference that a man makes in in in a boy's life, just as you said like, Chris, His presence is different. It is. And that's a and you're seeing that as a really positive thing and Philips life. And so with that, [and mine], yes, of course. That's fantastic. I really appreciate you sharing all this and I... is there,... I'm going to wrap up in a second. But I just like to give everyone a chance. If there's something that was on your mind that you wanted to share, we haven't covered, then you could do that. Otherwise. I'm going to ask you a few fun questions, and then we can wrap up.

Okay, well, one thing I guess would be on my mind is that it's really important to communicate with each other. And my husband, I guess he was trained well by his ex wife that sometimes she just needs to vent. And so when I start talking, he will let me vent and think it through. And I do think through talking. And I have actually had the Learn the opposite, like my girlfriends have learned how to tell their husband, I don't want you to solve this problem. I just want you to listen, I've had to tell him, I want your input at the end of this. I want to know what you think. And I want your opinion, because otherwise he will let me talk myself out and then he'll go back to watching the show. And I'll be like, I want to know what's going well, I want to know what you think. But if I if I don't, if I don't communicate that to him, then, then, then, he won't know. And so I think it's really important to communicate, because whether we're the type that over communicate, and then maybe our spouse will shut down, or whether we're the type that is more even keeled, and we never say what's on our heart, that our spouse never knows. And I think back to our very, very (just, I lost my screen.) I hope I'm still there. I think I think back to how much of a friendship that we've had. And anytime that we've had an issue is always come down to communication. Like I thought you said this, and you said that and you thought you said this, and I heard that, or I was looking for this level of support, but you didn't know to give it to me. And then I didn't want to tell you, and then I didn't want to address it. And the next time it came up, I blew up over something. But what I was really blowing up over was what happened two or three weeks ago, but I never told you this bothered me. So you kept doing it. So I, I'm a very verbal person, if you bother me, I'm gonna be like, hey, that bothers me. But I had to learn that that that shuts him down. And he's also had to learn over the years to be able to tell me, Hey, that bothers me. I really wish you wouldn't do that. Because otherwise, I don't know. And I didn't know I was shutting him down. And again, it goes back to making that safe space for the behavior you want to happen. Just because it's a safe space for you may not mean it's a safe space for the other party. And just like I had to learn how to make a safe space for my son, to be able to express his concerns, I had to learn how to make it. I had to learn how to make a safe space for my husband, to be able to express his concerns. And I needed him to let me know that I was not making a safe space. Like the time to tell your spouse is not in the middle of an argument. Because they may not hear. But I've been so trained with personal behavior, that it was like, Hey, wait a second, is this happening right here? Is this happening in our marriage right now. But I think of how many other couples don't have that background or that training, and don't have access to your coaching or your programs to uncover some of these issues. And maybe they struggle because they don't even realize that it's this communication issue. And their spouse really does want to communicate, their spouse has wonderful things to say, but they're not making it space for they're not making a safe space for them to be able to express those things without fear of retribution, or fear of oh, she's gonna think less of me, or she's gonna put me down, or she's gonna get all excited. And I didn't even realize that that was making him feel like I was putting him down, you know. So I hope that I hope that's making sense. I know, I kind of get real passionate about those things, but, but I see how it plays out of my life. And I don't ever want to tell somebody don't be who you are. I am always going to be fiery, passionate, JJ Conway. The long term result, however, I want to be passionate, fiery JJ Conway with lots of money in the bank and a very happy family, preferably the same family I have right now. So, again, I make those strategic decisions to grow my family in that way.

Awesome. Well, thank you for sharing that. And I love the way you said that. Just because it's a safe space for me doesn't mean it's a safe space for them. That's, that's awesome insight. Super Well, I really, really, really appreciate this. And it's fun to talk with you. And I'm sure we could just talk for hours. But I know you have a birthday to celebrate. And I'd love for you to do that. So I'm just going to quickly ask you a couple of fun questions. And then we'll wrap up. I know you had something that you wanted to make available to the listeners. And we'll talk about that. Question number one, just a couple of quick ones. Who is the most famous person you have met?

The most famous person I've met is President George W. Bush.

Nice. Where was your first kiss, or when?

I was six years old and Okinawa airbase in Japan, or Kadena Air Base in Okinawa, Japan.

All right. Can you name the seven wonders of the world?

No, but one of them should be JJ Conway and Kevin Williams. Oh, let's see the Temple of Diana the pyramids? No, no, Chris, could though.

I'm trying to find someone who can because I can't either. And I don't want to Google it. What is your favorite meal?

My favorite meal is lasagna. The way my mom makes it.

Hmm. And what is one person that you have not met yet that you most want to meet?

One person that is on my list of people to me is Condoleezza Rice.

That would be an interesting conversation. Sure. Thank you again. Now you have first of all, there's something that you wanted to share. Just a gift for the listeners that you that you said you wanted to share. Do you want to speak to that briefly? Sorry, before you do, let me just say this because I know We're talking a lot about, about our relationships and about our character and building family and so on, and the legend. And although my emphasis in the podcast is on the legendary life that we build and leave for our families, part of the legacy that we want to leave is, will also be financial in some way. And that is J J's current focus and activity. And so this ties in very much. And I hope that JJ and I will talk again, another time about that side of things, and go more in depth into that. So with that, then just tell us a bit about what you want to share with people.

Absolutely. So So we're here talking about legendary dads, and I believe in legendary dads, and I believe all dads can be legendary. And I know one of the things that keeps us from expressing our inner legendary self is money, struggles, money, trouble, I should say, our money troubles, our money struggles. In any event, when we can't, when we're stressed out about money, and we're worried about how we're going to provide for our family and meet their needs, it's really difficult to express ourselves in ways that are honoring to our family. And it's also difficult for us to take the energy that's needed to honor our family and nurture our family. And so I have a gift for your listeners. Today, it's my 28 Days to Financial Freedom Boot Camp. Now honestly, we're not going to get financially free in 28 days, unless you've already on a good trajectory already. But wait, you can get started on the ways, his daily videos that walk you through how money works, and the things that you need to have a solid financial plan. So you might have some communication issues to address. And Kevin's coaching can help with that. And you might have some, some relationship strategies to learn and Kevin's coaching can help with that. But at least money won't be one of the things that you fight about anymore. And so you can get that at JJ C link.com. So JJC L oh, I'm sorry, JJC link.com/gift, that's JJC link.com/gift.

Awesome, thank you so much, that is gonna be a huge part for a lot of people. And I with that, thank you again, so much, I really appreciate it. And we will put that link and other ways to reach you. buildingwealthtogether.com, and so on, we will have all that in the show notes for people, if they want to explore further. I know from working with JJ that she's really put a lot into this in her heart is into helping people, which is why I was so excited to work with her. And she has been very helpful to me over the last year. So I know that working with her will be a positive experience, for sure if you have any concerns about finances, and you want to learn and here's your starting point right here with this gift from JJ. So as we wrap up, I just want to encourage everybody to go ahead and take care of that gift, take advantage of that gift. And if you found anything in this conversation that really kind of touches you or triggers something or brings you awareness to you, please reach out and have a conversation with me. I would love to talk about these things. And it's the kind of stuff that I'm always talking about with people. And just helping people to walk through the awareness that JJ described here doesn't come on its own. It comes from conversations with people, it comes from being willing to hear and ask some difficult questions. And a lot of the time, someone else has to ask you that question, to bring it to your awareness. And that's something that I love doing. So I would love to help you out and work together with JJ we can get the life legacy and the financial legacy all pulled together. That would be awesome to see you guys do that. So thank you again, JJ, thank you all for joining us in this conversation. And I look forward to hearing from our next guest next week and from, for seeing you all soon. Have a great week. Bye for now