Don’t Mind Being Kind | LQ040

Welcome to our love space. Today, I am so excited to have you here joining in on our exploration of how to incorporate kindfulness into your dream love space. So you know, we've been talking about our love spaces and really being intentional about the love space that we're going to start to build and create in 2025 and again, if you are listening in the future and not as these episodes drop, then Hello future people. Hello future me. So yes. So we're going to talk about kindfulness today. I'm excited to talk about it, not just because it's a word that I made up. I put two words together to really kind of give us a better, big picture idea of how we should be functioning in our relationships, but also because I think that it's something that's going to be easier to add in than you think, and it's going to be so impactful to your relationship dynamic. So I'll give you a quick definition of kindfulness. I've really meshed together the words, kind of mindful, so you kind of get a sense of where I'm going to go with it. But here we go. So the definition of kindfulness is being present in the moment with your significant other or with whatever social partner you were with, because this, don't forget, this works for friendships too, so being present in the moment with intentional openness, empathy and generosity for your partner, okay, for the person that you are communicating with, for the person you are using your kindfulness with. So let's break it down in it what each of those pieces mean and how they can impact your relationship. So our first piece that being in the moment, piece being present, right? Being mindful, so you are there with the intention to be present in the moment and not distracted. And let's think about that we so often in our lives nowadays can get caught up, especially if you have kids, right? Kids can really ramp this dynamic up. Of the we're just rushing by each other during the day. By the time we get to the end of the day, after all the rushing and the hustle and the bustle are over, lots of us are feeling like a little tired and exhausted, and then that what we do to recover from that is we often jump in to a little bit of escapism, a little bit of over consuming of things. And that would mean that, you know, we're like Doom scrolling on our phones right? Or we're just like jumping into Netflix series, and maybe we're doing a Netflix you know, just like binging that and not having conversation or being in the moment, our brains are just turned off. Maybe we're watching and we don't even know what's going on in the Netflix episode because our brain is still racing or overthinking or whatever. I know a lot of people that fall into those kind of evening dynamics, and then we're not really being present with our partners. Sure, we're there in the same room, we might be there on the same couch, but we're not really noticing and being with each other, right? And so it's one thing when we watch a show together, and we're really actively watching and taking it in, and we're conversing about that, but there's so often, I think, that we just, you know, plop down in front of the TV and we're just like, mindlessly. They're like little zombies. So we don't want to be distracted like that with our partner, just all day, every day, in and out, because that is where we are going to lose the spark, right? We want to have the intention to be present and be there with them. It doesn't have to be 100% of the time. I'm not saying never zone out or veg out, but we do want to have some mindfulness there of having moments when we're present with each other and not distracted by our phones, not distracted by looking at our appointments, not distracted by whatever you know, little 2025, distractions are there for us. Okay? The and if we really think about it, doesn't the love of our life deserve our attention? Think of where we're been putting our attention all day, right? Maybe into strangers, maybe into other people, and the love of our life is not getting attention what that's the love of our life. We need to give them as much attention and being present in the most possible because they deserve it, and our relationship with each other deserves it. The second getting into the other pieces of the definition, that second part of the definition. So we'll jump into the idea of openness. So first, we're present, great. We're there, we're paying attention. We're not distracted. Now we have this idea of openness. And why is openness important to our relationship dynamic? Well, the openness piece is and when I mean openness, I mean that you're there and you're really being curious. I could actually even put openness and curious. You know, I love to use extra words. So, yeah, I could probably put a million words in the kindfulness definition. But when I say openness, it means that you are having a curiosity about your partner. You are not sitting there and being like, Oh, I know everything about them. I know. Everything they're going to say. I know every behavior they're going to do. Now I understand that we do know lots about our partner, and we probably can make pretty good predictions, but when we are constantly jumping to conclusions or like, I'm not even going to like, I'm not really listening to what they're saying, because I'm already jumping ahead to what I think they're going to say, and so now I'm planning my response. We're not really actually actively listening, and when we're not actively listening and being open and curious right about what the other person is saying to us and sharing with us, we will not miss out on cues and on ideas, and those cues and ideas won't just be like they can be our non verbal things, right? So if we're planning a response in our head and we're kind of listening to their words, that doesn't give us, you know, much bandwidth to be processing their facial expressions and their word choices, right? And I don't want to die like that. You should be, you know, psychoanalyzing every single word your partner says to you when they're sharing. But we can miss out on these more subtle clues that might be coming with their message, right and now remember that for communication, we're just talking about sending and receiving messages. Now I know when I get a text that I probably don't look at it and go, Oh, that's from so and so it's a Tuesday. They're probably texting me about this and then not open it or, like respond without reading it. No, I'm still going to read that text, right? I'm still going to listen to this voicemail. And that's the same thing when we're listening to our partner. We need to listen to the whole thing. We need to make sure that we're getting that full message. Maybe not for some simple things, but you know, we should be giving them that space, that openness, that curiosity, for communication with them. So if we're open, if we're when we're being kind, if we're kindful, if we're in the moment, and then we're also being open and curious about what they're sharing, what they're expressing, what we are experiencing with them, that's going to lead to us not jumping to conclusions, not making assumptions, right? And we all know that old saying from, like, I don't know, a million years ago, about how assumptions make an ass out of you and me. Did you guys ever have your teachers say that? Yeah, so we don't want to do that with each other, right? We don't want to jump to conclusions. The other thing about being open and being curious is that we automatically then start to hold space for our love of life, right? We're holding space for them to now share, to be comfortable all of those things, and this is where the true listening starts. So that's what we want to do we really want to open up and have that open, openness and curiosity for our partner? The next piece that we're building on top of this to kind of flesh out our kindfulness is having empathy with our partner. So empathy also stops us from jumping to conclusions, because it allows us to start really perspective taking. That's really what empathy is. And some people are are more naturally empathetic. They can feel and sense other people's emotions, or they can make really smart guesses about how that other person is probably feeling, and can really kind of feel it and be in the moment with them. Okay, so, but having some perspective, having some empathy, right? Helps us take perspective, because it pauses us to stop and think and like, even if I think the thing you're talking about maybe is silly,

right? Maybe I disagree, and I don't think that this is like, an important life changing moment. If I can put myself in your shoes, if I can take on your perspective of, like, wow, how must this be? I can hear that you're talking about in this way, how must this be for you and what you are going through and what you are experiencing? Oh, yeah, like, if I was in your shoes, it would be a big deal for me, right? You don't have to agree that, that that's on your page, that's a big deal. But if you can see that it's a big deal for them, and truly see that, oh my gosh, what. What an amazing thing. It opens up in your relationship dynamic, because you don't, you know, it's almost like being able to agree to disagree in certain instances, but really with like, true compassion, right? So you can be like, Hey, I'm going to help you through this. I'm going to empathize with you. I'm going to be in the same place with you, because I can understand it from your perspective, from your point of view, even if, when that's this, if this happens to me, I won't want any of this, because I'll probably just brush it off. It won't even be a thing. And that is fine, right? We don't have to be the same in our relationship, but having that perspective, taking piece, being able to see from the other point of view, other person's point of view, and to really have it sit with you that's going to open up to create a safe space in your love, space for vulnerability, right? Right? If you are being open and empathetic with your partner when you are communicating with them, when you are interacting with them, just throughout the day, right? Because kindfulness isn't only about communication, per se like this, like the words we're talking back and forth, but it's just our approach to each other. So if we're always approaching each other with openness and empathy and being as present in the moment when we can right as often as we can, and choosing to be present right, like, I can choose to like, kind of like, I really want to see this next thing on my phone, or I can choose to be like, Ah, this is the love of my life. This is a real human being here with me. Now I can, you know, what? If I just close this app, if I just close, tick tock, if I just close, I can get back to this in two seconds when they're done talking, or when they're done sharing, or when I'm done giving them a hug because they've just come home from work, right? I can pause that phone, I can pause that distraction, and I can show them some kindfulness, and I can go back to my distraction, right? Okay, so that's going to create that space for vulnerability if we are moving through our life and our relationship dynamic with our openness and our empathy. And the next piece that we're going to layer on top of that is generosity. So when you look up the definition of being generous, right, it's showing a readiness to give more of something than is needed. This is fantastic. I think this is actually one of the most important parts of this idea, is to have generosity with your partner, to give them more than what they need. And this is actually, there's a very similar idea to this in the book 8080, marriage by Nate and Kaylee Klemp. I believe it are the two authors behind that. They're a couple. It's a great it's a great read. If you haven't read it yet and you're interested in those kind of books, I would definitely recommend it. And really they talk about this idea of radical generosity, right? So they're talking about the big picture idea of being radically generous in your marriage. So instead of having a 5050, marriage where everything is equal, we have equal tasks, and, you know, equal responsibilities and equal getting things out of it, like if you buy jeans, I get to buy jeans if you go up for dinner with your friends, I get to go out for dinner with my friends. That's a 5050 marriage, and they actually do a really great deep dive into the history of marriage dynamics and how the 5050 marriage actually doesn't really work, because you're constantly comparing your needs and whether they've been met or not with whether your partner's needs have been met or not. Like say, you know, say you go out, or your partner goes out for a friend's birthday, and you can't get babies there, so just they go out for the friend's birthday, and then they happen to have another social gathering, maybe in a week or two. That is maybe just a them thing, and they are opting in to go to that too well. Now you're there sitting and thinking, oh my gosh, they've gone to go to two social events with friends, and I haven't gone to any social events with friends. Well, now I'm owed to social events, right? And you don't want that just makes a tug of war in your relationship dynamic, if you just feel like as a constant check and balances of who gets what and who owes what time and who's had more of anything, and if you've had more than you owe the other person and things like that, and now you're just in a tug of war or a constant equality competition, right? And we that's not going to be good for your marriage. And that's actually one of the reasons why, at least they argue in their book. That's one of the reasons why that marriages can seem so out of balance nowadays, or that some people have so much of the you know, just one person has way more of the mental load. And it's because we're constantly like, just checking up on each other and trying to make this entirely equal, where life is not really fair and equal. And you know, things pop up and things happen in life at different times for different people, and different dynamics happen. And so you can't just be running your your everyday life like everything has to be perfect and fair and equal and exact, because that's not really how the world in nature works, right? And then they also talk about how in the 8020 marriage that you get a bit of it was like, even maybe, though it's like, a little sexist or a little whatever, at least the relationship dynamic is very clear, and you're not having to check do your checks and balances, right? We know one person is doing 80% of the like home management stuff, and the other person is doing 20, and vice versa with, you know, making money and things like that. And so it's very laid out, right? The old style, that of of marriage, that our grandparents, our great grandparents, had, those what? That's all very straightforward, right? It's very straightforward, whether it's. Or not. And, you know, with feminism and all that, that's besides the point, but it's laid out. It's clear you know what to expect in a 5050 marriage. We have not navigated this. We have not really perfected it. And it actually doesn't work, because it does make that spirit of competition and adversarialness rather than the spirit of teamwork, collaboration. So that's why I really like their book. Because I think the 8880 marriage does give you that spirit of teamwork and collaboration. It's it's really good, and what they talk about for that is the idea of radical generosity, where you're kind of just going around thinking about how you can give more than you need to give in all of the situations and all of the things that come up in your relationship and in your life, right? Because your your life, you're living your life in your relationship, right? So I think that really gets to the heart of it is, if everyone's going around giving more than they need, do you know what will happen? Everyone's cups will be overflowing with extra, and then that will be able to flow out into other pieces, right? If you're, if you like, are constantly extra, helping each other out. There won't be those holes there where it's like, well, no one did this, and no one did this, and this got missed, and I always have to check up on that person, because they never do these chores in this drawer and blah, blah, blah, right? There's more of a spirit of coming together and doing some teamwork collaboration, which I love, right? That's one of our big picture ideas around here, is working as a team, right? And that your relationship in your life is a group work project for you both to be super passionate and involved about. There's often I meet couples where one person maybe it's just, I kind of describe it as not wanting to live life, right? Like we just want to be like a little mushroom or potato. I don't know why I said potato

just popped in my head, but, you know, like a little mushroom, like a little thing that's just stuck on something, and we're just, you know, like, I guess mushrooms grow, but you know, we're just, like, stuck on that thing, and we're not really moving, we're not really putting any effort into life, right? We're not really, you know, like, anything that's effortful or whatnot, that we're not putting any work there, right? We're not putting any of our energy towards that. So, whether that's house management, whether that's job growth, whether that is participating more in child care, right? All of those things where it's like, oh, this is just part of living daily life. There are some people who are a little bit shut off to that, and so that that is going to be difficult to do if you have one person shut off, and that because giving more than is needed is going to be difficult when that person has difficulty even giving themself the minimum, right? And that so that might be more something for counseling or for some deeper dives into exploring maybe some past traumas or why that's popping up. But for this, for the generous piece here, if you guys are both on the same page that like, yes, let's be kindful to each other. Let's implement, you know, some openness, some empathy and some radical generosity in to our relationship and being present in every moment that we can be present in choosing to turn off distractions, choosing to put our phones down or whatever. Those are all going to be amazing choices and change our dynamics. So as always, you can see that being open and being empathetic and having generosity with each other is really going to boost your relationship dynamic, because all of these things create positivity and positive feelings in your relationship, right? Having more vulnerability, it'll create that space for increased vulnerability, and that's going to lead to increased connection again, and your increased connection is going to lead to increased affection and intimacy, and that's going to lead to increased energy, and your increased energy is just going to feed back into this cycle. So as always, I like you guys to write things down, to make it tangible, to make it real, especially because then it's something you can come back to, as we know, but it also really puts it out there in the world. So thinking about your dream, love space, as we have been, and thinking about this concept of kindfulness. What are we going to do with it? Well, the first thing I always like you to do is to think about the wins, right? To think about what is going well with this big picture piece, right? That's always good to start there, because then you have something to lean back on, right? You already know, like, yeah, we already have this going we and if that's coming naturally to us, we can just start to ramp that part up as a first step, right? That's why I really like to pick what strengths are going well, because we can even strengthen those while we work on building up the other pieces. So your first writing prompt, so get out your pen, your little paper, your journal, your little. Phone, notebook, whatever, wherever you're going to write it down and you're going to write about where is kindfulness Already flourishing in your relationship? Okay? Is is it your communication? Is it in your affection? You know, those are big picture pieces, and you can pick some things out of that. It could even be like, Hey, we've got mornings down, right? We sit down for breakfast, we have a chat. We're connected, you know? We both have kind of like pieces of the morning routine to do. This is all going well. We're very kindful and chipper to each other in the morning, right? Fantastic. Write that down, if that's the piece. So, where is it flourishing already? The next part that I want you to write about is, where is kindfulness missing? Right? Because we have to be able to identify those gaps or those chunks, you know, it could be missing in when you have disagreements or arguments or hiccups, right? That maybe we are jumping to conclusions, maybe we're not fully listening. Maybe, you know, when we're receiving the person's communication, we're not receiving it in a kindful way, because we're receiving it with, you know, judgment or not even being curious, right? We're just like, I know what he's going to say, and I'm planning my or what they're going to say, and I'm planning my response in my head, okay? Is it maybe? Is it maybe that part so just, oh, I always make assumptions about their behavior, how they're going to act, or what they're going to be into, and I'm not actually curious, right? Like, I see there's a movie I want to go to, and I don't even ask or put it out there, because I know that person won't like that movie. Well, maybe they won't like it, but maybe, if they're doing things in the spirit of kindfulness, maybe they will go to it with you, like this week, right? Maybe they can step outside their comfort zone a little bit. And if we are approaching our relationship dynamic with kindfulness, we will, in order to be giving more than is being requested or needed, we will start to do things that are outside our comfort zone, and that, as we know and we've talked about here, is even more amazing, because going outside of our comfort zone and stretching us gives us kind of like that in the moment, vulnerability challenge, so not just having to open up with our feelings, but being able to be vulnerable with our actions and Our experiences. Right? There's also, you know, are we taking everyone's responsibility and deeds for granted? Right? Taking things for granted is really, you know, a missing, missing a piece of kindfulness, right? We're not being very kind if we're like that person needs to do, has to do that thing like, that's the thing they do, or whatnot. Because remember that no one in your life has to do anything for you, right? We would expect that people will do certain things. We can expect that certain things might be, you know, healthy in a relationship, or beneficial in a relationship, like being kindful to each other, right, but that it's we. We may have those expectations or those wants or those preconceptions. But no one in the world has to do anything for you, unfortunately, and so everyone is making a choice to do things for other people or for themselves. So when we take that for granted, that that person just has to, is actually not true, and that misses the kindfulness piece. Right? We've talked, we often talk on here a lot about, you know, saying thank you and showing gratitude and appreciation even for tiny things that that person maybe has done, especially if you've been married for a while, like if you are a 20 year in a 20 year relationship, you know, 25 year relationship, you may be like that person has made me a cup of coffee every morning for the last 25 years, but you could say Thank you. They've made a cup of coffee for you every morning for the last 25 years. So I think you could probably also say thank you every morning for the last 25 years, right? Like that just makes sense to me. So taking things for granted, where is our kindfulness missing? Write it out. Really be clear and identify really be like, Hey, we and really be clear about it, because in your love space, in this new love space that you are designing, that you are co creating together, that your teamwork collaborating on, we really want to have a good picture of where we can find growth. And so if we're not being open and honest with ourselves, with thinking about these things, it will be hard to be open and honest with each other. The next part I want you to do is, Where can I be more kindful? And this I'm going to make you like do a little brainstorming. Stretch on. I want you to come up with at least 10 things, 10 places, 10 whatevers of kindfulness that you think you could do. Now, these could be little things, right? Like it could be, every time my partner talks to me, I'm going to put my phone down, or put, like, put face down, put it to the side, put it in my pocket, something like that. I'm like, if they go, Hey, I'm going to be like, Oh, is it being like, Oh yeah, with my little phone out, I'm gonna be like, hey, and put it right away and

be like, What? What can I do? What's up? Right? And

approach it like that. So it or it could be like, I'm gonna think about really being in the moment when they leave for work, or when they come home for work, or when we both come in from work, or I'm going to be very mindful about, you know, saying good night, right? Be and have and being kindful about that. It could be, you know, more in your communication or your arguments, or some of the places where it's missing. You could take from that missing list and be like, Ah, here's some little things that I could add in. I really want you to stretch yourself and see if you can come up with 10. Each of you come up with 10 you and your partner, and then you're going to compare your list, because we all love comparison for this piece, right? We love bringing our lists and our ideas together here, and it's going to be great, because you can see at where everyone's ideas are at For where kindfulness can be added into the relationship. And you might be like, Oh my gosh, it's so crazy. We have eight out of 10 of the same things, and that's great, because that means that you guys are going to really be on the same page of where things are missing and what you want added in. Some of you are going to be like, Oh my gosh. I never even thought of kindfulness in this way, or that we could put kindfulness in there, or do that thing for each other, or that that wasn't even a thing you were doing, right? So that's going to be great, because there'll probably be some surprises in there that you will get to see from your partner. And out of these 20 things, right? Because if or and you might have more than 20, because if you you know, if you wanted to get an A plus plus on this writing assignment, and you went overboard, you did more than the 10, then you're gonna have a list of more than 20 things. And from these more than 20 things, what are you going to pick to put your energy into? As always, I think that you should start small, because the less you put on your plate, the more manageable it's going to be to actually implement these things, because implementation is the key Right. Talk is cheap. You have to actually do the walk, right? So my recommendation is to pick one thing, just 112, maybe two things, and just try them out this week, right? And see. And you guys can pick different things, or you can be like, Hey, these are the two things that we're both going to try for each other. We're both really excited for to be receiving and giving these pieces, or you might have to set two different ones each right, depending on what you guys pick from the list. And what I want you to make sure is because if you're doing just one or two things, you can try it out. You can see if it worked. You can see if it did make a change and bring more delight and more positive feelings and positive dynamic into your relationship. Or if you want to change them out, and you're like, actually, then we thought those would be nice ideas. And actually they're like, Fine, like, they're nice to have, but they didn't really make us feel delighted and joyful with each other, right? Or they weren't really like kind surprises. So we want to switch that up, right? It lets you experiment and grow and keep what works and what resonates and get rid of what doesn't right. And the other thing I want you to do is to think about the supports and the reminders you're going to need to try this out, right? So some of us might need to have post it notes on the fridge or on our bedside table. Some of us want to put alarms in the phone, but some of us want to have a reminders in our calendar, whatever is going to help you out to remember, to remind yourself to try out these new things that's going to be important, because that's often the first step where new habit creation falls apart, is that we haven't even really tried it because we forgot to try it. So whatever reminders you need to support you trying it, use those. Do not be ashamed. Do not be afraid, right? No one should have any shame or fear of putting in your calendar. Remember to kiss my love of life before I leave for work. And it seems silly, right? But it's not we've gotten too caught up in in the world, and that even something like that that seems small we should be able to do, we often forget perfect. I will recap those three little prompts for you just quickly here. So where is kindfulness Already flourishing? Where is kindfulness missing? And what are 10 or more ways that I can add some kindfulness into our relationship by adding more kindfulness into your relationship, so being present and in the moment with intentional openness, empathy and generosity, your relationship is going to be sparked.