Kindfulness in your Mega-Moment of Love | LQ006

Welcome to our love space today. Glad to have you listening in and joining along on our journey as we explore and learn together. Since I do get a lot of couples that have questions about how to tweak their date nights, or as we now call them are mega moments of love, we're going to do kind of like a little mini series on each of the big picture pieces to that you can use to kind of rethink your whole date night piece. And if you haven't gone and actually we kind of jump started this in Episode Five. So if you haven't listened to Episode Five, which is called mega moments of love are in and as true they are, as we found out on that episode, then do go back and have a listen. And that will help fill in some of the things that we're talking about today. So now that we have re thought what it means to be on a date night, and that's actually a mega moment of love. And we've renamed it that, let's think about making it happen. Right? How do we decide what we're going to do now? Or how do we decide what's important in tweaking these big connection moments and making a mega moment of love happen? So one of the things I think the first step is, is this kind fulness piece, and that's the K You know, I use my love cake acronym. So that's the k in it. And it stands for being mindful, slash being in the moment, and being kindly intended towards each other. And if you're not at the point where you can really be kindly intended with each other, or be in the moment with each other, then you may need to be starting at another place. I know for myself, personally, when I was in a relationship that was below, okay, right, things were not going well, we had not really spent a lot of time purposefully putting energy into things. And so when that when just the natural energy, like the new relationship energy that we had ran out, then we did do, we did try to do the right thing and try to go to counseling, and we, it was suggested we do more date nights. But they were always failing, and they just kept failing. And, you know, like things would happen, like pretty much every time we were out, they would turn into an argument or there would be tears, me tears, you can probably guess, but there will be tears, you know, that is just nothing would goes smoothly. And you know, one of those pieces that is that we didn't even know, like we knew go on a date night. But what we thought, which is, you know, that old concept was like, go out for dinner, and then come home and do something and then hopefully, that will fix everything. But we really didn't really get that big picture idea that we were there to try to find ways to reconnect and to open up conversations and to be safe with each other. And one of the things that would often happen just for me in my brain, is that I wouldn't be truly in the moment. And probably neither of us were truly in the moment. Because I was stuck in my head thinking about, you know, is this make making things better? What topics? Can I talk about my Can I talk about my feelings? Would if I talk about this thing is it going to turn into an argument again, you know, and I'm just like, in my head with all these, these thoughts, right. And if you're in a place where you're needing to get through those big feelings and needing to wade through some of these big heavy topics, then, like I said, maybe a mega moment of love isn't for your relationship just now. Because you can't be there, you need to be able to be there in the moment and not have all of these worries swirling around in your brain, we need to take a few steps back and get, you know, get some traction on that piece first. And then that other part with being kindful, besides being in the moment, again, is that if we're trying if we can't be kind to each other, or if we can't view what the other person is doing is being kindly intended. And then we're trying to use a date night or mega moment of love as our tool, it probably is gonna fall apart. Right? Because if we're thinking if we're just assuming that the other person, you know, if they brought up something that's a bit touchy with us, or you know, or we had to share some big feelings, we can often do that when things are not going okay. as being an us versus them situation. And, you know, viewing it with almost like there's a fog of resentment hanging over this date night piece. And you can't, you know, you can't move forward with that because what happens is then, if there's that fog of resentment hanging over And then you know, whatever you say, can feel like you're saying the wrong thing, or whatever your opinion is in a conversation, it gets, you know, kind of treated like it's a stupid opinion or if anything happens while you're out, it gets viewed through that lens of resentment. So there's no forgiveness there, there's no leeway there. And so it's really hard to try to improve and grow your relationship, when there's no leeway, and space and openness or vulnerability. So if those are the conditions, then like I said, we need to step we need to take a step back, and if that's where you are right now, that is, okay, that is definitely okay. And I see you, and I feel you because I've been there. I know, it's so it's so hard. But I do also want you to know that there's other places that we can start, there's other places we can work from. So if that's you, that's okay, you can still have a listen, you can still be here, because you're gonna need this info, eventually, you're gonna be on these mega moments of love, eventually. But this may not be where you quite need to start. So and that, and that will be a whole other episode, don't worry. So we can see that this kind of from this piece is really important, because that's the lens that we want, over our whole mega moment of love. That lens that we're in this moment to gather that lens that were kindly intending our actions towards the other person, that lens that were kindly viewing their actions towards us. That is where we want to start off our connection time together. So one of the easiest ways to kind of jumpstart our kind fulness to each other is to make some boundaries, or some guidelines, or I don't really like rules, because that sounds strict. But you know, kind of some standards for what our mega moment of love is going to have to help encourage and support our kind fulness towards each other. So one of the basic things, and I'm just going to get this out of the way, and people are going to be so annoyed, they've said this, because it seems like a no brainer. But it is often true that it can really get really get us stuck in a rat. So there's one big thing is to really have some boundaries, or like I said, some some ideas, some rules, some, you know, kind of standards around what we're going to do with our phone with our screens, because they are just ridiculously addictive right now, right? They're programmed all these algorithms and all these things. They're programmed to make our brains be like, Oh, what's this? What's the dopamine Hurray. And we want in our micro moments of love are for our dopamine, and you know, our happy feelings, and our great things to be from each other and not from our phone. Which again, I'm sure people are going to be annoyed and be like, Oh, well, of course. But you say, of course, but probably when's the last time that you went on? You know what you were on having a big connection time with the other person, and that you didn't check your phone one time? Or that you left your phone at home, you decided, hey, we just need one phone up for today. Because anyone who's having an emergency will know if they call me and there's no answer, then they're going to call the love of my life. Probably right? Or they're going to text him, they're going to have a way to probably get a hold of me if we have one phone between us. Right? Can you even think and one of the things is that besides it being addictive, and we can be like, Oh, was that an alert? Was that a thing? Is that a thing? I need to you know, answer I'm sure if we're setting aside a few hours of our time, right? Sometimes our mega moments of love will be shorter. Sometimes it'll be a few hours, sometimes it could be a day, sometimes it could be a weekend, whatever they're going to be for you that even when you put like say if you have your phone out, if you have your phone out on the table while you're enjoying a meal together or while you're, you know, even if you're chilling, just watching Netflix or wherever, but you've decided you're both actively, mindfully watching the show together if you have that phone up beside you, even if it's turned down, that shows that you have some of your brain on that item that you have some of your brain that's willing

to be mindful with the with your phone, if it needs it. And that's one of the reasons why it really needs to be a way away. Because even if you're the person who's like, Oh, I've never really thought about that like they do have their phone out at the table. But I don't think it makes me feel like they're not in the moment, try having it not around some of the time. And you will see the difference, you will see the difference that it makes in both of your brains just to be like, oh, there's actually not this distraction, right, and like I said, is that you can even have that challenge of just taking one phone out with you, you can even have that challenge of being, hey, we don't really have any reason to think there'll be any emergencies. Let's, when we go for our 45 minute walk today, let's try taking no phones. Because I think to the idea that there's going to be emergencies, there's going to be people that need to get a hold of us, there's going to need to be this. Don't forget that 20 years ago, that just wasn't a possibility. And I know, all of us had an hour maybe like a little bit more than that. But now all of us have changed our brains to program, our brains that if there is an emergency, if there is a big thing going on that 100% We should be able to get a hold of people. But that is like just like a weird new thing to our own little human development and brains. So like I said, you can try to challenge yourself with that piece. The other piece that you can challenge yourself with, is to really think about besides that phone, and I just bring that up, because I think that's just the most common distraction that we're all having nowadays. And the hardest thing that we're all having, you know, when we want to disconnect that it's hard for everyone to do it now, because it's so interface so often, maybe 10 years ago, there was some of us that are five years ago, no, probably 10 that we were better at disconnecting. But maybe it's not that way anymore, right? Because now we're just so used to it. So so used to the other challenge you can give yourself is really thinking and you can reflect on your own things. You guys can reflect on each other things you can have a little brainstorm together about are there any other things that distract you, when you're trying to have a mega moment of love when you're trying to have this connection time with each other? For some people, it's, you know, some day to day worries, right? Some people if you're especially if you've if you're just getting used to getting a babysitter, that can be a distraction, like you're worried about will the kids be okay, will they get along? Well, they whatever. Sometimes it can be a distraction of things going on at work, sometimes it can be distraction of whatever. So brainstorm some of those and see, you know, obviously don't, you know, it's hard to be like we're gonna cut out every single distraction starting today? No, that's gonna seem really hard. But like, you know, think of your top one or two. And what can you tweak for that next mega moment, a lab, if it's bringing one cell phone down, and, you know, doing some positives, talk about how the kids are gonna be fine with the babysitters when you're on your way out. Perfect, great. If that's the two things you could tweak, even just tweak one, see how it goes. But that other thing that works dress idea or things going on and work the most, one of the things I thought about the other day was how interesting is it? That and this is a conversation that actually me in the llama life we have often together when we're on the phone throughout the day is that it's so interesting to think how we spend our the best hours of our day at work, right? Those are usually for most of us, the most functional hours of our brain were like a way where we can get into the flow of things. You know, we've had enough coffees or we've, you know, kind of got our brain into the day, whatever it is, or ideas are flowing, where you know, we're integrative. Okay, so those hours all go to our workday. And then we often come home, and we don't have as much energy or we've now we're in our afternoon brain fog, or now we're in whatever. So it's really interesting that we spend some of this best time of our life. And I looked at the stats, you know, most of the stats say like, we spend a third of our life at work. So that means we spend a third of our life, giving our best our who's to our job, which is fine. That's what makes the world go round. We all need money, we all need to be employed, bla bla, bla bla, but thinking in terms of making our connection time valuable with each other and meaningful with each other, as there's a few things to think of with that conversation piece is, you know, ever spendings veribest time at work that we're going to be one mindful of when we plan our mega moments of night. I know for me that I'm usually pretty perky on like, say, say if we were going to do a dinner thing or a conversation, heavy activity, right? Like we're just chilling out, having a drink with each other, or we're going to be playing an intense game or we're going to be doing something where I need to have some brain power that I'm going to be mindful to suggest a night that I haven't where I haven't been doing all the talking at work because sometimes I run out of words, which which can seem not true as when you listen to There's but if I've been doing lots of meetings or lots of, you know, therapy sessions during the day, then I and I've had to do a little bit more of the teaching piece rather than the listening piece, which is totally cool. But sometimes I can run out of words. And so then if we're like out to dinner, I'm like a, you talk. I, I feel like just listening right now. So that's something I know, such we know that we have to be mindful of when we think of when we're going to do things. So that's one of the things, the other thing that you want to think about is how we can often you know, some of the things is that we can have some unresolved stress, or some some big things going on at work, or even some small things going on at work. And many of us can get caught up in kind of the habit of sharing about, you know, these stresses, or our work things or whatnot, with our co workers, right, or having work wives or work husbands or things like that, because we are spending so much time in that place in that environment with these people. And then what happens is that we come home, and you know, our partner goes like, oh, how was your day and we go, it's fine. Google, like, what's, what's new at work, and we go, oh, nothing's new. But, but when we say those things, probably things are new. Right, there's probably some new things we just maybe have already shared or vented about them, or have, or, you know, it feels easier to talk to someone about who I have knows the situation, we already have to explain the other half. But this is the person that you are spending your love and your you know, life with, and you're not willing to explain to them the whole backstory, or something that happened at work. Like that could be an energy piece that's going on, that could be something else that we maybe need to unpack or think about, because why wouldn't you write? Why wouldn't you want this most important person in your life, to know all of the things that are happening to you, right to know, all the things that happened to you that takes up most of your day, you should want to, and we should also as the other partner, be curious and want to listen, then think about what happens. I know some of us has jobs where we can't really explain everything that happens. But you know, for those of us who can, then, you know, that should be an important thing that we are sharing with each other. And when we kind of give those short answers, or we kind of make it seem like our day where we've just been for eight hours is not very important. Like we can't even come up with a thing like, you know, oh, this tiny thing happened at work. You know, social skills wise, you know, what we would teach kids is that that actually puts up roadblocks, right? So if we ask someone, Hey, how was your day today, and they go fine, that that actually gives the air that you don't or like a social clue, a hidden rule that you actually don't want to really talk to that person or talk about your day. And so, you know, we should be thinking about that when we give our nothing's, or it's fine, or whatever, that we might be giving out some of those signals without really knowing it, and that that person, our partner, but be receiving those signals in that way of like, oh, this person doesn't want to talk to me, even if they're not clearly registering that at the time, but they could be building up kind of this idea, like this person doesn't like talking to me, this person doesn't want to share about their day that person doesn't want to share about their life. Because again, a third of a third of our, our life is spent at work. So that's a big part of our life, right? And they might not even be knowing that they're building up. Some not so good thoughts, I don't want to go quite into resentment, because it probably won't turn quite into resentment, but building up some of those not good thoughts about kind of the roadblocks in conversation. So think about, think about that when you're giving your short answers. And sometimes you might just need a minute, right? And that's why it's nice to go out for these bigger connection times or have these bigger connection times. Because then you have time to open up and be like, Oh, hey, you know, actually, before I can be clear and be in the moment, I just need to tell you about, like, what's going on at work. And you know what, but actually, you may think that like I don't, I'm not ready to be in the moment. I need to clear this out. By taking time to clear that out and chat about it with your partner and by your partner taking that moment to listen to you and give you space to clear that those unresolved thoughts are swirling around in your head. You're actually already being in the moment.

What oh my gosh, right. You're already having his time when you're in the moment with each other. How fantastic is that? So by trusting to get into the moment by think Hey, I just need to get this off my chest did this out of my brain. Because sometimes it's just that like sometimes if you're a person who has swirly thoughts or like lots of inner monologue, maybe you just write the lots of neuro spacey people that I work with have that. And I know, sometimes I catch a love of my life, where he's just having like an inside conversation that I go, What? What are you talking about right now with that person. And it really like it jumpstart the conversation, it jumpstarts us time, time to have our as jumpstarts as to have a space to be in the moment with each other, which is just great. It's great when it's like twofold, like I need this to be in the moment with you. But actually, by us doing this together, we're already in the moment. I love it. So and the other piece to think about is shouldn't the love of your life be just as knowledgeable or know just as much about what's going on at work are what's going on in your life as your best friends and your co workers and the other people in your life too. I think so. I mean, and again, that's this is a space where you get to color in the detail, I said just as much as your co workers or your best friend, I kind of feel like I like you know, me and my significant other to know the most about each other. I'm sure there's people who know just as much as me. But I feel like I kind of feel like that's one of the places where we have connection, because we have time to connect so much that I would know many, many things about what they're thinking and feeling about where life is going for them. Right? It is not knowing for like a reason of controller power, it's knowing because that's like the other being who I'm with, right. And I would love them to know me just as much as that. So there's no reason why we can't talk about these things during a mega moment of love, why, you know why we can't share with each other what is actually going on in our work lives in our day to day, because that's a big chunk of life. And this time together is not about being artificial, right? It's not, you know, it's important for us to call. And that's why actually, it's important for us to color in our details about what we put our energy into as a couple, right, like, that's my big thing with you guys, we want to I want you to color in your own details. But at the same time, you know, I don't want you to be artificial, I don't want you to be like, Oh, we're on omega moment, we're having a mega of love. So these topics, you know, are off the plate, because we're just here to just be happy and positive and super cheery and everything like that. Now, if that's a boundary or a kind of, you know, a rule or, you know, your little guidelines for how you do your Mega moment of love, for whatever reason, then cool. It's because that's part of your guidelines go for it. My thought would be that there needs to be some good reasons for those guidelines. Because I think as you grow as a couple and as a collaborative team together, right, you're gonna have some times when your conversations Junior connection times are going to be a little heavier. And then you're gonna have some times where your conversations during your connection times are a little more relaxed and a little lighter. And that's fine. Right? Because life is not 100% Just, you know, even keel all the time. Right? There's things that go on, there's things that happen. And that's fine to bring those things in to your Mega moments of love. As long as there's that kind fullness, peace, that kind fullness, peace is that the key? That's going to be our basis foundation for our mega moment of love, using our kind fulness with each other, because when we use our mindfulness with each other, that's what allows us to open up that moment. That's what allows us to make space for each other to be vulnerable. That's what allows us really, to feel sparked