Planting Relationship Seeds | LQ046

Welcome to our love space. Today. I am so excited to have you here and still, although today is a bit of a rainy day, it feels kind of like the April showers are already here to bring us some May flowers. But it's only March if you are listening to this as this episode drops, if you are not, welcome people from the future. I hope you enjoy this episode today, because we're going to be thinking about last episode. We thought about decluttering, right kind of spring cleaning for our relationship, and we're still kind of on that path. But today, we're thinking about planting the seeds this spring, or getting ready to plant the seeds that we want to see flourish. Okay? So we're kind of still going with this theme, but we're really thinking about planting our relationship seeds today. Now, if you think about a seed, a seed is really a plan, okay, if we think about our little vegetable seed we're going to put in the garden, I like to grow snappy when I am prioritizing that which I haven't for. Maybe here too, maybe I'll prioritize it, you know, after this episode, maybe I'll plant some pod, see some bean pods, because I now have the seeds. But, you know, a seed is really a plan, and then we take that seed and we put that plan into motion by deciding to plant it and doing the planting right. So

we've put our plan into motion. We're committing to nurturing that plan by fertilizing it and watering it right. And then we're actually looking forward also to the results of the plan right. So we're looking forward to having our snap peas, or, you know, our strawberries or whatever, grow, and that we get to see it, and sometimes with that kind of plan, that we're not even so into, maybe the end result. End result of, here's my snap piece, or here's my strawberries, we can sometimes just be to the result of like, wow. Look at what I was able to accomplish and do by putting this seed in the ground, right, by putting this plan into motion and by giving it some time, by giving it some nourishment, right? I was able to do this thing, I was able to accomplish this thing. And that's kind of what we want with our relationships, too. Is like lots of times, you know, when we get to wonderful parts of our relationship, sometimes we forget about the journey and the ups and downs that we had to go through to get there, or about the intentionality we had to put in to actually committing to tweak and fix some things in order to get to this wonderful spot. And that's kind of the actions and the seeds that I'm talking about here are just these little things that we can think about, being intentional about, so that we are kind of working on tiny things that lean us towards the love space and the relationship that we want, right, rather than our actions and our behaviors and our choices leaning us away, right? So same thing when I plant my seed, I can be sitting on my back deck and, you know, having my glass of wine and relaxing, and then I can remember, Hey, I didn't water my bean plant today. And now I can either sit there and think like, Ah, I missed it today, or, well, we'll try again tomorrow. Or I can go, do you know what? I might as well get off my butt and give it a little bit of water. Now it will really only take a moment of my time, and then I will not have missed this opportunity. That's what we're really kind of cashing in on on this idea of things that can move me away, or things that can move me away, or things that can move me toward my relationship, is that we're really thinking of these small opportunities that come up. So why is it important for us to be intentional, besides the fact that we are wanting to get towards this wonderful love space, right? That you want to be there. You want to be in that place where you are enjoying your relationship and your life and diving right into it, right? So there is a study that was published in the Journal of consulting and clinical psychology, and they followed around three groups of newlyweds, and one for three years, and one of the groups got four sessions of what they called like relationship and marriage training and skill building. So that means that there was not only educational parts to the training that these couples got, but there was also things like role play or debriefing with someone after they tried out one of the methods and seeing what worked and didn't work, that sort of thing. So more like a coaching model that they received, and then the next group, group two, they got one hour of what was called relationship awareness and. So that didn't involve any of the skills building part, right? So they kind of got, like, an hour of education and then, or one session of education, and then were sent off on their way. And then group three was the control group, and they got no education, no skills training, nothing, just like, hey, go off in the world like any couple would, or like most couples do. And of course, the group that didn't have any training, didn't get any education, they had a way higher rate of dissolving their relationships, of dissolution than the other two groups. So their rate was about 24% whereas the other two groups combined was about 11% so we all know that sometimes, you know, you pick the wrong partner, some things come up, but that's a big difference, considering that even one of the group just had, like, an hour, or not an hour, sorry, one session of this relationship awareness. And so I think this study really goes to show us, and they talk about it in the discussion, that really, any time to pause and be intentional with your relationship is going to be beneficial, right? So even listening to this podcast right now, right? Or whatever relationship you know materials that you're looking at, even stopping and pausing and thinking about that and how it relates to your own relationship, is going to be one of those steps that leans you towards the love space that you want, rather than leaning you away from it. But I know sometimes it can get complicated, and that's why we're big picture thinkers here, because sometimes it can get a little confusing. But if we think about planting the seeds that we want now, right, even a little bit before spring, before first day of spring, we're thinking about implanting these little seeds for our relationship and being intentional then that we're going to experience growth. We're going to experience more love. We're going to experience more positive moments in our relationship. And that is so important, right? We want more positive moments and instances in our relationship, because those are really the things that boost our relationship up or hold us together in tough times, right is having more of a five to one ratio as we know of the Gottman Institute, for every prickly situation or prickly instance interaction that we have, we need to have a five positive or okay interactions to bring us back up to an okay mood with each other, and now I would love for that to be even more for you all, because you really need to have some buffers in there. If we're getting the minimum five to one, it's going to be okay. But what if we're getting 10 to one in a day? What if we're getting 20 to one in a day? Because there will be some days in life right where it's going to be closer to, like, three to one, right? When we're going through those rough, bumpy patches, or things are going on in life that maybe we can't control, right? We can control the controllables, but there are some things in life that we don't get as much control. In being intentional with our relationship is one of the things that we get to control. So that is fantastic to know, and it's fantastic for us to get to plant our little seeds. So I know you all listened last episode when we were thinking about decluttering our relationship or identifying the things that we need to declutter, let go of, think about how to tweak or change, right? And so some of these seeds that you'll be thinking about will be those right if you came up with something about decluttering, and, for example, if you had the repetitive arguments, right? If that was one of the things you identified, like, ah, we are always or arguing about the same thing, then maybe the thing that will be the little seeds you want to plant is to try out a problem solving strategy, right? For, you know, the next little bit, right? And you can some people need a deadline, because some people are like, Oh, if we try this, like once and it doesn't work, then I want to change it, right? So I would say once it's not enough. Usually we have to try things three to seven times before we can really decide if they're a fit or not a fit. Because some of that is just practice doing it. And that's what I love to coach and help people on is, you know, when I get to work with a couple and they take a problem solving strategy, they can take it, they can try it out three or four times, and then they can come back to me, right, and be like, Hey, this is what we're running into, or this is what doesn't feel natural about it, or this is what we tried it, and it sort of worked, and then this is what we happened next, and We got into the same fight. Those are things we can all untangle and change and tweak, right when we get to work together, which is fantastic, but you might decide so you might give yourself a deadline for how long you want to try a problem solving strategy before you're going to try tweaking it or changing it again, right and looking for a different idea or thinking about what didn't work, because we do need a couple tries to figure out what didn't work. Like, maybe that time it just felt really uncomfortable and weird to do, and so that's why it didn't work. Maybe another time we got a little like, we didn't pause for long enough, right? We didn't agree to disagree for. Moment and then come back for our problem solving. Maybe that was the thing that we missed out, right? So being able to identify those things and then come back to them and try them in a different way is very helpful. But if that's one of the seeds you want to plant, fantastic, when you're planting that seed, you know you want to pick your strategy, right? Because that's kind of your plan, and you're going to decide, maybe, if you want you, if you're a timeline person, you can decide how many times we're going to try or for how long this is the next month for problem solving like this. The next two months we're problem solving like this. I'm not sure. Maybe you're going to DM me and be like, hey, Crystal, what's some guidance on this? Right? All of these things are possible. Okay, so that might be one of the seeds you want to plant. Now, I'm just going to go through our cake model with some ideas for seeds that you can plant. So again, you would probably go off your decluttering list. But here's some extra bonus ideas, right? Maybe, if you're decluttering

list, things are you guys are really on top of things. Maybe you came up with one or two things to let go of our to declutter. But you need a few more ideas. So here we go. So here are a few seeds that we can think about. We're going to go through our kick model. So our communication, affection, kindfulness and energy. So here we go. So for our communication, like I just said, problem solving could be one of those. That's probably the biggest one that comes up right for most couples is because when we don't problem solve properly, we have more prickly instances, because there are things that are unresolved and they're going to come back up again, right? Or maybe we weren't feeling that we were so kindful in our problem solving, or that one person had to compromise way more than the other person, and so we're going to have maybe some leftover prickliness that is going to bleed out and overflow into other parts of our of our relationship. That will be the thing under the thing, if we don't have a good way to problem solve and then a good way to connect after. So maybe that could be one of your seeds too. Is like, how are we connecting after we're problem solving? Are we giving each other a hug? Are we picking an activity to do, even if we don't feel like chatting yet? Are we picking an activity to do like, hey, well, let's just like, sit together and snuggle right? So have that emote, that physical, emotional connection, and kind of, you know, chill out to watching a show together, maybe even something a bit funny to brighten our mood, so we can kind of move past these blah feelings and get to reconnecting and get to feeling like a team again. And if you're super great at problem solving, you will even feel like a team, as you are in the midst

of discussing and deciding, that's how fantastic it is, then another communication seat could be like, are we? Do we need to plan to see to have more connected chats and discussions and talks with each other? Have we just gotten into a pattern of, you know, brushing by each other, having a five minute dinner together, you know, making our own plans for breakfast, dinner, lunch, right? Is the only time we talk. Maybe when we go to a social event together, and now we're at a social event together, we're really just talking to a whole bunch of other people. Maybe we're in, you know, some conversations where we're both there. But you know, also, are we just chatting with other people and feel like we've connected, but we've actually just connected with a whole bunch of other people at a party? I'm not sure. So you can think about these communications. Maybe we're having communication, but with too many distractions, so we're only just half listening to each other because our phones are always out, or we're always answering a work text, or we're always answering an email. So maybe the seed we want to plant is how we're going to have less distracted conversations. Maybe the seed we want to plant is, are we going to have some dedicated no phone time at a certain point in the evening? I mean, I know, because I run this business, right? I run my own business, and my partner also runs his own business, that when you are self employed, you can work endlessly. You can you can answer endless work emails. You can answer endless work messages and texts and plan for the future and do all of your paperwork and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, right, the list goes on. So we, in our household, it's very important to have like a no phone time, just so I'm not thinking about jumping into work again, because it does cause burnout, and it does wear you out, despite the fact that you might think it is the best thing to do, or that everything is an emergency, it is probably not alright for our affection piece. Do we want to plant some affection seeds, like, what kind of touch are we missing? Do we never hold hands? And I know I always bring up holding hands, because I think it's such a great easy way to physically connect and to not have to put much effort in, right? Like I know all of us are looking, you know, for little ways to make life easier and but more connected, right, and more filled with love. And hey, if you go for a walk together. There, right? If you walk together, grocery store, gym down the street for a coffee, I don't know, you know, maybe just around the neighborhood, great for digestion, but great for, you know, your sleep patterns and walking is so great for so many things. And if you put hand holding in with it, it is great for your love connection with the love of your life. So right? What kind of little kinds of affection are we going to add in to plant a seed? Maybe the affection we're missing is the sexual affection, rather than the non sexual touching piece. Okay, so what do we need to do to zone in on that? What seed are we going to plant? Are we going to do something spicy, like, maybe we need to think outside the box. And, you know, go to an intimacy coach. Wow, maybe that's a choice you need to make. And then really, and, and you'll be like, whoa crystal. That's going to be so awkward. But don't forget that that's a two for one, because not only are we going to an intimacy person, which may help us figure out where, what steps we need to do to get back to being intimate and enjoying each other's, you know, sexual company in that way. But also, if we're feeling awkward about it, fantastic, because that gets you outside your comfort zone. Sometimes the hard work that we have to put into things and into our relationships is just feeling gross and uncomfortable for a certain period of time, and that is okay. It's okay to feel uncomfortable. It's okay to feel vulnerable, because you are going to a person who is a professional coach and or counselor, and they are used to dealing with people in these situations, so they are not feeling awkward or embarrassed or uncomfortable with you being there. This is their passion. They love to help people who are having difficulties with intimacy, and you may feel a little uncomfortable or whatnot, but you're going to professional who is going to walk you through this and who is going to get you to where you want to go. So even though you might feel awkward or blah. You know that that is your brain just worried about or having a new experience where it doesn't know what it's going to feel like or be like, right? That's putting our brain gets into our survivor side, our survival side, and it starts to feel awkward and uncomfortable and weird, because it's trying to protect us, but we can go in to our creative, problem solving side of our brain and say, Hey, brain, I'm going to a person that is trusted, right, that has a certification in this, that knows what they're doing. Okay? It? I may be feeling awkward, but that's just because this is a new, different experience, and I'm going to be being vulnerable or honest with my love of life, and that is going to make me feel maybe a little uncomfortable and scared, but it's the love of my life, and this is an action that is going to move us towards the love space that we want. So I can do this right, you can do this okay. And maybe that's not the road you want to go down. Maybe you just want to go, you know, do something, little ventures so crazy, like, I know, lots of cities, we get a big one here, and I actually think it just passed, because I think it's normally around Valentine's Day, but we have, you know, like a big sex show, like a sex Expo that comes through China, has workshops, it has all the toys. It has all of that, you know, everything you can think about books, whatever, what it lingerie, whatever you're thinking about, that could bring back some of that intimacy that you had at the beginning of your relationship, if it is a medical piece, right? If you're going through some hormone changes. And that could be either for guys women. You know, we all go through as we're moving through our different transitions in life and aging, we all go through these things, right? And so maybe we need to go for a doctor's appointment together. Maybe we need or separate, I don't know. And, and, and get that addressed, right, and share that one with someone in that way, because that, again, is something that's going to move us towards the love space and the relationship we have, or the relationship that we want to have, right? Our kindfulness, again, you know, thinking about our ratio of five to one, that could just be the CG plant. Do we want just more instances as being kind to each other? Okay, how is that going to play out? What are some things this would be a great place for brainstorm is, what are some things you both think would be kind to have the other person do, right? What is something? What are some things maybe they already do that are kind that maybe you would like more of, right? Do you? Would you like them to make your coffee more often, because the mornings that they do it just feels so lovely. Would you like them to, you know, whatever your love languages are, maybe hone in us some of those things, because those could be really helpful guidance, right? Maybe it's like, Oh, I love it. You know, you haven't got me flowers in a while, and it does make me feel special when you get me random flowers, but it's been a little time since random flowers. I'd love to have some more random flowers or whatever, right? Which it's whatever is going to fill up your emotional cup. And again, it's both ways. So that's why doing a brainstorm together, to have that go to List of like, oh yeah, we're planting the seed to be more kindful with each other. So taking that moment to really be present and in the moment and think of the other person. Ah, oh, you know what I can see if they're like a cup of tea right now. Oh, you know what I can see if I can do this for them right now? Oh, you know what? I'm just going to sit down on the couch with them and ask them about their day. I'm not sure, but these are all little seeds that you can plant to boost that kindfulness piece and again, looking for those opportunities to be vulnerable with each other. So like I just talked about, right with going to the intimacy coach, or whatever other new experiences you want to have with each other, maybe that's the seed you want to plant. Is more vulnerable opportunities together, right? Those are great to plant because, again, they build up your trust, your connection. They also create memories, like when you do something outside your comfort zone, and then maybe it was awkward, maybe have a laugh about it afterwards, or maybe it was super helpful. Those are all things you're going to look back on and talk about and remember. And then the other piece is to be, is to make sure we're being present and polite with each other. Is that a seed you want to plant, right? Is that something you want to commit to this spring, when we're decluttering for our energy piece? So our last piece of cake? Are we celebrating together? Where are we getting our energy from, right? So we want to make sure that if we're if energy is a seed, we want to plant one seed. And this can go back to the declutter decluttering piece, is we might want to plant a seed of what kind of things can we cut back at, or can we cut off of our to do list? Or do we not need in our life? Right? Because sometimes we can keep taking on things and be like, Yes, I'll commit to that, I'll commit to that, I'll commit to that. And pretty soon we're like, just over, super committed, and we're not really enjoying all of these commitments. And no, I don't want you to cancel everything and stay at home like a mushroom in the dark. I think it's great to be out the community. I think it's great to volunteer and support all the things we want to do. But are there any things in there that are maybe a little bit too extra or that we don't maybe have to do as often, but can still be out in the world. Okay, so that's a piece. Is maybe we need to declutter some of the things that are taking up our energy. That could be a seed. But the other thing is, is that are we getting instances where we are getting to energize each other? So one of the things is celebrating our big wins and our small wins, right? Anytime you can have a little cheers, a little celebration, a little Hey, this went really well for me. Today, I want to share that with you again, that is building up connection in our relationship with each other, the big things and the small things, right? And two also, the more you celebrate the small things. Like, hey, let's think of one thing let everyone has to say. And I love to do this when my bonus kids are here at dinner. What's one thing that everyone that was good for everyone during the day? Today? Good, cool, interesting, something to share, rather than just like, oh, I don't know, whatever our day was the same day. It's our day is not the same day every day. I know it can feel like that sometimes, but it's not. And being able This is why people love gratitude journals, because gratitude journals really train your brain to be like, Hey, I have to come up with three or four things to be thankful for today. They can't always just be like, I'm thankful for my home and I'm thankful for my family and I thankful that I had food. We are all thankful for those things, but we can be more specific and more concrete with specific things that happen in our day, in our life, that we can be thankful for, have gratitude for, and we can share those with the love of our life, and they can share theirs back, and we can have a smile. And you know, some shared emotion over those and that, again, shared emotion, sharing smiles, sharing laughs, sharing eye contact to the event that makes you comfortable, because I know eye contact is not for everyone. Those are all things that really connect our souls together. The other place to find energy, besides celebrating those big and small wins every day and finding a moment to do that, is really having instances where you are having positive connection time and times that energize you. So if you are an extrovert, or if you're both extroverts, where can you go and be extroverted together? That's going to pump up your energy and give you a shared experience, right? So you're having the shared affect, you're connecting, you're spending that time together, but you're also maybe getting out in the world and getting the other people energy, right? That is so great for extroverts, and if you're in if you're both introverts, then what are you doing to both quietly recharge your batteries, maybe together, because, again, that's going to give you energy. And if you're able to recharge together, like, hey, let's just both crash on the couch and open up. Books, you know, and have a little snuggle while we read and do our own recharging. Maybe, you know, a spa day together, maybe a long walk, but not with too much talking, right? Just that silent hand holding, if we're being a bit of an introvert, if we're being if we are introverts, and then the walk and the hike, we can just kind of walk silently. We don't always have to check. And we can take in the nature, we can take in the birds and all of those wonderful things that are out there for us. So you want to think about those energy things, because those energy things, they're going to overflow into other spaces of your life, if you if you're building up your own emotional energy and your couple's energy and your relationship and your love, space that's going to give you time and love and space that's going to overflow out into your other social relationships and into your other areas of life. So these are just a few things, as few seeds that you can think to plant. So remember, when we're planting it, not only do we have a plan, so that's thinking of one of these things that we want to work on, but also that we are putting it into motion by deciding how we're going to do it, right? So if it's a more energy thing, like I was just talking about, and you're an extrovert like me and my partner are, maybe you're buying some concert tickets, or maybe you're figuring where there's a cool night market you can go to and walk around in the hustle and bustle of, you know people out there and shopping and, you know, having some snacks and things, I'm not sure, but that's going to be the putting the part in the motion is actually nailing down the opportunities that you're going to take and nurturing it is taking advantage of those opportunities, right? So if we come, if we're thinking about the communication piece, we come into an argument being like, Hey, I remembered we're supposed to pause right now. We agreed that we're going to pause it and agree to disagree for our 20 minutes. Okay, let's do that. That's taking advantage of that opportunity, that's nurturing it, and then coming back and being like, Hey, are we ready to talk about it? Nope, we need another 10 or 15 minutes. Okay, let's do that, right? Those are the pieces that are nurturing it is actually trying out the plan,

right? Actually watering it with some effort and some trial and error. And then that is when, after we've nurtured it, that is when we are going to see the results start to come in to place. That's when we're going to see the growth in our love space. That's when we're going to see the excitement in our connection come back. That's when we're going to start to feel sparked.