Parenting Your LGBTQ Teen With Heather Hester

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This week join me in welcoming Heather Hester

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founder of Chrysalis mama and the podcast. Just breathe

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parenting your LGBTQ teen. When Heather son came out as gay six

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years ago, she couldn't find reliable resources. So she went

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above and beyond, and she started collecting her own. Her

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commitment and passion has grown through the years, and she uses

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her voice to educate the LGBTQIA plus community and their

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families. Don't miss this episode. Heather has a lot of

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wisdom and valuable information to share. And please share this

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with your friends and family or anyone who could benefit from

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knowing how there's work. Let's go to the episode.

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Hey there, welcome to mystical sisterhood. This is your host,

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Maureen Spielman. I started the show to highlight the

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intuitives, healers and other courageous women that I've met

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along my journey and continue to meet. Through amazing

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interviews, I seek to ask insightful questions to uncover

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ways in which you the listener can apply the wisdom and

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knowledge to your own life. I believe that we're all in this

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together. So sharing healing and joy, and bringing community

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together is both my passion and purpose. If you'd like to learn

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more about the mystical sisterhood community I'm

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building, please visit www mystical sisterhood.com See you

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in the episode.

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Okay, welcome back to mystical sisterhood. This is Maureen. And

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I'm with Heather Hester today. And I did a little intro and

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Heather, but she's the founder of Chrysalis mama, and the

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podcast, just breathe parenting your LGBTQ teen. And we met

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only virtually so far, but through someone who thought that

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we would go well together. And and. And I think that you gave

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me my podcast editor. And so I've been following your work.

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And I really wanted to have you on today. Because I think you're

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just this example of a woman who saw a need in the world. And a

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need that you felt because of where you had found yourself in

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your life that perhaps could be filled with your voice and your

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experience. And then what I know of you is the resources that you

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began to pull together in order to support people. But I want to

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welcome you and say hi, first of all,

Heather Hester: 00:02:44

hi, thank you. That's so nice. It's such a

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nice, such a nice welcome. And it is always a funny thing to

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hear, to hear people say back to you what you do, because I think

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that we often think

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we get so kind of into what we're doing that we don't

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think of it in any way that's not not complimentary, but you

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know, it just thank you. That's very kind course. And I it is i

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i think that's been one of the most fun things about doing the

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podcast is that I'm doing this work in general as meeting

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people like you and and just being connected, where people

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will say, Okay, you need to meet so and so and then, you know,

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like, we met and we totally hit it off. And we actually both

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live in we live pretty close to each other, which is really

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funny. So someday we have to meet in person. Absolutely. But

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just doing work that's very parallel. And in certainly kind

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of weaves into

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you know, one another. And so thank you so much for

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having me. I'm really I'm honored that you asked. You're

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welcome. So when I think about the two things you've started

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chrysalis, Mama and just breathe. which one came first.

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And you want to tell a little bit about this the origin story

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of how they came to be. Oh my goodness, yes. Well, geez, I'll

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try to make it brief. I didn't never good at the brief part.

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But chrysalis mama did come first and

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chrysalis mama came out of

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a need that I saw need to be filled.

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When some my oldest child came out six years ago as gay, and he

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struggled and every possible way a kid could struggle. And

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really,

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there were times that were very, very frightening on the very

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beginning parts of our journey. He is my oldest of four kids.

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And so I had three younger kids at the time, who were all having

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their own experiences of what was going on and how much they

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could know and how much we could tell them and

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et cetera, et cetera. And, and we were in a very different

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place at that time. And the way that we parented and the way

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that we saw the world and the way, I mean, in every possible

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way you could think of, and so it was a lot of

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shifting. I mean, that was one of those moments in your life

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where I was definitely, you know, when he said, Mom, I'm

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gay. I was like, okay, like, that it is was not even a

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question of, oh, my, well, well, it was like, alright, well, we

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got to figure this out, we will figure this out. And, and that

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was kind of my like, we're gonna do this, I'm gonna figure this

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out. And

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it was very difficult to find resources. And it was very

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difficult to find people to talk to I mean, PFLAG has always been

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a wonderful resource, but my husband and I initially, were

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not the like, Let's go talk with a lot of other people we don't

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know. Right? We were very much like we, we just kind of circled

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the wagons, and we're like,

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we're dealing with this here, right. And so that was not

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really an option for us at the beginning. And so there were not

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these, you know, options, there was not information. And it was

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very difficult to know what information, of course, you

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could Google, but you don't know what's true, like what's real.

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And it was very frustrating. And he was, my son was just

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spiraling faster than we could keep up with. So it was just

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kind of a, you know, a perfect storm of stuff that was going

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on.

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So about a year, little over a year, maybe 18 months into our

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journey, we kind of had this like, place of calm, and he was

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stable, and things were good. And we had learned all of this.

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And I was like,

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no other parent should have to go through this. And I know

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there are 1000s of other parents out there that are feeling the

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same way, like, what do we do? And, you know, and we're in a

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fairly progressive area. So it's not like, we've needed to really

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be worried safety wise, a lot of people are not. And that is like

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an additional concern, right? And so where can people find

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information, when they really can't seek anything outside,

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they need to be able to do that with it. And

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so I just started, I created crystals, Mama, and that was my

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place to dump all of my great resources that I had found along

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the way. And I have always been a writer. And so I just started

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writing, I'd been kind of keeping journals of things and

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writing blogs, and it just kind of came this beautiful place to

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it was a creative outlet for me and put this information and

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people started responding to it. And I was like, Oh, this is

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good. This is actually people actually do need this. Like it's

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not inside my head.

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Yeah. And that is when I created the podcast, and kind of like

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you, you and I were talking about this earlier about how the

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idea of having a podcast of doing a podcast was I you know,

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it was a gift that wasn't something that I like,

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aspired to do or be because that could not be further from my

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natural introvert itself.

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My husband is the extrovert, not me. And so, but I was like,

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Well, this is a really good way to reach more people and to

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really let other people know that they are not alone. And

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that there is good information and that there are other people

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out there that they can connect with. And and that they are

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safe, and that they are okay, right where they are and that

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you also write all the things.

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And the podcast has been such an extraordinary gift. It's three

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and a half years old. I mean, which is weird for me to say

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that but I've been doing that for years. Right?

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And then you know, everything is just kind of grown

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from there. So yeah, it is a gift bi Yeah, I know that it is

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for your your audience and your listeners because

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I think when you were talking about the part

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of searching for information, is I think like to go to the

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internet to find out because what, uh, you know, you wanted

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factual things, but also the emotional part, right, and the

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parenting part and like, how do I best and I think for any child

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who might be spiraling, that's hard information to find good

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information. Yeah. And so there's that piece and then did

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did you find that to be true?

Heather Hester: 00:10:00

Oh, absolutely, absolutely. And I think it's

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very hot, kind of like we were talking about this earlier, too.

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It's like the WebMD thing, right? I mean, you can put

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something in like this, you know, whatever's going on with

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my child, right. And like the 12 most awful things that could

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possibly happen. That's what comes up first. Which that's not

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what you're looking for. You're looking for, and you're already

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in a state of like, you know, whether it's crisis or just like

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your wound so tight, that you're, you're stressed out,

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you're overwhelmed. You're terrified. Whatever it is.

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So yeah, so that was another piece of it, that I wanted to be

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able to offer information in a way that people knew that it was

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vetted, that it was good that it was accurate. And that they

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could, you know, consume it in a safe place. Right? Yeah, I love

Heather Hester: 00:10:54

that. And

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that idea, the other part of what you were

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sharing is, I think so often, whatever our child is going

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through, it becomes even in the best of support systems, it's a

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very isolated journey. Because it's just, it's your own

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journey. So it's like pull in the support where you can, and

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know that you're going to be dealing with a lot of your own

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thoughts, feelings, emotions, because even that name chrysalis

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mama, like when, when I think of that name, and then you can tell

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me why you chose it. But I think of a chrysalis is

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transformation. And that kind of close to one of the reasons you

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named your business that 100% Yeah, so you saw yourself

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transforming as you went along? Yeah, I did. I did. Because when

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I, when I chose that, I mean, we were about, like I said, I think

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about 18 months on, you know, kind of into the journey. And

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already at that point, so much transformation had occurred. And

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just like, you know, eyes being opened, and things we had

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learned and ways we had expanded, et cetera, et cetera.

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And,

Heather Hester: 00:12:05

and I had always said, the mana part comes from

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the fact that I might, my email had always been mama like

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Heather, Heather mama, that was my personal email. And so each

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time that I would like, this is like, TMI. But each time I would

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get pregnant with another child, I literally started as how their

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mama one and now I'm another mom of four. So people would know

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that I was pregnant again, because I would change my email.

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But I was like, Well, this is kind of perfect. Like, this is

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how everyone knows, like, Oh, my personal friends know me this

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way. And so it just seemed to make sense that I named my

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business that yes, but the chrysalis thing I've always

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loved. There's a lot of symbolism to Chrysalis in the

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transformation. And I have always loved butterflies. That

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has been a personal love of mine. Since I was a little girl,

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and, and have a lot of belief and the symbolism of

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butterflies, which we could talk so much about, I'm sure.

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And then I had thyroid cancer a few years ago, and the thyroid

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is actually the shape of a butterfly. Yes. Which is so

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interesting. That is so interesting. So it's just all

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kind of

Maureen Spielman: 00:13:19

the way it was meant to be. Yeah, well, thanks

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for sharing all that. And I'm sure that you've gotten the so

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comfortable with the vulnerability because it is a

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lot I think I had heard somewhere on your podcast that,

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you know, you may worry that I am sharing my son's story, but

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we, we have full permission to do right. So I'm sure that

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privacy issues are a big issue for people. So the fact that

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you're that's that bravery, that courage that you had to come

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forth, forth and say, and you had that, you know, union with

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Him, that was like, okay, mom, and I've another woman I had on

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the podcast, Harry Potter with her child, she also they were so

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fully like, yes, you can share my stories. And it was such a

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beautiful thing.

Maureen Spielman: 00:14:08

Well, what I know about your work, because not only just the

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the beauty of what you're bringing forth in order to

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support people, wherever they are, and wherever they are, on

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their journey, whether it's probably even pre coming out to

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coming out to every you know, all the stages afterwards. You

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know, just if you look around for the listener, if you

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recommend it to anyone you know, who is has a child who is coming

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out or has come out is

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that there are so many different episodes that are educational.

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And so that's the other part because I had there I thought

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like Oh, I could have you on and just to to also just educate on

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different aspects of it. But even in the beginning, I loved

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how well just how you named because now I can see your

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process a little bit right? That you that it's

Heather Hester: 00:15:00

started in as nascence, with just doing a few

Heather Hester: 00:15:03

things, gathering resources during this, but I can see from

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where you are now and how you've put structure almost around,

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like, what are my principles? I know you talk about the four

Heather Hester: 00:15:13

pillars of your work. And I don't know, if you want to name

Heather Hester: 00:15:17

those are kind of say the significance of them. Sure,

Heather Hester: 00:15:21

sure, yes. So the four pillars are to embrace, which is pretty

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self explanatory. But it's, you know, it's kind of double, it's

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embracing your child, of course, but it's embracing the process.

Heather Hester: 00:15:34

It's embracing the information, it's embracing, you know, the,

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whatever the situation, if you want to call it that, that

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you're in, right. And then the second is educate and education

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is so huge, I believe so fully, and the more that we understand

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and the more that we have good, accurate information, that that

Heather Hester: 00:15:57

takes away the fear that takes away the overwhelm that just

Heather Hester: 00:16:03

being educated then, of course, allows you to empower, be feel

Heather Hester: 00:16:09

empowered, and to empower your child. And then the last pillar

Heather Hester: 00:16:12

is love, which is really kind of an all encompassing, but I've

Heather Hester: 00:16:18

found over time, certainly this was for true for me, but so many

Heather Hester: 00:16:23

others that we don't really have a

Heather Hester: 00:16:26

full understanding of love what unconditional love is. And so

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really understanding what that means and how to give that and

Heather Hester: 00:16:38

show that. Yeah, it's beautiful. Yeah. Beautiful, four pillars.

Maureen Spielman: 00:16:45

I don't know, you know, when we think about

Maureen Spielman: 00:16:47

the education piece,

Maureen Spielman: 00:16:49

I know that you have two beautiful resources. And one I'm

Maureen Spielman: 00:16:54

just going to say is, here's my top 10 episodes, I thought that

Maureen Spielman: 00:16:58

was pretty cool. To be, you know, just to say like, Hey, if

Maureen Spielman: 00:17:02

you want to get a start in listening, here's the ones that

Maureen Spielman: 00:17:06

have been most popular. I really liked that you had that. And

Maureen Spielman: 00:17:09

that may have come through the beautiful resource you created.

Maureen Spielman: 00:17:14

Of tell me the name of it again. And because I did, you know, put

Maureen Spielman: 00:17:20

my name on the email to get the resource that you created. And

Maureen Spielman: 00:17:23

it was just so beautiful. Oh, thank you is the the language

Maureen Spielman: 00:17:28

one. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah. Sorry, the language of LGBTQ i A

Maureen Spielman: 00:17:33

plus. Okay. So yes. All the

Heather Hester: 00:17:38

of course, that's, again, another

Heather Hester: 00:17:39

conversation but our answers to questions. But yes, that

Heather Hester: 00:17:45

actually took me which I giggle took me like six months to put

Heather Hester: 00:17:48

that together.

Heather Hester: 00:17:51

Probably because I had like a million things going on. But it

Heather Hester: 00:17:53

was such an important thing for me to do. I felt so passionate

Heather Hester: 00:17:59

about that, because that is one of the biggest questions that

Heather Hester: 00:18:02

all people have not just people who have, you know, kids who are

Heather Hester: 00:18:06

out or maybe coming out.

Heather Hester: 00:18:10

But everyone, and that is the number one thing that my friends

Heather Hester: 00:18:13

asked me all the time, and I finally was like, Okay, I've got

Heather Hester: 00:18:15

to put this book together. And then I'm sending it to all of

Heather Hester: 00:18:18

you. Right?

Heather Hester: 00:18:20

And it's funny, because even the other day, a girlfriend of mine

Heather Hester: 00:18:24

had read it. And she was just like, I never knew now I totally

Heather Hester: 00:18:29

understand why, you know, this is, you know why her thing was?

Heather Hester: 00:18:33

Why you don't say a transgender?

Maureen Spielman: 00:18:40

You want to know that before? But yes, oh,

Maureen Spielman: 00:18:42

glass, you know? Yes. Yeah. So it's even further reaching than

Maureen Spielman: 00:18:47

you'd, but it's shows how essential so it's an e book.

Maureen Spielman: 00:18:50

It's and I, I personally can see how it took you six months to

Maureen Spielman: 00:18:53

put together because it's beautiful. But it's very

Maureen Spielman: 00:18:56

comprehensive with vocabulary. And one of the nicest things

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that it says you have a quote in the beginning of it. And it was

Maureen Spielman: 00:19:06

something along the lines of You don't need to be perfect. You

Maureen Spielman: 00:19:09

don't and

Maureen Spielman: 00:19:11

I can't remember the exact quote, but it was just like,

Maureen Spielman: 00:19:14

here, this is an educational resource so you can feel

Maureen Spielman: 00:19:18

empowered, knowing you're using the right language or you know,

Maureen Spielman: 00:19:23

saying things the right way, but also don't be afraid Don't be

Maureen Spielman: 00:19:27

you don't have to, because I think that that's what can

Maureen Spielman: 00:19:30

happen is that people will stop themselves from from educating

Maureen Spielman: 00:19:36

themselves for fear of saying the wrong thing. Right for fear

Maureen Spielman: 00:19:40

of not getting it. Right. Right. I really appreciated that you

Maureen Spielman: 00:19:44

that you just put that right out there. Absolutely. And I think

Maureen Spielman: 00:19:47

that is something that is very, very important because I know

Maureen Spielman: 00:19:50

you know, everyone has run into someone who or maybe not

Maureen Spielman: 00:19:53

everyone but many have run into someone who's who has gotten

Maureen Spielman: 00:19:57

upset because we used a word right

Heather Hester: 00:20:00

wrong, or we didn't, you know, something we

Heather Hester: 00:20:03

didn't quite understand something and asked a question.

Heather Hester: 00:20:06

And that that is going to happen. But most people, and the

Heather Hester: 00:20:13

LGBTQIA plus community are happy to explain, are happy when you,

Heather Hester: 00:20:20

you know, when you try, there's such a gift in that trying. And

Heather Hester: 00:20:24

they recognize that right? You know, my kids was like, Okay

Heather Hester: 00:20:28

mom, you know, where to go waited use the pronoun, right?

Heather Hester: 00:20:31

Or, you know, just all of those things, or,

Heather Hester: 00:20:35

you know, and I'm kind of constantly checking in with

Heather Hester: 00:20:37

them, like, this is how, what I understand this to me, and I

Heather Hester: 00:20:41

mean, they were a huge help me writing that because, you know,

Heather Hester: 00:20:44

as we all know, language is constantly shifting, shifting,

Heather Hester: 00:20:47

which I say that in there as well. But this is a really good,

Heather Hester: 00:20:52

basic, even with language shifting. This gives a ton of,

Heather Hester: 00:20:57

you know, things that are not going to change, it will just be

Heather Hester: 00:21:01

built upon. Yeah, yeah. It's a beautiful resource. And then,

Heather Hester: 00:21:05

you know, I want to ask you some things about processes, but I'm

Heather Hester: 00:21:09

also thinking, how much have you see this landscape change? Since

Heather Hester: 00:21:14

you started the work? You started X amount of years ago,

Heather Hester: 00:21:17

and there weren't resources? Are you seeing it change that, that

Heather Hester: 00:21:21

better resources are becoming available things that you even

Heather Hester: 00:21:24

turn to more often? Absolutely, I think I look at the books that

Heather Hester: 00:21:31

I kind of started with, and the websites now, some of those

Heather Hester: 00:21:36

websites are still my go twos, like the Trevor Project, I love,

Heather Hester: 00:21:41

love, love the Trevor Project.

Heather Hester: 00:21:44

And

Heather Hester: 00:21:46

just because they're so comprehensive, they have, you

Heather Hester: 00:21:49

know, resources, they have acute resources, they have great

Heather Hester: 00:21:52

spaces for kids to go.

Heather Hester: 00:21:55

And so I just, I love them.

Heather Hester: 00:21:59

But I have seen more pop up, right? So there's, there are

Heather Hester: 00:22:04

more independent, smaller websites that have popped up,

Heather Hester: 00:22:07

and, you know, more books on the market that just were not

Heather Hester: 00:22:11

available six years ago. So it's it is really, it's really so

Heather Hester: 00:22:17

good, especially when you do look around and you see what is

Heather Hester: 00:22:22

going on that I'm so grateful that this information is

Heather Hester: 00:22:27

available, and that it just helps people stay strong. And to

Heather Hester: 00:22:34

hang in there, right.

Maureen Spielman: 00:22:37

Yeah, yeah, it's such a gift to the world.

Maureen Spielman: 00:22:40

Yeah, I was thinking about even, you know, going back to any

Maureen Spielman: 00:22:44

parents that might be listening out there, or, you know, loved

Maureen Spielman: 00:22:48

ones that, you know, you talk about in the beginning how it is

Maureen Spielman: 00:22:52

a process and how it first I don't know what you kind of

Maureen Spielman: 00:22:56

looked at first, if you looked at the process of what the

Maureen Spielman: 00:22:58

parent goes through

Maureen Spielman: 00:23:00

with their child, or if you first looked at what a child

Maureen Spielman: 00:23:03

goes through, but I loved how you have both processes to kind

Maureen Spielman: 00:23:07

of, I don't know if you'd say normalize, but just to kind of

Maureen Spielman: 00:23:11

give a roadmap of almost like a what to expect, right? And it

Maureen Spielman: 00:23:15

kind of is what to expect when your child is gay. That's right.

Heather Hester: 00:23:21

Your child comes out? Yes, it is. So I first did

Heather Hester: 00:23:25

the,

Heather Hester: 00:23:27

the pride the coming out process for your child, because that's

Heather Hester: 00:23:31

kind of that I remember actually the person who shared that with

Heather Hester: 00:23:35

me, and I was like, wow, I mean, it was a game changer.

Heather Hester: 00:23:41

Just because like you said, that's what it is. It's a

Heather Hester: 00:23:43

roadmap and it's not linear. It's every person is so

Heather Hester: 00:23:48

different, but it does give a lot of context and understanding

Heather Hester: 00:23:53

to like, oh, okay, this is what they're going through,

Heather Hester: 00:23:57

especially if it is a you know, your child is a teenager who in

Heather Hester: 00:24:03

typical development is not going to share with you all of the

Heather Hester: 00:24:08

inner workings, right? So it is it is so helpful.

Heather Hester: 00:24:12

And knowing those things and then the coming out process for

Heather Hester: 00:24:17

parents is something I kind of pieced together but I'm like, we

Heather Hester: 00:24:20

all we have our own coming out process like everyone, right of

Heather Hester: 00:24:24

just how how we process it, how we learn how we everything. So I

Heather Hester: 00:24:29

think that is you know, to, to your work to what you do. This

Heather Hester: 00:24:33

is part of the whole how do we connect with our kids, right?

Heather Hester: 00:24:38

How do we become more conscious? Parents? Well, it's doing our

Heather Hester: 00:24:42

own work, and doing our own work on our own time. Not on there.

Heather Hester: 00:24:48

It's like that's something that's really important to me,

Heather Hester: 00:24:53

is that your stuff your process is not your child's

Maureen Spielman: 00:25:00

So, yeah. And so as a parent, going through

Maureen Spielman: 00:25:05

guiding your child,

Maureen Spielman: 00:25:08

what is the best thing parents can do for themselves in your

Maureen Spielman: 00:25:11

experience,

Heather Hester: 00:25:13

taking that time to do the work to and to learn.

Heather Hester: 00:25:19

Whether and it's everybody learns differently, everybody is

Heather Hester: 00:25:24

kind of whether you like podcasts, or books or websites,

Heather Hester: 00:25:29

or whatever it is, there is now something out there for you

Heather Hester: 00:25:33

something, it might be just a little bit, but there's enough

Heather Hester: 00:25:36

that is accurate and helpful to the point where you will feel

Heather Hester: 00:25:41

supported. And I think that's such a big thing is finding what

Heather Hester: 00:25:47

helps support you because then you are better able to support

Heather Hester: 00:25:52

your child and give them their space to have their process

Heather Hester: 00:25:56

because

Maureen Spielman: 00:25:58

their process is very different than ours. And

Maureen Spielman: 00:26:02

by the time that they let us in and share with us, they've been

Maureen Spielman: 00:26:07

in their process for a while already. Yeah. So yeah, so

Maureen Spielman: 00:26:12

honoring of yourself, and then their space, too. Yeah, I think

Maureen Spielman: 00:26:15

that I see a theme in your podcast as well. And I know you

Maureen Spielman: 00:26:19

said about your, your son is that just like deep respect for

Maureen Spielman: 00:26:25

just this whole field of mental health and, and, you know, just

Maureen Spielman: 00:26:29

opening that up. And really, because that we're we are in a

Maureen Spielman: 00:26:32

time, where we just know the importance of it. So I remember

Maureen Spielman: 00:26:37

you saying that, especially since you just named it as well.

Maureen Spielman: 00:26:41

But the teenage years, the frontal lobe is still

Maureen Spielman: 00:26:43

developing, there's the risk taking behaviors, they're going

Maureen Spielman: 00:26:47

to be quiet, or they might not share everything with us. But

Unknown: 00:26:52

you know, getting your child the support they need. And

Unknown: 00:26:56

in sometimes can you say even from your experience, or, you

Unknown: 00:27:01

know, people you've known is sometimes the child even recipt

Unknown: 00:27:05

young person resistant to getting that outside help? And

Unknown: 00:27:08

oh, you know, is that like a practice of patience and

Unknown: 00:27:12

perseverance as well? It absolutely is. Because there's

Unknown: 00:27:16

still enough of a stigma out there where kids are like, Well,

Unknown: 00:27:21

what's wrong with me? Right? I'm embarrassed. What if my friends

Unknown: 00:27:24

find out? Am I broken? That's such a big thing. Oh, I'm doing

Unknown: 00:27:29

this because I need to be fixed. No, you know, that's like, the

Unknown: 00:27:32

biggest thing? No, not at all. You know, it's, it's such a so

Unknown: 00:27:36

the reframing of that is that whatever that professional help

Unknown: 00:27:41

is that you seek it's, it's a tool, right? It's a support

Unknown: 00:27:45

system, and it's to, really to

Heather Hester: 00:27:49

help on the journey, it's not to fix or be a

Heather Hester: 00:27:53

band aid or right, learning those tools. So yes, it was

Heather Hester: 00:27:59

extremely difficult at the beginning. And it's also

Heather Hester: 00:28:05

difficult to find the right fit. So I liken it to you know,

Heather Hester: 00:28:10

dating, it's, it's, it's hard, it's really, really hard. And I,

Heather Hester: 00:28:19

that is the one place where I have stepped in

Heather Hester: 00:28:23

most definitely with Connor and with my girls as well.

Heather Hester: 00:28:29

And, and really kind of helps them through the process and,

Heather Hester: 00:28:35

and really said, Okay, this is, you know, what do you need? What

Heather Hester: 00:28:38

are you looking for? Okay? This is how we're going to find it.

Heather Hester: 00:28:42

And we're going to find any Connors therapists who he sees

Heather Hester: 00:28:45

still who he's seen since he, you know, went to school almost

Heather Hester: 00:28:50

four years ago now. So his whole college career has been seen the

Heather Hester: 00:28:54

same guy.

Heather Hester: 00:28:55

Only because I literally like was such a pain to this guy.

Heather Hester: 00:29:00

Like I called him. I emailed him. I begged him. I was like

Heather Hester: 00:29:04

you I don't? You've got to make room for my son. Yeah. So

Heather Hester: 00:29:08

perfect for him. He needs to be seen by you. Oh, beautiful.

Heather Hester: 00:29:14

Yeah. And you just had to get in there and be the mama the I get

Heather Hester: 00:29:18

those. Sometimes you have to do that. Yeah, it's really

Heather Hester: 00:29:22

important. And your kids will they will come around,

Heather Hester: 00:29:26

especially once they do have a positive experience, I think is

Heather Hester: 00:29:29

the biggest thing once they're like, oh, this actually is super

Heather Hester: 00:29:33

helpful. Yeah. Yeah.

Maureen Spielman: 00:29:37

And you've named a couple things, I think.

Maureen Spielman: 00:29:39

But I love that episode titled, hey, parents, this is what your

Maureen Spielman: 00:29:43

teen wants you to know. I think that's really important to kind

Maureen Spielman: 00:29:47

of, I don't know if you couldn't remember the things that they

Maureen Spielman: 00:29:49

want you to know. But I would think like one of them is give

Maureen Spielman: 00:29:53

me space. I need space.

Maureen Spielman: 00:29:56

What else have you found beneficial? Oh my goodness.

Heather Hester: 00:30:00

That was so that was an episode. That was the

Heather Hester: 00:30:02

first episode I did with Connor, I think, oh, yeah, if memory if

Heather Hester: 00:30:06

memory serves, I have not listened to it for a while.

Heather Hester: 00:30:10

But that I've done, I think, at least four or five episodes with

Heather Hester: 00:30:14

Connor over time. But that was a fun one, because I think it was

Heather Hester: 00:30:19

kind of the initial like, I need space. I need you to understand

Heather Hester: 00:30:24

that when I come out to you. I am sure.

Heather Hester: 00:30:29

It is something I've been thinking about for a long time.

Heather Hester: 00:30:32

I am sure. Right? It was kind of the, you know, here are the ways

Heather Hester: 00:30:37

to ask questions, right? In a way that is either respectful or

Heather Hester: 00:30:48

respecting brat boundaries. That's a big I mean, that was

Heather Hester: 00:30:52

another big one that we all had to learn. Was that boundary,

Heather Hester: 00:30:56

learning how to do that. So yeah, it is it is a fun episode.

Heather Hester: 00:31:00

It is in my top 10. People do love that episode. So if you're

Heather Hester: 00:31:04

curious as to what a teenager would like their parents, that

Heather Hester: 00:31:08

is a good one to listen to. Yes, I apologize. I don't remember

Heather Hester: 00:31:12

all the things off the top of my head that

Maureen Spielman: 00:31:15

honor speaking. So yeah. And I think

Maureen Spielman: 00:31:18

that that's a great one to even go to. Because hearing it from

Maureen Spielman: 00:31:22

like, out of the mouths of babes is always you know where that

Maureen Spielman: 00:31:25

wisdom is going to be coming from? There are straight, they

Maureen Spielman: 00:31:29

do not mince words, no, Major. I'm sure you felt this way. But

Maureen Spielman: 00:31:34

in the conscious parenting world, it's this the the premise

Maureen Spielman: 00:31:38

that our children are our teachers. And woof, sometimes

Maureen Spielman: 00:31:41

they call us to task on the things that they're teaching us

Maureen Spielman: 00:31:44

and that aid. Okay. I think that's a message. That's good.

Maureen Spielman: 00:31:49

It is it is I think it's so important, because that is not

Maureen Spielman: 00:31:55

how most of us were wired, to parent or to think, right. We

Maureen Spielman: 00:32:01

were wired to think that we are here to teach our children

Maureen Spielman: 00:32:05

everything. And, you know,

Heather Hester: 00:32:08

we don't listen to what they say, essentially.

Heather Hester: 00:32:11

And I think you flip that right upside down with conscious

Heather Hester: 00:32:16

parenting. Because Holy cow, the wisdom. Oh, yeah.

Heather Hester: 00:32:22

Yes. And the humor? I mean, there's a lot of humor that

Heather Hester: 00:32:25

comes from it.

Maureen Spielman: 00:32:27

Absolutely.

Maureen Spielman: 00:32:30

Yeah. And I think that

Maureen Spielman: 00:32:33

I, oh, I love the quiet. One of the questions you had in there.

Maureen Spielman: 00:32:36

I think this is a an important one is how can we respond to

Maureen Spielman: 00:32:41

people who are not supportive? Or what you had named, and maybe

Maureen Spielman: 00:32:47

named more generally than non affirming people? So if there's

Maureen Spielman: 00:32:51

people in our lives that just, they don't handle, you know, the

Maureen Spielman: 00:32:56

relationships with respect and

Heather Hester: 00:32:59

these kinds of things? Like how, how do you

Heather Hester: 00:33:01

handle that? Or what do you say or? Yeah, right? Well, that is a

Heather Hester: 00:33:06

tricky one. And I have Yes, I have approached that a couple of

Heather Hester: 00:33:10

different times, because that's something that everyone deals

Heather Hester: 00:33:14

with and in some manner.

Heather Hester: 00:33:18

And there are depending on who you are

Heather Hester: 00:33:24

dealing with, I do always trying to find a different word, but

Heather Hester: 00:33:28

you know, for lack of other words, right now.

Heather Hester: 00:33:33

You have lots of tools, right? You so it's kind of reading the

Heather Hester: 00:33:36

situation like is it a moment where you can educate, right is

Heather Hester: 00:33:40

the person that is coming at you someone that you can gently

Heather Hester: 00:33:45

correct with a actually, this is a better way to say that, or we

Heather Hester: 00:33:51

do not believe this is a choice, we know for a fact, this is how

Heather Hester: 00:33:54

our child was born. And we asked you to respect that.

Heather Hester: 00:33:59

So you have to kind of read like, know your audience,

Heather Hester: 00:34:02

essentially, right?

Heather Hester: 00:34:04

If you are, if you know that whomever you are coming, you

Heather Hester: 00:34:10

know, that is non affirming. You always have the option to set

Heather Hester: 00:34:15

boundaries, right, this is just something that isn't discussed.

Heather Hester: 00:34:18

Or if it's, you know, really bad if the person you know, cannot

Heather Hester: 00:34:22

pull their tongue or curb their behavior, then it's someone that

Heather Hester: 00:34:26

you just don't see for a time. Right. So it is I mean, it is

Heather Hester: 00:34:31

hard. It's definitely hard decisions and hard, can be hard.

Heather Hester: 00:34:37

But it's also you know,

Heather Hester: 00:34:39

when you really think about it, you know, you think you're

Heather Hester: 00:34:42

protecting your child, right? So, and you're protecting

Heather Hester: 00:34:46

yourself, you're protecting your family, this is this is what

Heather Hester: 00:34:49

we're here to do. And none of that is okay. So, yeah, there

Heather Hester: 00:34:55

are options, but it's definitely a matter of knowing your

Heather Hester: 00:34:59

audience for sure.

Maureen Spielman: 00:35:00

or, yep. And then I would imagine coming back

Maureen Spielman: 00:35:03

as a family and communicating about it. And I find so much

Maureen Spielman: 00:35:08

just in the conscious parenting kind of paradigm. And

Heather Hester: 00:35:12

it's just always applies as I know, it's my work

Heather Hester: 00:35:16

is just refining the communication. In fact, and

Heather Hester: 00:35:19

when, when we don't say the right thing, or it doesn't, or

Heather Hester: 00:35:22

there are things to talk about to not be afraid of them, and to

Heather Hester: 00:35:26

lean into the discomfort of them, which is not always easy.

Heather Hester: 00:35:29

It's a process, especially if we grew up in households that

Heather Hester: 00:35:33

really didn't talk about things. And right, so it's a constant re

Heather Hester: 00:35:36

education for me. Well, it totally is. And I think some of

Heather Hester: 00:35:40

these things like you feel in your body, right, you feel it

Heather Hester: 00:35:44

and you but you haven't yet really articulated it. So when

Heather Hester: 00:35:49

you are able to come back after something like that happens, and

Heather Hester: 00:35:53

maybe you feel like you didn't handle it well, or you wish you

Heather Hester: 00:35:56

would have done something else. And you are able to have that

Heather Hester: 00:35:59

conversation, or maybe your child's feeling that way. Right?

Heather Hester: 00:36:03

And you can have that conversation where you can

Heather Hester: 00:36:04

really talk about it, and a much more calm relaxed, those those

Heather Hester: 00:36:10

emotions, then you're able to articulate maybe, right? So it's

Heather Hester: 00:36:14

such a great it is in so many ways such a gift to be able to

Heather Hester: 00:36:19

do that. And to just be messy. Yeah, just let it be messy.

Maureen Spielman: 00:36:24

We are inherently afraid of messiness.

Maureen Spielman: 00:36:27

And messy is good, actually. Yeah. Yeah. It's how we kind of

Maureen Spielman: 00:36:31

wade through things and get to the other side. Yeah, it's it's

Maureen Spielman: 00:36:35

true. I know a lot of people bring up the metaphor of the

Maureen Spielman: 00:36:38

lotus,

Maureen Spielman: 00:36:40

the lotus flower that grows in the mud. And so beautiful things

Maureen Spielman: 00:36:44

can be birthed out of the messy times. Yes. Yeah. For sure.

Maureen Spielman: 00:36:50

Yeah. I'm excited about, you know, the work for you to come.

Maureen Spielman: 00:36:54

What's on your horizons?

Heather Hester: 00:36:58

Oh, my goodness.

Heather Hester: 00:37:00

Well, I have written a book,

Heather Hester: 00:37:03

which will be published that until a year from June, so it's

Heather Hester: 00:37:07

a little ways out, we are in the I just sent it off to the

Heather Hester: 00:37:11

publisher. And it's in that stage right now. But that is a

Heather Hester: 00:37:14

very exciting thing.

Heather Hester: 00:37:17

On the on the far horizon, yeah, I have just started doing a lot

Heather Hester: 00:37:22

more speaking,

Heather Hester: 00:37:24

which has been,

Heather Hester: 00:37:27

again, like the podcast, such a lovely surprise that I actually.

Heather Hester: 00:37:34

So it is just,

Unknown: 00:37:37

I really love just the connecting and the sharing of

Unknown: 00:37:42

information with other people. So it's kind of an extension of

Unknown: 00:37:47

the podcast, but certainly something that is is needed and

Unknown: 00:37:52

people are wanting. So those are, those are my big things.

Unknown: 00:37:56

Yes, congratulations on the book, I was hoping that that was

Unknown: 00:37:59

going to be something that was either in the works or on the

Unknown: 00:38:02

horizon because of everything you've done. And

Heather Hester: 00:38:07

the speaking engagements are neat, because

Heather Hester: 00:38:10

through the podcast, through your writing, and then the

Heather Hester: 00:38:13

podcast, you've been able to hone your voice. And then like I

Heather Hester: 00:38:16

said, like when you got to the four pillars, and you got to the

Heather Hester: 00:38:18

processes, and you got you're like, wait a minute, I have

Heather Hester: 00:38:21

something here, and then all all of the life experience now can

Heather Hester: 00:38:25

serve the community. It's just kind of amazing how we are. I

Heather Hester: 00:38:30

mean, I truly feel like in a lot of ways, I'm just a vessel that

Heather Hester: 00:38:35

I'm not always a fully aware of what is being great, but I'm

Heather Hester: 00:38:40

just kind of like alright, yeah, that's me. And, and then as you

Heather Hester: 00:38:44

know, you've done such a beautiful job of really pointing

Heather Hester: 00:38:49

out all these things. And I'm like, Yeah, wow, I did do that.

Heather Hester: 00:38:52

But that really wasn't me. It was just, yeah, you're just kind

Heather Hester: 00:38:55

of the conduit. It feels like way. I mean, that's the way I

Heather Hester: 00:38:59

feel. And it's an it's work that is desperately needed. And I'm

Heather Hester: 00:39:03

happy to be that. Yes. And what kind of venues are you speaking

Heather Hester: 00:39:09

at? Before we've wrap up? Yeah, so I'm doing a little bit

Heather Hester: 00:39:14

combination of corporate. And so a lot of corporations have

Heather Hester: 00:39:19

employee resource groups. So doing talks for them and like

Heather Hester: 00:39:24

little lunch and learns and workshops, which is really fun.

Heather Hester: 00:39:27

And then

Heather Hester: 00:39:31

for school districts, so just you know, kind of like an

Heather Hester: 00:39:34

evening like our again, like an hour workshop talking about just

Heather Hester: 00:39:39

sharing information. And a lot of it is really fielding

Heather Hester: 00:39:42

questions. So yes, on to. I will I like highlighting that because

Heather Hester: 00:39:47

for anyone listening, we've got a lot of people in the Chicago

Heather Hester: 00:39:51

area, but yeah, where can our listeners find your work? Well,

Heather Hester: 00:39:57

my website is the best place to go. So the web

Heather Hester: 00:40:00

site is chrysalis. mama.com. And chrysalis is like the butterfly

Heather Hester: 00:40:05

chrysalis, but it's ch ry s a l i s, ma ma.com. And that is

Heather Hester: 00:40:12

really where you can find everything. I've tried to make

Heather Hester: 00:40:14

that a hub to find all that I do. So the podcast is actually

Heather Hester: 00:40:18

can be found through the website, as well as any

Heather Hester: 00:40:22

information on speaking. The e book that you mentioned earlier

Heather Hester: 00:40:26

is there and all of these good things, so many good things. And

Heather Hester: 00:40:31

so we'll put those all in the show notes. Yeah, to the

Heather Hester: 00:40:34

listeners, if you can, go to the website, tap into the podcast

Heather Hester: 00:40:39

for sure.

Maureen Spielman: 00:40:41

And get yourself the booklet because

Maureen Spielman: 00:40:44

it's all so resourceful, and just beautiful. And so I have to

Maureen Spielman: 00:40:49

thank you so much for being here with me and speaking to this

Maureen Spielman: 00:40:53

community to spread your message and to to allow people to know

Maureen Spielman: 00:40:58

that you are there as a resource and that you're all in

Heather Hester: 00:41:04

you. Thank you. Thank you so much. This was a

Heather Hester: 00:41:06

really, really fun chat. And I appreciate you having me. Yeah,

Heather Hester: 00:41:11

you're welcome. And thank you to our listeners, and we'll see you

Heather Hester: 00:41:15

next time.

Maureen Spielman: 00:41:21

Thanks for listening to this episode of

Maureen Spielman: 00:41:23

mystical sisterhood. If you love what you heard, please visit

Maureen Spielman: 00:41:27

Apple podcast and subscribe and leave a review and share with a

Maureen Spielman: 00:41:30

friend if you're called to do so. To learn more about my one

Maureen Spielman: 00:41:34

on one coaching programs, or join the mystical sisterhood

Maureen Spielman: 00:41:37

membership, visit Maureenspielman.com or

Maureen Spielman: 00:41:39

mysticalsisterhood.com Thanks so much. I'll see you in the next episode.