BETHAN THOMAS - Dementia Warrior

Hi, I'm Tammy Gross, the Scriptprenuer. Welcome to Reel Life Stories where difference makers come to share their Hollywood worthy transformation stories. I love interviewing people who faced a mountain, overcome it the hard way, and figured out a solution to help the rest of us conquer that same mountain. Because when we share our stories, we change lives.

All right, so we have a very special guest today, her name is Bethan Mary Thomas. And she goes by the moniker of simply warrior, and I think you'll know why she does that. After we get talking a little bit and you hear a little bit about her story I really wanted you to know about her story she is right now. She's kind of emerging in the world of of, of helping others with all the stuff that she's been doing and been learning. She's an ambassador for the trusted business association, and mental health and wellness. So she's she's already out in the world doing some pretty cool things. But she's becoming a public speaker on mental health. And she's dementia champion, which maybe that's her new moniker. She's like, she's a dementia warrior, how's it how's that feel like that. And she's, she's been transitioning from caring in the community for her late mother, who had cancer twice, and had short term dementia, which is something that we're going to be learning a little bit about. And now she's volunteering in, in mental health charity. So she has a lot to offer the world, she has a lot to offer us. And I just want to say welcome Bethan Mary.

Thank you so much, Tammy for doing this. I'm so excited to be here. And to share my story with people and for people to hear that there's hope. Karen is very mentally and physically challenging. And I think people don't really appreciate some sometimes how challenging it is. For me, I had many challenges. I did have a previous life, when I was teaching when my mom first had cancer. And then obviously, do it. I've worked for a big, large financial company, and had a manager who didn't quite get that my mum was starting to maybe have dementia that I didn't I didn't know that, that she but she was not well, and I started caring part time. And then as time went on, I became more of a full time carer, I gave up my job, my financial stability, and decided that I needed to be at home where I was needed. My mom wanted to be at home, and I cared for my mom. And then what happened is that my mom was having false. She was being sick and obviously went in and had a stoma. So I learned how to do stoners very quickly without any training. I jumped down that learning how to manual handling, pick her up, how to cope. And then slowly but surely, the last fall was on a Sunday when I'd been shopping. And I'd forgotten tea bags, which is like, oh my goodness me. You know, you only have to have tea bags. In the UK.

I think we can all tell by your accent that you are the UK you're actually you're you're in Wales, correct? That's

right. Yes. I'm in South Wales just

beautiful accent Yeah. Oh, I love that. Oh, I love that. And I know it's very picturesque out there and and for, for anybody who was wondering where your accent was from? Well, now we know where we're from. And I'll stop you there and your story because I actually want to kind of take you further back I want to I want to take you back to the beginning of your story with you know, before all that okay, so that you were working at corporate? Is that where you were? Because I can't remember the details and so I want you to tell them but Where Where were you at in your life when your mother's life suddenly became your thing again? You know, you grew up and then you left or I'm sorry, she was your mom, I have to remember to say it the way you do. She was your mom. And and so you are having your own life you're an adult and then all of a sudden it you know we all face that possibility and that probability really, which is why what you do is so important where the rules get reversed at some point. So where were you at exactly in your life when it came up that your that your mom was going to need you?

I I was working in a large financial company I was a PA for for sales teams while five sales my manager live in Yorkshire and I was running like for sales to You'd say we're on the road and booked hotels travel and everything. But I think my leadership came from my mom was a queen sky. And so was I, and I've been a young leader. So from an early age, I've been a leader, and I've been a speaker, back when I was in a union rep. So I had a lot of skills that I brought with me even to that points in that. And then I realized that I could use my skills else, you know, to do what I needed to do. And I thought, you know, I didn't question I never hesitated and given my the to sit in, at all, real, I knew that it was going to be hard. I didn't know how long for any carer who's going into looking after those things, all I knew is that I was going to be looking after my mom and I were very close. And we did things we shopped online, you know, long time before COVID and everything. So um, you know, I did a lot of things. I was a taxi driver. And in the beginning of my, the early stages, when I first joined the mental health charity, I did a talk a month after my, you know, my mom died in mid April. And then I joined the mental health charity. And a month later, I'm in a room with 60 people telling them what was wrong. What, how I got arrested. And yeah, tell us tell us very scary, because my mom had the fall. And when I got to the hospital, I told people that my mom was confused. She thought she was going to another hospital. And nobody listens, the ambulance. The doctors, the nurse was trying to give her food and I was telling her No, she can't eat. Because there are certain things people with dementia can't eat. And you can't just put a piece of food in front of them because they will react badly. And she was very upset. And obviously, I'd had a head injury from a member of my family who could not cope with hallucinations and cognitive behavior. And sadly, she was more worried about me that day. And she got really emotional and very upset in a in an accident and emergency at my local hospital. And no one took any notice. But I'd written a journal, thank God, I had written a journal of like her falls and like I knew how she had fallen

That is so important

why it's very important to do a journal of that. Because following that the police came, and I was taken and put in a cell for 24 hours with no medication for my headaches. Just my my socks were taken off me, my nieces and my trainers around. I was cold. I was very cold. And I was stuck in a cell all night.

And what were they saying? Were they were they were they saying that you had abused your mother that they were just making this this crazy leap that you had abused her because she had fallen she had gotten now was she in the hospital when they arrested you so that she at least was taken care of. At least she was not like left at home. So that's good. But yeah, it's horrible that this would happen. And I was amazing what was going on in your head? Wow.

I was just like, I was concerned. I was upset. I was very frightened. And yeah, I was really scared. You know, suddenly I was putting in a police car and take it and it's some seven, eight o'clock in the night down to a cell and said you can't see a man for three weeks. Because we're putting you under safeguard. And for three weeks, I was not able to phone her. I was not able to see her. And neither was any of the other family members. So obviously they reacted very badly at the time. I have a brother who lives abroad, but you know, he wasn't here at the time. He'd been home to see his mom. But yeah, it was very scary. And she was really upset because she couldn't understand why I couldn't even say goodbye to her. You know, suddenly I was there and suddenly I was gone. And then obviously when after three weeks and I was like proves I was in a certain you know, I was I had my letter from our local police. I was then told I can go and see her. But by then my mom had started to alter the and she was under safeguards and dolls, which is obviously safeguarding rules. And for 17 and a half weeks, I then went in every single day. Obviously it's different now because the COVID People need to learn and and see but at that point I was able to go in and see my men and fought every single day. I never missed a day I went in the mornings to do the doctors, you know, consultants, I got all doctors together out, went through the OT specialist to get the equipment at home care agencies, I interviewed care agencies myself, to make sure that I had the right specialists, obviously, the first ones that I had weren't as good as my last ones. But I couldn't manage to get, you know, that's a learning perspective. And one thing I can tell people is that if you have got somebody who's at home, who's got cognitive behavior, is choose an agency who specializes in that, which I chose a local one at the end. They were marvelous, because they became my night sitters at end of life, you know, when it became to that point, because it was very quickly as you said, so I, it was challenging, it was such a challenging time, because my mom was would not speak to me, I would go in the afternoons. And then when I went back in the night, she was fine. You know, she was like, she tried, I had the long necklace, like I've got it on today. And obviously, if people, you know, our brain works in different ways, and sometimes our brain when somebody's got cognitive behavior can do tricks. And they're not necessarily realizing you want a son or a daughter or a husband. Right? And yeah, they, they can react badly if you come too close to them. And she's tried to choke me, but and she threw a cup of tea over me, but I knew that it was the disease. That was not my men, because it wasn't, and I knew that I needed to get her out because she was losing weight. And, you know, I went without food to get other stuff she needed. I bought new clothes for her. And, you know, there's lots of things like that, you know, I was financially unstable by that, you know, I was going through that was trying to eat going back for the hospital, parking costs, you know, all effect. But nevertheless, I did it and I had no support at all. I went home came home, I did start to find the support there but all a little bit too late. There is more support out there now. Yes. But it's still an admiral nurses, for example, I had an abdominal nurse, which is well advertised on LinkedIn this week. And the last two weeks because of National Dementia week and I rate. But at that point, when my mom was home, and I was obviously dealing with end of life, I had one and then was told sorry, I can't have her anymore, because my father was a sea captain. And he hadn't been in troubled waters, and she was taken off me and off. That is when I really needed him most I can tell you, you really need somebody at that point. Because you're going through, you've gone through grieving for the living. Right, you're already grieving for the person that you lost. I went through crisis, I had 40 days and 40 nights without sleep. Sleep is most important. And one of the things that I have done, since that I have lost my mom is I CO produced a sleep course with a kind of recovery. Yeah. So I can if people want to know more about that, then they absolutely, yeah. Well,

you learned a lot of lessons. It sounds like because I mean, you know, you went through what, what's what is somewhat typical for some people. But you went through a lot of extremes of like, you know, I've got a situation in my family, you know, I'm in my, I'm in my late 50s, I've got an aunt who my sister's mother, who she's going through all this. And so her daughter, my cousin is taking care of her and moved her to her. And she's in a state, you know, so now my aunt is in a state that she's never lived in, she's only visited a few times, because my cousin had moved to the other side of the country. So it she's going through all those things, which didn't have to quit her job she has, she has a situation where she was able to move her mother in thank God, because she would have had that situation just a few years ago. And a lot of people are at that point where you said that you didn't even hesitate to hand in your notice when when it became clear that she needed your full time care. But like you also said it puts you into financial straits and everything. So all these layers of things. There's there's the financial, there's the mental there's the emotional, this is your mother in then and then of course, you actually had the legal issue come up as well. And and you were dealing with a antagonistic system. It sounds like you know, I mean, I'm sure there's much more to that story and definitely don't want to get political about you know how different healthcare systems are and everything. But these are realities that a lot of us have to deal with wherever we are in the world. And so I think it's really important that you've not only gone through this, you've survived it. And, and you've seen your mother through all of those stages, and you've made it your life work now that you're working with cognitive behavior is something that that you are speaking about, you're letting people know. And so before we leave, I know that you have something you're putting together. And so we'll put it in the show notes how people can get ahold of it, and get ahold of you so that if they need to talk to you, they can also talk to you, but you have something that they can download that talks about cognitive behavior, and some of the pillars of what you learned and what they can and what people can expect. And, you know, it's something that I will definitely be giving to my cousin, she's, she's definitely going to want to download this, and she's gonna want to know, you know, she, she's, she's, she's doing a great job, she's awesome. But she's far away. And she's doing this pretty much alone. You know, she and her husband, who, obviously it's not his aunt, it's his aunt by marriage. So he's, I mean, his mother, I should say, it's his mother in law, my and, and, and so anybody who's going through this will probably benefit from downloading, what, what you're preparing for them. So we'll make sure that they can get ahold of that, that they can get ahold of you, that'll be in the show notes. So we don't have to worry about that right now. But what I'd love to ask you, especially in light of all of this is what what is it that like, let's say money, just were not an issue at all for you, then how would you want to live out your legacy? It doesn't have to be about this. But it sounds like this has now become kind of a thing. So I'm very curious to know what your what your answer is. But I'll put it this way. If money were never an issue for you at all, with any with anything, how would you live out your legacy, so that you can leave a strong legacy behind

my legacy. Like I said, I gave it financial stability. I went to work for a mental health charity for I wasn't getting paid for that for some time, I do get paid for it now. Because I blocked it activities and realized that I can get paid for my expertise. And I would say, at the end of the day, I was caring for somebody I left and miss

every day. Yep, it's your mom, it's your mom. So that is actually beautiful right there. But if you have any last either images, or just last thoughts, or just last words that that our listeners can take home with them today, after after hearing about everything you've been through, and obviously being curious to learn more. What What would be your final word to everybody today,

my final words would be to today is, don't be afraid to think that you can't care at home, because you can get the support from the training, nutrition, you know, learning how to feed them, and keep their independence as much as possible. Because when things for certain people say when they go into a home, they say they want to go home, they want to go home, because if you imagine that if we were suddenly taken away from our homes, you know, within if you close your eyes for five minutes, and then they said I'm sorry, you can't go back to your home, how would we feel. And that's how they feel. My mum died looking at her garden, and me laying beside her. That, you know, that night before, when the angels came, I've written articles on it, my book will come out next year, all about it, which is going to be really exciting. But most of all, is that's why I'm doing what I'm passionate is helping others to understand that you can do it. And I've got a grant, I've set my business up and become a coach the world is seeing who I am. And I just want people to come and talk to me and asked me and so that I can come to my workshops and see that they can do it. Don't be afraid Don't think that you have to do it all alone because there is help. And if if I was say to anyone had the choice, and said put them in a home, surrounded by people, they don't really know they're not going to get all the care sometimes, you know, people have been through COVID that my mum had music we had lattes like I've got here now, every day, you know, we watched we might have watched TV at strange times of the day we had jumped sandwiches at three o'clock in the morning after she'd been sick. Seriously, does it really matter? No, it doesn't because the most important thing is that they are at peace. And then the most important thing is if you know there was no road going back, that is a road that you're out of control. You can't control it, but what you can control is being there for them and giving them the right way to say goodbye You To say goodbye, because if I hadn't said goodbye, I do not think I would have coped no way in this heaven and earth, which I cooked, I want it no matter how hard it is, you need to say your goodbyes. And even after in the transition after, and if people want to talk about that part of my program, because it's in two parts, about the grieving, grieving for the living and the grief part and what happens after what the steps that you need to take, because there's certain steps no matter where you are in the world, there will be steps that you need to take to make yourself feeling your dignity again, yes, I'm dressed up today, guys in a dress and jewelry and the earrings just like my memoirs, because that's what I did. And then because I've got his necklace on today, her earrings, there's always some part of me with with her. And that's what you need to carry on to help help us. We all on that I know by my mom died. And we all know why they, you know, died. Cancer escalates, dementia, people don't talk about it enough. But it can be manageable. And you can have even more so now have that self care, that, in that time vent of life, if I could have had the carers cuppers at that time, amazing. Now we've got those out there, you know, podcasts like this to raise awareness for people, speakers, you know, coaches out there that could help with mindset, which I've been speaking to earlier, in those days, thus, so much tools and resources that I didn't have at that time, but now we can have them from no matter where we are in the world. And that is why I really want to build a tribe, build people so that they've got that support system around them. So it will make life easier. And they can hack because they have to reinvent yourself, you know? Yeah, you know, sadly, we're not that young anymore. So you have to reinvent yourself at, you know, and have your own health issues as well. You know, and that's important as well, is to take time out at the end and reevaluate and get that strategic strategies in place for you as you move forward and your life.

Yep, because you're like, I love that. I love that. Because that's, that's exactly what it's about is that not only can you do it, but when you do it well and you do it right, so that you're doing it right by them, then you can take that with you because you still have to keep living. So I love that that's a great final word. And thank you so much for sharing, we're gonna make sure that we put your information into the show notes so that everybody can get ahold of you and and also get hold of those pillars and, and figure out how you know, how, what their next steps are. So I appreciate you for for doing this, and we'll be talking soon. Thanks.

That's all right. It's my pleasure, Tammy. Thank you very much for inviting me as your guest.