Black and Blue | William Bil Gardiner

Deana Brown Mitchell: Hello, and welcome back, everyone. It's Deana Mitchell with the realize Foundation. And I'm here today with Bil Gardner, who has a very good friend, and an awesome writer, photographer, and Jack of all trades, kind of. And I'm super excited to call him friend. And he has jumped in and helped me with many things in the past. Thank you, Bill. I'm glad to have you here. And I'm so excited that you are telling your story in this next book, because like I said, you're such a great writer. And for those of you who don't know, Bill has a blog, and he grinds his Harley, and he takes his trips. And he writes about them, and they're fantastic. So, but I want you to share a little bit today about what your chapter is about in our scars, two stars book, Volume Two.

Sure, sure. Well, thank you very much for having me today, Dean. And I really appreciate this opportunity. So as a young man, I knew that I wanted to become a professional photographer. I had a camera in my hand since I was eight years old. I wasn't allowed to go that route. And when I got older and was going to college, so I eventually became a police officer in my hometown, it was to mass. And from the time that I was in the police academy, it just became very clear that I didn't fit into their mold. I solve problems using my head, my heart and the law. While many of my peers did it through brute force and intimidation, treating the public like the enemy. So that began a 10 year period of me being blackballed, bullied and treated like a pariah, which resulted in me suffering from some pretty severe anxiety, depression, post traumatic stress, and now obsessive compulsive behavior. And that's now been going on, you know, either being in that toxic work environment are suffering from these things for the last 28 years. But through burying myself in my hobbies, things like photography, and listening to music whenever possible, riding my Harley, all around New England, like you mentioned, looking for places to get ice coffee, ice cream or notes that keeps me grounded.

Deana Brown Mitchell: And it does have you do you know, I've been in several books, but I've never considered myself a writer. But when I read everything you write, even on Facebook and a post, it's just, it's, it's just so well written. So I feel like you have a innate talent for writing.

Thank you, thank you, we had something that I just I developed late in life, when I was younger, in school, and in college. I didn't like writing at all. In fact, my writing wasn't very good. But somehow, as I got older and just started to experience things, I just developed this voice in my head that, like you said, it, it comes in maybe it's Facebook, maybe it was like writing things on Facebook, like, you know, whenever it was the 2000 nits like 14 years ago that I joined, I think, you know, and just repetitive writing, writing, writing things and wanting them to be perfect. Turned into me being able to kind of extend and, you know, and write you know, long periods of time and put things together pretty well. So, yeah, you do a good job. Thank you.

Deana Brown Mitchell: So my other question for you is, can you talk a little about your experience being part of the project with scars to SARS, or what it was like for you to write your chapter, either when you would like to talk about?

Sure, um, well, being part of the spars, as far as project has been very therapeutic for me for one, you know, from listening to other people's stories of triumph, even after suffering from some very traumatic experiences. And, you know, I gotta tell you, some of those experiences are just, I just don't, I can't imagine sometimes going through those, I mean, I've got my own stuff. But sometimes I read their stories and listen to their stories, and I just don't know how to do it, or did it. But that and, you know, getting down on paper, what my personal experiences have been, has gone a long way to, you know, make me feel like a human being again, and not just some, you know, discarded piece of trash like I felt on when I was in the police department. So the way you have it set up that you know, we get together on a regular basis on Zoom calls together and we all contribute to the stars, the stars Facebook page, and we're, you know, we're always amongst like minded folks airport and support each other. So that in and of itself is it's just it's very supportive and very therapeutic at the same time.

Deana Brown Mitchell: Thank you for that. Oh, that's the intention. So I'm glad to hear that it. It has done that for you. And we are trying to figure out how we do more of that. And we are creating it in they're not quite ready yet. But we got we are creating some courses and we do have the whole course it's free. II on our home life page, minutes really, really just high level awareness of mental health and suicide prevention, and how people can ask for help, but also how people can support someone. So that is available on our website, and we're creating a course around these books. So in 2023, we're going to have a course that's going to take a group of people through this whole process together for each book. And we really do bond, the people in each book have this bond now that that is like, you know, we were we did this thing together. And we were in this group together. And it's, it really is a supportive group, like Bill said, and, and you can always reach out sometimes the people that are closest to us in our life, don't understand what we're dealing with and don't know how to support us. And so this community has, has become that for a lot of people. And the other thing we're doing is we're, we're starting another course, that's the kind of the first steps of healing. So if somebody has really been through something traumatic, or something that they want to kind of get in a support support group kind of thing, it's going to be a course for that, that's going to build that community for them. And then they can continue on maybe writing their story, or maybe just being part of some of our events. And so that's what I'm excited about our website now, because we have all of our events in one place. And we are doing our first live in person event in Colorado in September. So that's a new thing for us most everything has been virtual. But we're gonna test that out and see how it goes for for Suicide Prevention Month. So there'll be one to talk about. I know at the at the end of your chapter, you talk about something you're doing now that is helping others, which in turn is helping you a little bit, you want to share a little bit about that.

Sure, unfortunately, as a result, and when people read my chapter, it's defined a little bit better. But I was, I was not allowed to retire from the job on a full disability retirement as much as it got approved by a state medical board. The city didn't agree. And so I was forced to retire on my own on only 25%. So I barely make a little over $1,000. And I was a little under 1000. Now it's a little over 1018 years later. So I'm not making a lot of money. And because of what I have dealt with on the job, it's very hard for me to find work that I can do that, you know, I can I can remain on the job. So that has turned into me being foreclosed on twice now on in the last 12 years. And I've luckily found a grassroots organization here in Worcester, Massachusetts, called WAF, but Worcester anti foreclosure team, and they actually do a forensic audit of everything going on behind the scenes with your mortgage and your note. And so when I was able to reach out to them, they found all of these illegal things that had been being done by the banks, like the entire time I had my mortgage, so that that alone should have stopped them from foreclosing on me in the first place. So since then, I've been involved with WAF to go and do either, you know, outreach where we everything has to be posted by law, if somebody's going to foreclose on us, and we reach out to those people, let them know laughs existence, all we can do for them. And then when they're in the organization, we're able to go and do either protests at all foreclosures or event block aids on which is what you've been seeing a lot of rejoining recently where we go and so allowed the resident or the homeowner time to let the court system take care of the situation, when a real estate agent and the bank are trying to kick these people out, we go and form a blockade so that they can't do it and you know, await the ports and make their final decision. Otherwise, we've had situations where people have, you know, left the house for one reason or another comeback and found a truck driving away with the six load of their stuff, because they came in and emptied the house, and sometimes it wasn't taken to a storage locker. It was taken to a dump. So their stuff was lost. So that's what we do on a regular basis. And it actually is very harrowing. For me I kind of go and I do and I work and you know, being a retired law enforcement officer, I'm kind of able to kind of anticipate and reflect a more constables are doing you know, with us and be able to respond to that. What done on there very, you know, jacked up when I'm when I'm there doing it, but at the end of the day when we have those wins where we slot in somewhere around 34 36 of the blockades we've done have been successful in the last like six months or so. So, you know, that makes us feel good.

Deana Brown Mitchell: That's really great. I will share with you that in the 2008 housing crash, I lost my house. And I did everything I thought I was supposed to do to save it, and had spent literally a year working on it going through programs and documents and all kinds of stuff. And, you know, I, I knew that I was losing. And so we had moved before it actually all happen. So I wasn't there. But it was still traumatic. And I understand a lot about what you're talking about, just because of that experience. And I think the hard thing was that after I lost my house, they had a class action suit and Colorado against the bait, then had my loan. And so if I, if I could have prolonged it, I could have been part of that and maybe saved it. But it's just it's like you said, it's the timing, and you have no control over it. And people are making decisions that change your life, and they don't even know you or understand the situation. It's it's really frustrating.

Yeah, no, you're right, it's the two things that you said are very important is that one, you don't have any experience with that. I mean, when it starts to happen, and the bank starts sending those letters, and it sounds like Doomsday, you just don't know how to respond. And so and then after that, when the bank is just not helpful, they're just not they did not like, there's this human nature that is gone, when it comes to banks, and mortgages and other loans and things like that, and you're just considered the number. And, you know, I always say that if there are attorneys that I've been dealing with 12 years, had put half as much energy into getting me my full disability retirement, we wouldn't be here in the first place. You know,

Deana Brown Mitchell: Yeah, I agree with you. I think that, you know, I am a believer that God has planned for my life. And I, I do believe that things had my life has happened for a reason. And it's taken me a long time to look back and really understand that. And some of it, I still don't. But I also think that there are people in this world in the work that I've been doing for the last two years, there are people in this world that have just gotten the short end of the stick over and over and over. And not because of anything they've done. And I can't, it's really hard for me to make sense of that in a lot of situations. And so what I want people to know about the realize Foundation, because the realize foundation is the one that puts these books together and starts these communities. And all of the proceeds from the books do go to the foundation. And so what I want people to understand is that we are an organization that has a mission to reduce suicide rates, through human connection. And I know that's very different than most of the other organizations out there. And the reason we're doing this is because of my own experience, and you can read about that on our website. But my theory is, there are all of these different situations in life, that get us to the point of suicidal ideation. And if we can create these communities, and these books, and these events, where people can connect, and find people who are going through similar things, and can help each other, then we can save people from getting to maybe that point of suicidal ideation, and in turn, save lives. And so I just wanted to explain that because you know, a lot of people in the world have organizations and programs to help reduce suicide rates. And in my opinion, whether this is popular or not, I don't believe it's working. The suicide rates have been rising for decades. They're not, it's getting worse, especially with the pandemic, it's getting younger and younger people are experiencing that. And we've got to do something different. And if that means that our resources or our community can help, then we want to spread the word as wide and far as we can. So that's kind of what we're about and why we're doing all this. But in the instance, you know, in the in the process, people are telling their stories of overcoming adversity. And it is I can tell you that it's causing a ripple. In fact, it is saving lives, it's changing lives, it's getting other people feeling okay to talk about it and to reach out and ask for help or learn how to support someone in their life that needs it. And it's, it's working, it's working. And I just can't wait until, you know, a year from now where we have our audience in our community is maybe three or four times bigger than it is now. And we can reach more people, because it's all about getting rid of the stigma and having the hard conversations. And once you can relate to someone, either in a breakout room on a virtual event, or in person or in a community, like you're doing with the with the organization that you're helping with Bill, it forms these bonds of support with people that understand your situation, and people no longer feel alone. And that's the whole key. So I'm so excited about you sharing your story because it is unique, and it's different than then what most people think. But like I said, it's all of our stories, that if we don't address we don't get the support and help is what gets us to that really dark place and most of us have been. So I really appreciate you being vulnerable and sharing, sharing your experiences.

Thank you very much. Really appreciate.