Floor of Despair | Amy Charbonneau

Hi, everyone, it's Deana with The Realize Foundation. And today I'm here with Amy, who is one of our authors in volume Three. Welcome, Amy. So excited to be here. So like, let's just dive in and talk about what is your chapter about?

Yes, I'm so excited to be part of this project, because this theme is something that is kind of misunderstood or not really talked about enough. And honestly, I haven't shared my story with a ton of people, you know. So this chapter for me is really writing about my rock bottom point of my life, you know, that floor of despair that left me ready to follow through with all the dark, suicidal thoughts that had been swirling in my head. And in that I talked about, you know, what happened at the crucial moment, where I was ready to end it all, like, I have this cry of desperation, to determine Is God really real? And does he love me? You know, and then the story kind of unfolds from there, like what that path forward, you know, looks like because that's the hard part, walking away from the floor of despairs, really the hard part?

Yeah, yes, and we've talked and you know, that I've been there, and it is hard. And it's even hard to explain it to someone where they, I don't know that they ever fully understand if they haven't been in that place, but there are definitely too many people in our world that have been in that place. And that is why we're here. And that is why sharing our stories are so important. So

Absolutely, and I think we get just so weighted down, you know, by the burdens and the baggage of life. And we get tired of carrying it, you know, which is normal, I think everyone gets tired of carrying stuff, the heavy stuff of life, you know, when you, when you figure out that there's a, there's a path of life where you don't have to carry it, you know, that with Jesus, like, we can lay it all at his feet, you know, and he does all the heavy lifting. And we get to kind of surrender to that. And I think that we can know that in theory, you know, but actually walking it out of believing it from our heart, you know, is what we have to like, open up that connection, you know, to learn how to do that. Because I mean, we all know lots of things, and we all know the right thing to do, you know, even in our heart, then we don't act on it. You know, knowledge is just pointless. Like I can know that I have purpose and value for my life. But if I don't believe it, then I don't act on it. You know,

That's a really good point. I think I want to ask you, you said you've you haven't shared it with many people in your life. But my question would be after. I mean, people can read your story, but after this incident that happened for you. Did you talk about it immediately to anybody? Or was it like, I'm just gonna go on with my life and, and ignore that happened? Or how did you feel? Then?

Great question, because I didn't talk about it. Let me think I'm almost 50. And it happened in my 20s. So for probably almost 20 years. It was that like deep, dark secret that I was ashamed to talk about it, I was ashamed that I had somehow come to the place of thinking that my life had no value because I believed at the time that I had no value or worth in the earth like that my son would be better off without me as a mom, you know, like, the strength of that belief was so intense at that time of my life in as I walked out of it as a shame that I got to that place, you know, our minds are bizarre, like the way that we can go down these rabbit trails of thought, you know, and they're just little, little thoughts that are planted in our mind that then we kind of ruminate and we build on and we make them into these big things that aren't even real. You know, and I think I was so ashamed of that, that I didn't talk about it. And so I was, I was probably 45 Before I really ever told anyone that that had been my story and it was funny because I was invited to speak at a women's like lunch at Christmas time is supposed to be this holiday event, which should be all like yeah, We're celebrating the birth of Jesus. And here I felt like I was supposed to share that I had been suicidal and, you know, had had this really dark moment in my life. And the amazing thing is at the end of that this woman came up, and she just opened up that she had tried to commit suicide four times in her life, you know, and she hadn't died all four times, like someone intervened and got her to a hospital. And, and I just think, wow, like, we never know the power of our story, you know, to help someone else have a connection, because she and I got to connect. And in that connection, I got to hear her, you know, and be with her in those hard emotions, you know, and she got to know she's not alone. I think that was, for me, a life changing moment of people don't know that they're not alone. Because you feel so alone. You know,

You do. And I think you're right, our mind is, is very powerful in many ways. And it, it can be negative and positive. Because when you're, you know, and probably people listening this know my story, but I didn't talk about my attempt for 23 years. And nobody, there were very few people in my life knew that something happened, but they didn't really know this whole story. And if my significant other at the time, had not come home, when he did and found me, I probably would not be sitting here. But I also believe that I went through that for a reason. And it's the whole reason that we're doing what we're doing with scars to stars and the realize from nation is because what broke my silence after 23 years was losing a friend I had known for 20 years to suicide. And wondering, like, Would my story have helped him? Could I have helped him? And that is what drives me every day to continue doing this. And that part always makes me emotional when I talk about it. But it is true, it's that our mind tells us we're not enough, we're not worthy, we don't matter. It tells us that we, you know, should be ashamed or guilty, or, you know, whatever it is, and it keeps us silent, which doesn't allow us to process what happened and move forward from it. Yeah. And I think that is that is the one thing that we can do in our move, is help people have these hard conversations, when maybe they don't have someone in their everyday life that can be that person for them. And so

Yeah, in my story, I write about the one woman, you know, that it's, I totally believe she was divinely appointed by God to be put into my life because she's nothing like me, personality wise, significantly older than me, actually, at the time. And she was the perfect person to let me be angry, you know, because I was angry, I had so much emotions that would come boiling out of me, at totally the wrong time. I would rant and rave and it was not easy. You know, I'm sure to have me in this group that I had joined as I came out of, you know, my, I don't want to give too much away for my story. But I ended up going to this Bible study. And this woman was the leader of that. But one of the things that I think is so powerful that I like I always get teary eyed to when I think about her is she so modeled the love of Jesus, you know that that's what drew me to keep going you because she loved me. And she had so much mercy and grace and tenderness for this broken woman who was consumed with betterness and guilt and shame and anger and condemnation and all the thoughts about like, what is my purpose? I have no point in being here and the world's better off without me. You know, I was a raging man. Like, wow, I mean, I just she was that one person. And I think that's what I find the beauty and sharing these stories and like this book, you know, third volume, but all these people that have written their story, what it's doing is inspiring You know, she inspired me that somehow she could be this person that embodied love and grace and patience. And I was like, how is that even humanly possible? Because I didn't know anyone in my life, you know, that was modeling that. And he just modeled it in a way that made me want that. You know, and I think that's the power of God's love, when we really see it, when we really come face to face with his love. Everything in US wants to have that.

It's okay. Um, it's funny, because I do a lot of business videos. And then I switch gears and do these videos. And it's like, I'm crying. And then I'm like, all business like, and there's two sides of Deena I guess. But um, yeah, it's, it is always emotional, even when we have our, our calls every week for with other people who are writing. For each project, we have, like 12 weeks where we are on a call every week. And, you know, not everybody's there every week. But it's like, we have some really deep conversations about what we're writing about, or just life in general, or our stories. And so it's really, it's bonding and healing, I think I've seen so many people over the three projects, really bond or grow, like, from when I met them, until when we launched the book, like I can really see a difference in people. And it's, it makes me know that something we're doing is is right, and helping people. And that's what matters. So I guess, you know, since we're talking about that, now, will you talk a little bit about why you got involved and what experience you've had writing your story and being part of this project and meeting some of the other authors?

Yeah, well, we met, you know, in a business context, and just talking about, you know, I forget what we're talking about the time, but I kind of talked about, you know, I'm a Suicide Story. And you were like, You shouldn't be an author, what I tell it happened. And so it happened organically, which is the best, you know, really, because I think these, I call it the life and adventure with Jesus, you know, like, we can never make things happen, that are as powerful as if we just surrender to His orchestrating of our life, you know, and so, like, I think of all the steps it took for me to even meet you, like, we live in the same state, you know, we just met through a business thing. And we're both, you know, learning to grow a business. And I think, Wow, that's so awesome, because I could never figure out how to meet Dina Mitchell, you know, and then he just orchestrates it to give us this encounter, where we have this mutual story, you know, that we get to share and a mutual desire to see people set free from, you know, the pain. And I think that's, like, what inspires me the most and in sharing is, I can honestly say, Now, like, you don't have to live with pain, you know, you don't have to live without emotional pain, there is a way to take care of it. And so that, like, I don't want to say it goes away, because the memory of an event may never go away. But like, the painful connection to it can be healed, you know, by Jesus. And I think I'm so passionate for people to know that because I've had women in my life over the years, that just get stuck in a cycle of pain, you know, and I've been there I was stuck in a cycle of pain, and there's no help for it. And so I think getting involved with the realized foundation and doing this process of writing to inspire and encourage is something like I feel like it's, you know, a passion of mine. Like, yes, you know, I hear about what you're doing. I'm like, yes, people need you go Dina, like, get everyone on board tell the world because it's a silent. It's a silent thing. You know, especially in the church circles. I think people don't talk about it, and they need to be talking about it.

Yeah, and I think it's, it's not just the church circles. It's really everywhere. It knits not something even the people who have stories like we do, or they've lost somebody, or not always open about it. And I think even if if someone's lost a child, or a teenager, or even an adult, child or sibling, it's really hard for them to, to process what happened and why. And, you know, they, they live with a different kind of pain than those of us who have been through an attempt. And so I think it's, it's very important that all of us have these conversations. Because if we were open enough to have the conversations, anytime that it comes up, or when it starts for somebody, we can keep people alive. We can save lives, because, and I believe, and I say this a lot, but I'm like, yes, we need therapy. Yes, we need meds and that we, yes, we need psych hospitals and all of those things. But I believe that human connection and conversation and community can save people's lives. And I've seen it happen. Because if we can talk about this, whether it's a therapist, whether it's to a community, like if we can talk about it, and have people around us that understand and that are supportive, then there is absolutely a way for them to get the help, they need them to get the healing that they need. And that's what this is all about. And whether it's picking up a book, and reading a story and connecting with somebody with a link to a Facebook group, or whether it's, you know, listening to one of our podcasts, and then maybe joining our Facebook group and meeting people, or, you know, joining our membership that we are about to have, and being in that community with people like us, that have had these experiences and are willing to talk about it. It's a whole different world. Because for me and 2020, after I lost my business, and I was really in a place where I was trying to process my own journey. I was in groups online and zoom rooms with people I didn't know. And that's where I started talking about it, even though that wasn't what the group was about. You know, it was Dino, what's your story, and I just started talking about it. More and more and more until I got comfortable. And I I did go to therapy, and I did get help and all that stuff. But just talking to people and have them even listen, even if they didn't say anything. It was it was healing to me. That that is the point of of what we do. Whether it like I said, whether it's the books, or the podcast, or live conversations, or whatever it is.

Yeah, definitely, like I call it the tribe, you know, everyone needs their tribe, they need to know, they have a community of people who will listen and support them while they question, you know, because ultimately, we all have doubts and questions. We all have insecurities and confusions. And if we don't allow those things to be expressed, you know, then we're just suppressing all of the emotion that surrounds those. And we end up with all this turmoil, you know, in our head and stinking thinking, right? And what do we do with that? You know, and ultimately, it is up to us, you know, like, we have the autonomy and the power to do something different. We just don't know what we don't know, unless we encounter people who have walked the road already, and are sharing tips, tools, you know, resources that may align with our own personality or beliefs and, you know, and then we're able to move forward.

Absolutely. That's true. Well, thank you so much for having this conversation with me today. It's very important, and I'm excited about book three, and excited that you're in it and excited for people to read your story.

I'm excited to thanks for the privilege.