From Victim to Victor | Deb Weilnau

Deana Brown Mitchell: Hello, everybody, it's Deana and Deb from the Realize Foundation. And we're here to talk today about Deb's journey with scars to stars and how this all happen, that she got involved. And then then all the way to today when she's a board member, so I'm excited to talk about her journey today. So welcome, Deb. Glad to have you here.

Thanks, Deana. I'm grateful to be here.

Deana Brown Mitchell: Awesome. So I want to just tell everybody, when I was first getting started with the realize foundation, I was in, in this other group online, it was there, you know, not long after COVID. And there was a lady that I knew in that group, and she reached out to me, and she said, Would you mind calling my friend because I think what you're doing could really help her. And I said, Sure. And so I called Deb. And I want her to tell you her side of that phone call. And what what it was like for her or what state of mind she was in, etc.

Well, and so that phone call was very, it was a very instrumental phone call that actually propelled me to the journey that I'm on. Now, we do have that mutual friend who is also in the, my cohort. And so we were going to get our, our doctorate together at that time. And you know, we had started to really spend some time together and she goes, Hey, I have this friend who's starting up this, this nonprofit, and she's offering these, this event, this three day event, and I think it would be, it'd be a good thing for you to join and to, you know, maybe share your experiences a little bit and to kind of hear other people. So I remember that phone call DNA, I was sitting in my car, of which I do a lot of my meetings and cars, because I'm on the road a lot and live in the middle of nowhere about an hour and a half of everything. And I remember him sitting in my garage, on the handsfree in my car, and we're having this conversation. And you shared your story regarding how you had dealt with suicide and some of the events that had taken place in your, in your past and your journey. And it really started to get me to the point where I was thinking about my journey, which kind of mirrored yours in some fashion. So it started to, I guess, put me on the path to thinking about, you know, am I able to share with people because at that point, I was unable to really share the true me even with my therapist, I was very, very guarded. So our phone call release kind of started that, even though I was very apprehensive about the three day back.

Deana Brown Mitchell: Well, thank you for sharing that depth. Because it's been years before I heard your side of that phone call. So it's kind of it's interesting to look back and see how that all came together. But after that phone call, I think you first came to the first summit, right? And then you came into the 3d. So in the beginning of this journey we had, we did a couple summits that were like 15 speakers, and everybody was sharing a little bit about their story. And it was it was a cool event. And in between the summit, the first summit, the second summit, we did a three day event. And it was more having speakers and having breakouts and people getting to know each other better and doing exercises. And I thought it was really cool that we haven't done that event again. And I don't know if we will, but if people are interested, we can absolutely do it. But I think Deb was very reserved at the first summit and and the three day event. And throughout the course of the three day event. She kind of opened up a little bit. I think she met a few people. But do you want to talk about that experience a little bit?

So I think both events, you know, it seems it's so surreal, like everything kind of happened, it seemed like everything was kind of meshed together, Dena. So my mind is kind of like getting a little confused. But, you know, between the summit and even a three day event, I think you you were one of the folks that kind of kept trying to drag me out and say, Hey, you don't participate. And it's like you're calling on me. And I'm like, oh my god, I just do you want me to talk? Why wait a minute, why are you picking on me right to talk and tell my story. So I think by the time we got to a three day event, I was a little more comfortable. And with the summit, the summit helps with the speakers, because you're hearing different stories from different people and how, you know, suicide had transformed their life, whether positive, negative, whatever, the trials and tribulations that they've all gone through. And I think that that started to open up my not only my eyes, but my heart to say, you know, if they can forgive themselves, why am I not right? And it also helped me to, to build an amazing team of people that I could reach out to, and friends from all over that, you know, eventually We'll all meet in person, you know, because that was COVID. But the transformation, Ei, who is normally a negative person who cannot really see what's happening with me, I've noticed a huge change from that very first summit and the three day events that have taken place.

Deana Brown Mitchell: I've noticed that change to death. But I also want to say, you know, the the three day event, where I was probably just as scared and nervous as you were, even though I was the host and all that. But it was the first time I was really telling my story publicly. And my family was listening. And so it was, it was a nerve wracking day for me as well. But I think it's funny, because when, when Deb first came, she, she did have her camera on, I think, but she didn't really want to talk, she didn't want to raise your hand or anything. And now, Deb is on our board. She's written in all three of our scars, discharge books, she is a huge advocate for for suicide prevention, and scars to stars. And so thankful that Robyn reached out to me that day and said, You need to meet my friend.

I think we've grown either over the course of what is it almost four years, right. And if three books, we're going on book number four, the number of people that we've met, during this, this amazing journey has changed all of us. And I think that's the one thing that is given me the most is meeting the people and learning how to share your story, not only in a safe place, but also to share your story and to hear how your story makes a difference. And to give you a little bit if I can, can I divert a little bit to what happened to me a few weeks ago. Yeah. So I'm trying to become a suicide prevention speaker, and to share my story on many different levels in whether it's, you know, writing, speaking, whatever, and I was in New York City getting ready to do my very first speech at a speaking event. And I was really struggling with my virtual practice speech the day before, and was feeling really down on myself and was starting to see all the old patterns coming soon negative thinking, the negative talking. And I was really feeling bad about myself until this. This woman actually says she wanted to, she wanted to tell me something. So she would spiritual, right, so she leaves her room comes back. And she holds up a copy of the very first scars to SARS book that I wrote my story. And Anna at that moment, had changed my life by telling me how much that story had meant to her, and how much that bought Ed, you know, helped her. And by doing so, not only did I, you know, kind of start to cheer up and think that, wow, I'm making an impact. But it also gave me the courage to stand up there on that stage the very next day, and speak and tell people the story of how, you know, I was self centered to survive, that speaks that's going to help others realize the difference and and that suicide has made in my life, you know, the positive and the negatives that have happened and the growth that has happened and, and how we see things, you know, what we really see is not always what we really see. And we tend to kind of fake that everybody else has something you know better than we do. So this book, and this program, you know, this, this nonprofit has changed my life in ways that I will probably never be able to repay the number of lives that were touching Dina is is just amazing. And you know, I remember the first time I met Dan, you know another A board member, you know, I met him and he was like way, you know, we had some conversations and he kind of made me think in a different way. So it's not only the people, it's the process, it's the, it's just the whole entire journey has been just amazing. So sharing your story and and being willing to be a little vulnerable, it helps you reduce the shame and to just start living your life because that's what we're doing right? You're helping people to live.

Deana Brown Mitchell: It's so true, because I think that the this sharing your story verbally, and in the book, and writing your story, is really healing. And I say that from a personal perspective, as well as from what everyone else shares with me that goes through. Because if you don't know my story, I survived a suicide attempt. And I didn't speak about it for 23 years. And I didn't realize until 2020, when I were 29 teen probably when I first started speaking about this, after losing a friend, I didn't understand that all those years of not talking about it and not addressing it, how it was hurting me in so many ways, and how it was, you know, I was stuffing down and it just caused more and more stress in my life and more and more anxiety in my life, because I wasn't addressing. And when I started, I started journaling first, and then I started talking to a few people. And then I started talking publicly. And then I, you know, when we had our three day event, I really share the details of what happened for the first time. And through those steps is what helped me get to a place where I could even talk about it without being emotional, because for so many years, it was like if anyone around me or the news, or I heard the word suicide anywhere, I would just cry. And I didn't really, I knew that I was crying because of my own experience, when I didn't understand the fact that not talking about it was having on me for so many years. And so I think like devastating it is so true. Because if you're writing in a journal, if you're writing in our book, if you're talking to a therapist, or someone in our community, about your experience, it helps you heal. And most people who come to write in our book, say I'm going to write my story to help others. And they do absolutely 100% They help others. But it also helps them. So maybe dad talk about the first story you wrote, and how you felt about it before you wrote it. And then how you felt after the book was published.

The first story that I wrote was called the pandemic and suicide. I had owned at that time, a small apartment building. And my tenants were liked by family. And they're actually probably treated better than family, I think. But I gotten close to this younger couple who lived downstairs and when my tenants would do something amazing, like have kids or want to buy a house, I was so proud because they were like my family. And so Indiana asked me to write in this book, it was a no brainer of what I was going to talk about because the young lady downstairs, she had taken her own life. And when that happened, it really forced me to take a look at myself and to see how not only, you know the suicide, you know, from my perspective of being a survivor, but also from the perspective of the victim, right the families and how this affects others. Now I've also lived through having an ex boyfriend kill himself and a lot of other suicide attempts or actual successful attempts. And it all kind of come to light during that time. And so the pandemic and suicide chapter two, right, it was very surreal. It made me start to think about how maybe my family and my friends would have been affected by my decision. It also kind of made me start to see and a different perspective and to to I guess, read the read the room, so to speak. And the reactions of the families that were left to just kind of question why my loved one might have done this or add to see the blame and the suffering that existed. So it started me to think was my perspective 100% on that I'm no, but it did give me a different perspective. So after that was published, I could not believe the number of people who were so supportive of me taking a risk and just throwing my story out into the world. And having the other authors in the book was extremely helpful, you know, cuz we're like a support team, right? We be can reach out to each other to say, hey, how do you feel about this, or you know, and but it also gave me the desire to keep writing about it, and to keep talking about it. And to now not only share my story on the page, but I travel now. And what happens is, I find myself whether I'm in a grocery store, or I'm in a classroom, or wherever, I will always address people, and to see if I can change their day, in any fashion. Because I eat once you see what you see the struggle that others are going through whether whether they are a suicide victim or survivor, I think it changes you. And it makes you a little more vulnerable in some aspects, but sharing my story now is a lot easier. There's not as much shame. So I'm grateful for that chapter to start all this.

Deana Brown Mitchell: Yes, yes, it's true. And I, like I said at the beginning, I've seen a huge teams in you as a person. And that confidence and the less self doubt that you have now about things. I also want to touch on since Jeb said something about our community and when you're when you're writing in the book, and the other authors and how that works, because before the pandemic, I was involved in two anthology books, and I never even met the other people. And I didn't have anybody to help me edit my chapter, they just printed it as I wrote it. And so it's an opportunity for me to explain a little more about that. So we basically have a 12 week process. And it's not a lot of your time, it's just either 30 or 60 minutes a week that we spend together. And we it's just on Zoom. And we meet and you get to hear a presentation from an Arthur code at the beginning, who can maybe have a 15 minute free call with you to decide what story you should tell, because all of us have many stories. It's a sometimes you like need maybe a little guidance on what should I write about. And then a few weeks later, we have a presentation from our publisher, who's also the editor. And once you submit your first draft, she works with you one on one, editing your story. And there's usually you know, you submit your draft, she gives you some suggestions, and you make changes, and then she'll do the final edits, like grammar stuff and stuff like that. And then, you know, once we get through the first draft, and people are editing, and we started talking about marketing, and how to get how for all of us to help Mark get this book so we can stay in the bestseller status. And then we also have a 90 minute virtual event as a book launch in September every year for Suicide Prevention Month. So there's there's kind of a process and there's there's more to it than that, but that's the gist of it. And I've had Arthur's even in the last month, reach out to me and say, Dina, you know, the way you guys do this is so awesome. Because I just wrote another book. And like me, they experienced that they didn't really meet anybody, they didn't have the editing, how they paid a lot more money. And sometimes they even had somebody changed something in their chapter before it was published and didn't even ask permission. So there's a lot of things going on in the world with these anthology books everywhere. And I think that the the process we have come up with has really been successful in so many ways that I've seen other other books fail. And I'm super excited about it because I get to know people better through the process than just like, okay, yes, pay your donation and and write your chapter and send it in and then I never talked to you. Like it's so much more than that. It's a community. It's like, like gift set a support system. Then what We all care about each other, and we care to support each other in whatever way we need to.

Yeah, and the people from all over the world, right? I mean, we've had people from South Africa and all over write in this book. And, you know, we all have somebody that we know that their story is just amazing. So it's not even if you want to write the chapter, right? It could be you just recommend somebody who you think they could really benefit by telling their story. And not only help them, but help others. I know that that's the direction I'm kind of going in now. But it will want a neat community. We're all struggling in so many ways. And you know, like every other group, you're going to find some people that you just get a link click with, and you're just best friends. And then, you know, but no, this has been a great journey. And I want to continue those for as long as we can.

Deana Brown Mitchell: Yeah. Well, that I think it's, um, I'm just so glad that we met, I'm so thankful for you, and our friendship, and your continued support of this mission. To save people and help them know, they're not alone. And, you know, find a community where they feel safe to talk about whatever struggle they're going through. And with that, I'll just tell you, you could go to our website, realize foundation.org, you can find all kinds of things there. But if you go to the scars to stars page, you can submit your information if you'd like to tell your story. And then I would reach out and we have a one on one conversation. And we will start the next block volume four in July, the second week of July will be our first call. And then the book will be published on Sunday, September 22. Of this year. So if you're interested, please reach out. We'd love to hear from you. And thank you, Deb for being here with me today.

Thank you, Deana for starting such a wonderful program. I mean, you know, it's if you wouldn't have followed your life's purpose. This none of this would have happened. So I'm grateful for you as well and our friendship and you know, can hardly wait to see where we're going next.

Deana Brown Mitchell: Me too, me too. Thank you.

Thank you.