Losing My Sister | Becky Donatucci

Deana Brown Mitchell: Hello, everybody, welcome back to Save a Life Challenge with the realized Foundation. And again, we are all about having the conversation and you can find this, realize foundation.org Or you can just Google #savealifechallenge. And you will also get to our website. So if you're able to donate and help us get the word out, please do so. And we hope you will find these videos useful. You can find us on YouTube as well as Facebook. And yes, I want to introduce you to my good friend Becky down at two teeth that I've known for over 20 years, I think it's been a while. It's been a while we work together once upon a time. So that he is here today to talk to us about her sister Maggie and her story. So I'm gonna, I'm gonna let you take it away. And tell us a little bit about your sister.

Maggie, it was always so funny. I think when she graduated from high school, she was most likely to make the most friends. She was outgoing and fun. Where I was always an introvert. So I was always looking up to my sister, my older sister, and she was just so funny, had a great sense of humor. And, you know, she was just a fun person to be around. And, you know, we grew up in a very small town. And we had a lot of fun together, sisters only three years apart, you know, outside playing lot, all of that stuff. But as we got older, and had her own families, we tended to kind of not be as close as we used to be. And I know Maggie had some issues, and then she would try and keep those to herself and hide from the family. And there was a long time that we we had that we didn't communicate very well. It was an issue on both our parts that we didn't communicate. And a little later in life, things got better. And she always said she had a problem with our parents, etc. And that she really wouldn't say a lot about it. And but later in life, we we were communicating better. We were seeing each other every year or so, at least for a little bit. we'd write back and forth. She tells me about her kids and then her grandkids. And she loved her grandkids they were she was just such a doting grandma. And so we knew that she had some issues, but there was nothing glaring that came out. We never had a conversation about any of that, other than the fact that she was really trouble with family sometimes. And I don't, you know, it just she would never really talk about that. But none of us had any clue that that suicide was even in the mix wasn't even considered. And she living in a small town was near, I think two or three of the kids, her kids were right there. And she would see them often. And they went when she took her life. It was just a shock. We were so shocked. And I was not very close to her kids because we were she kept everybody in the family at such an arm's length. I mean, it was she would communicate at that point. That only to a certain extent. And so I didn't know her kids as well as I would like to. But since she's passed, I have gotten very close to the kids. I feel like I've gotten close closer to the kids, and that they wanted to know more about the family because she would never talk about it. And I think you know, that's a sign that we should have really tried to get into her head and see what's going on. And we just didn't know that she was that trouble.

Deana Brown Mitchell: So how you said you you're three years apart and she's older. Correct. And how old was she when she passed

60. Yeah. And then we have, I have an older, my one sister is the oldest. And then I have a brother who passed a couple years before she did from an accident. And but, so she was pretty close to my brother. And she was pretty distraught when he passed away a couple years prior to she, when she did. But it was just, it was just such a surprise, such a surprise for us. And we think I think back a lot about could have I talked to her differently could have asked those questions. And I know we all go through that. Did we ask the right things? Did we talk about the right things? You know, the guilt and all of that stuff that you feel after? Something like that? Could I have done more? And of course her kids did, too.

Deana Brown Mitchell: You had? Do you think her kids had any more insight into what was going on? At the time?

No, the only thing that I know of from the kids had told me is that she had had a a breakup from a boyfriend from a relationship that was about two years old. So it was it was within days after that breakup. But I don't think any of us thought that that would have been such an effect on her. Yeah.

Deana Brown Mitchell: Maybe it was it was just a last straw kind of thing. Maybe it wasn't really the the big reason, but our culmination. Yeah. I think that, you know, I've talked to many people about this, and there are people who plan things way in advance. And then there are people who it's a very split second decision. My situation was the latter, it was not something I'd planned at all. So it's, and it's, it is like, I just posted another video with Lisa. And she explained that, like, when you're in that moment, you have, it's like you have something right here and you just you can't see anything else, you can't see the people around you. You can't see, you know, the blessings are the positive things in life, you just see whatever that pain is, that's right there. And a lot of people think like, well, it's selfish, or it's, you know, whatever other word I was trying to think of, but it really is that people just want to in their pain, they're not thinking about how it's going to affect someone else, most of the time. And they're also not thinking that they matter. They're thinking that people around them would be better off without them. And I don't know why. But I can tell you that that's what you know, if you if you study it, that's what it tells you. It's like, it's not that sometimes if people are planning to talk to you, a couple of people will plan something ahead of time, and actually either live through it or not gone through with it, which is why I got their story. But they plan something in a way where they thought everybody else would be taken care of. If they were Outland. But then there's other there's many situations where it's not. It's not something that that is planned or thought about ahead. So it's it's just so painful for us that are left behind because we don't know the answers. We don't know. Right. I sometimes. Sometimes it's somebody that has talked about it for years and years. And you know, like, you know, they've struggled with it, and then, you know, but it's still a shock, and it's still hard. So I'm wondering, like, what are some of the things that that helped you cope after her passing?

Well, I think it was just getting to know her kids better and to, you know, see how much your kids are so much like her in certain ways. You know, and I think that was the best thing for me. But also, for my perspective is that since I have never been to that kind of a dark place. It was very hard for me to understand how she could have not reached out, you know? Yeah, like you said, it becomes the only focus and you can't see around that. That it is hard for me to understand that.

Deana Brown Mitchell: Yeah, I understand. Last year when I first started Talking about all this myself, my husband and I've been married for 16 years at the time, and he, like, I just had never seen you be depressed. And I was like, Well, that's because I hide it. We don't want anyone to know. And when I was, I was traveling so much that I could, you know, I could stay in bed in the morning at a hotel and some of city where I was for an event, and nobody would know, you know, and if I was, if I had to be somewhere, or if I was at home with family, I just, you know, it's that, you know, suck it up and do what you got to do. So I think it's that, I think when people want it, there's there's all kinds of people who like to be alone. But me personally, I, I've always liked to be alone. And I think that's because that's when I get time to just like, not have to put on a face for someone or not have to show up in a certain way. And it's easier. It's easier if I'm alone for me to process whatever I need to deal with. And I also think that a lot of a lot of the more sensitive people in the world have Empath qualities. And I had never understood that about myself, where when I was younger, I used to not like being in crowds, like, you know, going to this big, huge New Year's Eve event with 1000s. Like that it was never something I wait, I could do events like that if I was in charge, and my brain was focused on what I had to do. But when I was there just as an attendee, I was miserable. And so learning that I tend to take on other people's emotions, make me understand why I was so uncomfortable in those situations, because sometimes you, you don't understand what you're feeling, because it's not your emotions. And I never I never understood that and totally years ago. And so my mom said to me, in the last year, like I never, she never understood why it was so hard for me to talk about things when I was younger. And I said, Well, maybe it's now that I know all this, maybe it's me, because I was having feelings that I didn't understand. And I didn't know, I didn't understand how to talk about them, or how to explain them, because I didn't know where they were coming from. So

I think my sister's was her humor, that was her way of hiding it. Yeah. So, so for someone like me, that doesn't understand how to, or what was being felt? How would you reach out to someone like me and say, This is what I need?

Deana Brown Mitchell: I think that, you know, it's kind of what I did with my husband. And I said, you know, there are days that I say, I know, I'm tired. Or I'm exhausted, or I'm stressed, in my mind does all correlate to depression or anxiety that I was having? And when people say, I'm fine, they're probably not. Yet, that's one of those key words that come up a lot. But I also think I, you know, I took the time to send my husband some things to read that I resonated with about how I felt, because I didn't necessarily have the right words. And so if I would Google something, and I would read something, and like, Oh, my God, that's exactly how I feel, then I would, I would send it to him and say, Read this. Or I would say, you know, like, what if, you know, when I didn't want to get out of bed, or I was tired, he would say, Well, what's just, you just need to get outside you need to go let's go for a walk, let's go go ride your bike. And it's not something I wanted to do. And it's so for me to explain to him why I felt the way I did and what I needed. And that sometimes I need to just stay in bed and listen to music in my ears or, or read something or whatever it is to get myself in a better place. And and then once he understood that, then he would just get up and close the bedroom door and he would go on this business and let me do what I needed to do. But it took many conversations for him to understand and for me to explain, and so I hope that anyone is listening to this is struggling that he would do the same with your loved ones and let them know and let them help you because they they care about you and they want to help.

Yeah and see that At that information is very helpful. You know, if someone were to tell me that then I could understand and say, Okay, let's go about this a different way.

Deana Brown Mitchell: And the other thing is, you know, people who say, just be positive, you know, or just be happy. It's like that that's not what you should say to someone who was depressed. But you, it is, it is really hard to understand and, and it's hard. Like for me to understand my brain and why I feel like this and why this happens. And it's funny because I have different playlists on my phone. And I have a playlist that I listen to for probably the last two years like, not daily, but almost daily. And this past year, since I've been feeling better, most of the time, I go back and listen to that playlist. And I'm like, Oh, my gosh, this is depressing. But it was what I needed at the time, like for the listening to happy stuff wasn't making me feel happy, it was making me feel worse. So sometimes there's, it's like, some people talk about self soothing, like your, I call it giving yourself grace. But some people call it self soothing, or doing something like comfort food or something like that, where it's like, it makes you feel better at the moment, but it doesn't really fix your problem. And I think sometimes people need that sometimes when people are having a bad day, they just need to be able to have a bad day and feel bad about it, you know, or talk about it. And I think that's everybody, I don't think you have to express that kind of situation, because we all have stuff in our life, that's, that's negative or bad that we need to process somehow, and then try to get to a better place. So it just lasts longer for some of us than others.

And I'm sure that people process in many different ways, like an artist might produce some dark work during a period like that, or something like that. And then maybe you can see it in that kind of a way to and how people process it.

Deana Brown Mitchell: It's true. And I think that it is very easy, especially in the last year and a half with the pandemic, for people to feel alone. Even when they're odd, you know, you like, I'm sure that she knew on some level that you were phone call away, or whoever else was in her close to her and her life. But sometimes it it feels like you know, they're not going to understand or they're gonna judge me, or they're gonna tell the sub that I don't want to hear, you know, like I told you, so that person was bad for you or, you know, whatever that might be. So I think there's there's reluctance for different reasons. And I think the pandemic has just magnified all that because we've lost, so isolated.

Sure. And I think kids to struggle with this right now, because they are separated a lot. And social media sometimes can be brutal.

Deana Brown Mitchell: Yes, I think social media exacerbates the bullying. But I think it also, I think, on every age level that social media is like, people showing the perfect side of themselves. And being behind a mask or facade. And the people looking at it are saying, well, they have everything, why can't I but what they don't really understand is the person or period they have everything on social media is probably just as depressed or anxious, or in a similar place and the person who is thinking, look, they have everything, because sure, you know, we have to spend 30 minutes taking the perfect selfie to put on Instagram. So people can think our life is great even when it's not. So I think social media from both sides is really not helped the mental health situation. Waffle it's been entered I think it's a huge culprit in our younger generation too. Because people are you know, the kids these days are so used to looking at a screen and that person and not having that physical you know playing outside or hugs or whatever it is. They're there on their screen either played video games, it social media, and now even doing school like it's just it's just a lot and you need you need time away from it people. Kids don't go outside and play anymore. Oh, yeah. Well, do you have any last thoughts? For anyone who is maybe going through what you've been through,

You know, just trying to tell yourself that there's nothing that maybe you could have done about it, that that person probably was going to do what they intended to do, regardless. But there's always that chance that you can help. But after the fact, you can't blame yourself. You just can't.

Deana Brown Mitchell: And can get salsa to important important to remember that. It doesn't mean they didn't love you or care about you.

Yes, yes. Because you go through those emotions for sure.

Deana Brown Mitchell: So it will, it's something inside of them, that is making life difficult for whatever reason it is they're, they're in this dark place. And I don't think it's a reflection of anybody that they cared about, or anybody that even tried to help them. Because it's, it's just like demons that you can't shake, or you can't get rid of, I don't know, better way to describe it. But like I said, many, many people who take your life think that people around them will be better off. And that is very sad to be. And I hope that, you know, we can make a difference in people feeling like that. But it is that the most prevalent feelings when it comes to suicide.

Their life would be better without them. Who and that's such a sad thought such a sad thought.

Deana Brown Mitchell: It is, it really is. And that's why I think if we can not make people have more conversations, and we can make sure people know that they matter to us. And don't just assume that they know how you feel is is important, as well, because it could help them get over that that hump and also getting them to tell you how can I support you? Is it just leave you alone lay sleep? Or is it just come sit on the couch and watch a movie with me is that you know, just go for a walk and in silence even you know, even if you don't know what to say just being there knowing them knowing that, that you support them.

And I think one thing to that is, you know, even in a distance, you're you're not living right next door to family or whatever this may be send out a little note card once in a while or something if you know, just something extra, that maybe you could just make sure that they know that you're in there.

Deana Brown Mitchell: Yeah, that's true. Or maybe. I think it's also that people are busy. The world is busy, right. And so I think it's easy for people like me, to make an excuse that I'm too busy to have a conversation or to get together. Sometimes that's totally valid, and they are really busy and on time, their schedule. And sometimes it's just kids either don't want to talk about it, or they want to just be alone. And so I think sometimes if we see something if we see signs that something's different than normal, you know, we were I was doing some talks with first responders a couple months ago, and we were talking about how maybe that person usually comes home and takes out the trash, or they come home and do something around the house that they do every day or on a regular basis. And they're not doing that. Like they'll just come home and maybe ignore whatever that is. And maybe that's a sign that something a little off or a little wrong. Like and and maybe that's happening with someone you care about. You could notice it and not like dump on them for not taking out the trash, but maybe like hey, what's going on like you don't see yourself or something like that.

Distracted they they by, Sure.

Deana Brown Mitchell: Exactly. Well, Becky, thank you so much for for sharing with me.

You're welcome. Thanks, Deana. You know, I hope that this makes a difference in somebody else's life.

Deana Brown Mitchell: I do too. I do too. Well, we will remember your sister Aggie and when you remember the good memories, and hopefully it's brought you closer to her children and grandchildren. So that's a good thing. Yes. So for anybody watching, you can find this again it at belies foundation.org where you can just Google hashtag Cebula Challenge. All of these videos are on our Facebook page and on YouTube under Realize Foundation. And I am about to go in and put more information around all the videos and hashtags so you guys can find the ones that you're looking for, because we discuss a lot of different topics. So basically, our stable life challenge is all about having a conversation. And we believe that getting people to talk whether they're the ones struggling or whether they're a friend or loved one of someone struggling that it will help us kind of decrease the stigma and help people get the help they need to get better. So thank you for joining us. And again, just have a conversation.

Thank you, Deana.