Tips to Connect and Communicate with Your Teen | Terri Lee

Hi, everybody, it's Deena with Realize Foundation. And today, we're talking about communication with your teens. And so I'm going to introduce Terri Lee to you, she is a Communication Coach for moms. And I'm gonna let her explain a little more about what she does. Thanks for being here, Terri.

Oh, thank you for having me, Deana, and thank you, all of you for showing up and caring so much about your kids as you do. I'm Terri Lee, like she said, and my mission is called Rise above the silence. And what we do is help moms of teens in particular, to dive in and address the communication and the relationship that they're having with their teens, which is causing that silence in their homes, which we know at times can be deafening things like, you know, door slammed and eyes into phones and headphones on and those kinds of things. And that's why it's called Rise above the silence because we want to help people rise above the silence in their homes and create connection with their, with their teens. And that's what I started. I've been doing this for a number of years teaching and doing workshops and classes, and really wanted to dive and just be able to reach more people because it's helped so many, and provide this opportunity to do online challenges and courses and programs. So that's what I do. Right? So at the silence, and how Oh, sorry.

I was just gonna, I was just gonna ask, like, what, what got you on this path?

Okay, well, in 2006, short story, had a huge crisis in our family, we were heavily involved in some service and ministry, and my husband got real burned out. And we were just doing too much, homeschooling kids, you know, he was working full time doing all these things outside the home and helping people and family ministry and women's ministry and was wonderful, wonderful stuff, but it was just too much. And so he had to step down, I stepped down, we pulled away. And what we discovered in the pulling away is that which we probably knew all along, but our kids, our relationship with our kids was just really suffering. We were activities, and you know, sports in school and running everywhere, and, and still connecting both for the most part over dinners and things like that. But more distance, angry words, conflicts, yelling, there were just all kinds of things going on that that weren't great. about that same time, I was introduced to a counselor, a friend of mine, and well has become a friend. And she introduced me to a communication style that really embraced anchoring ourselves and who we are in our identity. And out of that, to start listening to start communicating with the listening air, rather than trying to fix things or fix everybody and that sort of thing. And what it did for me is over the next probably three to five years, my kids at that point were like 1614 and 1112 ish, and two daughters, and then a son. And I started to change, I started to listen more rather than trying to fix things, and I stopped judging so much. Because there I mean, I would have kids come home, especially one of my daughters, and she'd be upset and just really angry. And, you know, I confront her about not fulfilling some of her responsibilities or chores, and then she just fly off the handle and, and eventually, I started saying, Hey, what's going on? It's something happened at school, like I was able to pull back enough and not feel that, that flare up of when we you know, when we enter those years where hormones are flying, and things are shifting and like your child has changed overnight. You don't know who this person is like, what did what happened to my child where they go. It's just very it's fearful, right? Because you don't know what's going on. I was feeling rejection. I was, oh my gosh, if they loved me enough, wouldn't they do what I said when they follow through with those things? And I was finding that they were not. And so as I started to shift my communication with my kids with my husband, things started to change, things started to transform. Now some of it got a little worse before it got better. But the amazing thing about this journey has been that I started to see the challenges the problems as opera Trinity's to make connection. And that's what really shifted us big time. And I just started sharing it, I started sharing about what I was learning, I started doing some classes, I started some small groups, and people were really interested because they were struggling with their kids like I was. And so that's been my heart is really to see families. What I've seen in ours is that we don't, we aren't all alike, we don't all agree, there's none of that, you know, we don't have any perfect people here. Plenty of challenges. But we have a way to connect, we have a way to communicate, we have a way to work through the conflicts when they come up. And our kids have learned that and started to take that out now that they're all adults, and in their own worlds, they started to take it into their workplaces and into their marriages and into raising their children, which is just, you know, super exciting because I grew up in a in a home with a single mom and my grandparents. And we did not have a lot of connection, there was lots of love and care. But back in the 60s, and you know, my mom, I never knew my dad until just actually in 2018 that I found him. But there were lots of things that weren't talked about, there was lots of things that were kept silent. And although there was love, there wasn't emotional connections. So I moved to perform well, and to do well and to try to take care of everybody else. I also had mom and grandfather that were alcoholic and, and all those perfectionistic tendencies. And so it's just been so amazing to and I and I went to school and social work. Okay, so I had some training, and social work and communication. But I don't know, I got married and had kids and I don't know, that just kind of went out the door to some extent. So it's been deepening not only of our relationships, but of my own self and who I am and figuring out who I am and that I'm okay. You know, and when I believe that I'm okay, I can listen, and I can care and I let I can let someone else, unpack what's going on with them. And I've just been enjoying it so much. And it's my passion is that families all get to have that opportunity. It's not all gonna look the same. But we all have the opportunity to create connection and have those deeper relationships.

Absolutely. So if I, if somebody comes to you, and says, you know, my teenager just won't talk to me, I don't know what's going on. I know, you know, they just like you said, you wake up one day, and they're a whole different person. And how do you how do you go about continuing the connection that you used to have or getting it back? And I'm gonna let you talk about that for a while? Yeah. Well, that's what you suggest.

Okay. Well, first, what we talk a lot about is, what is it that you want? What is your goal, right, because a lot of moms, we want our kids to talk, okay, but that's like, that's great. That's a great goal. But when we start to talk to them, and then they might start talking back to us, sometimes they say things that we don't want to hear, or that we don't agree with, right? And, and then it gets really challenging to listen and just accept them for who they are. And that's what I find the most. Moms are just so frustrated, because they can't seem to get through to their kids. And they want them to listen to them. But they also want them to talk. But the kids often will interpret things like sharing your great basket of wisdom and experience as giving a lecture and they're not good enough. And Mom, you don't believe that I can do it. You know, you don't believe in me. And so what we talk about a lot initially is, what is that communication pattern that you have currently, because if you're not connected, then something is causing that barrier. And we'll do a little exercise on that a little bit later on that but what is that pattern? For me, it was a fixer. I like to fix problems I spent, I spent years with my kids, protecting them, training them fixing their problems now helping them navigate things and we gave them a lot of independence as they got older. I'm not I'm not saying we weren't like the helicopter parents. But at the same time, that's the role I was in. That's what I was used to. That's what was comfortable for me. And so when things started to shift and they wanted to be more independent and they didn't want to listen to everything I said and and all of that I had to begin to look at myself and go okay, what am I doing? Let's back up here and see That's really one of the first things is what is the pattern in your life in your communication that could be causing them not to want to talk to you. And I know a lot of times moms, like just want the kids to change, just want to the kids to be fixed. And I just haven't found that, that that that works. I mean, we can send our kids to counseling, we can do all kinds of great things, which are awesome. But when it comes down to it, it has to come back to us. It's like, how can we bridge that gap? So back to the goal, what became my goal was connection. My goal was connection with my kids. And that was the utmost goal, it became less and less trying to get them what I wanted them to do. And more and more, how can I connect with you, you are most important, you are valuable to me, You are worth listening to your life and your thoughts and your opinions and your dreams. They're yours. And I want to value those and honor you in that. So that's really one of the first things we do is what's your goal. So I encourage parents to decide that goal is going to be the connection, I mean, connection is going to be the goal, because that's what's going to help drive you the rest of the way. When you come back to that. That's I think the first step, you want me to keep going?

Sure. I think you're right. And I think it's really important that if talked to one of the other speakers about this, about how it is just building them up for a state of confidence for them to be able to function better in their circles and their friends and and their influences that they're around. And so when we hear Darrell speak, we talk a little bit about that too. Because he speaks about addiction and how the influence of of that is hard. And so maybe there's, you know, maybe you've come across some people than your world that have needed your help. And that's been a problem too. But I think it's very important. What you're saying is, is that we we do too. I'm a stepmom, so I don't have children that lived will be full time. But I definitely have you know, I've been a stepmom since my kids were seven and 10. And now they're 27 and 30. Wow. And and like I said they didn't live with me full time. But there were still times when I was like, I wish they would talk to me more. I wish they would tell me what was going on. But I didn't want to pry and it was. And as a stepmom it's even harder, I think because you don't have the same bond as you do with your, with your own kids. And so, you know, there might be some moms listening to this that have had that situation as well. So

Yeah, well, I think when you face that, I mean there's the the feelings of rejection, there's the feelings of disappointment, there's the loss. And we do talk some about loss because you go and you spend all this time you've invested you've you've raised you've trained or or you're starting that process and the case of being a step parent and and it can be really can grieve our hearts, right? Because we really wanted something different. We expected we thought something would be different. Because now like I'm not a baby Mom, I have friends that are baby Moms. I'm like more than mom. But as the kids, the kids get older, I do better. I'm doing better with it. Now that I have grandkids. I'm becoming more of a baby mom. But it was like, Oh, yes, you know, even in the in the elementary, obviously Junior High ages, but really into high school. It's like, oh my gosh, we can do all these things. We can do it, you know, I mean, but they don't want to have so much to deal with that unless it's forced, right? It's like, oh, no, we're all going to do this, which is that happens, that's going to happen sometimes. But just dealing with those feelings of rejection, being honest about them. Eventually, I got to a place where I was I've been able and I still do to this day, if if something happens between my kids and I said, you know, that kind of hurt my feelings. You know, I know that's not your intent. And I now that we have this relationship, I can use that kind of language like, Okay, I know, this isn't your intent. But this is how I felt. And I've had my kids say, Mom, I don't need you to fix it. I just need to vent. And so and now, I'm not in tears anymore after that, although for a while that was kind of hard. It's like oh, you know, it's like okay, okay, I'll just listen i and sometimes oftentimes now I catch myself even with my husband or even other friends when I need to have such a passion and a heart for them. And that's why I think parents, we can just kind of be pulling our hair out and And just that remembrance, it's like this is out of love for our kids, this is out of wanting to have the best for them. And that's why I'm just like not about guilt, shame and condemnation. Because that doesn't do any of us any good. It's like we really do have our kids best intent. We just all come with our own issues, that when those communication patterns come up, what we found is those are usually connected to past experiences, or traumas or whatever that we've experienced. And we've learned how to deal with things. Or we're dealing with fear. A lot of times, that's where judgment comes in, when when a teenager starts talking about this very alternative opinion that they have or view that they have or experience they want to do. And it's not what we think they should do. Automatically. I would I would judge right. And or I would judge feelings. That one's just really Oh, you don't really feel that way. I did that. I mean, just to be honest, my daughter was expressing feelings of depression. And Rome, I think I need help and and I didn't know how to deal with that, because that was out of my wheelhouse. I hadn't been depressed before. Or if I was, I didn't really know it. And, and it was scary, right? So I tried to cheerlead her out of that, like, oh, no, that's not you know, life is hard when you're a teen and all this kind of thing. And, and, and just tried to talk her out of it. That didn't work very well, because she still felt bad. Eventually, another incident happened. And she did take a lot of Tylenol and we had to go to the hospital. And, you know, it turned out we, you know, did some counseling, she, she wasn't really trying to enter life, but she was definitely trying to stop that pain. Right. And so it was a big wake up call that Okay, wait a minute, I need to pay attention to feelings and as uncomfortable as I am, because I just shared my history, right? We don't talk about feelings and emotions in my house growing up, it's all stuffed down. It's, you know, whatever. And even though I had the training, I had all this stuff. But that part of me took over and then the fear, and I didn't let her be okay with her feelings. No. So anyway, I guess, I guess I might have digressed there a little bit. But just being able to deal with those emotions. And being community, I think community is one of those awesome things you do in your program with other moms so that you realize you're not alone, you know, you're not alone in this. And just really taking the attitude of that connection, I'm going to push toward not pushed, but I'm going to pursue connection, I'm going to nurture the relationship, I'm not going to wait until they get older, because I find that a lot of those things that we heard, oh, you just got to get through the teen years, or Oh, it'll get better when they move out. That's not what I'm finding. I'm 60 now and I've got I live in a 55 plus community. And there's families that parents that don't even talk to their kids and barely see their grandkids, because they thought it would get better. And the kids pushed away more parents didn't change. And so you're left with the same place that you are. So what's beautiful about the teen years is there in your home, still, generally speaking, and you have opportunities to change yourself, and change the trajectory of your relationship. And I think the most powerful thing is being willing to give that invitation to our kids to say more, believing that there is hope, releasing those patterns of communication that don't work that we talked about. It just opens more doors to communication, and seeing the problems that we encounter as an opportunity for connection rather than a roadblock or something that you just can't deal with. Or I'm done. You know, I have a lot of moms who say that I'm done. I was like, No, I'll be done. Don't be done yet. Just start listening, right. So we do a lot of work in in our own identity, being secure in who we are, and then just going through really basic communication skills that a lot of people probably already know. But what I found the core is the anchoring in our identity, because then I can go into a difficult conversation with whoever it is. And because like I said earlier, I know I'm okay. This is not my problem, because a lot of times we want to take the problems on and then fix them right like they're ours, but this is this is their problem. And I just I love this. Danny silk is an author that I love and he I remember hearing his stuff years ago. It's like our kids aren't geniuses. They are wired to figure things out and bring you back in what you were saying to you about that confidence in who they are that they can figure it out. I just think is really powerful.

Yeah, I think it's it's also scary as a team, when they be you have ideas or driven in some way that is something different than what your parents want you to do. Yeah. And, you know, like, my dad always wanted me to be a doctor, lawyer engineer person. Mm hmm. And I didn't really want to do that. And so I ended up going to architecture school, which he was happy about. But it was like, trying to figure out for myself, like, what do I want to do? What am I interested in? And, and also feeling like, I didn't want to let him down. Hmm. So like, maybe that's another situation. You could give some people advice around because it's like you're in it. As a parent, you want to guide the person, the child, the teenager, young adults, you want to guide them in a in a productive, successful manner. But you also, like we talk so much in mental health. It's like, sometimes people just need someone to listen. And to really understand them, instead of telling them how to fix something like you said,

Yeah, yeah, no, that's powerful. Because we yeah, that's, I'm glad you brought that up. Because we do a lot of that about going into conversations with the connection as your goal, and with curiosity, to learn and to understand, really big thing, understanding over agreement, right? Because when agreement is our goal, and we can't get it, where do we go? I mean, we're kind of stuck, right? There's no, no one's willing to budge. And so we really impress upon moms, especially, like going with curiosity. I found that I have more influence in my kids lives now. Because I took the time to listen, and stepped back and honored and encouraged them and their thoughts and their opinions. And oh, what brought you to that decision? Just open ended kind of questions. How did you start thinking about that? Right? You know, I mean, that we've been talking about that a lot since COVID, since there's a lot of division and families over things that were going on. And it's like, instead of arguing your point, which doesn't really make anyone happy, just find out going curious. I'm just really curious, what brought you to that decision? That is a great question to ask, again, you got to breathe, you got to remember your goal, you got to you got to remember, what is it that you ultimately want. And for us, it was we wanted our kids to be able to think for themselves, to be responsible, right? To know how to navigate the challenges of life. And now they can begin to approach things with curiosity and with their own kids and with the people that they interact with. It's hard when you really want someone to do something. And we had that happen. My husband really wanted my middle daughter to go to accounting school that was, you know, and she sort of wanted to do it. But as it went further, she was like talking about getting, you know, quitting school. Right? So that wasn't so that wasn't so good. We just kept encouraging her on and, and this is when that probably, my husband had quite a discussion at one point, or in our kitchen that was got pretty intense. And she was just so frustrated with him. This is a little bit before the college years, but I think I'll share it briefly just because it made such an impact for later on is she would just be angry, right? She'd be frustrated, someone would hurt her feelings, some something was going on. And then we would come down on her and then she would not always dress the way that we were really happy about her dressing and, and didn't always know how to handle those conversations that go change that's not appropriate, blah, blah, blah. And it came down to another one of those situations. My husband happened to be home and her and I were getting it into it. And he stepped in. And whenever that happened, it was like, oh, you know, it was a little crazy. And it got heated. And she he said something like, Well, I don't understand what do you think it you know, and, and she said, Well, I hate you. I hate you. I hate you and she screamed that right? And it was like this knife into his chest right? Because we really did love our kids. We were just struggling and he stopped And he said, he explains that like, it was a just a dagger in my chest that I took a breath. And I said, I am hearing you say that you hate me. Do you want to say any more about that. And that took everything he said at that point to be able to say that and to give her the invitation, the judgment free invitation to say more about her anger towards him and her hatred towards him. Right. So that started this conversation where she describes it as it's like, the heavens opened up and I had a voice and, uh, you know, I mean, so she went on for a while, what she hated, you know, what, and, and it was things like, you know, I never feel like, I'm good enough, I don't do anything, right. You're, you're never approving of me and all that kind of thing. And, and it ended in like him just really apologizing. And saying, that is not what my intention was, right? That was the beginning of, for them, what paved the way to at least have these conversations. And and they're very close today. So these conversations about, I don't really want to do this dad. And it's like, we would listen to her. And we would hear her and we would say, Well, you know, you're I mean, there was she was like a year left. And she maybe it's even a semester, it was a year to a semester and she got married and, and we just really encouraged her to stick it out. Now, she uses it and her entrepreneurial businesses, you know, now it wasn't, you know, it was a, I think she ended up switching to a sustainability business degree, she didn't do accountability. And accounting accounting, I'm not sure how you say that for the for the major. But she did make that shift. And we were in supportive of her and that we really just wanted her to finish because she was so far in and she had paid for part of it. So I'm just remembering this is their life, right? And the more we can support them and give them that room, this is really the key is this is the crux of it, giving them space and room to unpack what's going on in their hearts, and in their minds and in their thoughts and not reacting to it. And just listening and inviting them to say more and and then as you get more into that you do that more, then you can start asking questions like hmm, you know, I experienced something similar. Would you be interested in hearing? You know about that. And so we ask our kids for permission to, to speak into their lives, or to give our perspective? And most of the time now they say yes, so on occasion, they'll say no, but most of the time, they'll say yes, doesn't mean they're always going to do what we want them to do or what we would see them doing right. But actually, it's turned out better sometimes on their decisions than what we would have seen for them. So I don't know, hopefully, that's a very long way to answer your answer your question, but really the curiosity, the invitation to say more, realizing this is their life, and maybe they're just struggling in the class, maybe they're struggling with a roommate, the issue is not usually the issue. And I don't know if you guys ever talk about that. But it's, it might look this way on the surface, but there are some things down under deep that are driving what's going on. And if we don't listen, if we don't kind of feed it back to them, make sure we're tracking with them and invite them to say more, we're not going to get to that deep issue. And they might just keep it to themselves. And they might not get to an issue that's floating around there that they don't even realize. So

I agree with that approach with every human, no matter what their age is.

Absolutely, yeah, we do it in all relationships, but my focus right now as moms of teens, but it's definitely

I think, I think in mental health, it's really important to to not try to fix and, and really listen and ask questions. And I feel like that's important in everything, even even in business conversations, you know, like, there's a very valuable thing, if you really want to understand, then you really want to get to the heart of some. So it's, it might be even harder with with kids because they don't always want to tell you something that they know you're not gonna like,

Well, yes. And that's why you have to create that safe space, right that environment where they feel comfortable coming to you that they're not afraid that you're going to condemn them or try to change their mind or, and that takes time. I mean, I really encourage parents to start small, you know, start with the the conversation in the car in the car, if you're picking someone up from school and they start talking rattling off about whatever with their friends and, and I have one of my clients that shared this story where she picked her up her daughter from school, I think she was probably 13 At the time, eighth or ninth grade and she started going off of Got something that had happened with a friend and it was everything for her to keep her mouth? Shut, you know? Cuz she's like, she's thinking, what what did you do? What did you say to them? What did you cause you know what I mean? That kind of thing. I used to do that type of thing with my kids, like, it must have been your fault that they reacted that way. And she said it was everything. And she said, Oh, she said, Oh, man, that must have been hard. You want to say more about that. And then she her daughter just kept going. And she just kept inviting her. She never said anything else. And her daughter finished her, you know, unpacking of it. And she goes, Wow, thanks for listening, Mom, you know, that's really what parents are for. And she was dumbfounded, right? That one that it worked, and that her daughter was like, Yeah, this is what I want you for. And that's, our kids need us, like you said earlier like to build that confidence to know that they can make it in the world to know that they have a place and people that are going to support them wherever they are, and whatever they're doing, even if we don't agree. Now, I'm not saying life and death matters. I mean, there's, you know, there's always going to be some kind of acceptance to that. But in general, if we show up and listen to our kids, they're gonna start talking, you know, and it might take a while might take a lot of listening for a while, but they're going to start talking because then they're going to believe that we really want to hear them, and that we believe their voice is important. So

That is true. Well, thank you, Terri, for sharing your expertise and knowledge around this subject, because it's it's just so important that we can you know, that parents and kids can communicate in a more effective way. And I think it's paramount to all of our mental health to do so.

Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah.

So would you like to tell everybody how to find you?

Yeah, you can go to Rise Above the silence, I'm on Instagram, and I'm on Facebook, you can reach out that way. I'd be happy to, you know, book a, you can book a call with me, or just do one of the programs and be doing some mini, little mini challenges, workshops this month of June and then longer workshop. And you can join on that, and I can send you information. So that'd be awesome.

Awesome. And just so everyone knows, we are putting together a landing page for this event that will have all of the links and anything from the speakers that you are you will be looking for. So we'll be putting that in the chat during the event. And we'll have a q&a. Right right now.

Oh, thank you.