You Son or Daughter is Addicted… Now What? | Darryl Rodgers

Hello, everybody. It's Deena and I'm here today with Darryl Rogers. And he is a family recovery coach. And he is going to talk to us today about what do we do when we find out, our son or daughter has a drug or alcohol addiction. And I know he uses drugs to describe both. But I wanted to say that at the beginning to understand we're talking about drug and alcohol. So welcome, Darrell. And I'm gonna let you take it away.

All right. Thanks, Dana. Good to be here with you. I appreciate this opportunity to talk to parents. Yeah, it's, it's a difficult thing to deal with. When you find out that your child is addicted to drugs or alcohol. And I think that leads to a good question like, how do you know they're addicted? Sometimes that's a tough thing to determine. You know, I think parents a lot of times have a knee jerk reaction early on, when they find out that their child is using drugs, which is totally understandable, especially in today's environment. There are a lot of drugs out there that well, first of all, you know, fentanyl is very pervasive. Now it's everywhere, and it ends up in other drugs that wouldn't normally be fatal. So, you know, yeah, it's a concern, it's a big concern. So, you know, first thing I'm going to do is say, there is a guy out there named, he goes by Paul cop. His name is Jermaine Galloway. And I would suggest, if you're having doubts about whether your child is really addicted or not, the first thing to do is to you have to do a little bit of investigation. And I would caution against the whole reaction thing I want you to respond instead of react. Don't blow up, don't allow your fear to cause you to really say things to your child that that can put up a wall there, you want them to communicate openly with you. So try to make sure you're in a calm state of mind before you have that conversation with them. But then back to Jermaine. Jermaine is a former police officer. And he does a lot of presentations on what to look for, especially in terms of drug paraphernalia and things like that. So you may want to go take your child to see a therapist, because if they're using drugs, even if they're just experimenting, if they're doing much at all, is probably more than what you think. And it can quickly go from just casual use to an addiction, especially with the drugs, the power of the drugs that are out there today. So you want to be on top of it a maybe get them a therapist, because if they're using, they're probably there's something they're coping with, or some kind of an underlying issue that they're coping with. That is causing this caused them to go down this path. So you want to you want to quickly get to the bottom of that. And try to nip this in the bud.

Thank you, Darrell. Maybe, before I forget, would you tell everybody where they would find your main? Our talk Jermaine?

Yeah. I think it's tallcop.com. But if you just search do a search for tall cop, you'll find him. Okay,

perfect. Yeah, I think it is. To your point, it is easy to have a reaction that could cause more, you know, building a wall or more fighting or negativity around it. And so I think that's a really good point. So you were going to talk about that difficult decisions, and how you would move forward once you have this information?

Yeah, definitely. If you feel like they have an addiction, or or they're quickly headed towards becoming addicted or if you have that question in your mind. You know, there are some very difficult decisions to make. And it's a little bit different with a teenager versus a child who is over as well. A teenager has over 18 or, you know, they're legally an adult, basically. So, you know, if your child is under 18, the decisions are different. You know, If they're under 18, you can tell them they have to go to treatment, they don't really have an option. They can, yeah, there's a lot of different things that could happen there, they can try to run away or something along those lines, but you really have a lot more control. And that's where you really need to reach out, find some good help to some good, some seek wise counsel, you know, find some, some people that you can trust, get all the information that you can, but I do see parents get hung up here a lot, they're afraid to make a decision. Particularly if if we're talking about and I know, we're talking about teenagers here today. But if we're talking about a child who's legally an adult, you know, you may need an intervention to be able to get them into treatment. A lot of parents get hung up on that, you know, with an intervention you're usually given them, and depending on the type of intervention or different types, but a lot of parents get hung up on, you know, giving them an ultimatum. And in the Johnson model, which seems to be the most prevalent, that's part of it, you give them an ultimatum, you pack your bags and move out, or you're going to treat me well pay for it, it's up to you. And a lot of parents are really scared to do that. It's a scary moment. But and I would recommend the longer term treatment programs, normally, that gets into another whole discussion that can can get pretty complex, but it's expensive, it treatment is expensive, there are some less expensive, don't let that scare you away, because there are some less expensive alternatives. And parents need to find out about those. But then we're talking about your child's life here. And literally their life could be his probably most likely hanging in the balance, you're not trying to scare you, but it's just it's just the reality of it. And it's important to, to not delay to make to be decisive, take action, in spite of the fear, you know, get get as much good information as you can make a decision, take action. And don't let the don't let the fear stop you from doing what you need to do.

That's good advice. It's hard, though. I mean, I've never been in that situation I know you have there. And if any of you want to hear more about their story, he has written in our first scars to start book. And there's a there's an interview with him on our YouTube channel as well. But I have talked to some other parents who have been through something like this as well. And it is really scary. And I think it it also really depends on the relationship you already have with your child or teen. And and if they're already, you know, close to you enough to where they're going to talk to you about these things. Or maybe there's already a while there, that that is making it more difficult. And if you if you have that situation, what would you suggest for parents to how for them to go about having these conversations?

Yeah, that's a really, really good question, then I'm glad you asked that. You know, we all can improve our listening skills. And and that's the, that's one of the biggest keys to communication to effective communication is learning how to be an active listener. And it's one of those things that none of us are ever perfect that we have to keep working at, you know, over our over the course of our lifetime. And this is something where I think parents can increase their effectiveness most parents can really increase their effectiveness with with their teens. And so just a couple of quick tips on that, you know, obviously try to make eye contact, don't stare at them all the time, you know, look at different parts of their face as you're talking but definitely make eye contact when you're having that conversation. Like I said earlier, respond instead of react and try to get to the bottom of what's going on in the in the way you're going to do that is not by like a Spanish Inquisition or whatever. You know, it's not not to not to ask all these probing questions, but you know, when when they're expressing their feelings about something, you may not agree with what they're saying. First of all, be aware of your body The language and your facial expressions, because you can be saying one thing, but completely communicating something different with your body language. And that takes practice that takes practice, because it's really easy. And I'm the world's worst. If I'm upset about something, it's all over my face. So you know, to try to get that under control is sometimes a little bit difficult. But along those same lines, I would say that you want to validate their feelings. In other words, you may not agree with what they're saying until you see some of the key phrases that you might use would be something like this, like. Yeah, let me ask you a question about that. Is this what you're saying? Let me make sure I'm understanding you correctly. And so you kind of read you paraphrase what they said, You say it back to them, you reflect it back to them. And that lets them know that you heard what they said, Now, you may get it wrong, or they may think you got it wrong. So that's why you use that question is, am I right? Is that Is that what you're saying? And that will give them the opportunity to correct you. And that's okay. Is is, you know, give them that opportunity to say no, no, that's not what I meant. This is what I meant. And you have to really lower your defenses, you know, maybe if you feel like you're going to get into that situation and tempers could flare. And you're really emotional about it, you have to kind of take a few deep breaths, you know, before you start the conversation, try to get yourself calm. And if the octave goes up, if the if the voices if the you know, the volume continues to go in the conversation, when when their volume goes up, try to lower your voice, bring your voice back down, Speak calmly, speak softly, they will hear what you're saying a lot more. And, you know, I don't mind telling you, I have a military background. And I and I have a booming voice you know, I grew up singing in the choir, I have this kind of a bass baritone kind of voice. And it can be very effective at getting people's attention when I need it to and in, in that, that can be an asset. But you you know, if you're like that, if you're a dad, that you're out there listening, and you're kind of like that you need to learn how to also when you really want people to hear you, and you want them to know that you're hearing them lower that tone and speak in a calm, quiet tone. And that, that can be very effective at at De escalating things when when things are beginning to heat up with the conversation.

Yes, that that is true. And I think, to your point earlier, that when there is an addiction occurring, there is something else going on. And I think that it could be a lot of, of what we talk about in general, in all of our events in our books, and everything is like, Who are you surrounding yourself with and protecting your mind, which is part of our hope course on our website. And it's, you know, you are the combination of the five people you spend the most time with. And if you're, if your teen is hanging out with the people that are doing drugs, and you know those things, then that's what is influencing them. And I don't know that you can change that. I mean that you might have some some advice about that, Darrell, but I think that the other thing I wanted to point out is like if they're really dealing with depression, or they're dealing with anxiety, or they're dealing with bullying, which we're also going to talk about today, you know, those are underlying things that could push them into this, this place as well. And so I don't know if you want to expand on that a little bit from your experience.

Yeah, that's a really difficult thing, you know. And when they're teenagers, they're obviously they're in this transition stage from child to adult, and they want to be respected to be understood. They want the admiration of their peers, they want to be accepted by their peers. And so sometimes because of that, they are subject to peer pressure. And, you know, obviously, the younger they are, the more opportunity you have to mold the way they think in and try to reinforce values that will hopefully, you know, get them around other kids and think about the company that that they're sharing, you get them around other kids who are, you know, from families who have similar values and who are behaving the way that you would like for your child to behave. However, you know, it's if you're later in the game, you know, that's going to be difficult, you can have conversations with them, and you can control it to the, to the extent that you can know who their friends are know, who know about the Meet the Parents of their friends, do everything you can to control that, as much as you can, of course, you know, they're under 18, you can enforce certain rules, it gets a little bit more difficult, those are becoming an older team, because they're going to push back against that. And that can become a wedge, in your in your relationship, and you really don't want that. So there's a little bit of a balancing act there. You know, in terms of them going down the wrong path. Yeah, there's definitely is what happened with my son, you know, here's a big factor. Confidence is key, when when they lack confidence, they are more, they're looking out, they're looking for the acceptance of their peers, even more, even more so. So I would have always encouraged parents, I think, I think this is a big problem that we have now is a lack of confidence in our teenagers, and young adults, and everything that you can do to build their confidence in their just just overall build their confidence in their abilities, and everything that will go a long ways towards, you know, giving them a foundation that will help them avoid becoming a peer pressure, casualty, or, or peer pressure. You know, statistic. So, so yeah, I would, I like, you know, first of all, I'm a Christian. So from, from my perspective, I think it's very important to get them grounded in in the Word of God and get them into church and put them in every situation that you can do to help them develop that relationship with God in into and to develop spiritually, and there'll be a lot of confidence that will come from that. Aside from that, I think that, you know, I like positive affirmations. But there's no better positive affirmation than the affirmations that come from a parent to a child. So, you know, when you we tend to as parents, sometimes I think it's just a people thing, okay, we tend to focus on the negative. And so what I would say is, try to not spend, try to spend as little time on the things that they're doing wrong as you can, and try to spend as much time praising them, try to catch them doing things, right. And spend as much time as you can, praising them for the things that you see them doing. Right. And that will go a long ways, in terms of positive affirmations, if you know, you know, they can you can write positive affirmations for them. I've got an old website, I don't use it that much anymore, but maybe I should move some of these over to my website, but I've got a website called Power Word, I think is power words.com. And I have to our power tools, power tools. I have to look up the link for you, Dana. But there's actually little downloads, PDF downloads, they can get there that have positive affirmations for youth that they can read. Anna and I have a book that I wrote that is actually geared towards teenagers and it's all about building confidence. And that that is, I believe, one of the keys to helping them be able to deal with the peer pressure so that they can can push on past that and not be lured into experimenting with drugs.

That's really good. I didn't know about that book you have or that website. So that would be really, I think that could really help. Yeah, I think, like, in my own life, my parents were always very, now that I hear you talk about that, they were always telling me, I could do whatever I wanted, you know, like, whatever you aspire to, or whatever you want, it was a lot of positive reinforcement, even when I didn't realize it, I think in my life. And that didn't keep me from having issues when I was a young adult. But, you know, it did get me through high school. So I think that's a really good point about the affirmations and just catching them doing something right. Like you said, I think it's, it's important to acknowledge that, for sure,

yeah. And, you know, I kind of look at it too, as sort of like planting a seed. So even if they go through a rough spot, you've planted that seed there, and at some point, that can come back up, and they can, they will remember those the things that you say, are locked in there. You know, they may not remember every word, but, but the things that you say are in their mind in the planet, uh, when you plant positive seeds, they, they tend to come up at some point.

That's true. That's really true. I want to ask you about the marijuana situation. Because I live in Colorado, it's been legal for a while. And I know you are having some issues with that in the state where you live. And I didn't know if you want to talk about that. But it might be good for parents who are in either situation, whether it's legal or not legal and the ramifications of both. Because if there are teens that are under age, using marijuana where it's not legal, like I assume there's more ramifications for them than there are for people in states where it is legal.

Yeah, well, you know, it's really been to a large extent, and almost every state decriminalized that you want to use that word. In other words, I think law enforcement now. I think the general attitude is they have bigger things to worry about. And I'm not saying that's the best attitude, but but it's just a reality that there are a lot of big issues, you know, that they're facing out there. So, you know, but internally in terms of what's going on with marijuana right now, it was the the biggest issue that my son faced. He was addicted to marijuana and a lot of parents don't realize, I think there's a lot of misinformation out there. People think, oh, it's not addictive. You know, that's, that's one of the myths is very addictive. And when you go back and look, you know, I graduated from high school in 1978. But the the marijuana that people were smoking them was, you know, it was about two to 3% THC content. And then in the mid 90s, you know, they began the growers began to selectively breed the plants to create higher THC content, and it got up to around 18 to 20%. You know, and but that's not all, you know, there are different types of wax extracts. There's dabs, dabs are pretty popular and that can have dabs can have up to 60% THC content, and it goes all the way up to like 99% or 100% THC content so it's not the same drug it is a powerful drug now I'm when we're talking about marijuana appearance need to realize we're talking about all of those things, not just you know, you know, when somebody's smoking a blunt or whatever. So there's that issue. There the issue of impaired driving on marijuana. It is a it does impair a person's ability to safely operate a motor vehicle and unfortunately, law enforcement just doesn't have the same kind of tools to get marijuana impaired drivers off the road that that they do for alcohol. It's different. It is metabolized differently in the body. So but here's the thing that I see. That increased potent See is creating a lot of problems for people that we didn't have much. A few years back in. You know, I started facilitating a peer support group for parents who have children who are addicted to drugs or alcohol five years ago on a volunteer basis. And when the parents, parents in that group early on, mostly their kids were having issues with with opioids. But now all of the new parents coming to my group, when I ask, what kind of issue is your child having seems like 90% of them are like they have a problem with marijuana, they're addicted to marijuana. And there's even this condition called cannabinoid hyperemesis syndrome that most people have never heard of. And I know it's a mouthful, but you can go to Facebook. And look, they're two different support groups that I'm aware of that are big support groups, I'm sure there are others, for this condition, is known as chs. And I'll repeat the wording and as cannabinoid hyperemesis syndrome, er physicians are very well aware of it, because they see it quite frequently. And what happens is not very pleasant thing, the people who are using marijuana, it doesn't affect everybody we don't, there's a lot of things we don't understand about it, but the people who are using it, you get to come down with the HS they start to throw up and they cannot stop throwing up. And it will get so bad that they have to be hospitalized because they lose body fluids that they get some relief from getting into a hot shower. And so some of them will have second degree burns on their back in scarring in some cases, just from staying in the hot shower so much just to get some relief from the knowledge that the only way for it to go away is for them to stop using it and they can never use it again. And you go in those support groups. And you will see that they will admit I'm addicted, I want to stop because I know it makes me sick to the point that I have to go to the hospital and I'm having a really hard time fighting off these cravings. So yes, very addictive. You know, there's a lot more issues with psychosis related to marijuana use now, and I think it's because again, because of those increased THC levels. So, so yeah, a lot of issues with it, don't take marijuana use lightly because it can escalate quickly. And not only that, but they can a lot of times it is a gateway drug, from the standpoint that when they begin using, you know, it's stimulating dopamine production, and it's not natural dopamine production. So the brain, you know, is kind of like, okay, well, this person is, is giving me this stimulating this dopamine artificially, I'm going to dial back my natural dopamine production. And in so what happens is, you can't ever, you're always looking for a higher, you have to go higher and higher and higher with the stimulation of that dopamine production to be able to achieve the same high. And so they will turn to other drugs to get a bigger dopamine spike. And that's how they end up, you know, with some of these other drugs, so, you know, yeah, parents need to be aware of this, and they need to not not take it lightly.

Thank you, Darrell. That's really good information. And I think the other thing that I've heard, I've never used marijuana. So I've lived in Alaska in the 90s when it was legal, and I was around it, but I wasn't ever a user. But there are people who talk about marijuana being laced with other drugs. Oh, yeah. When you were talking about fentanyl earlier, like what is your experience with that and what kind of drugs people are putting in it and what that does?

Hmm, I'm hearing a lot about fentanyl ending up in pills. And they're, you know, pills that look like they look real though but they're homemade. And you know, sometimes I think it's intentional that the the dealer or whoever's manufacturing the pill thinks I would put a little bit of fentanyl in here. We'll give them a bigger high. They're going to want more of this they'll be addicted and they'll come back for more. And they don't really care about what happens. They don't really think about that. You know, somebody overdoses or not the other thing I think that happens I think is probably more often the case is that you know, fentanyl, it only takes if you look at, like three grains of salt. That's about the amount of fentanyl that it takes for someone to overdose and have a fatal overdose. And of course, it depends on the tolerance levels of the individual, it's going to vary from one person to the to the next. But in depending on if there's prior use, but But yeah, so what happens, I think a lot of times is there you have a dealer need to deal in a lot of different drugs. In there's an accidental, what's the term I'm looking for here? There, they accidentally end up getting some of the fentanyl into one of their pills. But I'm hearing it a lot with like, Percocet is what I'm hearing a lot, but I'm sure there are other pills to that end with and linen and it does happen sometimes with marijuana as well, for this some of the same reasons. So, yeah, very dangerous thing. So if they're using really any drug, you know, it's totally different landscape now, you know, go back 20 3040 years, or even not even that far, even 10 years, you know, you could go back that far and in kids could experiment a little bit with drugs in in kind of get away with it, you know, but I know of a lot of stories, a lot of situations where it was a one time use, or maybe they were just a little bit of light experimentation. And they ended up getting a fatal fatal dose of fentanyl. So this is unfortunate. But, but this is something that parents need to be aware of.

Yeah, for sure. It's crazy to me, because I, I study suicide rates a lot. And it's crazy to me how suicide rates and overdose rates are separated. And I mean, I know there are accidental overdoses, but a lot of them should be in the suicide numbers and the numbers that we know, from the CDC and things that are not what I think are the real numbers, and especially around veterans. And so it's, it's just, this problem is so big. And there's so many people in the world that that don't even they've never been touched by suicide. So they don't really understand how important this is. And I think that, you know, the the ages of suicide victims are getting lower and lower and lower. And we're having like nine year olds and 12 year olds that are, they're taking their lives. And the easiest way to do that is with a pill. And it's, it just, it breaks my heart. And I don't people have asked me for a year or more, you know, talk about this subject about teens and about kids. And I've shied away from it, because I've really not been not feeling like I'm an expert in that arena. So I really appreciate you being here and talking about this because you have a lot more experience with that than I do. And then do you think that maybe parent as a preventative measure measure could have conversations around this? And if that was the case, like maybe you have a preteen that is you know, you don't suspect that anything's going on? But what kind of conversation could you have with them to warn them about this? And what would you do in that situation?

Yeah. Yeah, definitely with a preteen I think because yeah, it's just it's, you know, it's crazy to think that you would have to have that conversation with a kid this and you know, first through fifth grade, right? But definitely by the time they're in middle school and you know, your own child in you have to you have to you know, let your gut tell you what to do on that but when when to have a conversation but definitely, you know, in while they're in middle school, I can you know, that's that's a perfect time in my opinion. Early Middle School in and you know, you just have to sit down and educate them about the dangers that are out there. And go back to the whole building the confidence thing. You have to look back at COVID Think about all the things that happened during the lockdowns and all that is really, really weird time that has put a lot of stress on people, and especially young people who are trying to figure out the world and figure out life and figured out what thing what life is all about and figure it out themselves. And now you throw all of this stuff in in it is leading to a lot of I think, a lot of depression. You know, there was you talking about the suicide with pills and everything. It is hard to know, it's difficult to know the numbers. How many of those were classified as accidental overdoses are suicides that we just don't know. There's just no way to know and a lot of cases. But I can tell you that I think it was 2021, there was 108, or 109,000 was the final count, you know, overdose deaths. And certainly a good percentage of those were suicides. But anyway, yeah. Definitely, parents need to have that conversation as early as they feel like, problem may be a little bit earlier than you think you might need to. And in, you know, we need more people who are educated on the subject, getting into schools, so that they can talk to the kids at school about this about this situation. And I go back to building that confidence building build their confidence.

Yeah, I agree with that. In 2020, this, the overdoses in Denver tripled. And that, that's just what the government tells you. It's telling us, you know, like, who knows what the real number is, but it it was a huge jump, and marijuana is legal there. And it has been for a while. So I just, it makes me want to understand more about the causes, and, and what's involved in what drugs and in those things. But I don't know that we'll ever know the real answer to all that. But what I do know. And what's in our event description is that suicide is the third leading cause of death and young people between the ages of 15 and 24. And 5000, young people complete suicide in the US each year. That's that's just that blows my mind. There are approximately 10 youth suicides for every 100,000 youth. And in adults, that's triple or quadruple that number. And then each day, it says there are approximately 12 youth suicides. So anything we can do to change that. And I think that there are probably teens that have gotten mixed up in an addiction that we're talking about, and it ends up being what we think is a suicide, or maybe it's an accidental overdose, because of the trajectory of what they're involved in, and not knowing or maybe they're taking something and they don't know there's fentanyl in it or anything like that. And so I think this conversation, I think is so important for parents to understand, because there are parents out there who haven't ever taken drugs and don't understand it, or know it, you know, or have any idea that their kid is maybe even using. So I think this is very educational. And I really appreciate your expertise on the subject.

Thank you. Appreciate you having me here. Now I didn't even touch on along the same lines, the social media, social media is a big factor. And that's something that parents need to take into consideration. What kind of controls are going to put over that and electronic devices. And certainly at the end of the day, I want everybody listening. In, you know, this applies not only to the parents, you know and how they relate to their teens, but I want everybody listening to know that they are loved. And I think that's important for parents to convey that you convey that message to their teams. But it's a message that we all need to get out to people in general. Now, because so many people do, you know, they're hurting, and a lot of people are really hurting now. And, and they don't realize how much they're loved. And so that's something we can't do enough is to just communicate that to people that they are special. They're here for a purpose, and they're loved. And especially to the parents listening to this, make sure that, above all else, that you convey that to your teenager, on a regular basis.

Yes. And we do talk about kindness a lot in this community, and just whether it's whether it's your child or stranger, you know, how we can be more kind, and it just makes the world better in general. Sure. So Darryl, will you tell everybody where to find you and what you do? So they will, they will know how to find you if if they need your services, okay.

So you can go to the familyrecoverycoach.com. And there's some other places to find me out there on the internet. Quite a few places, but that's the main place, I will mention that I do have a tick tock account. And there's a lot of good videos there. I think I've gotten a lot of good feedback from people. But what a family recovery coach does is a family recovery coach, coaches, parents who have a child who is battling drug or alcohol addiction. And you know, there are decisions that need to make be made early on that I talked about earlier, that a family recovery coach can help with the communication issues are important. And then it's important to learn about setting healthy boundaries, learning how and when to let go of certain things. And that's really what a family recovery coach does. We're not a therapist, we are a coach. But a lot of parents deal with the enabling issues surrounding this surrounding having a child who's battling addiction. You know, rescuing issues, what we call codependency and worry, chronic worry, fear. And these are some of the things that as a family recovery coach that I help parents learn how to cope with how to manage those emotions that come up. So you know if there's something I can do to help you please reach out and the would would love to talk to you. This is my calling my passion. I love people I love working with people and and I really feel for our parents who are going to sit you going through this situation because I've been through it myself.