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Family is messy! Right? Often during the holidays, we are presented with high octane family drama coupled with the big expectation of always keeping that smiling and holiday cheer coming. It truly can be one of the most stressful times of year for so many.
In this episode, I am going to walk you through some quick tips on how to show up with leadership in those times and hold vulnerability and integrity on the front burner for your kids to see and learn from… even in the super sticky and hard moments.
About the Host:
Nellie Harden is a wife of 20+ years, mom to 4 teen/tween daughters, dreamer, adventurer, servant, multipreneur, forever student, and a devoted teacher, but her ride-or-die passion is her work as a Family Life Coach & Mentor.
Coming from a career background in marine mammal sciences, behavioral work, and a host of big life experiences, both great and not some not so great, she decided that designing a life of purpose and freedom was how she and her husband, along with their 4 daughters, wanted to live.
Her work and passions exist in the realms of family and parent mentorship because she believes that a family filled with creativity, fun, laughter, challenge, adventure, problem-solving, hugs, good food, and learning can not only change a person’s life but is the best chance at positively changing the world.
She helps families build Self-Led Discipline™ & Leadership Into their homes, sets their children up for a wildly successful life on their terms, and elevates the family experience with big joy, palpable peace, and everyday growth!
With a lifelong passion and curiosity in thought, choice, behavior, and growth she has found incredible joy in helping families shift perspective, find answers, and a path forward.
(Nellie has been coaching families for over 10 years and has degrees in Biology, Animal Behavior, and Psychology. )
LINKS:
Family Success Vault- https://www.nellieharden.com/vault
Website- https://www.nellieharden.com
Online Community- https://www.facebook.com/groups/the6570project
Instagram- https://www.instagram.com/nellieharden/
Facebook- https://www.facebook.com/nellie.harden/
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Hello and welcome to the 6570 family project
Nellie Harden:podcast. If you are a parent of a tween teen or somewhere on the
Nellie Harden:way, this is exactly the place for you. This is the playground
Nellie Harden:for parents who want to raise their kids with intention,
Nellie Harden:strength and joy. Come in here all the discussions, get all the
Nellie Harden:tactics and have lots of laughs along the way. We will dive into
Nellie Harden:the real challenges in raising kids today how to show up as
Nellie Harden:parents and teach your kids how to show up as members of the
Nellie Harden:family and individuals of the world. My name is Mellie Hardin,
Nellie Harden:big city girl turn small town sipping iced tea on the front
Nellie Harden:porch mama, who loves igniting transformation in the hearts and
Nellie Harden:minds of families by helping them build self love, discipline
Nellie Harden:and leadership that elevates the family experience. And sets the
Nellie Harden:kids up with a rock solid foundation, they can launch
Nellie Harden:their life on all before they ever leave home. This is the
Nellie Harden:6570 family project. Let's go.
Nellie Harden:Hello, everyone. Welcome to another episode of the 6570
Nellie Harden:family project, where parents are seen as family architects
Nellie Harden:building the beginning of someone else's future that
Nellie Harden:someone else is our kids. And guess what you guys they are
Nellie Harden:always watching us. And in today's episode, since it is
Nellie Harden:this time of year, no matter when you are listening to this,
Nellie Harden:this is always going to be a factor. But this is being
Nellie Harden:recorded around the holidays. And you and I both know that the
Nellie Harden:holidays are wonderful. They're amazing. And it's the great some
Nellie Harden:of the greatest time of year. And it can also be some of the
Nellie Harden:most stressful time of year because of all of those family
Nellie Harden:gatherings, friend gatherings, the expectations right to do all
Nellie Harden:the things all at once. And keep a smile on your face the whole
Nellie Harden:time and be in holiday mode, right. And so I wanted to kind
Nellie Harden:of, if you're listening to this, when I first come when it first
Nellie Harden:comes out, then this is the last podcast of 2021 coming out, I
Nellie Harden:can't believe it's almost 2022. That's crazy to me. But you'll
Nellie Harden:also be listening to this probably on the tail end of some
Nellie Harden:crazy family get togethers. And if you're nodding your head
Nellie Harden:right now, I totally get you. So when you go to a family
Nellie Harden:gathering, there is the complaining, the gossiping, the
Nellie Harden:talking behind the back the frustrations that are not
Nellie Harden:addressed, right? This can be happening in all corners of the
Nellie Harden:room. And this is friends or family right? All corners of the
Nellie Harden:room. And then definitely in the car ride going home. Right? All
Nellie Harden:the things. And it's so easy to fall into this trap. You guys it
Nellie Harden:is so easy when someone comes up and they're like, Did you hear
Nellie Harden:what our cousin Joey was doing? Did you hear what this? And
Nellie Harden:you're like no what you know, and then you're like, oh, yeah,
Nellie Harden:and it's just so easy to fall into that trap. And I we can
Nellie Harden:catch ourselves. And then I realized I need to do some
Nellie Harden:repair work, right? Especially if my kids over hurted or what
Nellie Harden:have you. And it's some things that always come to mind are you
Nellie Harden:know what? I shouldn't say that they're doing the best they can,
Nellie Harden:right? Or they're just doing what they know. They're doing
Nellie Harden:their best they're doing what they know. How about this one,
Nellie Harden:you know what, it's not my life, I don't need to step into that
Nellie Harden:right? Or God created, created them with love to write all of
Nellie Harden:the things. And these are things we need to remind ourselves of
Nellie Harden:sometimes and stop ourselves in the tracks. But really showing
Nellie Harden:our kids how to deal with this family turmoil through our own
Nellie Harden:family turmoil. And again, I keep saying family, but it could
Nellie Harden:be family and friends whatever is really important and showing
Nellie Harden:up in that vulnerability and integrity. So what do I mean by
Nellie Harden:this? Well, how we help heal ourselves and help heal others
Nellie Harden:is through one thing and one thing only, just like with
Nellie Harden:parenting, it's through all of those courageous conversations,
Nellie Harden:right? The conversation has to come first the action comes
Nellie Harden:after that. And then we have healing and reparations and
Nellie Harden:everything after that, right. But there's really four areas or
Nellie Harden:four groups of people that if you are going to a party get
Nellie Harden:together, etc. Fill in the blank, there's going to and
Nellie Harden:maybe there's some some things that have been swept under the
Nellie Harden:rug before maybe there's some pent up frustrations, maybe
Nellie Harden:there's some questions about things. There's really four
Nellie Harden:areas of people then that you're dealing with and that is willing
Nellie Harden:and able, willing and unable, unwilling, unable and unwilling
Nellie Harden:and unable. So let me walk through each one of these and
Nellie Harden:what that might look like with each one because you're like,
Nellie Harden:that was a lot of words knowing I get you. So number one is the
Nellie Harden:willing and able group. Now, this is a great group, maybe you
Nellie Harden:have some issues with your mother in law, Sister in law,
Nellie Harden:mother, brother, you know, sister, whatever the aunt
Nellie Harden:Phyllis, or what have you. And so maybe you have some issues
Nellie Harden:there. And maybe they are willing and able to talk to
Nellie Harden:like, sit down and talk to you about those things. And this is
Nellie Harden:the most ideal, obviously, when someone is willing to have a
Nellie Harden:conversation with you, that means that they're open to it.
Nellie Harden:Hopefully, it's not just a passive aggressive, and you
Nellie Harden:know, them sitting there with pursed lips and crossed arms, I
Nellie Harden:would definitely put that into more the unwilling category,
Nellie Harden:which we'll get to in a minute, but I'm talking about really
Nellie Harden:willing and really able to sit down and actually have a
Nellie Harden:conversation and go over, you know, what happened,
Nellie Harden:where the, you know, disconnection is, and if an
Nellie Harden:apology is in order from one or both of you, then you go ahead
Nellie Harden:and do that, right? And what does an actual apology look
Nellie Harden:like? I talk about this with my families a lot. But it's
Nellie Harden:important for these apologies to be demonstrated outside of your
Nellie Harden:immediate family to so they can see your kids can see even more.
Nellie Harden:And I'm not saying that your kids need to be in the room
Nellie Harden:taking notes. As I'm watching this. That's not what I'm saying
Nellie Harden:at all. But there will be a conversation after this. I'm
Nellie Harden:sure like, just so you guys know, you know, Uncle Bob, and I
Nellie Harden:sat down and we talked through this and you know, we we met
Nellie Harden:some resolve. And so things are better now and what have you so
Nellie Harden:it can be conversation later. But what does a real apology
Nellie Harden:look like? Well, I have I use and created the acro method. And
Nellie Harden:that is there wasn't action at some point, right? And then
Nellie Harden:there was a natural consequence to that action. One of you isn't
Nellie Harden:happy something happened, what have you, then there's
Nellie Harden:repentance and then redemption. Okay, so ACR, but in that
Nellie Harden:repentance, what does that actually mean? And a lot of
Nellie Harden:people can, you know, go well, you know, if I personally am a
Nellie Harden:Christian, but even if you're not a Christian, you understand
Nellie Harden:what repentance is, it's turning away from what is causing the
Nellie Harden:pain, right. And so, Repentance means truly just turning away
Nellie Harden:from the action. And when someone is apologizing, and that
Nellie Harden:someone might be you, it might be your child, it might be Uncle
Nellie Harden:Bob, whoever that is, you really need them to have good eye
Nellie Harden:contact, right? That is very, very, very important to have eye
Nellie Harden:contact, because it shows that the person is actually talking
Nellie Harden:to you. I mean, think about it, when your kid is trying to
Nellie Harden:apologize, and they're staring off at the wall or whatever
Nellie Harden:you're like, No, you need to look at me, right? And so eye
Nellie Harden:contact is so important. So eye contact, a clear voice, like not
Nellie Harden:mumbling or saying half words or just like saying what we want
Nellie Harden:them to say in this rush, tone, or whatever. But I contact a
Nellie Harden:clear voice saying what they are sorry for Right? Or what you are
Nellie Harden:sorry for maybe what you could have done differently and how
Nellie Harden:you hope to move forward. So there's what five, five pieces
Nellie Harden:their eye contact, clear voice, say what you're sorry for what
Nellie Harden:could have been done differently, and how you hope to
Nellie Harden:move forward. Those are five pieces to a great apology. Now,
Nellie Harden:if Uncle Bob is apologizing to you, and he doesn't hit all of
Nellie Harden:those steps, I don't need you critiquing him that's not going
Nellie Harden:to go well. Right? These are for these teaching moments or for
Nellie Harden:within our family. A lot of times we aren't going to be able
Nellie Harden:to budge Uncle Bob's apology, but but if you are the one
Nellie Harden:apologizing, that is a great frame of reference to have
Nellie Harden:following those five criteria right there. Again, eye contact,
Nellie Harden:clear voice say what you're sorry for how you could have
Nellie Harden:done things differently and how you hope to move forward. Okay,
Nellie Harden:and then resolve and just talk about it, and then do exactly
Nellie Harden:that move forward. Okay, so the next group are the willing and
Nellie Harden:unable and this is a very difficult group, and that
Nellie Harden:actually has been exacerbated and grown so much because of
Nellie Harden:COVID. That's been happening, but I really encourage you to
Nellie Harden:find a way with technology or whatever you can, because if
Nellie Harden:you're both willing, then there is a way I promise if you're
Nellie Harden:both willing, there is a way there's even carrier pigeons
Nellie Harden:friends. I'm not suggesting it but I'm saying there is a way.
Nellie Harden:Okay, so let's move on to our unwilling groups here. So we
Nellie Harden:have the people that are unwilling, but they're able. And
Nellie Harden:unfortunately, this is probably going to be a big group of
Nellie Harden:people, right? They don't want anything to do with it, you want
Nellie Harden:to talk about it, there's something bothering you. But the
Nellie Harden:the person on the other end is unwilling. They're able, but
Nellie Harden:they're unwilling. And so that's when you have to have a
Nellie Harden:conversation with your family, with your kids, and really talk
Nellie Harden:to them about how it affects you. Because I promise that your
Nellie Harden:kids are going to run into this in their lives, too. And they
Nellie Harden:are going to be looking for a roadmap. Okay, so I really
Nellie Harden:something, you know, really terrible happened, or I really
Nellie Harden:need to talk about this with that person, but they are
Nellie Harden:unwilling to talk to me, what do I do? Well, now is your teaching
Nellie Harden:moment. Remember, you're the architect and the 6570, these
Nellie Harden:beautiful 6570 days, that is their runway to adulthood, and
Nellie Harden:is your teaching and training zone, right? This is your high
Nellie Harden:impact, high influence time.
Nellie Harden:And this is when you can give them a lesson in this way. And
Nellie Harden:really, it's all about controlling what you can
Nellie Harden:control. So you cannot control somebody else that is unwilling,
Nellie Harden:right. But you can control yourself, you can get it off of
Nellie Harden:your chest, maybe that is journaling, writing a letter,
Nellie Harden:even, you know, to some degree, if it's at some degree going to
Nellie Harden:a therapist, right? I have heard people writing things and then
Nellie Harden:burning it right just to having these cathartic release moments,
Nellie Harden:writing it on a rock and throwing it into the ocean,
Nellie Harden:right? All of these things, if that other person is unwilling,
Nellie Harden:then you need to do something that is within your control in
Nellie Harden:order to release this because you don't want that other
Nellie Harden:person, that unwilling person to lock you in an emotional jail,
Nellie Harden:that you cannot release yourself from right there holding the
Nellie Harden:key. No, no, no, you hold the key to your own emotions, your
Nellie Harden:emotional, mental and physical well being okay. And so this is
Nellie Harden:a great lesson to teach our kids about controlling what you can
Nellie Harden:control and accepting what you cannot control. It's hard. But
Nellie Harden:there's many, many times that this is going to happen in life.
Nellie Harden:And then there's the unwilling and unable so there's something
Nellie Harden:there's some big big boundary, international lines or what have
Nellie Harden:you. And most likely, unfortunately, this the person
Nellie Harden:that you need to talk to you in this category might have passed
Nellie Harden:on, right. And that can be really hard to have unresolved
Nellie Harden:issues with somebody that has passed on. And so again, that
Nellie Harden:what you do about it goes back into the person that was
Nellie Harden:unwilling, unwilling, but able right there, this person is just
Nellie Harden:passed on. So they're unable, and but again, taking control of
Nellie Harden:what you can control and releasing that maybe that means
Nellie Harden:you apologizing to them, even though you absolutely know you
Nellie Harden:will never get an apology back from them. But you just need to
Nellie Harden:forgive them. And maybe apologize to them yourself.
Nellie Harden:Depending on what it was. There's so many different
Nellie Harden:situations that can happen out there. But maybe you need to
Nellie Harden:apologize, maybe you need to forgive them, even though they
Nellie Harden:didn't say sorry, again, just to get it off your chest. So you
Nellie Harden:aren't walking around in that emotional jail and under that
Nellie Harden:huge burden anymore. Just get rid of it. control what you can
Nellie Harden:control. You don't want to walk into 2022 with this, again,
Nellie Harden:burdening you, right? And speaking of 2022, you guys, if
Nellie Harden:you didn't listen to last week's episode, about planning for your
Nellie Harden:2022 and what you're going to do to pivot your future, and the
Nellie Harden:next year, go listen to that it is so good, and has some great
Nellie Harden:nuggets in it because I want 2022 to make a mark in your
Nellie Harden:family, right? If I was graphing with my kids earlier today, we
Nellie Harden:were doing distance and time graphs. We're doing motion and
Nellie Harden:physics. And so I have graphs on the brain. But if you have a
Nellie Harden:graph of your family and where you're going, I want 2022 to be
Nellie Harden:a pivot year for you, that sends you Soaring towards your
Nellie Harden:potential. And that takes planning and designing it does
Nellie Harden:not just happen by happenstance. Right? It takes intention. And
Nellie Harden:that's what we're doing in the 6570 we're waking up every
Nellie Harden:single day with intention. Will it always go the way that we
Nellie Harden:expected or wanted to go? Heck no, no way this is life after
Nellie Harden:all. This is family after all. There's in your family There is
Nellie Harden:more than you. So remember, we can only control ourselves. We
Nellie Harden:can teach and we can influence and we can impact others. But we
Nellie Harden:can only control ourselves. But within your family by you guys
Nellie Harden:taking the bull by the horns, so to speak, then are the reindeer
Nellie Harden:by the horns this time of year. But you can take control and
Nellie Harden:really set intention for 2022 and say, This is our year. So go
Nellie Harden:back and listen to episode 21. You guys. Alright, I know this
Nellie Harden:is a busy time of year. I don't want to take up too much of your
Nellie Harden:time. But I hope you have had and we'll have a fantastic
Nellie Harden:holiday season. And if you are not listening to this around the
Nellie Harden:holiday season, I hope you have a great day and week as well.
Nellie Harden:And no matter what time of year it is, there is always those
Nellie Harden:family dramas, right? Absolutely. So in the 65 seven
Nellie Harden:do you guys, we are always building discipline and
Nellie Harden:leadership today in order to shape tomorrow. And we are
Nellie Harden:elevating the family experience and building a foundation of
Nellie Harden:life for our kids. Remember, you
Nellie Harden:are the architect of this project. So happy building
Nellie Harden:everyone. Have a wonderful day and I'll talk to you soon. Thank
Nellie Harden:you so much for listening today. And I hope you were able to take
Nellie Harden:something from our discussion that you can use to build the
Nellie Harden:foundation of self love leadership in your own family.
Nellie Harden:If you are a parent with children 17 or younger, and
Nellie Harden:especially those around nine and up, I would love to extend an
Nellie Harden:invitation to you to the best club in town. The family
Nellie Harden:architects Club is a private club where intentional parents
Nellie Harden:go that want to love support, connect or reconnect and really
Nellie Harden:truly help guide their kids and teach them how to self lead in
Nellie Harden:discipline and leadership. This is an online community and the
Nellie Harden:you are welcome to it. Parenting is a project and you are the
Nellie Harden:architect of this one. You plan you design and oversee the
Nellie Harden:construction of the beginning of someone else's life. And that's
Nellie Harden:what goes into these first 6570 days. And it will be the
Nellie Harden:foundation for the rest of their lives. So come join the club.
Nellie Harden:You can find your invitation on the front page of my website
Nellie Harden:Nelly hardened.com That is ne ll ie H AR d e n.com. Thank you
Nellie Harden:again for being a part of this conversation today. And if
Nellie Harden:something really resonated with you, or if you have a question,
Nellie Harden:please don't hesitate to connect with me. You can find me on
Nellie Harden:Instagram at Nelly hardens. And lastly, if you love the
Nellie Harden:information, please please leave a five star review and a comment
Nellie Harden:so more and more families can be impacted by harnessing the
Nellie Harden:strength of these ideas and tools in their own families. So
Nellie Harden:thank you so much. Happy building you guys and I'll see
