Ep 455 - Are You Hiding Behind Your Partner

Ian Hawkins 0:02

Are you ready, ready to release internal pain to find confidence, clarity and direction for your future, to live a life of meaning, fulfillment and contribution to trust your intuition again, but something's been holding you back, you've come to the right place. Welcome. I'm a Ian Hawkins, the host and founder of The Grief Code podcast. Together, let's heal your unresolved or unknown grief by unlocking your grief code. As you tune into each episode, you will receive insight into your own grief, how to eliminate it and what to do next. Before we start by one request, if any new insights or awareness land with you during this episode, please send me an email at info at the Ian Hawkins coaching.com. And let me know what you found. I know the power of this work, I love to hear the impact these conversations have. Okay, let's get into it.

Back in my Fox Sports days, we used to do customer service. But wasn't really my job. But we also knew that our hardcore fans, if they ran the call center, the Foxtel call center which was a generic customer service, they might get someone who doesn't really have an idea about support. And so the diehards would find their way through to us to our offices. And I would take those calls anything from a basic request to the person who just wants blood because they missed out on their program. And they did they they well fired up. And I enjoyed those calls, because often they just wanted to be heard and then to be given to be pointed in the right direction. Not everyone, some want to pick a fight and I wouldn't pick a fight. But I wouldn't back down if we were in the right and I'd point him in the right direction to help anyway I could. The example though that always puzzled me was when these elderly couples would call up, I'm gonna say couples, it was always the woman who rang and they'll ask these questions. And when the answer that was coming back wasn't to the liking of the to the husband in the background. He chime in from behind. Try and like almost like a puppeteer trying to control the conversation. And I could never work it out. But I always say to them, if it got to that point and said, Is your husband there in the background? Can you put him on? Because they're not going to answer to him directly? And sometimes they wouldn't, sometimes they wouldn't. And I was thinking why, why why you need someone to make those calls for you. But I also think back to a time where I sometimes struggled to have the courage to make those calls to stand up for myself to find out what was going on. And have the freedom from ordering some food and it coming up coming back like being really poor and not going and saying something because I didn't want to make a fuss to having a product that I bought not not what it was supposed to be and again, just tolerate it. Even just with friends family just not standing up for myself. And it wasn't because I didn't want a different result it was just didn't have the tools didn't have the skills. Now what I know is is that if you stand behind your partner and let them speak for you and let them do some of the things that you know you should be doing. Then not only is it going to be to your detriment, but it's going to be the to the detriment of your relationship. A partnership should be a partnership standing side by side. Sure there are things that you'll each do differently. But you need to stand in your power. That is something that you need to ask about you want to ask about particularly you're gonna be there in the background chirping away and telling them what to say. Learning to stand up is going to be one of the most important things you will do not just for yourself but for your relationship as well. Because it's hiding it's hiding away from you stepping into the spotlight of I want to say spoiler I've just been yourself have been okay being yourself. And it's a product of learned from you witnessing that we've relationships and a product of you then perpetuating that by repeating the same pattern and not making the change. Now I'm going to talk from the male perspective because that's been my experience. It's so empowering. warn you to stand up for yourself, stand in your power. I'll give you one example of how it can play out. That concept of happy wife happy life. To me, that's just toxic. Because what you're saying is, you're just going to do whatever it takes to keep your wife happy, which is crap. You want your wife to be happy. But you want to be happy too. And if you're just doing everything you can to keep them happy at your expense, well, then that's just not going to work. And you'll lead not just letting yourself down, but you're letting them down to

when I was in, when I was in stallion business, I feel really uncomfortable doing on my own. Because it always been part of a team, I'd always done things with people. So I was trying to latch on to other people and build partnerships and create ways that I felt like I had a team. And really what I was doing was running away from me standing up for myself, me standing in my own power, because he didn't have the confidence. With Confidence comes his ability to stand in your own power. You don't have to hide behind anyone anymore. You won't have to give up your power, give up your happiness with this idea of keeping other people happy. Your partner's happiness is on them, Your happiness is on you. And the beautiful thing is when you look after your happiness, that of course, you're going to act in a way that's going to be in a positive way to your partner. If you're just doing it to keep them happy. And I get to work. And if you're trying to build something, create something that you feel like you need them to come along to give you comfort or validation or feel like you're not alone. Well, again, that's going to be to your detriment as well. You need to be able to stare down the barrel of life and go, I want you to come with me. By this, I know I need to do on my own and I will one way or the other. And if it's meant to be forever. If it's meant to continue this relationship, then it will work. Because I imagine you would never stand in the role of your partner pursuing their passion. So why would you let feel like you need to let them stand on the road of you and not be able to do this on your own. Because when you can stand in your own power, then you can find a way to dance together, we are always coming back to that connection. Not from a place of hurt, but from a place of love from a place of power. Where you're both empowering each other. It's a beautiful thing to step out from behind that shadow. Be your own person or your own man that your own woman, whatever it is, so you can build even better relationships.

I hope you enjoyed this episode of The Grief Code podcast. Thank you so much for listening. Please share it with a friend or family member that you know would benefit from hearing it too. If you are truly ready to heal your unresolved or unknown grief, let's chat. Email me at info at Ian Hawkins coaching.com You can also stay connected with me by joining the Grief Code community at Ian Hawkins coaching.com forward slash The Grief Code and remember, so that I can help even more people to heal. Please subscribe and leave a review on your favorite podcast platform