Why Do Men Visit Prostitutes?

Ian Hawkins 0:02

Are you ready, ready to release internal pain to find confidence, clarity and direction for your future, to live a life of meaning, fulfillment and contribution to trust your intuition again, but something's been holding you back, you've come to the right place. Welcome. I'm a Ian Hawkins, the host and founder of The Grief Code podcast. Together, let's heal your unresolved or unknown grief by unlocking your grief code. As you tune into each episode, you will receive insight into your own grief, how to eliminate it, and what to do next. Before we start by one request, if any new insights or awareness land with you during this episode, please send me an email at info at the Ian Hawkins coaching.com. And let me know what you found. I know the power of this word, I love to hear the impact these conversations have. Okay, let's get into it.

So I was running earlier. And my mind does a lot of processing while I'm running. And bear with me if you read the heading, and you're intrigued, and I was just thinking about something that I heard some years ago, that again, I don't know why it came to mind. But like I said, I do a lot of processing on my runs. And this concept of the people who have offered that service of prostitution were like healers in a way from a life that was talking, you know, hundreds of years ago, longer. In a life that was pretty brutal and, and challenging. And I got healers, again, bear with me. I don't know anything about this subject. Apart from what that one statement I heard and plus what I've learned about people now, why people are motivated to go and take on such a line of work, I don't know, I imagine that there would be an element of trauma involved in that. So I'm certainly looking at it through that lens, but also want to look at it from a lens of what might motivate a man to go and visit someone. So the the concept of healing is I imagine that there's a sort of nurturing quality that would take on a role like that. And I don't know if you've heard, but there's plenty of examples that I've heard anecdotally of a lot of men just go there to talk, or companionship, or whatever it is. And so this whole thought process is going through my head while I'm running, I'm thinking, I wonder how many men go there. Because in the rest of their life, they haven't had a safe experience with a female. And safe might mean a whole range of different thoughts and reasons and patterns for each different person. So I just want to share some of of the potential examples of why it could be and and if you think about your life, how you might apply that to your life in completely different realms, obviously. So, if many going, I don't know what percentage of men go just for conversation, or companionship, what, what are they not getting in the rest of their life. So from my experience of being a man, being married for a long time, 23 years now and working with a lot of men, is that men don't often find a place that feels 100% safe. And they may not mean physically safe, it may be but safe, to be able to speak their mind. Or say what needs to be said in a way that will get a safe response emotionally and mentally. Now when I say speak your mind, I'm not talking about just blowing off steam and yelling and all that sort of thing but more. For me, I love to externally process and it's a necessity. So my wife and I have had a lot of conversations around this is that sometimes I'm just talking and I'm babbling and it's just to get it out so I can process it and make sense have thoughts in my head because there's often a lot going on in there, as I'm sure a lot of you can relate to. If the reaction from a partner female, we're going to assume here is one of trying to fix or having expectations that it's not okay for you to be having struggles. And you might listen to that and go well am I if I if you're female, am I fixing? Or you might be saying? No, of course, it's okay. There is a there is such a hardwired programming around this from a societal perspective, from a patterning perspective that's been happening for generations and generations is that we say we need to create a safe space for men to be able to open up, but when they do, what's the reaction often, and I've experienced this myself, like I said, I've had these conversations with my wife. And sometimes when you're trying to be the rock, and trying to hold it all together, sometimes that gets really hard. And sometimes you just need to say, I'm going through this. And that doesn't mean that that my life's falling apart, and I'm not going to be able to continue to show up for you, it doesn't mean anything more than I'm experiencing something. And what I need is just someone to listen. And I'd be okay with that. Because it can be both, you can be experiencing a tough day, a tough week, a tough month, and yet still keep showing up and doing what needs to be done. It can be both. And I imagine for many of you, men in particular, you're doing that you're continuing just to get it done. But it doesn't mean it doesn't come to the point where sometimes you're just like, I can't keep doing this, it doesn't mean that you won't keep doing this, it just means that's the kind of point of frustration that you get to. So we come back to the point I raised that question is like how many men are going for conversation because they're not feeling properly heard. They're not feeling seen. How many going because it's a place where they feel like they can have conversations, expressed desires, that maybe they feel judgment on elsewhere, again, through no fault of their partner, necessarily, will no fault of anyone, but more just because of their uncomfortable talking about what it is that they actually want. And how many men have a fear around the different thoughts around how they are, how they should be worrying about what people might say, or think the amount of people, male and female, who have said to me a phrase or words to this effect. This is going to sound stupid, or this is going to sound dumb, or this is going to sound awful, or whatever it is. And it's like, no, it's not going to sound any of those things. It's going to sound like you're human. And you've been through some experiences, which has led you to think in a certain way, perhaps behave in a certain way. And that's okay, it's not your fault. It's not anyone's fault. It's a product of these patterns that are built in from a young age. So I'm certainly not here to make any judgment around prostitution, or rights, wrongs, anything like that. It's more just a reflection from something that is a reality in society. And through again, like I said, through the lens of well, what what is actually the motivation? So what is what is the lesson here for you in your day to day life? If you're the man, if you're the man, have you got a safe place to talk about the things that you need to talk about those things that you just hold? In all the time? Ideally, the best place for that would be with your partner. But do you feel fully safe to be able to open up that space? Or do you fear what the reaction might be? So you just keep it to yourself? And again, I say this from experience.

My wife and I've done a heap of work on ourselves. And we've worked through heaps of stuff like this. So this is certainly not pointing the finger at her. This is just the two of us learning together over the years and it's something that we have made a commitment to. It's not always perfect, far from But at times, and we still have times where we are not seeing eye to eye at all, we continue to find ways to move through this to be able to find more of that harmony. And we continue to do so because relationships are a dance, we go away and sort of learn our stuff. And then we come back and then we reconnect and, and that dance can happen many times over a day can be more spread out over a week or a month, depending on what you're going through at the time. But the important thing is coming back and having a commitment to be able to have those conversations to work out what happened there. And how do we do something differently. Because if you're having that same conversation again, and again, nothing changes, well, then nothing changes. And you're left feeling with the same frustrations or hurt or whatever else both of you. But being able to have that place to open up. And initially that may not be with your partner. And what I said on a previous episode, whether it's finding a coach or a psychologist, or a trusted friend or mentor that maybe is out side of your immediate circle far enough that you feel comfortable that you trust that you're able to open up about something. Because this, these words need to get out. energy in motion, a motion, talked about insulin on a post on my feed just last week. That energy needs to shift or it sits in your body turns into injury illness, pain, inflammation, all sorts of things. So we need to get that energy moving. And the fastest way to do that is by speaking the vibration of our voice, getting it out to making sure you've have that space. And until you have that space journaling is a great way of getting out but nothing shifts the energy faster. They'll be able to externally process through your voice, with the ultimate goal to be able to have those conversations with your wife together, or your husband, and be able to talk in a way where Sure, you may not agree with it everything he ever says but you can safely articulate things and be okay with whatever is said and then deal with whatever needs to be dealt with to get both of you and collectively interdependently to a better place.

So if you have a think about that thought process. Certainly not sharing this as a way to maybe create fear for you that maybe your husband might be or might be or whatever. But I do know that there have been people that I've worked with whoever their relationships have ended through no fault of one person. But because there were different things going on when needs weren't being met. And ultimately, the final event that leads to a breakup, maybe the fingers are pointed in one direction. But ultimately, people go don't just go and take action without there being some reason for it. Some need not being met. So ultimately comes back to me and my needs. Are my needs being met, my partner's needs being met. How can we find a way that we're both having our needs met in a way that we're not triggered? We're not having emotional reactions, but instead being able to have a calm conversation to connect deeper, build each other up and, of course, feel better about ourselves as well. I'll leave it there. Some things to ponder. Speak to you soon.

I hope you enjoyed this episode of The Grief Code podcast. Thank you so much for listening. Please share it with a friend or family member that you know would benefit from hearing it too. If you are truly ready to heal your unresolved or unknown grief. Let's chat. Email me at info at Ian Hawkins coaching.com You can also stay connected with me by joining the Grief Code community at Ian Hawkins coaching.com forward slash The Grief Code and remember, so that I can help even more people to heal. Please subscribe and leave a review on your favorite podcast platform