How to Heal: Criticism

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Hello, beautiful humans.

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Welcome to this series on how to heal.

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I'm Megan Conner,

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host of the Midlife Revolution podcast.

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This series is just intended

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to help give people some

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tools in their own healing journey.

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There are tools that I used

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in my own healing journey.

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I am not a licensed mental

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health professional.

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I'm just an expert in my own trauma.

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And

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And this is just meant for

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informational purposes.

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I like to share some of the

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tools that I picked up in

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my healing journey in the

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hopes that it can help other people.

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So one of the things that I

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have learned to do that has

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helped me the most in my

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communications with other

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people and in my healing

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journey is learning to give

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criticism without judgment.

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and learning to accept

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criticism without shame.

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I think this is especially

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important when we're on a healing journey,

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because we are going to

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receive feedback and

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criticism about our

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behaviors and things that

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are very personal to us.

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If we feel ashamed every

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time we receive criticism,

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it can cause us to react in

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dysfunctional ways.

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And one of the ways that we can

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avoid getting angry at

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people for giving us

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criticism is to accept it without shame.

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And I spoke in another video

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about radical acceptance

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and that practice is

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another way for us to stay

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away from the shame cycle,

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radically accepting that

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the criticism that we're

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being given might be

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accurate and then not

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shaming ourselves for it,

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but being curious about why

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this has occurred or why

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we've adopted a certain behavior and

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And just realizing that we're human beings,

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we're going to make

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mistakes and we could

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potentially have been doing

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something wrong, not wrong,

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but dysfunctional for our

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entire lives and not really realize it.

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And so accepting that

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criticism without shame

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allows space for us

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to heal from whatever the

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behavior was that we were

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practicing that was dysfunctional.

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So for example,

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every time the phone rings

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and I see a certain name on my phone,

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it makes me angry because

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that person is difficult to deal with.

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And I answer in a way that

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sounds like this instead of, hi,

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how are you?

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Sometimes we don't realize

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that we're doing things like that.

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And if the person on the

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other line criticized me by saying,

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every time I call you,

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it sounds like you're

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annoyed or frustrated.

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And I could just lash out and say, well,

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that is because I am

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annoyed and frustrated.

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Or I could just accept that

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criticism without shame.

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And make space for the fact

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that I might need to change

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the way that I relate to

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that person in some way so

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that we can have healthier

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and better interactions.

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It's also a really important

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skill to give criticism without judgment.

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And that requires us to be

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intentional with the words

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that we use when we're giving criticism.

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and to hold space for the

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other person's humanity,

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as well as trying to

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understand and have empathy

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for where they are in their lives.

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Understanding other people's

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behavior helps us

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understand our behavior as well,

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and being able to put

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ourselves in another

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person's shoes allows us to

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have some empathetic

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feelings for what they

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might be going through.

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So instead of throwing

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criticisms that are

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intended to be barbs or to hurt somebody,

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we can learn to give

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criticism in a

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non-judgmental way by saying,

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I understand that you might

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be feeling some irritation,

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but when you talk to me that way,

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it's hurtful.

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And that's just a good way

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to do it without making the

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situation inflamed or

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escalating the emotions

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that are going to come out and happen.

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As always, this is a practice.

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It's something that takes

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time and intention.

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And journaling about how to

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give criticism or

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journaling about criticism

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that you might have

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received is a really good

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way to unpack some of the

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feelings that come up for you.

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when you get criticized.

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A lot of times we have

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little things about

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ourselves that we know are not the best.

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And so when someone criticizes that thing,

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we already know it and we

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haven't done anything to change it.

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And so that makes us feel

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some additional shame and anger.

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So going through and

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examining some of our

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behaviors and our ways of

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relating to other people

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can be a really good way

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for us to avoid criticism

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or avoid dysfunctional

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relationships with other people.

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If we already know that

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we're behaving in a way

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that is not functional in a relationship,

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then digging into that

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behavior and being

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intentional about changing

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it can sort of head off

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these conflicts in the first place.

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So it can be really shameful

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for us when somebody pushes

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a button by criticizing

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something that we already

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are ashamed of ourselves.

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And so it's really important

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to get curious about those

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feelings and to try and unpack them.

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So I would love to say more

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about criticism and I will

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continue to say more in

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this series on how to heal.

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If you're having difficulty

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accepting criticism without shame,

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please mention it in the comments.

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Our community is a safe

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space for people who are

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trying to heal and our

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community members are

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really great about giving

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advice and support online.

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when we're struggling with something.

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I hope that you'll join us

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on the third Thursday at

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7pm Central for our live

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Q&A and community healing.

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And also on Monday mornings at 7am Central,

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where we talk about having

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great intentions for the week.

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And we

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just set an intention for

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making our week go smoothly

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and be successful,

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starting out with some

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positivity and some

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affirmations for ourselves

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and our community members.

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I hope you'll join us.

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I hope you'll share this

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with somebody who needs to hear it.

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And if you appreciate the content,

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please like the video and

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subscribe to the channel.

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I hope to see you again soon.

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Until then, be kind to yourself.