How To Heal: Radical Acceptance

WEBVTT

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Hello, beautiful humans.

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Welcome to the Midlife

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Revolution and this series

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on how to heal.

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I'm Megan Conner,

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and this series just lists

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some of the tools that I

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have in my toolbox that I

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used in my journey of

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healing from a lifetime of trauma.

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I'm not a licensed therapist

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or a mental health

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professional of any kind.

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I'm just an expert in my own trauma.

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And I'm hopeful that sharing

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some of these tools with

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you will give you some

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ideas about how you can

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have greater healing in your life.

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So today we're going to talk

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about radical acceptance.

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It's one of those concepts

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that helped me to heal the

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most because it allowed me

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to accept my circumstances

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as they were and

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instead of trying to

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constantly change my circumstances.

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Now,

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we do talk a lot on this channel about

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healthy and positive changes,

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and those are great.

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But sometimes we have

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circumstances in our lives

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that we can't change.

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All of us like to think that

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we're in control,

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but control is really just an illusion.

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And there is so much in our

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lives that we can't control

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that learning to accept that fact

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and embrace that fact can

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help us to move through

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difficult experiences a lot

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faster than if we stay

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stuck in the place of

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thinking that we can

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control things or change

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circumstances that are out

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of our control.

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So radical acceptance is a

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part of dialectical behavioral therapy,

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which is one of the healing

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modalities that is widely

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used with a lot of

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psychologists and psychiatrists.

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And it has sort of a

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specific proscriptive way

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to go through it.

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And I'm hopeful that by

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going through these,

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you'll learn to have this

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skill and use it in your healing process.

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So a lot of the information that I share,

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the technical information especially,

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I want it to make sure that

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it's really accurate.

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And so a lot of it I get

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from the website Psychology Today,

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where it is a peer reviewed

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website where psychologists

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can post articles about

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different healing

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modalities and different

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experiences that they've

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had in helping patients to

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heal from trauma and abuse.

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So this article was written

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in 2021 from Psychology Today,

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the one that I'm going to

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use to talk about

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dialectical behavioral

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therapy and the concept of

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radical acceptance.

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The first thing that they

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list is to acknowledge the present,

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to be mindful of your

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situation and pay attention

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to it in a non-judgmental way.

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Letting go of judgment can

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be really difficult,

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but it is really important to healing.

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Just examining and observing

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things without judgment is

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a skill that we can develop

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by just noticing behaviors

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or situations throughout

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the day and just being

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curious about it and say, huh,

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that's interesting.

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That comment really made me angry.

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I don't shame myself for being angry.

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I allow myself to be angry.

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And that's sort of a

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non-judgmental way to

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approach learning about

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your feelings and your

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emotions as they come up.

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So letting go of judgment is

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part of radical acceptance as well.

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You can improve this by

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being mindful and

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practicing meditation and

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being present in the moment.

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That requires you to sort of

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set aside your feelings and

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realize where you are and

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sort of take in the sensations, sights,

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and sounds of the things

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that are happening around you.

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So being mindful,

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paying attention in a

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nonjudgmental way is all

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about acknowledging the present.

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It doesn't mean that we're

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going to accept abusive or

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manipulative behavior,

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but it just means accepting

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the reality whether we like it or not.

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I might not like that this

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circumstance is happening,

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but this circumstance is in

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fact happening.

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And just accepting that is

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part of radical acceptance.

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The second step is to ask...

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The second step is to ask

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ourselves if we can control

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or change the situation.

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Now,

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control can be a little bit of an

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illusion.

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The only thing that we

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really can control is ourselves,

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our reactions,

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and the way that we think about things.

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So if we can't control what's happening,

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then we can release the

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idea of being angry about it.

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For example, if I'm waiting for a bus,

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I can't control whether or

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not the bus gets there on time.

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And so it's sort of useless

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for me to be anxious or

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angry if the bus is late

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because that's not

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something I can control.

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Radically accepting it

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allows me to release the

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anger and to not get

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emotionally activated about

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a situation that I can't control.

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Now,

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it can be painful to acknowledge that

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we're not in control

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because we really like that

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illusion and that feeling

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that we can sort of

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manipulate things to be the

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way that we want them to.

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But it can also be really

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freeing to realize when we

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can't control something,

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we can just let it go or

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let go the emotional attachment.

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that goes along with it.

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The third step is letting go of judgment,

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which we talked about already,

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but experiencing things as

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they actually are and

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practicing meditation in

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order to be present in the moment.

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The fourth step is to let

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the past be in the past,

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reminding yourself that

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there's nothing you can do

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to change what's already happened,

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whether it's good or bad,

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and realizing that

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that now all you can do is

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choose how you're going to

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think about those past

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experiences and realize

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that there's nothing you

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can do to actually change the experience.

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So again,

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the only thing that we really can

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change or control is the

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way that we think about

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things and the way that we

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relate to other people and

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the way that we show up in the world.

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The fifth step that they

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mention is to breathe.

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This may seem sort of oversimplified,

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but it's really effective.

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Learning to breathe and

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acknowledging breathing as

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an important part of

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healing and acceptance is really,

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really important.

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When we're in that sort of

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fight or flight mentality,

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we are going to get tensed.

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and we're going to forget to

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sort of release those negative feelings.

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So going through your body

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and noticing where you're holding tension,

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and then being able to

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release that tension.

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So when we're in a situation

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where we're having

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difficult emotions come up for us,

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taking some deep, slow breaths,

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and noticing tension and

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tightness in our body and

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releasing it can be a

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really good way for us to

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come back to the present

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moment and to be able to

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assess things in a more rational way.

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When we practice breathing,

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we become more relaxed and

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it just allows us to sort

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of reset our mind.

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The sixth step that they

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mentioned is to be patient.

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It says,

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choose to practice radical

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acceptance on a daily basis

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and understand that it

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takes time to master it.

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And I recognize this as well,

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it's definitely a practice and

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You can start with radical

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acceptance about very small

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things first before you

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start trying to practice it

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about larger things traumas

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in your past or situations

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with difficult people so

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like I mentioned the example of the bus.

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We can do the same thing

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when we're in traffic.

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In fact,

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I think that's one of the best

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ways to start because

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almost all of us have

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emotional reactions when

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we're in traffic or

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experiencing driving

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situations that are frustrating.

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So practicing radical

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acceptance just when you're

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driving is a really great

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way to start this behavior.

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So if you're sitting at a

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stoplight and it's not

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turning green and you're late for work,

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just say,

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I'm going to radically accept

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that I cannot drive.

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control when the light is

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going to turn green for me.

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And then as you're moving

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through traffic and someone

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cuts you off and you're

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tempted to be really angry about it,

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you can practice radical

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acceptance by saying,

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I'm going to radically

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accept that that person was

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a jerk and they cut me off

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and there's nothing that I

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can do about it.

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All I can do is control my

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own driving behavior.

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So it's a good way to get

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started in that practice.

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I hope that this has been helpful for you.

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And I would love to know in

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the comments the ways that

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you're practicing radical

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acceptance in your own life

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and whether or not you're

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having success with it.

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If there are parts of it

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that you're struggling with,

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I would love to be able to

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have the community answer

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comments as well.

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and let's show up for each

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other and support each

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other in this mental health

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journey of learning how to heal.

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Thanks for being with us,

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and I hope to see you again soon.