How To Hire A Therapist

WEBVTT

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Hello, beautiful humans,

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and welcome to the Midlife Revolution.

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I'm Megan Conner, your host,

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and today we're going to

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talk about how to hire a therapist.

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Whenever you are selecting

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somebody to care for your mental health,

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it absolutely should be

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like a job interview.

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It's so important that you

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connect with your therapist,

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but it's also really

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important that in the first

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place that you get

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connected with somebody who

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is qualified and competent

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and can really help you

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with your specific needs.

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Now,

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I've had a free how to hire a

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therapist guide on my

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website that you can

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download for a really long time,

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but it doesn't really cover

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all of the points of how to

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get started in this process,

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which can feel really

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daunting to some people.

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So I wanted to go through

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some of the preliminary

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steps that you go to

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before you get to the point

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where you're ready to start

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asking questions of the therapist.

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First of all, if you're new to the channel,

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please subscribe and please

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like the episode.

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Also please share it with

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anybody in your life who

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you think could benefit

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from the information.

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I am not a mental health professional.

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I'm not licensed.

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I'm just an expert in my own

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healing journey,

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which I share extensively

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on the podcast and on my YouTube channel.

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If you are willing to

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support the channel by becoming a member,

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that's one of the best ways

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to make sure that I'm able

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to continue to make this content.

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So let's dive into this topic.

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First of all,

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how do you even begin to find

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a therapist?

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A lot of people might think

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that they would go to their

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insurance company's website

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and just look for mental

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health professionals.

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And that certainly is one

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way that you can start.

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However,

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it's probably not the most time

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effective way.

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And also those therapists

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aren't always vetted by the

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insurance companies in thorough ways.

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They do have to go through

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some licensing requirements.

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in order to be presented by

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an insurance company.

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But we'll get to some of

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those things later.

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First of all,

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if you have a friend or a

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family member who has gone

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through some similar things

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as you and has had a

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positive experience with a therapist,

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that can be a great place to start.

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But I actually recommend

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that you start with yourself first.

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Sit down in a quiet space where you have

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a half an hour or so just to

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meditate a little bit about

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why it is that you're

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looking for therapeutic

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services and some of the

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symptoms and things that

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have been interfering with

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your daily life.

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If you can be as honest as

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possible about your

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negative feelings and

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behaviors and sort of list

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those things without shame,

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That is a really good place

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to start because then you

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have a comprehensive idea

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of what it is that you're

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looking for in the first place.

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So I would recommend just

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going through your day in

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your mind mentally,

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thinking about maybe

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yesterday or the day before

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or a day that you had a really tough day.

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and think about how your

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life is not as great as you

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want it to be right now and

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what you think that therapy

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can help you accomplish.

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For example,

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if you have a hard time

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getting out of bed in the morning,

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finding motivation,

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or if you're finding that

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the day-to-day things that you used to do,

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you just don't enjoy them as much,

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or if there's a hobby or

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pastime that you've

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recently quit because of

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just feelings of overwhelm

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or sadness or things like that.

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Obviously,

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if you've had a major life event,

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a major life change,

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if you've lost someone

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close to you or you've

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ended a relationship,

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those are all things that

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you would want to mention

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to your therapist.

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So you're going to want to

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list all of these things,

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symptoms and events in your

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life that you think that

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you might need help with.

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Be as concise as possible,

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usually in a preliminary

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call with a therapist.

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They don't want to spend a

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huge amount of time with

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you just seeing if you're going to fit.

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But you do want to give your

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therapist an idea of what

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they're going to be

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unpacking with you so that

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if they're not really

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suited to give you the kind

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of treatment that's going

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to help you most,

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they can refer you to someone who will.

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Nobody expects you to be

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super educated about

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different therapeutic

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modalities or different

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healing techniques that therapists use.

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But it is a really good idea

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to have a general idea.

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If, for example,

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you're dealing with

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childhood trauma and you

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know that already,

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then you're going to want

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to seek out someone who

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specializes in that.

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Sometimes it's good to just

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start the process with a therapist,

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knowing that after six months or so,

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you might need to change to

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someone who is more a

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specialist in a specific

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area or that practices a

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specific type of humanity.

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What I would recommend most, though,

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is that you don't put it

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off and that you just start,

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even though it feels like a

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daunting process,

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starting with this short

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meditation about symptoms and

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qualities that you're trying

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to change or difficult

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circumstances in your life,

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this is a really good place to start.

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It only takes a few minutes to do that.

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And it can just be one step

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in the process of beginning

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to hire a therapist.

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So after you've made your

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list of things that you

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want to talk with a

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therapist about or things

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that you want to dig into,

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the next thing is a

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The next thing,

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the next step in the

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process would be to start

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locating therapists in your area.

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And there's lots of

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different ways to do this.

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I mentioned before talking

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to friends and family

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members who've had positive

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experiences with therapists

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is a place to start,

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but knowing that your

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friends and family members

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may not have the exact same

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symptoms as you,

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or the same issues as you

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that you want to address.

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and knowing that the

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therapist that they've gone

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to may not be a specialist

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in the area that you need.

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So that can be a good place

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for suggestions.

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If nothing else,

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you could call that

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therapist that has been

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highly recommended and say, hey,

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this is what I'm looking for.

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Is that something you do or

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can you recommend me to someone else?

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So that's one place to start.

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Another place to start is by

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going to Google reviews in your area,

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looking for therapists in your area.

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For example, you can just go to Google,

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you can type in trauma

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therapists in my area,

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and it'll come up with all

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of the little dots that

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will tell you where these people are.

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Go ahead and click on the practice,

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go to their website,

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read their Google reviews and

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do as much research as you

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can on the therapy practice

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itself and on the

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therapists that are listed

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on their website as providers.

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And also, I can't stress this enough,

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go and read those Google

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reviews because a lot of

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times you might have a

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great therapist who's

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working at an office whose

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policies are not the best,

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or you might have a great

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group of therapists working

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in one location,

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but there may be negative

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reviews about a particular

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therapist in that group

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that has overall positive reviews.

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So you wanna really do some

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research into the

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therapists that are in your area.

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If you're looking for telehealth,

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you can obviously expand

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your search to a lot wider,

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a lot broader area.

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However, when you're starting therapy,

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I don't really recommend

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telehealth at first because

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there is a component of

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connection that happens

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live that doesn't really

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happen when you're just

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across a video screen from someone.

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My therapist went to

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telehealth after I began

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therapy and after I had

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been in therapy for a really long time.

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And that was fine for the

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fact that we had already

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had a relationship

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established at that time.

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And so it wasn't a problem

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for us to do telehealth.

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It didn't interfere with my

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therapeutic process.

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But I don't think it's a

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process that I would have

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been able to start without.

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over the video screen

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especially given the fact

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that I had so much trauma

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to dig into I really needed

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to be live in person with

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somebody your therapist is

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going to get a lot of

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information about your body

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language your tone of voice

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your inflections and things

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that they can't really

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observe on a video screen

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and so I think it's

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important to be in person

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at first if you possibly

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can be now if you're

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experiencing troubling

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symptoms and you need help right away

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Definitely some of those

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online resources can be really helpful,

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like the 988 hotline.

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And also there are some

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therapy apps where you can

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download an app and meet

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with a therapist over video call.

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And some insurance companies

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will even cover same day

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visits for those types of

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things if you're

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experiencing those types of symptoms.

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Now,

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once you have made a list of different

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therapists that you want to talk to,

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either through finding them

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on Google reviews or getting a referral,

00:09:13.759 --> 00:09:14.759

you can still,

00:09:14.799 --> 00:09:16.140

you can always go to the

00:09:16.360 --> 00:09:17.621

insurance company website.

00:09:18.062 --> 00:09:18.822

You can look at the

00:09:19.062 --> 00:09:20.464

providers that are covered

00:09:20.504 --> 00:09:22.524

by your insurance plan and

00:09:23.025 --> 00:09:24.647

then go and do the research

00:09:24.927 --> 00:09:26.587

to read reviews and other

00:09:26.648 --> 00:09:27.729

information about them.

00:09:27.808 --> 00:09:29.610

Do a lot of Google searching

00:09:29.669 --> 00:09:30.671

with the person's name.

00:09:31.313 --> 00:09:32.354

and therapy practice or

00:09:32.374 --> 00:09:34.475

their name and the word reviews with it.

00:09:34.995 --> 00:09:35.895

That's going to give you a

00:09:35.975 --> 00:09:37.076

lot more information than

00:09:37.115 --> 00:09:37.836

they're going to give you

00:09:38.136 --> 00:09:39.897

on your insurance company website.

00:09:40.417 --> 00:09:41.697

I would do the same thing.

00:09:41.717 --> 00:09:42.957

If you are going to

00:09:43.018 --> 00:09:45.239

psychology.com looking for

00:09:45.298 --> 00:09:46.700

therapists in your area,

00:09:47.480 --> 00:09:49.041

those therapists actually,

00:09:49.201 --> 00:09:50.480

most of them actually pay

00:09:50.561 --> 00:09:52.542

to be listed on psychology.com.

00:09:53.001 --> 00:09:54.363

And so I'm not really sure

00:09:54.403 --> 00:09:55.143

about what the vetting

00:09:55.163 --> 00:09:56.884

process is like behind the scenes,

00:09:57.423 --> 00:09:59.605

but if you're paying to be

00:09:59.664 --> 00:10:00.605

listed on a site,

00:10:01.160 --> 00:10:02.201

Generally speaking,

00:10:02.381 --> 00:10:03.462

there's not a lot of

00:10:03.482 --> 00:10:05.725

research that goes into listing someone.

00:10:05.845 --> 00:10:06.885

If they're licensed and

00:10:06.905 --> 00:10:07.726

they're credentialed,

00:10:08.087 --> 00:10:08.967

they're going to get listed.

00:10:09.028 --> 00:10:10.370

But just because someone has

00:10:10.450 --> 00:10:12.331

licensing and credentialing

00:10:12.792 --> 00:10:13.993

doesn't necessarily mean

00:10:14.033 --> 00:10:15.934

that they are competent or ethical.

00:10:16.397 --> 00:10:17.057

So it's really,

00:10:17.097 --> 00:10:18.619

really important to do some

00:10:18.798 --> 00:10:21.240

other research into those therapists.

00:10:21.802 --> 00:10:23.082

And here's where I just want

00:10:23.102 --> 00:10:24.323

to take a moment to say the

00:10:25.825 --> 00:10:27.626

mental health field is full

00:10:27.886 --> 00:10:29.488

of people on a very broad

00:10:29.528 --> 00:10:32.910

spectrum of health in their own world.

00:10:33.491 --> 00:10:35.232

Some therapists go into the

00:10:35.293 --> 00:10:36.394

mental health arena

00:10:36.474 --> 00:10:38.255

thinking that they're going to be able to,

00:10:38.375 --> 00:10:39.015

by study,

00:10:39.517 --> 00:10:40.918

fix and solve some of their own

00:10:40.977 --> 00:10:42.078

mental health challenges.

00:10:42.678 --> 00:10:44.541

And obviously that's not the case.

00:10:45.431 --> 00:10:46.511

It would be like a doctor

00:10:46.552 --> 00:10:47.793

going to medical school

00:10:48.232 --> 00:10:49.494

because he had a broken

00:10:49.614 --> 00:10:51.154

foot at one point and wants

00:10:51.215 --> 00:10:52.135

to know how to heal it.

00:10:52.196 --> 00:10:52.596

Well, sure,

00:10:52.655 --> 00:10:54.297

he could specialize in podiatry

00:10:55.038 --> 00:10:56.178

and all of those kinds of things,

00:10:56.239 --> 00:10:56.918

but that doesn't

00:10:56.958 --> 00:10:58.080

necessarily mean he's going

00:10:58.100 --> 00:10:59.961

to be competent at it just

00:11:00.020 --> 00:11:01.442

because he's had the condition,

00:11:01.682 --> 00:11:02.143

et cetera.

00:11:03.123 --> 00:11:04.464

It can be kind of a tricky

00:11:04.524 --> 00:11:06.885

place to find somebody who's competent.

00:11:06.926 --> 00:11:07.927

And that's why we're going

00:11:07.966 --> 00:11:09.268

through this in the first place.

00:11:09.847 --> 00:11:10.908

I've come across a lot of

00:11:10.948 --> 00:11:12.028

therapists who have not

00:11:12.089 --> 00:11:12.870

done their own work.

00:11:13.484 --> 00:11:14.105

And that's one of the

00:11:14.144 --> 00:11:14.924

questions that we're going

00:11:14.945 --> 00:11:16.466

to get to on the guide of

00:11:16.547 --> 00:11:17.628

how to hire a therapist.

00:11:18.068 --> 00:11:18.828

You're going to want to talk

00:11:18.849 --> 00:11:19.789

to them about their work

00:11:19.830 --> 00:11:20.490

that they've done

00:11:21.010 --> 00:11:22.352

personally on their own

00:11:22.413 --> 00:11:23.394

mental health issues,

00:11:23.953 --> 00:11:25.294

because all of us need some

00:11:25.336 --> 00:11:26.397

kind of guidance and help.

00:11:27.057 --> 00:11:28.118

None of us were raised by

00:11:28.177 --> 00:11:29.480

perfect parents in perfect

00:11:29.519 --> 00:11:30.961

environments where we had

00:11:31.000 --> 00:11:31.782

perfectly healthy

00:11:31.822 --> 00:11:32.743

relationships throughout

00:11:32.783 --> 00:11:33.582

our entire lives.

00:11:33.984 --> 00:11:35.065

So we're all going to need

00:11:35.085 --> 00:11:37.086

some guidance and direction in this area.

00:11:39.537 --> 00:11:40.717

The next thing I want to say

00:11:41.038 --> 00:11:43.419

is that there can be

00:11:43.440 --> 00:11:45.322

dangerous therapists out

00:11:45.341 --> 00:11:46.783

there who do real harm.

00:11:46.863 --> 00:11:48.063

We've actually seen some of

00:11:48.104 --> 00:11:50.245

these in the news lately, Jodi Hildebrand,

00:11:50.785 --> 00:11:51.647

Maurice Harker.

00:11:52.187 --> 00:11:53.428

There are a lot of

00:11:53.469 --> 00:11:54.408

therapists who have done

00:11:54.469 --> 00:11:55.710

real harm to their patients.

00:11:55.870 --> 00:11:56.730

And so it is really

00:11:56.791 --> 00:11:59.714

important to not only vet

00:11:59.774 --> 00:12:01.895

the person with reviews from other people,

00:12:01.975 --> 00:12:03.017

but also with your own

00:12:03.076 --> 00:12:04.577

research and by asking them,

00:12:05.014 --> 00:12:05.813

the questions that we're

00:12:05.833 --> 00:12:07.576

going to go over here in just a minute.

00:12:08.196 --> 00:12:09.296

I recommend that when you

00:12:09.356 --> 00:12:10.496

have your list ready and

00:12:10.517 --> 00:12:11.357

you're getting ready to

00:12:11.418 --> 00:12:13.438

call and talk to some therapists,

00:12:13.979 --> 00:12:15.539

you can just use this simple script.

00:12:16.000 --> 00:12:17.100

Hi, my name is Megan.

00:12:17.801 --> 00:12:19.162

I got your information off

00:12:19.763 --> 00:12:21.062

of your website for your

00:12:21.102 --> 00:12:23.524

practice and I read some of your reviews.

00:12:23.965 --> 00:12:27.447

I'm considering hiring you

00:12:27.506 --> 00:12:28.668

as a therapist and I would

00:12:28.707 --> 00:12:29.648

like to ask you some

00:12:29.727 --> 00:12:31.970

questions about your practice.

00:12:32.909 --> 00:12:34.230

Is now a good time to do that?

00:12:34.914 --> 00:12:35.075

Now,

00:12:35.134 --> 00:12:36.975

a lot of therapists will want you to

00:12:37.035 --> 00:12:39.716

schedule an appointment to get that done.

00:12:39.736 --> 00:12:42.357

If they want to charge you

00:12:42.557 --> 00:12:44.259

just for this initial process,

00:12:44.759 --> 00:12:46.360

I would be really skeptical of that.

00:12:47.019 --> 00:12:48.140

Most therapists will give

00:12:48.181 --> 00:12:49.980

you at least 15 or 20

00:12:49.980 --> 00:12:51.621

minutes of their time to

00:12:51.701 --> 00:12:52.662

just see if you're going to

00:12:52.701 --> 00:12:54.023

be some kind of a good fit,

00:12:54.322 --> 00:12:55.583

even if it's just on the

00:12:55.624 --> 00:12:56.764

phone and not in person.

00:12:57.203 --> 00:12:58.725

In person is better because again,

00:12:59.522 --> 00:13:01.121

You can read their body language.

00:13:01.182 --> 00:13:02.162

You can listen to their

00:13:02.201 --> 00:13:03.263

inflection and the way that

00:13:03.283 --> 00:13:04.403

they interact with you in a

00:13:04.442 --> 00:13:05.302

live environment.

00:13:05.842 --> 00:13:06.982

On the phone is okay,

00:13:07.003 --> 00:13:08.163

but in person is better.

00:13:08.903 --> 00:13:11.384

So once you get your list of

00:13:11.423 --> 00:13:12.504

therapists that you're going to call,

00:13:12.524 --> 00:13:13.504

you can use that simple

00:13:13.543 --> 00:13:14.804

script to set up an appointment.

00:13:15.345 --> 00:13:17.105

Or if it's a voicemail, you can say, hi,

00:13:17.144 --> 00:13:17.985

my name is Megan.

00:13:18.625 --> 00:13:20.505

I got your information from your website.

00:13:21.145 --> 00:13:22.926

I am looking for a therapist

00:13:23.326 --> 00:13:24.265

and I'm wondering if you'd

00:13:24.306 --> 00:13:25.285

be willing to sit down with

00:13:25.326 --> 00:13:26.787

me for 15 or 20 minutes so

00:13:26.826 --> 00:13:28.226

I can ask you a few questions.

00:13:29.557 --> 00:13:31.337

You can use whatever version

00:13:31.357 --> 00:13:32.999

of that script that you want to use.

00:13:33.899 --> 00:13:35.740

Then when you get in there,

00:13:36.041 --> 00:13:36.760

I'm going to share my

00:13:36.801 --> 00:13:37.902

screen with you so that you

00:13:37.922 --> 00:13:41.323

can see this list of

00:13:41.384 --> 00:13:43.825

questions as we go over them together.

00:13:44.809 --> 00:13:46.530

And you can use as many or

00:13:46.591 --> 00:13:48.711

as few of these questions as you want.

00:13:48.912 --> 00:13:49.212

Again,

00:13:49.232 --> 00:13:51.933

this list was given to me by my

00:13:51.974 --> 00:13:52.573

therapist.

00:13:53.695 --> 00:13:55.076

His name is Tom Efrid and

00:13:55.155 --> 00:13:56.496

his name is Tom and his

00:13:56.517 --> 00:13:57.177

contact email is right

00:13:57.197 --> 00:13:59.278

there on the screen for you.

00:14:07.005 --> 00:14:08.647

So if you want to reach out to him,

00:14:08.687 --> 00:14:09.147

you can.

00:14:09.346 --> 00:14:10.528

I've let him know that I'm

00:14:10.548 --> 00:14:12.528

going to be using this and

00:14:13.889 --> 00:14:14.990

he was totally fine with it.

00:14:15.049 --> 00:14:16.049

So he came up with these

00:14:16.110 --> 00:14:17.890

questions and this is

00:14:17.931 --> 00:14:19.051

something that he gives to

00:14:19.091 --> 00:14:20.412

people who are looking for

00:14:20.451 --> 00:14:21.471

therapy services.

00:14:21.491 --> 00:14:24.094

And this is all information

00:14:24.134 --> 00:14:25.874

that is really important to go over.

00:14:26.475 --> 00:14:27.855

So first of all, he says,

00:14:28.095 --> 00:14:30.096

information you have a right to know.

00:14:30.615 --> 00:14:31.876

When you come for therapy,

00:14:31.917 --> 00:14:33.937

you are buying a professional service.

00:14:34.488 --> 00:14:35.609

You have a right to full

00:14:35.649 --> 00:14:36.950

information about therapy.

00:14:37.490 --> 00:14:38.691

The list below deals with

00:14:38.730 --> 00:14:40.152

the most commonly asked questions,

00:14:40.231 --> 00:14:41.913

but many people want to know more.

00:14:42.393 --> 00:14:44.534

The more you know about your therapist,

00:14:44.674 --> 00:14:45.995

the better your work will go.

00:14:46.556 --> 00:14:47.976

So I would recommend reading

00:14:48.116 --> 00:14:49.378

over this list before you

00:14:49.418 --> 00:14:50.278

have your phone call with

00:14:50.339 --> 00:14:51.580

any potential therapists

00:14:52.299 --> 00:14:53.581

and maybe cross out any

00:14:53.620 --> 00:14:54.522

questions that you don't

00:14:54.562 --> 00:14:55.341

feel are important.

00:14:55.523 --> 00:14:56.822

Add some questions that may

00:14:56.863 --> 00:14:57.943

not be on here that you

00:14:57.964 --> 00:14:59.184

think you would like to go

00:14:59.264 --> 00:15:00.306

over with your therapist.

00:15:00.946 --> 00:15:02.967

And then just sort of go

00:15:03.008 --> 00:15:04.208

down the list as you're

00:15:04.229 --> 00:15:05.590

speaking with the potential

00:15:05.629 --> 00:15:08.192

therapist on your call list

00:15:08.751 --> 00:15:10.052

and make some notes about

00:15:10.113 --> 00:15:11.333

how they answer things that

00:15:11.374 --> 00:15:12.434

you liked or didn't like

00:15:12.475 --> 00:15:13.394

about what they said or

00:15:13.414 --> 00:15:15.116

something that resonated with you.

00:15:15.817 --> 00:15:18.038

So therapy and credentials

00:15:18.139 --> 00:15:19.720

is the first topic here.

00:15:20.299 --> 00:15:21.640

What will we do in therapy?

00:15:21.740 --> 00:15:22.422

In other words,

00:15:23.062 --> 00:15:25.203

is there a particular way that you handle

00:15:25.659 --> 00:15:26.140

therapy?

00:15:26.221 --> 00:15:28.184

Do we have exercises to do?

00:15:28.465 --> 00:15:29.447

Is there going to be writing

00:15:29.486 --> 00:15:30.128

and journaling?

00:15:30.248 --> 00:15:31.671

Is it just going to be talking?

00:15:32.351 --> 00:15:34.937

What are the expectations for that?

00:15:35.807 --> 00:15:37.389

What will I have to do in therapy?

00:15:37.808 --> 00:15:38.808

Do I just show up?

00:15:39.409 --> 00:15:41.110

Do you need me to bring notes with me?

00:15:41.831 --> 00:15:44.631

Should I take notes during the session?

00:15:45.392 --> 00:15:46.211

Those kinds of things.

00:15:46.972 --> 00:15:48.352

Could anything bad happen

00:15:48.373 --> 00:15:49.274

because of therapy?

00:15:49.774 --> 00:15:49.894

Now,

00:15:49.974 --> 00:15:51.313

I will tell you the answer to this

00:15:51.374 --> 00:15:52.995

question should be yes.

00:15:53.855 --> 00:15:55.495

If you're digging into trauma,

00:15:55.596 --> 00:15:56.817

it's really possible that

00:15:56.836 --> 00:15:57.557

you're going to bring up

00:15:57.616 --> 00:15:58.596

some feelings that you

00:15:58.636 --> 00:16:00.057

haven't felt in a long time

00:16:00.177 --> 00:16:01.238

or that you've pushed away

00:16:01.298 --> 00:16:02.019

for a long time.

00:16:02.698 --> 00:16:03.999

And it's possible for you to

00:16:04.099 --> 00:16:06.200

feel worse after your first

00:16:06.340 --> 00:16:07.700

few sessions of therapy.

00:16:08.220 --> 00:16:09.620

It's really important that

00:16:09.639 --> 00:16:10.779

your therapist give you an

00:16:10.899 --> 00:16:12.081

honest answer to this

00:16:12.140 --> 00:16:14.480

question and then let you

00:16:14.520 --> 00:16:16.721

know what they will do if

00:16:16.780 --> 00:16:17.961

you start to get worse.

00:16:18.701 --> 00:16:20.782

And so that question is in

00:16:20.822 --> 00:16:22.722

there just as a bit of a, I don't know,

00:16:22.822 --> 00:16:23.962

red flag detector,

00:16:24.482 --> 00:16:26.003

because a good therapist

00:16:26.043 --> 00:16:27.062

worth their salt should be

00:16:27.123 --> 00:16:28.123

willing to be honest with

00:16:28.163 --> 00:16:29.183

you about the fact that

00:16:29.203 --> 00:16:30.724

you're not always going to feel great

00:16:31.323 --> 00:16:32.524

after therapy is over.

00:16:32.965 --> 00:16:34.066

And it's possibly that you

00:16:34.125 --> 00:16:35.047

could get a little bit

00:16:35.106 --> 00:16:35.947

worse in the way that

00:16:35.988 --> 00:16:37.428

you're feeling before you

00:16:37.509 --> 00:16:38.328

start to get better,

00:16:38.929 --> 00:16:40.130

which is kind of the next

00:16:40.750 --> 00:16:41.552

set of questions.

00:16:42.471 --> 00:16:44.033

What will I notice when I'm

00:16:44.053 --> 00:16:46.075

getting better specifically?

00:16:47.155 --> 00:16:48.517

About how long will it take

00:16:48.557 --> 00:16:49.977

for me to see that I'm getting better?

00:16:50.477 --> 00:16:51.599

Will you have any tests?

00:16:51.999 --> 00:16:52.460

What for?

00:16:52.519 --> 00:16:53.159

What kind?

00:16:53.860 --> 00:16:54.880

How many of your clients

00:16:54.921 --> 00:16:56.282

with my problem get better?

00:16:56.743 --> 00:16:58.244

How many of your clients get worse?

00:16:58.729 --> 00:16:59.528

How many people with the

00:16:59.609 --> 00:17:00.950

same kind of problems I

00:17:01.009 --> 00:17:02.830

have get better without therapy?

00:17:03.429 --> 00:17:04.530

And how many get worse?

00:17:04.691 --> 00:17:04.951

Again,

00:17:05.131 --> 00:17:06.691

these are all questions that your

00:17:06.730 --> 00:17:07.731

therapist should be able to

00:17:07.832 --> 00:17:09.092

answer very honestly.

00:17:09.612 --> 00:17:10.732

They should be honest about

00:17:10.833 --> 00:17:11.873

their limitations.

00:17:12.313 --> 00:17:13.532

They should also be honest

00:17:13.593 --> 00:17:14.614

about timeframes.

00:17:15.114 --> 00:17:16.094

Some therapists will just

00:17:16.153 --> 00:17:18.355

say it takes how long it takes,

00:17:18.515 --> 00:17:19.615

which is the next question.

00:17:19.694 --> 00:17:21.736

How long will therapy take if they say,

00:17:21.776 --> 00:17:21.915

well,

00:17:22.583 --> 00:17:23.663

Some people are just in

00:17:23.683 --> 00:17:24.704

therapy for the rest of

00:17:24.724 --> 00:17:26.365

their lives if they have your condition.

00:17:26.865 --> 00:17:28.207

That to me is a red flag.

00:17:28.847 --> 00:17:30.588

Tom always told me that his

00:17:30.648 --> 00:17:32.009

goal for me in therapy was

00:17:32.089 --> 00:17:33.671

for me not to ever need him again.

00:17:34.310 --> 00:17:35.873

And I think most competent

00:17:35.913 --> 00:17:37.473

therapists should be able

00:17:37.513 --> 00:17:39.615

to say that that's the case.

00:17:40.715 --> 00:17:41.977

It's not really reasonable

00:17:42.057 --> 00:17:43.298

for them to give you over

00:17:43.337 --> 00:17:44.378

the phone the first time

00:17:44.419 --> 00:17:45.499

they're meeting you a time

00:17:45.579 --> 00:17:47.300

frame on when you're going to be,

00:17:47.421 --> 00:17:48.882

quote unquote, completely healed.

00:17:49.462 --> 00:17:51.023

None of us are completely healed.

00:17:51.423 --> 00:17:52.564

But I can tell you in

00:17:52.624 --> 00:17:53.964

working with my therapist,

00:17:54.625 --> 00:17:55.684

after we'd worked together

00:17:55.765 --> 00:17:57.685

intensively for about 18 months,

00:17:57.885 --> 00:17:59.906

I was feeling significantly better.

00:18:00.866 --> 00:18:03.508

My life was much improved.

00:18:03.587 --> 00:18:05.409

My quality of life was much improved.

00:18:06.048 --> 00:18:07.348

And I was having negative

00:18:07.388 --> 00:18:09.569

symptoms very little of the time.

00:18:10.603 --> 00:18:11.183

At that point,

00:18:11.223 --> 00:18:12.724

we just set up a system for

00:18:12.744 --> 00:18:13.826

me to check in with him

00:18:13.885 --> 00:18:15.926

when I needed to go back

00:18:16.027 --> 00:18:17.208

over something or when I

00:18:17.268 --> 00:18:19.190

needed to revisit or when I

00:18:19.230 --> 00:18:21.112

needed to dig into something new.

00:18:21.551 --> 00:18:22.732

And so then it was just on a

00:18:22.792 --> 00:18:24.013

case-by-case basis.

00:18:24.473 --> 00:18:25.535

And things do come up.

00:18:25.575 --> 00:18:27.296

Things still come up for me all the time.

00:18:27.316 --> 00:18:29.218

I do still have to go see

00:18:29.258 --> 00:18:30.419

him from time to time,

00:18:30.778 --> 00:18:32.780

but I don't need him on a regular basis.

00:18:33.240 --> 00:18:34.402

And our visits are getting

00:18:34.442 --> 00:18:36.163

farther and farther in between.

00:18:36.644 --> 00:18:38.025

And so that, to me, is...

00:18:39.433 --> 00:18:42.016

good progress in therapy on

00:18:42.076 --> 00:18:44.278

some very tough issues to work with.

00:18:44.999 --> 00:18:46.519

And it was realistic

00:18:46.700 --> 00:18:48.000

expectation that at some

00:18:48.080 --> 00:18:49.122

point I'm going to need him

00:18:49.182 --> 00:18:49.782

less and less.

00:18:50.303 --> 00:18:51.644

And I think most therapists

00:18:51.664 --> 00:18:52.625

should be able to say

00:18:52.704 --> 00:18:54.166

something similar to that

00:18:54.207 --> 00:18:55.228

when you're talking about

00:18:55.367 --> 00:18:56.388

the amount of time you're

00:18:56.409 --> 00:18:57.269

going to be in therapy.

00:18:58.730 --> 00:19:00.132

What should I do if I feel

00:19:00.172 --> 00:19:01.252

therapy isn't working?

00:19:02.288 --> 00:19:04.050

All therapists should be willing to say,

00:19:04.070 --> 00:19:05.372

if I'm not helping you,

00:19:05.511 --> 00:19:06.553

I'm going to refer you out

00:19:06.573 --> 00:19:07.574

to someone I think you'll

00:19:07.594 --> 00:19:08.275

work with better.

00:19:10.276 --> 00:19:11.637

They shouldn't be afraid to

00:19:11.718 --> 00:19:13.078

let you go as a client if

00:19:13.118 --> 00:19:14.059

things are not clicking.

00:19:15.461 --> 00:19:16.481

And by the same token,

00:19:17.142 --> 00:19:19.103

you should not be afraid to

00:19:19.643 --> 00:19:21.183

be honest with your therapist and say,

00:19:21.423 --> 00:19:22.345

I really don't feel like

00:19:22.384 --> 00:19:23.144

I'm getting better.

00:19:23.904 --> 00:19:25.326

And I feel like maybe I need

00:19:25.365 --> 00:19:26.527

to work with somebody else

00:19:26.686 --> 00:19:27.988

or work in a different way

00:19:28.208 --> 00:19:30.308

or do a different healing modality.

00:19:30.868 --> 00:19:31.970

And once you get into the

00:19:31.990 --> 00:19:33.369

therapeutic process and you

00:19:33.410 --> 00:19:34.810

start addressing issues,

00:19:35.612 --> 00:19:37.031

then you can kind of start

00:19:37.092 --> 00:19:38.333

to research different

00:19:38.612 --> 00:19:40.653

therapy modalities if you

00:19:40.692 --> 00:19:42.134

feel like things aren't working well.

00:19:42.575 --> 00:19:44.096

And then you can sort of go

00:19:44.115 --> 00:19:45.336

to your therapist and say, hey,

00:19:45.375 --> 00:19:46.416

I've been looking into this.

00:19:46.457 --> 00:19:47.678

Do you think this would help me?

00:19:48.218 --> 00:19:49.138

And you guys can have that

00:19:49.179 --> 00:19:50.259

conversation together.

00:19:51.599 --> 00:19:52.621

How much training and

00:19:52.681 --> 00:19:53.942

experience do you have?

00:19:53.961 --> 00:19:54.902

Do you have a license?

00:19:54.962 --> 00:19:56.703

What are your other qualifications?

00:19:57.423 --> 00:19:58.984

And that's something that

00:19:59.345 --> 00:20:00.405

all therapists should be

00:20:00.465 --> 00:20:01.346

really open about.

00:20:01.487 --> 00:20:03.887

You can and should go to the

00:20:03.968 --> 00:20:04.848

state licensing

00:20:05.430 --> 00:20:06.872

registration board and look

00:20:06.892 --> 00:20:07.972

them up and make sure that

00:20:07.992 --> 00:20:09.153

their license is current

00:20:09.674 --> 00:20:10.635

and also make sure that

00:20:10.655 --> 00:20:12.438

they don't have any pending

00:20:12.518 --> 00:20:14.539

complaints or past

00:20:14.640 --> 00:20:16.501

suspensions or revocations

00:20:16.561 --> 00:20:18.423

of licensing in your state.

00:20:19.067 --> 00:20:20.769

It might also be helpful to

00:20:20.789 --> 00:20:22.392

Google your therapist's

00:20:22.491 --> 00:20:24.634

name along with license

00:20:24.674 --> 00:20:26.156

restriction or license

00:20:26.196 --> 00:20:27.478

revocation and leave the

00:20:27.538 --> 00:20:28.880

state blank so that you can

00:20:28.940 --> 00:20:30.961

then see if it's possible

00:20:30.981 --> 00:20:31.903

that they had something

00:20:31.963 --> 00:20:33.085

happen in another state.

00:20:33.726 --> 00:20:35.007

I don't know how common that is,

00:20:35.086 --> 00:20:35.989

but that's definitely

00:20:36.048 --> 00:20:36.930

something that I would do.

00:20:37.943 --> 00:20:39.505

And then these last two

00:20:39.565 --> 00:20:42.025

questions are pretty

00:20:42.065 --> 00:20:44.685

specific to your therapist

00:20:44.746 --> 00:20:46.287

and the answers that they

00:20:46.326 --> 00:20:47.926

give are or are not going

00:20:47.946 --> 00:20:48.887

to be satisfactory

00:20:48.948 --> 00:20:50.627

depending on what your own

00:20:51.147 --> 00:20:52.528

morals and values are.

00:20:53.048 --> 00:20:54.309

So if you ask your therapist

00:20:54.349 --> 00:20:55.329

about what kind of morals

00:20:55.390 --> 00:20:56.410

and values do you have,

00:20:56.430 --> 00:20:57.170

they should be able to

00:20:57.230 --> 00:20:59.451

speak confidently about the

00:20:59.490 --> 00:21:01.571

fact that they find family

00:21:01.612 --> 00:21:03.772

very important or if

00:21:03.813 --> 00:21:05.173

they're religious in any way,

00:21:05.353 --> 00:21:07.013

if that is going to impact their

00:21:07.753 --> 00:21:09.375

therapy provision for you.

00:21:10.474 --> 00:21:13.316

If they have any kind of

00:21:13.695 --> 00:21:14.476

idea that they're going to

00:21:14.536 --> 00:21:16.576

try to impose their religious view on you,

00:21:16.696 --> 00:21:17.656

I would run out of the

00:21:17.737 --> 00:21:19.678

office and not walk because

00:21:19.998 --> 00:21:21.999

therapists are not supposed

00:21:22.019 --> 00:21:24.278

to impose their worldview

00:21:24.338 --> 00:21:25.559

or their religious view on

00:21:25.599 --> 00:21:26.779

their patients at all.

00:21:26.900 --> 00:21:28.800

It's really unethical for them to do that.

00:21:29.461 --> 00:21:30.560

And religion should only

00:21:30.622 --> 00:21:31.741

come into the discussion if

00:21:32.647 --> 00:21:34.528

you're wanting help figuring

00:21:34.568 --> 00:21:36.829

out your spirituality or if

00:21:37.289 --> 00:21:38.550

your religious values are

00:21:38.590 --> 00:21:39.672

really important to you and

00:21:39.711 --> 00:21:40.892

you want to include that in

00:21:40.912 --> 00:21:42.093

the therapeutic process.

00:21:42.512 --> 00:21:43.713

That's an important thing to

00:21:44.013 --> 00:21:44.794

mention as well.

00:21:45.394 --> 00:21:46.954

And then to whom can I talk

00:21:47.015 --> 00:21:48.135

if I have a complaint about

00:21:48.195 --> 00:21:50.037

therapy that you and I can't work out?

00:21:50.557 --> 00:21:50.896

Of course,

00:21:51.057 --> 00:21:52.758

every state has a licensing board,

00:21:53.138 --> 00:21:54.259

but a lot of therapists

00:21:54.338 --> 00:21:55.980

work within a practice that

00:21:56.059 --> 00:21:57.401

is headed up by a

00:21:57.441 --> 00:21:59.501

practitioner who is very experienced.

00:22:00.019 --> 00:22:02.324

And generally speaking, if that's the case,

00:22:02.384 --> 00:22:03.566

you should be able to talk

00:22:03.645 --> 00:22:04.988

with the person running the

00:22:05.008 --> 00:22:06.431

practice about the

00:22:06.510 --> 00:22:07.853

individual therapists who

00:22:07.932 --> 00:22:09.476

are representing the practice,

00:22:10.056 --> 00:22:10.837

if that makes sense.

00:22:12.117 --> 00:22:12.818

This, again,

00:22:12.858 --> 00:22:13.859

should be a question that your

00:22:13.900 --> 00:22:14.921

therapist should answer

00:22:15.020 --> 00:22:16.102

honestly and they should

00:22:16.142 --> 00:22:18.484

not be afraid of you

00:22:18.585 --> 00:22:20.567

complaining to somebody if

00:22:20.646 --> 00:22:21.748

things are not going well

00:22:21.867 --> 00:22:23.528

in your therapeutic relationship.

00:22:24.170 --> 00:22:25.510

If they are afraid of that,

00:22:25.932 --> 00:22:27.232

that's a red flag right there.

00:22:27.593 --> 00:22:28.894

If they're not willing to

00:22:28.934 --> 00:22:29.875

give you the information

00:22:29.915 --> 00:22:31.176

about who you can complain to.

00:22:31.896 --> 00:22:33.198

that's another red flag so

00:22:33.357 --> 00:22:34.459

the answers to all of these

00:22:34.519 --> 00:22:35.819

questions are just you kind

00:22:35.859 --> 00:22:37.039

of assessing what kind of a

00:22:37.119 --> 00:22:38.101

person are they what kind

00:22:38.121 --> 00:22:39.481

of a professional are they

00:22:40.142 --> 00:22:41.002

are we going to be able to

00:22:41.042 --> 00:22:42.763

work out differences with

00:22:42.824 --> 00:22:44.265

each other and are things

00:22:44.444 --> 00:22:45.546

going to go smoothly in

00:22:45.586 --> 00:22:46.906

that arena or am I going to

00:22:46.946 --> 00:22:49.567

be facing a struggle trying

00:22:49.627 --> 00:22:50.648

to get what I need out of

00:22:50.689 --> 00:22:51.410

this therapeutic

00:22:51.430 --> 00:22:56.093

relationship now about therapy and help

00:22:57.190 --> 00:22:57.770

Section B,

00:22:58.191 --> 00:22:59.832

what other types of therapy or

00:22:59.932 --> 00:23:01.753

help are available for my problems?

00:23:02.334 --> 00:23:03.414

How often do these other

00:23:03.454 --> 00:23:04.415

methods help people with

00:23:04.455 --> 00:23:05.356

problems like mine?

00:23:05.836 --> 00:23:07.018

What are the risks or limits

00:23:07.137 --> 00:23:08.239

of these other methods?

00:23:08.298 --> 00:23:08.419

Now,

00:23:08.459 --> 00:23:10.201

this is something that you're kind of

00:23:10.260 --> 00:23:11.801

digging a little bit deeper here.

00:23:12.883 --> 00:23:14.765

Instead of who the therapist

00:23:14.845 --> 00:23:16.165

is and what their process is,

00:23:16.185 --> 00:23:17.467

you're talking now more

00:23:17.946 --> 00:23:18.887

about your specific

00:23:18.928 --> 00:23:20.829

condition and different

00:23:20.869 --> 00:23:22.691

healing modalities for that condition.

00:23:22.750 --> 00:23:24.532

That may not be something that you're

00:23:25.046 --> 00:23:26.226

potential therapist is

00:23:26.286 --> 00:23:27.686

willing to dig into on a

00:23:27.787 --> 00:23:30.146

free visit or free first consultation,

00:23:30.686 --> 00:23:31.587

but they should at least be

00:23:31.627 --> 00:23:32.488

able to give you some

00:23:32.548 --> 00:23:34.528

general answers to those questions.

00:23:35.949 --> 00:23:37.308

It's also important to talk

00:23:37.348 --> 00:23:38.749

about section C here,

00:23:39.249 --> 00:23:40.490

how you set up appointments,

00:23:40.569 --> 00:23:42.049

how long the sessions are,

00:23:43.711 --> 00:23:44.611

if you have to pay,

00:23:44.691 --> 00:23:45.851

if you need a longer session,

00:23:45.891 --> 00:23:47.351

or if your session runs over,

00:23:47.872 --> 00:23:49.711

what their policies are for cancellation,

00:23:49.811 --> 00:23:50.511

things like that.

00:23:51.332 --> 00:23:52.913

How can I reach you in an emergency?

00:23:53.894 --> 00:23:55.015

This is an important one

00:23:55.075 --> 00:23:56.776

because some therapists will say, well,

00:23:56.796 --> 00:23:58.435

you can't reach me in an emergency.

00:23:58.576 --> 00:24:00.257

These are my office hours at the end.

00:24:01.018 --> 00:24:02.338

But it's important for them

00:24:02.378 --> 00:24:03.858

to have a resource for you

00:24:03.999 --> 00:24:05.259

if there is an emergency.

00:24:06.080 --> 00:24:07.961

Like number four, if I can't reach you,

00:24:08.142 --> 00:24:09.221

to whom can I talk?

00:24:10.123 --> 00:24:12.203

And then number five,

00:24:12.243 --> 00:24:12.923

what happens if the

00:24:12.963 --> 00:24:13.964

weather's bad or I'm sick

00:24:14.005 --> 00:24:15.224

and can't come to an appointment?

00:24:15.326 --> 00:24:17.426

Cancellation policy and

00:24:17.507 --> 00:24:19.768

charging for those types of situations.

00:24:19.867 --> 00:24:21.568

They should be very clear with you.

00:24:22.309 --> 00:24:23.750

about how you're going to

00:24:23.790 --> 00:24:25.511

pay for therapy and what

00:24:25.531 --> 00:24:26.553

their policies are

00:24:26.853 --> 00:24:28.213

regarding all of those things.

00:24:28.713 --> 00:24:31.276

Now, not all therapists take insurance.

00:24:31.516 --> 00:24:32.596

And so it's important to

00:24:32.676 --> 00:24:34.238

note that some therapists

00:24:34.278 --> 00:24:35.719

may work on a sliding scale.

00:24:36.019 --> 00:24:37.220

If you have insurance or

00:24:37.259 --> 00:24:38.121

don't have insurance,

00:24:38.580 --> 00:24:39.701

they may work on a sliding

00:24:39.741 --> 00:24:40.623

scale according to your

00:24:40.762 --> 00:24:42.864

income if you don't have insurance.

00:24:43.505 --> 00:24:44.684

And they may be willing to

00:24:44.785 --> 00:24:48.807

offer you some kind of a, you know,

00:24:48.827 --> 00:24:50.189

a rate that they're willing

00:24:50.229 --> 00:24:51.349

to work with you on

00:24:51.971 --> 00:24:53.292

if they don't take insurance.

00:24:53.492 --> 00:24:54.713

And so that's important to

00:24:54.753 --> 00:24:55.854

get that out of the way in

00:24:55.894 --> 00:24:56.595

the first place.

00:24:57.275 --> 00:24:58.576

And if the financial

00:24:58.615 --> 00:24:59.955

situation isn't going to

00:25:00.016 --> 00:25:01.136

work out with a therapist,

00:25:01.557 --> 00:25:02.698

that's a significant part

00:25:02.738 --> 00:25:03.678

of your relationship.

00:25:04.239 --> 00:25:05.278

And so it's important to

00:25:05.318 --> 00:25:07.240

work with a therapist that

00:25:07.259 --> 00:25:09.060

you can also work with financially.

00:25:09.902 --> 00:25:11.162

You don't want to add the

00:25:11.221 --> 00:25:12.202

additional stress

00:25:13.089 --> 00:25:14.769

of having a financial

00:25:14.910 --> 00:25:16.171

situation that doesn't work

00:25:16.270 --> 00:25:17.411

out and you end up owing

00:25:17.451 --> 00:25:18.851

more money than you thought you did,

00:25:19.050 --> 00:25:20.071

or they end up billing

00:25:20.112 --> 00:25:20.832

differently than you

00:25:20.872 --> 00:25:21.991

thought or something like that.

00:25:22.051 --> 00:25:24.452

It's just a hassle that you don't need.

00:25:24.952 --> 00:25:26.492

So if somebody doesn't have

00:25:26.512 --> 00:25:28.093

a written payment policy

00:25:28.113 --> 00:25:30.193

that is very clear and easy to understand,

00:25:30.733 --> 00:25:31.854

I would take a pass on that

00:25:31.913 --> 00:25:32.614

person as well.

00:25:34.035 --> 00:25:35.335

About confidentiality.

00:25:36.686 --> 00:25:37.987

What kind of records do you

00:25:38.007 --> 00:25:39.847

keep about my therapy?

00:25:40.067 --> 00:25:41.548

Who is allowed to read those records?

00:25:42.048 --> 00:25:43.148

Are there times you have to

00:25:43.189 --> 00:25:44.049

tell others about the

00:25:44.089 --> 00:25:45.690

personal things we might talk about?

00:25:45.890 --> 00:25:47.671

What are the limits of confidentiality?

00:25:48.310 --> 00:25:50.231

And again, how do I file a complaint?

00:25:50.951 --> 00:25:51.172

Now,

00:25:51.471 --> 00:25:53.353

confidentiality in the therapeutic

00:25:53.413 --> 00:25:55.614

relationship, generally speaking,

00:25:55.634 --> 00:25:56.874

therapists have to keep

00:25:56.933 --> 00:25:58.214

what you tell them confidential,

00:25:58.255 --> 00:25:59.035

but there are some

00:25:59.095 --> 00:26:01.296

situations like if you are

00:26:01.336 --> 00:26:02.215

thinking about harming

00:26:02.256 --> 00:26:03.557

yourself or someone else,

00:26:03.636 --> 00:26:04.777

they have to report that.

00:26:05.634 --> 00:26:16.202

and if you are or if the

00:26:16.663 --> 00:26:18.365

records of your therapeutic

00:26:18.404 --> 00:26:19.945

sessions get subpoenaed by

00:26:20.006 --> 00:26:21.788

a court order of some kind.

00:26:22.307 --> 00:26:23.769

So the therapist should be

00:26:23.829 --> 00:26:25.371

very honest with you about

00:26:25.391 --> 00:26:27.392

the limitations of the confidentiality.

00:26:28.252 --> 00:26:29.433

They don't have to report

00:26:30.046 --> 00:26:33.528

self-harm ideation in every instance,

00:26:33.807 --> 00:26:35.450

but there are limits of that.

00:26:35.470 --> 00:26:37.009

And that's really important

00:26:37.050 --> 00:26:38.050

for you and your therapist

00:26:38.070 --> 00:26:39.291

to understand together,

00:26:39.332 --> 00:26:40.732

especially if that's one of

00:26:40.772 --> 00:26:42.554

the symptoms that you're experiencing.

00:26:43.034 --> 00:26:43.894

It's really important to

00:26:43.954 --> 00:26:45.635

have that clear at the very

00:26:45.695 --> 00:26:47.836

beginning and so that you

00:26:47.916 --> 00:26:49.357

feel comfortable sharing

00:26:49.538 --> 00:26:50.719

exactly how you feel and

00:26:50.739 --> 00:26:51.539

you're not trying to

00:26:51.660 --> 00:26:53.461

minimize symptoms or

00:26:53.520 --> 00:26:56.303

dismiss symptoms that are

00:26:56.522 --> 00:26:58.223

really important for you to talk about.

00:26:59.782 --> 00:27:01.483

Diving back into money here,

00:27:02.084 --> 00:27:03.285

what will you charge me for

00:27:03.345 --> 00:27:04.025

each appointment?

00:27:04.244 --> 00:27:05.445

When do you want to be paid?

00:27:05.566 --> 00:27:06.465

Do I need to pay for an

00:27:06.486 --> 00:27:07.586

appointment I didn't come

00:27:07.626 --> 00:27:10.988

to or if I call you and cancel it?

00:27:11.848 --> 00:27:12.888

What I would add in here,

00:27:12.929 --> 00:27:14.329

what happens if you cancel

00:27:14.349 --> 00:27:16.030

an appointment or if you're

00:27:16.090 --> 00:27:17.171

late to an appointment?

00:27:18.031 --> 00:27:19.231

Do I need to pay for phone

00:27:19.271 --> 00:27:20.932

calls or text messages?

00:27:21.472 --> 00:27:23.374

Will you ever raise the fee you charge me?

00:27:23.534 --> 00:27:23.814

When?

00:27:23.913 --> 00:27:25.335

How much notice will I be given?

00:27:25.961 --> 00:27:27.443

If I lose some of my income,

00:27:27.503 --> 00:27:28.665

can my fee be lowered?

00:27:29.165 --> 00:27:31.288

If I don't pay my bill, what will you do?

00:27:31.950 --> 00:27:34.492

These are all questions to ask.

00:27:34.972 --> 00:27:36.434

They may not be totally

00:27:36.715 --> 00:27:38.136

appropriate for the very

00:27:38.298 --> 00:27:39.880

first session that you're

00:27:39.900 --> 00:27:42.643

going to just vet out your therapist,

00:27:42.682 --> 00:27:43.703

but they should at least be

00:27:43.784 --> 00:27:44.826

able to share with you

00:27:45.393 --> 00:27:46.432

their written policies.

00:27:46.492 --> 00:27:48.134

And it could be easier for

00:27:48.173 --> 00:27:48.834

them to just say,

00:27:48.854 --> 00:27:50.355

I'm going to email you my

00:27:50.394 --> 00:27:51.214

payment policies.

00:27:51.234 --> 00:27:52.214

I'm going to email you my

00:27:52.255 --> 00:27:53.355

cancellation policies.

00:27:53.375 --> 00:27:54.316

I'm going to email you my

00:27:54.355 --> 00:27:55.776

confidentiality policies.

00:27:56.296 --> 00:27:57.277

You should read all of those

00:27:57.336 --> 00:27:58.537

very thoroughly and become

00:27:58.576 --> 00:28:00.637

very familiar with them before you

00:28:01.916 --> 00:28:03.738

engage in hiring that person.

00:28:04.397 --> 00:28:05.958

So that's a list of

00:28:06.018 --> 00:28:07.298

questions to start with.

00:28:07.838 --> 00:28:09.459

You may have more ideas of

00:28:09.598 --> 00:28:10.499

other things that you want

00:28:10.538 --> 00:28:12.380

to ask your therapist right off the bat.

00:28:13.440 --> 00:28:14.800

It's very important to the

00:28:14.840 --> 00:28:16.201

therapeutic process that

00:28:16.300 --> 00:28:17.701

you feel really comfortable

00:28:17.800 --> 00:28:19.102

being totally honest with

00:28:19.122 --> 00:28:20.842

your therapist about all your feelings.

00:28:21.342 --> 00:28:23.002

So if you're getting a vibe like,

00:28:23.569 --> 00:28:25.371

you're not feeling safe in

00:28:25.471 --> 00:28:27.171

sharing your symptoms or

00:28:27.691 --> 00:28:28.971

asking these questions even

00:28:29.112 --> 00:28:29.751

or if you're getting

00:28:29.852 --> 00:28:30.952

answers that feel

00:28:31.432 --> 00:28:33.834

standoffish or curt in tone

00:28:34.433 --> 00:28:35.814

then maybe move on to the

00:28:35.854 --> 00:28:37.154

next person make a note of

00:28:37.214 --> 00:28:39.256

that in your in your record

00:28:39.296 --> 00:28:40.316

on your list of questions

00:28:40.375 --> 00:28:41.675

that you asked that you

00:28:41.715 --> 00:28:43.076

didn't feel safe talking to

00:28:43.116 --> 00:28:44.978

them that's a really

00:28:45.018 --> 00:28:46.458

important thing to note now

00:28:47.438 --> 00:28:48.719

let's say that you've gone through

00:28:49.432 --> 00:28:51.294

a call with three or four

00:28:51.334 --> 00:28:52.755

different therapists and

00:28:52.775 --> 00:28:53.996

you're really not finding

00:28:54.036 --> 00:28:54.977

that it's clicking.

00:28:55.616 --> 00:28:56.978

What I would do is kind of

00:28:57.038 --> 00:28:58.960

go back over and see if

00:28:58.980 --> 00:29:00.981

there is a common theme of

00:29:01.122 --> 00:29:02.063

things that you felt like

00:29:02.103 --> 00:29:03.644

you weren't getting

00:29:03.683 --> 00:29:05.244

together on or a reason why

00:29:05.265 --> 00:29:06.066

you felt like you weren't

00:29:06.105 --> 00:29:07.426

connecting with that person.

00:29:08.167 --> 00:29:08.587

And again,

00:29:08.607 --> 00:29:09.969

this is where I'd recommend if

00:29:10.009 --> 00:29:11.170

you did all phone calls,

00:29:11.569 --> 00:29:12.631

choose one or two of them

00:29:12.691 --> 00:29:14.492

to meet in person and say,

00:29:14.613 --> 00:29:15.574

I'd like to meet you

00:29:16.519 --> 00:29:18.220

just for a few minutes and

00:29:18.539 --> 00:29:20.601

ask a few more questions if that's okay.

00:29:21.181 --> 00:29:22.481

If they insist on charging

00:29:22.521 --> 00:29:24.162

you for that in-person meeting,

00:29:24.682 --> 00:29:25.262

that's all right.

00:29:25.343 --> 00:29:27.243

Sometimes it's the cost of

00:29:27.324 --> 00:29:28.763

finding a great therapist

00:29:29.184 --> 00:29:31.265

to go through this interview process.

00:29:31.305 --> 00:29:32.566

So as I said,

00:29:32.865 --> 00:29:34.267

most therapists will be fine

00:29:34.287 --> 00:29:35.946

with 15 or 20 minutes of

00:29:36.008 --> 00:29:36.948

initial questions.

00:29:38.278 --> 00:29:39.680

those are better done in person.

00:29:39.779 --> 00:29:40.740

But if you do them on the

00:29:40.759 --> 00:29:41.901

phone and then you decide

00:29:41.921 --> 00:29:42.780

you want to meet with them,

00:29:42.921 --> 00:29:43.942

it's appropriate for them

00:29:44.001 --> 00:29:45.602

to charge you for that in-person meeting.

00:29:45.663 --> 00:29:47.163

That's why I encourage that

00:29:47.502 --> 00:29:48.723

these initial questions get

00:29:48.844 --> 00:29:50.904

asked in person rather than

00:29:51.045 --> 00:29:51.904

over the telephone.

00:29:52.444 --> 00:29:53.066

And you're just going to

00:29:53.105 --> 00:29:55.067

have to sort of find a

00:29:55.146 --> 00:29:57.086

niche of people who are

00:29:57.228 --> 00:29:58.948

willing to answer these

00:29:59.028 --> 00:30:00.749

questions for you on a

00:30:00.949 --> 00:30:02.829

complimentary basis and

00:30:02.869 --> 00:30:04.711

then dig into things later.

00:30:04.730 --> 00:30:04.770

So

00:30:05.548 --> 00:30:06.789

It's perfectly appropriate

00:30:06.849 --> 00:30:08.391

to sit for a session with a

00:30:08.431 --> 00:30:09.471

therapist and go ahead and

00:30:09.491 --> 00:30:10.792

pay for that initial session.

00:30:11.333 --> 00:30:13.454

And then note how you feel afterwards.

00:30:13.894 --> 00:30:15.036

Do you feel heard?

00:30:15.175 --> 00:30:16.336

Do you feel understood?

00:30:16.376 --> 00:30:17.958

Do you feel like your words

00:30:17.998 --> 00:30:19.799

are valuable to the therapist?

00:30:19.900 --> 00:30:21.221

Are they listening intently

00:30:21.921 --> 00:30:22.721

to what you're saying?

00:30:23.221 --> 00:30:25.103

Are they responding appropriately?

00:30:25.604 --> 00:30:26.964

Are they allowing you time

00:30:27.424 --> 00:30:29.926

to present what your issue

00:30:30.126 --> 00:30:31.607

is and then giving you a

00:30:31.688 --> 00:30:33.189

thoughtful response based

00:30:33.269 --> 00:30:33.970

on what you said?

00:30:34.453 --> 00:30:35.454

Or does it seem like they're

00:30:35.474 --> 00:30:37.276

sort of giving you canned responses?

00:30:37.675 --> 00:30:38.557

Does it seem like they're

00:30:38.596 --> 00:30:39.797

distracted and not really

00:30:39.856 --> 00:30:40.498

listening to you?

00:30:40.958 --> 00:30:41.097

Now,

00:30:41.157 --> 00:30:44.160

most therapists will take notes during

00:30:44.220 --> 00:30:45.820

the session because they're

00:30:45.840 --> 00:30:47.201

required to keep notes.

00:30:47.622 --> 00:30:48.423

That's one of the things

00:30:48.462 --> 00:30:49.363

that therapists do.

00:30:49.462 --> 00:30:51.484

So don't be offended if

00:30:51.805 --> 00:30:52.984

they're taking notes as

00:30:53.005 --> 00:30:54.006

you're talking because

00:30:54.125 --> 00:30:55.247

they're required to do that.

00:30:55.326 --> 00:30:56.847

And it's actually a really helpful,

00:30:56.867 --> 00:30:57.929

good thing for them to do

00:30:58.028 --> 00:30:59.750

so that they make sure that

00:30:59.789 --> 00:31:01.490

they're tracking with your

00:31:01.510 --> 00:31:02.471

progress and the different

00:31:02.490 --> 00:31:03.551

things that you're talking about.

00:31:04.488 --> 00:31:05.848

But if your therapist seems

00:31:05.909 --> 00:31:07.609

like they're not really

00:31:07.670 --> 00:31:08.750

listening that much and

00:31:08.769 --> 00:31:09.391

they're just sort of

00:31:09.471 --> 00:31:11.231

writing but not responding ever,

00:31:11.412 --> 00:31:12.913

that can be a red flag, right?

00:31:13.053 --> 00:31:15.673

If they're sort of distracted,

00:31:15.854 --> 00:31:17.494

if they pick up their phone

00:31:17.515 --> 00:31:18.935

a lot or if they're looking

00:31:18.955 --> 00:31:20.136

at their computer screen or

00:31:20.176 --> 00:31:20.856

something like that,

00:31:21.678 --> 00:31:22.877

those can all be red flags.

00:31:22.958 --> 00:31:24.278

So it's really important

00:31:24.298 --> 00:31:25.078

that you feel like your

00:31:25.099 --> 00:31:25.940

therapist is really

00:31:26.000 --> 00:31:27.080

listening intently and

00:31:27.161 --> 00:31:28.580

responding appropriately to

00:31:28.641 --> 00:31:29.501

the things that you say.

00:31:30.034 --> 00:31:31.615

So after that first session,

00:31:31.755 --> 00:31:33.155

I really recommend going

00:31:33.296 --> 00:31:34.457

and doing some journaling

00:31:34.636 --> 00:31:37.038

about how the session went, how you felt.

00:31:37.298 --> 00:31:38.358

Did you feel a connection

00:31:38.378 --> 00:31:39.160

with this person?

00:31:39.660 --> 00:31:41.141

Do you feel like they're

00:31:41.181 --> 00:31:43.343

going to be helpful in your

00:31:43.383 --> 00:31:44.502

therapeutic process?

00:31:45.023 --> 00:31:45.943

Or did you feel like

00:31:46.505 --> 00:31:47.605

something was kind of off

00:31:48.205 --> 00:31:49.467

and I didn't really feel

00:31:49.567 --> 00:31:51.448

like we clicked or that

00:31:51.468 --> 00:31:52.407

they were listening well?

00:31:52.868 --> 00:31:54.250

Then it's time to maybe move

00:31:54.390 --> 00:31:56.230

on to the next person on your list.

00:32:16.163 --> 00:32:18.246

If you have that successful first session,

00:32:18.286 --> 00:32:18.926

good for you.

00:32:19.126 --> 00:32:19.386

Great.

00:32:19.426 --> 00:32:21.128

You found somebody that you can work with.

00:32:21.929 --> 00:32:23.530

Continue to notice how you

00:32:23.611 --> 00:32:25.231

feel about the connection

00:32:25.251 --> 00:32:26.012

between you and your

00:32:26.073 --> 00:32:27.954

therapist as your work goes forward.

00:32:28.615 --> 00:32:31.218

If at any time you feel like

00:32:31.278 --> 00:32:32.278

things have shifted a

00:32:32.318 --> 00:32:33.660

little or changed or you

00:32:33.680 --> 00:32:34.681

feel like you're not being

00:32:34.881 --> 00:32:36.182

as valued and honored as

00:32:36.221 --> 00:32:37.643

you were in that initial session,

00:32:38.284 --> 00:32:39.525

it's perfectly appropriate

00:32:39.565 --> 00:32:40.566

for you to bring that up.

00:32:42.025 --> 00:32:43.405

There have been times when I've had to say,

00:32:43.425 --> 00:32:44.226

you know,

00:32:44.286 --> 00:32:46.227

as I was thinking about our last session,

00:32:46.247 --> 00:32:49.388

I really felt like there

00:32:49.429 --> 00:32:51.210

was something off about our

00:32:51.269 --> 00:32:52.089

connection there,

00:32:52.289 --> 00:32:53.711

and I didn't really feel

00:32:53.810 --> 00:32:54.871

like you were understanding

00:32:54.911 --> 00:32:55.632

what I was saying.

00:32:56.672 --> 00:32:59.574

And cite specific examples if you can.

00:32:59.634 --> 00:33:00.253

For example,

00:33:00.334 --> 00:33:01.694

when I was talking about this

00:33:01.755 --> 00:33:03.154

situation with my mom,

00:33:03.675 --> 00:33:05.056

it felt like you sort of tuned out.

00:33:06.823 --> 00:33:07.782

And it sounded like your

00:33:07.823 --> 00:33:09.284

response was not as

00:33:09.584 --> 00:33:11.104

thoughtful as it normally is.

00:33:11.163 --> 00:33:11.943

And like you were sort of

00:33:11.983 --> 00:33:14.243

giving me a catch all answer.

00:33:14.785 --> 00:33:15.944

Can we go back over that?

00:33:16.464 --> 00:33:17.545

And maybe it's something as

00:33:17.625 --> 00:33:19.224

simple as this is something

00:33:19.244 --> 00:33:20.286

my therapist said to me,

00:33:20.685 --> 00:33:22.165

your situation reminds me a

00:33:22.226 --> 00:33:24.006

lot of my relationship with my mom.

00:33:24.105 --> 00:33:25.027

And even though I've gone

00:33:25.047 --> 00:33:26.386

through the work to heal from that,

00:33:26.507 --> 00:33:28.126

it doesn't mean that it's

00:33:28.186 --> 00:33:29.327

not going to affect me when

00:33:29.367 --> 00:33:30.067

I think about it.

00:33:30.508 --> 00:33:32.028

So if I seemed a little distant,

00:33:32.307 --> 00:33:33.567

it's because for a moment,

00:33:34.368 --> 00:33:35.969

I had some feelings come up for me.

00:33:36.509 --> 00:33:36.669

But

00:33:37.617 --> 00:33:38.618

Let's re-engage with that

00:33:38.679 --> 00:33:40.079

conversation and let's make

00:33:40.119 --> 00:33:41.381

sure that you get your needs met.

00:33:42.801 --> 00:33:45.884

A healthy therapist-patient

00:33:45.904 --> 00:33:47.665

relationship is going to

00:33:47.705 --> 00:33:49.307

have some bumps in the road like that.

00:33:49.988 --> 00:33:52.210

And if you just let those

00:33:52.250 --> 00:33:53.871

things go and don't ever bring them up,

00:33:53.911 --> 00:33:54.852

the therapist is going to

00:33:54.892 --> 00:33:55.833

assume that everything is

00:33:55.893 --> 00:33:57.153

fine with you and they're

00:33:57.173 --> 00:33:58.335

going to keep doing what

00:33:58.375 --> 00:34:00.477

they've done or acting the

00:34:00.497 --> 00:34:01.938

way they have or treating

00:34:01.978 --> 00:34:02.678

you the way that they've

00:34:02.698 --> 00:34:03.358

been treating you.

00:34:03.788 --> 00:34:04.650

If you want something to

00:34:04.710 --> 00:34:05.911

change in that relationship,

00:34:05.951 --> 00:34:07.011

you have to bring up those

00:34:07.071 --> 00:34:08.112

times when you feel like

00:34:08.152 --> 00:34:09.393

things are not going as

00:34:09.454 --> 00:34:10.454

well as you would like to.

00:34:11.114 --> 00:34:11.255

Now,

00:34:11.375 --> 00:34:12.996

if it gets to the point where you feel

00:34:13.016 --> 00:34:14.717

like you need to fire your therapist,

00:34:14.998 --> 00:34:15.998

things are really bad,

00:34:16.039 --> 00:34:17.199

you've tried to communicate

00:34:17.260 --> 00:34:18.179

some issues to them,

00:34:18.760 --> 00:34:19.762

and the same things keep

00:34:19.802 --> 00:34:20.943

coming up over and over,

00:34:21.483 --> 00:34:23.284

it's perfectly appropriate for you to

00:34:24.693 --> 00:34:26.793

write an email or leave a

00:34:26.833 --> 00:34:29.434

voicemail or even in person to say,

00:34:29.454 --> 00:34:31.355

I've really appreciated the

00:34:31.394 --> 00:34:32.375

time that you've put into

00:34:32.434 --> 00:34:33.175

our work together.

00:34:33.195 --> 00:34:34.335

I'm feeling like things

00:34:34.416 --> 00:34:35.476

aren't working anymore.

00:34:35.496 --> 00:34:38.297

I think I need a change and

00:34:38.317 --> 00:34:40.157

I would appreciate it if

00:34:40.217 --> 00:34:42.378

you would share your notes

00:34:42.458 --> 00:34:43.597

with my next therapist when

00:34:43.637 --> 00:34:44.478

they contact you.

00:34:45.737 --> 00:34:46.798

It's perfectly appropriate

00:34:46.818 --> 00:34:47.659

for you to ask for that.

00:34:48.586 --> 00:34:49.568

I'll share an experience,

00:34:49.608 --> 00:34:50.807

a couple of experiences

00:34:50.887 --> 00:34:52.688

that not me personally,

00:34:52.728 --> 00:34:53.809

but other people have had.

00:34:54.349 --> 00:34:55.550

There was one situation

00:34:55.630 --> 00:34:57.411

where the therapist kept

00:34:57.492 --> 00:34:58.552

bringing up their own,

00:34:58.891 --> 00:34:59.972

the person was going to the

00:35:00.012 --> 00:35:01.092

therapist because they were

00:35:01.112 --> 00:35:02.594

going through a divorce and

00:35:02.614 --> 00:35:03.655

the therapist kept bringing

00:35:03.695 --> 00:35:05.215

up their own experiences in

00:35:05.235 --> 00:35:06.195

their own divorce.

00:35:06.755 --> 00:35:08.797

And while some of that can be illustrative,

00:35:08.876 --> 00:35:10.157

if they're trying to help

00:35:10.197 --> 00:35:11.559

you understand a situation,

00:35:11.579 --> 00:35:14.199

it's definitely a red flag

00:35:14.239 --> 00:35:15.141

if the therapist keeps

00:35:15.181 --> 00:35:15.920

saying things like,

00:35:16.434 --> 00:35:18.414

Oh man, I know what you're talking about.

00:35:18.815 --> 00:35:20.617

When my ex-wife did blah, blah, blah.

00:35:21.217 --> 00:35:22.318

Oh, that was awful.

00:35:22.418 --> 00:35:23.177

And if they're just

00:35:23.237 --> 00:35:25.219

commiserating and venting to you,

00:35:25.278 --> 00:35:26.360

that is the opposite of

00:35:26.400 --> 00:35:27.521

what they're supposed to be doing.

00:35:27.960 --> 00:35:29.481

But if they say something like, yeah,

00:35:29.581 --> 00:35:30.382

I went through something

00:35:30.443 --> 00:35:31.443

similar and here's what

00:35:31.483 --> 00:35:33.063

worked for me in that situation.

00:35:33.143 --> 00:35:33.885

Do you think that would be

00:35:33.925 --> 00:35:34.625

helpful for you?

00:35:35.304 --> 00:35:36.626

That's different, right?

00:35:37.586 --> 00:35:38.927

There was another situation

00:35:39.128 --> 00:35:41.228

in which a mother had

00:35:41.248 --> 00:35:44.331

brought her child to see a therapist and

00:35:44.858 --> 00:35:46.557

The therapy seemed to be going okay,

00:35:46.597 --> 00:35:47.838

but the child was saying like,

00:35:48.018 --> 00:35:49.079

I really don't feel like

00:35:49.119 --> 00:35:50.519

she listens to me and I

00:35:51.219 --> 00:35:52.179

don't really understand

00:35:52.199 --> 00:35:53.780

what she's trying to tell me to do.

00:35:54.621 --> 00:35:56.621

Mom has a conversation with a therapist.

00:35:56.661 --> 00:35:57.981

Therapist gets offended that

00:35:58.041 --> 00:36:00.242

she's been called out for, you know,

00:36:00.302 --> 00:36:02.603

not being helpful or not listening.

00:36:03.282 --> 00:36:06.264

Therapist says, this is a child, you know,

00:36:06.344 --> 00:36:07.963

their perception of how

00:36:08.003 --> 00:36:08.623

things should work in

00:36:08.643 --> 00:36:10.965

therapy might be skewed and

00:36:11.324 --> 00:36:12.125

they get defensive.

00:36:12.746 --> 00:36:14.206

Red flag, time to move on.

00:36:15.597 --> 00:36:16.798

There was another situation

00:36:16.858 --> 00:36:18.659

where mom had brought her

00:36:18.699 --> 00:36:19.800

kids to a therapist.

00:36:20.340 --> 00:36:21.760

Things seem to be going well.

00:36:21.860 --> 00:36:23.081

Kids seem to be feeling

00:36:23.121 --> 00:36:24.041

better about at least

00:36:24.101 --> 00:36:25.121

talking about things,

00:36:25.742 --> 00:36:26.882

but therapist wasn't

00:36:26.943 --> 00:36:27.943

necessarily giving them

00:36:28.043 --> 00:36:29.684

helpful tools to use.

00:36:30.284 --> 00:36:30.963

They were just sort of

00:36:31.023 --> 00:36:33.045

listening to the problems and saying,

00:36:33.065 --> 00:36:33.204

well,

00:36:33.224 --> 00:36:34.925

I hope you feel better and not

00:36:34.965 --> 00:36:36.467

really giving them concrete

00:36:36.507 --> 00:36:37.467

things that they could do

00:36:37.646 --> 00:36:39.307

to help improve their situation.

00:36:40.117 --> 00:36:41.697

That's another sort of red flag.

00:36:42.458 --> 00:36:42.717

Again,

00:36:42.958 --> 00:36:44.617

important for mom to be involved and

00:36:44.657 --> 00:36:45.898

talk to the therapist and say,

00:36:45.938 --> 00:36:46.858

how are things going?

00:36:47.318 --> 00:36:49.018

When I took my kids to a therapist,

00:36:49.119 --> 00:36:50.059

I would sit down with them

00:36:50.119 --> 00:36:51.619

for the first five minutes and say,

00:36:51.659 --> 00:36:53.079

this is what I've noticed this week.

00:36:53.639 --> 00:36:54.760

Here's what I think maybe

00:36:54.780 --> 00:36:56.240

they would need to talk to you about.

00:36:56.701 --> 00:36:57.561

Then I leave the room.

00:36:57.961 --> 00:36:59.481

My kid goes into the therapist.

00:36:59.889 --> 00:37:01.048

They have a conversation at

00:37:01.168 --> 00:37:02.688

the end of the therapy session.

00:37:02.728 --> 00:37:03.869

I go in for the last five