Please Cry!

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Hello, beautiful humans.

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How are you this evening?

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Can

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Welcome, everyone, welcome,

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and thank you for joining us,

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and thank you for watching the episode.

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So here's a question from Johnny Shepherd.

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Thank you for being willing

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to ask a question.

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Megan, when I was young, I rarely cried.

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I am 58 now and I can't seem

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to control that anymore.

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Do you have any idea as to

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why that's happening?

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I'm really glad you asked

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this question because

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i get this every once in a

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while not exactly in the

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same way but people ask me

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from time to time like why

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am i crying so much how do

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i stop myself from crying

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is there a way

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for me to keep myself from

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crying in a public place or

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i even had another friend

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who is a singer wanting to

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know how they could keep

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themselves from crying at a funeral and

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I have lots of thoughts about this.

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First of all,

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I don't think crying is a bad

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thing at all.

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In fact, I think it's a very,

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very positive thing.

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It is our body's way of

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physically releasing emotion.

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And there's a really

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interesting study that I

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wish I'd been prepared for this.

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And maybe I'll do this on an

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episode that talks about

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the fact that your tears

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are chemically different from

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depending on what is causing them.

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They're chemically different

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if it's a painful tear,

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or if it's a sad tear, if it's grief,

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like grief, sadness together,

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or if it's anger or something else.

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And that sort of is

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scientific proof that your

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body is releasing hormones

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hormones

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through your tears.

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And so I think crying is really,

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really important.

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an intention to get

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myself out of the habit of

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apologizing for being

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emotional or apologizing for crying.

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I think I hear that so often

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when someone's talking

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about something difficult

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they start crying and they say,

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I'm so sorry, I'm getting emotional.

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I have an intention to stop

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making that apology because I'm

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we need to cry,

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we need to be able to show our emotions.

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And when you talk about

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controlling the crying,

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I wanna be intentional

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about the way that I answer this.

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If you're talking about

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uncontrollable sobbing and

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you can't stop yourself

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from sobbing and you're

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just crying and crying and crying,

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I think that's also necessary

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but you're

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having trouble stopping yourself,

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if you don't get to a

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point where you are

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exhausted and out of tears

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and you're done crying,

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then that's obviously

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something that you need to

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visit with a mental health professional.

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if you're just trying to

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say that you don't want to cry,

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I don't want to cry at all.

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I don't think that's healthy.

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We need to cry.

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If you're saying you don't

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wanna cry in certain

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situations or in front of certain people,

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I completely understand that.

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And I see what you're saying

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here as well too.

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It makes people

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uncomfortable and it's not over anything,

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it just happens.

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Well, there's always a reason,

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always 100% of the time.

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It's not always obvious what the reason is,

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but if you're crying,

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that's emotion coming up

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for you that hasn't been

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expressed previously.

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So I think when that happens,

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it's super important to take a moment

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or as long as you can to

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stop and dig into

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the feelings that are

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coming for you

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and the situation that is

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causing the tears or what

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the situation was when you

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started having the tears.

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For example,

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I was having a conversation

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with a friend of mine one

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day and she said something

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that made me cry and I had no idea why,

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because

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it didn't seem

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like it was happy or sad for me.

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I wasn't emotionally involved.

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She wasn't crying.

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She was just talking about

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something that seemed

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really normal and

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didn't seem like it should

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be sad for either one of us.

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And it was confusing.

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So after the conversation was over,

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I went back and I said, OK,

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I started crying when she said this.

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And I don't have a

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particular emotion related to that.

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I'm not feeling anything right now.

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What did she say just prior to that?

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Or what was the general tone

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of the conversation?

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And what ended up happening

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is as I continued to dig

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down through those layers

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and figure out what it was

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that was causing the tears,

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It was simply the fact that

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she was expressing

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compassion for someone who

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was in a difficult situation.

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And I realized that a few days prior,

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I had experienced a

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situation where someone did

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not show me compassion.

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It wasn't even a similar situation at all.

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It was just that somebody

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did not show me compassion

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when I felt like that was

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what I needed from that

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person in that moment.

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And so the tears coming up

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for me was me witnessing my

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friend show up for her

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other friend in a way that

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I wished my friend had

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shown up for me in a previous situation.

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So sometimes it takes some

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digging to figure out what's going on.

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Why am I having this emotion?

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And so now

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when I do cry and I have

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those emotions that sort of

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seem to overwhelm me in the moment,

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I always take a second to say, okay,

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why am I crying?

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And sometimes I cry.

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Of course,

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we all cry over grief or sadness.

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Sometimes we cry over shame.

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Sometimes we cry over anger.

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But for me also,

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I've recognized that I cry

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over relief and

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I cry when people are kind

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to me sometimes because I

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didn't experience it always

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as a child or as a spouse

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and all of those things.

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And sometimes I cry when I'm

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really happy about

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something and when I feel

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really connected to

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something or when something

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feels particularly resonant

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or true to me.

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I also cry when I witness

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something beautiful.

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My partner took me to a

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butterfly sanctuary and I'd

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never been to one before.

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And we walked in the door

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and it was like this overwhelming,

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beautiful, like multi-tiered, you know,

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you had to go down these

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steps to go into the sanctuary.

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And it was like a huge

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atrium over the top.

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There are butterflies

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everywhere and beautiful

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flowers everywhere and waterfall running.

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And, you know,

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just the sights of that just

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overwhelmed me.

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And I just cried.

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I cried for like 10 minutes

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while we were in there just

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witnessing that beauty.

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I cried the first time I saw

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the Mona Lisa in person.

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I've allowed myself to get

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to the place where tears

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come naturally for me and

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where I welcome them and

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where they don't always

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mean something bad or negative.

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I want to just honor the

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fact that all of us are in

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a different place in that journey,

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and it's a difficult place

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to get to where crying

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becomes normal and healthy and acceptable,

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especially if it's been shamed,

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especially if you were told

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as a child not to cry.

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If you're a man in human society,

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crying has been stigmatized.

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And so it takes all of us a

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different amount of time to

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get to the place where

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we're comfortable crying.

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And that's the place where I

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hope everybody can get.

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It is really good to cry.

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And yes,

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sometimes uncontrollable crying is

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related to brain function,

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which is why I say

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It's important to get the

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advice of a medical professional,

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a mental health professional.

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I would suggest mental

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health professional first

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or a medical professional

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who is compassionate about

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mental health issues,

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psychiatrist possibly,

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or somebody who's trained.

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That's why I said

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psychiatrist because

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they're trained medically as well as

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mental health at the same time.

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And then Beverly,

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this is such a good point.

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And I really want people to

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understand and absorb this.

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Crying only makes people

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uncomfortable who are

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uncomfortable with human

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emotions themselves.

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This is a battle I stopped

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fighting with my family

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members who couldn't handle it.

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And this is something I

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think not enough people understand.

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When you are told as a child

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to stop crying and when

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you're sent to your room,

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if you're angry or if

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you're experiencing big emotions,

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that is a denial of you as a human being.

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And it is probably being

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done because your parents

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couldn't handle their own

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emotions as well.

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when you're sitting

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talking with someone and

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you start to cry and they say, oh,

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please don't cry.

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That's because they're not

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comfortable crying.

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They're not comfortable with

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their own emotions.

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When one of my children

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would cry as a toddler or

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mother-in-law was holding them,

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she would just give the

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child back to me and say,

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I can handle anything but crying.

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Obviously,

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she couldn't handle her own emotions.

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And so it's just so, so, so important.

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went to mental health and they said,

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it's just fine.

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My blood work comes back

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with no hormonal issues.

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So Johnny, if you're willing to share,

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I would love to hear, well, I mean,

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this explains it right here.

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You got a beating as a child if you cried,

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so of course you're going

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to feel uncomfortable crying now.

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It makes complete sense that

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you would want to stop

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yourself from crying.

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I just want to challenge you.

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I know that's so hard to dig

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through because I went

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through the same thing.

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I would like to recommend to

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you the book Running on

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Empty by Jonice Webb.

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She talks about childhood

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emotional neglect.

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She's done a lot of work in that area.

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And she talks about the fact that,

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if you're not allowed to

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express your emotions in

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healthy ways as a child,

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it leaves you feeling very

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empty and it leaves you

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with specific set of

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symptoms and being beaten

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for crying is first of all, never okay.

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And also, um,

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a part of sort of the silent

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generation and the boomer generation,

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that's how they dealt with

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crying children.

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You either got a beating or

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you got sent to your room

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or you got told not to cry.

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And I think somebody else made the comment,

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Do you want me to give you

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something to cry about?

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I'd get a harder whooping if I cried.

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Those things put us in a

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position where we were

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uncomfortable expressing emotions,

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uncomfortable crying,

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apologizing for crying.

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Those are the things that we

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have to work through.

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It's been really difficult.

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I would hope that you can

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find a mental health

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professional who doesn't

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just say it's fine if you

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can't stop yourself from crying.

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Find someone who can be

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compassionate about why you

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want to stop yourself from

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crying and explore those ideas yourself.

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Why is it that you want to

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stop yourself from crying?

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And what would you like to do instead?

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Is it because you're trying

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to still keep yourself from getting that

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That beating, whether it be out in public,

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are you afraid that people

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are going to judge you or

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be uncomfortable with you

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if you're crying?

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And if that's the case,

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if we can get to a place

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where crying is good for me,

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I want to be able to cry

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when I feel emotions.

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And if it makes you uncomfortable,

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that's not my fault and

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it's not my problem to fix.

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That's the uncomfortable

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person's problem to fix.

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We cannot be responsible for

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other people's emotional responses.

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That's not our job.

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Our job is to be responsible

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for ourselves.

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We cannot change anyone else.

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so this is something I'm really

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passionate about.

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Obviously,

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maybe I need to do a whole episode on,

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on crying, because it's,

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it's something I think

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that's important to talk

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about because it's so stigmatized.

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Ravina saying I've been married 30

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years and never saw my

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husband cry until two years ago.

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We both love music and I

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heard a song and put it on our playlist.

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We add to it when we want

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each other to hear it.

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that's wonderful that you

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guys found this song to, to connect over.

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I think that's wonderful.

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I too was married for 22

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years to a man who I saw

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cry two or three times.

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and I don't think it's healthy and I

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don't think that it is,

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it's almost impossible to

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bond with a partner who

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can't express their emotions.

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So I,

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I think it's an important

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place to get to where you

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guys can express emotions to each other.

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Oz says crying regulates our emotions,

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our bodies,

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stress hormones are released

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from our bodies, i.e.

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cortisol when we cry.

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And absolutely 100%.

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If you have high levels of cortisol,

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it's going to affect your sleep.

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It's going to affect your mood.

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It's going to affect your

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ability to lose weight.

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It's going to affect so many

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things in your life.

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Crying can get that out.

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Kathy says there are songs

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from my past that bring tears,

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not always sad, just memories.

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And that's wonderful.

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Oh, I'm sorry to hear this part of it.

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He loved the song,

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but said he'd never

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listened to it again

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because it was too much for

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him to deal with.

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I'm so sad to hear that.

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There's obviously something

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in that song that, that, you know,

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triggered an emotional response for him.

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That's something he needs to

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dig into more.

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And yeah,

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You know, it's such a human response,

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right?

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All of us sort of have this

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knee-jerk reaction that if

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we feel a negative emotion,

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if we feel sad or if we cry,

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that we should push that

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away because we don't want

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to feel anymore.

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It makes us uncomfortable.

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It feels icky.

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We just want to be happy.

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And we have this social

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stigma that we should be

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happy all the time.

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And it's just not reality.

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And I want for people to get

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more comfortable having real emotions,

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even in public places.

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and to just, it's okay.

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And especially with the

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people that we love and we care about,

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we have to be willing to

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connect with them by

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showing our real emotions

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and not just having that

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superficial thing of like, oh, I'm fine.

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It's not a big deal.

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Don't worry about it.

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I can't tell you the number

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of times that I was in church,

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especially just weeping, weeping,

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weeping,

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And people would come over and say,

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are you OK?

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And I would be like, I'm all right.

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I'm all right.

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I'll handle it.

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It's OK.

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I'll deal with it.

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Just pushing people away

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rather than accepting their

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care and concern for me.

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I think it is important to

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find people that you trust.

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So I wouldn't just spill my

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guts to a stranger, right?

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But if one of my friends had

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come up to me and said, are you OK?

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What's going on?

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I would say, no, not OK.

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Can we go talk somewhere?

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see better.

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Thank you.

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I think allowing ourselves

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to feel is a huge step forward.

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Yes.

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Just allowing ourselves in

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our private moments to feel

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the emotion we're feeling

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and to not immediately go

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to a numbing behavior and

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not immediately push it away.

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Um, just that is a huge step forward.

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That small change.

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Kimmy Joe says I went for so many years,

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all bottled up,

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that now I can cry over some

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of the silliest things.

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It can make me laugh now, too.

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And I think that's a great place to get.

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And that's what I'm striving for, too,

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is to be able to just cry and say, wow,

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that something that you

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said just really hit a nerve with me,

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and this is why.

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Or even just being able to say,

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that feels really emotional for me.

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I want to dig more into that.

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I hope I'm saying this right.

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Virga Hamilton.

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I don't know if that's the

00:15:11.581 --> 00:15:13.163

right pronunciation, but I hope it is.

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Thank you so much for your super sticker.

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I really appreciate the support.

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It means a lot to me that

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you guys are here.

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Thank you for being here.

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Maureen, I think this is excellent.

00:15:22.870 --> 00:15:24.691

I always tell my kids, let it out,

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let it all out.

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My parents told me to hold it in,

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hold it all in for as long

00:15:30.613 --> 00:15:31.634

as you possibly can.

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And when you do eventually explode,

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don't let any get on us.

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That was basically it.

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And I got this too, Johnny.

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I'll give you something to cry over.

00:15:42.104 --> 00:15:42.704

Basically,

00:15:42.904 --> 00:15:45.446

what that is telling you is that

00:15:46.006 --> 00:15:47.447

your emotions are not valid.

00:15:47.947 --> 00:15:48.888

They're not welcome here.

00:15:49.809 --> 00:15:51.630

And this is not a big deal.

00:15:52.050 --> 00:15:53.431

But you know what will be a big deal?

00:15:53.611 --> 00:15:54.972

If I physically hurt you,

00:15:55.552 --> 00:15:56.613

if I physically hurt you,

00:15:56.673 --> 00:15:57.473

then you're going to cry.

00:15:57.974 --> 00:16:00.015

It's the threat of

00:16:01.402 --> 00:16:02.123

Getting a beating.

00:16:02.443 --> 00:16:03.223

That's terrible.

00:16:03.384 --> 00:16:04.404

It's so awful that our

00:16:04.444 --> 00:16:05.545

parents did this to us.

00:16:06.034 --> 00:16:08.095

I love what my daughter does now,

00:16:08.115 --> 00:16:08.956

my oldest daughter.

00:16:09.937 --> 00:16:11.778

When her son is having a meltdown,

00:16:11.818 --> 00:16:13.079

my grandson, she says,

00:16:14.040 --> 00:16:15.161

you are having some really

00:16:15.201 --> 00:16:16.942

big feelings and it is okay

00:16:16.962 --> 00:16:18.523

for you to have big feelings right now.

00:16:18.683 --> 00:16:20.445

Those feelings are coming

00:16:20.525 --> 00:16:21.788

out and that's okay.

00:16:21.834 --> 00:16:24.235

Beverly, thanks for being here again.

00:16:24.255 --> 00:16:25.837

I didn't used to be a crier.

00:16:26.995 --> 00:16:28.196

either cry when I see the

00:16:28.276 --> 00:16:29.798

sweet stickers decals at my

00:16:29.858 --> 00:16:31.359

veteran veterinarian's office.

00:16:32.000 --> 00:16:33.141

Yeah, seriously.

00:16:33.261 --> 00:16:35.183

Sometimes just, just things like that.

00:16:35.387 --> 00:16:37.138

my kids and I, um, you know,

00:16:37.158 --> 00:16:38.699

we're on this trip to see my daughter.

00:16:39.260 --> 00:16:40.060

We drove up here,

00:16:40.080 --> 00:16:41.482

we were in the car for two

00:16:41.502 --> 00:16:43.232

days straight and,

00:16:43.673 --> 00:16:46.316

And my kids love the Hamilton soundtrack.

00:16:46.656 --> 00:16:49.079

And we were listening to it

00:16:49.119 --> 00:16:50.060

and singing along and

00:16:50.120 --> 00:16:51.121

having a great time.

00:16:51.141 --> 00:16:54.525

And I noticed that some of the songs,

00:16:54.565 --> 00:16:55.667

this was my son's playlist,

00:16:55.707 --> 00:16:56.488

I noticed that some of the

00:16:56.508 --> 00:16:57.509

songs had been skipped.

00:16:57.529 --> 00:16:58.230

And there are some little

00:16:58.250 --> 00:16:58.971

songs in there that are

00:16:58.991 --> 00:17:00.372

kind of inconsequential.

00:17:00.392 --> 00:17:01.534

Some of them are sort of annoying.

00:17:01.574 --> 00:17:02.415

So we just skip them because

00:17:02.435 --> 00:17:03.396

we have our favorites, right?

00:17:04.817 --> 00:17:07.339

And at the end of the musical, I said,

00:17:07.359 --> 00:17:10.241

you didn't play It's Quiet Uptown,

00:17:10.441 --> 00:17:11.481

which is the song that gets

00:17:11.581 --> 00:17:13.403

played after his son dies.

00:17:14.243 --> 00:17:15.424

There's no spoilers here, guys.

00:17:15.464 --> 00:17:17.445

This happened back in the 1700s, okay?

00:17:17.806 --> 00:17:19.767

And then at the end of the show,

00:17:19.807 --> 00:17:21.388

there's a song where Eliza

00:17:21.848 --> 00:17:23.109

talks about Hamilton's

00:17:23.149 --> 00:17:24.910

accomplishments throughout his life.

00:17:24.990 --> 00:17:25.050

And

00:17:26.612 --> 00:17:28.655

I said, wait, we like those songs.

00:17:28.695 --> 00:17:29.436

Why did you skip those?

00:17:29.456 --> 00:17:29.896

And he said, oh,

00:17:29.936 --> 00:17:31.799

this is the no sad songs playlist.

00:17:31.959 --> 00:17:33.601

And I said, no, forget that.

00:17:34.062 --> 00:17:35.243

Put the sad songs back on.

00:17:35.263 --> 00:17:36.404

We're going to listen to all of them.

00:17:37.145 --> 00:17:38.167

And then we sat there and

00:17:38.207 --> 00:17:38.707

listened to them.

00:17:38.767 --> 00:17:40.410

And I cried while I sang.

00:17:40.950 --> 00:17:43.053

It's beautiful music.

00:17:43.810 --> 00:17:45.552

to be able to express emotion,

00:17:45.612 --> 00:17:48.294

to feel something is to be human.

00:17:48.954 --> 00:17:50.336

It is what sets us apart

00:17:50.376 --> 00:17:51.196

from all the other

00:17:51.297 --> 00:17:52.818

organisms on the planet.

00:17:53.018 --> 00:17:54.900

The ability to feel emotion,

00:17:54.940 --> 00:17:56.121

to feel compassion.

00:17:56.921 --> 00:17:58.983

When you feel compassion

00:17:59.043 --> 00:18:00.845

towards somebody and their

00:18:01.525 --> 00:18:03.567

negative experience makes you cry,

00:18:04.008 --> 00:18:05.949

there is nothing more human than that.

00:18:06.089 --> 00:18:07.751

There's nothing more beautiful than that.

00:18:09.955 --> 00:18:11.516

And what a tragedy it would

00:18:11.576 --> 00:18:13.816

truly be if we as human

00:18:13.856 --> 00:18:15.456

beings decided to shut down

00:18:15.496 --> 00:18:17.297

the most human part of ourselves.

00:18:18.117 --> 00:18:18.977

That's sad.

00:18:19.877 --> 00:18:21.437

That's profoundly sad to me.

00:18:21.458 --> 00:18:25.258

Emotions are beautiful.

00:18:25.838 --> 00:18:26.779

Crying is beautiful.

00:18:26.799 --> 00:18:30.219

I don't always look beautiful when I cry.

00:18:30.239 --> 00:18:32.599

But our ability to be human

00:18:33.119 --> 00:18:33.959

and to express those

00:18:33.999 --> 00:18:35.740

emotions is really beautiful.

00:18:36.439 --> 00:18:37.919

Johnny, I'm really sorry to hear this.

00:18:38.699 --> 00:18:39.460

You've been to four

00:18:39.520 --> 00:18:40.960

providers and they haven't helped you.

00:18:40.980 --> 00:18:43.300

I would love for you to

00:18:43.380 --> 00:18:44.321

reach out to me and let me

00:18:44.361 --> 00:18:45.081

help you find some

00:18:45.121 --> 00:18:47.081

resources that can help you

00:18:47.121 --> 00:18:48.581

specifically with what you're having,

00:18:48.953 --> 00:18:50.093

with what's going on with you.

00:18:50.550 --> 00:18:51.351

I feel like it shows

00:18:51.411 --> 00:18:53.351

weakness and I prefer to cry in private.

00:18:53.877 --> 00:18:54.678

It's not weakness.

00:18:55.318 --> 00:18:56.498

It's actually the opposite.

00:18:57.729 --> 00:18:59.510

The ability to be vulnerable

00:18:59.610 --> 00:19:01.010

in public in front of

00:19:01.710 --> 00:19:03.491

strangers is one of the

00:19:03.531 --> 00:19:04.911

strongest things that you can do.

00:19:05.491 --> 00:19:06.632

Because if you think about

00:19:06.732 --> 00:19:07.572

our lizard brain,

00:19:09.193 --> 00:19:09.993

the part of our brain

00:19:10.013 --> 00:19:10.933

that's hardwired for

00:19:10.973 --> 00:19:12.914

survival and only cares about survival,

00:19:14.222 --> 00:19:15.243

The lizard brain wants to

00:19:15.303 --> 00:19:16.023

protect us from

00:19:16.083 --> 00:19:17.564

vulnerability at all times,

00:19:17.785 --> 00:19:19.226

because if we're seen as weak,

00:19:19.326 --> 00:19:19.966

then we're prey.

00:19:20.667 --> 00:19:21.527

If we're seen as weak,

00:19:21.727 --> 00:19:23.188

then it's possible for us

00:19:23.248 --> 00:19:25.190

to be harmed by another tribe,

00:19:25.350 --> 00:19:26.931

another human, another animal,

00:19:27.051 --> 00:19:27.772

something like that.

00:19:30.073 --> 00:19:32.395

I understand the desire to cry in private.

00:19:32.515 --> 00:19:34.216

I understand that being a preference,

00:19:34.436 --> 00:19:35.717

and it's important to honor

00:19:35.757 --> 00:19:36.718

that about yourself.

00:19:38.235 --> 00:19:39.356

I would love for all of us

00:19:39.416 --> 00:19:40.477

to get to the place where

00:19:40.497 --> 00:19:41.517

we realize how much

00:19:41.618 --> 00:19:43.039

strength it takes for us to

00:19:43.079 --> 00:19:44.480

be vulnerable in public,

00:19:45.360 --> 00:19:46.561

in order for us to show

00:19:46.581 --> 00:19:47.982

that we have feelings,

00:19:48.503 --> 00:19:49.523

in order for us to show

00:19:49.563 --> 00:19:50.784

that we can connect with

00:19:50.824 --> 00:19:51.705

other human beings,

00:19:52.105 --> 00:19:52.966

that we do have the

00:19:53.006 --> 00:19:54.667

capacity to feel deeply.

00:19:55.568 --> 00:19:58.550

That is not weakness, that is strength,

00:19:58.550 --> 00:19:59.291

100%.

00:19:59.291 --> 00:20:02.173

And if anybody believes differently,

00:20:02.193 --> 00:20:03.934

I would just challenge you

00:20:04.214 --> 00:20:06.136

to go and find some people

00:20:06.176 --> 00:20:06.976

that you admire

00:20:08.153 --> 00:20:09.373

that you've seen cry in

00:20:09.433 --> 00:20:11.614

public and see what you think of them.

00:20:12.311 --> 00:20:15.932

When I have seen people

00:20:15.972 --> 00:20:16.913

grieving for their loved

00:20:17.033 --> 00:20:19.493

ones and they're up in

00:20:19.553 --> 00:20:21.494

front of a crowd giving a

00:20:21.614 --> 00:20:22.674

eulogy for somebody that

00:20:22.714 --> 00:20:24.215

they love and care about,

00:20:24.875 --> 00:20:26.036

somebody that they've lost,

00:20:28.056 --> 00:20:29.137

and they're trying to make

00:20:29.177 --> 00:20:30.257

it through that eulogy

00:20:31.424 --> 00:20:32.285

without crying,

00:20:33.205 --> 00:20:35.507

I feel tense and anxious for them.

00:20:36.328 --> 00:20:37.528

When I see someone getting

00:20:37.628 --> 00:20:38.549

up there and actually

00:20:38.629 --> 00:20:40.370

crying and letting their emotions out,

00:20:40.991 --> 00:20:41.831

I think it's brave.

00:20:42.152 --> 00:20:43.012

I think it's strong.

00:20:43.753 --> 00:20:45.494

And the reason I can think

00:20:45.554 --> 00:20:46.795

that way is because I've

00:20:46.835 --> 00:20:48.316

done the work on my own

00:20:48.356 --> 00:20:50.558

emotions to know that

00:20:50.638 --> 00:20:52.259

showing my emotions makes

00:20:52.339 --> 00:20:55.121

me stronger because I can

00:20:55.161 --> 00:20:56.282

deal with my emotions.

00:20:57.431 --> 00:20:58.632

The people who are weak are

00:20:58.672 --> 00:21:00.332

the people who can't deal with it,

00:21:00.472 --> 00:21:01.753

the people who can't stand

00:21:01.813 --> 00:21:02.974

to see someone else cry.

00:21:03.974 --> 00:21:06.275

That's the part that is weakness.

00:21:06.555 --> 00:21:07.436

Why is it weakness?

00:21:07.996 --> 00:21:09.436

Because you have unresolved

00:21:09.476 --> 00:21:10.377

emotional issues,

00:21:10.417 --> 00:21:11.938

you have unresolved pain

00:21:12.178 --> 00:21:13.258

that's still hurting you,

00:21:13.738 --> 00:21:14.919

and it's making you weaker.

00:21:15.659 --> 00:21:17.800

Not that weakness is a bad thing,

00:21:18.060 --> 00:21:19.521

because we all are weak on

00:21:19.581 --> 00:21:21.342

many levels as human beings,

00:21:22.414 --> 00:21:23.495

But when your emotions,

00:21:23.515 --> 00:21:25.656

when your unresolved trauma,

00:21:25.676 --> 00:21:27.697

your unresolved wounds are

00:21:27.777 --> 00:21:30.138

hurting you and that's making you weaker,

00:21:30.378 --> 00:21:31.339

it's diminishing your

00:21:31.379 --> 00:21:33.700

ability to be the person

00:21:33.800 --> 00:21:35.721

that you truly are at the core.

00:21:35.901 --> 00:21:38.062

That strong, capable, confident,

00:21:38.522 --> 00:21:39.643

connected person.

00:21:39.892 --> 00:21:41.753

creative person who really

00:21:41.853 --> 00:21:44.555

lives underneath the layers

00:21:44.715 --> 00:21:46.075

of all of that pain and trauma.

00:21:46.856 --> 00:21:47.976

I hope I'm making sense.

00:21:48.357 --> 00:21:50.137

I do get passionate about these things.

00:21:50.438 --> 00:21:52.619

And it's kind of why I wish I had done a

00:21:54.539 --> 00:21:55.880

an episode about it because

00:21:56.560 --> 00:21:58.221

writing an episode and then

00:21:59.142 --> 00:22:00.523

being able to speak about

00:22:00.563 --> 00:22:01.684

it after I've written about it,

00:22:01.764 --> 00:22:02.805

then my thoughts are really

00:22:03.005 --> 00:22:04.065

a lot more cohesive than

00:22:04.085 --> 00:22:04.706

they are right now.

00:22:04.786 --> 00:22:05.831

So Margaret,

00:22:05.871 --> 00:22:07.932

thank you so much for becoming a member.

00:22:07.992 --> 00:22:08.973

I really appreciate that.

00:22:09.013 --> 00:22:10.454

It supports the channel really well.

00:22:10.792 --> 00:22:12.593

Those of you who have the capacity,

00:22:12.633 --> 00:22:13.694

I would love it if you would like.

00:22:14.755 --> 00:22:16.076

I would love it if you would

00:22:16.716 --> 00:22:17.557

share the episode with

00:22:17.597 --> 00:22:18.717

someone who needs to hear it.

00:22:19.398 --> 00:22:21.379

That's a good way for YouTube to

00:22:21.920 --> 00:22:23.001

to support my channel.

00:22:23.227 --> 00:22:25.729

I recently found out that 70% of the

00:22:25.789 --> 00:22:26.930

members that came to my

00:22:26.950 --> 00:22:28.151

channel or 70% of the

00:22:28.211 --> 00:22:30.285

subscribers that came to my channel,

00:22:30.285 --> 00:22:31.417

got here because YouTube

00:22:31.437 --> 00:22:33.599

was recommending my comment or sorry,

00:22:33.719 --> 00:22:34.540

my content.

00:22:35.000 --> 00:22:36.001

The reason YouTube is

00:22:36.061 --> 00:22:37.362

recommending my content is

00:22:37.402 --> 00:22:38.123

because people are

00:22:38.163 --> 00:22:39.904

interacting with it by

00:22:40.144 --> 00:22:41.285

subscribing to the channel,

00:22:41.365 --> 00:22:43.167

by leaving comments and by

00:22:43.227 --> 00:22:44.208

showing up at these lives.

00:22:44.268 --> 00:22:45.328

So thank you to everybody

00:22:45.368 --> 00:22:46.109

who's helping that.

00:22:46.565 --> 00:22:49.706

And Kimmy Jo, thank you so much for your,

00:22:50.246 --> 00:22:51.166

I don't know if this is a

00:22:51.226 --> 00:22:52.447

super chat or a super

00:22:52.507 --> 00:22:55.408

sticker because I don't

00:22:55.428 --> 00:22:56.048

know the difference.

00:22:56.488 --> 00:22:58.009

I will fully admit I have no

00:22:58.049 --> 00:22:58.989

idea what the difference is,

00:22:59.029 --> 00:23:00.529

but thank you so much for supporting.

00:23:01.109 --> 00:23:02.070

I really appreciate it.

00:23:02.464 --> 00:23:04.538

McSpunky says it's not manly to cry.

00:23:04.638 --> 00:23:04.998

I heard.

00:23:05.098 --> 00:23:05.438

And yeah,

00:23:05.478 --> 00:23:06.979

that's the message that society

00:23:07.019 --> 00:23:08.881

has given us for such a long time,

00:23:09.461 --> 00:23:09.981

but let's,

00:23:10.382 --> 00:23:12.243

let's seek out more examples in

00:23:12.263 --> 00:23:14.024

the media of men crying and

00:23:14.084 --> 00:23:15.045

expressing emotions.

00:23:15.205 --> 00:23:16.325

And let's seek out more

00:23:16.806 --> 00:23:18.107

movies and TV shows and

00:23:18.127 --> 00:23:20.508

podcasts where men exhibit

00:23:20.608 --> 00:23:21.909

that vulnerability and

00:23:21.949 --> 00:23:25.331

where they have the ability to cry and to,

00:23:25.761 --> 00:23:27.722

and to not feel weak for that.

00:23:28.142 --> 00:23:29.163

One of the things that Tommy

00:23:29.203 --> 00:23:30.063

said when we talked on

00:23:30.103 --> 00:23:31.944

Monday is that he's made an

00:23:32.004 --> 00:23:33.985

intention to connect more

00:23:34.105 --> 00:23:35.805

with the men in his friend group.

00:23:36.226 --> 00:23:36.526

He said,

00:23:36.586 --> 00:23:38.247

I watched my sister and other

00:23:38.307 --> 00:23:40.067

women when they greet each other,

00:23:40.107 --> 00:23:41.528

they hug each other and

00:23:41.548 --> 00:23:42.668

they ask how they're doing

00:23:42.748 --> 00:23:44.129

and they give a real answer

00:23:44.149 --> 00:23:45.950

and they talk about emotions

00:23:46.370 --> 00:23:46.650

He said,

00:23:46.690 --> 00:23:48.231

I just want that to exist in my

00:23:48.291 --> 00:23:49.331

male friend group too.

00:23:49.391 --> 00:23:50.952

And he said,

00:23:50.972 --> 00:23:52.212

I knew if I wanted it to exist,

00:23:52.272 --> 00:23:53.633

I had to start doing it myself.

00:23:53.733 --> 00:23:55.654

So now I want to greet my

00:23:55.914 --> 00:23:57.274

man friends with a hug.

00:23:57.434 --> 00:23:58.775

I want to greet them by

00:23:58.955 --> 00:23:59.775

asking them how they're

00:23:59.855 --> 00:24:01.596

feeling and by talking

00:24:01.636 --> 00:24:02.756

about how I'm feeling.

00:24:02.896 --> 00:24:04.097

I was really sad today.

00:24:04.537 --> 00:24:05.317

How are you doing?

00:24:05.457 --> 00:24:06.418

Are you doing okay?

00:24:06.784 --> 00:24:07.164

So yeah,

00:24:07.204 --> 00:24:08.705

this is the message that we've gotten,

00:24:08.845 --> 00:24:10.225

but we can also change that

00:24:10.325 --> 00:24:11.626

narrative in our little

00:24:11.686 --> 00:24:12.646

circle of influence.

00:24:13.226 --> 00:24:13.847

And hopefully...

00:24:14.270 --> 00:24:15.905

people around us will get that message.

00:24:16.498 --> 00:24:16.945

Patty G,

00:24:17.125 --> 00:24:18.446

you're not defective if someone

00:24:18.506 --> 00:24:20.047

else can't handle seeing you cry.

00:24:20.067 --> 00:24:20.847

Thank you.

00:24:21.608 --> 00:24:22.589

Never believe that something

00:24:22.629 --> 00:24:23.369

is wrong with you.

00:24:23.509 --> 00:24:24.710

It's the other person's issue.

00:24:24.850 --> 00:24:25.731

I feel like that's kind of

00:24:25.771 --> 00:24:27.012

what I've been trying to say.

00:24:27.356 --> 00:24:28.631

Kathy White, I agree with you.

00:24:28.651 --> 00:24:30.753

I think men that cry are real men.

00:24:31.453 --> 00:24:34.275

And I appreciate it so much

00:24:34.616 --> 00:24:37.598

when my partner Samuel is

00:24:37.678 --> 00:24:39.019

willing to cry in front of

00:24:39.059 --> 00:24:40.159

me and express emotion

00:24:40.179 --> 00:24:41.661

because it means that he trusts me.

00:24:42.481 --> 00:24:43.542

to be a safe person.

00:24:43.642 --> 00:24:44.983

He trusts me to show up for him.

00:24:45.203 --> 00:24:47.725

And he trusts me to be able

00:24:47.785 --> 00:24:51.927

to respond appropriately to his sadness,

00:24:51.967 --> 00:24:53.889

his grief, his fear, his anger,

00:24:53.909 --> 00:24:54.609

his resentment,

00:24:54.629 --> 00:24:56.811

like anything that comes up from him.

00:24:57.051 --> 00:24:58.212

But between the two of us,

00:24:59.172 --> 00:25:00.153

our emotions are safe

00:25:00.193 --> 00:25:01.434

together with each other.

00:25:01.714 --> 00:25:03.275

And we're there for each other.

00:25:03.315 --> 00:25:05.677

We built that trust in our relationship.

00:25:05.937 --> 00:25:07.878

And I think it's important

00:25:07.898 --> 00:25:09.219

to have people like that in

00:25:09.259 --> 00:25:10.920

your life who you can trust

00:25:11.120 --> 00:25:12.181

to be vulnerable with.

00:25:12.850 --> 00:25:15.573

Johnny Shepherd, you are welcome.

00:25:15.593 --> 00:25:16.673

I have often said,

00:25:16.714 --> 00:25:17.914

and I will continue to say it,

00:25:18.135 --> 00:25:19.175

thank you so much to my

00:25:19.236 --> 00:25:20.296

subscribers and channel

00:25:20.316 --> 00:25:22.138

members and mods who show

00:25:22.218 --> 00:25:24.720

up here and give each other

00:25:24.740 --> 00:25:26.441

a safe place to talk about

00:25:26.501 --> 00:25:27.762

our difficult emotions and

00:25:27.782 --> 00:25:28.583

our difficult life

00:25:28.643 --> 00:25:29.924

experiences and to be

00:25:30.004 --> 00:25:30.985

supportive of each other.

00:25:31.845 --> 00:25:33.046

this is one of the kindest

00:25:33.106 --> 00:25:34.387

comment sections I've ever

00:25:34.447 --> 00:25:35.508

seen on YouTube.

00:25:35.568 --> 00:25:36.669

This is one of the kindest

00:25:36.749 --> 00:25:39.070

chats that I've ever seen on YouTube.

00:25:39.409 --> 00:25:41.090

And it happens on usually

00:25:41.130 --> 00:25:42.251

Wednesday nights when I

00:25:42.451 --> 00:25:43.412

release an episode.

00:25:43.763 --> 00:25:45.203

Thank you for bringing up

00:25:45.223 --> 00:25:46.404

the topic and for asking

00:25:46.424 --> 00:25:48.004

the question and being vulnerable.

00:25:48.864 --> 00:25:50.585

This is a great safe space.

00:25:50.645 --> 00:25:51.565

We are a good group.

00:25:52.085 --> 00:25:53.906

Most everybody, well,

00:25:53.966 --> 00:25:54.906

everybody that I see in

00:25:54.966 --> 00:25:57.347

here is kind and supportive.

00:25:57.407 --> 00:25:58.607

Every once in a while we get a troll,

00:25:58.647 --> 00:25:59.507

but they don't last long

00:25:59.547 --> 00:26:00.347

because the community

00:26:00.367 --> 00:26:01.148

doesn't tolerate it.

00:26:01.543 --> 00:26:02.884

TC, thank you for bringing this up.

00:26:02.944 --> 00:26:04.045

Sometimes I laugh when I'm

00:26:04.105 --> 00:26:06.026

scared and I'll cry when I'm super happy.

00:26:06.046 --> 00:26:07.743

I don't wanna assign value

00:26:07.763 --> 00:26:09.084

judgments to any of our

00:26:09.184 --> 00:26:10.365

emotional responses.

00:26:11.366 --> 00:26:12.326

Sometimes I laugh at

00:26:12.366 --> 00:26:14.528

inappropriate times and I

00:26:14.588 --> 00:26:15.848

do cry when I'm super happy.

00:26:15.889 --> 00:26:16.169

In fact,

00:26:16.209 --> 00:26:17.309

the first time that I remember

00:26:17.349 --> 00:26:18.630

that ever happening is when

00:26:18.670 --> 00:26:19.831

my little sister was born

00:26:19.931 --> 00:26:20.892

and I was six years old

00:26:21.632 --> 00:26:23.873

And my parents didn't tell

00:26:24.113 --> 00:26:25.654

me what they were having.

00:26:25.674 --> 00:26:26.355

And I don't know if they

00:26:26.395 --> 00:26:27.635

found out in advance or not.

00:26:27.695 --> 00:26:29.436

But I had an older brother

00:26:29.516 --> 00:26:30.537

and I had a younger brother.

00:26:30.697 --> 00:26:31.437

And then there was going to

00:26:31.457 --> 00:26:32.418

be another baby born.

00:26:32.578 --> 00:26:35.380

And when I found out that it was a girl,

00:26:35.640 --> 00:26:37.701

I cried because I was so

00:26:37.781 --> 00:26:40.262

happy to have a sister.

00:26:40.542 --> 00:26:41.643

I felt like an ally,

00:26:41.723 --> 00:26:42.663

like there's going to be

00:26:42.683 --> 00:26:43.624

somebody on my team.

00:26:43.644 --> 00:26:46.105

I was so excited about that.

00:26:46.822 --> 00:26:48.444

You guys showing up for each other,

00:26:48.504 --> 00:26:48.925

I love it.

00:26:49.161 --> 00:26:49.880

Johnny, thank you.

00:26:50.286 --> 00:26:51.275

A lot of people did come

00:26:51.356 --> 00:26:52.377

over here finding me from

00:26:52.437 --> 00:26:53.158

Hidden True Crime,

00:26:53.298 --> 00:26:54.300

and some people came over

00:26:54.340 --> 00:26:55.742

here finding me from Mormon Stories.

00:26:56.799 --> 00:26:59.342

And during the, during the trial,

00:26:59.382 --> 00:27:00.363

when I was putting out a

00:27:00.403 --> 00:27:01.665

lot of trial content,

00:27:02.225 --> 00:27:04.228

my membership grew by leaps

00:27:04.288 --> 00:27:05.970

and bounds and it was amazing to watch.

00:27:06.530 --> 00:27:07.451

And now that the trial's

00:27:07.551 --> 00:27:09.454

over my membership count is

00:27:09.734 --> 00:27:10.735

slowly going down.

00:27:11.416 --> 00:27:12.777

And I think that's okay

00:27:13.038 --> 00:27:14.580

because the people who came

00:27:14.660 --> 00:27:16.101

over here for maybe the

00:27:16.141 --> 00:27:17.423

shock value of me.

00:27:18.146 --> 00:27:19.847

telling family stories or

00:27:19.948 --> 00:27:20.988

being the truth teller in

00:27:21.008 --> 00:27:22.189

the family or saying things

00:27:22.209 --> 00:27:24.031

that other people are not willing to say,

00:27:24.740 --> 00:27:25.640

they're starting to leave

00:27:25.880 --> 00:27:27.141

if they don't like this content.

00:27:27.242 --> 00:27:28.643

And that's perfectly okay

00:27:28.663 --> 00:27:29.684

with me because this is a

00:27:29.744 --> 00:27:30.564

place for healing.

00:27:30.985 --> 00:27:32.486

This is a place for the next thing.

00:27:32.986 --> 00:27:34.488

We are not going to live in

00:27:34.628 --> 00:27:36.813

that land of trial

00:27:37.171 --> 00:27:38.933

toxic family anymore.

00:27:40.274 --> 00:27:41.995

I am going to dig in some

00:27:42.075 --> 00:27:43.156

for the Arizona trial and

00:27:43.196 --> 00:27:43.917

I'll be there for it.

00:27:44.037 --> 00:27:44.197

But

00:27:45.000 --> 00:27:46.801

Beyond that, we're moving on.

00:27:47.001 --> 00:27:47.821

We're moving past.

00:27:47.961 --> 00:27:48.841

We're getting to health.

00:27:48.881 --> 00:27:49.802

We're getting to healing.

00:27:49.902 --> 00:27:52.463

And we're leaving toxicity behind us.

00:27:52.763 --> 00:27:53.663

We're not going to spend the

00:27:53.703 --> 00:27:56.304

rest of our existence talking about that.

00:27:56.644 --> 00:28:00.225

I don't identify as that person's cousin.

00:28:00.745 --> 00:28:03.226

I prefer much more to say

00:28:03.266 --> 00:28:04.847

that I'm Tylee and JJ's cousin.

00:28:05.587 --> 00:28:08.468

And that is a part of my identity,

00:28:08.508 --> 00:28:09.448

but it's not who I am.

00:28:10.312 --> 00:28:11.592

William, thank you for this.

00:28:11.672 --> 00:28:12.833

I can't tell you enough.

00:28:12.873 --> 00:28:14.594

The biggest help for me as a human being,

00:28:14.654 --> 00:28:15.614

find something in your life

00:28:15.634 --> 00:28:17.315

that makes you cry each day of your life.

00:28:18.195 --> 00:28:19.216

And then that day find

00:28:19.236 --> 00:28:20.697

something that makes you laugh out loud.

00:28:20.817 --> 00:28:23.178

And I'm a big proponent of this too.

00:28:23.298 --> 00:28:24.259

Like if I've gone through

00:28:24.299 --> 00:28:26.080

something difficult, I've had a hard day,

00:28:26.100 --> 00:28:28.581

I want to make sure that I

00:28:28.981 --> 00:28:30.742

also temper that with some

00:28:30.782 --> 00:28:31.983

levity and some humor.

00:28:32.563 --> 00:28:34.044

And sometimes it's dark humor,

00:28:34.224 --> 00:28:35.865

but most of the time I try

00:28:35.905 --> 00:28:38.467

to find a comedian that I like,

00:28:38.567 --> 00:28:39.788

or I try to just laugh with

00:28:39.828 --> 00:28:41.108

my kids or find something

00:28:43.089 --> 00:28:44.390

that just brings us some levity.

00:28:44.430 --> 00:28:45.451

I think that's so important.

00:28:45.511 --> 00:28:46.652

And thank you for sharing that.

00:28:47.592 --> 00:28:48.553

Kimmy Jo says,

00:28:48.653 --> 00:28:50.115

my autistic grandson always says,

00:28:50.215 --> 00:28:51.916

I'm feeling some big feelings right now.

00:28:52.477 --> 00:28:54.779

Yeah, I think it's a good place to start,

00:28:54.879 --> 00:28:55.159

right?

00:28:55.413 --> 00:28:56.652

if there is an episode

00:28:56.692 --> 00:28:57.993

where Debra wants to spend

00:28:58.073 --> 00:29:00.395

the day alone just to cry, I love it.

00:29:00.595 --> 00:29:02.417

Like if you know that you've

00:29:02.437 --> 00:29:03.738

got a lot of emotions that

00:29:03.778 --> 00:29:04.739

are just kind of stuck

00:29:04.799 --> 00:29:06.020

inside of you and you don't

00:29:06.100 --> 00:29:08.762

really know how to get them out,

00:29:09.843 --> 00:29:11.064

I would recommend watching

00:29:11.864 --> 00:29:13.585

putting on like make some

00:29:13.605 --> 00:29:15.487

time for yourself, be by yourself,

00:29:15.547 --> 00:29:16.087

be alone,

00:29:16.528 --> 00:29:19.310

put on either a song or a movie

00:29:19.810 --> 00:29:20.931

or something else that you

00:29:20.991 --> 00:29:22.352

know is going to make you cry.

00:29:23.093 --> 00:29:25.155

You will be surprised what

00:29:25.235 --> 00:29:26.095

emotions come up.

00:29:27.897 --> 00:29:29.458

You'll be surprised what you

00:29:29.498 --> 00:29:30.859

can get over when you allow

00:29:30.899 --> 00:29:32.040

yourself to just cry and

00:29:32.080 --> 00:29:33.281

release all those emotions.

00:29:33.901 --> 00:29:35.502

one time I was watching a movie that I

00:29:35.542 --> 00:29:36.243

knew was sad.

00:29:36.303 --> 00:29:37.904

I knew I was going to cry at this part.

00:29:38.573 --> 00:29:39.817

Later on in the movie,

00:29:40.779 --> 00:29:42.123

I started crying again and

00:29:42.444 --> 00:29:44.911

I couldn't figure out what was happening.

00:29:46.366 --> 00:29:48.508

and i was shocked at what

00:29:48.668 --> 00:29:50.389

kept coming up for me when

00:29:50.509 --> 00:29:51.950

i allowed myself to be

00:29:51.990 --> 00:29:53.071

triggered into a crying

00:29:53.111 --> 00:29:55.172

episode and then i like had

00:29:55.212 --> 00:29:56.513

my cry fine whatever and

00:29:56.533 --> 00:29:58.014

then 10 or 15 minutes later

00:29:58.034 --> 00:29:59.675

i was crying again and i

00:29:59.735 --> 00:30:02.497

didn't know why and um when

00:30:02.557 --> 00:30:03.878

i started to dig into it

00:30:03.958 --> 00:30:05.159

and articulate it i was

00:30:05.219 --> 00:30:07.041

really surprised at the

00:30:07.081 --> 00:30:08.442

reason that i was crying

00:30:08.722 --> 00:30:10.103

and the fact that that

00:30:10.183 --> 00:30:11.504

movie brought that up for

00:30:11.544 --> 00:30:12.584

me that didn't even seem

00:30:12.624 --> 00:30:14.746

connected at all but

00:30:15.433 --> 00:30:17.814

You know intuitively right

00:30:17.874 --> 00:30:19.515

now if I told you close

00:30:19.535 --> 00:30:21.116

your eyes and think about

00:30:21.156 --> 00:30:22.357

something that's going to make you cry,

00:30:23.257 --> 00:30:23.898

you could all do it.

00:30:24.418 --> 00:30:24.998

You all could.

00:30:25.558 --> 00:30:27.580

So when you're ready and you

00:30:27.620 --> 00:30:28.920

have some time to yourself

00:30:29.060 --> 00:30:29.821

and you're able to,

00:30:31.252 --> 00:30:32.913

go and think about that

00:30:32.933 --> 00:30:34.054

thing that's going to make you cry.

00:30:34.074 --> 00:30:35.815

And just think about it.

00:30:35.875 --> 00:30:36.976

Just keep thinking about it

00:30:37.176 --> 00:30:39.438

until that emotion all gets released.

00:30:39.938 --> 00:30:41.079

And if you feel like there's more,

00:30:41.579 --> 00:30:42.220

journal about it.

00:30:42.340 --> 00:30:43.561

And if you feel like there's more,

00:30:43.941 --> 00:30:45.142

call a friend and talk about it.

00:30:45.162 --> 00:30:46.303

And if you feel like there's more,

00:30:46.603 --> 00:30:48.824

meditate about it until it all comes out.

00:30:49.645 --> 00:30:51.106

Because I promise you'll feel better,

00:30:51.166 --> 00:30:51.686

number one.

00:30:52.006 --> 00:30:52.967

And number two,

00:30:53.147 --> 00:30:54.328

then you're not spending

00:30:54.468 --> 00:30:56.410

energy stuffing that stuff back down.

00:30:56.882 --> 00:30:58.883

I love this Elton John song.

00:30:58.903 --> 00:31:00.684

It's one of my very favorites.

00:31:02.865 --> 00:31:04.265

Never look in the mirror or

00:31:04.425 --> 00:31:05.566

at yourself on YouTube when

00:31:05.586 --> 00:31:06.186

you're crying.

00:31:06.690 --> 00:31:07.671

Sometimes I do look at

00:31:07.711 --> 00:31:08.971

myself when I'm crying in

00:31:09.011 --> 00:31:10.072

the mirror just because I

00:31:13.313 --> 00:31:14.334

feel like that is me

00:31:14.414 --> 00:31:15.915

witnessing my own pain and

00:31:15.955 --> 00:31:17.475

then I don't need someone else to do it.

00:31:17.575 --> 00:31:18.656

So I don't know.

00:31:19.180 --> 00:31:20.234

TC,

00:31:20.294 --> 00:31:22.335

beauty makes me cry and fear can make

00:31:22.375 --> 00:31:23.475

me laugh because I kind of

00:31:23.515 --> 00:31:24.596

go out of body and it's

00:31:24.636 --> 00:31:25.876

like a movie and it makes me laugh.

00:31:25.956 --> 00:31:26.757

Interesting, yeah.

00:31:27.437 --> 00:31:28.117

There are many,

00:31:28.157 --> 00:31:33.219

many times that I have a

00:31:33.259 --> 00:31:35.120

laugh response when it

00:31:35.140 --> 00:31:36.401

feels weird or wrong for it.

00:31:36.481 --> 00:31:37.801

So no,

00:31:38.181 --> 00:31:39.342

we shouldn't judge ourselves for

00:31:39.382 --> 00:31:40.142

whatever we have up.

00:31:40.262 --> 00:31:40.303

And

00:31:40.303 --> 00:31:42.335

I'm a sympathetic crier as well.

00:31:43.115 --> 00:31:45.556

I've gotten a little bit better about it.

00:31:46.236 --> 00:31:47.637

about it because i don't

00:31:47.777 --> 00:31:49.257

want it to become about me

00:31:50.298 --> 00:31:51.578

if someone else is crying i

00:31:51.598 --> 00:31:52.999

try to just be present for

00:31:53.039 --> 00:31:55.260

them and just witness what

00:31:55.420 --> 00:31:58.141

they're feeling and try to

00:31:58.241 --> 00:31:59.341

ask them questions if

00:31:59.361 --> 00:32:00.162

they're comfortable with

00:32:00.182 --> 00:32:02.343

that to to maybe help them

00:32:02.423 --> 00:32:03.888

dig into it a little bit

00:32:04.261 --> 00:32:04.961

Johnny Shepard, 100%.

00:32:10.985 --> 00:32:12.465

If you have childhood trauma

00:32:13.266 --> 00:32:14.606

that you haven't dealt with

00:32:14.927 --> 00:32:15.847

or haven't resolved,

00:32:16.467 --> 00:32:17.428

it is going to come out.

00:32:18.911 --> 00:32:19.512

at some point,

00:32:19.972 --> 00:32:21.373

and you can't really choose

00:32:21.413 --> 00:32:22.154

when it comes out.

00:32:22.753 --> 00:32:24.915

All of us have unhealed emotional wounds,

00:32:25.155 --> 00:32:26.836

but if you have something

00:32:27.137 --> 00:32:28.978

as huge as this that's

00:32:29.078 --> 00:32:30.159

still sitting with you,

00:32:30.499 --> 00:32:32.160

of course it makes sense

00:32:32.260 --> 00:32:34.442

that you're going to cry at

00:32:34.622 --> 00:32:35.943

things that seem unrelated.

00:32:35.963 --> 00:32:37.955

It's a really difficult...

00:32:38.815 --> 00:32:40.537

heavy thing to have to bear

00:32:40.577 --> 00:32:44.241

that on your own um so i

00:32:44.381 --> 00:32:45.842

hope that you can unpack

00:32:45.882 --> 00:32:47.284

that and i can speak from

00:32:47.344 --> 00:32:48.565

personal experience i know

00:32:48.605 --> 00:32:49.806

how difficult that is and

00:32:49.826 --> 00:32:51.127

i'm i'm here for you and

00:32:51.147 --> 00:32:52.749

i'm here with you i've been

00:32:52.789 --> 00:32:55.792

there and um it's possible

00:32:55.832 --> 00:32:57.394

to heal and to move on and

00:32:57.774 --> 00:32:58.867

have a happy life

00:32:58.867 --> 00:33:00.100

TC, I always tell my grandson,

00:33:00.140 --> 00:33:00.881

it's okay to cry.

00:33:00.961 --> 00:33:02.003

Sometimes you just need to

00:33:02.043 --> 00:33:03.164

cry and then you feel better.

00:33:03.265 --> 00:33:04.006

And yeah, that's,

00:33:05.027 --> 00:33:06.229

that is a great explanation.

00:33:06.249 --> 00:33:06.289

Um,

00:33:06.798 --> 00:33:10.021

Raveena, Mama, I Sober by Kendrick Lamar.

00:33:10.141 --> 00:33:11.041

It's hard growing up in a

00:33:11.101 --> 00:33:11.942

ghetto and it's hard

00:33:11.962 --> 00:33:13.223

growing up on a reservation.

00:33:13.243 --> 00:33:14.324

Yeah,

00:33:15.285 --> 00:33:17.086

so there are a lot of songs out there

00:33:17.126 --> 00:33:19.168

that kind of like touch a nerve with us.

00:33:20.068 --> 00:33:22.063

And it's important to get in

00:33:22.083 --> 00:33:23.364

there and figure out what's

00:33:23.404 --> 00:33:25.709

happening with those emotions.

00:33:25.709 --> 00:33:26.725

What a horrible burden

00:33:27.346 --> 00:33:28.667

society has put on men by

00:33:28.727 --> 00:33:29.988

saying men don't cry.

00:33:30.088 --> 00:33:31.149

Darlene Butler, I 100% agree with you.

00:33:32.863 --> 00:33:33.823

McSpunky says,

00:33:33.843 --> 00:33:35.824

I cry watching movies sometimes alone,

00:33:35.864 --> 00:33:36.284

of course.

00:33:37.024 --> 00:33:37.705

Yeah, me too.

00:33:37.865 --> 00:33:39.045

And I used to do the thing

00:33:39.085 --> 00:33:41.106

where I was pretending that

00:33:41.146 --> 00:33:41.986

I wasn't crying.

00:33:42.026 --> 00:33:43.167

I was trying to wipe away

00:33:43.187 --> 00:33:44.087

the tears without letting

00:33:44.107 --> 00:33:45.548

people know I was touching my face.

00:33:45.608 --> 00:33:47.648

And I was trying to make

00:33:47.688 --> 00:33:49.149

sure nobody saw that I was crying.

00:33:49.589 --> 00:33:52.070

And now I just cry.

00:33:52.090 --> 00:33:53.010

I cry openly.

00:33:53.270 --> 00:33:54.291

And if somebody asks

00:33:54.650 --> 00:33:55.951

why I'm crying or what I'm feeling,

00:33:56.351 --> 00:33:57.992

I'm usually pretty honest about it.

00:33:58.201 --> 00:34:00.442

I'll be specific and tell them why,

00:34:00.803 --> 00:34:02.884

what made me sad or what made me unhappy.

00:34:03.663 --> 00:34:04.684

I cried when I found out I

00:34:04.724 --> 00:34:06.445

was having twins, happy, scared,

00:34:06.505 --> 00:34:06.825

et cetera.

00:34:06.845 --> 00:34:08.386

I'm sure that was a lot of

00:34:08.406 --> 00:34:09.527

emotions to deal with.

00:34:09.947 --> 00:34:11.613

My sister had twins she

00:34:11.673 --> 00:34:13.735

had a lot of mixed emotions about it too.

00:34:14.255 --> 00:34:14.995

It's hard, right?

00:34:15.276 --> 00:34:15.396

And

00:34:16.360 --> 00:34:16.580

Gosh,

00:34:16.620 --> 00:34:19.024

I can't imagine having two babies at

00:34:19.144 --> 00:34:19.324

once.

00:34:20.005 --> 00:34:21.907

That's more power to you.

00:34:23.000 --> 00:34:25.520

Yeah, when you cry and you're so happy.

00:34:26.081 --> 00:34:26.501

I agree.

00:34:26.621 --> 00:34:29.641

Every day we should find

00:34:29.701 --> 00:34:30.801

ways to experience

00:34:31.462 --> 00:34:34.482

emotional peaks and valleys every day.

00:34:34.502 --> 00:34:35.762

I think that's a beautiful thing.

00:34:36.087 --> 00:34:37.512

cried when I found out I was getting

00:34:37.572 --> 00:34:38.713

another brother, lol,

00:34:38.893 --> 00:34:40.513

not from happiness until

00:34:40.553 --> 00:34:41.733

the first time I saw him.

00:34:42.234 --> 00:34:44.534

Darlene, I, I understand totally.

00:34:44.554 --> 00:34:45.035

I get it.

00:34:45.055 --> 00:34:45.095

Um,

00:34:45.640 --> 00:34:46.028

f stokes

00:34:46.048 --> 00:34:46.988

says i still cry very

00:34:47.068 --> 00:34:48.029

easily i don't think i will

00:34:48.069 --> 00:34:50.010

ever stop we my husband's

00:34:50.030 --> 00:34:51.231

sister and her husband and

00:34:51.271 --> 00:34:52.712

four children in a terrible

00:34:52.812 --> 00:34:54.173

accident oh we lost i wanna

00:34:54.393 --> 00:34:55.214

i wanna say probably

00:34:55.854 --> 00:34:56.875

In a terrible accident,

00:34:56.915 --> 00:34:58.436

we raised the two surviving children.

00:34:58.496 --> 00:34:59.376

I'll never stop crying.

00:34:59.457 --> 00:35:00.677

I'm so sorry, F. Stokes.

00:35:00.737 --> 00:35:02.699

That's incredibly traumatic.

00:35:03.541 --> 00:35:04.361

I can't imagine.

00:35:04.381 --> 00:35:04.668

Yeah,

00:35:04.668 --> 00:35:07.340

that's... We have these things that

00:35:08.021 --> 00:35:09.202

sort of get put into our

00:35:09.242 --> 00:35:11.003

lives that we are not prepared for.

00:35:11.243 --> 00:35:13.525

And the only thing that we

00:35:13.565 --> 00:35:15.046

can do is learn how to deal

00:35:15.086 --> 00:35:16.727

with it the best that we possibly can.

00:35:16.747 --> 00:35:16.787

So...

00:35:17.426 --> 00:35:19.127

I'm glad you're here and,

00:35:19.367 --> 00:35:20.368

and you can find support

00:35:20.428 --> 00:35:21.709

and peace and healing here.

00:35:22.433 --> 00:35:23.274

Go Rest High on That

00:35:23.314 --> 00:35:24.734

Mountain made me cry like

00:35:24.794 --> 00:35:26.695

crazy when I was talking

00:35:26.735 --> 00:35:27.835

with Kay and Larry about

00:35:27.855 --> 00:35:29.396

the memorial service and

00:35:29.616 --> 00:35:31.017

asking what music they wanted.

00:35:31.817 --> 00:35:34.058

As a musician who has performed at many,

00:35:34.118 --> 00:35:36.399

many funerals and memorial services,

00:35:36.599 --> 00:35:38.600

I have a set of rules for myself.

00:35:39.580 --> 00:35:42.061

And so I offered what would

00:35:42.101 --> 00:35:43.122

fit within my rules.

00:35:44.122 --> 00:35:46.783

And Kay and Larry came back and said, no,

00:35:46.803 --> 00:35:47.664

we have a different idea.

00:35:47.684 --> 00:35:47.764

Yeah.

00:35:50.355 --> 00:35:51.195

And I wanted more than

00:35:51.275 --> 00:35:52.916

anything to just honor what

00:35:52.956 --> 00:35:54.296

they wanted and needed for

00:35:54.316 --> 00:35:55.216

that memorial service

00:35:55.236 --> 00:35:56.157

because it's not about me,

00:35:56.217 --> 00:35:56.837

it's about them.

00:35:57.677 --> 00:36:00.401

And so when Larry told me

00:36:00.421 --> 00:36:03.962

that Vince Gill was one of

00:36:04.002 --> 00:36:04.982

his favorite performers,

00:36:05.182 --> 00:36:07.203

I immediately turned to Samuel and I said,

00:36:07.524 --> 00:36:08.799

what should I sing at the

00:36:08.839 --> 00:36:09.820

memorial service?

00:36:10.201 --> 00:36:11.542

Larry really loves Vince Gill.

00:36:11.702 --> 00:36:12.302

And Samuel said,

00:36:12.342 --> 00:36:13.443

go rest high on that mountain.

00:36:13.543 --> 00:36:14.603

And I didn't know that song.

00:36:15.564 --> 00:36:16.484

And so he,

00:36:16.824 --> 00:36:18.205

he played it right then and there.

00:36:18.605 --> 00:36:19.626

And I listened to the first

00:36:19.666 --> 00:36:20.566

two lines and I was like,

00:36:20.626 --> 00:36:21.306

I can't sing that.

00:36:21.366 --> 00:36:22.207

And I started to cry.

00:36:22.267 --> 00:36:23.928

And I just said, I cannot sing that song.

00:36:24.188 --> 00:36:24.788

I can't do it.

00:36:25.556 --> 00:36:27.833

you weren't afraid to face the devil.

00:36:28.433 --> 00:36:29.774

That was the line that did it.

00:36:30.345 --> 00:36:31.338

and, and Samuel said,

00:36:31.438 --> 00:36:32.699

why don't you change the words?

00:36:34.855 --> 00:36:36.197

And I was like, okay,

00:36:36.438 --> 00:36:38.100

if I change the words to that one line,

00:36:38.120 --> 00:36:38.881

maybe I can do it.

00:36:39.742 --> 00:36:40.583

And then I said, no,

00:36:40.683 --> 00:36:41.504

that would be so

00:36:41.564 --> 00:36:43.807

disrespectful to JJ and I'm

00:36:43.827 --> 00:36:44.588

not going to change it.

00:36:45.589 --> 00:36:45.750

So.

00:36:47.735 --> 00:36:49.316

I had to have my emotional

00:36:49.356 --> 00:36:50.336

journey with that song.

00:36:51.097 --> 00:36:52.738

I had to listen to it a lot

00:36:52.858 --> 00:36:56.400

and sing it a lot and make

00:36:56.440 --> 00:36:57.740

my peace with it in order

00:36:57.780 --> 00:36:59.701

to be able to sing it at the memorial.

00:36:59.922 --> 00:37:01.362

It was still incredibly difficult.

00:37:01.562 --> 00:37:03.583

And I will also say that I

00:37:03.663 --> 00:37:06.145

stayed backstage and did not listen to

00:37:08.033 --> 00:37:10.255

most of Larry's tribute to

00:37:10.295 --> 00:37:12.116

JJ because I couldn't do

00:37:12.176 --> 00:37:13.638

that and then immediately

00:37:13.678 --> 00:37:14.438

sing afterwards.

00:37:14.478 --> 00:37:16.760

So I had to watch most of

00:37:16.780 --> 00:37:18.421

the memorial service afterwards.

00:37:18.683 --> 00:37:21.225

I had to sort of just be in a safe

00:37:21.285 --> 00:37:22.786

space in a calm place

00:37:23.507 --> 00:37:25.208

before I went and sang the song.

00:37:25.288 --> 00:37:26.349

So this is probably more,

00:37:26.729 --> 00:37:27.590

more information than you

00:37:27.630 --> 00:37:28.471

want to hear TMI.

00:37:28.551 --> 00:37:29.151

Sorry about that.

00:37:29.452 --> 00:37:30.198

Um,

00:37:30.213 --> 00:37:32.034

too many things make me cry happy and

00:37:32.094 --> 00:37:32.394

sad.

00:37:32.415 --> 00:37:33.455

I don't want to,

00:37:34.016 --> 00:37:35.137

I don't want to say too many.

00:37:35.177 --> 00:37:35.877

It's not too many.

00:37:35.937 --> 00:37:36.238

It's the,

00:37:36.358 --> 00:37:37.318

it's the number of things that

00:37:37.359 --> 00:37:38.379

makes you cry and,