I Am That! Fatherhood from a Place of Being - Gary Mahler

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Welcome to the ultimate coach podcast. My name is Philip Bartu, and today I am being joined from well with the wonderful, Gary Mahler from Vancouver. Hello, Gary.

Hello, hello, so wonderful to be with you.

Well, it's been just a joy to connect with you shortly before this call. And in our conversation, what came up was the first time Gary met Steve, he saw a possibility of who he wants to be as a father, as a husband as a man. And since then, he has stepped into that possibility and into that potential. And that's what I would love to hear more about and explore what that potential looks like today. And I'm really excited to have this conversation. And Gary as a coach, but also a father of two is tell us about maybe we can start. Gary just what does it mean for you to be a father,

being a father for me gets to the part of me of when I was a child with all of the wonder and possibility and joy. So I get to re inhabit that was two beautiful human beings that I actually see be born, have actually been with since that time. Most of the time, just within the nature of my work working from home, I have got to be with these two little human beings. And the most beautiful thing about being a father is to be able to be with them in such a way that I can shower them with unconditional love. I can learn from them in all of their open hearted ways of just telling the clearing, crying, screaming, what they want and what they need, and to learn from them how to be patient, how to be playful, how to be loving, how to be kind. And then I get to inhabit a life with them. That shows by example, everything that I'm learning about life. I get to by example be with them. And I don't need to say anything because the kids don't care what I say. They care about how I'm being with them. So that to me is what fatherhood, how I see it and live it and experience it. It's it never stops being there. It's always there for me.

Yeah, that's that's so beautiful. And one little hit. One of the things I heard you say is I get to learn how to be patient. And I remember reading a passage in the book where you went to Steve and saying, you know, can you spend some time with my son Cohen, see if you can help him be more calm and less nervous. And when it turned out he had to work on you. And through your being colon could be more calm and less nervous.

It's funny, it's a little thing about my son is he has been a bundle of activities since he was born. And we put my son into Japanese preschool. And anytime there was some kind of a presentation where all the kids had to sit down dutifully and beautifully. My son would not he would be running around with teachers chasing him in My wife would be in tears, because he would just be so rambunctious, so full of energy, so much ants in his pants. And so much so that my wife was really worried that he had some type of a condition that wouldn't allow him to sit down. And that was really why I said, I really think I need to prepare Cohen for kindergarten. Would you mind if I come and spend some time and he said, I don't really do that. But I'll do that for you. And it was magnificent. So we had a beautiful boy's trip, we took the public transit to the airport, we were on the airplane, we just had so much fun. So much. So you can't wait to do this again. At some point. He's like, I can't wait to go back to Phoenix with you. And it was so beautiful. We walk into Steve's office, and then we've got cookies in this beautiful present. Please open me when you arrive. And I mean, for a kid, you can ask for more. And he was having his cookies. And he got some Legos from Steve and Amy. And then as soon as Steve walks in, big hug to me and right on the floor for 15 minutes with Cohen, talking to him asking him questions I just completely being with Come on. And after 15 minutes said, yeah, he's perfect. We got to work on you. Roll up your sleeves.

Yeah. How old was your son at the time?

So let's see that was so he's nine. Now he's probably I think you need to be six to get into kindergarten. So I'm thinking, six, it would have been five or six. I don't have it

in five or six. So in that moment, how did you? How was it for you to hear that? Your son is perfect.

Oh, I already knew that. Yeah. Yeah, I knew that I I mean, I brought him to be with Steve. But like, I knew that I pretty much you know, having worked with Steve for a while pretty much knew where the responsibility for any problem that I have or think that I have lies. But it was just amazing. I thought they would be together much longer than that. It was like really short. And what occurred was so natural in 15 minutes, I think most people would have needed an hour or more. And there was an instant bond and connection. And within that time he found out about his sister co not so Steve found out about Cohen's sister Kona found out about many things, which were brought into our session. Yes. 15 minutes. Amazing with the five, six year old.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I, I also know that there is a passage where you say that Steve was loving the sinus out of your daughter, Kona. And he referred to be to refer it as one of the most extraordinary things you've experienced. So the book kind of stops there. And I kind of I would love for you to just share with us what, what happened.

It's so within the session. And it was beautiful, because this is a testament to Steve where he had it that Amy would be with Cohen, and brought Cohen down to where Steve's grandchildren play in a me read to him was with him. And after our session, when I went to that room and saw how Amy was with him, that was something I want to touch as well, which was one of the most beautiful sights I've ever seen. But in the session, we went directly to me. And we started off with Cohen, regarding the nature of who he is in the need for expression around physical activity, and who we need it to be my wife and I in terms of an allowance of that without any judgment of that. So within the story I told you earlier for my wife to have someone doing what doesn't really seem what should be going on within her Japanese culture was really a big problem for her. Right. And there was something within me that could not make that a problem that would not have to fix her problem that would not have to fix Cohen. And I could actually be with him in a way that allowed time for physical expression which would allow that to go out so to actually be physical with him, then to have him in his tired state to be close to me and Allow me to talk to him be with him. And I don't know what's occurred from there other than hearing that and then changing myself towards my wife and to him. But at nine, he's a voracious reader any moment that he can. He is on his beanbag chair with a book open. He is teaching his sister how to read there is something that we loved him to be exactly him and it just shifted. Regarding Kona, he shared that his grand son was also very shy, and he said how Amy and him were going to love the shyness out of them. You said, people will come to you and say, Is your daughter shy? And he said, some words exactly like this. I wrote them down. And they were very helpful. Instead of saying to people, yes, she is or deflecting, saying, No, she's not every time and they would say that in front of her. Some people might say that, but to me, she's extremely present. And she's my connection to what's going on because she sees everything. And I love her exactly the way she is. And she's becoming more corner each day. And I remember when she started, preschool, kindergarten, pre kindergarten, preschool, daycare, she would not play with anyone and I would say, Did you play with anyone today? And she says, No, I did not. They said, that's beautiful. Please don't ever change. I love you the way you are. And eventually she played with the teacher. And eventually she played with someone. And I kept on telling her please, never change. I love you the exact way you are. And now the latest thing was she's in grade one and they have the all star of the week, which is kind of a showing talent. She read a book to the class and taught the class how to draw from a book by Mo Willems called the pigeon has to go to school. There's not a hint of shyness. She I don't know what occurred. But within that session, who I was being with them, in the rambunctiousness in the shyness, everything, everything shifted.

You know, what's the most amazing thing I'm hearing in this story, which I'm really touched by is that it sounds if you look at the word, please never change. It sounds controlling. But the place you were at when you were being was just a place of I accept everything. And everything that you are in this moment. Yeah. And so you're, there's nothing about you that needs to change for me to love and accept you. But if you look at the language, leaves never change. It could even feel like oh, well, I have to be this way. Otherwise, I'm not loved. And let's just again, it comes back to what you were saying earlier that it's really doesn't. It's not what you say, and but it's people that the kids will get it from who you're being in. Gotta get it from your being.

And they're gonna get it by me holding them and telling them I love you just the way you are. Please don't ever change. I love and accept you exactly the way you are. It doesn't matter what people say about you. It doesn't matter. None of that matters. I love you the way you are.

And Gary, I just want to say thank you to all Wow, just I'm going to be a father in August for the first time.

Congratulations.

Thank you so that the the reason for speaking to you was also some self interest. And I and I and I say this also for all the parents or parents to be just how I feel just listening to you. More connected to myself and to my child and to my baby boy, which will come in August. I really feel that whatever comes out whoever shows up. My job is to love and accept. And I say this just recently over. I have some there's a word for it, which is gender disappointment. I was really hoping for a girl And it was a boy. And in that moment, I felt guilty for having a preference almost like I should just want a healthy baby in Hawaii. why did why do I even care, but I did care. And we had a gender reveal party and it was a boy and I was making, I was disappointed. And a couple of days after I felt I needed to tell just my baby boy and in my mom's in her in so I went to my wife put my hand and I just I just said that, you know, you are loved and accepted just as you are and you are perfect. And in me just expressing that. It was almost like there was all my this whole gender preference and stuff. Just it was like it just shifted. It was so not important. And then I got really excited about yeah, having a little having a boy and Lina that of course. Then I started looking at all the great things about a boy and what have you. But I just want to come back to your the way that you said that. And I'm imagining just you know, being toner, feeling so deeply seen and loved. And I think that's one of the biggest gifts that I see in the way you relate with your children is you see them. You really see them. And they feel seen.

I see them. I accept them. I allow them. I allow everything that being apparent is sometimes it's not fun.

Yeah. How do you allow those? Yeah, how do you how do you allow the full catastrophe Lee what's not a fun piece?

I just don't make it not fun.

That's so good. Tell it could you share a story about taking a full catastrophe and just making it fun.

So yesterday, we had an Easter egg hunt. And my boy is nine but he's very pure. He's just very simple. He just loves soccer. He loves life. He's very impulsive. And around the house, his sister was finding everything and he found nothing. And he was really upset. But he had a meltdown. He was crying. The Easter Bunny doesn't love me. And I think he knows that there isn't an Easter Bunny. But still, he was like, just wailing. And my wife's like he stomped away, what are we gonna do? And I just said, Leave it to me. And I just sit down next to him and he crumbles on the stairs. And it just takes whatever time it took. And it took a long time. And then this sister came to give him some of the swag that she found. And he just threw it away. I don't want that. And I said, that's fine. Gonna just, that's fine. And I just sat with him. Yeah. And then after whatever time it was, I took out my phone. And it's my kids have no electronics policy. And I don't do it because I'm woke or anything is just during the pandemic. I didn't like how there were becoming with electronics. And we just wanted them to play with drawing and paper and reading. But I pull out the phone and we put on some Instagram stories. And there's like cute animals rolling in pandas doing whatever pandas do. And he slowly gets out of it. So, you know, my wife really wanted something different, but we got what we got. And you just sit with it. And I say gonna take it easy on the, you know, Easter egg hunt for now. And she's like, No problem.

Yeah, so much. That's yeah. Oh, that's that's really I can just picture that and, and how that's just how that unfolded? I'm curious about the word discipline. And how does that how does discipline show up in your house? And will what how would it? How is it even show up in your parenting style, if at all?

I can, I can tell you how it did before working with Steve, and how it does now. And I can tell it in Cohen's words. I remember when I was a baby are really young. And I remember and I can see what it's like now and I said, So tell me about that. And he's like, Well, now, I don't really see you get angry or impatient with me. He, and it used to be a daily occurrence, he would say not those words, but he would say it happened every day.

So you're just less angry. You just don't get angry and you don't get triggered in the same way.

Oh, I get angry, I get triggered inside. But I just don't make that a problem. Gary, I love you the way you are, please don't ever try to change, right? I inhabit a life of freedom playfully impatiently. So I'm as playful and patient with my own nonsense with internally that I don't need to do anything with Yeah, and I really take stock and where my breath is where I am. And it's like, I this is a declaration that I've created with Steve, my whole document is a declaration that I am that with a capital T. So I can be free to be with myself. However I show up. And that really shifts how I can be with gold, what's going on? And I just asked myself, What do I want? Whatever I want with my life? How do I want to spend my time? And what do I want to create? So I just come back to that. And I take care of myself. And it's funny at the beginning of this call, you said can you turn on the cameras that I can and it's dark here and I don't turn on the lights, it was like pitch black, you could see it. I wake up early. In preparation for this call, I wake up early in preparation for the day, I tune this instrument called Garry. So that whatever shows up, I'm not really too perturbed or surprised by it, I'm ready to be who I am, no matter what occurs. So in terms of discipline, man, I don't even think in terms of those things anymore. I come from that session with Steve being much different to myself and to them. And I just all that I want to do is come from love and be forgiveness and understanding in every situation. And if I can do that, I'm generous and warm hearted. Yes. I'm playful, impatient. I'm free. And I create this like moment moment. There's always something in who I am that's coming up that I'm breathing into that all my brain has time for is that creation, not some other stuff to seep in. Yes.

So if we're just gonna rewind to the first time you met Steve, you said that there was a potential that you saw in him wasn't present in you. Can you share more about that?

So I met Steve Chandler's ACS, that coaching prosperity School. And in when he was running these things, there's three live events that you can go to I couldn't make the first one. I had other plans. So I go to Scottsdale, I don't know anybody from 40 coaches that are there, feeling a little bit out of, you know, out of my league, so to speak, just because everyone knows each other. And I'm kind of there and I don't know anyone. And then day two comes and everyone's talking about some guy named Steve Hardison, and I'm like, I don't know who that is. But okay. So I'm walking, and then some guy in a flashy suit, and a woman all dolled up in a Porsche drive up, and I'm thinking this guy must be this or he's here for a wedding. Then he comes in and we sit down. And from the moment he hit the stage, the acknowledgments that he gave to Steve Chandler, that he gave to his wife checking in on her to how he was presenting himself to the room, like there was such security and purpose to why he was in that room with us and what he wanted to share which had nothing to do with coaching or with how to build a business. It was really and you didn't say it in those terms back then, but who he was being and it hit me. It hit me there's something in here in how he treats his wife and how he acknowledges Steve Chandler and how he loves himself, not in an egotistical way. But love is just emanating from every pore. That hit pretty hard, in a good way.

What was it in you? That you said, Oh, I don't feel like I'm quite. I don't know if I would say I'm quite there yet. But then something in you so much like something in you woke up. Like the possibility of you being that? That's what I'm hearing.

Yeah. I got the mic and I don't like it not at that time now I'm fine with mics. But at that time to pick up the mic and talk to people, I just didn't do it. I didn't want to do it. It was not what I wanted. But I was like, No, I need the mic. And if you guys don't know me, some of you know me online before we met here, but I gotta just tell you, I had an idea about myself that I was pretty, you know, yeah. knew the scene around being a dad. And I'm nothing like that. Yeah. And from this day, I'm making a declaration that I am that that declaration was very interesting, because it wasn't like, I need to do something in order to get it. It was a declaration that I am that I am the best man has been father and coach. That's who I am. I'm declaring it. I forgive myself for not being it or not seeing myself as it. And something from that thing, where you've got Steve and Amy and Steve Chandler on the stage. And maybe it was an hour, maybe two, something shifted. And I had an idea I needed to meet this man. And I had another idea that I cannot meet this man because he is going to see through me so hard core that I don't think hanging and be able to handle it. And I didn't reach out to him for at least six, eight months that I wanted to meet with.

Oh, wow. Wow. Well, Gary, I want to just take a moment to share how the way that you describe Steve, the way that you described him as love just pouring out of him, and how he just shifted your being. I've experienced you that in that manner. From the beginning of our conversation, just being here in your presence. I've tapped into such a beautiful space inside of me, my heart is more open. And I just feel like there's this incredible vibration of love that you live in that so tangible and palpable and it's sort of like you just it just exudes out of you onto those in your presence. And so I just want to say how I don't know what is the potential that you saw for yourself. But I do know that who you are being today in this moment is an extraordinary loving human being and I appreciate you so much from who you're being and what I get to experience just being here on this call with you.

Thank you for that beautiful acknowledgement which I just accepting gratitude and humility. To me, there's nothing more important in my life than what you just spoke there's nothing that I could do with my life. That's more important than living this moment to moment. Yes. It's why I work with Steve all the other stuff occurs my business gets better my life gets better, but I'm not hiring him for that I'm hiring him for me with me and then me with you and me with all of the garbage that comes out in this mind. Yeah. And knowing that I don't have to participate with any of that. And I am not weird thoughts that pop up I am that I can be with me however I show up or wake up and love that so much that there's no blocks to something greater. I am pure connection to the all powerful and I create what it wants. And if I get to that place where I'm a bit player in this movie, pretty much what it wants coincides with what I want because I am it and I never really worry about what I'm creating. I don't worry if it'll happen. I Don't worry what it takes to happen. It's a very simple way of life and living that I live. And it's what do I want? What I want is a life of peace and love and kindness. Within that, what do I get to create? And how do I want to spend my time that is all that I inhabit daily. So this call men, I knew 530, that's perfect time for me up, I'm up early. By the time we finish this call, it's Easter Monday, the kids and wife will be up. Maybe at the end of this call, maybe after because they're going to sleep in. And I get to inhabit this time with you in the stillness of my office where I do my coaching. I just, oh, that's what I want.

Yeah, that's one thing I want to say just what does success mean to you? What does it mean to be successful?

It means nothing. It means nothing. I don't know what that means. If you say what this loving mean, that means something to me. Okay.

So, so just just in that manner, and I think that's an amazing answer. What? What does it mean, to be a successful father?

Again, it means nothing. Because whatever I would determine to be successful. I'd have to defer to whatever my kids experience me as an human being with them. I don't know what success or failure means. If I'd be thinking about success, I'd have to be something about failure. Either I'm impeccable or I'm not.

Yeah. impeccable. With your word. With yourself is your integrity.

Is that what I'm hearing? Yeah, no, I am impeccable in all I do and who I am being and when I'm not, I forgive myself for judging myself is not an I just get back to doing my job. This is the thing. I love my wife, Kim Chang, that's her nickname, Cohen, and Kona, my son and daughter with all my my, I lay my life down for them. When I forget this, I come back to loving kitchen, Cohen and corner with all my mind, and I lay my life down for them. I am the best man has been father and coach. I am eternal, I am forever back home. And my mere presence alone helps everyone I mean, come back home to themselves as if for the very first time. I am madly, deeply devoted to you and in love with you. And this is what I say to life. I say to myself, I say to my wife, I say to people I meet, I am the son, that wave that washes over your broken heart, the one that seeks soothing, cooling and healing. I am the eternal wave that crashes and breaks over your yearning soul that has you become a lie. The knowing that I am that this is the first time I am

in one in a podcast episode where I actually feel there is so much love and wisdom in the silence that I'm just feel sort of drawn to almost be in the sacredness of that space of the receiving of the words that you just shared the possibility in being that in all of us. And I'm very, very moved Gary, from who you're being from the way that you have showed up in our conversation today and you've done a you've done a pretty average job answering questions, but an outstanding job and who you're being answering those questions. And if you just I would just imagine if you read the like those words without the place they're coming from when would just wouldn't, wouldn't really do anything? So I want to just acknowledge you and who you're being and just the power that that you have and in the knowing I love who you are, as a father as a human being as a coach, and as Carrie mother. That's

one of the greatest acknowledgments that I've ever received. Because I believe that the Divine is in the mundane enough that I have answered every question average, and the being has shone through. That's my life.

That's it,

I don't need to be any superstar rock star. I don't need any of those accolades. If I can live a life of greatness within the mundane of just my connection to the Almighty. And make it as simple as waking up and having a coffee and loving that. That gives everybody hope within their particular circumstance, to have an extraordinary life without being on a beach and valley or wherever it is, people think they need to be in whatever they think they need to do. There's not a lot you need to do.

I have a post it on my computer that says there's nothing you need to do as much as you need to be. What a beautiful way for us to complete this conversation. And before we do, I wanted to ask you, if there's anything you would like to say,

there is, and I'm wondering if you have a couple of minutes to help me with the promise that I made. Steve in my last session with them on Thursday. And it would be wonderful to do it here.

Please take your time.

So when I had my be with many years ago, I think it was 2015 or 2016. There was a song and I'll give you the link to Spotify. And I'd like you to put it and if people choose to listen to the song, please don't listen to it as if you're going to like it for the music or what style it is or what genre it is. But it was a song that hit me super hard when I was young. And it really speaks to who you're being in your life. And I remember playing it for Steve at my Wii with and I played it for Steve, at my last session, and we were both in tears. And it speaks to an ask the question in one of the refrains? Do you love your wife? Do you love your children? Are you laying down your life for them? And what about the other? Do you make the poor man beg you for a bone? We were in tears weeping. And he said, please make a post about this. I went to the Wii was session to say there's something when I was a young man listening to this that touched me and I have not been this, I want to be this. When I played it again, for Steve, we were in tears. And I said, I am this. I loved my wife. I lay my life down for her. When I forget this, I just go back to doing what my job is, that be with created something within me to create what it took to work with Steve. And then what you're experiencing now is what I wanted, I just wanted the eyes of love. However I show up. Yeah. whoever I'm with. And that's it. I wanted that that created what needed to occur, to work with Steve to continue working with Steve. And to create a life that has mediocre answers, actually, in a way of being that actually transforms. I don't got silver bullets. I don't got magic things. I really am one of the most normal people you could ever meet. But the things that are created with me and God are extraordinary.

I can totally see that. Feel that and acknowledge you for sharing that. And I'll ask you to send me the link to this song and we'll put it in the show notes. So for those of you that are listening, check out show notes and we click into the link so that you can have a listen to that song as the first thing I'm going to do as we finish out as we can play our conversation. Gary Marla, thank you You so much for who you are being today. For the light that shined through that shined through the average notice in your in your words, because that's that's really also love that you see that the beauty and the power of that. And I have been moved. And something in me has shifted, that are not even able to put into words just by being here with you. And for that gift. I thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

You're welcome. You're welcome. You're welcome. Thank you for reaching out the way you did and immediate action, this is something I'd like to do. And then just the call to action, here's something you can do. brought us here in very short order. Yes, thank you.

Well, thank you also to our listeners, for taking the time to tune in today. And for listening to Gary Marlowe. If there's anything that if anyone would like to connect with you or to know more about you and your work, Gary, what would be the best way for them to do that?

On Facebook is where most people kind of meet up with me. So just Gary Mahler. Also, you could reach me at restart at Gary mahler.com those emails get to me, my website tells a bit about me people say it kind of feels like me. And I guess because I wrote it. And I took at least 90% of what I wrote. Yeah, Gary mulder.com, you can see a bit about me. Those are the main places, I'm not big on social media. And if you look at my Instagram account, it would be every social media marketer would say it's horrible, because all it is is just pictures of me and my kids and where I travel down. It's just basically just a photo album of my life.

And you know, we haven't even touched on this. But I also want to say that you are one of the most successful coaches out there in success means nothing. But maybe in just a few enough, just a few words, what does your coaching practice look like?

Wow, that's such a good question.

It looks like this conversation we've just had, it looks like people sent something in me that in me, there will be someone met, anything can be shared with that will be received without judgment, that a wisdom of a full catastrophe of living 56 years has some wisdom plus training and living all over the world running a successful manufacturing company for over 25 years brings. So it looks like all manner of people in various industries that largely have succeeded. And there's something that didn't add up. Something that didn't quite pay out. Like they thought they've got the success, they've got everything much like I did. Those are the people that come to me, in addition to people that have some strong desire to create something and have no idea how to do it. And in short order, we see well, let's work on who you're being. And let's see what occurs in all of your life. And the result will be beyond what you even could imagine. So essentially, my coaching practice compresses time. It is time spent being together for six months or for one year as your coach. And within that you get all of me you become family, you become part of me. And the ones that are really, really want to do some extra special work are ones that fly to see me in Hawaii and I spend two days with them or five days with them. And I'm in their life for two or five days, whatever you've experienced in this call. We'll be together for two full days, we'll be together for five full days. And that's what it looks like.

Nothing short of magic. I'm trapped. In that silence in that space of stillness, filled with love and wisdom and possibility. A will bring this conversation to an end and will bathe in the energy that we have shared together. And I feel deeply deeply nourished from our time together. During this conversation, thank you for listening, thinking entering Marla. Have a beautiful day.