What to do About Emotions – Especially the BIG Ones

Welcome to the wealth and wellness podcast with me Kalee Boisvert, I specialize in helping people to achieve their financial goals. I have a love for all things numbers, and I'm passionate about financial literacy. My goal is to spark healthy and positive conversations around wealth and investment and create a world where nobody is limited by their financial situation. But wealth is just one piece of the equation of living our best lives. So join me as we explore both wealth and wellness topics. From your net worth to your self worth. Get ready to take confident action. Hello, this is Kaylee and thank you so much for tuning in to this episode of the wealth and wellness podcast. Today we are joined by a guest who's been on the podcast before so back by popular demand and we are joined by Amanda Hess. So Amanda is a certified life coach who helps women stop doubting themselves and start trusting themselves. So they can create the life they actually want. She turned her own life of insecurity into one of abundance. And she's passionate about helping other women do the same. And she's also the host of a podcast. So a fellow podcaster and her posts, her podcast is wonderful. So I highly recommend it to add it to your list. If you're a podcast listener, obviously you better be if you're listening to this, and it's called How to love yourself no matter what. So thank you so much, Amanda for being here. Again. I loved our conversation. It's been probably I think about a year or so since without aired. So I was like we need to have another chat. So yes, thank you so much for being on the podcast. And I guess just to start, can you give us share with listeners a little bit about you your journey and kind of what your what brought you to do this work?

Yeah, well, first of all, Kalee, I just want to say thank you for having me on the podcast. Again. It's so much fun. We have such a good connection. Like we were chatting before this for quite a while and it was so fun. I miss talking to you every week. It's just so fun to be able to connect. And I'm just really grateful to be here and to talk to you again today. It's so nice. Um, tell you a little bit about me. I guess what I would say is that Yeah, as you said, I'm a life coach. And I live in BC and Canada. And I'm a mom, I have two two boys. I have a 14 year old and an 11 year old. And Kaley is also my financial advisor. Is that right? Is that what I call you? Yeah. So I trust Kaylee with all my money, and I feel very secure and safe. So I very much grateful for that. Ultimately, I became a life coach. Because I really had struggled in my life for quite a while. And I had really big emotions that came out at very unfortunate times, sometimes. And ultimately what I experienced was feeling like I was on an emotional roller coaster all of the time. And it was exhausting, and difficult. And I found myself just creating results in my life that I didn't like I didn't like the relationship that I had with my husband. I didn't like the relationship that even I had with my kids. And I especially didn't like the relationship that I had with myself. And through many, many hours and years of therapy, and a lot of other things I found coaching and coaching is what really changed my life coaching is what I finally found that allowed me to change how I viewed myself. And when I learned how to do that. And I learned how to deal with my big feelings and feel my feelings and really change how I thought about things. I was just able to really change everything in my life. But most importantly, I was able to start approving of myself and liking myself. And that is something that I never had for so long. And it just really was the biggest gift and so once I learned how to do that, I just made it my mission to teach it to anybody that would listen. So I just I decided to become a certified life coach and I have created a business around it and it is really my passion to help as many women as I can have that kind of shift and have that kind of change so that they can live a life where they actually like who they are, like their life like the people that are in it. Just really feel connected. to themselves, because I think that that's everything.

I love that that's beautiful. And obviously, your own journey, bringing you to wanting to give back and help other women going through that. And I think when I found you initially, it just resonated with me so well, because my business too, it's very much focused on women and supporting women. And I can see that like, through and through with everything you do. And it is just different to get that perspective of a woman who gets it, who's been through it, who knows exactly, you know, what we're talking about, and what we're going through. And so I've so enjoyed getting to know you working with you, and having you on on these and the live lunch and learns and as well, because it's it's just it definitely speaks to me, it speaks to the audience, everything you do. So we wanted to talk today and you kind of alluded to it as well in your past and what you've gone through, but those big emotions, and even before we started recording, I was talking to you a little bit about some of the anxieties I have with with COVID. And you know, my daughter being the age she is and and I just did what you kind of walked me through sort of set me at ease through that. So can we talk a little bit about big emotions, because I think there is still a lot of that going around, or we're still in, you know, the midst of it. And there still is a lot of confusion and different information and a lot of negativity and our lives are still, you know, different and not fully the way they were pre COVID. And so yeah, can we chat a little bit about that those big emotions, and

yeah, pick up emotions, you know, are something that get a bad rap, like, we really look at feeling deeply sad, or feeling anxious or feeling depressed as being a problem, and to the point where we really like labeled as being like, a disorder. And I'm not saying that there aren't disorders around that. But I also think that there is normalcy and feeling those emotions as well. I think that it is normal to feel anxious, I think it's normal to feel depressed, I think it's normal to feel rage. I think all of those emotions are normal. The thing is, is that when we think about those emotions, I think that all of us can agree, or most of us could agree that those are big emotions, right? Like those are ones that we know how that can manifest, and how that can create potentially results that we don't like in our life. So even when you look at, you know, COVID and everything that's going on right now, whether you live in Canada, which is where Kaylee and I live, or you live in the US or you live somewhere else on the world, the reality is, is living through a global pandemic, there are a tremendous amount of things that are happening that are beyond our control, we just don't have control over them, we don't have control over what the government does or does not do, we don't have control over what our family does, or does not do. So like I actually coach women who are experiencing, you know, these big emotions, because they have family members that are unvaccinated, and they're vaccinated or vice versa. Just the way that people navigate their day, whether or not they wear a mask, whether or not they're an anti mask, or like all of these things that are going on right now, just the majority of that is not within our actual control. Because of course, the only people that we can control ourselves. And the reality is, is that when we have big emotions that come from that, when we feel anxious, because our kids are going to school, and they aren't able to be vaccinated, and maybe we wish they could be or even if you don't, if you're worried about them going to school and potentially coming into contact with COVID and getting sick. It's understanding that the anxiety that you're feeling is just information. Really what it is a big emotion is is an information and what it's telling you is that you have thoughts and beliefs about what's happening that are creating that emotion that creates a actual an actual physical sensation in your body. And when we feel that physical sensation, we have coping mechanisms that we have in place to deal with those things. I mean, most of us have, like gotten this far. And so, you know, we like have things that we do to help us cope. And then we layer a lot of judgment on top of that. And what we like to do is we like to judge the feeling as the feeling is the problem. The feeling isn't a problem. The feeling is just information. It's just telling us what's going on in our head, and then in our body, right? So when we feel anxious, for instance, really what happens is that our body kind of goes into Fight or Flight. So we have a nervous system reaction like our nervous system actually gets involved. We start if you feel anxiety, you probably start pumping adrenaline, so then you pump the adrenaline your heart rate increases, you know, you get hot, you can feel kind of jittery. Like there's an actual physical response from our body. And so where we go in on it, as a society, I would say is that we go in on it from the standpoint of, we need to fix the anxiety. Right? Like, obviously, the anxiety is the problem. But I don't believe that's true. And I think we're doing ourselves a disservice by doing that. Because then what happens is, we really kind of make ourselves a problem. we tell ourselves basically, that what we're feeling is a lie, that we shouldn't be feeling that way that we're feeling. And that is what starts creating all of these problems. Because if you really think about it, right, I wrote some notes here so that I would stay on track, because I tend to get a little wordy.

But when you really think about it, if you think about how we're motivated how our brains are motivated as human beings, like, do you know about the motivational triad? Is that something you're familiar with? No. Okay, so the motivational triad, basically what it is, is, it's the three things that really motivate us intrinsically as human beings. And the first thing is, we seek pleasure. The second thing is we avoid pain. And then lastly, we want to conserve energy. So that's how our brains, left unmanaged, left to their own devices. That's how they work. And it's really good to know. So if you think about having a really intense emotion, and you experience feeling anxious, or you feel angry, or you feel shame, immediately, your brain is like pulling in that information, like, Oh, she's feeling this emotion. And then it's like, well, this is this is not good, right? We can't do this. So I need to seek pleasure. So then what will sometimes do if we're feeling those emotions, is we'll pour yourself a glass of wine, right? Like, oh, I was I had a bad day, just gonna have a glass of wine? Well, of course you are because it feels good. Like immediately since stimulates the pleasure response in your brain. Or you might go for comfort food, right? Or you might binge eat. Same thing, like you're actually creating endorphins, it actually is a pleasurable feeling in your brain. Now the other thing that your brain might do is it might avoid pain. So what that can look like is like scrolling your phone. Because what it does is it shuts your brain up. Now you don't have to think anymore. Right? That's why you do it. Are you like go binge, your favorite show? You don't have to think if you're bingeing your favorite show, right? So it makes sense, like you're just avoiding the pain. So I think that it's always good to just really notice that that's all that's going on. And this is all just really, really good information. Because at least you know, that it's not because you're deficient as a human being. It's not because you're a bad mom. It's not because you are unmotivated, or somehow, like lazy. It's none of those things. It's just that you feel this big, scary emotion and your brains like oh my gosh, I need to protect you. Let me help. The problem is, is it creates this vicious cycle where you go and you drink and then you're hung over the next day or you know, you consume too many calories and now you've gained weight and you wanted to lose weight. Or you were supposed to like do laundry or work or something and instead you like watched eight hours of you know, whatever show we all do it like we all do it, I'm sorry. But unless you're a monk, I guarantee some thing that you do, right? So it's just like, what happens though, is that the results that you do to avoid the pain or to create the pleasure ultimately, to make yourself feel okay? It just like compounds the emotion, right? So it really is like, compounding the pain. And what we want to do is we want to actually start feeling our feelings and what we think is Oh, but I'm already feeling them like I feel bad all the time. Like all I do is feel bad. That's not really true. Because most of the time you're not feeling it at all right like you're running away from it, you're hiding from it. But we get into this like weird place where we want to judge it. And judging it just doesn't really work. So we want to pull away from judging that. And that's like the very first step right? is understanding that. The reality is where do I, where do our feelings come from? Like, you know this, right? Because we worked from work together before, but like, really think about, like, where do our feelings come from? They come from our thoughts, right? Our feelings come from our beliefs. And

it's okay, there's like, no wrong or right thought or feeling. It's just knowing, or it's just knowing that we have them. And that when we're thinking things, it creates feelings, periods. So one thing to keep in mind, one thing that I believe and one thing that I teach my clients is that we should be feeling negative and positive emotions 50% of the time, like it should be 5050. So 50% of the time, we should be feeling positive emotion and 50% of the time, we should be feeling negative emotion, and that's normal. But what we end up doing is we end up spending so much time and energy, avoiding negative emotion, that we actually become hyper focused on the results of like what we're creating on the other side. So we become really focused on things like, our weight, how much money we make, whether or not we are a good enough parent, what success we think we have, or we don't think we have, right? Like, we become hyper focused on that, because we think that that's what's creating our feelings. But it doesn't actually create our feelings, it's our thoughts and our beliefs that create our feelings. So we just get it all mixed up, and it creates like, all this confusion. So that makes sense.

It does like I like how you talked about the information. And those three. Yeah, like seeking pleasure avoiding pain. Like that explains why I watched all of squid game in one sitting and ordered pizza at the same time. Yes, right.

So much better just knowing like, oh, that wasn't because there's something wrong with me. That's just because my brain felt some pain. And it was like, Oh, no, we need to fix this right now. This is too hard for you. Let me help you. Yeah, that's it. And we all do it. And I think that we get really into this place where we're in this comparison place as well, where we're comparing ourselves to what other people are doing. And we're really looking outwardly for affirmation that we're doing, okay. But instead, we really want to go inward, we really want to start thinking about, what is my experience right now? How am I feeling right now. And the thing about big feelings is that we just don't know what to do with them. And we're so afraid that we're going to start feeling that feeling, and that it's going to take over, and that we're not going to be able to dig ourselves out. And that's going to be the end and we're going to die. And our brain is kind of telling us that that's true, too. Yeah. So we have to start really looking at it differently. Because what I noticed is that a lot of people that do thought work. And so a lot of women that I do come into contact with, they understand the concept of like, I need to have gratitude, and I need to think positively. And I need to like really address like really creating thoughts and feelings on purpose. They understand that work. But where we get stuck is thinking that we can do it right away. Because that's a long game. That's not your short game. So like when you're feeling intense anxiety, for instance. And you notice like, you'll know when this is happening, so it's not like you're like, oh, anxiety, and the cloud comes over. And that's what you feel instead. It's almost like this nagging little thing that keeps popping up, like you're in the shower, and you're like, Oh, God, I feel it. And then you're going to bed you're like, I can't sleep because I feel it. And you just notice that that's like building for you. That's how you know that you're starting to like really feel that intense emotion and it's popping up for you. And the reason why it keeps popping in and out is because you're not feeling it, because you're avoiding it. But Hmm. We want to know that we're going to be okay, we need to create some safety for ourselves. Because that fight or flight response is really what's being triggered. Right? Because what ends up really happening is you have a physical sensation in your body, and then you panic. Yep, that's it. That's all that happens. But if we can start creating some safety for ourselves, then we can start reducing that reaction. And we can start actually being with ourselves. So what I like to, you know, say to my clients, and like, what I want like to teach them is to really consider what is the most nourishing thing that I can do for myself right now? Right? How can I take care of myself in this moment, like when you feel the feeling? So the first step really does need to be identifying what you're actually feeling? So instead of going, I feel terrible? Go one layer deeper, like, what am I feeling? What is this emotion, I find that so many of us don't have much of a, an emotional Saurus? Like we don't have. We can't label the emotions, especially negative ones, we really don't know what they are. So it's just really First of all, like figuring out like, what is this feeling? What do I feel like? Am I mad? Am I sad? Am I you know, what is it? And then allow? The You and I have worked on that before? Right? Allow, allow allow?

Yeah, and that was definitely a piece I didn't understand or was not used to. Or it was definitely new to me that allowing, because it was I would go straight from the feeling comes in, you're like, oh, not supposed to feel that way. Like I don't want to have you know, any sort of anxiety poke up or any sort of Yeah, negativity, I got it. I got to stay in the positive. So right of way, it's like you try to shut it down and push it away. But yeah, that's something that you taught me. And it's it's Yeah, very valuable.

Yeah. Because what is your experience with allowing, like, it would be so good, I think to hear what you do when you allow?

Well, how, like, when you would walk me through it, it would be like, just really sitting with it closing my eyes, and allowing is just like understanding, okay, what does it feel like? What does it look like? You would say, like, describe it. Like, as, as a feeling in your body? You could describe it or as a shape or it you know, is it rigid as smooth is that? So you're actually trying to find it and visualize it within yourself? And then you're focusing on it. And just, it's Yeah, like, you're, it's this awareness, you're seeing it for what it is. And then as you just focus on it and give it that attention. It Like, it just starts to dissipate. Like it just the intensity starts to decrease.

Yeah. And it's not to make it go away. I think that that's where people get stuck to, well, why isn't it gone? Well, it's not supposed to be gone. Because it's giving you information, it's valuable information. You want to know what's going on in your world, you want to know what you're thinking and believing about what's happening. And I think it's like really just understanding that none of that is a problem. And feelings are just vibrations in your body, because that's really what they are. And they're just telling you how you're receiving the world around you. Maybe you like it, maybe you don't, but before you can get to work on that. You have to feel it. And you have to just allow yourself to release into the feeling. And that's why we go inwards. And that's why we look for where is it? What does it look like? What color is it? What shape? Is it? Is it moving fast? Is it moving slow, really becoming intimately familiar with how that feeling feels in your body in that moment. Yeah. And giving yourself permission to feel because we just want to slow down because your nervous system wants you to speed up. And that's just noticing, like, Oh, that's just you know, my primitive brain, that's just my programming, the way that I come out of the box. That's how it wants to do this. But if I do look at my results, I recognize the results it's giving me I really don't like them, because I really am compounding my pain over and over and over. So we don't want to solve it in our head. I mean, I think that's the other thing that I just wanted to mention, because so often, we want to try and go into our brain to try and figure it out. Because we've made it a problem. Yep, versus allowing like, Of course I'm feeling this way and I'm gonna let this feeling exist for as long as it needs to. And I'm just going to relax into it. I'm going to like just put down these heavy bags that I'm carrying, trying to like keep it all together. Don't need to keep it all the Gather, just need to let it go. No, but when you do that, it is like noticing, because I know when I talk about allowing a lot of times there's some confusion and of confusion really comes from this idea that you can figure it out in your brain. And you can't

know, cuz then you'll be watching, binge watching. eating the foods. You'll be making those trips to McDonald's. Yes, yeah. Well, even with what we were talking about, and saying, like, you know, I get nervous, my daughter goes to school, and then you hear about COVID things. And so it's just like, I want my daughter to be safe. I want to protect her. And that's my motherly instincts kicking in, and you just saying, like, yeah, there is a lot going on. And there's a lot of information and and just basically saying like that, that's okay to feel that way. And then I'm like, oh, cuz it's almost like you're hearing so much different information that you're like, Okay, I shouldn't be worried. Okay, I shouldn't be worried, okay, actually, I shouldn't be worried I shouldn't be doing this. And you're trying to kind of fit into what you're seeing around you is how I'm supposed to be acting or how I'm supposed to be processing this. And just to say, like, Okay, this is how I'm feeling. That's okay. And this is why and that makes sense. And, and then it just is, and it's just so. Okay, okay.

Yeah, I really believe that if you can really embrace the idea that I am supposed to feel bad, half the time. So it isn't, we just get so confused, because we start thinking that we should feel good all the time. And instead, it's like, you don't need to feel good all the time, you just need to feel. And you just need to be, you know, willing and able to process the information that's coming in. So like when you give that example, I love the example of your daughter going to school. And you and I both talked about this, because I also have a young son that's in school that's unvaccinated. And, you know, I think that it's just really giving yourself permission to know where that's coming from. Because what it's coming from is from the thoughts of, I don't really know what's going to happen. Yeah, there's uncertainty here, I can't be certain that this is the safest thing. And so we have to be at least willing to take that in as being our truth. That's my truth today. That's how I feel today. And it's okay, if you don't feel that way. Like you might feel totally safe sending your kid to school, that's great. It also doesn't mean I don't send my kid to school, either. It's just giving myself permission to feel what I'm feeling. So that I can process the information in a way so that what we really want to do right is we want to be able to make logical decisions. And it's impossible to make a logical decision, if you are constantly being hit with adrenaline because you're feeling a really big feeling that you're not allowing. Because now you're not logical, because if you're in fight or flight logic doesn't live in fight or flight. So we have to get back down to logic. And in order to be able to like access that part of our brain, which is really our prefrontal cortex, right? In order to be able to access that. First, we have to calm down our net, our nervous system, and we have to be able to understand that big emotions, just information, we need to slow it all down. We need to let it all percolate and exist and allow it to be there. And then once we're like, oh, yeah, and safe. Once you're safe, you can make a decision that's going to feel in alignment with you and what you want.

Yeah. And I think it's key to remember that like in that fight or flight, you can still be in it like for like a long periods of time, like if you're experiencing stress, so it might take some time to really come down from that really get back to like you said that relaxed and more where you can think logically it might not be, you know, some heavy breathing exercises or whatnot, then all of a sudden, you're there again, it might not be within an hour, half an hour, it might take like days to really come down from it to I've realized that there's still sometimes the lingering fight or flight that it can last like that long if you if it's built up for that long.

I think that's really like valid and I really appreciate you saying that because I totally 100% agree with you. We're in such a rush to feel better and I get it. But it's also about healing. And in order to be able to really heal. You sort of have to be willing to peel off the band aid Like debride the wound and do all of that, and with our feelings with our emotions, it's very much the same thing. And if we've been highly triggered for a long period of time, or maybe even, it's just been a very intense, like something very traumatic has happened, then it is going to take time, and this isn't something that you do when it goes away. This is something that you keep doing. And I think it's important to remember, too, that it's not instinctive. So we are not instinctively going to want to feel negative emotions, because it feels bad. So we don't want to do that. So we have to really just, I think it's building the skill of how to do it, you know, learning the skill of allowing, I think it's understanding that it's not something that we're taught, it's not something that we're born with. So you do need to actually learn how to allow emotion. And once you do, then you've always got that tool in your toolbox, and you can use it over and over and over again, and you will need to,

yep, yeah, so that's allowed, that allowing is just sort of sitting being still, like any sort of tips on that allowing that people can make sure they're utilizing those moments.

Yeah, you know, I think there's a number of different ways that you can allow, why I would say is some people find meditation helpful. And I think meditation is good preemptively. And that if you meditate on a regular basis, that can be really great, because you are doing it over and over and over again, and you're learning how to calm your nervous system down. But when you are in it, like let's say you have had a major life event that has created this for you, so somebody has died, or you are getting a divorce, or you found out your spouse is cheating, or like any of those things, right? That are like very intense, right? In the moment things allow allowing, you need to have something simpler, you need to have something quicker, because it's going to come at you and it's going to feel like a knife in your heart. And you need to know what to do when that happens. And so for me personally, I want to make it as easy as possible. And so when it is really feeling when my brain feels really triggered and raw, I go inwards, and I just start thinking like, Where is it? What does it feel like? What is the sensation? What does it look like? What color is it? Like, just going back to that, and I will do it multiple times a day, that literally takes less than 30 seconds. But it's building the skill of actually allowing. And then the other thing is asking yourself questions like what do I need right now? Right? What would be the most nourishing thing I could do for myself right now in this moment. Really going inward from the sense of like self care and self care? And how can I take care of myself emotionally right now. That is going to be the most useful thing that you can do with your time. Instead of judging, right, because what we want to do is judge, we don't want to go to judgment, because judgment is going to make the pet the pain worse, it's going to make it harder. So it's just about settling your brain down and pulling it back down. Just like one millimeter down. Right? Thinking about tiny baby steps. And just trusting that if you do that enough times in a row, it's going to create the relief you're looking for.

Yeah. Love it. I love it. It is so like you said it's it doesn't take a lot of time but it's just it's gonna probably feel different if it's not something you've done before but definitely worth it to, to work through like to just to be in it to go through it. And then eventually you can get to that logic state and whatnot. But that's that's in the future that's down the line. But first we have to be in it and allowing first.

Yeah, 100% I love that. Just that idea of Yeah, it doesn't have to be perfect. Speed, one little baby step at a time. And it really is just it's a process. There's no magical destination. You're not going to know if you arrived. It's just one little baby step forward like you can 100% there's nobody listening to this podcast right now that can't do this. Nobody Absolutely 100% available to, but it is going to be uncomfortable. It's going to feel wrong. That's normal.

Yeah, yeah, you will want to kind of reach for that, like, the answers or try to quick solutions. Again, they don't work. And just your brain is doing those things.

Yeah, your brains like, it's got to be the, it's got to be the weight loss or, like, you just need to make more money, or you just need to, like do this thing, or you just need to be more motivated. You don't. You don't need any of those things. I mean, they're nice to have. But if you're feeling like those really big emotions, if you are feeling massive anxiety, if you are feeling a lot of pent up anger, or if you're feeling constantly down and sad, this work is the work that you want to focus on. It is the work that will actually make it so much easier on you. And why wouldn't you deserve that?

Yeah. I love it. I love this conversation just because I think we're in a kind of this period that were we need this, we need this kind of, we're feeling a lot of feelings, and they can feel really big. And so I think this is perfect for what we're going through. And for timing. Thank you so much. I could talk about this all day. But to be mindful of time, is there anything you want to say just before we wrap up here, Amanda?

I think just the only thing I'd like to add is that I think a lot of us that experience big emotions feel like there's something wrong with us. Like somehow, we did it wrong. But there's a reason why we're here and we don't know what it is. And I just don't believe that at all. I believe that big emotions can be beautiful and amazing. And it's just a matter of learning how to cope with that. Learning how to handle that in a way that like is in alignment with who you are. You're perfect, you're fine, you can totally do it. There's nothing wrong with you feeling big emotions is normal. Yeah.

Yeah. And this is one of the big steps in your program and what you do and about that relationship with ourselves and really building this strong, loving relationship with ourselves. It's this is a

big piece of it. Yeah. 100%

love it, and how can listeners find you and reach out? Yeah, so

you can certainly come over to my podcast. If you like podcasts, and you like what we talked about today, you're gonna find a lot of that there. So it's called How to love yourself No matter what, and it's over on everywhere that you can play podcasts. And or come over to Instagram. I like to play there. So it's Amanda hass.ca, which is also coincidentally my website so you can find me there.

Perfect. All right. Thank you so much, Amanda, thank you for your time. I love this conversation. I really think the listeners are going to get value out of this.

Thank you so much. I'm so happy to be here and it's so nice to see you again.

Thank you and thank you everyone for listening in. And I will catch you again on next week's episode as well. Alright, bye for now.