Ep.24-Finding The Benefits of Trauma and Loving Yourself Fiercely

I know you, you are afraid to speak up. You are scared of what other people think of you. And you blame yourself for what happened to you. I know how it feels. Because I've been there. If you found me, I'm so grateful you're here. This podcast will give you hope. And now I'm your host, Anna ditchburn. I'm going to hold your hand and provide the guidance that I needed the most. It's time for you to find your why. And turn your experience into your superpower. So lock your door, put your headphones in, and enjoy. Angela Bennett, welcome to the world's best Trauma Recovery forecast.

Thank you, Anna. It's an honor to be here with you

to underfilled to have your age and your story is so powerful and so amazing. And I really looking forward to explore more about it. And Ange, my first question for you, that transformational queen, a transformational Coach, what inspired you to become a coach?

Yeah, great question, Anna. So when I was 19, I realized that what I had been through from the age of 14 up to 19 was too big a story, to keep it a secret and to keep it to myself and so long before public speaking was as big as it is now I thought I need to be a speaker, I need to tell my story. I need to get it out. Because my story brings freedom and liberation to other people to empower them to tell their story. It gives them permission. So from there, I started a journey of self discovery. And don't get me wrong. I'm 46 now and it was a very long journey and took a lot of work. And I fell so many times back into my previous habits and patterns and behaviors. But eventually, that led me to to be a life coach because I thought well hang on a minute. I have been through so much. I have so much life experience. Yeah, I've never been to university, I don't have a degree, but I have so much life experience. How can I use this to help others work through theirs and live their best lives. And so then I discovered life coaching. And so I did that. And then I thought I love this so much. I need more. And so I did transformational coaching as well, which involves a lot of NLP and timeline therapy and things like that. So yeah,

that Wow, wonderful. Thank you so much for sharing. Angela, what happened at the age of 14,

I put myself in a situation where it was just myself and a male in his bedroom. He ended up raping me now wasn't a violent assault. It was more more of me freezing and not being able to speak up and say no, it's not what I want. So that led me down a path of self blame. That was my fault. I shouldn't have put myself there. I should have said no, I should have done this. I should have done that. Yeah. You get it right. And we just I guess from there, I spiraled out of control style spiraled into a depression spiraled into a life of lack of self worth, lack of self respect, maybe even self punishment, because I shouldn't have done that. Or I should have spoken up or I could have stopped it, you know. So yeah, that was what happened at 14 That went unreported. I didn't tell anyone about that.

And I resonate with you so much, because what will happen to me at the age of 15, is exactly the same. I was sexually abused by my stepfather. And I also frozen. I was I freeze, I become a mommy choice. And I was blaming myself for nearly 20 years for not doing anything and then for not stopping it. And it led me to all sorts of things as well. Angela, would you share with us? What were your reasons for going into a sex industry?

Yeah, wow. I always laugh a little bit when I tell this story because it's just seems so silly when I think about it, but it's not it was just my reality. But like I said, having no self worth and just wanting desperately for someone to love and accept me as I was, I gave myself away a lot as a young woman. Just try. Yeah, I thought if I open my legs, they'll accept me. Maybe they'll love me if I give them what they want. But this is not, it's not a fact. It's such a lie. Because someone learning who you are and falling in love with you as a person, rather than what you have in your pants is two different things, right? But for me, that's what I used. I used my pussy power, can we call it to manipulate and to get what I wanted? That's what I learned. It was like, that was what I thought what was all I had to offer? And so when do you remember the movie? Pretty Woman, Julia Roberts, then Yep. Which again, okay, so she was a prostitute in that in that movie. And I saw that movie. And I thought, Hmm, so that's what she does. And she finds this knight in shining armor, who sweeps her off her feet provide this brilliant life for her, hey, I can do that. And I can't doing this anyway, I may as well get paid for it. And so I did. That's how I landed in the sex industry. I was working in a shoe store in Sydney, in George Street in Australia, for all those things are international. And I met a gorgeous woman who worked with me. And she lived this lavish lifestyle. And I'm like, how do you live in beautiful Potts point, this gorgeous home and have this fabulous lifestyle? When you do the same job as me? How? I didn't get that much money to put a beautiful roof over my head like that. How does this work? And eventually, she told me that she was a sex worker. And I thought, Okay, send the movie, sleeping around anyway, I can do this. I may, I may as well I may as well get paid for this. And you know, have this lavish lifestyle that she seems to have. And so yeah, there was a couple of things that pulled me in that direction. And my first experience with as a sex worker, as a prostitute was with a really lovely man, thank goodness. And he was really gentle and really caring. And it was really nice. I still cried my way through the whole thing. I just thought well, okay, is this really what I want to do. But I lasted about six months in the industry in that in that first stint. By the end of it, I was so we had this discussion before about being broken and not broken. And but I was just, and I don't want to use that term. But I was just so out of alignment, in myself and out of balance with everything that I was doing. And my heart was hurting. And I was starting to go down this depression into this depressive depressive hole, this dark, dark hole. And I just thought, I've got to get myself out of here. This is not good. But after that, I was so depressed, I was barely functioning, I started working in it in an office as a receptionist. And I was barely functioning to the point where I thought I just have to end this. I can't do this life anymore. I already have one child who was I had him when I was 17. So he was to going on three, and I just made such a big mess of life so far. I thought this child is better off without me. His father had taken him for me. I just thought this like this child is better off without me this life is too hard. I don't know how to get out of this whole I just can't do it anymore. So yeah, went down the path of depression and attempted suicide. And yeah, it's a miracle that I'm sitting here today, having this conversation with you. And waking up each morning taking a breath like my first breath of the day. I'm always so grateful for because I'm still here.

It is a miracle. And it's it's a miracle. I'm standing in front of you as well, Angela, because I know how it feels. I was also desperate for peace. And I tried to suicide a few times. But something was stopping me all the time. I think first of my universe, or I think the God had the bigger, bigger plans for me at this point. So yep,

Kwame, come on.

Angela, what what helped you to get out from this industry

starting on a journey of self love and really discovering my self worth learning that I met someone who appeared to cry with them Using and we eventually had another baby I had my second child and got married that marriage unfortunately only that off fortunately or unfortunately however you want to look at it only lasted about 12 months if that it was quite toxic. So again had to start this new journey all over again and raising my second child. You know she she gave me something to live for she gave me a reason to wake up each day. Oh, you're gonna emotional. She had the most wild, free, vivacious spirit. She was just like this magic soul with this amazing smile and these beautiful long strawberry blonde locks. And she was just a jam. And so she, along with her older brother, who I started to see irregularly, just due to issues with his dad, they just gave me something to live for and a purpose. And I started getting back into work like into normal work. I had to start medication for depression just because it was out of control. And I needed help to balance that up to balance out the mind and the brain and all those hormones. Sorry, I don't know what they're called. But yeah, I just needed help with that. So that was fine. It was a rough time having been divorced. I think I was 23 at this point. 2223.

Baby. Yeah, still

a baby with two babies. And a divorce under my belt. It's like, wow, it's not how I first saw my life going, you know, I thought I'd be married but with a knight in shining armor and beautiful family and a white picket fence. Yeah, my life is was far from an early age.

Angelo. Firstly, congratulations, to go through this challenges. Honestly, not many people will survive. Not many people will go through this and now look amazing. Like you are with a beautiful smile and beautiful and sparkling eyes. So I want I want to really say congratulations to you from making this you know,

and I Sorry, can I interrupt? I know you're about to ask a question. But that was part of my journey as well like not beating myself up around the mistakes and the failures and the the downfalls that I'd had and it was really acknowledging, man, girl, you are brilliant. Look what you have supported yourself through, look what you have made it through. And now you have two beautiful children to teach that to to teach their resilience and to build the character that's been built within well done, you know, rather than beating ourselves up all the time. So yeah, just sidenote.

Thank you so much for sharing. Because you are so right, so many girls would beat themselves up. It's a lot of shame. It's a lot of guilt associated. I'm not good enough. I'm not worthy. And our life depends on the story we believe in. And that's what the story I believe about myself that I'm not good enough. I have to be perfect. So people like me, I have to do all these things. So they just don't Don't harm me. And people pleasing was my I was a expert in the people pleasing field.

You know, people pleasing comes from, it comes from a place of fear. It doesn't come from a place of love 100% Yeah, I was a people pleaser to

how was your relationship with your parents in July?

It was a great question. It was a good relationship. My dad swept I was a daddy's girl growing up, but my dad swept everything under the carpet. Nothing was ever dealt with. It was always turn the other cheek. don't confront anything. Just you know, don't don't argue about anything. Don't rock the boat. Mum was very passive aggressive, which I learned to do extremely well. Yeah, so they didn't have we didn't. My parents did the best that they could do with what they knew with what they were taught and as I did with my children, and it's really hard to know. I mean, you don't know what you don't know. So you learn these behaviors and these patterns of what you've learned from your parents. So I learned to be passive aggressive. I've learned to choose men who would sweep things under the carpet. And the thing about that is so for example, if something would happen in my relationship that I wasn't brave enough to discuss it, it just get shoved onto the curb or just down into the fog. My brother told me about Peterson I can't remember his first name, Jacob, John, I can't remember anyway, he talks about the fall that lies beneath. And when things are not discussed or addressed or confronted, they lie in that fog. And so every time something else happens in a relationship, everything that's in the fog is stirred up and brought to the surface. And so I learned to live in a life. That was just everything lying in the fog. And it's a really hard place to be because secrets are toxic and poisonous. And that stuff that lies there, festers. So my parents taught me really well to do that. And I've had to unlearn all of that. unlearn everything that I was taught and learn who I'm really created to be, and to learn to have those hard conversations that just have to be heard for the benefit of everyone. And in that moment, it's so uncomfortable, but it either brings you together, or it pushes you apart. And whatever that's meant to be is perfect, right? So yeah, my relationship with them. Look, I adore my parents, my mom, passed in 2014. And I still miss and grieve her in those moments where it's like, I just want to call my mom because she just always knew what to say. And she always gave the hug that made everything okay. And anyway, she left a good legacy. There were things that I took from her, she was a wise woman. She was a godly woman, and she was a wise woman. And so she prayed for us a lot. And if she wasn't praying for us, I don't know where I'd be today, I tell you, and my dad is the same. And he's he lives in Melbourne. And we still talk. He's, he's amazing. I love my dad. So yeah, my relationship was good. It wasn't perfect. Whose is

in July, you've mentioned some benefits of the trauma, actually. And all those amazing attributes that you've learned unlearn bad things, and they are those amazing attributes. And I believe that trauma can be a very wonderful source of self development, and self love, and self care. I'm just wondering what other benefits you've got from recovery from healing.

I'm learning I've learned my weaknesses, I've learnt I believe my new experienced a lot of her and a lot of pain, a lot of trauma, you can learn to love yourself so much through all of that. But she can also develop a passion and a compassion for people and empathy for people. Because you've been through so much. And when you've been through so much, you understand the hardships, you understand the turmoil, you understand what it is to be comforted. And so you can comfort others, you know, every time I've been through every time something comes up, now, I look back and go, Okay, it's like, it's like a reference point. It's like, okay, I've been through this before, or I've been through something similar before, this friggin hurts right now. But I can get through this because I've done it before. So without those reference points without without other experiences, it's so hard like it's it makes it just makes it easier to function because you know, you've done it. Okay, cool. I've been there done this, I can do it again. The beautiful thing about our story, and our and all of our experience, and all of our trauma is when we're brave enough to allow it to come up and out of our mouth. It provides freedom and permission for others to share their story and to release their stuff. Because as I said before, the secrets are toxic and poisonous. And when you're holding all of that stuff in, you're suppressed and there's an element of you that's not free. And I'm not saying you need to broadcast your stuff to the world. But if you've at least got that permission that you you might feel you need to tell your story to allow it to leave your lips to release it. It brings freedom it brings liberty and it brings empowerment, because he can't you can be held in a place of powerlessness or hopelessness when you've got such such a burden to carry and such guilt and shame around these burdens that you carry all these things that you've experienced. You don't need to live like that. There's so much freedom in releasing it and forgiving yourself, forgiving your perpetrator and just falling fiercely in love with yourself. And that's kind of my theme for this year is falling fiercely in love with myself. I love it. Because, yeah, well no one can do that for you. Right you have to, I truly believe loving myself fiercely teaches others how to treat me and how to love me because it teaches you what I will tolerate and accept in my life. And if you don't fit that that's okay. But you just need to move out the way because someone else will.

Exactly. And again, compassion. Because sometimes we have to do some things, to cope with our with our trauma to survive. And my passion for people, for our society to really understand that we that you're also not becoming are not going to a slave industry just because they having fun or wanted. It's just because there are underlying issues coming from the childhood. Because there is people pleasing and low self esteem and actually desire for a good life, which is normal. Hey, let's support those girls, not just looking away or turning around, you know, I'm judging. Angela, what would you say to someone who is going through a similar situation? Like you've gone? At the very beginning, say at 17 years old,

Les Brown has a quote and he says, asking for help is not because you're weak asking for help is so you can remain strong. Reaching out to someone asking for help asking for guidance is it's paramount. It's key. You don't have to do it alone. It's too hard to do it alone. And there are people like you and me. And Tanya, your friend Tanya that I was listening to her urine. Dinah Gil Wow, what a story. There are women and men. But there are women like us, who are sharing our stories so we are discoverable and available and reachable. For women, young women or women of our age, whoever that are going through stuff like this they need, they need to know that they don't have to do it alone. We've been there we've done it, we can guide you through don't You don't have to make the same mistakes as we did and to keep slugging away at it and to keep making those mistakes or not not mistakes, but like those choices that make life harder, like we can help you through. That's why we're here. I love that I love that we get to be that beacon of light for other women. I love that what an honor. Honestly, what a privilege to

shine your light. Because someone needs its blessing. Exactly. Angela, who do you work with? And how do you help people,

I think men who was my mentor, you know, I work with so yeah, I work with anyone who has recognized that they're not living life to their fullest. Who knows they're stuck in an area, whether it's relationship, whether it's self love, whether it's career, whether it's finance, whatever it is, that is keeping you stuck in a place, and holding you back from a life that is living, that you can be living to your fullest potential. Living from a narrative that makes you extremely happy, is one of my most favorite mottos. And so I work with anyone who's that a little bit stuck, who just needs a little bit of guidance into where they're stuck and how to get to what it is that they are looking for. And you know, the funny thing about women, it's really hard for us to number one know what we want. Number two, ask for what we want. Or to go get that yeah, or to go after what we want. Because we've been taught, it's selfish. It's not selfish, I think playing small and not fulfilling your purpose. That's selfish. Because each of us have a purpose and a potential that has been given to us uniquely and individually and we're the only ones on this planet that can feel that purpose the way that we can fulfill it. So yeah, I work with those women.

Amazing. And the way those women can find you, so I

am on Instagram, Facebook, and of course my website. Do you want me to do the link now

if you can, if you can say because for people who are listening us

Yeah, so it's link tree forward slash ng b underscore transformations NGBs spelled ang i e, d, for BB underscore transformations. And that's on LinkedIn. Perfect.

Perfect, Angela. And before we go, do you have any concluding thoughts?

Yeah, I read a quote this morning from Maya Angelou. And it said, if you're always trying to be normal, you'll never figure out where you'll never discover how magnificent you truly are. Something along those lines, don't quote me on that I've got a couple of words wrong. But I thought that's so true. We're all created to bring something as I said before, something unique to this world. We all have our own crazy and our own wild and our own personality that we bring to this world. And it's so important to be that and to not compare ourselves to the woman next door, or, you know, the woman you see on Instagram, like just be you be uniquely you, and dominate this world.