Can You Tame a Teen with Elizabeth Bennett

Welcome back to your brain on positive. All the love and support you need is residing inside of you. And we're going to make it easier to turn it on.

Welcome, and welcome back, your brain on positive, where we are positive that you can take control over your brain. And how we control our own brain influences how we show up for the other people in our lives to help us explore this dynamic of relationships and communication is none other than Elizabeth Bennett. Elizabeth, I am so excited that you are here.

Well, thank you, Jackie. It's a pleasure. And I'm honored to be here with

you today. So we're going to be exploring some of the concepts that are in your new book courageous conversations, and the power of jazz being putting those two things together courage, and conversation, because so many of us are afraid to communicate clearly. What prompted you to write that book?

Well, it started with actually conversation with some students, these young girls bullying each other. And it became a situation where I felt that it was important to get some other agencies in and we had conversation together. And we put a workshop together for those students and in all of for all of those students. So these kids were transitioning from grade six to grade seven. So we did the workshop in their grade seven year. So that's really how that started. And that was probably in the works. Oh, I want to say, you know, 25 years ago. Okay. And so since that time, I've had the opportunity to continue to do live research with, you know, kids and parents that I work with.

I we're gonna give people some context, when you say kids and parents that you work with, you work with them through public education, right?

Yes, exactly. I was a high school principal, I've just recently retired and started to expand on what I want to do to help more families be connected.

There's so much power, because connection goes way beyond family. And yet it all starts within the family, how we talk to other people, how we listen to other people all seems to be related to how we were spoken to how we were listened to within our families growing up. And I love the emphasis that you have around it being a workshop, something that they can actually do something with, because we are all still in that grade six grade seven area in some part of our ability to relate to other people. You know, so we're talking Middle School, we're talking a time of huge emotional shifts, lots of hormone changes, body changes, and culture clashes. This is the age of cliques and conflict. So absolutely. What did you learn? What's What are they? We I know you have five ways of helping people when it comes to improving their ability to communicate? And it's one of the things in your book, it's not your whole books. So we're going to deep dive into those five. But beyond those five, what what did you learn with all the years of working with this age group on this concept?

What I learned was that I initially thought that I could find the the solution that I was going to create the magic bullet for this solution to bullying and it was going to be about me and, you know, being the savior of the world for that. And what I learned throughout that journey, because that didn't last very long, because then I got some other epiphanies and things along the way. But what I learned from it is that it's about relationship. It's about connection, and it's about community. And in order to have that you have to be able to have conversation with people. Oh,

God, create connection and community you have to be able to have conversations and communicate.

That's right. You When the reason that I chose what a concept, and the reason that I chose courageous in that title is because it does take courage, it takes courage to step out of your comfort zone, it takes courage to be vulnerable. And to be able to say, You know what, I don't know all the answers, but let's talk about this so that I understand where you're coming from. So that I understand a different perspective, to be able to say, okay, and then what can we do to move forward?

Cool. All right. So that's true. It takes a lot of courage. As you know, when we were talking because we met through the teen suicide prevention society, and what, where we started with that was this idea of listening. And so when you said that you had the five things that improve our ability to listen, I was like, oh, I want that on the show. I want that on the show. And just so everybody knows, if you haven't heard the anthem to that saves lives, the actual title of the song is before you decide. And the first word of the song is listen. And so that's why it was like, oh, yeah, we this is touching all of my heartstrings. Let's, let's talk about this. Okay, so take us into these five things that improve our

ability to listen. Okay, so I call them the five strategies of dedicated listening. And they don't have any particular order. But I, so I'll just start with them. Understanding versus judgment is the first one. So And under each one. So the first one is look beyond the behavior and be curiously engaged. Another part of it is emotions are complex. And then the third bullet is behavior is a form of communication.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Well, actions speak louder than words. Isn't that? Yeah,

absolutely.

What is it? They a picture's worth 1000 words? Yeah. Okay, so having that under understanding versus judgment, one thing, understanding the behavior is a communication. Cool. I like that. Alright. So that's the first strategy is to shift from judgment to understanding and curiosity. What's the second strategy?

The second one is intentional time to say more. So in each of those bullets, that's under that we need to remove the distractions. And we need to have intentional focus. So that means we're being with that

other person.

And then, like,

actually having the cell phone in another room,

you've got it. And then the third bullet under that is empower your relationship by coming alongside. So when we have conversation, and we're able to understand so based on the understanding versus judgment, when we're able to walk alongside with that person, and really engage in what's going on with them. And part of what I use with that with that explanation, and it's also in my book is something that comes from Brene. Brown, I'm sure that you've likely seen the empathy versus sympathy, where you she has a video on that it's very cute. And I quote that in the book, because I think it's important to be able to be with someone and not have the sympathy for them, but simply just be there. And sometimes that is in silence. And sometimes that is just listening.

Lovely. Cool. All right. So we have understanding versus judgment. We have intentional time, and cluding. The awareness that sometimes being with someone in silence is the best way to be with someone. Yep. Cool. All right, what's the third one?

The third one is finding flow. So in this particular topic area, it's allowing your team to guide the conversation. The second bullet is genuinely acknowledge your team for their con for their contribution to the conversation. And then the third one is to use a variety of questions or conversation starters to get

the ball rolling. Oh, now there's a big clue right there because it's one of the things that I'm hear a lot about, especially with conversations that matter the tough topics, if you will, that getting a conversation started. If If teens are in the habit of having good conversations with their parents in the first place, then when would add conversation on a tough topic needs to occur, it would be a lot easier because conversation in and of itself is already occurring.

Yes. The challenge, though, is oftentimes parents don't know how to get that conversation started. So I've provide the opportunity, and some samples of conversation starters, or just different kinds of questions. Got it?

I love it. Okay. So understanding versus judgment, intentional time finding flow, which is about getting it started because it can't flow if it never gets started. Right. Cool. All right, what's the fourth one,

understand first and speak second? Whoa. So the first bullet under that is asking about what your role is. So as a parent, we often want to solve the problem right away, or come up with, you know, things that are in our brain, and we want to spew them out on our child. So this is an opportunity to ask what your role is, would you like me to listen? Would you like some advice on this? Do you just want me to sit here and let you spew off whatever is going on in your life at the moment?

It took my daughters being in their 30s before they finally got clear with me, Mom, I'm just calling to vent. Okay. Don't try to solve this because I'm a problem solver by nature, like many parents are, yeah. And yet, that's really fascinating. Okay, cool.

All right. The next point of it is to share solutions only if requested.

Oh, wait till you're asked. That's right. And boy, so easy.

No, it's not. And then the third bullet is to provide alternative perspectives. Hmm, have you considered this or let's take a look at it from another person's perspective, so that they get a chance to see the impact of perhaps what they're thinking about or something they've done or said or so on, to be able to give it out there?

Yeah, how many times I've jumped to that before my daughter's felt heard. Right. It's just that that's really near and dear to my own education, courtesy of my own daughters is that if I went there too soon, they didn't feel heard. And they felt like the other person was more important than their own emotions around it. So that's really key. I love the fact that that's, you know, in perspective, these other things we've already talked about. Okay, understand first and speak. Second. That one's very clear.

And then the last one is about reflective engagement. Okay, so let's unpack that one, reflect. Okay, so that's to choose to let go of your answers and your solutions. The second point is use a few of your team's words to ask a question. So that they're, you're demonstrating that you're actually listening.

So this is one of the things that was very challenging for me. I was taught to reflect back by paraphrasing to make sure that I understood, yeah. And the reality is that didn't help people feel heard. It might have helped me feel like I understood, but it didn't help the other person feel like they were being heard. It was using reflecting back exactly what they said. That made them feel heard.

Yes. So then that way, there's the connection of the words that they've used already. And, you know, I caution people about that, too. And it was similar to what you said, you don't want to end up sounding like a psychologist, ask them about, so tell me more about that.

And so tell me more about and using their specific words.

Yes,

God. And that's really key. And then the last

part is really that that acknowledging and it's, it's in there to acknowledge that you really are listening because by doing that, and by saying those things, and by getting engaged in what they're sharing, they'll know that you and they'll be able to acknowledge to you that you're you've been listening.

Cool. All right. So Are you still doing workshops? Oh, that's really lovely. Are you doing them just for kids now? Because we're just, this is the public discussion of us getting to know each other. A lot of times that's what happens on on your brain on positive is on positive that I want to have a conversation with you. Let's just go ahead and have it where other people can listen in. Okay. So are you still doing it for that age group? You grade six and seven? Or you tell me what's up?

Okay, so really, the the does the title of the book initially was because I love teenagers the best, right? I love their piss and vinegar and their hormone rages and the defiance and that particular part about eye rolling, and just the just everything that goes into making them the whole package about teenagers. So when I when the focus of that because naturally when people say okay, you're going to work with somebody, you're going to do something and you have to niche down and you have to pick a particular topic and a particular

Oh, okay, well, oh, well, that we're going to unpack that for just a second. Because what you're talking about now, is how most people teach marketing. Right? It's not how I do it in the messenger community, and then the certification program that I have. That's not how I teach marketing, but it is how people tried to train me to market. What's your experience with that being told to niche down? And?

Well, a couple of things, right? One of them was about that with the book as well, because I had to pick a target, who was that reader going to be? Who was that one person that I wanted to speak to. And so when I was sort of navigating through that, and sort of such as people walked alongside of me to say, this is what you need to do, because this is the best way to write your book, then I chose teenagers because they, you know, they are complex, their behavior is all over the place, depending on any given moment. And so that's what I targeted with. However, that's not the book can cover way more than

with oh, I'm confused. So if I'm confused, other people are going to be cute. On the one hand, I'm hearing you say that you wrote the book for teenagers? Well, the parents are parents. Okay, good. All right. Let's get clear for parents of teenagers. Right? Okay. So the the premise behind the book is how do you communicate with the teenager? Right? And I'm going to just put it out there, that if you can successfully communicate with a teenager, your communication with everybody in the world is going to improve?

Absolutely. So toughest audience?

Yeah, it has a really broad application. It's sort of like that song, you know, New York, New York, you know, if I can man get there, I'll make it anywhere. did. So the communication with teenagers, when we can do that effectively, we can then communicate with everyone because this skill set is universal?

Yes, absolutely. Okay. You've hit upon

something really key that I want to highlight for everyone around marketing and business, because it's one of the most misunderstood things in the world. When you narrow your focus in your writing in whether it's a book or writing, copy, or writing a message, of any kind to one person, everyone can hear you. When you try to write something to everyone, no one will listen. Because it's just the way the brain works, the more clear you are, in your consistency so that you're always writing to the same person. It makes marketing so much easier and way, way, way more effective. Because if somebody doesn't have teenagers, they're going to say, Yeah, that sounds really good. Do you also work with it doesn't limit who hires me, it doesn't limit who hires you, it doesn't limit who wants you to do a workshop for them on this topic. What it does is make it really, really clear that you're an expert on this topic. niching is not what most people think it is. It's not about who you work with. It's about who you write to. Mm hmm. So very, very clear example and I appreciate you letting me just do my rant in there about this because it's one of my pet peeves. People are afraid they're going to leave money on the table. If They niche down. And the reality is that when they are focused on writing to one person, which is the purpose of niching. So you can easily write emails and easily, you know, communicate your heard by more people, your voice is a lot clearer because your message is consistent. Took me a long time to figure that out. People were very confused by me because I had one message if I was talking about the teen suicide prevention society and one message if I was talking about the conscious, transformational coaching my work with advanced coaches and healers, helping them have more revenue. And people were like, you know, it's a little crazy. It was in our conversation, when we first met Elizabeth, that I got the aha moment, which is, oh, everything I do is about getting your message into the world about speaking up. And once I got that, I was able to start looking at my own messaging, and where it could be clear on your message in the world comes out clearly when you're confident. And so confidence is the pathway. And I often speak about that that's what my three day event is about, from confidence to certainty. But the truth is, the outcome of confidence is that your message is for to the world, that people can find you that you stand out in a crowded marketplace. That's the outcome of confidence, we want the confidence so that we can be found more easily by our ideal clients. We want to master the art of conversation so that our ideal clients feel heard by us. So the skills that you were sharing are probably some of the best sales skills I've ever heard, just so you're not.

Well, thank you. Who knew? What?

already? So since I got my big aha, in conversation with you, when you were saying, Jackie, I may need to hire you to coach me to see, I was like, what, that's what I do. But nobody knows that. That's what I do. Because I've been so busy talking about the process, and not about the outcome, which is speaking up being seen being found. And it's like, oh, well, that was an Aha. So I'm glad I had the opportunity to return the favor. My aha about what you're writing what your book really is about the the courageous conversation, if you're an entrepreneur, is the one that allows you to be fully present, totally listen, be in the flow. I mean, these five strategies are just a delightful way to change how people show up when they are talking about their businesses. Because we get confused about talking about our business, and listening for where we can make a difference. And I think you've written a great book for that I cannot wait to do a pot workshop with you. Haha, you're thinking that we're going to have to co create some workshops on this very topic. So you think you get the skills, the way that you teach the skills? And then we can wrap around the package of how do you use this for getting the outcomes you want in your family, your expertise, and in your business? Perfect.

That's because that was going to be the lead up into the next, the next book was really about taking those same courageous conversations and taking them to the workplace. Because we know that, you know, over 51% of people hate their jobs. Well, why is that because they're not valued, because people don't listen to them. Because they, they don't feel that they can contribute. And yet, that would be the very thing that would increase revenue, and increase profitability and, and then looking at it again, from the government level. I mean, we see the chaos that's going on in countries around the world, because we're not listening. And because we don't have conversation with people, we're still we've got our stick in the ground, and that's what we're, that's what we're standing with. And if that doesn't work,

there was a time when it did, and then days are gone. I absolutely agree with you. So whether we're talking about the fiefdom of our family, or we're talking about this on a global scale, communication is still communication. Conversations require courage, and I so appreciate you coming on and talking about how to have courageous conversations. Once with this one aspect from your book on the five strategies, now you called this a very specific kind of listening. Five strategies for what

have dedicated listening, dedicated listening.

Imagine that what a concept dedicated listening, what if you listened with dedication to the relationship is an interesting thought, what if. So, my intention was to listen to you with dedication to the value that could bring to the conscious transformational community which the your brain on positive as part of understanding that it's so much easier to dedicate the time to have this sense of undistracted us that sense of presence, that that is so much easier when your brain is on positive. And that's a powerful place for everybody to play. What's one thing you do every day or consistently, Elisabet to keep your brain in a positive mode? Hmm, what to improve your attitude,

I do several things, I have a dog and and when I take her out for a walk, you know, when I'm walking down the street, I say hello to people, even when they're not looking, they're distracted by their phones, they've got their earbuds in or so on, I make a concerted effort to say hello, because sometimes that's the only time someone might get a smile. Or they might get, you know, interaction with somebody else. So that's, that's one thing. I'm grateful. So I I send gratitude to the world every day. You know, I look at I'm grateful for this conversation, I'm grateful for the opportunity to, to have just released a book. I'm grateful for the learning and the the the connections that I have with people. So that's those are places that I am in every day.

Cool. All right. So the trick to keeping your brain on positive is not getting a dog. The trick is to acknowledge the people around you to say hello, to make the effort to engage with other people whenever opportunities present themselves. And in your case, you make sure the opportunity presents itself because you walk your dog. So these two things go hand in hand. And the other is the gratitude practice. And feeling grateful is one thing, expressing it out into the world intentionally is another. And this is a great segue, we didn't plan this, I'm actually releasing a new training on a very specific platform that is on active gratitude, which is my take on how you shift a gratitude practice to something that actually impacts your brain in a positive way longer. So that's my current project in the background. And I'm an I'm a neuroscience based kind of positive psychology. Not in a psychologist way as far as depth, but in a and layman's way, as far as just absorbing it through my skin. So that's coming, that release will be coming out and just like you're just like you getting it actually put into a package like your book that other people can consume. It is such a great for me a great feeling of accomplishment. But it's also sort of what's mandated for me by my purpose in the world. And it seems like that is true for you. You've taught these workshops, you created these things. You've been doing this for more than a decade. And yet, it's not going to just end because you've retired. Now you've got a legacy. And other people can consume it and they can use it. And I am just grateful that you took that route and that you got that done. What's amazing is that you got that done right before we met. I mean the book launch the day before. And what's so fun for me is that I realized someone else attempted to introduce us a month or so ago. Hmm. And we didn't connect then we only connected with this new current introduction. It was like, Oh, I have this. They've already but I didn't know that until

this and I noticed it too. Yeah.

So we are grateful for our connectors. In this case, it was Michelle nedlac Who does that fun podcast of so happy to offend you. She interviewed me yesterday. So that'll be coming out soon. And Bruce Barnes who has his unleash unlimited potential, he also loves to work with kids. And so I'm not surprised about your connections there. We will have a lot of other conversations coming up on the your brain on positive podcast. Elizabeth Bennett. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for being part of our world and sharing your courageous conversations with us.

Thanks so much, Jackie. It's been a pleasure.

We'll see you on the next episode. And in the meantime, keep your brain on positive. It is your brain after all, don't let anyone convince you to be negative. It's just not worth it.