Just Like Crabs in a Bucket - Jackie Simmons

Welcome back to Your Brain On Positive. All the love and support you need is residing inside of you. And we're going to make it easier to turn it off

What to do when the people who love you are not supporting what you want to do next? What do you do when the people who love you argue with you about the value of your dreams and your goals and your actions and your aspirations? And they tell you things like be practical? That'll never work? Could you think you are to solve that problem? What do you do when people behave that way? Well, first, it helps if you understand why they're behaving that way. Because they're really not trying to hold you back. They're trying to keep you say, Oh, yeah. Here's how I learned this lesson. And there are a lot of people who tell this story in their own way. But I grew up crabbing, I grew up crabbing in the brackish waters around the Neuse River that's in North Carolina. And crabbing was really fun. And simple. You got a bag of chicken necks, those are not even easy to find anymore. But anyway, you got a bag of chicken necks, and some string and you cut some string and really long pieces, you tied one end of the string to a chicken neck, and the other end of the string to the dock. Yeah, you did this on a dock or a pier. And you tossed the chicken necks out where the strings aren't gonna get tangled. And you sit you chat, and you talk and you play cards and you just every now and then Latin the look over at those strings that are out there. And when one of those strings starts going point, point, point, you go over to it and you start picking it up and pulling it in really slowly, because the crabs only holding on to it by a claw. So you don't want them to let go. So you move it really slowly through the water. And when you can see that crab, you've been down and pick up a long handled pole net and scoop that crab up, put it in a bucket and put a lid on it right away. It's really important that you get that lid on because crabs are fast, they can come out of a bucket and scurry across that dock and be gone. So you get that lid off. And then you toss that chicken neck back out in the water, that's still good bait, they don't eat fast. So go back playing cards, you chip in and chat and you're reading your book, you're kind of watching and a blink, blink. And you bend down and pick up the string and you start pulling it in really slowly. And when you can see that second crab, you grab that long handle pole and scoop it out, put it in the bucket. At that moment, you do not have to put the lid on the bucket.

Because no matter which crab the first one or the second one, no matter which crab tries to start climbing up, the other crab is going to pull it right back down. Doesn't matter which one? Why do you keep it safe? This is evolutionarily encoded in the crab that together we are safer than if you go where I can't see you. This is the same evolutionary encoding that makes moms panic when their toddlers vanish in a grocery store. You're safe if I can see you. It's the same genetic encoding that kept our common ancestors, the cave men in the village. As a matter of fact, being voted off the island being voted out of the village being ostracized was tantamount to being given a death sentence. So when we because we have an adventurous spirit, we you have an entrepreneurial spirit perhaps or you are just looking for something that has caught your attention and you're going to go for it. You're going to be an artist, you're going to go bohemian, you're going to go walk about you're going to go do something that note go to college, you're going to go do something that no one in your family has ever done before. Outside of the bar like outside of their sight because they can't see what you can see. They can't see where you're going. So what did they do with the same evolutionary drive that has one crab pull the other one down when it starts to climb out of a bucket? You're free Friends and family, try to keep you safe where they are. Because if you leave where they are, if you get outside of their comfort zone, their survival mechanism kicks in on your behalf. So they don't try to hold you down because they don't like you. Because they want to keep you playing small No, they try to hold you in too close to them, where they can still see you. Because they're afraid if you go where they can't see you, you're gonna die. It's love. It is evolutionarily sound, love. And from this place of loving you, you have a clue how much they care about you, the more they argue for you not to do what you believe is your calling in life, that would pull you away from what the family has always done, the more you know, they love you. So love them back. Simply say you might be right, and then stop talking about it with them. If you are needing their approval, you will play small, because they cannot approve you. They cannot approve your new plan, they cannot see what you can see. So you're asking them to do something they cannot do not because they don't love you. They cannot approve your plan because they do love you. And if you get outside of the comfort zone or the family the way things have been done before, do something totally new and radical from their point of view, they're afraid you're going to die. So accept that. And don't ask for approval. Now, you might ask for acceptance plans, except that I understand this is outside of the norm. I hear you you feel like this is whatever word they said, I don't care if they said you feel like this is crazy. You feel like this is impractical. You feel like this is never gonna make me any money. You feel like this is whatever word they use, just use that word you feel like this. You could say, I felt that way too for a moment. And then I found that I love this activity. I resonate with these people I relate to this mission. I have a sense of comfort that the people I am traveling with the right people for me to travel with at this moment of time in my life, I feel I get it, you feel this way. I felt that way. You might have felt that way for a nanosecond. But you probably felt that way because you were raised by them or around that. So go ahead and acknowledge that you did for a nanosecond, you don't kill them for a nanosecond. You did. So I get what you feel. I felt that way too at first. And then I found and what did you find that gives you a sense of comfort. And remember, you're not looking for their approval anymore because you can accept them, as they are loving you too much to approve this radical new thing you want to do or you are doing. And you can give them enough that maybe they can accept that you've put a little thought into it, that you've gone on an emotional journey about it that they just haven't gone on yet. And so sharing that with them is all you need to do. They will either accept it or they won't if you are attached to their approval or their acceptance. You are attached to the center of that fire life circle you are attached to the village to the island. And you will not have as easy a time achieving your dreams, your goals your vision, your aspiration, the impact you want to make in the world the influence you want to have over yourself and others because of that attachment to other people's emotional ability to approve or accept. The real question is are you willing to evolve into a person who can accept them as they are without needing for them to change? You get to go first here. If you want to lead yourself wrap recognize that means you are going to go places where no one else can lead you because otherwise you wouldn't be leading you'd be following. If you're going to lead yourself you're going to Go places that the people who have led you this far probably can't go your parents, your teachers, even some of my mentors and gurus and coaches that I hired got me here, but they could not go with me where I am going now. And I had to decide I was either going to stay attached to their belief system, which by the way I did, it is why I am not a multi mega millionaire doing the Eastern healing arts that I was first trained in, because I was told by the head of the school that only the teachers were making a living and the practitioners work. And I knew as a teacher, my income would be capped. And I bought into that limiting belief and did not pursue being a practitioner of that Eastern healing art with all my heart and soul. Because my heart had gone out of it, based on their experience and their belief system. What's holding you back? What belief system from somebody else are you attached to my mother's belief system that only someone with a college degree would be successful, almost held me back, I did go to college in my 40s, I dropped out of college, in my 40s not looking back. Because it was a vehicle that was for her, not for me. And that's the other thing we can get put into vehicles that our parents drove, we can get put into vehicles that our teachers drive, and we can sometimes outgrow them, we can sometimes need to step into something that's fresher, freer, more fun for us to drive that they cannot drive. And it's okay, but just accept along with that, that if they cannot drive it, they may not see the value in it. And so please unattach unattach, from their ability to see the value unattached from their acceptance, on Attach from their approval. And do you do you we will always have crabs around us because our crabs are the people who care for us. That's what crabs are. They are people who care for us, we are in relationship with them. We often seek their approval, and we base our behavior upon that so that we can stay secure. That's an acronym for crabs, people who care that we're in relationship that we want their approval, and we base our behavior on that force, a sense of security.

And what if you could evolve beyond that? And your crabs are just your crabs, they are people you care about and you're in a relationship with what if you no longer needed their approval? What if you no longer needed to base your behavior on their approval in order to have that sense of security? Whatever you your sense of security was internal instead of external, what if your behaviors were based on your internal sense of security being secure, that you were aware and NA, of what feels right for you that you will go after what feels right for you. So now your behaviors are in alignment. That's your A what now your behaviors are in a line meant. And you can still have relationships with people you care about. They just are no longer attached to you in the same way, you are no longer attached to them. In the same way. You get to drive your own car. And you get to do it your way. So I hope that this gives you a sense, so that you can come out of judgment about the people who try to quote hold you back. And instead you come into alignment with the understanding that if they weren't trying to keep you safe, it would mean they didn't care. And some of them will be able to care about you and support you anyway. Now those are the people you want to share with everyone else, love them. And do not feel compelled to share everything that you aspire to, especially if you are in a time of rapid change rapid growth, rapid evolution that you're doing what Congress question that I did in an earlier ramp. So if you're in that time of rapid growth, rapid change the outgrowing vehicles faster and faster. It's okay. That your family the people closest to you only get the highlight reels after the fact. They don't necessarily need to hear all of the journey, because it won't serve you and it'll be really uncomfortable for them and why would you want to make them uncomfortable? So that's a thought. Just a thought in my world. Face forward, move forward, keep your brain on positive. Take advantage of those good feelings. Share with them the fun that you are feeling. You don't have to share with them. How free you feel. How do you have a new fresh idea where your exhilaration is coming from just share the fact that you're having an exhilarating experience of life, that you wake up every day, eager for that day. Share the emotion, share the energy, leave out some of the details, for their sake, and yours. I hope you enjoyed going on the journey of the crab story with me. Accept yourself for all that you are go for all the joy go for all the glory. Go for it. And hang on. The ride gets more interesting from here.