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Dec. 5, 2024
I felt nothing.
i started baking bread.
most might not find that cause for concern- but for me, it’s alarming.
1/3 life crisis?
(too old for 1/4, too young for mid)
i’m feeling a little refreshingly lost.
lost in a way that feels more like freedom than panic.
I had a major shift in my headspace after my recent trip to Europe.
I'm ready to talk about it.
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Transcript
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another disclaimer, I am very appreciative.
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Of the opportunity.
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Truly, truly am.
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I'm not taking away from this.
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It was a beautiful, uh, gathering of people.
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It was a gorgeous space.
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Um, huge turnout.
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and.
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When I walked in to my show in Paris, I felt nothing.
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I felt nothing.
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No thing did I feel.
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what the fuck? Like nothing matters unless you love it.
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It matters at all, unless you love it, unless it makes goosebumps rise up in your whole body.
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Hello, hello, and welcome to another episode of Help Me See.
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Settle in.
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Settle in.
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If you are around your children, press pause.
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I just feel like there's going to be more cursing than usual, so revisit it another time.
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So, I've started baking bread.
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And while some of you won't see this as any cause for concern, I see this as a major fucking cause for concern.
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I, I don't, um, am I going through a, a third life crisis? Not a third, like a third time, but like a third, um, this is enough to send me into another spiral because I feel like I'm too old to say quarter life crisis, but too young to say midlife crisis.
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So is this a third life crisis? Um, gives me that same panic feeling as when I'm filling something out for anything and it's asking me my age and now I'm in another bracket.
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Like I'm in the, another grouping that's further along.
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It really freaks me out.
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Yeah.
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So I started making bread and it's pretty good and, uh, it's still not the way I want it, but we'll get there.
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My life's about to have a major shift.
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I.
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Uh, accepted a part time job somewhere.
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I don't know when that will start, probably in the next few weeks.
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And I have a feeling that it's going to be a good change.
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I, ever since my kids started going to school, so my older one went back, but my youngest has never been before.
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So I went from having like no time at all to having apparently too much time because In the past, 20 minutes of alone time would feel like three hours.
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It was just heaven and like, Oh my gosh.
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And now I have five hours and still shit doesn't get done.
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And I don't understand like what, what is happening? What is happening? I haven't, I haven't even been able to create in my normal flow.
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Since getting back from my trip to Europe that I took a couple weeks ago and I mean, of course, it's been a combination of this time of year, the holiday, my kids being home more now my Partner, uh, went on a trip and there's a total snow storm.
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So I shoveled my first driveway of my life and ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, insanity, insanity, I'm like shoveling the driveway.
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It's so heavy.
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I've never done this before.
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I grew up, grew up in Florida.
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Um, I have my older one screaming, crying at me that he's hungry, even though I've been cooking for him all day.
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My younger one is running around in the snow.
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I'm trying to stop him from running into the street.
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I'm sorry.
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I, I can't.
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I just have to say it.
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I just have to get it out of me so I can exhale.
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But I know I travel a lot and I know my partner is home a lot with the boys one on one, but it is not the same.
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The mayhem that ensues like emotionally, uh, physically, logistically when it's just me and the boys, it doesn't compare.
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It just doesn't.
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They're, they're, it's different.
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And if you're a mom, I know you get it.
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I know.
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And if you don't, if you're saying, no, that's not the case for me, please.
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I want to hear, I want to hear about your life and how you've maneuvered it in this way or how your magic, whatever it is.
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Um, anyway, so my kids are back in school after being.
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Uh, home for longer than they should have been for the holiday because we had a massive snowstorm and I mean, we're still getting snow.
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It's, I moved my desk into my bedroom because my view is so beautiful.
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It's like a white blanket of snow and I'd rather look at my backyard that I don't have to shovel than my driveway that I feel like I always have to shovel now.
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I've actually always wanted to put a desk in here.
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I wanted, I want a writer's desk in here because, uh, I.
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live in front of a pond and I really love looking at the water.
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It's something that's non negotiable for me, really important.
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Wherever I live, I want to see water of some kind.
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Um, and my office is in the front of the house, so I don't usually get that.
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So I'm going to fix that.
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Today has been a good test run for that.
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Okay.
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I'm ready kind of to talk about my trip to Europe.
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So just to orient you into the type of listening experience you're about to enter, this is, I don't know how inspirational or aspirational this is about to be, um, this is just deeply honest as always, but, um, I'm just I don't feel like I actually really need to preface and justify myself in my own podcast space.
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I feel like if you're here, you are, you're a sole person of mine and it is what it is.
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But I guess just to put it out there ahead of the conversation I'm about to have with you.
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I am.
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I am very deeply and eternally grateful that I got to go on this trip.
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I went on this trip with my mother who has never been out of the country.
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Um, I did a lot of things.
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I was very brave.
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I.
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Got lost in the hills of cliffs of the Tuscan landscape with my Google Maps not updating Still got us home safely.
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I'm proud of myself.
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I don't say that often and I should say that more.
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But yes, I'm proud of myself You should say that.
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Can you press pause take a deep breath right now for real You say, I'm proud of myself because there's a gajillion fucking things that you should be proud of yourself for.
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And even if you're not overtly hard on yourself or whatever, I think it's very easy to forget to give yourself a pat on the back or a hug, literally a hug across your arms.
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Do that in yoga and it feels overly emotional.
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Like, Oh, I'm hugging myself.
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Um, let yourself be proud of yourself.
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My big takeaway.
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From my trip to Europe.
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If I could sum it up in one sentence, one eloquent sentence.
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Usually I'm not concise, but I feel like I can do it.
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I can sum it up in one sentence.
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That sentence would be What the fuck are we even doing? What the fuck am I even doing? What the fuck are you? Even doing, I leave the word even in there for dramatic effect.
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No.
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What are you doing? No.
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What are you even doing right now? Let me explain.
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I am someone who has a really hard time setting goals.
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anytime I think to set a goal or I try to set a goal, it feels fake.
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It feels like I just, I know I don't actually really care about this, but it's also feels very obtuse, very, um, vague to not, and I think that I've had this blanket desire that I don't take too seriously, but has always been.
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Like in the background of my mind of like, I would like to be a gallery represented artist.
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I love art shows.
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I love the idea of, um, having like a home, like for my art and my vision and like being able to, you know, have shows or, um, have people find me and commission me through a gallery.
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I really, like, that's something that has always felt like, Oh, that would be really cool.
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That would be the goal.
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If I had to pick a goal, that's the goal, right? Ish.
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See, I even have trouble saying that sentence.
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I'm like a commitmephobe when it comes to goals, goals that aren't states of being, um, but as a very wise woman, AKA one of my coaches, Haley Carr said, making a goal, a state isn't really, isn't really a thing because you can choose to be a state.
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Now, isn't that so smart and wise? something that I went into a container with her with is like I just want to feel at peace I just want to feel peace.
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I don't know why I don't I don't know what that is.
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I don't know what it's not Well, actually, I do know what it's not But I want to feel peace.
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no matter what you are doing to try to get to peace.
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You're never going to have it unless you decide, choose, allow, receive in a million different ways.
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I'm going to pause here.
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I'm feeling really called to do a lot more pauses and to like, ask you questions because that's something that I.
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need really deeply.
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I really need that because I have a, uh, toxic trait of letting something slip off me and thinking about how I could.
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Help others with it.
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Like, Oh, this would be a great thing to insert into my nostalgia now templates in this way.
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But I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, bitch.
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Like what you integrate, put it in your mouth, chew it, swallow it.
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Um, digest that.
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So I'm gonna, I mean, if you're anything like me, this shall be helpful.
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Uh, is there.
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A goal or something that you've been putting in the distance that is actually a state of being that you could choose in this moment, regardless of circumstance.
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You could choose and you could open and you can be in right now.
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Please pause.
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Like if you ever, if you're thinking and whatever, don't just let me keep going and then let yourself off the hook and then be like, Oh, I'll go back to that later.
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Cause you won't just like I don't.
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Uh, so pause me.
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Anywho.
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So a curator reached out to me, asked me, can I, Would you be interested in exhibiting this image, um, that she found on Instagram, uh, in a show, um, in Paris on this date, I didn't answer for a couple of days because I was sure that it was a scam.
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I don't know.
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It's like, I don't know what this person's after.
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They haven't asked me for anything, but there's something fishy here.
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No, it was not a scam.
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Uh, spoiler alert.
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And I, uh, I thought it was really beautiful that.
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It was a picture, one of my pictures of my mother and there was no other way to have this trip other than to bring her with me.
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Like I just knew I wanted her to come and I thought it was beautiful that my art was going to be the thing to bring us there.
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You know, there's no other reason why we could have gone on our own, but it wasn't going to happen.
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We just weren't going to do it.
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There was no specificity there.
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Um, this is actually helping me realize this is why I need a goal.
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Uh, okay.
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There's no, there was nothing that was going to make that happen.
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Right.
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Um, it's not like we were going to come into an abundance of money that all of a sudden we were going to be like, and we will use these funds to go to Paris.
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Like this whole trip was put on a credit card.
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Most of which.
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My dear mothers.
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Um, but there's a reason, a really important reason.
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Um, and we're dumb humans and we think that.
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An external recognition gives us a reason.
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It's actually quite frustrating and embarrassing that like reason enough isn't that it's my mom's lifelong dream to go to this place, you know? And I had to, we, whatever, waited until someone decided, I want to put you in a show.
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Also another disclaimer, I am very appreciative.
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Of the opportunity.
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Truly, truly am.
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I'm not taking away from this.
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It was a beautiful, uh, gathering of people.
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It was a gorgeous space.
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Um, huge turnout.
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Uh, I met a few people there, uh, like participating artists that are super, super cool.
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Um, and.
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When I walked in to my show in Paris, I felt nothing.
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I felt nothing.
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No thing did I feel.
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And I, I wasn't putting it on a pedestal, right? Like I didn't, I already knew before I got there that I wasn't like, Oh, this is the thing, this is what I've been waiting for, but it's also undeniably a strand, like a sliver of the assumed goal.
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Of gallery representation and what that would mean and what that would look like, you know, shows and different parts of the world and blah, blah, blah.
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And, you know, last, last year I was in a show in, um, Rotterdam, uh, that I didn't even consider going to, like, I didn't even cross my mind to attend that show.
171
00:18:38,437.4877699 --> 00:18:39,117.4877699
And.
172
00:18:39,182.5877699 --> 00:18:46,722.4877699
It pisses me, it pissed me off when I realized I didn't even consider going for a second.
173
00:18:47,822.4877699 --> 00:19:05,2.4877699
It's fine that I didn't go, but also like I got so pissed and felt like rebellious over the fact that I didn't even think to go, that when this Paris thing happened, I'm like, not only must I go, dragging my mom with me, two birds with one stone.
174
00:19:06,472.4877699 --> 00:19:10,57.4877699
Um, Gotta love a multitask.
175
00:19:10,207.4877699 --> 00:19:11,17.4877699
Gotta love it.
176
00:19:14,763.943491 --> 00:19:23,673.942491
there was photo Paris going on that same night, that same weekend, and I went there.
177
00:19:23,693.943491 --> 00:19:28,683.942491
I, uh, met some friends that I had never met in person before.
178
00:19:28,703.942491 --> 00:19:33,413.943491
And then some that I actually went to a workshop with, uh, an Alec Oath workshop and he was there too.
179
00:19:33,413.943491 --> 00:19:34,273.943491
I got to see him.
180
00:19:34,753.943491 --> 00:19:37,428.943491
Uh, it was a, Beautiful experience.
181
00:19:37,438.943491 --> 00:19:41,148.943491
And the work there was mind blowing, like beautiful.
182
00:19:41,688.943491 --> 00:19:52,68.942491
And then the next morning I went to the Louvre and it was just nauseating, like a gross amount of inspiring, gorgeous work.
183
00:19:52,878.942491 --> 00:20:05,198.943491
And I just left that thinking, what the fuck? Like nothing matters unless you love it.
184
00:20:07,963.943491 --> 00:20:21,743.943491
It matters at all, unless you love it, unless it makes goosebumps rise up in your whole body.
185
00:20:25,23.942491 --> 00:20:25,273.942491
Okay.
186
00:20:25,273.942491 --> 00:20:26,253.943491
Really funny story.
187
00:20:28,53.943491 --> 00:20:30,73.843491
I forced my mom to tell me that.
188
00:20:30,383.943491 --> 00:20:38,243.943491
Sit in a wheelchair because the lube was the first stop of the day and she has hip trouble and she also has COPD so she has lung problems.
189
00:20:38,243.943491 --> 00:20:55,38.943491
She gets out of breath when she's walking a lot and I'm like listen, we need to cover some ground I this is a big place Like I don't want you to feel like crap for the rest of the day like We're not on cobblestone here.
190
00:20:55,38.943491 --> 00:20:56,388.943491
We're on glidey floors.
191
00:20:56,388.943491 --> 00:20:57,828.943491
Like everything's accessible.
192
00:20:58,128.943491 --> 00:20:58,858.943491
Let's just do it.
193
00:20:58,858.943491 --> 00:21:00,688.943491
And she's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
194
00:21:01,18.943491 --> 00:21:03,628.942491
And like, we're walking away from the wheelchair place to go in.
195
00:21:03,648.943491 --> 00:21:05,708.942491
And I'm like, no, actually, no, fuck that.
196
00:21:05,718.943491 --> 00:21:06,748.942991
Like we're, we're doing it.
197
00:21:06,748.942991 --> 00:21:07,78.942991
I'm sorry.
198
00:21:07,78.942991 --> 00:21:07,658.942491
You have no choice.
199
00:21:08,358.943491 --> 00:21:10,178.943491
So I'm so glad we did.
200
00:21:10,583.943491 --> 00:21:16,553.943491
Uh, she's so glad we did too, even though she was saying it was elder abuse because I was pushing so fast, her hair was blowing in the wind.
201
00:21:19,873.943491 --> 00:21:24,373.943491
I'm sorry, I also have a little bit of a cough, so I was laughing with like a smoker's laugh.
202
00:21:24,453.942491 --> 00:21:28,448.843491
Um, I, yeah, I was, yeah.
203
00:21:28,878.943491 --> 00:21:31,558.943491
really ambitiously trying to get through a lot of that museum.
204
00:21:34,558.943491 --> 00:21:35,788.943491
That was another thing too.
205
00:21:35,788.943491 --> 00:21:38,248.943491
Like if I would have, oh my gosh, I would have done it so differently.
206
00:21:38,518.943491 --> 00:21:47,668.943491
I had, I wanted to make sure that she saw certain things and you know, I, I, If I were just going alone, I would have scheduled nothing.
207
00:21:47,748.943491 --> 00:21:48,738.943491
Absolutely nothing.
208
00:21:49,468.943491 --> 00:21:50,498.943491
I need time to linger.
209
00:21:50,498.943491 --> 00:21:51,698.943491
I need time to meander.
210
00:21:51,708.943491 --> 00:21:52,398.943491
I need time.
211
00:21:53,308.943491 --> 00:21:53,928.943491
I need time.
212
00:21:56,68.943491 --> 00:22:03,128.943491
I want to spend forever looking at one thing if I want, or sitting, staring out the window at a, of a cafe.
213
00:22:03,508.942491 --> 00:22:06,978.942491
Like I just, we had too many things scheduled.
214
00:22:07,198.943491 --> 00:22:07,428.943491
Okay.
215
00:22:08,838.943491 --> 00:22:15,688.943491
Anyway, the, the, the point of this aside is we got to the room with a Mona Lisa.
216
00:22:16,18.943491 --> 00:22:17,108.942491
I went into it.
217
00:22:17,648.943491 --> 00:22:34,38.943491
With a chip on my shoulder over the Mona Lisa to begin with because it's like, oh my gosh, this is this this is just a representation of why I love fine art world so much and hate it so much at the same time.
218
00:22:36,18.943491 --> 00:23:03,648.943491
There's a million people in front of this very modestly sized I have just come from rooms of paintings bigger than I ever realized it was possible for a painting to be insane artwork, impossible to take in all of this artwork.
219
00:23:04,338.943491 --> 00:23:13,938.942491
And I wanted to get closer just because of the infamy of this, but also was so annoyed at it.
220
00:23:13,958.942491 --> 00:23:19,638.942491
I'm like, this is ridiculous that nothing else has this kind of attention on it.
221
00:23:23,3.943491 --> 00:23:34,193.943491
You know, I don't know, like part of me feels a little nervous and ignorant to say it so boldly.
222
00:23:35,673.942491 --> 00:23:37,813.943491
It's just so fucking stupid.
223
00:23:39,83.943491 --> 00:23:45,953.943491
There's nothing that is worth more or less than something else, right? Like it, it just depends on your own taste.
224
00:23:45,953.943491 --> 00:23:52,143.943491
And like, I'm just wondering, like, does every one of these people that's trying to see this painting have.
225
00:23:53,788.943491 --> 00:23:59,208.943491
an adoration for it from this like intimate personal place.
226
00:23:59,238.943491 --> 00:24:00,518.943491
I don't, I don't know.
227
00:24:00,618.943491 --> 00:24:02,18.943491
Anyway, whatever.
228
00:24:02,88.943491 --> 00:24:12,838.942491
I, so I'm disgusted, right? Um, I'm wheeling my mom in the wheelchair off, like, to the side just to get past it, to like move on.
229
00:24:12,848.943491 --> 00:24:13,678.942491
I'm like, fuck this.
230
00:24:14,117.6575851 --> 00:24:20,485.1276868
There's glass case around the painting, and then there's like a wooden banister, or like railing in front of it.
231
00:24:20,505.1276868 --> 00:24:26,725.1276868
And then like eight feet in front of that is the rope where the crowd has to stand away from it.
232
00:24:26,805.1276868 --> 00:24:28,805.1276868
So it's a pretty good distance away.
233
00:24:28,855.1276868 --> 00:24:29,865.1276868
Can't get a close look.
234
00:24:30,785.1266868 --> 00:24:41,755.1266868
Um, and as we're trying to go around to go behind the wall partition to the other space, these museum workers that are manning this area, just.
235
00:24:42,505.1276868 --> 00:24:42,945.1276868
Here you go.
236
00:24:43,5.1276868 --> 00:24:50,225.1276868
Like, cut us off and direct us right into the space in front of the Mona Lisa.
237
00:24:51,825.1276868 --> 00:24:53,345.1276868
Because she was in a wheelchair.
238
00:24:56,75.1276868 --> 00:24:57,965.1276868
I'm like, so it was just us.
239
00:24:58,205.1276868 --> 00:25:12,490.1276868
And then this other gentleman, and it was like an amputee and his wife that were, that That he was in the wheelchair and just us like it right up against the railing and they like took a picture of us with it because my mom was in a wheelchair.
240
00:25:12,500.1276868 --> 00:25:25,430.1276868
I'm like, why? Why? Aside, why are more people doing this if they want to see the Mona Lisa so bad? I was, I wanted to piss my pants.
241
00:25:25,430.1276868 --> 00:25:26,50.1276868
I'm like, this is the.
242
00:25:26,305.1276868 --> 00:25:28,125.1276868
Funniest shit ever.
243
00:25:29,35.1276868 --> 00:25:31,745.1276868
I was so disgusted and wanting to move on.
244
00:25:31,745.1276868 --> 00:25:34,955.1276868
And I'm ushered in front, closer than anyone.
245
00:25:34,955.1276868 --> 00:25:40,55.1276868
The first picture I took when I got there was of the crowd on the opposite of the Mona Lisa.
246
00:25:40,65.1276868 --> 00:25:41,315.1276868
It wasn't of the picture.
247
00:25:42,115.1276868 --> 00:25:45,715.1276868
Um, of course it's a beautiful painting.
248
00:25:45,735.1276868 --> 00:25:46,855.1276868
It's gorgeous.
249
00:25:46,875.1276868 --> 00:25:47,475.1276868
Of course.
250
00:25:47,805.1276868 --> 00:25:49,275.1276868
And so is everything else.
251
00:25:50,205.1276868 --> 00:26:03,766.035234
Ah, and I'm just, anyway, so we were cracking up And you think about it and it's like, okay, the Louvre is one of the most insane, amazing museums in the world, in the world.
252
00:26:04,816.035234 --> 00:26:08,806.035234
And I'm thinking about the people whose art is hanging here.
253
00:26:08,826.035234 --> 00:26:16,626.035234
Like that would be, that would be like a dream or a goal of someone possibly to be like, to be in the Louvre.
254
00:26:19,86.035234 --> 00:26:27,366.035234
And then, so for what? So, That people can take a selfie, like in front of your work.
255
00:26:27,366.035234 --> 00:26:37,976.035234
Like most of the, I don't know.
256
00:26:38,376.035234 --> 00:26:39,931.034734
And the, okay.
257
00:26:39,931.034734 --> 00:26:55,905.935234
The exquisite talent and work and skill and devotion and intention and vision of these artists is amazing.
258
00:26:56,726.035234 --> 00:27:11,586.035234
So awe inspiring and motivating and it doesn't matter unless what they made filled their heart and soul.
259
00:27:11,626.035234 --> 00:27:12,986.035234
It doesn't matter.
260
00:27:13,476.035234 --> 00:27:18,976.034234
Like the only value to be had is feeling.
261
00:27:20,356.035234 --> 00:27:34,606.035234
When you really think about life and what we're doing and what we're, what we're hoping for and what the point is, it's feeling to feel.
262
00:27:36,826.035234 --> 00:27:37,966.035234
So whether that is.
263
00:27:39,546.035234 --> 00:28:01,786.035234
Watching leaf fall on the ground or a painting at the Louvre or watching someone help Someone crossed the street, whatever it is that makes you feel is the point, right? So if this artist created this amazing work of art, it means everything.
264
00:28:02,116.035234 --> 00:28:08,186.035234
If the person looking at it feels and is touched by it, but also it means nothing.
265
00:28:08,566.035234 --> 00:28:21,461.035234
If the artist that did it didn't care about the subject matter or the Process or was totally not invested and it's funny because it doesn't, I don't know, some people say, oh, you can see it or translates in the art.
266
00:28:21,491.035234 --> 00:28:22,981.035234
I don't really know.
267
00:28:23,211.034234 --> 00:28:24,381.035234
Maybe sometimes.
268
00:28:24,411.035234 --> 00:28:32,971.035234
I mean, I feel like they're independent experiences, right? Like it's not a clear, I don't know.
269
00:28:32,971.036234 --> 00:28:44,191.035234
I just think about how sometimes I'll perhaps I'll love someone's work and then maybe I hear them speak or I whatever.
270
00:28:44,191.035234 --> 00:28:46,906.097734
And I Feel like what I feel is not good.
271
00:28:47,166.097734 --> 00:28:51,186.097734
I don't, I don't really particularly like them or whatever.
272
00:28:51,186.097734 --> 00:29:00,36.097734
All of a sudden, like that aura, that magic that I felt looking at this work is gone and I couldn't give a rat's ass.
273
00:29:00,686.097734 --> 00:29:04,886.097734
And, and the opposite is also true.
274
00:29:04,946.097734 --> 00:29:08,696.097734
Like someone's work who I've was like, Oh, cool.
275
00:29:08,936.097734 --> 00:29:09,616.097734
Like, cool.
276
00:29:09,726.097734 --> 00:29:10,586.097734
Like, just like, cool.
277
00:29:10,846.097734 --> 00:29:17,226.097734
And then all of a sudden I'll hear them talk and I'm like, Oh my God.
278
00:29:18,76.097734 --> 00:29:19,156.097734
Obsessed.
279
00:29:20,321.097734 --> 00:29:21,571.097734
Obsessed.
280
00:29:22,371.097734 --> 00:29:28,787.8644125
This is, the experience that I had with, um, Larry Sultan, my favorite photographer of all time.
281
00:29:28,794.8237934 --> 00:29:33,324.8237934
I discovered Larry Salton and I looked at his work and I'm like, whoa, those are beautiful.
282
00:29:35,244.8237934 --> 00:29:37,644.8237934
And then I heard him speak and I like.
283
00:29:38,484.8237934 --> 00:29:39,354.8237934
Vibrate.
284
00:29:39,414.8237934 --> 00:29:47,694.8237934
My body was like vibrating with resonance of like, oh, Oh, my.
285
00:29:48,324.8237934 --> 00:29:48,984.8237934
God.
286
00:29:51,864.8237934 --> 00:29:53,814.8237934
What a gift to humanity.
287
00:29:53,814.8237934 --> 00:29:55,404.8237934
This human being is.
288
00:29:59,224.8237934 --> 00:30:04,444.8237934
There's a, a modern photographer, like current day, my favorite actually current day photographer.
289
00:30:05,704.8237934 --> 00:30:07,624.8237934
That I love.
290
00:30:07,894.8237934 --> 00:30:10,204.8237934
Like, I love this person's work.
291
00:30:10,654.8237934 --> 00:30:12,424.8237934
Very very much.
292
00:30:12,884.8237934 --> 00:30:18,464.8237934
Really, I mean, When I, when I think of my favorite photographer, that is.
293
00:30:18,854.8237934 --> 00:30:20,564.8237934
Alive right now, practicing.
294
00:30:20,564.8237934 --> 00:30:21,794.8237934
I think of this person.
295
00:30:23,84.8237934 --> 00:30:24,314.8237934
And I own none.
296
00:30:25,454.8237934 --> 00:30:26,144.8237934
Of his books.
297
00:30:26,564.8237934 --> 00:30:33,314.8237934
And I, which is crazy because I'm a fanatic when it comes to purchasing art and art books.
298
00:30:33,854.8237934 --> 00:30:34,244.8237934
But.
299
00:30:34,874.8237934 --> 00:30:36,314.8237934
I just can't.
300
00:30:36,374.8237934 --> 00:30:36,704.8237934
Help.
301
00:30:36,944.8237934 --> 00:30:38,624.8237934
There's a disconnect between.
302
00:30:40,754.8237934 --> 00:30:46,484.8237934
His work when I see it, like on one by one its own thing and the way he makes books.
303
00:30:46,964.8237934 --> 00:30:49,274.8237934
I, I just feel nothing.
304
00:30:49,334.8237934 --> 00:30:51,824.8237934
When I look at the books, which is crazy because I.
305
00:30:52,244.8237934 --> 00:30:55,184.8237934
Love love the art.
306
00:30:55,664.8237934 --> 00:30:56,744.8237934
But it's like, I'm not.
307
00:30:57,584.8237934 --> 00:30:58,964.8237934
I'm not going to.
308
00:31:00,464.8237934 --> 00:31:05,114.8237934
You know, spend, you know, The limited resources I have.
309
00:31:05,384.8237934 --> 00:31:07,724.8237934
On this thing, unless I have a full body, like.
310
00:31:09,74.8237934 --> 00:31:09,884.8237934
This.
311
00:31:10,994.8237934 --> 00:31:13,64.8237934
And I think it's so interesting.
312
00:31:13,274.8237934 --> 00:31:13,544.8237934
Right.
313
00:31:13,544.8237934 --> 00:31:14,474.8237934
I actually had a moment.
314
00:31:14,474.8237934 --> 00:31:16,304.8237934
I came up against it again with this trip.
315
00:31:16,304.8237934 --> 00:31:24,554.8237934
Like there was, um, Uh, showing of his and I'm like, and he was there and I'm like, oh, well, if I get the book, then I could have him sign it.
316
00:31:24,554.8237934 --> 00:31:25,994.8237934
And I really love his work.
317
00:31:26,894.8237934 --> 00:31:28,544.8237934
But I was like, I can't.
318
00:31:29,984.8237934 --> 00:31:33,434.8237934
I can't fake that I don't want like, I don't know.
319
00:31:33,464.8237934 --> 00:31:34,64.8237934
It was weird.
320
00:31:34,94.8237934 --> 00:31:36,374.8237934
Do you relate to this? Like, is there someone that.
321
00:31:37,454.8237934 --> 00:31:37,544.8237934
Yeah.
322
00:31:37,604.8237934 --> 00:31:41,234.8237934
Like everything checks out, but for some reason there's a disconnect in this area.
323
00:31:41,504.8237934 --> 00:31:43,514.8237934
That's kind of what this was for me.
324
00:31:43,514.8237934 --> 00:31:44,954.8237934
So I didn't actually end up.
325
00:31:45,314.8237934 --> 00:31:46,544.8237934
Uh, getting.
326
00:31:47,774.8237934 --> 00:31:51,374.8237934
His book and I didn't meet him or have it signed because I just felt like.
327
00:31:52,514.8237934 --> 00:31:56,864.8237934
Let me just love it for how I love it and experience that, how I experience it.
328
00:31:56,894.8237934 --> 00:31:58,514.8237934
And I don't know, maybe one Dale.
329
00:31:58,934.8237934 --> 00:32:00,374.8237934
Be able to buy a printer or something.
330
00:32:00,374.8237934 --> 00:32:03,644.8237934
And that will be my, um, version experience.
331
00:32:03,764.8237934 --> 00:32:06,314.8237934
Uh, my choice in how I experienced that work.
332
00:32:06,314.8237934 --> 00:32:07,724.8237934
And it's just not book form.
333
00:32:08,444.8237934 --> 00:32:09,914.8237934
Um, anyway.
334
00:32:10,964.8237934 --> 00:32:11,564.8237934
Point is.
335
00:32:12,254.8237934 --> 00:32:12,914.8237934
Get to the point.
336
00:32:14,174.8237934 --> 00:32:15,134.8237934
The whole thing is the point.
337
00:32:15,164.8237934 --> 00:32:16,94.8237934
The point is this.
338
00:32:16,574.8237934 --> 00:32:18,14.8237934
Everything in nothingness.
339
00:32:18,344.8237934 --> 00:32:18,764.8237934
This.
340
00:32:21,164.8237934 --> 00:32:41,444.8237934
What are we even doing? What are we even doing? One of my favorite things about going to on this trip was actually going to the Shakespeare, uh, And company bookstore, I love bookstores so much.
341
00:32:41,534.8237934 --> 00:32:44,234.8237934
And I went into this bookstore.
342
00:32:44,264.8237934 --> 00:32:50,54.8237934
You actually, it's tiny and it's so charming and you have to wait in a line because they only let a few people in at a time.
343
00:32:50,54.8237934 --> 00:32:51,524.8237934
So it doesn't get overly crowded.
344
00:32:52,4.8237934 --> 00:32:54,704.8237934
And oh, just the energy in there.
345
00:32:54,704.8237934 --> 00:32:58,574.8237934
And the experience of that bookstore was.
346
00:33:02,834.8237934 --> 00:33:07,754.8237934
Probably more potent than when I went to the palace of Versailles, honestly.
347
00:33:08,774.8237934 --> 00:33:09,914.8237934
And I was at the palace of Versailles.
348
00:33:09,914.8237934 --> 00:33:13,244.8237934
I kept thinking I was disturbed by the opulence.
349
00:33:15,374.8237934 --> 00:33:17,294.8237934
It went from off like, oh my gosh.
350
00:33:17,294.8237934 --> 00:33:20,804.8237934
So beautiful to like almost discussed, like.
351
00:33:22,424.8237934 --> 00:33:26,354.8237934
What is this like, who died making this.
352
00:33:29,144.8237934 --> 00:33:32,444.8237934
Um, But I, I.
353
00:33:33,464.8237934 --> 00:33:41,114.8237934
That reckoning, like coming to grips with like, This actually doesn't matter.
354
00:33:41,114.8237934 --> 00:33:43,394.8237934
And this actually really does.
355
00:33:43,964.8237934 --> 00:33:44,684.8237934
Uh, is.
356
00:33:46,94.8237934 --> 00:33:47,474.8237934
Such an important.
357
00:33:48,104.8237934 --> 00:33:49,784.8237934
It's the point of life.
358
00:33:50,204.8237934 --> 00:33:51,374.8237934
To a degree, he, right.
359
00:33:51,374.8237934 --> 00:34:00,794.8237934
It's like one of the points of life figuring out what is it? That is important and removing all of the veils, all of the facades, all of those.
360
00:34:01,334.8237934 --> 00:34:05,24.8237934
Um, invisible lenses that have been put.
361
00:34:06,104.8237934 --> 00:34:11,414.8237934
On you from growing up in a society, whichever one it is, you know, And.
362
00:34:13,34.8237934 --> 00:34:14,24.8237934
It's very liberating.
363
00:34:14,24.8237934 --> 00:34:16,394.8237934
It's very freeing, but it's also very daunting.
364
00:34:16,604.8237934 --> 00:34:17,474.8237934
It's like, okay.
365
00:34:17,474.8237934 --> 00:34:18,494.8237934
But then now what.
366
00:34:19,424.8237934 --> 00:34:23,54.8237934
Like I left there and I'm like, Okay.
367
00:34:23,54.8237934 --> 00:34:25,964.8237934
I've now decided that I don't want you.
368
00:34:26,954.8237934 --> 00:34:30,254.8237934
Offer photo services openly anymore.
369
00:34:30,344.8237934 --> 00:34:33,224.8237934
I want to do more slow commissions for people.
370
00:34:33,584.8237934 --> 00:34:36,364.8237934
I don't want you to just offer sessions, okay.
371
00:34:36,694.8237934 --> 00:34:39,964.8237934
And then I go there and I have this like gallery experience.
372
00:34:39,974.8237934 --> 00:34:41,364.8237934
I'm like, whatever.
373
00:34:41,784.8237934 --> 00:34:49,944.8237934
Um, What, what, what, what, what, what now? What now? And.
374
00:34:50,844.8237934 --> 00:34:52,194.8237934
My what now? Ms.
375
00:34:52,194.8237934 --> 00:34:55,764.8237934
Always been the same and I act like I'm rediscovering it.
376
00:34:56,904.8237934 --> 00:34:58,224.8237934
But it's always the same thing.
377
00:34:58,224.8237934 --> 00:34:59,394.8237934
It's it's.
378
00:35:00,54.8237934 --> 00:35:06,534.8237934
Presence it's being so in right now, That.
379
00:35:08,124.8237934 --> 00:35:09,324.8237934
There's no.
380
00:35:11,844.8237934 --> 00:35:12,654.8237934
Where else.
381
00:35:13,584.8237934 --> 00:35:19,794.8237934
And I think so much of life and we're human beings get caught up.
382
00:35:20,214.8237934 --> 00:35:22,554.8237934
Is being everywhere, but here.
383
00:35:23,64.8237934 --> 00:35:23,964.8237934
All of the time.
384
00:35:33,834.8237934 --> 00:35:34,74.8237934
And.
385
00:35:34,974.8237934 --> 00:35:38,874.8237934
Sometimes it takes this very inconvenient, crazy epic.
386
00:35:39,384.8237934 --> 00:35:42,24.8237934
Uh, Deflating.
387
00:35:42,324.8237934 --> 00:35:45,654.8237934
Uh, confusing journey to bring you back to home.
388
00:35:46,734.8237934 --> 00:35:48,864.8237934
Oh, Okay.
389
00:35:49,974.8237934 --> 00:35:55,704.8237934
You know, I had this moment, um, I won't share because it's a private family moment.
390
00:35:55,794.8237934 --> 00:35:57,924.8237934
Um, but basically.
391
00:36:00,924.8237934 --> 00:36:01,734.8237934
There was.
392
00:36:12,324.8237934 --> 00:36:14,814.8237934
Someone said something to me of how.
393
00:36:17,154.8237934 --> 00:36:18,504.8237934
They're worried about me.
394
00:36:22,164.8237934 --> 00:36:25,254.8237934
You know of, of everything I worry about you.
395
00:36:26,634.8237934 --> 00:36:28,674.8237934
And there was this moment in me.
396
00:36:28,764.8237934 --> 00:36:35,424.8237934
And you know, of course from like a ego perspective, like there's like a flinch, right? But it was.
397
00:36:36,144.8237934 --> 00:36:37,974.8237934
It was really easy to get past that part.
398
00:36:38,304.8237934 --> 00:36:40,284.8237934
There was like this very deep.
399
00:36:47,4.8237934 --> 00:36:48,774.8237934
Gasp whirlwind, like.
400
00:36:50,4.8237934 --> 00:36:50,514.8237934
Of.
401
00:36:54,114.8237934 --> 00:36:55,74.8237934
Wow.
402
00:37:02,364.8237934 --> 00:37:12,264.8237934
Do you even see me at all? And this confidence of like, Yeah, I might.
403
00:37:13,554.8237934 --> 00:37:16,584.8237934
Go through tough times, or I might this, or I might that, but.
404
00:37:17,904.8237934 --> 00:37:22,194.8237934
I have such trust in myself.
405
00:37:22,674.8237934 --> 00:37:23,694.8237934
And my convictions.
406
00:37:24,84.8237934 --> 00:37:26,244.8237934
The way I choose to live my life.
407
00:37:27,504.8237934 --> 00:37:30,294.8237934
That I am so much more.
408
00:37:30,954.8237934 --> 00:37:31,704.8237934
Okay.
409
00:37:31,944.8237934 --> 00:37:33,534.8237934
Than I even realized.
410
00:37:34,494.8237934 --> 00:37:35,634.8237934
Just by someone.
411
00:37:36,354.8237934 --> 00:37:39,54.8237934
Genuinely being concerned and doubting that.
412
00:37:41,214.8237934 --> 00:37:44,424.8237934
I let that moment be such a.
413
00:37:50,4.8237934 --> 00:37:51,744.8237934
Empowering moment for me.
414
00:37:54,84.8237934 --> 00:37:57,474.8237934
Of, oh, I understand how it might look like.
415
00:37:57,984.8237934 --> 00:37:59,544.8237934
This from the outside.
416
00:38:01,764.8237934 --> 00:38:03,204.8237934
But from the inside.
417
00:38:05,4.8237934 --> 00:38:06,54.8237934
Fucking golden.
418
00:38:12,804.8237934 --> 00:38:13,824.8237934
I'm okay.
419
00:38:15,84.8237934 --> 00:38:16,374.8237934
I know what I'm doing.
420
00:38:17,424.8237934 --> 00:38:18,174.8237934
Because.
421
00:38:20,64.8237934 --> 00:38:22,734.8237934
I'm living my life from this.
422
00:38:23,304.8237934 --> 00:38:25,554.8237934
Central core spot.
423
00:38:25,944.8237934 --> 00:38:27,684.8237934
And even though it can feel messy.
424
00:38:27,984.8237934 --> 00:38:29,454.8237934
And confusing.
425
00:38:29,874.8237934 --> 00:38:32,754.8237934
And haphazard on the outside.
426
00:38:34,374.8237934 --> 00:38:36,204.8237934
Like all that matters is how it feels.
427
00:38:36,234.8237934 --> 00:38:36,594.8237934
Right.
428
00:38:36,804.8237934 --> 00:38:37,434.8237934
Feeling.
429
00:38:37,674.8237934 --> 00:38:48,294.8237934
How does it feel? You could have everything buttoned up in the world and from the exterior look like all your shit is.
430
00:38:48,804.8237934 --> 00:38:50,574.8237934
In a row and you're good.
431
00:38:51,114.8237934 --> 00:38:52,254.8237934
And want to.
432
00:38:53,214.8237934 --> 00:38:54,324.8237934
Scream.
433
00:38:54,864.8237934 --> 00:38:56,784.8237934
At the top of your lungs and just disappear.
434
00:38:57,234.8237934 --> 00:38:57,564.8237934
Right.
435
00:39:17,254.8237934 --> 00:39:20,44.8237934
I feel like I have so much more to say, but.
436
00:39:22,564.8237934 --> 00:39:23,974.8237934
I'm gonna put a pin in it.
437
00:39:24,304.8237934 --> 00:39:24,664.8237934
There.
438
00:39:26,954.8237934 --> 00:39:28,274.8237934
I want to ask you.
439
00:39:30,414.8237934 --> 00:39:33,384.8237934
What in your life? Quote, unquote.
440
00:39:33,954.8237934 --> 00:39:35,34.8237934
Looks good.
441
00:39:35,904.8237934 --> 00:39:37,74.8237934
But doesn't feel good.
442
00:39:39,174.8237934 --> 00:39:44,454.8237934
You know what I mean by that? Like by standards whose ever.
443
00:39:45,354.8237934 --> 00:39:47,304.8237934
Standards, societal.
444
00:39:48,24.8237934 --> 00:39:52,554.8237934
Yours, whatever looks good from the outside, but doesn't feel good.
445
00:39:53,244.8237934 --> 00:39:55,554.8237934
What is that? And.
446
00:39:56,244.8237934 --> 00:39:59,274.8237934
What might look fucking crazy.
447
00:39:59,874.8237934 --> 00:40:00,894.8237934
Like a shit show.
448
00:40:01,614.8237934 --> 00:40:02,334.8237934
Hard.
449
00:40:04,584.8237934 --> 00:40:06,684.8237934
Whatever, but feels.
450
00:40:08,64.8237934 --> 00:40:08,694.8237934
Right.
451
00:40:10,134.8237934 --> 00:40:10,644.8237934
Feels.
452
00:40:11,484.8237934 --> 00:40:12,84.8237934
Perfect.
453
00:40:17,304.8237934 --> 00:40:19,524.8237934
Let yourself linger in that knowing.
454
00:40:25,854.8237934 --> 00:40:28,974.8237934
I'm so proud of you and I hope you are still proud of you.
455
00:40:37,944.8237934 --> 00:40:40,194.8237934
I didn't need to go to Paris to be proud of me.
456
00:40:49,164.8237934 --> 00:40:50,184.8237934
But sometimes.
457
00:40:53,484.8237934 --> 00:40:56,244.8237934
It is really helpful to go halfway around the world.
458
00:40:58,944.8237934 --> 00:40:59,934.8237934
To realize.
459
00:41:03,114.8237934 --> 00:41:04,284.8237934
What doesn't matter.
460
00:41:05,904.8237934 --> 00:41:06,564.8237934
And what does.
461
00:41:10,674.8237934 --> 00:41:14,394.8237934
Sometimes you just need to be that far away from your bullshit.
462
00:41:17,454.8237934 --> 00:41:18,744.8237934
To get your eyes adjusted.
463
00:41:19,164.8237934 --> 00:41:19,704.8237934
Oh, yeah.
464
00:41:19,824.8237934 --> 00:41:20,154.8237934
Oh yeah.
465
00:41:20,214.8237934 --> 00:41:20,424.8237934
Okay.
466
00:41:20,994.8237934 --> 00:41:21,234.8237934
Okay.
467
00:41:27,474.8237934 --> 00:41:29,994.8237934
That is what I have for you two day.
468
00:41:30,384.8237934 --> 00:41:35,34.8237934
Um, I'm also about to post, if you are not subscribed to my sub stack.
469
00:41:35,604.8237934 --> 00:41:42,34.8237934
I highly recommended because I take, portions of the transcript from the podcast.
470
00:41:42,474.8237934 --> 00:41:43,854.8237934
turn it into a piece of writing.
471
00:41:44,274.8237934 --> 00:41:47,664.8237934
And I had some of my pictures that I've taken.
472
00:41:47,714.8237934 --> 00:41:48,224.8237934
Throughout.
473
00:41:48,524.8237934 --> 00:41:49,394.8237934
Just time in general.
474
00:41:49,394.8237934 --> 00:41:55,394.8237934
It's actually really helpful for me because it helps me to get into my archive more than I would.
475
00:41:55,514.8237934 --> 00:41:57,674.8237934
I I'm a gatherer.
476
00:41:57,704.8237934 --> 00:42:00,14.8237934
I take pictures, I put them all in my cheeks and then I.
477
00:42:00,734.8237934 --> 00:42:03,614.8237934
Don't chew any of them for a really long time.
478
00:42:03,674.8237934 --> 00:42:06,464.8237934
And this process has really helped me to.
479
00:42:07,994.8237934 --> 00:42:12,164.8237934
Be in my art more in my photographic art, more so.
480
00:42:13,154.8237934 --> 00:42:18,434.8237934
If you want a visual experience and don't want to hear my ums and AHS and.
481
00:42:20,444.8237934 --> 00:42:22,484.8237934
Coffee drinking swallowing in the mic.
482
00:42:22,944.8237934 --> 00:42:24,564.8237934
then subscribe to my sub stack.
483
00:42:24,594.8237934 --> 00:42:27,834.8237934
I also have a paid version of my sub stack.
484
00:42:28,104.8237934 --> 00:42:29,754.8237934
That is nostalgia now.
485
00:42:29,754.8237934 --> 00:42:34,104.8237934
So it's my monthly Photo graphic journaling templates.
486
00:42:34,674.8237934 --> 00:42:38,494.8237934
And, this month is a really, yummy one.
487
00:42:38,654.8237934 --> 00:42:40,634.8237934
It's even more expansive and.
488
00:42:41,534.8237934 --> 00:42:44,384.8237934
I thought outside the box, even more on this one.
489
00:42:45,614.8237934 --> 00:42:56,544.8237934
So, if you're wanting to have a, one of a kind, Prompted photographic journaling template to help you drop into your life and yourself and your center.
490
00:42:56,814.8237934 --> 00:43:03,504.8237934
Once a month at the end of the month, then, uh, sign up for the paid version of my sub stack, where you will get access to that.
491
00:43:03,624.8237934 --> 00:43:04,704.8237934
I'm about to post that.
492
00:43:05,154.8237934 --> 00:43:06,414.8237934
Um, now as well.
493
00:43:08,934.8237934 --> 00:43:12,804.8237934
The nostalgia now is a deeply.
494
00:43:13,314.8237934 --> 00:43:19,434.8237934
Um, I mean, I get really nervous to say the word therapeutic because I'm obviously not a therapist, not a doctor.
495
00:43:19,524.8237934 --> 00:43:23,114.8237934
never providing any, advice around anything like that.
496
00:43:23,834.8237934 --> 00:43:29,174.8237934
But as far as a self-inquiry perspective, it really helps you, burrow.
497
00:43:29,614.8237934 --> 00:43:30,4.8237934
into the.
498
00:43:30,424.8237934 --> 00:43:43,444.8237934
The layers of your truth and your life and your subconscious and your conscious and your, you know, It's just the most empowering transformative, uh, Mobilizing.
499
00:43:43,864.8237934 --> 00:43:53,14.8237934
Ritual I have, is, are these monthly reflections where I look back on the, on the month I've had, um, and I love sharing it with you also.
500
00:43:54,424.8237934 --> 00:43:58,24.8237934
Uh, if that's of interest to you, um, go ahead and sign up on sub stack.
501
00:43:58,24.8237934 --> 00:43:59,374.8237934
I'll put the link in the show notes.
502
00:43:59,674.8237934 --> 00:44:02,854.8237934
Uh, always would love to see your template.
503
00:44:02,854.8237934 --> 00:44:08,974.8237934
So if you complete yours and want to share it and feel like I'm expressing your discoveries.
504
00:44:09,34.8237934 --> 00:44:12,124.8237934
Uh, you can find me on Instagram at Bianca, Leah, Maura.
505
00:44:12,694.8237934 --> 00:44:16,174.8237934
And, uh, send me a message and a voice memo about your experience.
506
00:44:16,204.8237934 --> 00:44:17,674.8237934
I would love to hear.
507
00:44:18,784.8237934 --> 00:44:19,204.8237934
Okay.
508
00:44:19,774.8237934 --> 00:44:20,404.8237934
That's it.
509
00:44:20,494.8237934 --> 00:44:23,704.8237934
Um, it is getting dark really early these days.
510
00:44:23,704.8237934 --> 00:44:28,594.8237934
And I think I want to go head out and pick up the kiddos before it starts knowing again.
511
00:44:29,134.8237934 --> 00:44:31,594.8237934
And, um, And yeah.
512
00:44:32,74.8237934 --> 00:44:32,524.8237934
Okay.
513
00:44:32,584.8237934 --> 00:44:34,594.8237934
I love you so much and I'll catch you next week.
514
00:44:36,411.1049725 --> 00:44:39,631.1049725
This has been an Awkward Sage Production.
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,520
another disclaimer, I am very appreciative.
2
00:00:05,425.0010000001 --> 00:00:07,115.0010000001
Of the opportunity.
3
00:00:07,465.001 --> 00:00:09,65.0010000002
Truly, truly am.
4
00:00:09,125.0010000001 --> 00:00:10,75.001
I'm not taking away from this.
5
00:00:10,85.001 --> 00:00:13,555.001
It was a beautiful, uh, gathering of people.
6
00:00:13,565.001 --> 00:00:15,95.001
It was a gorgeous space.
7
00:00:15,395.001 --> 00:00:17,95.001
Um, huge turnout.
8
00:00:18,851.157603774 --> 00:00:19,171.157603774
and.
9
00:00:21,41.157603774 --> 00:00:27,467.546283019
When I walked in to my show in Paris, I felt nothing.
10
00:00:29,807.546283019 --> 00:00:30,807.546283019
I felt nothing.
11
00:00:32,749.244396226 --> 00:00:34,389.244396226
No thing did I feel.
12
00:00:37,858.326746599 --> 00:00:44,548.326746599
what the fuck? Like nothing matters unless you love it.
13
00:00:47,313.326746599 --> 00:01:01,93.326746599
It matters at all, unless you love it, unless it makes goosebumps rise up in your whole body.
14
00:01:03,773.695215153 --> 00:01:06,793.695215153
Hello, hello, and welcome to another episode of Help Me See.
15
00:01:09,833.695215153 --> 00:01:10,863.695215153
Settle in.
16
00:01:13,603.695215153 --> 00:01:14,403.695215153
Settle in.
17
00:01:18,875.724764847 --> 00:01:26,175.723764847
If you are around your children, press pause.
18
00:01:26,435.723764847 --> 00:01:31,275.724764847
I just feel like there's going to be more cursing than usual, so revisit it another time.
19
00:01:39,890.474758919 --> 00:01:41,780.47475892
So, I've started baking bread.
20
00:01:42,740.47475892 --> 00:01:53,990.47475892
And while some of you won't see this as any cause for concern, I see this as a major fucking cause for concern.
21
00:01:57,140.47475892 --> 00:02:16,995.47475892
I, I don't, um, am I going through a, a third life crisis? Not a third, like a third time, but like a third, um, this is enough to send me into another spiral because I feel like I'm too old to say quarter life crisis, but too young to say midlife crisis.
22
00:02:17,545.47475892 --> 00:02:32,25.47475892
So is this a third life crisis? Um, gives me that same panic feeling as when I'm filling something out for anything and it's asking me my age and now I'm in another bracket.
23
00:02:32,405.47475892 --> 00:02:35,403.22816212
Like I'm in the, another grouping that's further along.
24
00:02:35,445.15733386 --> 00:02:36,425.15733386
It really freaks me out.
25
00:02:42,275.15733386 --> 00:02:42,525.15733386
Yeah.
26
00:02:42,525.15733386 --> 00:02:53,685.15733386
So I started making bread and it's pretty good and, uh, it's still not the way I want it, but we'll get there.
27
00:03:00,335.15733386 --> 00:03:02,55.15733386
My life's about to have a major shift.
28
00:03:02,105.15733386 --> 00:03:02,925.15733386
I.
29
00:03:03,900.15733386 --> 00:03:05,950.15733386
Uh, accepted a part time job somewhere.
30
00:03:05,970.15733386 --> 00:03:11,100.15733386
I don't know when that will start, probably in the next few weeks.
31
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And I have a feeling that it's going to be a good change.
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I, ever since my kids started going to school, so my older one went back, but my youngest has never been before.
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So I went from having like no time at all to having apparently too much time because In the past, 20 minutes of alone time would feel like three hours.
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It was just heaven and like, Oh my gosh.
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And now I have five hours and still shit doesn't get done.
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And I don't understand like what, what is happening? What is happening? I haven't, I haven't even been able to create in my normal flow.
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00:04:09,915.15733386 --> 00:04:32,655.15733386
Since getting back from my trip to Europe that I took a couple weeks ago and I mean, of course, it's been a combination of this time of year, the holiday, my kids being home more now my Partner, uh, went on a trip and there's a total snow storm.
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So I shoveled my first driveway of my life and ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, insanity, insanity, I'm like shoveling the driveway.
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It's so heavy.
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I've never done this before.
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I grew up, grew up in Florida.
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Um, I have my older one screaming, crying at me that he's hungry, even though I've been cooking for him all day.
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My younger one is running around in the snow.
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I'm trying to stop him from running into the street.
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I'm sorry.
46
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I, I can't.
47
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I just have to say it.
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I just have to get it out of me so I can exhale.
49
00:05:09,580.15733386 --> 00:05:17,40.15633386
But I know I travel a lot and I know my partner is home a lot with the boys one on one, but it is not the same.
50
00:05:17,260.15733386 --> 00:05:27,550.15733386
The mayhem that ensues like emotionally, uh, physically, logistically when it's just me and the boys, it doesn't compare.
51
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It just doesn't.
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They're, they're, it's different.
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And if you're a mom, I know you get it.
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I know.
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And if you don't, if you're saying, no, that's not the case for me, please.
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I want to hear, I want to hear about your life and how you've maneuvered it in this way or how your magic, whatever it is.
57
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Um, anyway, so my kids are back in school after being.
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Uh, home for longer than they should have been for the holiday because we had a massive snowstorm and I mean, we're still getting snow.
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It's, I moved my desk into my bedroom because my view is so beautiful.
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It's like a white blanket of snow and I'd rather look at my backyard that I don't have to shovel than my driveway that I feel like I always have to shovel now.
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I've actually always wanted to put a desk in here.
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I wanted, I want a writer's desk in here because, uh, I.
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live in front of a pond and I really love looking at the water.
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It's something that's non negotiable for me, really important.
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Wherever I live, I want to see water of some kind.
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Um, and my office is in the front of the house, so I don't usually get that.
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So I'm going to fix that.
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Today has been a good test run for that.
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Okay.
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I'm ready kind of to talk about my trip to Europe.
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So just to orient you into the type of listening experience you're about to enter, this is, I don't know how inspirational or aspirational this is about to be, um, this is just deeply honest as always, but, um, I'm just I don't feel like I actually really need to preface and justify myself in my own podcast space.
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I feel like if you're here, you are, you're a sole person of mine and it is what it is.
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But I guess just to put it out there ahead of the conversation I'm about to have with you.
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I am.
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I am very deeply and eternally grateful that I got to go on this trip.
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I went on this trip with my mother who has never been out of the country.
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Um, I did a lot of things.
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I was very brave.
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I.
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Got lost in the hills of cliffs of the Tuscan landscape with my Google Maps not updating Still got us home safely.
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I'm proud of myself.
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I don't say that often and I should say that more.
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But yes, I'm proud of myself You should say that.
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Can you press pause take a deep breath right now for real You say, I'm proud of myself because there's a gajillion fucking things that you should be proud of yourself for.
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And even if you're not overtly hard on yourself or whatever, I think it's very easy to forget to give yourself a pat on the back or a hug, literally a hug across your arms.
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Do that in yoga and it feels overly emotional.
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Like, Oh, I'm hugging myself.
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Um, let yourself be proud of yourself.
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My big takeaway.
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From my trip to Europe.
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If I could sum it up in one sentence, one eloquent sentence.
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Usually I'm not concise, but I feel like I can do it.
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I can sum it up in one sentence.
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That sentence would be What the fuck are we even doing? What the fuck am I even doing? What the fuck are you? Even doing, I leave the word even in there for dramatic effect.
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No.
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What are you doing? No.
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What are you even doing right now? Let me explain.
98
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I am someone who has a really hard time setting goals.
99
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anytime I think to set a goal or I try to set a goal, it feels fake.
100
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It feels like I just, I know I don't actually really care about this, but it's also feels very obtuse, very, um, vague to not, and I think that I've had this blanket desire that I don't take too seriously, but has always been.
101
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Like in the background of my mind of like, I would like to be a gallery represented artist.
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I love art shows.
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I love the idea of, um, having like a home, like for my art and my vision and like being able to, you know, have shows or, um, have people find me and commission me through a gallery.
104
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I really, like, that's something that has always felt like, Oh, that would be really cool.
105
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That would be the goal.
106
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If I had to pick a goal, that's the goal, right? Ish.
107
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See, I even have trouble saying that sentence.
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I'm like a commitmephobe when it comes to goals, goals that aren't states of being, um, but as a very wise woman, AKA one of my coaches, Haley Carr said, making a goal, a state isn't really, isn't really a thing because you can choose to be a state.
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Now, isn't that so smart and wise? something that I went into a container with her with is like I just want to feel at peace I just want to feel peace.
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I don't know why I don't I don't know what that is.
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I don't know what it's not Well, actually, I do know what it's not But I want to feel peace.
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no matter what you are doing to try to get to peace.
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You're never going to have it unless you decide, choose, allow, receive in a million different ways.
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I'm going to pause here.
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I'm feeling really called to do a lot more pauses and to like, ask you questions because that's something that I.
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need really deeply.
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I really need that because I have a, uh, toxic trait of letting something slip off me and thinking about how I could.
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Help others with it.
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Like, Oh, this would be a great thing to insert into my nostalgia now templates in this way.
120
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But I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, bitch.
121
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Like what you integrate, put it in your mouth, chew it, swallow it.
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Um, digest that.
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So I'm gonna, I mean, if you're anything like me, this shall be helpful.
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Uh, is there.
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A goal or something that you've been putting in the distance that is actually a state of being that you could choose in this moment, regardless of circumstance.
126
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You could choose and you could open and you can be in right now.
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Please pause.
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Like if you ever, if you're thinking and whatever, don't just let me keep going and then let yourself off the hook and then be like, Oh, I'll go back to that later.
129
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Cause you won't just like I don't.
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Uh, so pause me.
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Anywho.
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So a curator reached out to me, asked me, can I, Would you be interested in exhibiting this image, um, that she found on Instagram, uh, in a show, um, in Paris on this date, I didn't answer for a couple of days because I was sure that it was a scam.
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I don't know.
134
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It's like, I don't know what this person's after.
135
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They haven't asked me for anything, but there's something fishy here.
136
00:15:08,197.48676988 --> 00:15:09,147.48776988
No, it was not a scam.
137
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Uh, spoiler alert.
138
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And I, uh, I thought it was really beautiful that.
139
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It was a picture, one of my pictures of my mother and there was no other way to have this trip other than to bring her with me.
140
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Like I just knew I wanted her to come and I thought it was beautiful that my art was going to be the thing to bring us there.
141
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You know, there's no other reason why we could have gone on our own, but it wasn't going to happen.
142
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We just weren't going to do it.
143
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There was no specificity there.
144
00:15:55,257.48776988 --> 00:15:59,987.48776988
Um, this is actually helping me realize this is why I need a goal.
145
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Uh, okay.
146
00:16:03,37.48676988 --> 00:16:06,207.48776988
There's no, there was nothing that was going to make that happen.
147
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Right.
148
00:16:07,27.48776988 --> 00:16:14,327.48776988
Um, it's not like we were going to come into an abundance of money that all of a sudden we were going to be like, and we will use these funds to go to Paris.
149
00:16:14,327.48776988 --> 00:16:16,637.48776988
Like this whole trip was put on a credit card.
150
00:16:16,647.48776988 --> 00:16:17,317.48776988
Most of which.
151
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My dear mothers.
152
00:16:20,62.48776988 --> 00:16:24,832.48776988
Um, but there's a reason, a really important reason.
153
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Um, and we're dumb humans and we think that.
154
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An external recognition gives us a reason.
155
00:16:34,552.48776988 --> 00:16:52,362.4867699
It's actually quite frustrating and embarrassing that like reason enough isn't that it's my mom's lifelong dream to go to this place, you know? And I had to, we, whatever, waited until someone decided, I want to put you in a show.
156
00:16:56,802.4867699 --> 00:17:02,102.4867699
Also another disclaimer, I am very appreciative.
157
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Of the opportunity.
158
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Truly, truly am.
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I'm not taking away from this.
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It was a beautiful, uh, gathering of people.
161
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It was a gorgeous space.
162
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Um, huge turnout.
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Uh, I met a few people there, uh, like participating artists that are super, super cool.
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Um, and.
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When I walked in to my show in Paris, I felt nothing.
166
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I felt nothing.
167
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No thing did I feel.
168
00:17:53,57.4867699 --> 00:18:15,852.4877699
And I, I wasn't putting it on a pedestal, right? Like I didn't, I already knew before I got there that I wasn't like, Oh, this is the thing, this is what I've been waiting for, but it's also undeniably a strand, like a sliver of the assumed goal.
169
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Of gallery representation and what that would mean and what that would look like, you know, shows and different parts of the world and blah, blah, blah.
170
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And, you know, last, last year I was in a show in, um, Rotterdam, uh, that I didn't even consider going to, like, I didn't even cross my mind to attend that show.
171
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And.
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It pisses me, it pissed me off when I realized I didn't even consider going for a second.
173
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It's fine that I didn't go, but also like I got so pissed and felt like rebellious over the fact that I didn't even think to go, that when this Paris thing happened, I'm like, not only must I go, dragging my mom with me, two birds with one stone.
174
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Um, Gotta love a multitask.
175
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Gotta love it.
176
00:19:14,763.943491 --> 00:19:23,673.942491
there was photo Paris going on that same night, that same weekend, and I went there.
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I, uh, met some friends that I had never met in person before.
178
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And then some that I actually went to a workshop with, uh, an Alec Oath workshop and he was there too.
179
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I got to see him.
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Uh, it was a, Beautiful experience.
181
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And the work there was mind blowing, like beautiful.
182
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And then the next morning I went to the Louvre and it was just nauseating, like a gross amount of inspiring, gorgeous work.
183
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And I just left that thinking, what the fuck? Like nothing matters unless you love it.
184
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It matters at all, unless you love it, unless it makes goosebumps rise up in your whole body.
185
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Okay.
186
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Really funny story.
187
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I forced my mom to tell me that.
188
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Sit in a wheelchair because the lube was the first stop of the day and she has hip trouble and she also has COPD so she has lung problems.
189
00:20:38,243.943491 --> 00:20:55,38.943491
She gets out of breath when she's walking a lot and I'm like listen, we need to cover some ground I this is a big place Like I don't want you to feel like crap for the rest of the day like We're not on cobblestone here.
190
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We're on glidey floors.
191
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Like everything's accessible.
192
00:20:58,128.943491 --> 00:20:58,858.943491
Let's just do it.
193
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And she's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
194
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And like, we're walking away from the wheelchair place to go in.
195
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And I'm like, no, actually, no, fuck that.
196
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Like we're, we're doing it.
197
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I'm sorry.
198
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You have no choice.
199
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So I'm so glad we did.
200
00:21:10,583.943491 --> 00:21:16,553.943491
Uh, she's so glad we did too, even though she was saying it was elder abuse because I was pushing so fast, her hair was blowing in the wind.
201
00:21:19,873.943491 --> 00:21:24,373.943491
I'm sorry, I also have a little bit of a cough, so I was laughing with like a smoker's laugh.
202
00:21:24,453.942491 --> 00:21:28,448.843491
Um, I, yeah, I was, yeah.
203
00:21:28,878.943491 --> 00:21:31,558.943491
really ambitiously trying to get through a lot of that museum.
204
00:21:34,558.943491 --> 00:21:35,788.943491
That was another thing too.
205
00:21:35,788.943491 --> 00:21:38,248.943491
Like if I would have, oh my gosh, I would have done it so differently.
206
00:21:38,518.943491 --> 00:21:47,668.943491
I had, I wanted to make sure that she saw certain things and you know, I, I, If I were just going alone, I would have scheduled nothing.
207
00:21:47,748.943491 --> 00:21:48,738.943491
Absolutely nothing.
208
00:21:49,468.943491 --> 00:21:50,498.943491
I need time to linger.
209
00:21:50,498.943491 --> 00:21:51,698.943491
I need time to meander.
210
00:21:51,708.943491 --> 00:21:52,398.943491
I need time.
211
00:21:53,308.943491 --> 00:21:53,928.943491
I need time.
212
00:21:56,68.943491 --> 00:22:03,128.943491
I want to spend forever looking at one thing if I want, or sitting, staring out the window at a, of a cafe.
213
00:22:03,508.942491 --> 00:22:06,978.942491
Like I just, we had too many things scheduled.
214
00:22:07,198.943491 --> 00:22:07,428.943491
Okay.
215
00:22:08,838.943491 --> 00:22:15,688.943491
Anyway, the, the, the point of this aside is we got to the room with a Mona Lisa.
216
00:22:16,18.943491 --> 00:22:17,108.942491
I went into it.
217
00:22:17,648.943491 --> 00:22:34,38.943491
With a chip on my shoulder over the Mona Lisa to begin with because it's like, oh my gosh, this is this this is just a representation of why I love fine art world so much and hate it so much at the same time.
218
00:22:36,18.943491 --> 00:23:03,648.943491
There's a million people in front of this very modestly sized I have just come from rooms of paintings bigger than I ever realized it was possible for a painting to be insane artwork, impossible to take in all of this artwork.
219
00:23:04,338.943491 --> 00:23:13,938.942491
And I wanted to get closer just because of the infamy of this, but also was so annoyed at it.
220
00:23:13,958.942491 --> 00:23:19,638.942491
I'm like, this is ridiculous that nothing else has this kind of attention on it.
221
00:23:23,3.943491 --> 00:23:34,193.943491
You know, I don't know, like part of me feels a little nervous and ignorant to say it so boldly.
222
00:23:35,673.942491 --> 00:23:37,813.943491
It's just so fucking stupid.
223
00:23:39,83.943491 --> 00:23:45,953.943491
There's nothing that is worth more or less than something else, right? Like it, it just depends on your own taste.
224
00:23:45,953.943491 --> 00:23:52,143.943491
And like, I'm just wondering, like, does every one of these people that's trying to see this painting have.
225
00:23:53,788.943491 --> 00:23:59,208.943491
an adoration for it from this like intimate personal place.
226
00:23:59,238.943491 --> 00:24:00,518.943491
I don't, I don't know.
227
00:24:00,618.943491 --> 00:24:02,18.943491
Anyway, whatever.
228
00:24:02,88.943491 --> 00:24:12,838.942491
I, so I'm disgusted, right? Um, I'm wheeling my mom in the wheelchair off, like, to the side just to get past it, to like move on.
229
00:24:12,848.943491 --> 00:24:13,678.942491
I'm like, fuck this.
230
00:24:14,117.6575851 --> 00:24:20,485.1276868
There's glass case around the painting, and then there's like a wooden banister, or like railing in front of it.
231
00:24:20,505.1276868 --> 00:24:26,725.1276868
And then like eight feet in front of that is the rope where the crowd has to stand away from it.
232
00:24:26,805.1276868 --> 00:24:28,805.1276868
So it's a pretty good distance away.
233
00:24:28,855.1276868 --> 00:24:29,865.1276868
Can't get a close look.
234
00:24:30,785.1266868 --> 00:24:41,755.1266868
Um, and as we're trying to go around to go behind the wall partition to the other space, these museum workers that are manning this area, just.
235
00:24:42,505.1276868 --> 00:24:42,945.1276868
Here you go.
236
00:24:43,5.1276868 --> 00:24:50,225.1276868
Like, cut us off and direct us right into the space in front of the Mona Lisa.
237
00:24:51,825.1276868 --> 00:24:53,345.1276868
Because she was in a wheelchair.
238
00:24:56,75.1276868 --> 00:24:57,965.1276868
I'm like, so it was just us.
239
00:24:58,205.1276868 --> 00:25:12,490.1276868
And then this other gentleman, and it was like an amputee and his wife that were, that That he was in the wheelchair and just us like it right up against the railing and they like took a picture of us with it because my mom was in a wheelchair.
240
00:25:12,500.1276868 --> 00:25:25,430.1276868
I'm like, why? Why? Aside, why are more people doing this if they want to see the Mona Lisa so bad? I was, I wanted to piss my pants.
241
00:25:25,430.1276868 --> 00:25:26,50.1276868
I'm like, this is the.
242
00:25:26,305.1276868 --> 00:25:28,125.1276868
Funniest shit ever.
243
00:25:29,35.1276868 --> 00:25:31,745.1276868
I was so disgusted and wanting to move on.
244
00:25:31,745.1276868 --> 00:25:34,955.1276868
And I'm ushered in front, closer than anyone.
245
00:25:34,955.1276868 --> 00:25:40,55.1276868
The first picture I took when I got there was of the crowd on the opposite of the Mona Lisa.
246
00:25:40,65.1276868 --> 00:25:41,315.1276868
It wasn't of the picture.
247
00:25:42,115.1276868 --> 00:25:45,715.1276868
Um, of course it's a beautiful painting.
248
00:25:45,735.1276868 --> 00:25:46,855.1276868
It's gorgeous.
249
00:25:46,875.1276868 --> 00:25:47,475.1276868
Of course.
250
00:25:47,805.1276868 --> 00:25:49,275.1276868
And so is everything else.
251
00:25:50,205.1276868 --> 00:26:03,766.035234
Ah, and I'm just, anyway, so we were cracking up And you think about it and it's like, okay, the Louvre is one of the most insane, amazing museums in the world, in the world.
252
00:26:04,816.035234 --> 00:26:08,806.035234
And I'm thinking about the people whose art is hanging here.
253
00:26:08,826.035234 --> 00:26:16,626.035234
Like that would be, that would be like a dream or a goal of someone possibly to be like, to be in the Louvre.
254
00:26:19,86.035234 --> 00:26:27,366.035234
And then, so for what? So, That people can take a selfie, like in front of your work.
255
00:26:27,366.035234 --> 00:26:37,976.035234
Like most of the, I don't know.
256
00:26:38,376.035234 --> 00:26:39,931.034734
And the, okay.
257
00:26:39,931.034734 --> 00:26:55,905.935234
The exquisite talent and work and skill and devotion and intention and vision of these artists is amazing.
258
00:26:56,726.035234 --> 00:27:11,586.035234
So awe inspiring and motivating and it doesn't matter unless what they made filled their heart and soul.
259
00:27:11,626.035234 --> 00:27:12,986.035234
It doesn't matter.
260
00:27:13,476.035234 --> 00:27:18,976.034234
Like the only value to be had is feeling.
261
00:27:20,356.035234 --> 00:27:34,606.035234
When you really think about life and what we're doing and what we're, what we're hoping for and what the point is, it's feeling to feel.
262
00:27:36,826.035234 --> 00:27:37,966.035234
So whether that is.
263
00:27:39,546.035234 --> 00:28:01,786.035234
Watching leaf fall on the ground or a painting at the Louvre or watching someone help Someone crossed the street, whatever it is that makes you feel is the point, right? So if this artist created this amazing work of art, it means everything.
264
00:28:02,116.035234 --> 00:28:08,186.035234
If the person looking at it feels and is touched by it, but also it means nothing.
265
00:28:08,566.035234 --> 00:28:21,461.035234
If the artist that did it didn't care about the subject matter or the Process or was totally not invested and it's funny because it doesn't, I don't know, some people say, oh, you can see it or translates in the art.
266
00:28:21,491.035234 --> 00:28:22,981.035234
I don't really know.
267
00:28:23,211.034234 --> 00:28:24,381.035234
Maybe sometimes.
268
00:28:24,411.035234 --> 00:28:32,971.035234
I mean, I feel like they're independent experiences, right? Like it's not a clear, I don't know.
269
00:28:32,971.036234 --> 00:28:44,191.035234
I just think about how sometimes I'll perhaps I'll love someone's work and then maybe I hear them speak or I whatever.
270
00:28:44,191.035234 --> 00:28:46,906.097734
And I Feel like what I feel is not good.
271
00:28:47,166.097734 --> 00:28:51,186.097734
I don't, I don't really particularly like them or whatever.
272
00:28:51,186.097734 --> 00:29:00,36.097734
All of a sudden, like that aura, that magic that I felt looking at this work is gone and I couldn't give a rat's ass.
273
00:29:00,686.097734 --> 00:29:04,886.097734
And, and the opposite is also true.
274
00:29:04,946.097734 --> 00:29:08,696.097734
Like someone's work who I've was like, Oh, cool.
275
00:29:08,936.097734 --> 00:29:09,616.097734
Like, cool.
276
00:29:09,726.097734 --> 00:29:10,586.097734
Like, just like, cool.
277
00:29:10,846.097734 --> 00:29:17,226.097734
And then all of a sudden I'll hear them talk and I'm like, Oh my God.
278
00:29:18,76.097734 --> 00:29:19,156.097734
Obsessed.
279
00:29:20,321.097734 --> 00:29:21,571.097734
Obsessed.
280
00:29:22,371.097734 --> 00:29:28,787.8644125
This is, the experience that I had with, um, Larry Sultan, my favorite photographer of all time.
281
00:29:28,794.8237934 --> 00:29:33,324.8237934
I discovered Larry Salton and I looked at his work and I'm like, whoa, those are beautiful.
282
00:29:35,244.8237934 --> 00:29:37,644.8237934
And then I heard him speak and I like.
283
00:29:38,484.8237934 --> 00:29:39,354.8237934
Vibrate.
284
00:29:39,414.8237934 --> 00:29:47,694.8237934
My body was like vibrating with resonance of like, oh, Oh, my.
285
00:29:48,324.8237934 --> 00:29:48,984.8237934
God.
286
00:29:51,864.8237934 --> 00:29:53,814.8237934
What a gift to humanity.
287
00:29:53,814.8237934 --> 00:29:55,404.8237934
This human being is.
288
00:29:59,224.8237934 --> 00:30:04,444.8237934
There's a, a modern photographer, like current day, my favorite actually current day photographer.
289
00:30:05,704.8237934 --> 00:30:07,624.8237934
That I love.
290
00:30:07,894.8237934 --> 00:30:10,204.8237934
Like, I love this person's work.
291
00:30:10,654.8237934 --> 00:30:12,424.8237934
Very very much.
292
00:30:12,884.8237934 --> 00:30:18,464.8237934
Really, I mean, When I, when I think of my favorite photographer, that is.
293
00:30:18,854.8237934 --> 00:30:20,564.8237934
Alive right now, practicing.
294
00:30:20,564.8237934 --> 00:30:21,794.8237934
I think of this person.
295
00:30:23,84.8237934 --> 00:30:24,314.8237934
And I own none.
296
00:30:25,454.8237934 --> 00:30:26,144.8237934
Of his books.
297
00:30:26,564.8237934 --> 00:30:33,314.8237934
And I, which is crazy because I'm a fanatic when it comes to purchasing art and art books.
298
00:30:33,854.8237934 --> 00:30:34,244.8237934
But.
299
00:30:34,874.8237934 --> 00:30:36,314.8237934
I just can't.
300
00:30:36,374.8237934 --> 00:30:36,704.8237934
Help.
301
00:30:36,944.8237934 --> 00:30:38,624.8237934
There's a disconnect between.
302
00:30:40,754.8237934 --> 00:30:46,484.8237934
His work when I see it, like on one by one its own thing and the way he makes books.
303
00:30:46,964.8237934 --> 00:30:49,274.8237934
I, I just feel nothing.
304
00:30:49,334.8237934 --> 00:30:51,824.8237934
When I look at the books, which is crazy because I.
305
00:30:52,244.8237934 --> 00:30:55,184.8237934
Love love the art.
306
00:30:55,664.8237934 --> 00:30:56,744.8237934
But it's like, I'm not.
307
00:30:57,584.8237934 --> 00:30:58,964.8237934
I'm not going to.
308
00:31:00,464.8237934 --> 00:31:05,114.8237934
You know, spend, you know, The limited resources I have.
309
00:31:05,384.8237934 --> 00:31:07,724.8237934
On this thing, unless I have a full body, like.
310
00:31:09,74.8237934 --> 00:31:09,884.8237934
This.
311
00:31:10,994.8237934 --> 00:31:13,64.8237934
And I think it's so interesting.
312
00:31:13,274.8237934 --> 00:31:13,544.8237934
Right.
313
00:31:13,544.8237934 --> 00:31:14,474.8237934
I actually had a moment.
314
00:31:14,474.8237934 --> 00:31:16,304.8237934
I came up against it again with this trip.
315
00:31:16,304.8237934 --> 00:31:24,554.8237934
Like there was, um, Uh, showing of his and I'm like, and he was there and I'm like, oh, well, if I get the book, then I could have him sign it.
316
00:31:24,554.8237934 --> 00:31:25,994.8237934
And I really love his work.
317
00:31:26,894.8237934 --> 00:31:28,544.8237934
But I was like, I can't.
318
00:31:29,984.8237934 --> 00:31:33,434.8237934
I can't fake that I don't want like, I don't know.
319
00:31:33,464.8237934 --> 00:31:34,64.8237934
It was weird.
320
00:31:34,94.8237934 --> 00:31:36,374.8237934
Do you relate to this? Like, is there someone that.
321
00:31:37,454.8237934 --> 00:31:37,544.8237934
Yeah.
322
00:31:37,604.8237934 --> 00:31:41,234.8237934
Like everything checks out, but for some reason there's a disconnect in this area.
323
00:31:41,504.8237934 --> 00:31:43,514.8237934
That's kind of what this was for me.
324
00:31:43,514.8237934 --> 00:31:44,954.8237934
So I didn't actually end up.
325
00:31:45,314.8237934 --> 00:31:46,544.8237934
Uh, getting.
326
00:31:47,774.8237934 --> 00:31:51,374.8237934
His book and I didn't meet him or have it signed because I just felt like.
327
00:31:52,514.8237934 --> 00:31:56,864.8237934
Let me just love it for how I love it and experience that, how I experience it.
328
00:31:56,894.8237934 --> 00:31:58,514.8237934
And I don't know, maybe one Dale.
329
00:31:58,934.8237934 --> 00:32:00,374.8237934
Be able to buy a printer or something.
330
00:32:00,374.8237934 --> 00:32:03,644.8237934
And that will be my, um, version experience.
331
00:32:03,764.8237934 --> 00:32:06,314.8237934
Uh, my choice in how I experienced that work.
332
00:32:06,314.8237934 --> 00:32:07,724.8237934
And it's just not book form.
333
00:32:08,444.8237934 --> 00:32:09,914.8237934
Um, anyway.
334
00:32:10,964.8237934 --> 00:32:11,564.8237934
Point is.
335
00:32:12,254.8237934 --> 00:32:12,914.8237934
Get to the point.
336
00:32:14,174.8237934 --> 00:32:15,134.8237934
The whole thing is the point.
337
00:32:15,164.8237934 --> 00:32:16,94.8237934
The point is this.
338
00:32:16,574.8237934 --> 00:32:18,14.8237934
Everything in nothingness.
339
00:32:18,344.8237934 --> 00:32:18,764.8237934
This.
340
00:32:21,164.8237934 --> 00:32:41,444.8237934
What are we even doing? What are we even doing? One of my favorite things about going to on this trip was actually going to the Shakespeare, uh, And company bookstore, I love bookstores so much.
341
00:32:41,534.8237934 --> 00:32:44,234.8237934
And I went into this bookstore.
342
00:32:44,264.8237934 --> 00:32:50,54.8237934
You actually, it's tiny and it's so charming and you have to wait in a line because they only let a few people in at a time.
343
00:32:50,54.8237934 --> 00:32:51,524.8237934
So it doesn't get overly crowded.
344
00:32:52,4.8237934 --> 00:32:54,704.8237934
And oh, just the energy in there.
345
00:32:54,704.8237934 --> 00:32:58,574.8237934
And the experience of that bookstore was.
346
00:33:02,834.8237934 --> 00:33:07,754.8237934
Probably more potent than when I went to the palace of Versailles, honestly.
347
00:33:08,774.8237934 --> 00:33:09,914.8237934
And I was at the palace of Versailles.
348
00:33:09,914.8237934 --> 00:33:13,244.8237934
I kept thinking I was disturbed by the opulence.
349
00:33:15,374.8237934 --> 00:33:17,294.8237934
It went from off like, oh my gosh.
350
00:33:17,294.8237934 --> 00:33:20,804.8237934
So beautiful to like almost discussed, like.
351
00:33:22,424.8237934 --> 00:33:26,354.8237934
What is this like, who died making this.
352
00:33:29,144.8237934 --> 00:33:32,444.8237934
Um, But I, I.
353
00:33:33,464.8237934 --> 00:33:41,114.8237934
That reckoning, like coming to grips with like, This actually doesn't matter.
354
00:33:41,114.8237934 --> 00:33:43,394.8237934
And this actually really does.
355
00:33:43,964.8237934 --> 00:33:44,684.8237934
Uh, is.
356
00:33:46,94.8237934 --> 00:33:47,474.8237934
Such an important.
357
00:33:48,104.8237934 --> 00:33:49,784.8237934
It's the point of life.
358
00:33:50,204.8237934 --> 00:33:51,374.8237934
To a degree, he, right.
359
00:33:51,374.8237934 --> 00:34:00,794.8237934
It's like one of the points of life figuring out what is it? That is important and removing all of the veils, all of the facades, all of those.
360
00:34:01,334.8237934 --> 00:34:05,24.8237934
Um, invisible lenses that have been put.
361
00:34:06,104.8237934 --> 00:34:11,414.8237934
On you from growing up in a society, whichever one it is, you know, And.
362
00:34:13,34.8237934 --> 00:34:14,24.8237934
It's very liberating.
363
00:34:14,24.8237934 --> 00:34:16,394.8237934
It's very freeing, but it's also very daunting.
364
00:34:16,604.8237934 --> 00:34:17,474.8237934
It's like, okay.
365
00:34:17,474.8237934 --> 00:34:18,494.8237934
But then now what.
366
00:34:19,424.8237934 --> 00:34:23,54.8237934
Like I left there and I'm like, Okay.
367
00:34:23,54.8237934 --> 00:34:25,964.8237934
I've now decided that I don't want you.
368
00:34:26,954.8237934 --> 00:34:30,254.8237934
Offer photo services openly anymore.
369
00:34:30,344.8237934 --> 00:34:33,224.8237934
I want to do more slow commissions for people.
370
00:34:33,584.8237934 --> 00:34:36,364.8237934
I don't want you to just offer sessions, okay.
371
00:34:36,694.8237934 --> 00:34:39,964.8237934
And then I go there and I have this like gallery experience.
372
00:34:39,974.8237934 --> 00:34:41,364.8237934
I'm like, whatever.
373
00:34:41,784.8237934 --> 00:34:49,944.8237934
Um, What, what, what, what, what, what now? What now? And.
374
00:34:50,844.8237934 --> 00:34:52,194.8237934
My what now? Ms.
375
00:34:52,194.8237934 --> 00:34:55,764.8237934
Always been the same and I act like I'm rediscovering it.
376
00:34:56,904.8237934 --> 00:34:58,224.8237934
But it's always the same thing.
377
00:34:58,224.8237934 --> 00:34:59,394.8237934
It's it's.
378
00:35:00,54.8237934 --> 00:35:06,534.8237934
Presence it's being so in right now, That.
379
00:35:08,124.8237934 --> 00:35:09,324.8237934
There's no.
380
00:35:11,844.8237934 --> 00:35:12,654.8237934
Where else.
381
00:35:13,584.8237934 --> 00:35:19,794.8237934
And I think so much of life and we're human beings get caught up.
382
00:35:20,214.8237934 --> 00:35:22,554.8237934
Is being everywhere, but here.
383
00:35:23,64.8237934 --> 00:35:23,964.8237934
All of the time.
384
00:35:33,834.8237934 --> 00:35:34,74.8237934
And.
385
00:35:34,974.8237934 --> 00:35:38,874.8237934
Sometimes it takes this very inconvenient, crazy epic.
386
00:35:39,384.8237934 --> 00:35:42,24.8237934
Uh, Deflating.
387
00:35:42,324.8237934 --> 00:35:45,654.8237934
Uh, confusing journey to bring you back to home.
388
00:35:46,734.8237934 --> 00:35:48,864.8237934
Oh, Okay.
389
00:35:49,974.8237934 --> 00:35:55,704.8237934
You know, I had this moment, um, I won't share because it's a private family moment.
390
00:35:55,794.8237934 --> 00:35:57,924.8237934
Um, but basically.
391
00:36:00,924.8237934 --> 00:36:01,734.8237934
There was.
392
00:36:12,324.8237934 --> 00:36:14,814.8237934
Someone said something to me of how.
393
00:36:17,154.8237934 --> 00:36:18,504.8237934
They're worried about me.
394
00:36:22,164.8237934 --> 00:36:25,254.8237934
You know of, of everything I worry about you.
395
00:36:26,634.8237934 --> 00:36:28,674.8237934
And there was this moment in me.
396
00:36:28,764.8237934 --> 00:36:35,424.8237934
And you know, of course from like a ego perspective, like there's like a flinch, right? But it was.
397
00:36:36,144.8237934 --> 00:36:37,974.8237934
It was really easy to get past that part.
398
00:36:38,304.8237934 --> 00:36:40,284.8237934
There was like this very deep.
399
00:36:47,4.8237934 --> 00:36:48,774.8237934
Gasp whirlwind, like.
400
00:36:50,4.8237934 --> 00:36:50,514.8237934
Of.
401
00:36:54,114.8237934 --> 00:36:55,74.8237934
Wow.
402
00:37:02,364.8237934 --> 00:37:12,264.8237934
Do you even see me at all? And this confidence of like, Yeah, I might.
403
00:37:13,554.8237934 --> 00:37:16,584.8237934
Go through tough times, or I might this, or I might that, but.
404
00:37:17,904.8237934 --> 00:37:22,194.8237934
I have such trust in myself.
405
00:37:22,674.8237934 --> 00:37:23,694.8237934
And my convictions.
406
00:37:24,84.8237934 --> 00:37:26,244.8237934
The way I choose to live my life.
407
00:37:27,504.8237934 --> 00:37:30,294.8237934
That I am so much more.
408
00:37:30,954.8237934 --> 00:37:31,704.8237934
Okay.
409
00:37:31,944.8237934 --> 00:37:33,534.8237934
Than I even realized.
410
00:37:34,494.8237934 --> 00:37:35,634.8237934
Just by someone.
411
00:37:36,354.8237934 --> 00:37:39,54.8237934
Genuinely being concerned and doubting that.
412
00:37:41,214.8237934 --> 00:37:44,424.8237934
I let that moment be such a.
413
00:37:50,4.8237934 --> 00:37:51,744.8237934
Empowering moment for me.
414
00:37:54,84.8237934 --> 00:37:57,474.8237934
Of, oh, I understand how it might look like.
415
00:37:57,984.8237934 --> 00:37:59,544.8237934
This from the outside.
416
00:38:01,764.8237934 --> 00:38:03,204.8237934
But from the inside.
417
00:38:05,4.8237934 --> 00:38:06,54.8237934
Fucking golden.
418
00:38:12,804.8237934 --> 00:38:13,824.8237934
I'm okay.
419
00:38:15,84.8237934 --> 00:38:16,374.8237934
I know what I'm doing.
420
00:38:17,424.8237934 --> 00:38:18,174.8237934
Because.
421
00:38:20,64.8237934 --> 00:38:22,734.8237934
I'm living my life from this.
422
00:38:23,304.8237934 --> 00:38:25,554.8237934
Central core spot.
423
00:38:25,944.8237934 --> 00:38:27,684.8237934
And even though it can feel messy.
424
00:38:27,984.8237934 --> 00:38:29,454.8237934
And confusing.
425
00:38:29,874.8237934 --> 00:38:32,754.8237934
And haphazard on the outside.
426
00:38:34,374.8237934 --> 00:38:36,204.8237934
Like all that matters is how it feels.
427
00:38:36,234.8237934 --> 00:38:36,594.8237934
Right.
428
00:38:36,804.8237934 --> 00:38:37,434.8237934
Feeling.
429
00:38:37,674.8237934 --> 00:38:48,294.8237934
How does it feel? You could have everything buttoned up in the world and from the exterior look like all your shit is.
430
00:38:48,804.8237934 --> 00:38:50,574.8237934
In a row and you're good.
431
00:38:51,114.8237934 --> 00:38:52,254.8237934
And want to.
432
00:38:53,214.8237934 --> 00:38:54,324.8237934
Scream.
433
00:38:54,864.8237934 --> 00:38:56,784.8237934
At the top of your lungs and just disappear.
434
00:38:57,234.8237934 --> 00:38:57,564.8237934
Right.
435
00:39:17,254.8237934 --> 00:39:20,44.8237934
I feel like I have so much more to say, but.
436
00:39:22,564.8237934 --> 00:39:23,974.8237934
I'm gonna put a pin in it.
437
00:39:24,304.8237934 --> 00:39:24,664.8237934
There.
438
00:39:26,954.8237934 --> 00:39:28,274.8237934
I want to ask you.
439
00:39:30,414.8237934 --> 00:39:33,384.8237934
What in your life? Quote, unquote.
440
00:39:33,954.8237934 --> 00:39:35,34.8237934
Looks good.
441
00:39:35,904.8237934 --> 00:39:37,74.8237934
But doesn't feel good.
442
00:39:39,174.8237934 --> 00:39:44,454.8237934
You know what I mean by that? Like by standards whose ever.
443
00:39:45,354.8237934 --> 00:39:47,304.8237934
Standards, societal.
444
00:39:48,24.8237934 --> 00:39:52,554.8237934
Yours, whatever looks good from the outside, but doesn't feel good.
445
00:39:53,244.8237934 --> 00:39:55,554.8237934
What is that? And.
446
00:39:56,244.8237934 --> 00:39:59,274.8237934
What might look fucking crazy.
447
00:39:59,874.8237934 --> 00:40:00,894.8237934
Like a shit show.
448
00:40:01,614.8237934 --> 00:40:02,334.8237934
Hard.
449
00:40:04,584.8237934 --> 00:40:06,684.8237934
Whatever, but feels.
450
00:40:08,64.8237934 --> 00:40:08,694.8237934
Right.
451
00:40:10,134.8237934 --> 00:40:10,644.8237934
Feels.
452
00:40:11,484.8237934 --> 00:40:12,84.8237934
Perfect.
453
00:40:17,304.8237934 --> 00:40:19,524.8237934
Let yourself linger in that knowing.
454
00:40:25,854.8237934 --> 00:40:28,974.8237934
I'm so proud of you and I hope you are still proud of you.
455
00:40:37,944.8237934 --> 00:40:40,194.8237934
I didn't need to go to Paris to be proud of me.
456
00:40:49,164.8237934 --> 00:40:50,184.8237934
But sometimes.
457
00:40:53,484.8237934 --> 00:40:56,244.8237934
It is really helpful to go halfway around the world.
458
00:40:58,944.8237934 --> 00:40:59,934.8237934
To realize.
459
00:41:03,114.8237934 --> 00:41:04,284.8237934
What doesn't matter.
460
00:41:05,904.8237934 --> 00:41:06,564.8237934
And what does.
461
00:41:10,674.8237934 --> 00:41:14,394.8237934
Sometimes you just need to be that far away from your bullshit.
462
00:41:17,454.8237934 --> 00:41:18,744.8237934
To get your eyes adjusted.
463
00:41:19,164.8237934 --> 00:41:19,704.8237934
Oh, yeah.
464
00:41:19,824.8237934 --> 00:41:20,154.8237934
Oh yeah.
465
00:41:20,214.8237934 --> 00:41:20,424.8237934
Okay.
466
00:41:20,994.8237934 --> 00:41:21,234.8237934
Okay.
467
00:41:27,474.8237934 --> 00:41:29,994.8237934
That is what I have for you two day.
468
00:41:30,384.8237934 --> 00:41:35,34.8237934
Um, I'm also about to post, if you are not subscribed to my sub stack.
469
00:41:35,604.8237934 --> 00:41:42,34.8237934
I highly recommended because I take, portions of the transcript from the podcast.
470
00:41:42,474.8237934 --> 00:41:43,854.8237934
turn it into a piece of writing.
471
00:41:44,274.8237934 --> 00:41:47,664.8237934
And I had some of my pictures that I've taken.
472
00:41:47,714.8237934 --> 00:41:48,224.8237934
Throughout.
473
00:41:48,524.8237934 --> 00:41:49,394.8237934
Just time in general.
474
00:41:49,394.8237934 --> 00:41:55,394.8237934
It's actually really helpful for me because it helps me to get into my archive more than I would.
475
00:41:55,514.8237934 --> 00:41:57,674.8237934
I I'm a gatherer.
476
00:41:57,704.8237934 --> 00:42:00,14.8237934
I take pictures, I put them all in my cheeks and then I.
477
00:42:00,734.8237934 --> 00:42:03,614.8237934
Don't chew any of them for a really long time.
478
00:42:03,674.8237934 --> 00:42:06,464.8237934
And this process has really helped me to.
479
00:42:07,994.8237934 --> 00:42:12,164.8237934
Be in my art more in my photographic art, more so.
480
00:42:13,154.8237934 --> 00:42:18,434.8237934
If you want a visual experience and don't want to hear my ums and AHS and.
481
00:42:20,444.8237934 --> 00:42:22,484.8237934
Coffee drinking swallowing in the mic.
482
00:42:22,944.8237934 --> 00:42:24,564.8237934
then subscribe to my sub stack.
483
00:42:24,594.8237934 --> 00:42:27,834.8237934
I also have a paid version of my sub stack.
484
00:42:28,104.8237934 --> 00:42:29,754.8237934
That is nostalgia now.
485
00:42:29,754.8237934 --> 00:42:34,104.8237934
So it's my monthly Photo graphic journaling templates.
486
00:42:34,674.8237934 --> 00:42:38,494.8237934
And, this month is a really, yummy one.
487
00:42:38,654.8237934 --> 00:42:40,634.8237934
It's even more expansive and.
488
00:42:41,534.8237934 --> 00:42:44,384.8237934
I thought outside the box, even more on this one.
489
00:42:45,614.8237934 --> 00:42:56,544.8237934
So, if you're wanting to have a, one of a kind, Prompted photographic journaling template to help you drop into your life and yourself and your center.
490
00:42:56,814.8237934 --> 00:43:03,504.8237934
Once a month at the end of the month, then, uh, sign up for the paid version of my sub stack, where you will get access to that.
491
00:43:03,624.8237934 --> 00:43:04,704.8237934
I'm about to post that.
492
00:43:05,154.8237934 --> 00:43:06,414.8237934
Um, now as well.
493
00:43:08,934.8237934 --> 00:43:12,804.8237934
The nostalgia now is a deeply.
494
00:43:13,314.8237934 --> 00:43:19,434.8237934
Um, I mean, I get really nervous to say the word therapeutic because I'm obviously not a therapist, not a doctor.
495
00:43:19,524.8237934 --> 00:43:23,114.8237934
never providing any, advice around anything like that.
496
00:43:23,834.8237934 --> 00:43:29,174.8237934
But as far as a self-inquiry perspective, it really helps you, burrow.
497
00:43:29,614.8237934 --> 00:43:30,4.8237934
into the.
498
00:43:30,424.8237934 --> 00:43:43,444.8237934
The layers of your truth and your life and your subconscious and your conscious and your, you know, It's just the most empowering transformative, uh, Mobilizing.
499
00:43:43,864.8237934 --> 00:43:53,14.8237934
Ritual I have, is, are these monthly reflections where I look back on the, on the month I've had, um, and I love sharing it with you also.
500
00:43:54,424.8237934 --> 00:43:58,24.8237934
Uh, if that's of interest to you, um, go ahead and sign up on sub stack.
501
00:43:58,24.8237934 --> 00:43:59,374.8237934
I'll put the link in the show notes.
502
00:43:59,674.8237934 --> 00:44:02,854.8237934
Uh, always would love to see your template.
503
00:44:02,854.8237934 --> 00:44:08,974.8237934
So if you complete yours and want to share it and feel like I'm expressing your discoveries.
504
00:44:09,34.8237934 --> 00:44:12,124.8237934
Uh, you can find me on Instagram at Bianca, Leah, Maura.
505
00:44:12,694.8237934 --> 00:44:16,174.8237934
And, uh, send me a message and a voice memo about your experience.
506
00:44:16,204.8237934 --> 00:44:17,674.8237934
I would love to hear.
507
00:44:18,784.8237934 --> 00:44:19,204.8237934
Okay.
508
00:44:19,774.8237934 --> 00:44:20,404.8237934
That's it.
509
00:44:20,494.8237934 --> 00:44:23,704.8237934
Um, it is getting dark really early these days.
510
00:44:23,704.8237934 --> 00:44:28,594.8237934
And I think I want to go head out and pick up the kiddos before it starts knowing again.
511
00:44:29,134.8237934 --> 00:44:31,594.8237934
And, um, And yeah.
512
00:44:32,74.8237934 --> 00:44:32,524.8237934
Okay.
513
00:44:32,584.8237934 --> 00:44:34,594.8237934
I love you so much and I'll catch you next week.
514
00:44:36,411.1049725 --> 00:44:39,631.1049725
This has been an Awkward Sage Production.
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