Sex, Love, and Relationships in Midlife with Kira Hower

Bree Luck  0:00  
Welcome to the Pause to Go podcast where we explore the process of turning life's transitions into stellar transformations. I'm Bree Luck, founder of The Lovely Unbecoming and host of the Pause to Go Podcast I'm going to walk you through life's stickiest spots from middle school through menopause. You can expect weekly interviews with experts, straight talk with amazing women, and conversations about making the most of every phase of life. Season One of this podcast is all about menopause. So as we head into this next phase of life, let's be prepared -- and not just prepared, inspired. Because when we enter into life transitions with knowledge, support, and a little bit of inspiration. Anything is possible. So join me, won't you And together, we can pause to go. 

As you listen, remember, I’m inviting all kinds experts on this show to give us a multi-model view of perimenopause and menopause. Please know that these conversations are reflecting a variety of opinions and are not meant as a substitute for medical or emotional care. Rather, they are meant to arm you with more information, so that you can be better informed to seek the care you need - when you need it! 

Today I'm really excited because I get to introduce you to Kira Hower. She's a women's empowerment coach & she's awesome. If Kira's company had a tagline it would be "Working with women from the bedroom to the boardroom and back again." And today's episode is really focusing on pleasure. And, and not a moment too soon, as far as I'm concerned. So Kira has an incredible background. She has a Master's from Harvard in education. She has a coaching and organizational learning certification from the Newfield network. She's a member of the International Coaching Federation, she is on the faculty of the Simmons School of Management's executive education program - and she specializes in women's leadership. And she's also a certified sex love, and relationship coach, and her area of focus is on female sexuality and life's transitions. I really love this conversation. I've been thinking about it ever since we had it. And I can't wait for you to hear it. So enjoy. 

Kira, I'm so happy to have you on today and to talk to you about the really beautiful work that you're doing. And I'd love to just start with the question that I'm asking everyone who comes on to Pause to Go, which is - how old are you? And where are you in relation to perimenopause and menopause in your life?

Kira Hower  2:38  
Wonderful. I love that you start with age. So thank you, by the way for having me on. This is really exciting. And I'm really happy to talk about my work and answer all of your wonderful questions. So I'm 53. And I can say that I had a pandemic menopause. My last period was on March 13 of 2020. That's probably more information than you want. But I you know, I really did fully go into menopause through the pandemic.

Bree Luck  3:17  
Wow, that's an intense time to go into menopause.

Kira Hower  3:21  
Yes.

Bree Luck  3:22  
Did you feel prepared for it?

Kira Hower  3:25  
I did. And in fact, I had been preparing for years, to be honest. I think I was in perimenopause for many years, and I had for at least four or even five years prior, I had been having very intermittent periods. So I would go for three months and then get a period and then I would go for six months and get a period and then I would go, I think the longest I went was 10 months. And then my period came back. So by the time I actually went for the full year I was relieved. I mean I was really looking forward to being able to say I'm fully menopausal. And, you know, I'm, I'm in a different zone. So I have to admit, because it happened during the pandemic and that was such a stressful time, I keep waiting. You know, I keep thinking, am I actually going to get it another one? And then do I have to sort of set the clock back? I've always thought this one year, pause seems slightly arbitrary. I've talked to doctors about it, and they kind of agree. But anyway, that is what is the standard right now. So we have to I guess that's what we're working with.

Bree Luck  4:51  
I've been talking with more people who have been on the journey through perimenopause and menopause. Some people are really great about keeping track of their periods and it's fun, almost fun, for them. Like, that's how they are wired. And some people are like, I have no idea. I have no idea when I got my last period. Of course, Menopause is, as I understand it, it's just one day, it's one day, exactly one year after your last period. So I mean, do what you will with that? I mean, did you do anything to celebrate it? Or?

Kira Hower  5:36  
Um, you know, I think internally I did -- not externally. But internally, it felt like a real relief. I think, in part because I had been going through this process of this countdown, and looking forward to it, and really being able to say, there was something about that extension of time that went on for years that I wanted to say, just come on body, get on with it. It isn't that I didn't like getting my period it was it had nothing to do with that. But it was something more about being able to really quantify and say, where I was, in terms of my own hormonal process, and in my own life stage. And I felt like I had been wanting it for so long, you know, because I had been counting by the months, you know,

Bree Luck  6:44  
the way that I hear about it so much is that people feel like they're just being hit with different waves of side effects, I will say, rather than symptoms, because of course, perimenopause is not an illness. But we are often hit by new feelings and changes in our bodies and our minds. And then at that point, just it is something that you can sort of hold on to and say, Okay, I'm here now. I'm here now.

Kira Hower  7:14  
Yeah, absolutely. I was really looking forward to it, quite frankly. And I'm also really intrigued. And sort of baffled by the aging process in general. And I say baffled, I guess that goes in part with just the conversation around how our culture views aging. But I really like to uncover, look at what's underneath our common assumptions and myths and, you know, rules that we live by, I really like to turn them on their head and say, really, is that really true? Can we really look a little bit closer at what that means? And I think that the aging process is one of those places where our culture really is so obsessed with youth. And now that I'm in the thick of it, right? And I'm 53 and  I'm aging in it in the way that I'm aging, I want to be able to say, How can I age in a way that feels really positive, and really radiant to me? And do it in a way that's natural, and that I don't feel like I have to make decisions based on other people's expectations of the way that I'm supposed to look or behave.

Bree Luck  8:41  
I love this deconditioning  - Deconditioning, as we look at the aging process is is just such a beautiful way of approaching a new phase and sex, love and relationships with women at different phases of their life. Do you find that there is a shift in women around this age than actually, maybe it helps us to take that conditioned lens off, right? To look through a fresh lens that is a personal lens instead of a cultural lens as much as we are able, if we are able. But that yes, women enter a phase where there's sort of I mean, to put it into the sort of colloquial terms, there's just no more bullshit, like nobody wants to put up with bullshit.

Kira Hower  9:40  
I could not have put it more beautifully and more concisely and accurately, that is probably the biggest, emotional, psychological, spiritual shift that I see in women at midlife is they simply don't want to put up with bullshit and The more they see through it, they have lived enough to have the wisdom to recognize it. And yet there can also be this real push-pull or this resistance because we've been so so socialized to be caregivers. And so there's this natural pole that we have towards being caregivers. And yet, there is also this somewhat new attraction or calling for taking care of ourselves in a way that we haven't maybe ever, or that we haven't in a long time. And it's also a new way of taking care of ourselves. So this is why I see a lot of women wanting to change their careers, starting their own businesses, questioning their relationships, wanting to really make the most of the second half of their life. And it's a profound, profound shift. And it's something that happens both on a physiological level, and on a psychological level, emotional, immune, it hits all of our spheres, you know, of being. And it's really profound. And exciting, really exciting. And, you know, one of the things that I've talked about in different areas is, is really this notion of a woman's midlife being her second spring. And in Asia, that's what they refer to menopause, as is a woman's Second Spring. And when I first heard that term, It was like a full body experience, you know, that came in like a lightning bolt. And I thought, Oh, my God, this is cultural! This is a cultural experience that I am living through to believe that menopause and aging is negative, that it's about loss, that it's about becoming invisible. All of this is just cultural messages that have been handed down to me. And when I, when I realized that, and realize that it is a mindset shift, that I can think about my menopause, and my aging, and my midlife and beyond, as something that is so positive. And that is, is within my creation, that it is my second spring, that it's a time of creativity, of creating new awarenesses and new experiences and new joy. It was really, really pivotal for me, not only for myself but for my clients. And for what I'm creating. I mean, it is the basis that is the basis of my course. And the workshops that I've given, and all of you know everything I'm doing right now with women who are in this demographic and this stage in life,

Bree Luck  13:38  
I just love to hear a little more about how you do what you're doing.

Kira Hower  13:45  
Right. So one of the things that I really work on with women, whether it's in the course or in private coaching, is to look at how do you want to be creative in your life? How do you want to bring pleasure into your life, on many levels, physical, emotional, spiritual, etc? What does that look like for you and each woman is different? Each woman has a dream and a desire to go deep into certain areas to make changes to look at what is depleting them, of pleasure, and what feeds them. And so, the course I created for women in their second spring, to really look at that as a topic but to look at it through the lens of sexuality, and to look at how sexuality and our relationship to it can energize us. Can feed us can bring more pleasure, can enhance our relationships, can increase more connection and love and joy in our lives. It's at its foundation. That's really what it's about is about helping women to figure out what gets in their way of really experiencing deep pleasure in their lives and deep joy. And how do we deal with those barriers? What we know, where do they come from? Looking back, we do look back on their history and their experiences, and what are the messages that they've been sent throughout their lives because so much of our resistance around pleasure and worthiness of pleasure and so forth comes from our upbringing. And our past history,

Bree Luck  15:53  
I hear a lot and I have felt a lot, that we carry a lot of baggage as we go through puberty and become sexual beings. Many of us do, right? Many women that I'm talking to. Many have had glorious sex lives, people are coming with all different stories of what has happened to them, in terms of their intimate and sexual life. But I guess what I'm trying to say is that we, there have been a number of women who already carry some trauma, or baggage or shame, or fear, or joy, or delight around their sexual identity when they are in their teens, 20s, 30s, into 40s. Right? And, and so we're already coming with all of this stuff. For those of us who maybe haven't felt like we have had the opportunity to be the sexual and intimate beings, to have those relationships, to have that pleasure. Is it possible to find it after? Like, if we haven't found it yet? Is it possible to find it for the first time after menopause?

Kira Hower  17:33  
So I love this question. And the very simple and enthusiastic answer I will give you is Yes, absolutely. 100%. And I really, really want people to hear that, and let that sink in. We are capable of feeling and experiencing sexual pleasure until our last breath. And the notion that we dry up, literally and figuratively, you know, is simply not true. Now. Is it true that hormones and you know, decreasing estrogen impact our physical experience? And do we get drier? Yes, we do. But is there something we can do about it? Yes, there are, you know, 1000s of lubricants out there that can help us to feel, you know, to bring that moisture back into our bodies. That is a simple fix. Right? But what isn't simple, is how we feel about our bodies as we age. So that's the stuff that we really need to look at. We need to believe that we can be and deserve to be sexual and sensual Well into our golden years, right? To your point, you know, sexuality hits every layer of our being, from our physical being, our emotional being, our psychological, all of it, our relational piece. So what ends up happening is that often women who have not had very pleasant experiences in their lives, have not -- do not associate sex as being a pleasant experience will very easily write it off as not important -- that that just is not going to be part of their lives. And it is honestly, more than just a shame, it's actually really important for their physical health and their overall well-being. And so, you know, there are so many benefits to having a healthy sexual experience, and it starts with themselves, they do not need to be in a partnership to have a vibrant sex life. It starts with ourselves. And so that's a hurdle for many women. Because let's face it, you know, our generation and older, we were not necessarily most of us were not encouraged to self-pleasure. You know, there's so much shame that's put around on women's bodies from the get-go. Right from the beginning,  from naming body parts, things that are not real,  to not even talking about our body parts. The kind of sex ed that most of us got was abysmal and totally inaccurate. And so it really starts with looking at number one. Where does a woman feel like she gives herself permission for pleasure? We live in a puritanical culture here in the United States, especially on the East coast. But you know, in general, we are a puritanical culture that says, pleasure is something you earn. You have to work hard for it, right?

Bree Luck  21:50  
Yes!

Kira Hower  21:51  
That's ridiculous! Our bodies thrive on pleasure. When we feel joy. You know, there are so many benefits to your body feeling joy, but when we feel joy and pleasure, there's a neurochemical reaction that happens in our body with nitric oxide that helps us become healthier. It helps our heart It helps our blood. It helps our cells. It helps fight cancer.  I could go on and on.  It also, quite frankly, is anti-aging. Like if you want to know the best way to endorse anti-aging, start to have orgasms. You don't need the anti-aging creams, what you need is more orgasms. So that's but you know, but that's a radical way of thinking. Right? And it shouldn't be. It just shouldn't be. First of all, our pleasure matters. It's our birthright. And, you know, it's a shame that -- I mean, it's more than a shame. It's horrendous that this is some sort of novel idea because in our culture, men's pleasure is a given. So why is our pleasure not a given? And that enters the whole conversation about the pleasure gap, which is way too big. And I know that's going to be a whole other course that I create on how to close the pleasure gap. You know -

Bree Luck  23:33  
I can't wait for that one.

Kira Hower  23:38  
 I know, I have to do it, I just have to do it. Because I feel so passionate about it. And it's simply, again, it's one of these things that it's like, this is a cultural experience that we all go through and that we accepted as truth, and it is bullshit. Women deserve just as much pleasure. And I recently heard a term called intimacy equality. And I love that term. Of course, we should have equality in the bedroom, why would we not. And all of the research shows that women who are in homosexual relationships have much, much more pleasure. So this is really something that affects heterosexual couples more than it does homosexual couples. And that's important. That's an important thing to look at and, you know, a lot of women when they're in their midlife and beyond, a lot of women who have been in heterosexual relationships, say you know what, I'm actually going to try being with a woman because it will be more fulfilling, potentially, and many of them find that it is.

Bree Luck  24:56  
 I have had so many friends who are in heterosexual relationships and who did not identify as bisexual until they hit their 40s. And then and then entered into same-sex relationships or identified then as bisexual or pansexual. And it's, it makes so much sense to me, I totally get it. I totally get it.

Kira Hower  25:25  
I think we all get it. And we may not be able to articulate why, but I'm going to say that so much of it has to do with the actual experience that women are having in the bedroom -- or wherever they are having, you know, the kitchen, wherever they are. It's simply not it's not pleasant enough. I mean, this is a very basic formula. If sex isn't good, right? And it's not fulfilling, and then it becomes painful. Why would you want to have it? And that's what ends up happening to so many women is they just stop having sex altogether. And so here's the thing: We have, we have this assumption that our lovers should be virtual says, or we should be. And it's ridiculous. None of us are taught proper sex ed, none of us are taught techniques of how to be a good lover. And so we fumble around thinking that we know what we're doing. And then the worst part is that if we're in a long-term relationship, we end up creating these habits of fumbling. And at a certain point, with the wisdom of midlife, a lot of women say, you know what, I'm done. This just isn't fun anymore. I'm not going to do this. And if it becomes painful, that's a perfectly good reason to say no, I'm stopping. Okay, so the number one predictor of women in midlife having a vibrant sex life -- the number one predictor is getting a new partner. So here's the problem with that: Okay, so first of all, for the women who are in monogamous relationships and want to stay in those relationships, it poses a threat. I mean, because, okay, so what do you do with that? It's very difficult to go from a non-monogamous relationship to an open relationship. That's a whole can of worms that most women and men don't want to deal with. So what it means is that both partners have to become that new partner. And that means getting educated, learning new techniques, actively making it a priority, changing habits, communicating more than you've ever communicated before. And really looking at what turns us on. And so much of that has to do with slowing things down. And recognizing that often, sex or sexual energy is not what turns most women on. It's sensual, sensual energy, it's sensuality, it's sensual experiences. And so you know, and there's a wonderful quiz that you can take online by Jaiya, and she has what's called the five, the erotic blueprints. And it's a great framework.

Bree Luck  28:55  
I'll link that in the show notes --

Kira Hower  28:59  
And, you know, for people to be able to say, Oh, this makes sense. It's not about our compatibility. It's like we're speaking different languages. It's a little bit like the five love languages. I give that as a resource to people all the time because it's really helpful.

Bree Luck  29:17  
It also sounds like this opportunity or need, actually, to be new partners to ourselves and to our partners, and to help our partners be new partners to us in long-term relationships. But that also calls on us to, to be creative. You mentioned before the second spring and that it's a new creative period in life and that seems like a great opportunity to start to flex those creative muscles too

Kira Hower  29:54  
totally 100% and you know, and it's really it's something that we need be playful about. We need to be light-hearted about it --

Bree Luck  30:04  
East Coasters playful?

Kira Hower  30:09  
Exactly. 

Bree Luck  30:10  
We're both East Coasters, by the way. Kira is right now in Massachusetts, and I'm in Virginia, neither are known for being particularly playful.

Kira Hower  30:20  
No, that's so true. That's so true. So you know, part of this is about looking, looking at sex and sexuality and sensuality as play.  We need this as we age. One of the problems that happens as we age is that we tend to focus on the pain, we tend to focus on what isn't working, we tend to focus on the loss. And again, going back to the notion of second spring, can we change our perspective, our view? Where are we going to put the focus? Are we going to focus on the pain? Are we going to focus on pleasure? Are we going to focus on joy? I know that that may sound superficial, but let me assure you that it's not, when we bring more pleasure into our bodies and into our lives, it has such an unbelievable ripple effect. Not only on a physiological level but on an emotional level on a relational level. And that's really important, especially as we age because we need to feel what is positive in our lives, we need to feel that joy,

Bree Luck  31:42  
With many of my clients, we talk about and maximize the idea of habit stacking to build new habits and to reinforce habits that serve us. And it makes me think that we really need to make sure that we're making pleasure a habit.

Kira Hower  32:05  
yeah, absolutely, absolutely. I mean, one of the things that I do with my one on one clients is, at the end of every session, we talk about what the focus is going to be for the next couple of weeks until our next session, and we talk about the action steps. And then we determine what the body-centered practices are going to be, to help with the intention of really of connecting with whatever the focus is. So let's say a woman wants to focus on building her confidence over the next few weeks, as there's something going on in her life, and she needs to have more confidence. Okay, so what are the body-centered practices that are going to help you to build your confidence? And we identify a couple that are doable, and so much of this, this whole conversation around sexuality and sensuality, and really creating your second spring, it is anchored in the body. And so it's anchored in physical pleasure that then branches out to all of the other levels of pleasure and joy.

Bree Luck  33:25  
So here's a question for you, Kira, because I know that you do this beautiful work around intimacy and sexuality, but you also do executive coaching. And so my question is: Do you find that when people engage more fully with their sexual selves, when they are able to cultivate greater pleasure in their lives, greater sensuality in their lives, that it translates to other facets of their lives?

Kira Hower  34:08  
Absolutely. I mean, there is a direct correlation. And, you know, our sexual beings, our sexual energy is really directly connected to our core being. And it's also directly connected to our physical being. So when we're feeling fulfilled, and vibrant, and radiant, and sexy, and beautiful, and confident, and all of that. It has an impact on us physically. It has an impact on us in terms of how we show up in the world, and it impacts our happiness. And so yes, directly related. And, you know, that's why my tagline could be working with women from the boardroom to the bedroom, and back again. Really, it's all there. Yeah. You know, it's funny, I have been an executive coach for, you know, a couple of decades now. And I was really a little worried, you know, being a New Englander and worried about how to position myself as a coach, how do I create that bridge, between doing women's leadership and executive coaching, and then moving into being a sex love and relationships coach? And the reality is, I do see this as women's empowerment at all levels, so for me, the process of working with a woman is really the same. It's really about where do you want to get to, what are your deepest desires? Whether they're professional or intimate. And what are the barriers to getting you there? And how do we take the steps to get there? And anchoring it always in the body, I mean, I do body-centered practices with my executive leadership, clients too and it's really important. It's important to understand our nervous system, it's important to understand our body language, it's important to understand the body as a tool. And so I think women's empowerment is something I'm so passionate about. And I have positioned it that way, and it's working,

Bree Luck  37:04  
I love it, I love that you're doing this and I think that you're really onto something. Why don't you tell us about this upcoming course that you have?

Kira Hower  37:16  
Sure. Thank you also for saying that. So I think that part of my learning how to move through, and having the courage to work in the sexuality world, really speaks to just the taboo nature of sex and sexuality in general, and I want to normalize the conversation, we have to normalize it. My course is called the Sexuality and Aging Masterclass. And it's a hybrid course of online videos. It's an online course, basically made up of six modules, and also includes group coaching. And so my groups are no more than eight women. And I've found that to be the sweet spot number, women really, really thrive when they are feeling supported. And they can be honest, and vulnerable. And what I found is a lot of the women who have taken the course have said things like -- These are topics that I can't even talk to my best friend about. And I definitely can't talk to my partner about it. So we need a place to be able to talk to one another, about these issues that are so important. And, and I also give them the education that they didn't get, that's important too -- so there's the foundational piece and just getting the basic information about female sexuality, that we look at sex through the lens of male sexuality, and that is a major problem. And so I really break down what is female sexuality, and how do we tick? What gets us turned on and what gets us turned off, and what's the role that our body plays in that, our aging body plays in that? And then we look at how we feel about our bodies and our own inner critic, and how that impacts our connection to our sexual selves. And then we look at our mind and our brain and the function that the brain has that monkey mind that can get in the way. And then we look at the role of emotions and how emotions play such a big part in our sexual well being and then we look at relationships and honestly that's a place where the entire course could be anchored just in relationship. And then the last module is on creating your second spring.  And it's really looking at how do you want to create your unique life. What does being radically radiant mean to you? What does your second spring look and feel like? So it's kind of the future-looking module and then that's how it ends. And you know, there's a component of a community, I put it on the course portal itself. And then I also offer one on one coaching, if people are interested in taking it to an even deeper level and working on their very specific issues. We can do that too.

Bree Luck  40:47  
I love this so much. And people tease me all the time. Because I'm saying, I am so excited about menopause and perimenopause. It's almost like I get to redo puberty on my terms this time. Like, I believe my body may go through stuff, but I'm going to have a greater awareness of it. And I'm going to have a support system, and I'm going to talk about it. We're going to talk about this shit. And what you are doing just makes me feel even more excited. It makes me feel on such a deep level, the potential that there is in this time of transition, in our bodies and our minds and our culture as it continues to grow and shift with these kinds of real conversations. So thank you for that. I'd love to ask you. What is one thing that you think that people who are going through perimenopause should know or do -- if you could leave us with one thing? Just one, just one hot tip from Kira.

Kira Hower  42:03  
Okay, I would say moisturize your vulva.

Bree Luck  42:09  
Awesome.

Kira Hower  42:10  
I mean, yeah, get some resources because it's much harder to do it later. So keep yourself moisturized way before you think that you need to. But and that's just a fact. But I think the overarching idea would be, you know, find out how you can connect most with your body. And pleasure. And if you're not experiencing pleasure now, then start. Invite yourself to just start you know, and figure out what that means. So I guess that would be probably more accurate.

Bree Luck  43:00  
Well, actually, I think that moisturizing your vulva is a start to finding some pleasure. 

Kira Hower  43:06  
Exactly, they're connected.

Bree Luck  43:08  
They're connected. I love that thank you so much. How can we find you?

Kira Hower  43:14  
The best way to find me is to go onto my website to peruse around a little bit and read about me and then you can look into my course. I have a sales page where you can apply for the course directly on the website. Or you can just shoot me an email at KiraHower@gmail.com.

Bree Luck  43:35  
Kira, Thank you so much. I'm gonna go moisturize my vulva.

I love this conversation with Kira, and I'm going to give you my key takeaways from it. Number one, a woman's midlife is your second spring, it's an opportunity to let go of the negative cultural messaging and have a mindset shift, to embrace a time of creative experiences and joy. Number Two:  Really examine what it looks like to live creatively and to welcome pleasure into your life -- and audit what your desires are, and also what's in your way, so you can deal with those barriers and move beyond. Also, it's never too late to start doing this. Three, it's time to close the pleasure gap. None of us are taught how to be a good lover in sex ed. We need to get educated, change our habits, learn to communicate, and really look at what turns us on. Number four, moisturize your vulva. I mean really, you can do that right now.

Thank you so much for listening to the Pause to Go podcast. If you got something out of this episode, let us know! Share it with a friend, join our Facebook group, and subscribe, rate, and review on Apple podcasts -- if you loved it. If not, no worries, we want you to tell it like it is and we'd love to have your input. If you want to know more about what I'm up to, you can follow me on Instagram  @thelovelyunbecoming or at my website, https://thelovelyunbecoming.com.  Stay curious y'all!