170: Here's Why I Resolve to Fail More

Andrea Askowitz  0:14  
I'm Andrea Askowitz.

Allison Langer  0:16  
And I'm Allison Langer. And this is Writing Class Radio. You'll hear true personal stories and learn how to write your own stories. Together, we produce this podcast, which is equal parts heart and art. By heart, we mean the truth in a story. And by art, we mean the craft of writing, no matter what's going on in our lives, writing class is where we tell the truth. It's where we work out our sheeeeeit.

Andrea Askowitz  0:38  
Oh I forgot! See, I'm so- I'm like out of it. Shit, I meant to say.

Allison Langer  0:44  
Okay, good. There's no place in the world like writing class, and we want to bring you in. Today on our show, we bring you a story by Andrea Askowitz.

Andrea Askowitz  0:56  
I love how you said it. 

Allison Langer  0:57  
No, I'm gonna say better. Andrea Askowitz! Like how they do at a basketball game- is in the house. Anyway, we're talking about the writing process. How if you're not getting rejected, you're for sure failing. 

Andrea Askowitz  1:12  
That's good!

Allison Langer  1:13  
In order- I got the thumbs up. Like, you can't succeed if you don't get rejected. So- and how much fun that is, right? We love to call each other and be like, guess what? I got the best rejection. And we compare rejections. She has more because she is trying to succeed more. I'm failing.

Andrea Askowitz  1:34  
I'm trying to get rejected more.

Allison Langer  1:35  
I love it. Andrea's story is called I've Been Rejected 643 Times. Here's Why I Resolved to Fail More. Back with Andrea's story after the break. We're back. This is Allison Langer and you're listening to Writing Class Radio. Up next is Andrea Askowitz reading her story, I've Been Rejected 643 Times. Here's Why I Resolved to Fail More.

Andrea Askowitz  2:03  
Last Friday night, I was washing dishes when I said, "Yay, it's the weekend!" "Isn't everyday that weekend for you?" My 14 year old son Sebastian said. I was like, "Listen, buster. First of all, I wake up at 6:25 to get you to school. I know you think I crawl back to bed, but I have work to do." I could hear the defensiveness in my voice before I even got to my resume. "I have a podcast, you know. A podcast requires script writing, editing and recording." My voice turns shrill. "I also write essays and teach writing classes. Those classes don't just automatically materialize." Now I wanted to clobber him. I took a breath. "And I wrote a book." When I said that, I turned away. I felt my body deflate like someone pulled the plug on one of those tube men outside a car dealership. My book came out before this kid was even born, and now he's six feet tall. He knows about the book. He also knows it wasn't a best seller. Oh my god, I'm a loser.

I'm sure Sebastian didn't hear what I said next, because I spoke directly into the dishwasher. "I'm trying to get another book out." I had been trying for so long, eight years, it embarrassed me to say it. I got into bed that night, exhausted by my busy week, feeling so sad. My son thinks I sleep all day, because I have so little to show for what I do. The following Monday, to prepare to teach my essay writing class, I read an essay by humor writer Elissa Bassist when an email notification popped up on my screen. Another agent rejection. I put my head on my desk. Maybe I should go back to sleep. After who knows how long, I pulled my head up and clicked on Elissa Bassist's website. I wanted to know what else she's written. How she carries on. Then I saw what I didn't know I needed: a class called The Art of Rejection. I signed up. For two hours I took notes. I learned all the ways Elissa and so many writers reject ourselves before we even try. By telling ourselves we'll make someone mad if we tell a certain story. By telling ourselves we're not qualified or smart enough to write what we want to write. By telling ourselves no one cares what we have to say. She spoke through the Zoom screen and directly into my brain. Lower your expectations. Now lower them more. Lower, lower. She said she went from expecting to be famous to expecting to stay awake all day. "Send your stories out for rejection," Elissa said. "The opposite of rejection is doing nothing." At the end of class we brainstormed ways to celebrate rejection. This idea wasn't new. In the old days, authors hung their rejection slips on their walls, but printing out email rejections is bad for the environment. One student suggested eating ice cream every time a rejection came in, a ritual I already practiced. I felt inspired to do something that would create a permanent and visual record of proof of trying. I build a pile of rocks as a monument to rejection. After class, I opened my agent spreadsheet. Since 2015, I've received 95 agent rejections plus 10 small press rejections. That's 105 rejections on my latest book. I pulled out my file folders. In each folder, one piece of paper is dedicated to one essay. When I submit, I note date and publication. When a story gets rejected, I mark an X and submit to another publication. I've been writing for almost 25 years, but I've only kept score for the last 13. Who knows how many rejections I accrued on my first book, and all the essays I submitted before that. I gathered the rocks and shells my kids and I collected over the years, which were strewn all over the yard. I cleaned out an old ceramic pot and added one shell or one rock for each rejection. I had so many rejections I ran out of rocks. So I walked through the neighborhood and stole river stones one of my neighbors uses for landscaping. I did a quick look around, then filled my pockets until my shorts were falling down. Still, I had to resort to the pebbles we put down behind our house, so our dog wouldn't create a mud run. I consider my dad a winner in life. He grew up in the 40s and 50s in Hialeah, Florida, a working class neighborhood. His dad, my grandpa, was a used car salesman. To get through college, my dad played football on a scholarship. He got so beat up he quit, and then sold women's shoes to pay tuition. He became an eye doctor and an entrepreneur, and knows a lot about trying and failing. When I complained about my own failures, he told me a major league baseball player can bat a 300 and still be one of the best in the world. That means he fails seven out of ten times at bat. Basically, the more you fail, the more likely you are to become the best in the world. This perspective switch feels life-changing. Now I see my rejections as a sign that I'm in the game. I'm doing the opposite of nothing. In the years since I've been keeping track of my submissions, I've incurred 643 rejections. I built an impressive rock pile. Even my son thinks it's something. I'm off to a running start. Still, next year, I resolve to fail more.

Allison Langer  8:00  
Awesome. Okay, so how many times has this been rejected?

Andrea Askowitz  8:04  
Oh my God. Thanks for asking. And thank you for accepting this submission, because I wanted to talk about that, because it's been rejected, I think- well, let me- can I go through it? How many times this has been rejected? 

Allison Langer  8:16  
Yeah, of course. 

Andrea Askowitz  8:17  
Okay, so first, Nolan Michelson, of the Huffington Post, put out a call for- it was like a call for odd New Year's resolution stories. So- okay, first I- and he said that he was open to pitches. So first I pitched him, Every Year I Resolve to Drink More. And he wrote me back saying, "Ah, I don't know, it might be offensive," which is what I said to him, like, I understand this might be offensive. So then, like, the next day, I sent him another pitch. And I was like, I promise, this is the last pitch. And I pitched this essay. And he said, yes, this is good. Write this one. I can't accept it until I see the full essay. So I wrote the whole essay. And like a day later, I mean, it took several days, it took a while to write the essay, but like, he turns it around so fast. But anyway, the day- the next day, he sends me back, like, I'm sorry, this is too writer focused. Rejection. So I added a rock to my pile. And oh, he said- because he said it was too writer focused, I was like, okay, well, maybe I should submit it to a writing publication. So then I submitted it to Brevity Blog, and they rejected it. And then I submitted it to- I was going to submit it to Catapult, but Catapult closed. And then I submitted it to this editor that I've worked with many times- or twice, at least- at Hippocampus Magazine, but then she retired, and then so- then I submitted it to Submittable, and then I thought, wait, I know a publication that- that is writer focused. Writing Class Radio. Well, you could have told me it was dogshit.

Allison Langer  9:56  
Yeah. One that I can- I can accept myself. 

Andrea Askowitz  10:01  
Yeah.

Allison Langer  10:02  
But you were sweet. 

Andrea Askowitz  10:03  
You would have said add another rock to your pile and move on. 

Allison Langer  10:05  
No, I would've. And- well, I wouldn't probably say it that way. I'm learning my lessons. But no, I mean, I think it's good. Because, you know, this isn't just about writing, in my opinion. That's why- I mean, I love Noah. But I can totally relate, not just because I get rejected all the time, but because I don't do things because I'm afraid to get rejected. And so is my kid, you know, one of my kids is very, like, I don't want to try out, because I might get rejected. And then basically what ends up happening is, you don't ever know whether you would have made the team or- you know, you just don't know. So- but kids are kids, you know, they're afraid to fail. They're afraid to look shitty in front of their friends and talked about and all that stuff. But now at our age, we know that like, no one gives a shit about you. I mean, you're old news in like 10 seconds, so why not? And you know, what's cool is that sometimes people have said to you, well, it's not good for us, but try this place, and then you've ended up making great contacts elsewhere and getting published elsewhere. And that would have never happened had you not just gone for it. 

Andrea Askowitz  11:09  
True that. 

Allison Langer  11:10  
I didn't take one note. I'm sorry, I- you're right. Like halfway through, I was like, fuck, I should be taking notes. I'm gonna have to comment.

Andrea Askowitz  11:17  
You're like, wait, Andrea is not listening. Because she's tak-

Allison Langer  11:20  
She can't be taking notes because she's reading. But I thought this was really well grounded. So we know when this is taking place. We know who she's- this narrator is talking to. Last Friday night. She's talking to her son. And what he says like, you know, what our kids say, actually, sometimes hurts. You know, especially when you're a writer, and you're sitting home all day, and you're writing and trying to make money and do classes, and no one sees that. They're like, oh, you can do all the hard work. That just reminds me, oh my god, I have to go get a group gift. Because I'm the one who sits at home. Right? So of course, I'm the one who goes to get the group gift. Yeah, it's it's sucky. But we are trying to do shit. You gave me a face. I know. And I'm going off track.

Andrea Askowitz  12:03  
No, I'm giving you a face because like, yeah, that's me. I'm the one who sits around all day. That- that's what my kids think. After I get out of bed.

Allison Langer  12:09  
I know. I know. But I thought you did a great job of explaining, like, I have a podcast. It requires a script and editing and recording. And you know, we don't- they don't see that it also requires trying to get it out there, and marketing it, and you know, all the stuff that goes along with that.

Andrea Askowitz  12:21  
Fuckin' right. I didn't even get into it. I barely got into it. Yeah. I should let him- next time there's like, take your kid to work day, I should like really make him see what I'm doing.

Allison Langer  12:35  
How long do you think that would last?

Andrea Askowitz  12:37  
I know, right? He'd be like, bored. Alright, you're busy. I believe you, bye.

Allison Langer  12:42  
But then I like what this narrator does by taking the class with Elissa Bassist, you know, and we start to get like the backstory of what changed. So we always are like, something changed. But what incited that change? And I thought the narrator did a great job of showing us like, holy shit, I took this class and what I realized is, I need to change the way I think. Which again, Noah Michelson, is something the whole world can relate to. In my opinion.

Andrea Askowitz  13:06  
Yeah, Noah. 

Allison Langer  13:07  
Noah, Noah.

Andrea Askowitz  13:08  
I'm not bitter. 

Allison Langer  13:10  
She paid me to be mean to you. Anyway, and it's not mean. I totally get it. Every publication has their thing. So sometimes we get stuff and I'm like, that's not good for us. But good luck elsewhere. You know, it's well written, but- so I totally get it, and he loves you. So.

Andrea Askowitz  13:25  
Oh yeah, that one was the nicest rejection, I was just really surprised because even though I was taking Elissa's, like, advice to lower my expectations, lower, lower, lower. I, by accident, had high expectations for a second, and I thought that Noah was gonna love it. And then I was like, whaaaat?

Allison Langer  13:44  
Yeah. Anyway, the narrator tells us about the book, about her essays, the whole thing, and her process, which I thought was really good. And then she tells us what she does, about the rocks and the shells and making a huge pile. So what does that pile do for you?

Andrea Askowitz  14:00  
Oh, I love my pile. I was thinking that maybe we should- could show the picture of the pile for the episode. Because it's- it really does make me feel- honestly, this Elissa class, Elissa Bassist class, about failure. It changed me. It made me be like, wait. God, I'm doing great. Because I have so many rocks in my pile.

Allison Langer  14:23  
You know, I was talking to somebody today in First Draft, and, you know, we were sort of talking, like, "How's it going with your writing? Are you happy with the process? Are you trying to get published or not?" And in the woman said, "No, you know, really what I'm doing is writing because it's for me to work out my stuff in my head. And I really don't care so much about getting it published right now. Maybe one day it'll become something." But for most people, or some people, I think they do just really want to try to work things out in their head, and occasionally a story really hits them that they want to share with the public, and I think that's totally fine. You don't have to be a writer to be submitting and getting rejected and really trying to get your voice out into the world.

Andrea Askowitz  15:03  
You don't have to be published to be a writer. 

Allison Langer  15:06  
That's true, too. 

Andrea Askowitz  15:07  
I so understand that some people don't want to get published. I'm just kind of a whore.

Allison Langer  15:13  
Okay, before we finish this up, I just wanted to ask you, what was the mindset of putting your dad, the example of your dad, in there?

Andrea Askowitz  15:21  
So I thought that my Dad- did you not like it? Like, do you think it came out of nowhere? Like here's this-

Allison Langer  15:26  
I thought it could be done without it. But we've talked about that, and there was a reason, and I can't remember what it was, that you liked it in there.

Andrea Askowitz  15:32  
I thought that my dad's example- and my dad has told me this. And I- I really was- I was like picking up the rocks, picking up the rocks. And I was talking- and putting the rocks in the bowl. And I was talking to Sebastian, and I remembered my dad. And I told him what my dad's theory is, you know, that a major league baseball player can bat a 300 and be the best in the world, one of the best in the world. And that means fails 7 out of 10 times and I- I just feel like it's a perfect parallel. I'm getting tripped up because I don't know if that's a metaphor or not. And we just learned about metaphor, too. Anyway, I feel like the batter is a parallel. That example. And for me, that shows- I'm not only talking about getting rejected in writing, but you have to try really hard and fail, fail, fail, fail, at least 7 out of 10 times. And if you fail at least seven out of 10 times, you can still be one of the best in the world. So failure doesn't mean that you're bad. Failure means you're playing. 

Allison Langer  16:35  
You're in the game. 

Andrea Askowitz  16:36  
You're in the game. Exactly.

Allison Langer  16:38  
Well, we can tell by the end that this narrator is in the game and intends to stay in the game. And I think that's a really cool ending, because we see where she's going. And she's changed. We see the change from the beginning to end how failing, she was really sad. And then she has a new perspective on failing, which I think is really cool. Damn. 

Andrea Askowitz  16:56  
Thanks. 

Allison Langer  16:58  
Thank you for listening. And thank you, Andrea Askowitz, for sharing your story with us.

Writing Class Radio is hosted by me, Allison Langer.

Andrea Askowitz  17:15  
And me, Andrew Askowitz. I am so out of it, sorry.

Allison Langer  17:22  
Audio production by Matt Cundill, Evan Surminski, Chloe Emond-Lane, and Aidan Glassey at the Soundoff Media Company. The music is by Justina Chandler. There's more writing class on our website, including stories we study, editing resources, video classes, writing retreats, and live online classes. Join our writing community by following us on Patreon. If you want to write with us every week, you can join first draft, which is a weekly writers group. You have the option to join me on Tuesdays 12-1 Eastern, and Eduardo Winck, 8 to 9pm Eastern.

Andrea Askowitz  17:54  
I just want to- I just want to ask the world, like ask out loud, like, why isn't everyone in the world coming to first draft? It's like the best thing ever.

Allison Langer  18:04  
Some people have a job. They can't just take time off like that, and then they have families, and they can't just take eight to nine off. So I get it.

Andrea Askowitz  18:11  
You mean everybody's not just sitting around like I do?

Allison Langer  18:14  
Exactly. But if you do get a lunch break, or you do have time after dinner, it's a great way to meet other writers. It's not like a class. It's a group, a support group. For writers. We bounce ideas off of each other, people get to listen and share. It's just- it's- you know, just keeping the habit going and setting ourselves up for better and more excellent rejection. Anyway, what we do is, we write to a prompt and we share what we wrote. And that also applies if you're a business owner, community activist, a group that needs healing, an entrepreneur, or you want to help your team write better, check out all the classes we offer, because we can help you. And those are on our website, writingclassradio.com. Join our community. We come together for instruction, an excuse to write, and the support from other writers. To learn more, go to patreon.com/writingclassradio, or sign up at writingclassradio.com. A new episode will drop every other Wednesday.

Marino Toussaint  19:13  
There is no better way to understand ourselves and each other than by writing and sharing our stories. Everyone has a story. What's yours? 

Tara Sands (Voiceover)  19:24  
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