172: How to Start a New Job

Andrea Askowitz  0:11  
I'm Andrea Askowitz.

Allison Langer  0:17  
I'm Alison Lange and this is Writing Class Radio. You'll hear true personal stories and learn how to write your own stories. Together, we produce this podcast which is equal parts heart and heart. By heart, we mean the truth in a story. And by art we mean the craft of writing. No matter what's going on in our lives, writing classes where we tell the truth. It's where we work on our shit.

Andrea Askowitz  0:37  
Shit. 

Allison Langer  0:40  
There's no place in the world like writing class and we want to bring you in. Today on our show, we bring you a story by Sumitra Mattai. Sumitra is a writer and textile designer based in New York City. She holds a BFA in textile design from Rhode Island School of Design and an MFA in Creative Writing from the new school. She is a smarty pants. 

Andrea Askowitz  1:04  
Yeah, she has cool credits. 

Allison Langer  1:06  
Her essays on food, family and culture have been published in all sorts of places. For more information, please visit her website, sumitramatthai.com That's s-u-m-i-t-r-a-m-a-t-t-h-a-i and you can find that in the show notes. Her Instagram is @sumitramatthai or you can subscribe to her newsletter Clothbound that's like c-l-o-t-h cloth bound b-o-u-n-d one word. And basically she's highlighting textiles and art design in everyday life. It's cool. Her story called, How To Start A New Job is a really interesting example how to change up structure because it's literally a list. But in that list, you will see it's so much more than just a list. Back with Sumitra Matthai's story after the break. We're back. This is Alison Langer and you're listening to Writing Class Radio. Up next is to Sumitra Matthai reading her story, How To Start A New Job.

Sumitra Mattai (Narrator)  2:17  
Number one, spend an hour the night before your first day trying on outfits. debate between an all black ensemble and something more memorable -  printed dress or a pink blouse. Consider the weather, the choice of footwear, contemplate a blazer, decide on a pattern skirt and a buttoned down shirt or jewelry box for a talisman of some kind. This silver cuff you bought on a trip to India, the vintage necklace from your older sister. Choose small gold earrings and your watch. Even though the time is off, and you can't figure out how to fix it. Ask your husband if you look like you're trying too hard. Be aware of his answer, which will feel more important than it should. Number two, show up too early and pace up and down Broadway for 10 minutes. Noting the location of the coffee shops, dry cleaner and shoe repair store. Think if the job goes well, you could commute to this blog for years, possibly even for the rest of your career. You know this should bring you relief, but instead, your right eye starts to twitch. Ponder the future as you watch pigeons circle the sky. Number three. Notice on your new desk the box of business cards with your name and your big new title, Vice President of Design. Pull one out and look at it. Run your fingers over the smooth cardstock. Wonder who this woman is and how she got this far. Number four, as your new boss leads you around the office, smile and tell everyone you are excited to be there. Even though you feel like you might throw up. Number five, answer the pointed questions of the younger women who've been at the company for years and seem unhappy. You've been hired as their future boss at 42. You are older than them, but not by enough to command their respect. Try to ignore their disapproval, their side eyes and pinch lips, the whispers in your wake. Number six. Realize you may be the only South Asian person in the office, possibly in the whole company. It has been this way from kindergarten to grade school, high school, college and every workplace in your career. Do not bother fighting the discomfort which by now is second nature steeped into your personality. Still today, as your stomach churns with jitters, feel especially vulnerable and out of place, like a penguin in a cave full of bears. Number seven. When your new boss asks you to lunch, say yes. Sit by the window at the Italian restaurant across the street and order a salad that turns out to be much smaller than you expected. Ask him questions about his life and his background. Hide your smile when he starts to gossip, telling you tales out of school as he calls them. As you learn about the highs and lows of his decades long career, wonder what it took for him to keep showing up. Remember, you were supposed to replace him when he retires. And even though you took the job, it still feels like a dubious plan. You can never be him just as he could never be you. Clean your plate and remind yourself that the future can only come one day at a time. Listen and nod and hope there is no arugula in your teeth. Number eight. By three o'clock in the afternoon. Realize you do not know where the light switches are, what the Wi Fi password is, your coworkers names, the computer systems, how to use the printer or where they keep the pens. Every time you leave your desk, get lost on the way back. Circle the conference room two or three times. hope no one notices. Sit in the bathroom stall between trading sessions. Brace against the waves of nostalgia for your old workplace. The familiar faces the familiar mess, the sense of ownership. It took five years to cultivate. Count floor tiles and remind yourself why you left. Better company, better pay, better commute. Remind yourself these are solid reasons. Good on paper. Number nine. flashback to the screaming fits of your old boss whose voice thundered down the hall setting the whole office on edge. Remember how you learn to work around his manic highs, solid lows and periodic fury? Adapting just as you did to your father's unpredictable moods? Remember the disappointment in his voice on the day you resigned? How could you do this to me? Number 10. Remind yourself to be grateful as you think about your friends in the industry losing jobs. Wonder why logic doesn't prevent the urge to cry. Number 11. At 5:30pm take a Motrin because your head is throbbing on the subway. Scroll through text messages you missed throughout the day from your husband, your mother, former co workers and old friends wishing you well on your first day. Send them heart and prayer hand emojis. Do not send them the one where the Yellowhead is split open. Brain on fire mouth agape eyes hollow pits of shock. Number 12. When you get home from work, pour yourself a glass of Pinot Noir change out of your first day outfit into sweatpants and a moth eaten shirt. When your son a curly haired second grader asks you if you've made any new friends at your job, shrug and say maybe don't tell him how difficult adult relationships are as impossible to maintain as they are to forge. Don't tell him the truth. Number 13. After your kids are asleep, stare at yourself in the bathroom mirror. Say the things that you need to keep believing. I am talented. I am strong. I am capable. Envision walking into work tomorrow morning. And the next day and the day after that. Put your broken watch in your jewelry box and tell yourself it will all make sense in time. It has to.

Allison Langer  9:28  
Wow, okay, so when I heard this now versus when I read it. But prior to this, I heard it a little bit differently. 

Andrea Askowitz  9:37  
Yeah. Tell. 

Allison Langer  9:39  
And I wanted to ask you in terms of like yes, obviously the structure is unique to us and in general the situation in the story is so clear right now.

Andrea Askowitz  9:51  
What is it? 

Allison Langer  9:53  
Well, you've got this situation woman starting new job, but there's so much insecurity laced through it. I feel like that's what the story is about.

Andrea Askowitz  10:03  
And what about it? So right she is she shows us her angst. It's like yeah, all of it. She's and she even gave us like, I heard she gave us like this history like this dad mean dad history that I know that totally came out this time for me too. 

Allison Langer  10:18  
Yeah. 

Andrea Askowitz  10:18  
But what is she learning? And how is she changing? Like, in that way? Like, how would you describe the story? 

Allison Langer  10:23  
Yeah, I don't know, if there's a big change. I think she's got this job and she's showing us a pattern of insecurity and basically and everything like, it's getting ready for the job, being at the job heard her success at the job, her experience at the job. And she says she has it but she doesn't feel it. So I hate the word imposter syndrome, but that's what this whole thing feels like. She just doesn't know how she got here. She just doesn't know why you know, she's being lined up to take this guy's job. She feels dubious. Like the whole thing. Being South Asian, like, it's so much about every single line is almost about insecurity. 123456-

Andrea Askowitz  11:02  
I think I figure it out. It's about this is how I'm going to overcome my insecurity one day at a time.

Allison Langer  11:08  
I don't see it overcoming it. I think dealing with it. 

Andrea Askowitz  11:11  
Or maybe right, this is just how she's going to deal with it there. What was wasn't there a line in there about the future can only come one day at a time. 

Allison Langer  11:18  
Yeah. 

Andrea Askowitz  11:19  
So that's it. This is just like, step and oh, my God. And these are all the steps like step one, step two. Very cool. Yeah. 

Allison Langer  11:28  
It's super cool. Do you want to start at the top?

Andrea Askowitz  11:31  
Oh, go ahead. I'm just excited by the details. I was so into it.

Allison Langer  11:36  
We learned so much about this narrator through this process of her first day at work, and I thought we learned that she's insecure about her husband, like his comment to her his comment is more important than it should be. Like, she's got this career and she's like, is this what I'm going to do for the rest of my life like kind of attitude?

Andrea Askowitz  11:57  
I know, like, even even if she's there forever, she's not sure that's good. 

Allison Langer  12:01  
I know. And then she tells us her job VP of design, because I always want to know that. And then she feels like she's gonna throw up. She tells us her age 42, South Asian, the history of her position and how she got it and this and that. We know what she eats at lunch, a salad and later and arugula salad and then he this boss thinks she's better than she is. She's not sure she can live up to him. And then she talks about the dad thing. Oh, before that three decades, basically, her boss has been there so we get he's in a senior position. And then she's meant to replace him. When he retires, blah, blah, blah. And then we get her roaming around the office feeling insecure about that. Like I said before, she has the qualifications, but still is insecure. And then she's adapting to all these bosses because of what she went through with her dad. So we get a little bit about her life growing up, which I thought was so well thrown in there.

Andrea Askowitz  12:57  
All of this all of this uncomfortableness is familiar to her. 

Allison Langer  13:00  
Yes, yes, but we see all the support she has from her family and friends and like and then she's like, don't send them that emoji blow up with the head. So we know that's how she feels without her having to say this is how I feel so good. And then looking in the bathroom mirror and even the part about her son like she's kind of like down on making friends. And I don't know, it sounds like she's always felt like an outsider in some way, either in her success, or her color or her age. I mean, it's just yeah, it's very, very, very well done.

Andrea Askowitz  13:35  
I loved it. So I love it so much and I love her. I really I'm so excited by this story. It's so different. Every single thing that you mentioned, I was like, oh, like that's what I was doing. I was like, God the details are so clear. Wait, why did you underline why did you highlight do not send them the one with a "yellow head is split open brain on fire mouth agape eyes hollow pits of shock." 

Allison Langer  13:59  
Yeah. Because it was her emotions. Like without saying, like, I felt like this. She said, don't do this because, you know, I loved it the way she said it was so subtle. We see the next line that she just doesn't want to tell her kid the truth, like life is fucking hard, like work is hard. It's complicated. Just keep being positive. She doesn't want to yeah, doesn't want to a soil his brain or his thoughts on work and career and life and.

Andrea Askowitz  14:28  
So there's one thing I wanted to say, which was when the when the narrator was talking to the son. I thought that served as like, she just doesn't want to tell the son like how hard life is. That's what I thought when I heard that. The two other things I was thinking about. One is that this narrative has always been uncomfortable and that's so that gets back to like what you were saying the stories about like figuring out or just dealing with the uncomfort day by day, put them out about the watch I wanted to just mention the watch broken watch. So she puts on a broken watch and then at the very end, she makes this very subtle comment about time. Like this will all look at what did she say? "It will all make sense in time. It has to." And I just felt that that was very sad all I may think deliberate and just fricking awesome I loved it. 

Allison Langer  15:23  
Very, very subtle. I don't know if she meant to do that, but a watch isn't making sense because it's broken. So maybe she feels like a little bit she's broken watch a metaphor of that. I mean, it's not set up like that. It's just thrown in there. So I wouldn't say this essay is a metaphor, but it's that's a little nugget that she dropped it and then brought back up the end and you related to it, because you heard the watch and time so maybe it was deliberate. Maybe it wasn't.

Andrea Askowitz  15:56  
So that's what's so cool. Like maybe it was deliberate. Or maybe it was just like her artists brain working firm. But still, I think it's really artful but not like overly trying to be RP. I love this story. It's so good. It's so different. 

Allison Langer  16:15  
Yeah, super happy. Well, thank you for listening and thank you Sumitra Matthai. Writing Class Radio is hosted by me, Allison Langer.

Andrea Askowitz  16:32  
And me Andrea Askowitz.

Allison Langer  16:34  
Audio production is by Matt Cundill, Evans Surminsky, Chloe Emond-Land and Aidan Glassey at the Sound Off Media Company. Theme music is by Justina Shandler. Check out all the classes we offer on our website join the community that comes together for instruction, an excuse to write and the support from other writers. To learn more, either go to our website or join on patreon.com/writingclass radio. 

Andrea Askowitz  16:59  
A new episode will drop every other Wednesday. 

Allison Langer  17:02  
There's no better way to understand ourselves and each other than my writing and sharing our stories. Everyone has a story. What's yours? 

Tara Sands (Voiceover)  17:14  
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