176: Flying Home or Someplace Better

Allison Langer  0:15  
I'm Alison Langer. This is Writing Class Radio, you'll hear true personal stories and learn how to write your own stories. Together, we produce this podcast which is equal parts heart and art. By heart, we mean the truth in a story and by art, we mean the craft of writing. No matter what's going on in our lives, Writing Classis where we tell the truth. It's where we work out our shit. There's no place in the world like writing class, and we want to bring you in. 

Andrea Askowitz  0:41  
Shit. Today on our show. We bring you a story by Jennifer Byrne. Jennifer has been published in the New York Times tiny love stories, The Cut, Psychology Today, Good Housekeeping, Atlas Obscura McSweeney's Internet Tendency, oh, I like that one, that one's funny. The New Yorker Daily Shouts and The Guardian. She lives in New Jersey. Her story is a really excellent example of using a book and structure. So stay tuned to learn about what a book and structure is. Back with Jennifer Byrne's story after the break. 

Allison Langer  1:17  
We're back. This is Alison Langer and you're listening to Writing Class Radio. Up next is Jennifer Byrne reading her story 'The Window.'

Jennifer Byrne (Narrator)  1:36  
I heard it before I saw it: I’d had maybe one sip of coffee that morning before the panicked wing - flapping burst into earshot. Then there it was, like a fugitive from Game of Thrones – huge, sleek, and blue - black. It was terrified. So was I. The Crow was flapping around frenziedly against the closed window. It was in a strange place and desperately seeking to get out. My husband of 13 years had left a few months before, after a business trip t o Hawaii had coincided with a nuclear missile alarm from North Korea. He and his coworkers had received a text that read “ballistic missile inbound – this is not a drill.” They’d halted their ophthalmology conference and hunkered down, waiting to be obliterated by a nuclear bomb. It turned out to be a false alarm – but not for my marriage. D uring the 38 minutes it seemed ver y likely he was going to die, he never called or texted me to say goodbye. I was a child of the 1980s Cold War mania, and I knew a thing or two about impending Armageddon . At our slumber parties, while humming along to “99 Luftballoons” my friend and I had enjoyed concocting elaborate, highly fanciful plan s to make sure the two of us and our families were all together when the bomb inevitably hit. Maybe we didn’t fully grasp the horror and irrevocability of nuclear destruction, but we did understand one thing: When something like that goes down, you seek out the ones you love. I didn’t expect Dave to understand . “Here we go again, Jenny Drama . ” I ’d imagined him s ighing when I confronted hi m , invoking my least favorite nickname . The name had been cute at first, but at some point it calcified into the defining narrative of our marriage . I was the emotional , hypersensitive loose canno n. Dave was the rational one, pragmatic and exasperated by my need for reassurance. After a while, it became a sad little dance: my needy heart constantly grasping for his unyielding one; his retreat, my pursuit. It had grown exhausting for us both, and it left me wondering what I was chasing, and why. T he spell of infatuation had somehow convinced us that these differences were just the thing that would balance us out and make us whole. I’m not sure when our differences stopped being charming and started to become alienating . I’d only ever witnessed my parents’ marriage, which was a long, unhappy union that they’d stayed in “for the kids.” G rowing up in that battleground had deterred me from having kids of my own to stay tog ether for . But , e ven my happily married friends insisted that marriage was hard work, so when things went bad, I just assumed I needed to work harder.  Even after Dave’s near - death experience showed me how little I mattered to him, I persisted in fix - it mode. When I confronted him, I brought along a newly purchased copy of The Five Love Lan guages . But Dave, it seem ed , had come to the realization that marriage shouldn’t have to be that much work. “I think we should get a divorce,” he said, his eyes tearing as he stared blankly down at the self - help book that now seemed to mock my delusional hope. He packed a bag, washed the dishes, and left . I’ll never know whether Dave’s revelation was further i lluminated by the younger female coworker who was also present during th ose fateful 38 minutes , and who is now his fiancé. A ll I knew then was that I was alone. I n the days that followed, I shut down any suggestions that I sell the h ouse, despite its daunting mortgage and its seemingly never - ending need for repairs. “Sometimes unwanted change turns out to be the best change,” my therapist said. But I wasn’t ready for that wisdom. It seemed unfair, the idea of being uprooted from my comfortable life just because Dave wanted to leave . Happy or not, this was my home. Now there was a crow flying around in it. “Hey, buddy ,” I said, trying to sound calm. It flapped harder. “Hey, it’s OK.” I could feel my hands shaking as I inched toward t he window. As I got within reach of the crow, it started to beat against the glass even harder. I reached out to grab it , but instead of getting a firm hold on its body, I ended up grabbing one wing, which felt surprisingly bony and fragile. I let go so I didn’t break it. “Shit,” I said to the crow. “Now what?” The crow’s velvety black eyelids slid over its eyes in a slow, exhausted blink, as though trying to give me the answer I already knew. Eventually, I’d put the house up for sale. Not long after that, I’d fall in love with a man whose first reaction to just about anything – a near - death experience, a piece of good news, a silly cat video, or a beautiful song - would be to share it with me. B ut right then I had to try again. “It’s going to be okay,” I repeate d. The crow fluttered a bit as I walked toward her and then, stopped. It stood on the windowsill like a statue and remained there even as I got closer. I slowly picked it up around the che st and belly, avoiding the wings. My instinct was to get this crow out of my life as quickly as possible , but I couldn’t help but look into its brown eyes. I n that moment, I felt an unusual sense of clarity and calm. I ’ve read that a crow’s eye color changes as it grows, starting out bright blue and turning brown with maturity. I managed somehow to open the front door without dropping the bird, and as soon as we stepped outside , she launched herself into the air. Within a few seconds she was gone from my view – bound for hom e, or someplace better.

Andrea Askowitz  7:32  
Oh my god, I got chills that the last line bound for home or someplace better.

Allison Langer  8:07  
Yeah, I am. I love the structure of this essay so much. It is so easy to follow. She the narrator guides us from the very beginning. And I was drawn in the entire time.

Andrea Askowitz  8:26  
This is a book ends structure and it works so well. 

Allison Langer  8:32  
You want to describe that a little bit? 

Andrea Askowitz  8:34  
Well, it starts and ends this in this case with the crow. And what she did so well is like so she has a crow problem in her house and then she steps out and tells us the whole not whole but she tells us the problem in her marriage. And then this is so this line was like the best ever. She's talking about how it's not fair that she should have to leave her house. I mean, she wasn't happy there, but it was her home. That and she writes this was my home. Now there was a crow flying in it. So she does so seamlessly brings back the crow. 

Allison Langer  9:14  
Yeah. 

Andrea Askowitz  9:15  
Amazing. That was good. It wasn't like I was like, Wait, what happened to the crow? But when the crow came back, I was like, oh my god, she still has to deal with the crow.

Allison Langer  9:25  
Yeah, yeah. Okay, so let's talk about the back end. So first of all, we get the problem at the top with the crow and then immediately it parallels the problem in her marriage right? So there's this problem and she shows us like, ah, this is going on and now and this is also going on so we get like, he never texted her to say goodbye. So there's a situation the crow. I feel like but there's a real story here about this narrator trying to find her way after divorce leaving the past in the past and moving forward to a new and better life. That's how I see it. Did you see it that way too? 

Andrea Askowitz  10:05  
Yeah. She's the crow. 

Allison Langer  10:07  
Yes. 

Andrea Askowitz  10:08  
Flying home or to a better? What's that last line again? My favorite line ever, oh my god 'bound for home or someplace better' because she's leaving her home. 

Allison Langer  10:17  
Yeah. 

Andrea Askowitz  10:18  
And hopefully she's bound for some place better.

Allison Langer  10:21  
So he never texted her to say goodbye, but before we get to that, how did you feel about frenziedly? I saw you kind of like tweak. Did that word tweak you?

Andrea Askowitz  10:32  
Did I tweak? 

Allison Langer  10:32  
You tweaked. 

Andrea Askowitz  10:34  
Well, maybe because I couldn't quite hear it.

Allison Langer  10:36  
Oh, okay. We always say something about adverbs and this and that, but I just thought it was flapping around against the closed window would have worked. I know you and I tend to argue about this. But I'd love to hear narrator's like, words, extra words sometimes because it gives me a tiny yeah, gives me a tiny glimpse into their personality. Maybe it's a writerly personality. Maybe it's just their personality like she would say to her friends he was friendly all over the place, like making up words and stuff. Maybe that's a word, but it feels like a made up word you know?

Andrea Askowitz  11:06  
Yeah. Right. Okay. I do think that if I tweaked it was only because I was like, ah, what's that?

Allison Langer  11:12  
What did I say yesterday? I made up a word yesterday. Now I can't remember in first draft. 

Andrea Askowitz  11:18  
You did? 

Allison Langer  11:19  
Yeah. 

Andrea Askowitz  11:19  
And it wasn't good. 

Allison Langer  11:21  
I took like a I don't know, shit. 

Andrea Askowitz  11:25  
Damn, it would have been fun. 

Allison Langer  11:26  
I know what did I say?

Andrea Askowitz  11:29  
Gotta write down all your brilliant moments so you pull them up later.

Allison Langer  11:34  
I know. Damn. I don't know. Sometimes they just hit me. And then they leave just as fast as they come. Anyway. Okay, so where was I? Okay, so then we get a little bit of backstory into their marriage. So she says like, this guy didn't text her to say goodbye, then- 

Andrea Askowitz  11:51  
Wait I don't rush over that line because it was a false alarm, but not for my marriage. 

Allison Langer  11:58  
Yeah, God that's good. 

Andrea Askowitz  12:00  
Right, that's so good. And then he never called that lever called to say goodbye line. Like, I felt so crushed. I felt so sad.

Allison Langer  12:10  
I mean, what an indication. Like, I started thinking, I remember when I first read this, I was like, Yeah, you just you're trying to reach out to the people you love immediately just to tell them I love you. I love you. I love you. And that somebody doesn't do that. It's that's that's a lot. That's crushing. 

Andrea Askowitz  12:26  
I wanted to I want to ask you about that next paragraph when she was a child of the 1980s. 

Allison Langer  12:32  
So I liked it, because I liked getting a little bit of backstory and why that meant so much to her. You know, like, okay, so she was a child of the 80s Cold War mania. I love the 99 left balloons, were you singing it? 99. Okay, but it's just like when we grew up way back when, like, there were no major events, like what happens, what's happened in the last 25-30 years, you know, this anger, this fighting. It wasn't like that. It seemed or maybe it was and we didn't know it, because we didn't have 24/7 TV and all that stuff. I don't know, it just seemed different. Maybe I was just stupid, and still am, but this, she developed an understanding. And she gives us backstory and how she developed it, that when something bad goes down, you seek out the ones you love.

Andrea Askowitz  13:25  
So I didn't think she needed it, but I also thought, because I do think that we have seen like in the media or we know that like when your planes going down. You call your loved ones and say I love you like I think that's just kind of in the zeitgeist. But I also think it wasn't detracting. So like sometimes you don't need something in a story, but it doesn't distract from the reader either. And I thought it really did add like a really sweet moment between her and her friend.

Allison Langer  13:57  
Yeah, that was sweet. But I did like it. 

Andrea Askowitz  14:00  
You thought it was necessary? 

Allison Langer  14:02  
Well, no, I don't think it is necessary. We're always like, Well, how did she come up with that? Is there a backstory to that? Like, did something happen to her parents? I don't know. Like, why not? Why not here a tiny bit more depth into this narrator. Okay, well, that's why I liked it, but then here we go again, Jenny drama. I just wanted to punch this guy. I really didn't like him when I heard that. And so yeah, that was a really good telling example of what was going on.

Andrea Askowitz  14:32  
She really showed like the dance of her marriage, but dance is like the dynamic of her marriage. She showed it really well. She described it well.

Allison Langer  14:43  
But I felt sad for her too, because she you know, I feel like I've been there like somebody's pragmatic but you're needy. That's how they see you just because they're not giving you what you need. Like they're not in tune. So if you ask for something, then all of a sudden you're needy and I tell you that that's that's like a common thing. A thing that people say about people who want more love, I want to say women, but that's what it's always felt like. So we have to retrain ourselves to ask for what we need. And the right people will be responsive. 

Andrea Askowitz  15:15  
They were just not well matched, but I agree with you. Yeah, I wanted to bop him to, but he just wasn't. Maybe he just wasn't in love with her?

Allison Langer  15:28  
Well, we don't know. But then we get a little bit of insight into the fact that the co worker has become his fiancee, and she was also there during that time. So we know something happened. 

Andrea Askowitz  15:37  
So and also, we know that this narrator found someone who doesn't think she's needy, who doesn't view her in that way. I'm so happy for her.

Allison Langer  15:48  
I know, I know. Okay, so wait, let me go back to the structure just a tiny bit. So after she gives us backstory into why she wants the way she felt bad about him not calling her then we get the backstory into the marriage, right and then she ends with the house, like you said, and right back to the crow. So we get back to the issue at hand, which was just amazing. And then right to the real purpose of like, what's going on in the story? And so that's I just thought that structure was God done well, really, really, really, really well. And then she used like good words from her therapist. Sometimes unwanted change turns out to be the best change. So she can tell us which how she was feeling through the voice of her therapist, and she wasn't ready for that wisdom. Happy or not. This was my home now there was a crow flying around it was just love it. She tried to get them out. You know now what she's asking the crow for advice. I love it.

Andrea Askowitz  16:47  
I'm pretty impressed with her for capturing that crow. Like God. Have you ever had a bird in your house? 

Allison Langer  16:55  
No. 

Andrea Askowitz  16:56  
Oh, I have. 

Allison Langer  16:56  
Not lately. 

Andrea Askowitz  16:58  
I'm not cool. When that happens. Okay, freak out. 

Allison Langer  17:03  
How are you with a roach? 

Andrea Askowitz  17:05  
Fine. roaches are tiny. I can handle a roach.

Allison Langer  17:10  
Okay, so you come over to my house when there's a roach and I'll come to your house when there was a bird. I think I can handle the bird. I don't like roaches. I don't even want to tell you. Okay, stop, we're getting we're getting off track. 

Andrea Askowitz  17:20  
Okay. 

Allison Langer  17:20  
We're getting off track. But anyway, I just wanted the very last line like the two last lines. I felt an unusual sense of clarity and calm when she looked at you know, she says that when she looked into the crow's eyes, and I just thought that was really sweet. And then yeah, and then it was gone and bound for home or someplace better. That last line we talked about, like endings a lot and this this narrator nailed it.

Andrea Askowitz  17:41  
Yeah, it's a ten and she's throwing her arms up and she nails the landing and she looks at the judges with her arms up. 10, 10, 10.

Allison Langer  17:52  
I was a gymnast. It was like this. 

Andrea Askowitz  17:54  
I'm doing it wrong.

Allison Langer  17:55  
You have to like, put the arms out. Shoot. You can't see yes, but we're both doing trying to be gymnasts. Allison has better posture. Okay. So good.

Thank you for listening and thank you Jennifer Byrne for sharing your story.

Andrea Askowitz  18:21  
Writing Class Radio is hosted by me Andrea Askowitz.  

Allison Langer  18:24  
And me Alison Langer. 

Andrea Askowitz  18:26  
Audio production by Matt Cundill, Evans Surminsky, Chloe Emond-Lane and Aidan Glassey at the Sound Off Media Company. Theme music is by Justina Shandler. There's more Writing Class on our website, including stories we study editing resources, video classes, writing retreats and live online classes. You know, our website really is a cornucopia of writing. Great stuff. Join our writing community by following us on Patreon. If you want to write with us every week, or if you're a business owner, community activist group that needs healing, or an entrepreneur and you want to help your team write better. Check out all of the classes we offer on our website, writingclassradio.com. Join the community that comes together for instruction and excuse to write and the support from other writers. To learn more, go to our website or patreon.com/writing class radio. A new episode will drop every other Wednesday.

Allison Langer  19:31  
There's no better way to understand ourselves and each other than by writing and sharing our stories. Everyone has a story, what's yours? 

Tara Sands (Voiceover)  19:44  
Produced and distributed by the Sound Off Media Company.