181: What Do I Do if I Have Nothing Left to Write About?

Intro  0:00  
I want to be a Plan B, top choice the top three. (Intro)

Andrea Askowitz  0:15  
Im Andrea Askowitz 

Allison Langer  0:16  
I'm Alison Langer. And this is Writing Class Radio. You'll hear true personal stories and learn how to write your own stories. Together, we produce this podcast which is equal parts heart and art. By heart, we mean the truth in a story. And by art, we mean the craft of writing, no matter what's going on in our lives. Writing class is where we tell the truth. It's where we work out our shit. There's no place in the world like writing class, and we want to bring you in.

Andrea Askowitz  0:42  
Today on our show, we bring you a story by our very own Alison Langer. You may have read her story and Huffington Post where it was published, May 16 2023. In this episode, we want to debunk the idea that writing about the same thing over and over is boring. I want to say that it's absolutely essential to keep writing and keep writing until you work out your shit. And you will hear that that's what Allison did in her story. After the break. We're back. Here's Alison reading her story. My mom and I fought for 55 years now battling my son is making me rethink everything.

Allison Langer  1:27  
When my mom remarried, she pulled me into her closet and handed me a long flowy dress and silver flats. I was 30 I wanted to wear my navy dress and high heels. I said I have an outfit. She said, It's my wedding. Can't you for once do what I asked. For 55 years my mom and I have been at each other constantly poking the soft spots and picking at scabs, she judged and gave unsolicited advice. I sassed and spoke my mind, often hurting her feelings. I wanted a mom who I could trust with my secrets instead of one who chided me when I came home drunk then ratted me out to her manicurist. I wanted a mom who remembered my friends names and invited me on girls trips. Most of all, I wanted a mom who loved me no matter what. Looking back, I can see I wasn't the easiest kid to love. I was cruel. I'd like to say it was a 13 year old thing me trying to find my way beneath the awkwardness and self doubt of adolescence. But my behavior was consistently horrible, well beyond the teenage years. Once again, my mom said you've left your dirty pot in the sink. I rolled my eyes and walked to my room with a full plate. If you keep eating macaroni and cheese, she said you're gonna get fat. I said mind your own business. I'm your mother. You are my business. I hate you. I screamed and slammed my bedroom door. She screamed back. I hope you have a kid just like you. This was the way we communicated. Change the subject from food to grades to friends to attitude. Nothing I did was good enough for my mom. At 24 My mom and dad divorced. One day my mom invited me to lunch. She said she wanted to talk. As my mom got out of the car. She said hey, don't you love my new shoes? I said they looked geriatric. I didn't care if I hurt her feelings. They weren't geriatric. At the table. She started in about my dad. When I put up my hand. She said Why won't you listen to my side? I felt like a trader at the mention of my dad. He was the parent I felt loved me unconditionally. Like I thought a parent should. I stood up and smacked my palms down on the table. I told you I didn't want to talk about this. And I stormed out of the restaurant. After that we didn't speak for six months. At 36 When I had my first baby I asked my mom not to come. Two pregnancies later we were in between fights. So I throughout the olive branch in my hospital bed. I read the newspaper as I waited for the baby to do his thing. The doctor appeared when I was fully dilated. My mom sat between my legs. When I asked for privacy she said I didn't come all this way to miss anything. Sloane The last one, the one my mom watched emerge from my body is 13 now he rolls his eyes when I speak lies to my face. And is mean like I was. I'm short tempered and angry around him. I criticize his eating habits and judge his friends. Last week I received yet another call from two of his teachers complaining about his behavior. When I confronted him he stormed out of the kitchen and slammed his bedroom door. Before I could shut myself up. I yelled I hope you have a kid just like you. I don't need to wonder what I did. deserve this child I know he is just like me. Call it karma or call it genetics. According to a recent psych evaluation, my kid is struggling with real challenges ADHD and ODD. Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder I'd heard of, but Oppositional Defiance Disorder was new to me. According to John Hopkins children with ODD or uncooperative, defiant and hostile towards peers, parents, teachers, and other authority figures. Before Sloan's diagnosis, I researched wilderness programs and military schools, I wanted him out. It may sound evil for mom to say such a thing about her child. But a child with ODD is disruptive to the entire family. The house is tense, one sideways glance sets off a tantrum. What's left is the ugly side, the screaming impatient. I can't take this anymore side. Research also suggests that genetics accounts for about 50% in the development of ODD. Shit did I have ODD too? If so, I wonder if a diagnosis and therapy would have helped my mom and me all those years ago, maybe we wouldn't have faught so much. Maybe we would have understand what the other was going through. But we didn't have those tools. Sloan's diagnosis dissolve some of the resentment and anger I feel toward him but I'm bruised. Being his punching bag for 13 years has broken me being a punching bag for 55 years broke my mom too. Now I see she did the best she could with the child she was given. I feel hopeful that with a good therapist to help us learn and I may learn how to communicate more effectively and Sloane may learn the tools to navigate life without losing his patience or pissing people off. So I read this essay to Sloane, we were both in tears. He said, Okay, I'll go to therapy with you. But can we talk about this now? He reminded me of all the mother's days he woke up early to cut fresh flowers.

He really did that he woke up. He wakes up every Mother's Day, okay to cut fresh flowers and make coffee. So I would feel special. He said Blake and Jackson don't do that. And I was seeing only the bad stuff. And he was right. I promise to do better. I said I love you like crazy. Me too. He said when I read the essay to my mom, she said I've always loved you ally even when you are nasty. Oh, yeah. What I've started to understand is that maybe loving your kid unconditionally doesn't mean you take the hits and love anyway. Maybe it means you protect yourself believe the doors slightly open for your kid to walk through when you're both ready and able. I think my mom always had an open door for me, but I was too angry and wounded to walk through it. I knew I wasn't the child she'd hoped for but I wanted to be loved for who I was. I imagined she wanted the same. What I've learned is that I wasted valuable years and for what the reasons feel petty and pointless now, for 55 years I focused on my mom's bad side. We all have one. Parenting a child just like me, has forced me to focus on his good side it has allowed me to understand my mom and to forgive her and myself. The time is running out. My mom has ameotropic lateral sclerosis, ALS, Lou Gehrig's disease. ALS is a neurological disease that affects the nerve cells in the brain and spinal cord. It mangles your body until you can't even swallow. Three to five years is the typical survival rate. And ALS is always fatal. It's been three years since my mom was diagnosed, she just turned 80. Before the diagnosis my mom was often mistaken for my sister. Her zip intellect and naturally flawless skin hit her age. The oil painting she expertly created with her now crooked and weak fingers line the walls of her house. Her clients houses my brother's house and mine. Every time I visit, she's less and less mobile. She can't open a jar. She cannot pull up her exercise tights. So now she wears loose pants. Her arms and legs are twigs and she has shrunk from a solid five four to under five feet. She needs help walking up the stairs to her house. I know what's coming and there's nothing I can do but sit with her watch the Cardinals take turns at the feeder and wait for the family of deer who comes twice a day for the corn. Her husband spreads outside their kitchen window. I can show her she matters to me now and how much I love her. On my most recent visit I was complaining about Sloane and she gave me advice like she always does. She said therapy and patients who come around. I listened to knowing she might just know what she's talking about. Maybe it made her feel good to know I'm going through the same hell she went through. But I don't think so. She looked at me with compassion, not satisfaction, and I started to cry. I'm sorry if she said you'll get through this. I said, I'm sorry for being such a tough kid. On the way out to lunch, she looked at my frilly skirt, white t shirt and grey cashmere sweater. Then she looked down at my white sneakers. Would you like to borrow some shoes? I didn't make a mean comment about her flats. She didn't insist I follow her into her closet and hold me hostage until I acquiesced. No. This time I laughed. Thanks, mom, I'm good. A few seconds passed. As we stared at each other. There was a softness in her eyes. For the first time in my life, I wanted to push the pause button on my relationship with my mom. I wanted to slow down and enjoy her. I smiled, and she smiled. And then we turned to go. And that was that.

Oh my god, I'm so emotional, because it's like a year later. And it's so much worse. With her, obviously, so much better was Sloane. But yeah, it's brutal. 

Andrea Askowitz  11:38  
It's such a beautiful story. Oh, my God, I teared up a bunch of times. I fucking love it. I mean, it's it's like this is a hard story for me to just talk about as a story. Because I mean, we've been friends since Sloane was seven months old. So I've watched this whole process. And I've watched. Also, I've watched you write stories about this. But this time, this is true. It's so true. Like I know that Sloane, you and Sloan are in a different place. Now. I know that you and your mom are in a different place now. Which is an interest. So interesting to see. Because I don't know, I feel like you've always written true stories you always do. And I don't I don't know. I feel like there may have been a story like this a few years ago, where the hope for this kind of connection and understanding of you being the child and now you being the mother to the same child that is like you, but this time. It's you nailed it. 

Allison Langer  12:50  
Thank you. 

Andrea Askowitz  12:51  
I mean, God. 

Allison Langer  12:53  
It's interesting that you say, though, that I've written about it, because I think we have a lot of students in our classes that often say they're writing about the same thing. And even last night, when we were all out at your show, you know, with Sue Shapiro and the whole thing in the book publishing, and we were at books and books, and well, I'm saying it just because you know, obviously with our listeners, don't we, a bunch of our students showed up to listen and be there with us. And they were like, I don't have anything to write about, you know, because I was like, come back to class. And I'm so boring. And I was, you know, I think sometimes we think we're boring. And we think we're writing about the same thing. But I think Danny Shapiro said this, you write about what you know, in the moment, and then it might change. And it might come out as a different story with a different meaning. So I do think that that's probably what happened here. 

Andrea Askowitz  13:42  
That and there's been this situation that you've needed to work out. So it's, it's like something has been like nagging at you bad for all these years. Obviously, like your relationship with your mom and your relationship with Sloane. One thing that I love so much about your writing, because it's totally an example of why writing is therapy. I know this is a controversial thing to say. But when and I learned this the other day from Steve Almond. Basically, he says and what you're doing is you're writing until you have full compassion for every character in the story, including you the narrator and so you have come to that I am so proud of you. I don't know how condescending I am. I love it. I feel like you've done that you've been writing and writing this thing until you got to this total compassionate moment. You're hard on yourself, but you're I think you also understand your view the narrator 

Allison Langer  14:55  
Yeah. 

Andrea Askowitz  14:56  
God 

Allison Langer  14:57  
You know, now that we're talking about it, I mean, Sloane basically, like shortly after this was published, things started to turn around a little bit. And I think it might have had something to do with us sitting and talking about it, and really discussing it, and putting it out on paper and him seeing it and him being able to tell me how he feels, you know, and my mom to like, you know, she's a little bit less willing to change, especially at this time, and with her disease and everything. I think just putting it out there on the open is super helpful for our relationship.

Andrea Askowitz  15:32  
The scene in this story where you read this essay to him, I'm just imagining he just sitting there and listening cannot be easy. He's totally open. He says, Yes, I'll go to therapy with you. But can we just talk about this? And then he reminds you of the beautiful parts of him. And that was just one of the things. I mean, he makes you coffee and brings you flowers, but he makes you dinner all the time. I mean, he's different than your other kids. He is nurturing. 

Allison Langer  16:04  
Yeah,

Andrea Askowitz  16:05  
He is the one that's like, love, love pouring out. So God, that moment was so beautiful.

Allison Langer  16:13  
And I just want to shout out to him because he turned his whole life around, he got on a, you know, started eating differently exercising, you know, cut the sugar, like, just really tried to do really good things for his brain and his body. And then the ODD I have not seen in a year. The ADHD. Yeah, I mean, he's still would rather be doing anything other than his work. But he's making all A's and B's, the kid was making D's and F's. I just think that it's a testament to our children, that they're stronger than we think. But also, if we can just stick it out. You know, if I had known that he would turn it around. Maybe I could have gotten through it. But we never know.

Andrea Askowitz  16:52  
 I think it's a testament to you and to writing. I think it's you for pushing and pushing and for asking yourself What the fuck is going on? Which is what every essay is? Why is this happening? Why am I acting this way? Where did this come from? Is it because of my mom? Is it because of my relationship with my mom? Am I the same? I mean, that whole? Like, I hope you have a kid exactly like you like. I mean, you've been asking that question about is he that kid? And? Yeah, so you kept asking? I don't know. Um, I think it's you. I love this narrator? I mean, should I even go through it? Or is it just is that the lesson here? The lesson is like, it's okay to keep writing the same thing. Because there's obviously something we need to work out.

Allison Langer  17:37  
Yeah, I think that's a good lesson. 

Andrea Askowitz  17:39  
And even if you've written some of these little pieces, like I've heard some of this, some of these in old essays. And I want to say that to our listener, some people are like, very self conscious about using a scene that they've already written. That's your material. The moment where your mom wants you to change your shoes or wants you to wear the outfit she wants you to wear for her wedding, like I yeah, that's come up in other stories, because it's a really great example of your mom trying to make you someone you're not. Or that's a great example of your mom being pushy. And that's a great example of you pushing back. So that's why you use it. So it's okay, you can use the same material. And like Danny Shapiro says, you're using that material in a different way now, because you're standing in a different place in time. Fucking gorgeous.

Allison Langer  18:29  
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. We have to say that it's also published in the Huffington Post, and Noah, Michaels Michelson

Andrea Askowitz  18:38  
It might be Mickelson, Noah from the Huffington Post is the most amazing editor that we love him.

Allison Langer  18:45  
And they actually did like a series of this. So like, they had me do videos that to put on their Instagram of me telling like a summary of this stuff like half and half. So that was kind of fun, because I guess it got a lot of hits. But it's funny because I did run into a lot of friends and people who called me or like, ran into me and said, Oh, my God, I have a kid just like that. This really helped. Like, everybody wanted to help. Everyone wanted to tell me I was gonna get through it that their kids are awesome. Now. Like, it's amazing that putting your story out there just brings the community toward you, which is really cool. 

Andrea Askowitz  19:17  
And didn't people come to you on both levels? Like one because you're the mom of this son, and also the mom, your mom, your mom isn't well right now, so didn't a ton of people come to you and be like, Oh my god, I'm in that situation, too. Yes. There's something I noticed. I did underline everything and have tons of exclamation points. That you keep the door open that really hit me doesn't mean you take the hits. But you just keep the door open and then your mom might have had the door open. Ah. I love how you understand your mom.

Thank you so much, Allison Langer for telling the story. And thank you, Noah Mickelson for publishing in the Huffington Post and thank you for listening.

Allison Langer  20:07  
Writing class radio is hosted by me Alison Langer and me Andrea Moskowitz audio production by Matt Cundill. Evan Surminski and Aidan, Glassy at the Sound Off Media Company. The music is by Justina Shambler. There's more writing class on our website, including stories we study editing resources, video classes, writing retreats, and live online classes. If you want to write with us every week, or if you're a business owner, community activist group that needs healing entrepreneur and you want to help your team write better. Check out all the classes we offer on our website, writingclassradio.com. Join the community that comes together for instruction and excuse to write and the support from other writers. To learn more, go to our website or patreon.com/writingclassradio, a new episode will drop every other Wednesday.

Andrea Askowitz  20:58  
There is no better way to understand ourselves and each other than writing and sharing our stories. Everyone has a story. What's yours? 

Tara Sands (Voiceover)  21:09  
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