186: Something Beautiful Happened When I Shared My Writing with My Family

Justina Shandler  0:00  
You want to be a plan B? Choice the top three. So

Allison Langer  0:14  
I'm Alison Langer.

Andrea Askowitz  0:16  
I'm Andrea Askowitz. And this is writing class radio, you'll tear true personal stories and learn how to write your own stories. Together, we produce this podcast which is equal parts, heart and art. By heart, we mean the truth in a story. By art, we mean the craft of writing, no matter what's going on in our lives. Writing class is where we tell the truth. It's where we work out our shit. There's no place in the world like writing class. And we want to bring you in.

Allison Langer  0:46  
Today on our show, we're bringing you a story by Janet Funk. Janet writes with us in first draft second draft, she's awesome. I don't know in this episode, we're going to share a story she wrote in first draft recently, in this essay, Janet writes about her experience sharing an essay she wrote with her family prior to submitting that essay to Business Insider, so she wanted to submit. But she said, I'm going to check with my family first. So she, that's what this essay is about the process. This essay is about another essay, shared with a family about her family, right? The one that got picked up by Business Insider, is about this horrible Fourth of July family reunion when her brother Robbie drowned, as you would imagine something that was a little bit scary to share with her family because they're all in it. So we're going to discuss that age old memoir question, how do we write about our family, especially when our stories are getting published? You're telling a story, but somebody else may have another story. The

Andrea Askowitz  1:55  
prompt that I gave in first draft when I was sitting in for you was something beautiful.

Allison Langer  1:59  
Oh, that's good. Like, that's what came out when something beautiful came out. Like that's what she wrote about this beautiful reconnection with her family, I think.

Andrea Askowitz  2:08  
And her story that we're going to hear after the break is called something beautiful happened when I shared my writing with my family. We're back. I'm Andrea Ascott. And you're listening to writing class radio. Here's Janet funk. Reading her story. Something beautiful happened when I shared my writing with my family.

Janet Funk  2:35  
Something beautiful happened when I shared an essay I hope to get published. The essay is about my family on the day one of my brother's round. Before I hit the submit button. I pasted the essay into an email and send it to everybody with this note. I'm sure all of you who were there have your own version of what happened. And I want to hear your story. Even though Robbie drum 34 years ago when he was 25. Everyone has a clear recollection of the day. We have different memories that transport us back to the lake, the light of the summer sun, the sound of helicopters, fireworks. Whenever someone mentions the Fourth of July, I'm taken aback to that day. I was 21 years old. The first response to my email came quickly from my sister who loved it and gave me an idea for another place to submit it. The next reply was from my mother. Her honesty was so unexpected. She wrote this tore my heart and soul into little pieces. Had myself a good long cry. I'm glad you're writing the essay. I'm happy to help. Reading her response made me cry. No one in my family has ever sat down and talked about the tragedy. We tiptoe around the subject worried about upsetting each other. But sending this essay out has cracked something open. For the first time I'm hearing how my mom and siblings actually felt what they went through what continues to haunt them how they remember Robbie. sharing the story prompted a phone call with my mom, who told me more about the day and how angry she was at my dad. My brother Dave shared what it was like when he went into the water trying to save Robbie, how he was pinned under by the strong current. He admitted it was difficult to write about the accident. He wrote me a detailed recounting of it, but mentioned his Irish ability to lock things in a vault where he keeps memories of that day. My brother Paul told me what it was like to have to identify Robbie's body, confirming it by pointing to a scar on his abdomen. I learned so much about my brothers in these emails, conversations too hard to have in person. I wrote the first draft of this essay in a creative writing class in 1995. I haven't shared my writing with my family until now. 2024 I'm 55 years old and something beautiful happened when I did I feel closer to them after sharing our experiences, our shared trauma. There's so much more I want to write about my family. And I believe this essay will make it easier to do to get their consent. I've always wanted more from my family in terms of connection and support, I wanted to want to spend time with them. Because I wasn't connected to my family, because they were unable to give me the kind of relationship I wanted. I moved to the other side of the country in my 20s, and took myself out of the family fray, I wanted to do my own thing and dip back into family obligations when I chose to. As we all get older, I want to reinsert myself into the family. Again, I want to show up in a way I haven't been able to as an adult, I want to go to family functions and spend more time with them. I want to truly know my family. I want them to know me.

Allison Langer  5:53  
Okay, so I was actually, you know, she Janet brought this her original essay to a second draft. And I think she's started it maybe in first draft, although it shows that she says that she started this ages ago. So it's probably something she's written about for all these years, every time just trying to get it out. And each time it comes out, and it's so beautiful. Finally, like that last version, I was like, you have to submit this. It's very important. It's timely. Just do it. And I know that she was a little nervous. But with a couple of, you know, push push from the class from me, from everybody to confirm, like the writing is amazing. The story is so compelling. And it's it's really beautiful. She said, Okay, I'm gonna send it. Apparently this happened. She wrote this in first draft this week, right? I was Yep. I was not around you were selling in? Yes. You called me and said, You have to hear what Janet wrote. I was like, amazing. I can't believe it. And it's because and that was this. That's what we just heard. Yeah, just blown away that it came out of her head like this, and just the emotion and sharing and because also, I have also shared and had such an incredible experience after sharing something that was very tense. So I'm just amazed at how it came out. And so happy that we could share it

Andrea Askowitz  7:17  
with all of our but I also want to say that Business Insider said yes to her original essay. Yeah. It's not out yet. Or it might be out by the time this comes out. I'm not sure when it's coming out. But as of our recording, the Business Insider hasn't published her piece yet, but she was successful. And then she wrote this about it. I love this story. Because it's like, so many people ask me like, how do I write about people in my family? How do I then publish something I've written about people in my family? And this narrator just like, she tackles that question. By sending the story she wrote about her family to her family. And my god, the response was not what she expected. It was so much better than she expected. Everyone's opening up. It was like everybody since 1995. Like fucking needed to write and talk. And she's like, the hero of her family. It feels like

Allison Langer  8:19  
Well, let me tell you, let me tell you, I asked her. I said, Why did you share it with them? Did? Were you asked by the editor, because I know like Noah Mickelson over at Huffington Post says, Have you discussed this with the people in the story? And I've had to call my people and be like, Mom, are you okay? If I mentioned your ALS? I had to talk to my son Sloane. Are you okay? If I write about you? And what ended up happening was there was a connection that develop there was an understanding, and I got to hear their side, because everybody has a side, right? So I asked her, like, why do you share the essay. And this is what she said, I sent it to them, because I respect them. I wanted to give them a chance to see it and process it before it was out in public. I wouldn't want to be surprised by an article about our shared trauma. I wanted to talk to him about it for years. But the timing never felt right. There is still so much discomfort in talking about it. She said I invited them to tell me their story of the day in the email with a plan to write a longer piece. And I just get the chills.

Andrea Askowitz  9:18  
I get the chills, too. I have had this like, this is like sort of my take. She made it so much. So much more beautiful. Like I've always thought I have my story you have yours. But the way that she said I'm sure you have your own version, I want to hear your version. It was an invitation. I mean, that was so beautiful. I have my version. I want to know what your version is. I don't know I don't there's like a subtle difference between the way she asked it and the way I've always thought about like, well, if you have your own story, you tell your story or like, you know, Anne Lamott says, if people in your life didn't want you write bad things about them. They should have behaved better. Like, it's like it's funny, but it's like assholey. But Janet funk is like, no, not assholey at all. She's like, I have my story. But I really want to know what your story is, too. And I thought that was the most beautiful way to start this essay. And to ask her family to talk about it with her.

Allison Langer  10:23  
And it just shows also like, what a beautiful person she is like, she she's gentle, she's loving. She loves her family. But there's this thing that happened that disconnected everybody, because everyone had to find a way to cope. Yeah, that often pulls people apart. I don't

Andrea Askowitz  10:43  
know the original story, and I can't wait to read it and Business Insider. But I feel like I learned so much about what this family went through. Like, we know that her brother drowned. We know that from the very beginning. And then we know it's 34 years ago. And then we know that like Dave, one of her brothers tried to save him. Oh, she gave us this amazing insight into what her family is like, because Dave said that he has this Irish ability to lock things into a vault. Well, I'm guessing they all do. And then the other brother had to ID the body. Oh, God. And then the mother was mad at the dad. And then the mother like cried, and then the narrator cried like, Oh my God. Yeah. And then she says that she wrote the original in 1995. So we know, we know from this story that she's been going over it and baring it and wanting to discuss it and wanting to get it out there for so many years. Yeah. The other thing that I thought, I hear it now, she says that she left in her 20s When she because she wanted to, she wanted to want I love how she said this, I wanted to want to be around them. i But she didn't feel connected to them. And then so she left. But now that she's getting older, she says she wants to show up for them. Well, she was

Allison Langer  12:10  
only like, I don't know, she was in her last year of college. So whatever age that is, when this happened, and she did go back to college. Yeah, she went back to college. And she said that was really hard. But it gave her the ability to separate from the pain a little bit like watching parents go through this and families fall apart is and so probably that began her coping skills around that and everyone's coping skills around that. But she didn't, there was a disconnect once you're out of the house. It's like you're now you're on your own. And then she got married and had her own family and stuff like that. So it's amazing how fast all those years go. And before you know it, yeah,

Andrea Askowitz  12:52  
I remember 1995 That was last week. Well, I hate like, being inspiring or whatever are talking about inspiration. I don't know why. But this story does inspire me. And I hope it inspires other writers who are afraid. Because sometimes, same like what you just said before, like when you shared your story with your mom, and when you shared your story with your son. I mean, whenever I share my stories with my kids or my wife like Yeah, even if I'm not saying the nicest things about them, like it connects us. I know that's not always true for people. But maybe it is more than we know it. And that's what Janet funk is showing us

Allison Langer  13:37  
each time that's happened to me. Somebody said, Well, I'd like to tell you my side. And we must have this ability or disability of understanding any perspective other than our own. And then we start telling us ourselves, these stories that are not the whole truth. So this ability to hear somebody's story after being vulnerable with them, about your own side of the story is an in like an incredibly powerful way of reconnection and growth. So it's not something to be missed.

Andrea Askowitz  14:12  
It's like we forget this and then this is the whole reason that we love storytelling. So it brings people together because you you kind of can't dislike someone if you really know their story, or if you're really open to hearing it. Yeah,

Allison Langer  14:26  
well, we all want the same things. Love Peace money.

Andrea Askowitz  14:32  
had to throw that chocolate. Oh,

Allison Langer  14:35  
yeah. Anyway, Janet funk lives in Portland, Oregon with her husband, Gianni two sons and golden doodle in her free time she kayaks hikes and writes. She also works at the best thrift store in town. Want to go visit? Like thrifty. Yeah. You can find her writing on substack at Janet funk.substack.com Thank you for listening. And thank you Janet for sharing your story with us. When we have a link to the Business Insider article we will also attach that to the show notes.

writing class radio is hosted by me Alison Langer and me Andrea Aska with audio production by Matt Cundill. M unser Minsky and Aiden glassy at the sound off media company. The music is by Justina Shandler. There's more writing class on our website, including stories we study editing resources, video classes, writing retreats, and live online classes. If you want to write with us every week, or if you're a business owner, community activist group that needs healing entrepreneur, scientist, and even nonprofits for kids trying to get into college, we are here to help. Check out our website writing class radio.com. Join the community that comes together for instruction and excuse to write in the support from other writers to learn more, go to our website or patreon.com/writing class radio. A new episode will drop every other Wednesday. Why are you laughing?

Andrea Askowitz  16:08  
I guess I love how you're like adding, you know, like if you're a nonprofit trying to help kids get into college because today we worked with a nonprofit called Breakthrough helping kids write their college essays it just it's adorable that you're throwing that

Allison Langer  16:24  
and we loved it there Mike I we love helping kids like it's a light bulb goes off. No one wants to share and then the one person shares a vulnerable story and everybody raises their hand. Like everyone's like, Oh, you're fucked up. I'm fucked up. Let me tell you how, you know like, it's there's such an incredibly Oh, I love that growth process.

Andrea Askowitz  16:42  
I know. And we have seen it in so many different different settings, different organizations, different nonprofits, different everything. Yes. There's no better way to understand ourselves and each other than by writing and sharing our stories. Everyone has a story. What's yours??

Tara Sands (Voiceover)  17:08  
produced and distributed by the sound off media company.