Transcript
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Hello everyone and welcome to On the Spectrum with Sonia, a podcast where we discuss autism spectrum disorder, mental health challenges and anybody who's overcome any challenge that leaves with a message of inspiration, empowerment, hope and, at the end of the day, helps us feel all connected in a world that always tries to disconnect us from one another.
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So today I have a very special guest, carolyn Dreher.
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A special note about Carolyn this is her very, very first time ever sharing her story out loud.
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She was featured on Force Magazine at her article about her unfortunate encounter with sexual assault and she is using her trauma to leave others with inspiration, empowerment, hope, love and feeling connected.
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I will say when Carolyn said Sonia, I'm ready to share my story out loud and I felt safe coming on your platform.
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I can't tell you how many tears of joy I shed and I want to start crying right now because I am so humbled by this.
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And I understand Carolyn had a choice of many, many podcasts she could have chosen for her first time.
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And I want to say and I know I'm probably sounding like a flight attendant right now and they say you'd have a choice of many airlines you could have flown.
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So we thank you for flying such and such airline.
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I want to say, carolyn, thank you so much for being here.
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I understand you had a choice of so many other podcasts, so without further ado, let's please welcome Carolyn Dreher.
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Woo-hoo, carolyn, yes.
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That is like the best welcome ever.
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That was awesome.
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I'm going to need that on a video so I can have that every day when I wake up.
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But thank you so much for having me.
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I'm so excited and you are the sweetest I.
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You literally were the first on my list when I was like, okay, I'm ready to speak out, and so it's such an honor to be recording with you and I'm just so excited.
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Well, thank you, I'm really excited to have you on here and you know, as I said earlier, this is your first time coming out and saying it out loud.
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Let me ask you why.
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Now, Carolyn, what is bringing you to this now?
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Why now, carolyn?
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What is bringing you to this now?
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I think there really is something to when you are in your 40s.
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I wouldn't call it like a midlife crisis per se, but I mean you really start to like take inventory, and I've been wanting to share my story for years.
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I mean, I've come so close, but you know, life happens or I got scared or whatever, but I just I'm just at a point now where I, if, if my story can help just one person, I can't sit over here anymore and just keep silent and keep it to myself Like I want the pain and suffering that I've been through to have been for some kind of purpose.
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So, yes, yes, and I feel like we've all gone through things and the best is when we can use what we've been through to help it, inspire and give hope and encouragement and help people feel like they're less alone.
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And this is the energy I get from you, carolyn, because you know, I feel like you know.
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When I see you and I talk to you, I feel like you are that person that wants to provide that and give that love to others, and when I look at you, I see just all love to others and when I look at you I see just all love.
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I try, I try to be a big ball of love as much as possible.
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I don't know.
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You got to ask my son.
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I don't know if he'd agree with that all the time.
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but I feel like we all have a choice to let those hardships and obstacles weigh us down and make us bitter or resentful, or we can, like, dig deep and, you know, turn it into love and hope and all that kind of stuff.
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So Absolutely, and you know.
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Speaking of which you know, you know.
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You say you have a son.
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Tell me a little bit about you and your upbringing and your family.
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Okay, absolutely so.
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I grew up in a small town in Michigan.
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I am one of four children.
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I have an older sister, two younger brothers.
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Interesting quick backstory.
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I was adopted.
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So that's how I ended up in a predominantly white small town.
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I was adopted from Pennsylvania when I was about a year old.
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But another interesting part to that is my older sister was also adopted.
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We are not biologically related.
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My adoptive mom was adopted and then two of her brothers, my uncles, were also adopted.
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So it was a rough experience but it was not in the fact of.
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You know, there was other people in not having that biological link and you know that's like a whole other topic, you know but, I struggled with that a little bit.
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So overall it was a decent childhood.
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Like I grew up kind of in the outskirts.
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So we, you know, we were always playing outside.
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I was running around bare feet eating tomatoes out of my mom.
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So we, you know, we were always playing outside.
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I was running around bare feet eating tomatoes out of my mom's garden.
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You know that type of stuff.
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But it was a little challenging for me because of skin color.
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Like I just mentioned, it was a predominantly white town so more often than not I was the only brown girl in class or the only minority.
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So looking back, I think that's kind of when the social anxiety started to slowly develop, because I always felt like all eyes were always on me because I stuck out.
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I didn't I mean, how could you not notice me?
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I would go to the store with my dad, who's white, and I would wonder, like, what are these people think of you know, a white man with, you know, a minority child?
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I'm sure other people thought nothing of it, but to me as a child I was like I wonder if they'll think that he kidnapped me, you know, because it was just.
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I just couldn't understand how I fit into the rest of the world.
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So that was.
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That was hard.
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School was okay.
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I got bullied a little bit because of the skin color.
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I was called the N word.
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One little girl was like yeah, you, you took your bath in mud today, that's why your skin is Brown.
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Um, I got, it was awful.
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Now I had a nickname for her too.
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So in all fairness, you know, but at the same token, you know, kids say things cause they don't understand.
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But, um, that was rough.
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I got teased, uh, cause my face didn't like catch up to my mouth.
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So my lips were a little bit bigger.
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So I got called blubber lips.
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On the school bus it was rough, but not to the point where I didn't want to go to school.
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I just had anxiety, the anxiety of riding the bus.
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And then Black History Month I literally felt like all the kids were turning and looking at me like, oh, I wonder what she thinks about, and I'm sure they weren't thinking that.
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But that's like how it felt.
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So I think that was like the slow development of being extremely self-conscious, being extremely self-conscious, and the rest of childhood was okay.
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I had friends.
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The bullying pretty much stopped in elementary school, middle school, how that is your hormones and all that.
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You're breaking up with this boy and in a fight with this group of friends, breaking up with this boy and in a fight with this group of friends.
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But that was probably one of the first times that I was struggling.
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I tried to run away from home in sixth grade.
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I don't know where exactly I was planning on going.
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I didn't really plan that far.
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What I did is I hid in the bathroom instead of getting on the school bus.
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So I'm hiding in there until the buses pull off and then on the intercom I hear Carolyn Dreyer, could you please come to the office, right?
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Because my mom had called because I didn't make it home from school.
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So that plan kind of fell through.
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So she came to school and she's like where were you going to go?
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And I was like, oh, I was going to go to my friend Mandy's house.
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I didn't have any long-term plans.
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Clearly I was in sixth grade.
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What was I going to go?
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Get a job.
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You know what I mean.
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But that was the first, probably, experience in life where I felt I had to run away you know, at that young of an age and I know it had a lot to do with feeling like I didn't fit in, even though I had friends.
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I just always felt like, are they friends with me Because their parents are like yep, you know the little brown girl in class, make sure you include her too.
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Like I thought stuff like that.
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Like are they genuinely my friends or are they just being nice to me because they're getting a lecture before they leave the house in the morning?
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So I think at that age, just a bunch of complex things were slowly starting to develop.
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Sure, Sure, and it's like you always felt, like you were othered is what I'm hearing is like you always felt like, even though you were in an environment, you weren't in an environment right At the same time it was like yes, and so it makes a lot of sense then why you wanted to escape and get away.
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Because let's just also face it sixth grade, you're in middle school.
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By then, middle schoolers are jerks okay they really are.
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You know, I am working with middle schoolers now in my practice and I have clients who are sixth, seventh and eighth grade right now and the stories they would share, that it's just, it's heartbreaking.
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Sometimes I look at them and I want to like really cry for them, because it's like just people the way they treat, get treated and the way that they what they feel they need to do in order to fit in, and you know the way people will, you know, make judgments on them.
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It's like you know what I mean.
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I remember having that, you know, and I remember being there myself in sixth grade and, oh my gosh, it was brutal.
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Middle school is a hellhole.
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Let's just put it this way, and I'm sure this is your experience from what you're saying.
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I'm sure that this is something you can heavily relate to it's a hell hole.
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Yes, like my poor teacher, I promise you, like every other day it was either me or my friend Carol or Tara or Laura.
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One of us was in the hallway with her in tears.
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Oh, like so-and-so is, you know, won't sit with me or they won't talk.
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I mean that poor teacher bless her heart.
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Middle school bless your heart.
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I mean you got to have a lot of patience and it's a tricky time because you're slowly starting to develop into who you're becoming, but yet you're not capable of really understanding what that all entails.
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Right and at you know, and at that time too, I think it's hard for people that age because you know I'm writing my memoir where I talk about the bullying and the things I've been through and you know lessons and reflections back and I think when you're that age, you know you don't understand.
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It's like it's always easy to assume why does everybody hate me?
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Why is everybody rejecting me?
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What's wrong with me?
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Instead of being able to turn that focus around and being like well, what's going on with these other people, right?
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What's so sad in their life that they have to act this way at school?
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What's going on with these bullies, right?
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What's missing in their life that they have to go in and bully another person?
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Yes, absolutely.
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Yes.
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So you grew up in a town in Michigan, small town, and you felt very othered.
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You were, you felt like, even though you had friends, you weren't sure if these friends are genuine.
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How long did this feeling last?
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Did it last all throughout middle school?
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Did it go, did it stop in middle school or did it follow you through high school?
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How long did this like?
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go on, for I think it probably got better in high school.
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No, I'm going to say it got better, but I feel like in hindsight I maybe like buried it or maybe I found some way to put it into perspective to where I could deal with it, cause I feel like high school was decent.
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I had friends, I was involved in the marching band, so I was a band band.
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But I did have an experience where a boyfriend I was with broke up with me and I found out through my friend that it was because of my skin color.
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And so that was so rough.
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But my mom, she's Korean, so she had gone through a similar experience in high school where, you know, boys weren't allowed to date her because relationships with friends.
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I was heavily involved in church so that definitely was something that was helpful.
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So eventually I started to be trusting.
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But I think because I was in a small town, I didn't really understand that you can't trust everybody and, to be fair, my parents live in the town that they grew up in.
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My mom lives in the house that she grew up in.
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So, to be fair, I don't know that they would have been able to prepare me any differently.
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You know what I'm saying Because they're still in the same place Now.
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We travel.
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We went to like different parts of the country growing up, so it's not like we were sheltered that much.
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But I think not knowing that you can't trust everybody was something that played a monumental role when I went on to college.
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That played a monumental role when I went on to college, which, by the way, was a huge like awareness, if you want to say.
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I was a good girl in high school.
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I never had alcohol.
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I didn't hang out with the kind of kids that party.
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The worst I would do is come home late from talking to my boyfriend in the parking lot after work.
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So college that I mean for lack of a better term I could say I went buck wild.
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I don't know how else to term that, because I'm on my own, I'm living on campus.
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Look, I couldn't wait to go to college.
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In fifth grade we had an assignment to write to a college we'd want to go to.
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I wrote to Penn State because I wanted to go to college.
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In fifth grade, we had an assignment to write to a college we'd want to go to.
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I wrote to Penn State because I wanted to go to school there, because I was adopted from Pennsylvania.
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So I think in my head I was like maybe I'll find my biological mom, whatever.
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So I was ready to go to college.
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You know, like in fifth grade, like I was ready to go.
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So when I finally got there, I mean I can go to bed when I want, I can eat French fries every day.
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I should go to class every day, but who's going to tell me that I have to, really?
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So I went crazy.
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Well, okay, I don't want to say it like that, but it was exciting.
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It was an exciting time I was like there's more people who look like me, let's get this, we're going to do awesome.
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And that happened for a little bit.
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But slowly, you know, some of those same themes from childhood started to resurface.
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I was not necessarily accepted by minorities, but predominantly the African-American community which, by the way, I am half African-American, half Korean.
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I don't think I mentioned that earlier.
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So that's by being biracial.
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You know that's a whole other beast to conquer.
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But you know you feel like you don't fit in with Caucasian people.
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I don't feel like I fit in with African-Americans.
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Most people don't even know what my ethnicity is, you know, just based off of looking at me.
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So, again starting to feel accepted, but not so much.
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And you know, looking back, I probably this whole time was not able to accept myself you know, I think is the main crux of it all.
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So let me ask you, yeah, yeah.
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So let me ask you this.
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So, like this idea of self-acceptance you know a lot of this.
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We start learning self-esteem in childhood, right, and that's you know.
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It's like when kids are praised for things they do well, when they're made to feel safe if they make mistakes and can feel like, okay, well, I'll still be loved unconditionally, right.
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We learned this in childhood and a lot of this also gets reinforced then as we grow older and with peer socialization and things like that, Right.
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And so you know, going through what you've been through, right, what parts of you started to disown you?
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Because it seems like going through what you've been through growing up thus far.
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Because it seems like going through what you've been through growing up thus far and then not feeling like you fit in and wondering are people really genuine to you?
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And then finally finding some stride in high school to some extent and then getting broken up for because the guy was a racist, yeah, right, and all along.
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And then going to college and then once again having some remnant themes you made some friends, but then at the same time, you also felt like you didn't belong anywhere, like you couldn't fit in with the Caucasians, you couldn't fit in with the African-Americans, you couldn't fit in with different groups.
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Yeah, what parts of you started to feel like you disowned you at the, you know, starting when you were younger.
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You know I this is like, probably a strange like example.
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But so because I I have ethnic hair, so I used to wear my hair short, growing up like short, short.
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Um, so in sixth grade we it was school picture time.
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I, you know, I always thought my hair looked normal.
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When school pictures came back, somebody pointed out oh, look at you, you have an afro.
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For some reason I don't want to say I was offended, but it hurt my feelings that they said that.
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I don't know why.
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But it was from that moment on that I started to look at myself differently.
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I started to look at myself differently up until that point it's so crazy Like I accepted, like I thought I looked good.
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I mean, I'm sure I did look good in my school picture.
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But when somebody says something like that, it switches the way you view yourself.
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It really really does.
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And that as as strange of an example that might be, that's stuck with me because then I started I looked and I was like, oh, I guess I didn't fit in as much as I thought.
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And from that point on I don't know if I ever really got that confidence back.
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And then in college I had a similar experiences.
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These girls I had befriended, I believe.
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Actually all of them were African-American.
00:21:16.892 --> 00:21:20.142
So I told you I had never drank before college.
00:21:20.142 --> 00:21:22.766
So the first time I drank I was drunk.
00:21:22.766 --> 00:21:29.482
I mean they thought I was faking it for attention.
00:21:29.482 --> 00:21:32.871
So they had like this little intervention with me, right.
00:21:32.871 --> 00:21:35.104
So, mind you, these are girls I just met.
00:21:35.104 --> 00:21:44.634
Now in hindsight their hearts were in the right place, absolutely, but at the time so they're all sitting around like yeah, we're very concerned.
00:21:44.634 --> 00:21:47.164
You know, you're kind of wild.
00:21:47.164 --> 00:21:49.570
You're hanging out with all these different guys.
00:21:49.570 --> 00:21:54.682
We just think you're faking when you're drinking.
00:21:54.682 --> 00:21:56.886
And I was like who are these girls?
00:21:56.886 --> 00:21:59.192
They have a lot of audacity.
00:21:59.192 --> 00:22:00.721
They don't even know me.
00:22:00.721 --> 00:22:07.291
They would know I'm the least fake person ever.
00:22:07.291 --> 00:22:09.154
I can't hide anything.
00:22:09.154 --> 00:22:16.066
My emotions are always on my face, like you'll never really have to guess where you stand.
00:22:16.066 --> 00:22:22.307
But I was like the nerve of these girls to help me out for having a good time.
00:22:23.089 --> 00:22:37.150
You know, in hindsight they were looking out, but I think also at that point it was the mere fact of people pointing out their perspective of me and because I wasn't confident enough in myself, I believed it.
00:22:37.150 --> 00:22:48.781
I was like, oh well, I guess you know there's another group of people I've disappointed and I don't measure up to, so you know, f them and I slowly distanced myself.
00:22:48.781 --> 00:23:06.452
You know I really should have stayed closer from those girls in hindsight, but you know, you live and you learn and so I think just, I never could just get over other people's perceptions of me, other people's definitions of me.
00:23:06.452 --> 00:23:13.617
I was allowing myself to fit other people's narratives, basically because I didn't.
00:23:13.617 --> 00:23:16.846
I was like, well, I'm trying to be myself but that's not working.
00:23:17.228 --> 00:23:26.181
So, okay, well, let me just be what the people want and, you know, fit their little narrative of some clueless girl who's faking her personality.
00:23:26.181 --> 00:23:38.627
So you know, if you can't beat them, join them type of mentality, very self-destructive in that instance, because they, they really were looking out for my best interests.
00:23:38.627 --> 00:23:45.111
The delivery was catty and horrible, but the intent, you know they were.
00:23:45.111 --> 00:23:48.653
I'm not saying had I listened to them, my life would have changed drastically.
00:23:48.653 --> 00:23:52.976
But in hindsight, you know, I should have had a different crowd of friends.