Empowering Transformation and Breathwork Insights with Dr. Seema

Transcript

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Hello everyone and welcome to this week's episode of On the Spectrum with Sonia, a podcast where we discuss autism spectrum disorder, mental health challenges and anyone who's overcome any adverse challenges that can leave everyone feeling inspired, connected and filled with hope.

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Love, especially in a world where we are constantly being disconnected from one another in one way or another.

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This is to bring connection, love, hope, inspiration and togetherness.

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And today we have a very special guest, dr Seema Desai.

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Seema has a podcast, happy and Human, which is actually being nominated for a listener's choice for 2024 in the diversity and inclusion podcast category.

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So, everyone.

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I would strongly encourage you to tune in to her podcast, happy and Human.

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I was a guest on there and I absolutely love listening to her episodes.

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And here's the thing with it.

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I know like they talk about like talk about the South Asian to support here, but anybody who's even not South Asian can relate to some of the stuff that they talk about.

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But I absolutely loved it.

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My favorite episode of all time was when they talked about going to a psychotherapist who was Indian.

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Believe me, I've been in that situation before.

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So, but without further ado, let's please welcome Dr Seema Desai.

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Welcome here.

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Oh my gosh, I'm so thrilled to be here, Sonia, I'm such a huge fan and you know your episode of the Happy and Human podcast was really incredible because you never know, with social media, with podcasting, it feels like you're just screaming into the ocean sometimes and you're wondering like, is anyone hearing me?

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But with your episode I had one person in particular reach out and we've stayed in touch and it was so humbling.

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I think it made my year when I think about 2024 and representing you know, people of your lived experience as a part of who we are as a South Asian diaspora and who we are as valued contributing members of society.

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Oh my gosh, Just to make this person feel seen and heard.

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What a gift, and so I'm so thrilled to be able to be on your show.

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You know, I know you also live in Austin, correct?

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And so, yes, and you are, you know, and which is really an interesting story that you have and journey that you have, because it's never so often we hear of people who went into your line of work that you went into dentistry, dentistry and now you are actually, you know, like you switched over in many ways into another area of health, because dentistry let's not forget that's health too and important, it's very important for everyone you know, obviously, to keep up with that with their dental work.

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But you know you're also talking about, like, mental health.

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You're being a big advocate for that.

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So I kind of want you to share with us what was your journey Like?

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How did you get into dentistry?

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When did you find out, like, more about your real self, your real passion?

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I mean, I'm going to try to be relatively brief because I think everyone's stories are so beautiful and there's always so many nuances, but I think you know so many were Indian.

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Right, we have many nuances, but I think, um, you know so many, we're Indian, right, we have three choices doctor, lawyer, engineer.

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He picked law, medicine.

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Um, you know, and I, honestly, it was, first of all, a lot of the jobs that exist today didn't exist 20 years ago, right, like social media manager, content producer, ai I can't even begin to list, right.

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So I feel like gosh, I feel old saying this, but back then there were only so many things you could do, right, and most of it was pretty tangible.

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Computers were a big thing, the internet was a thing, but even within that space, it's like, well, you're still an engineer, you're still, you know, like it was very concrete.

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And so my perceived three options I picked medicine and I grew up around a bunch of aunties and uncles that are physicians and I just didn't.

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It didn't resonate with me in many ways because they were working all the time Right, and it was like this badge of honor to have your pager go off and oh, I'm on call and um, but yeah, it was a very glamorous life, because I would hear them also like say they went and bought their brand new Mercedes or they went to Tiffany, or you know, and my parents are blue collar, my dad is an auto mechanic.

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He just retired from having his own business in a very small town in North Texas and so we didn't have that abundance growing up, the financial abundance growing up, and then I would see all of the people around us have like they would take vacations, they would do all of these things, and so for me it was just natural to be like well, why would I not want that for myself?

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I'll just go and be a doctor.

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And you know, dentistry was a great, um, I guess, way to split the difference in that there's not depending on what kind of dentistry you do.

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Generally speaking, there's not a lot of call, it's eight to five.

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What I thought dentistry was was, you know, way different than what it actually is.

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And even though I shadowed dentists before deciding to go to dental school and all of those things, you know to see something and then to actually experience it school and all of those things um, you know, to see something and then to actually experience it that's two separate things.

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What did you have in your head that dentistry was versus what you saw Like?

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What was the difference?

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Well, I was fortunate growing up to not have had any cavities and, um, my teeth are naturally straight, and so I would go into the dentist and it would be like, oh hi, and you know, they would clean my teeth and I would chat with the hygienist and, um, and then I would leave.

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Right, it's like I'll see you in six months and I'm thinking like this is fun.

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Um, and in my head I thought like I loved dressing up, I loved cute clothes.

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I thought, oh, I can see patients and look cute and you know, see little kids and, and really I love kids, and so just the idea of helping them was was really special.

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Um, and and so I?

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What I thought was it was just very coveted and I wasn't actually thinking about what it meant.

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To be a procedural doctor is very, very, very physically taxing.

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And when you're 20, what something years old as most people are, when they go into medicine, you're kind of invincible, right, like you think you are invincible, you don't have those aches and pains, but the more and more you kind of spend your time physically fighting someone's tongue and their lips and the strength of their head, like in this tiny little space, it gets very, very taxing on your back, your neck, your shoulders.

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A lot of colleagues have started to retire quote unquote early because they have a lot of nerve pain and nerve damage and just from not understanding how to take care of themselves.

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This push, push, push mentality right, it's a production-based industry.

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So the more you produce, the more money you make, and that's just the truth of it.

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The other way, the more you produce, the more money you make, and that's just the truth of it.

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The other way to look at it is the more people you help.

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So it just depends on what intention you're taking behind seeing the patients that you do.

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But I just think that it was way harder physically than I was intending for it to be, way harder.

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I can only imagine.

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You know, and I can definitely relate to the whole, the more people you help, the more money you produce, because that's how mental health is.

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You know, I'm a therapist now and it's definitely you, basically that eat what you kill.

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Mentality, right, unfortunately.

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That's how the jobs are and because mental health and in many ways it's a good thing that mental health is being brought to the forefront, and I think that that was one of the blessings of COVID in some ways, even though as horrible as that pandemic was, one of the blessings that came out of it is that people started acknowledging how important mental health is.

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But truth of the matter is now it's come to a place where you know what everyone's an armchair therapist, the word you know.

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Certain words are becoming used like buzzwords now, like the weather, right, like and don't get me wrong, I mean I do believe that there are narcissistic personality disorders out there, but now everything, you know just the way that that word is being thrown around narcissism, just everything now.

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And I feel like, because there's so much money in mental health that people who are not even professionals are taking advantage at times.

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And I know that this is a really controversial and hard topic, hot topic at Press, but you know, I just had to say it because I feel like you know there are professionals who took the time.

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You know psychologists, mental health counselors, school therapists, school psychologists, neuropsychologists you know what I mean Like all different, like clinical, like mental health.

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I'm just saying, like all these people marriage counselors right, they all went and did their time and went to school, you know, and did the training and I feel like so many people are now coming into the space and trying to take advantage, not in good ways.

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You know, and I'm glad that you know, at least you're upfront and honest and one thing I admire about you is that at least you're saying you know what.

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I am a dentist.

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You know your podcast partner.

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He says he is a lawyer, right.

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So I mean, and you guys are very honest about what you are and you're not purporting to be these armchair therapists, you know, no, but we are certified coaches Like we did still you know, like we didn't, and I will be the first to say I get very maybe it's the medical side of me, the liability side of like.

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I'm very careful about broaching what is therapy, because people's mental health matters, right, and so I want to be very, very clear that you know there's certain things I am not qualified to do, that, um, you know there's certain things I am not qualified to do, and, and you know so.

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But but to your point, tony, like, anybody can be a coach, um, and you can wake up tomorrow and say I'm going to be a coach and nobody knows what that means.

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Um, you know, nobody really understands, and I think that there's a lot of violation of what it means to get a coaching session, to be a coach.

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Um, you know, telling people what to do, giving them advice, judging them that is not coaching, it's not therapy, right, those are safe spaces that, unless you have the skills and training to do, um, I feel like, of course, not everybody that is um, not certified is a, is a bad coach, right, but but there I do feel needs, there, there needs to be a little bit more accountability in terms of what you're calling yourself and, to your point, being very clear about how it is that you help.

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Right, because you help people in very, very different ways than how I help.

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Right and I feel like you know what and you're right, so kind of going into this.

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So how did you transition then Then?

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When did you start realizing then that dentistry, you know, kind of wasn't everything that was filling you up inside, like, tell me about that journey, and what brought you to be a coach, led you to coaching then?

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Yeah, well, I think there's always.

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It's kind of always like the straw that broke the camel's back, sort of thing.

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Right, there's always these little microaggressions or micro experiences that we may or may not be conscious of, that suck away our happiness.

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Maybe we're just so hung up on the title.

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I know I was as much, as it on one hand pains me to say, but I celebrate the growth, right, I used to really be caught up in the title, right, like I'm a doctor.

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That's just how I grew up.

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I was around people who basically were like, well, if you're a doctor, you have, and if you're not a doctor, you don't, and and so, um, it's not true, of course, but that was what I grew up with.

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And so, um, you know, I think there were a lot of times where I felt I never asked the question duty on this time in planet to to serve and make the world better, that concept just wasn't there.

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And so I, you know, for a while I was blaming, um, my unhappiness on, oh well, it's, you know, the office that I'm at.

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Oh, it's the patients, oh, it's the office manager.

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Oh, I know, it's because I really want to be a mom.

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Right, that was another thing and I did want to be a mom.

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But I just, I think that you know, when you use something as escapism, it doesn't always go as planned.

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I think there are some negative repercussions that come from that as a result.

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Nothing that you can't necessarily overcome, but essentially I, you know, kind of just, I just didn't want to do dentistry.

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I didn't know what I would want to do.

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There was a lot of guilt around it.

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There was a lot of you know, I spent all this time and money, and what does that mean?

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If I'm not like I, my ego had become so entwined in like I'm a doctor, I'm something, I made something of myself.

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So if I let that go now, what am I?

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Just somebody's wife, like it?

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It was a hard time for my ego, for sure.

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But essentially, when we had our first child, I got hit in the face with postpartum depression.

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I didn't know that.

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I was depressed.

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I was really angry, really emotionally volatile.

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I felt very isolated.

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I was very sad.

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I was in a very dark and lonely place.

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I didn't have the tools that I needed to advocate for myself, even with my husband, who I chose to marry.

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We we are, you know, like it wasn't one of those South Asian situations where we didn't really get along or that we didn't love each other or we didn't support each other.

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No, I mean, I, I married my best friend but he was just drowning in his own, you know, like he had just finished training, he had, um, he was had his boards coming up, he was in his first quote unquote big boy job and I was home alone with this kid, you know, and, and there were a lot of different factors that led to, I think, me feeling the way that I did and I, it was easier for both of us to just sort of sweep it under the rug and say, oh, I'm just tired, you know, it'll get better once the kid gets older.

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You know, um and I at the same time found yoga, because when my son was um, finally old enough to go to Montessori school, we put them in Montessori school, which was amazing because I got to do the mom thing, but I didn't feel guilty about leaving him in, like it was a wonderful space.

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He was learning, he was growing, you know, all of these wonderful things that we just couldn't provide at home, and so I got the best of both worlds, but that, importantly, gave me time to breathe and I started trying to take the yoga classes while he was really little, like five, six months old, and it was just too hard, like I would feel so guilty, not because I didn't trust my husband to watch our son or anything, but I just was breastfeeding exclusively, speeding exclusively.

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I would have to like time my yoga class, just right.

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You know all of these things and, um, the guilt is real, the mom guilt is real, the pressure is real.

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Um, even though it's not the choices that I would have made now, after having healed and after having understood what it means to take care of yourself and why that's important, I think I would have done differently.

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But I, you know, I did the best that I could with what I had, and I bring that up to say you know, I was introduced to yoga and that sort of what became what was a?

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Um, an escape for me or a relief for me?

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I, I probably could have used therapy, but as South Asians, as you know, we just don't resort to that at first.

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And so yoga.

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But yoga did the trick for me, it really saved my life and it became a passion of mine and just slowly, over time, I started to see the difference between how I was feeling physically, my mental state of mind, the way I would see things.

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But the real big difference came when I was feeling physically my mental state of mind, the way I would see things.

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But the real big difference came when I was still very angry, as a mother was still working part-time, I was quick to get upset.

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I had a lot of high expectations.

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Especially with children that are so young, it's not reasonable to have the expectations that I had.

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But I would just feel like you know, this is not the kind of mom I want to be.

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And I finally got coaching for myself and it changed my life.

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So, like it, I just.

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Everything that I have experienced up until this point is a direct result of me deciding to get help for myself in the form of coaching.

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Point is a direct result of me deciding to get help for myself in the form of coaching and continuing my self-care with yoga and things like that.

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And so you know, long story short, I started to think differently.

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I started to understand how I was thinking.

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It became more compassionate and empathetic.

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I started to see my kids, my family, differently than how I was seeing them.

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I was viewing them with a lot of judgment and instead I started viewing them with a lot of compassion and a lot of curiosity and a lot of you know, just very different.

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And my whole life changed.

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Our whole family dynamic changed when the pandemic hit.

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Just before the pandemic hit, I decided you know what life is too short.

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I don't want to continue practicing dentistry.

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I decided, you know what Life is too short.

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I don't want to continue practicing dentistry.

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I think you can, it's fair to say when you see a patient.

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Right, there is a unspoken contractual trust.

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That's there, right, they're putting their wellbeing in your hands.

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And I just thought to myself you know what, if I'm not fully in it, if I don't love being there, if I'm viewing this as just another filling to you know, fill and get her done.

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That's a violation of trust.

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That is not okay.

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And I cannot sleep at night.

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And so, um, I was going to just pause till I figured out what I wanted to do.

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But then the pandemic hit and I coaching school.

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The opportunity to go to coaching school landed in my lap, and that was a great investment.

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Even if I never coached another person a day in my life.

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It had really changed how I communicated, how I thought, how I saw things, you know, and one thing led to another, and you know, there came the book that I published and the podcast and all of these wonderful things, as a result of having to the decision to pivot.

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I want to just be the first to say that I am so proud of you, you know, and from one Indian American to another, okay, and us being both first generation, having walked similar paths, because I feel like I was walking the yellow brick road with you, because I felt like both the roads were basically paved in front of us.

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Our parents gave us the yellow brick road and all we were expected to do was put the red shoes on and walk and skip and sing.

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We're off to sing the see the wizard and be happy and joyful that we have this path for us, that we were kind of, in many ways, I think, psychologically I'm going to even say this psychologically, course too, because you know what the way that they would do this.

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I don't know if this happened to you or not, but before going to law school, even when I was an undergrad, my parents used to come a lot to my campus to make sure I was studying, to make sure I was following the yellow path, that yellow brick road, and then I was working in a law office between the time, you know.

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So this was summer of, or this started in 2005,.

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Because I graduated December of 04 from college, 2005, I started working at this law office and I did not end until I started In summer of 2006,.

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I quit that job because there was this like online course pre-online course that you could take to help you get in like acclimated when you get into law school.

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And I went to one of the worst.

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I mean it's a very good school, don't get me wrong, but it was one of my worst.

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Second to what?

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How I grew up, it was another worst chapter of my life and when I look into that, I was not happy there.

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I was not feeling fulfilled, and I want to say that you know, it's very brave to come out and say that I'm not going to follow this path anymore.

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I'm going to take off the red shoes and I'm going to step off the yellow brick road and go find another road.

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Right did that?

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Because when I was living in New York, that's when things hit for me.

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That law is not my passion.

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It was always to help others.

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It was always, you know, to be honest, before I went into law, I wanted to either be a journalist or a therapist, and I was always that type that always wanted to be on TV.

00:23:14.508 --> 00:23:35.106
My dream job was like being an anchor like what you see on, like the Today Show or to you know, when I was growing up there was, I used to love watching the journalists do their work right and I was watching those documentaries and those you know specials and things and I always knew I was better at helping people.

00:23:35.106 --> 00:23:47.777
I naturally was more of a helper and the kind of like listen, you know, give empathy, provide suggestions when appropriate and self-disclose when appropriate.

00:23:47.876 --> 00:23:48.116
Right.

00:23:48.198 --> 00:23:55.308
And so and I because I feel like even a certain amount of self-disclosure you know there are many therapists who are against it.

00:23:55.308 --> 00:23:56.491
I don't, I'm not against it.

00:23:56.491 --> 00:24:02.211
I feel like sometimes it helps people connect with you more because we connect at times, right.

00:24:02.211 --> 00:24:07.346
So I mean, and so I just feel like, from one to another I just want to say I'm proud of you.

00:24:07.346 --> 00:24:08.750
I know it must not have been easy.

00:24:08.750 --> 00:24:13.510
I know I was met with resistance when I was leaving the legal field, lots of resistance.

00:24:13.510 --> 00:24:24.836
I can only imagine what that must've felt like for you to be, you know, because it's not easy to change in general but to also break cultural barrier like that too.

00:24:26.076 --> 00:24:44.048
Yeah, I think, you know it's funny, people say that it's like it's felt hard not to leave, like the, the.

00:24:44.048 --> 00:24:47.637
I always knew that I didn't, like I didn't want to be there.

00:24:47.637 --> 00:24:51.281
You know, I wanted, I wanted the rainbow without the rain.

00:24:51.281 --> 00:24:57.637
Basically, right, I wanted the title without having to do the job, which that's not how the world works.

00:24:57.637 --> 00:25:05.388
And so of course, I was unhappy in, um, in, in, going to dental school was really stressful.

00:25:05.388 --> 00:25:25.592
I, like I just didn't care to talk about all the things you know people would get really excited about like, oh, this procedure or that procedure, and I'm like it was my ego that was getting the high right, like, oh, yeah, yeah, I did this, I did this procedure, I did the surgery, but it wasn't really truly aligned.

00:25:25.592 --> 00:25:29.726
And I just think back and I really don't know what it felt like.

00:25:29.726 --> 00:25:31.348
I think I just blocked it out.

00:25:31.348 --> 00:25:44.888
I, when I say my ego was talking like it was, there's a lot of comparison of even my husband's a physician, and so I always felt like I had to measure up to him.

00:25:44.888 --> 00:25:59.471
I always felt like I had to prove myself, um, and then he's a guy, right, and he's like this he's tall, he's got this big, booming voice, he's got a commanding presence, and so I always felt like I just had to prove myself.

00:25:59.471 --> 00:26:06.971
And it was this constant like in my mind, this battle of like I'm smart too, you need to see it, you know.

00:26:06.971 --> 00:26:23.763
And I think that that was what was really the hardest part was letting go of what it meant to be in that profession and not have the answers.

00:26:23.804 --> 00:26:34.333
I remember my son, um, right before the pandemic, I, you know, I'd taken my, my leave of absence from dentistry and he would ask me at bedtime every single night.

00:26:34.333 --> 00:26:37.730
He would be like well, mommy, what are you going to do if you aren't?

00:26:37.730 --> 00:26:39.655
Like, are you going to ever practice dentistry again?

00:26:39.655 --> 00:26:41.650
Are you still a dentist, or what are you going to do?

00:26:41.650 --> 00:26:46.611
Right, like, his little eight-year-old mind just couldn't understand.

00:26:46.611 --> 00:26:48.053
Right, Like, what do you mean?

00:26:48.053 --> 00:26:48.394
You don't?

00:26:48.394 --> 00:26:51.925
Like I go up, I wake up and I go to school.

00:26:51.925 --> 00:26:52.547
I go to school.

00:26:52.547 --> 00:26:53.127
That's what I do.

00:26:53.127 --> 00:26:54.489
Like, what do you do when I?

00:26:54.489 --> 00:26:55.329
You know.

00:26:55.329 --> 00:27:04.066
And so it was a great opportunity for him for me to teach what it means to be, you know, someone who chooses to stay at home.

00:27:04.066 --> 00:27:05.909
That it's, that is also a job.

00:27:05.909 --> 00:27:09.296
You know all of those things.

00:27:09.296 --> 00:27:11.378
But, yeah, I.

00:27:11.378 --> 00:27:15.332
It's interesting that you bring up brave it.

00:27:15.332 --> 00:27:18.748
Just it didn't feel brave, it felt something else.

00:27:18.748 --> 00:27:19.469
I don't know what that is.

00:27:20.951 --> 00:27:23.115
You know, and everyone experiences it differently.

00:27:23.115 --> 00:27:34.337
And one thing that kept popping up in my mind is, you know, in the Bhagavad Gita there is that phrase that says it's better to do your own work perfectly than to do somebody else's work imperfectly.

00:27:34.337 --> 00:27:40.191
Right, and I just kept thinking of our stories and how, you know, we both went into professions.

00:27:40.191 --> 00:27:52.547
We didn't feel in our heart, you know, we just wanted that Because, like you, in many ways, you know, and how I grew up, I can say, you know, I felt like getting that law degree would finally get me accepted and loved.

00:27:52.547 --> 00:27:53.788
Okay, and that's not.

00:27:53.788 --> 00:27:56.553
Oh, yes, and that's not the way it works.

00:27:56.553 --> 00:28:07.327
Because you know, you know, I know we grew up kind of different, you know, and I, you know, you know, I know we grew up kind of different, you know, and I, you know, want to acknowledge, you know, or you know, this piece here.

00:28:07.327 --> 00:28:08.329
But I did grow up in a physician home here.

00:28:08.349 --> 00:28:26.673
So both of my parents are doctors, very well acclaimed my parents, my mom, you know, she actually studied in England, which was unheard of for a woman, you know, in that generation and my grandpa so my mom's dad, was a very forward progressive man.

00:28:26.953 --> 00:28:30.007
In that sense he was a well above his times, very smart.

00:28:30.007 --> 00:28:40.214
You know he came out of homelessness twice, built himself by the bootstraps type of guy, right, and you know he.

00:28:40.214 --> 00:28:44.886
So he sent my mom and all her siblings to England, which was unheard of.

00:28:44.886 --> 00:28:56.946
And then when my mom got married, my dad left and went with her and then they immigrated to the States in the late sixties when Kennedy opened the door for immigrants to come in.

00:28:56.946 --> 00:29:07.455
Okay, so they lived in Boston first and you know I saw like, and then I also grew up in the Midwest because they moved to Chicago in like the seventies.

00:29:07.455 --> 00:29:25.690
We grew up in a suburb, you know Northwest Indiana, outside of Chicago, and I was just thinking, you know like I just remember seeing how lionized my parents were, especially my dad, you know being a man right Just how lionized he was.

00:29:26.050 --> 00:29:32.151
You know they were treated like they were Hollywood celebs, or Bollywood celebs in our case.

00:29:32.151 --> 00:29:33.959
Right Like it's, just like.

00:29:33.959 --> 00:29:35.484
You know it just very.

00:29:35.484 --> 00:29:41.136
There was a lot that went into that, developing that mentality for me.

00:29:41.136 --> 00:29:52.478
You know watching that from my parents and thinking, okay, well, if I get a title, I will finally be lionized too, I'll finally get attention, I'll finally be loved, I'll finally be accepted.

00:29:52.478 --> 00:29:54.348
But that's not how the world works.

00:29:56.034 --> 00:29:59.627
No, it's not, and I see it especially now with my son in middle school.

00:29:59.627 --> 00:30:15.086
He'll share things about his friends, or you know what they're thinking, and and I try to tell him you know, listen, it doesn't matter.

00:30:15.086 --> 00:30:17.069
Until you learn to be your own best friend, no amount of friends will be enough.

00:30:17.069 --> 00:30:20.615
You'll never have a friend that's good enough You'll have.

00:30:20.615 --> 00:30:22.239
You'll never have.

00:30:22.338 --> 00:30:33.897
You know what you feel you want, because inside you're coming from less right, you're coming from scarcity, and because of the um, they've kind of both of my kids have kind of grown up in this.

00:30:33.897 --> 00:30:46.344
In a lot of the language that that coaches and therapists use about you know self-worth and things, and so it's not a new concept for him, um, so he gets it and he sees it in other people.

00:30:46.344 --> 00:30:51.316
But but yeah, that was totally it for us, right, we didn't have that concept of what is it?

00:30:51.316 --> 00:30:52.645
What do you mean Self-love?

00:30:52.645 --> 00:30:55.289
What do you mean Compassion for yourself?

00:30:55.289 --> 00:30:57.613
What do you mean being enough for yourself?

00:30:57.613 --> 00:31:01.759
Um, that would have been tossed out the window, I think.

00:31:01.759 --> 00:31:21.159
And I do want to say, though, I think, our parents it's so easy for us to cast blame and be like they did this and they you know, but I don't know what it's like to immigrate from a different country Not my culture, not my people, not my language.

00:31:21.199 --> 00:31:27.579
This was not 2024 where I could hop on Amazon and order whatever Indian you know ingredients.

00:31:27.579 --> 00:31:29.925
I needed to arrive at my home.

00:31:29.925 --> 00:31:36.057
I couldn't stream Bollywood movies wherever I was, like I think there was.

00:31:36.057 --> 00:31:47.455
There's a great deal more acceptance compared to what was of different cultures, different foods, and so they just didn't know better.

00:31:47.455 --> 00:31:57.305
I'm not in a place, necessarily, where I think I used to feel like what the heck man, why would you do that to somebody?

00:31:57.305 --> 00:32:03.749
But when I consider it from their viewpoint, that must have been really, really, really hard.

00:32:04.730 --> 00:32:08.538
And so you know what we still achieved.

00:32:08.538 --> 00:32:09.769
We still got what we needed.

00:32:09.769 --> 00:32:18.270
We may not have gotten what we wanted, but we got what we needed in order to then be the source of healing for our own selves.

00:32:18.270 --> 00:32:19.491
Right, we chose to do the work.

00:32:19.491 --> 00:32:21.094
I saw this quote.

00:32:21.094 --> 00:32:26.580
I was at a retreat a few weeks ago in California and, gosh, this blew me away.

00:32:26.580 --> 00:32:35.659
It said self-mastery is not the privilege of the rich man, nor the right of the poor man.

00:32:35.659 --> 00:32:44.980
It is the choice of the wise man, and I thought that that was just really powerful, because we all have the power to choose.

00:32:47.070 --> 00:33:14.034
So beautifully said and also you know, going into your point of just that whole immigration thing, let's not forget about the trauma that also our parents grew up in with the ruling of the British and only getting independence in 1947 and being left, because basically when the British left they're like okay, you figure this out for yourself they were left, all fighting like animals, basically for land.

00:33:14.775 --> 00:33:35.132
For you know our own identity, sense of identity, power, privilege, whatever right, like we were left all fight right and so, and you know to this day, you know my mom, you know when she talks about partition she would she will still start crying.

00:33:35.132 --> 00:33:44.204
You know, and you know, case in point, when I ran the New York City half in 2022, I think it was 2022.

00:33:44.204 --> 00:34:29.025
Oh gosh, whatever year it was, the last time I ran the New York City half, we went to an Indian restaurant afterwards to celebrate the race and it was at the time I was just leaving a toxic job, no-transcript.

00:34:29.025 --> 00:34:34.173
And it's just so powerful and so real.

00:34:34.173 --> 00:34:43.213
And you know, and I know that they did the best they they could with what they had, and I think it's you made a very good point that they were only doing what they knew how to do.

00:34:43.213 --> 00:34:47.166
They didn't know, they only were, they were bringing in what they knew.

00:34:48.110 --> 00:35:06.588
Oh yeah, you know it's important for us to realize, you know, we can't expect somebody to give us what they don't have exactly yeah, you know, even growing up I would hear about the partition and I would think like that's history doesn't really apply to me and I don't know what the universe is trying to channel or help me understand, you know.

00:35:06.588 --> 00:35:14.389
But I certainly have a very different perspective now of how, just how detrimental all of that was right.

00:35:14.469 --> 00:35:16.070
Like we spent so much time glamorizing.

00:35:16.070 --> 00:35:28.079
Like we spent so much time glamorizing like, oh, the queen and the Western, you know Western clothes, western food, what it means to have the American dream, all of which you know.

00:35:28.079 --> 00:35:30.521
Yes, of course we're living it right.

00:35:30.521 --> 00:35:41.155
I'm not going to take away from the countries that have offered many opportunities for us as immigrants, but, yeah, you don't think about that.

00:35:41.155 --> 00:35:52.074
You don't think about how, essentially, we had this beautiful sandcastle and we had a beautiful educational system and a beautiful you know, were there shortcomings in society?

00:35:52.074 --> 00:35:53.858
Absolutely Every society has that.

00:35:54.344 --> 00:35:59.237
But we had something that was, you know, working, and then some big bully comes and knocks it down right and then continues to knock it.

00:35:59.257 --> 00:36:20.813
Then some big bully comes and knocks it down Right and then continues to knock it down and knocks it down and knocks it down and and then just says, all right, I'm done playing here, I'm going to go home, and you're left in the ruins of all the sand and the muck and the you know, expecting to be able to build it back up when you don't have the skills anymore to be able to build.

00:36:20.813 --> 00:36:32.184
You know that that glorified civilization that existed before the invasions from various countries and religions happened.

00:36:32.184 --> 00:36:38.313
That took thousands of years of evolution to build and just gotten in an instant right.

00:36:38.313 --> 00:36:43.179
So it is hard to um to.

00:36:43.179 --> 00:36:51.358
It's easy to forget how traumatic that was, especially for those who lived through it, and um had to flee overnight.

00:36:51.358 --> 00:37:07.373
And I have friends, even to this day, that you know are from kashmir, and they're they're my age, they're they're our age, sonia, and they, they, even, they have very, very visceral reactions to the ideas of what they experienced in the 90s.

00:37:08.554 --> 00:37:15.567
So powerful, yes, and you know, and all of this helps, I think, shape us to who we are.

00:37:16.427 --> 00:37:39.512
You know, and in many ways you know, we can kind of reframe our way of thinking into you know, yes, our parents provided what they were able to provide with what they had, but because of how they were able to provide what they had for us, it only allowed us to provide for ourselves a life we wanted, exactly.

00:37:39.512 --> 00:37:42.532
Yeah, so tell me a little bit now.

00:37:42.532 --> 00:38:05.023
You said you've written a book and you, when you'd mentioned a little bit about self-love earlier and you know how you and you talked about, like how that was tossed growing up, because we never were taught from our families what self-love was, how to have self-esteem, that concept of you should love yourself, feel good about yourself, love who you are from within.

00:38:05.023 --> 00:38:11.206
That was never really just concentrated on because it was always about academics.

00:38:11.206 --> 00:38:29.184
Uh, most often for people you know, on the especially within you know Indian culture than not, um, so how did you discover self-love and self-esteem and doing that work from within, and what have you learned?

00:38:29.184 --> 00:38:32.378
And then, why don't you tell us a little bit more about your book?

00:38:33.280 --> 00:38:38.409
Yeah Well, that's a great question because one has directly to do with the other right.

00:38:38.409 --> 00:38:46.775
So, you know, I, when I first got coaching, is when I really first started.

00:38:46.775 --> 00:39:03.327
That was the first time I'd ever heard the word self-love and honestly, I'm still, years later, still discovering what that looks and sounds and feels like to me as I heal, it's different right Every day.

00:39:03.327 --> 00:39:08.652
Like to me, as I heal, it's different right Every day, um.

00:39:08.652 --> 00:39:11.820
But you're so correct in that we never look inside and we're always looking to, like you're.

00:39:11.820 --> 00:39:14.333
We're hearing things like why did you get a 96?

00:39:14.333 --> 00:39:16.197
Like where are the other four points?

00:39:16.197 --> 00:39:17.099
You know where?

00:39:17.099 --> 00:39:24.278
How, um, you know so-and-so got into their on the varsity tennis team.

00:39:24.278 --> 00:39:27.793
Like and they are going to be valedictorian, like why can't you?

00:39:27.793 --> 00:39:30.460
You know X, y, z, or there's a lot of pressure.

00:39:30.460 --> 00:39:47.500
And so when you grow up in this concept of I'm not good enough, or I'm good enough until that circumstance, I create that circumstance and in that circumstance changes like the weather, right, like nobody tells you that, that life circumstances change.

00:39:47.500 --> 00:40:00.110
It's obvious to me now, but when you're in the thick of it, especially as a kid, you don't understand that, um, or you don't really understand what that means in terms of that.

00:40:00.110 --> 00:40:14.083
So when I got coaching, I I sought out coaching for myself because I was such an angry mom and I just my mom was very angry with me and I just didn't want to continue that cycle.

00:40:14.083 --> 00:40:31.494
It didn't feel good to be the kid in that relationship and I didn't want my kids to feel the way that I used to feel, and so that my coach was really the first one to introduce me to this concept of self-love.

00:40:31.494 --> 00:40:42.155
Um, now, he at that time introduced me to this concept of um, he called them the saboteurs and the sages.

00:40:42.155 --> 00:40:53.306
Um, I think is what he called them, the sages, but it's definitely the saboteurs, and essentially that can be traced down to our own Vedic philosophy.

00:40:53.306 --> 00:41:05.193
Right, we have the ahankara, the ego, and then the true self, right, the highest, purest form of ourselves, which is light and love and compassion and all of those wonderful, blissful things.

00:41:05.193 --> 00:41:36.590
And so when he started to explain what, what the ego does in a way of self-sabotage, um, that really cleared some stuff up for me, right, it helped me recognize that I was, when I was in my state of ego and understanding that that is what actually, when we take action from our ego and we think with our ego.

00:41:38.472 --> 00:41:44.081
And for those listeners who are not clear on what that means, it's very self-centered, right?

00:41:44.081 --> 00:41:50.235
Like you, you fall to blaming, shaming, victimhood, all of these things of I.

00:41:50.235 --> 00:41:52.001
You know they're not listening to me.

00:41:52.001 --> 00:41:52.902
It's not fair.

00:41:52.902 --> 00:41:56.056
They're not cooperating, no matter what I do.

00:41:56.056 --> 00:42:00.411
You know I can't, you know I can't get them to do what I want.

00:42:00.411 --> 00:42:03.335
They don't listen, they don't cooperate, I'm not getting what I want.

00:42:03.335 --> 00:42:04.577
This always happens to me.

00:42:05.577 --> 00:42:12.612
Um, competition, comparison, all of those things are based in ego and that's what creates the stress, right?

00:42:12.612 --> 00:42:33.990
So, um, there's, conversely, the other side of the coin, which is the, the self-love that the highest you know, your, your atman, your brahman, your realized self, whatever you want to call it, your inner knowing, your intuition, depending on what belief system you come from.

00:42:33.990 --> 00:43:00.938
And so just learning about those two concepts as it actually applies to me in real life, understanding how that was making me angry and that it was a choice to be angry and that I actually had other ways to look at the situation, um, and not get angry and actually feel connection and understanding instead of anger and punishment.

00:43:00.938 --> 00:43:08.440
It was just life-changing and punishment.

00:43:08.481 --> 00:43:09.985
it was just life-changing.

00:43:09.985 --> 00:43:28.514
Life-changing Sure, you know, and it seems like it was a very like educational yet transformational thing for you to hear, to process, to develop those concepts between what is thinking from ego versus that elevated state where you can look at things in a different way.

00:43:29.958 --> 00:43:32.001
Yeah, it was, it was huge.

00:43:32.001 --> 00:43:38.239
And you, you know, again, it's easy to paint the ego as bad or wrong, but it's not, it's.

00:43:38.239 --> 00:43:43.639
It's rooted as you know I mean, sonia, you're, you're the expert here it's rooted in self-protection.

00:43:43.639 --> 00:43:51.693
It's rooted in self-preservation right, it's why we're alive today.

00:43:51.693 --> 00:43:51.914
Is it kept?

00:43:51.914 --> 00:43:53.681
Our ancestors, you know, we're able to very quickly judge am I safe or am I not safe?

00:43:53.681 --> 00:43:54.766
Is this right or is this wrong?

00:43:54.766 --> 00:43:57.132
Does this feel good or does this not?

00:43:57.132 --> 00:44:07.315
I mean, the ones that didn't have that capacity were eaten by the lions or, you know, swept away in the river because they went out swimming and didn't have that sense of safety and what.

00:44:07.315 --> 00:44:16.465
You know where the risks were appropriate to take and where they weren't, and so I think we just have generations of trauma.

00:44:16.465 --> 00:44:28.885
Like you know, for us as South Asians there's colonial, you know colonialism and the partition and all of these other things, as well as just how patriarchal our culture can be.

00:44:28.885 --> 00:44:45.344
Anyway, all that to say, I started learning about these concepts and then the pandemic hit and you know, I wanted, I told the kids, I said okay, we're home together.

00:44:45.344 --> 00:44:55.375
It'll be a lot of time where I potentially could get really feel I didn't want to spend my whole time get being angry, right, or yelling or screaming or anything.

00:44:55.375 --> 00:45:04.103
And so I said I know I'm going to tell the kids, um, I'm going to ask them to help be my accountability partners, right?

00:45:04.103 --> 00:45:14.403
So I gave them this structure, the language that was age appropriate, um, to help them understand what it means to be um.

00:45:14.590 --> 00:45:26.831
In my book I call it the guard state because it's protective, right, it's not, it can sabotage, but it's not trying to sabotage, it's trying to protect, right, like like a little puppy dog trying to sabotage.

00:45:26.831 --> 00:45:28.976
It's trying to protect, right, like like a little puppy dog.

00:45:28.976 --> 00:45:37.394
Um, you know, when you think, oh, when you are having that need to blame or shame or or feel embarrassed, it's, it's protective, and so I call it the guards.

00:45:37.394 --> 00:45:50.980
So I gave him this language of the guards versus the guides, um, you know, always knowing the right thing to do, that's best for everybody, not just for yourself, and I totally thought that it would just be for me.

00:45:51.039 --> 00:46:01.873
It was selfish in that, not selfish, but it was self-serving in that I needed to keep myself in check, given that we were all in this same house in the pandemic.

00:46:01.873 --> 00:46:04.699
Well, kids are fantastic.

00:46:04.699 --> 00:46:09.858
Their brains take things and they internalize them and then they make them work for them Right.

00:46:09.858 --> 00:46:42.860
And so during the pandemic, we that's what was really magical was they had so much practice recognizing when not only I was in that guard state, but when dad was in guard state, when they were in guard state with each other and then with themselves, and, um, you know, we would hear things like a crash upstairs or, uh, you know the beginnings of a, of a scuffle, and we would hear the other one go I see that your guard is talking like let's take some breaths together.

00:46:42.860 --> 00:46:49.556
Or I know that really wasn't about me, but can we hug, like can we try again?

00:46:49.556 --> 00:46:53.965
Um, my kids were five and eight at the time.

00:46:55.331 --> 00:46:59.481
They're not, you know, like this is nothing that my kids are.

00:46:59.481 --> 00:47:07.079
I think they're special because they're my kids, of course, but, like, my point is there, there's nothing about them that's different than another child.

00:47:07.079 --> 00:47:08.762
Like this is completely accessible.

00:47:08.762 --> 00:47:12.594
And so I thought, wow, everybody deserves this.

00:47:12.594 --> 00:47:16.483
And I think the universe just sort of heard that.

00:47:16.824 --> 00:47:23.414
And I had a friend at the time who had published a book recently and I was thinking like, oh, that would be cool to do one day.

00:47:23.414 --> 00:47:33.534
And, lo and behold, I had a publishing house over in the UK reach out and say we'd really love to do a book with you, um, cause I had been active on social media and things like that.

00:47:33.534 --> 00:47:47.422
And so they basically were like I pitched them this idea of navigating emotion and, um, really it is self-love, right, it is understanding yourself.

00:47:47.422 --> 00:48:02.255
That allows you then to create better in life, right, it allows you to surf those waves and not get knocked down by them, but just sort of navigate them with ease.

00:48:02.255 --> 00:48:05.422
And so I um, it was very, very fortunate.

00:48:05.422 --> 00:48:16.858
The book came out in 2022 and the illustrator, james Belans, did a fantastic job, um, illustrating, and I always tell people it's called connected discovering your inner guides.

00:48:16.918 --> 00:48:19.532
It's available on Amazon, um, but really it's.

00:48:19.532 --> 00:48:30.195
It's for anyone um ages, I say eight to 80, you could go younger, depending on your kiddo Um, but I it's really meant to be a resource.

00:48:30.195 --> 00:48:31.478
It's really meant to be.

00:48:31.478 --> 00:48:35.851
How do I stop feeling the stress?

00:48:35.851 --> 00:48:38.157
How can I build connection instead?

00:48:38.157 --> 00:48:41.101
Um, how can I find meaning instead?

00:48:41.101 --> 00:48:42.043
And?

00:48:42.043 --> 00:48:43.653
And all of these concepts that you know they're?

00:48:43.653 --> 00:48:44.396
They're not mine.

00:48:44.396 --> 00:48:51.532
Obviously, I learned them from my coach, but as I've grown in my own spiritual path, these are all things that are in the Gita, right.

00:48:51.532 --> 00:48:54.831
The difference is just the language and it's made it accessible in a different way.

00:48:56.532 --> 00:48:57.655
Absolutely Well.

00:48:57.655 --> 00:49:09.672
I am very excited to read your book and I would encourage everybody read your book and I would encourage everybody.

00:49:09.672 --> 00:49:10.994
If you can get a copy from amazoncom, go and do it.

00:49:10.994 --> 00:49:14.721
You know, seema, this has been such an absolute pleasure to discuss.

00:49:14.721 --> 00:49:25.905
You know your story with you and learn about you, and if you could give words of inspiration to people right now, what would it be?

00:49:29.251 --> 00:49:41.775
So my passion is helping people tap into their intuition so they can stress less and enjoy life while still outperforming the past versions of themselves.

00:49:41.775 --> 00:49:52.530
That's it lights me up inside to be able to help people do that, and one of my favorite ways to do it is to help people realize the power of their breath and their bodies.

00:49:52.530 --> 00:49:55.936
Um, so there's a lot of.

00:49:55.936 --> 00:50:22.900
You know, I love teaching the yoga classes in a very different way than you might see in a yoga studio, um, but I think one thing I would, I would say to people is spend some time recognizing how your breath is showing up, especially in difficult moments, versus when you are in um, an easy, fun conversation, right, like you and I are chatting here.

00:50:22.900 --> 00:50:36.054
It's fun, it's stress-free, my breathing is very regular, um, it's very easeful and, um, you know, if I were to just sit, I could probably feel the full expansion of my breath.

00:50:36.054 --> 00:50:43.643
But if you and I were in an argument or having a time, you know, trying to challenge, then your breath changes.

00:50:43.643 --> 00:50:52.793
Your breath typically can become shorter, can become shallower, can become more rapid, or some people just slow down their breath to where they hold their breath.

00:50:52.793 --> 00:51:09.974
They're not breathing, and I think learning to understand the power of your breath is so critically important, not just for your problem solving and your critical thinking, but really from a health standpoint.

00:51:09.974 --> 00:51:14.213
This is growing up in dental school or not growing up, but going to dental school.

00:51:14.313 --> 00:51:25.322
I remember dissecting out the vagus nerve and being told like this regulates breathing, this regulates heart rate, this helps with digestion yeah, but what does that mean?

00:51:25.322 --> 00:51:28.853
What is the power that you really have?

00:51:28.853 --> 00:51:35.735
It's through your breath, by your breath, working on your breath, noticing your breath, lengthening your breath.

00:51:35.735 --> 00:51:46.771
When you're feeling stressed, you're actually toning that vagus nerve and allowing, instead of those stress chemicals, all of the feel good chemicals to actually take place.

00:51:46.771 --> 00:51:49.197
You're keeping your immune system more healthy and regulated.

00:51:49.197 --> 00:51:55.840
You're keeping your sleep cycle more healthy and regulated, your hunger cycle, your I mean everything.

00:51:55.840 --> 00:52:00.014
And so I think you know when you're up against a challenge.

00:52:00.014 --> 00:52:06.559
Ask yourself how would I handle this if I were at peace and you can use your breath to get there.

00:52:06.559 --> 00:52:11.489
And I have some lovely resources on breathwork for beginners.

00:52:11.489 --> 00:52:12.695
It's called Calm in the Chaos.

00:52:12.695 --> 00:52:19.722
It's an online course that's very quick and a great resource for breathwork and guided meditations.

00:52:19.722 --> 00:52:28.072
There's also some stuff on YouTube and you know it just the breath, the body.

00:52:28.072 --> 00:52:30.599
All of that really, really is the key to me.

00:52:32.909 --> 00:52:38.942

Empowering Transformation and Breathwork Insights with Dr. Seema

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