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Welcome to Ready Set Collaborate podcast with Rhonda Pearson, where we will dive deep into the world of networking, collaboration and partnership, unlocking the secrets to a successful team working within innovation.
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Whether you're an entrepreneur, a creative professional or just someone eager to understand the power of networking and collaboration, this podcast is your go-to resource.
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Join us as we explore the stories, strategies and insights from experts, entrepreneurs and thought leaders who have experienced the magic of networking and collaboration to achieve successful results.
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Tune in to Ready.
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Set Collaborate podcast on a journey towards achieving your goals with host Rhonda Pearson.
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Welcome, welcome, welcome to Ready Set Collaborate with Rhonda Pearson.
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But you know what?
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At the special edition of February is Valentine's Week, valentine's Month, and I want to bring some wonderful ladies on to the show to speak about the different things about relationships.
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So the name of this series is called the Art of Relationships and I have some wonderful guests.
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That's going to talk about relationships, about trauma relationships, about expert in the relationship and about boundaries in relationships.
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And I know my guest is going to be Pam.
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But Pam, she gave me a coaching session before.
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She helped me to help me deal with my husband a lot, so it's going to be wonderful.
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And then we're going to end with self care.
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So I think this is going to be a wonderful series this month and we want to just share what we know and how we can actually communicate and help you all with relationships, because what they're going to do is actually give you some information, tips and they are a great resource for you all to listen to over and over again.
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Make sure you all listen, share and follow, because you don't want to miss any of these episodes.
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So I am so excited to have these wonderful ladies this month of February to talk about so many things that can benefit us in building and maintaining relationships Without further ado.
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I am glad, yes, pam.
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B.
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I said hi, pam, hello and thank you, wanda, for inviting me to be a part of this amazing month celebration of relationship.
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You're a balance.
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I'd say Absolutely, absolutely, and I really appreciate you coming on, especially a short notice that if I was traveling I was okay.
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Who can I have any questions?
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Oh, yeah, pam.
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Pam does down to me, so I'm having different ladies that actually can give some great wealth of knowledge.
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But before I do that I want to read your bio, pam Pam Beard.
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As a boundaries coach and journal late practitioner, pamela helps women to discover the impact of past experiences in their daily decisions and begin to live life on their terms.
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For the past 18 years Pamela has had has helped hundreds of women gain victory over their past experiences and position themselves for healthier outcomes in the future.
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Pamela's experience with journalism, such the age of 11, has also positioned her as a journal late expert, helping others to realize the value of journal late as a stimulus for personal growth.
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Pam, I totally agree, because I started doing that when I started getting depressed or whatever.
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I didn't realize I was writing poetry and journaling, but that helped me relieve a lot of things that I had held inside and deep inside, especially since I wrote my book.
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So I appreciate you saying that.
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So welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome.
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Thank you, I am so excited to that you're here.
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But I'm going to ask you one question first, before we get started.
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So how do boundaries relate to collaboration and networking with your business?
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That's a pretty loaded question because there's a couple things to consider there, and one of the things about boundaries, wanda, is people, when they think of boundaries, they think of restrictions, they think of closing, but when it comes to networking and collaborating with your business, I say expand your boundaries, and the word.
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And if you think about expanding, that means getting out there, looking at the possibilities, being creative, getting outside of your comfort zone.
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So open up your boundaries, because it's not until you open up those boundaries that you're able to fully receive all of that you have coming to you and all that you desire.
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So one of the things I like to think about and you and I, wanda, we met through networking networking is about expanding, it's about collaborating, and one thing that people have to know about network is it's work, and you have to work and be intentional about expanding.
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Now here's what it is not.
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Networking is not net weight.
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So when you think about net waiting, that means you're waiting for something else to come along or someone to come along to help you If nothing happened.
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You have to be intentional, you have to, and then you have to know what it is that you want.
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When you know what it is you want, then you are willing to do the work that it takes to net work.
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And another thing that I think about networking, think about collaboration.
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I think about the reason that we network.
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You have to identify why do you network?
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What is your purpose for networking?
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What is your goal?
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Because a lot of people and you've seen this one in the past I would say there's two different levels of networking.
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There's one that used to be and the one that works and the one that does it when you go around viewing your business cards, telling people what you do and what you want and how can they help you.
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Networking is about being there for other people, finding out what is that they need.
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You heard it in the Bible give and we will receive.
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It's not receive and then they'll give.
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It's not that You've got to be the type of person that sends to a person that you're networking and that you meet.
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What is it that I can do for you?
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How can I help you?
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Who are the people that can benefit from what it is that I offer?
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So I think it's really understanding networking from a perspective of you got to expand your boundaries, you've got to do the work.
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You can't sit back and wait, and you can't expect somebody to do something for you.
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You have to be the frame of mind.
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Shift that to where you're there to do something or be something for someone else, and then we'll come back to you.
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I do perfectly, said that.
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I tell you I really appreciate that and it is so true.
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And that's how I'm going to get into your boundaries portion, because actually you build your boundaries around that networking, network and network.
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So can you share a bit about your background, expertise and relationships and boundaries?
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Sure, sure.
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I started my coaching practice back in Cool.
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It was probably about 18 years ago, and when I first started, for the first three years, I was helping women to determine what it is where they wanted to be in the next five years and to create a plan for doing that.
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And what I noticed was the pattern.
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I noticed the pattern of women wanting to do things but not taking the steps that they needed to take for one reason or another, and the main reason was because they did not set boundaries in their lives.
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They didn't set it in the relationships, they didn't set it in the activities, in the amount of time they had.
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And, most importantly and I think you can understand where a lot of women have grown up to be what I call people's pleasers and I grew up to be that people pleaser, in that when you're pleasing other people, you take away from doing the things that you need to do.
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And so what I realized was, you know what?
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There's a pattern of women not setting the right boundaries and the healthy boundaries.
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So because of that, I decided that for the rest of the so for the last 15 years, I focused on helping women to identify where the boundaries are needed whether the boundaries they have are healthy or unhealthy.
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You got to differentiate the two and then to help, to teach them how to not only set those boundaries, communicate those boundaries, but also to know how to maintain those boundaries should there be someone that doesn't necessarily want to honor them.
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Yeah, I tell you you gave some good tips here.
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People listen to what she's saying, but she knows you're talking about here.
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So how would you define personal boundaries in a relationship context?
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Okay, personal boundaries are basically a respect for someone's real estate.
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So when I say real estate, basically your property.
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So if you think about two circles, right, you got two circles, you got two individuals.
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At some point they're going to come together.
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But understand, they only come together in the middle, they don't come together for the whole circle.
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That middle is that space that you choose to join with someone else.
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All the other space in that circle belongs to that person.
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So what's really important is that you define what that middle space is, that you decide to join together and set boundaries around that so that you don't impede upon someone else's property in the areas.
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Now here's something that people think about.
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When they think about boundaries, they think of walls.
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Boundaries are not about walls, they're about fences.
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If you can visualize the difference between a wall and a fence, a wall doesn't get as impenetrable.
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Some people have walls that are so high that nobody can get in.
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Will you do yourself a disservice when you build these walls?
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And these walls are basically built on past experiences, past pain that you've experienced.
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So you build up these walls.
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Well, what a fence does?
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A fence gives you an opportunity to be in control of who comes in who comes out, what comes in and what comes out, and it allows you to see the fence at the top, gives you an opportunity to see what's coming and to be able to determine whether this is something you want to let in or something you want to keep out.
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Absolutely.
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You did exactly that.
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That's what boundaries come in, and I'm going to tell you how they always talk about my foresees in a relationship Communication, compromise, consideration.
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I had my fork with me, I know you can tell me what that is here Communication, compromise I was talking about other guests communication, consideration, commitment and compromise.
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Yes, those are my four Cs in a relationship.
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I tell my husband okay, what are the four Cs?
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I make you remember them.
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That's for you that is so important with that.
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But yeah, when you talk about that and I think I had all ranted to, how can someone communicate their boundaries effectively without creating tension?
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Yeah, can I tell you that creating boundaries is not going to eliminate tension?
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I don't know, I know, that's why.
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You have people saying, oh, just set a boundary?
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I think that would not.
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You have to be prepared to set a boundary.
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One of the things that my husband and I he often works with me on my boundaries coaching.
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We did a video just pulled up recently on, if you want to set boundaries, learn how to play the game at chess.
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Yeah, yeah, because there are eight things that I share in that video that I put on YouTube, that he and I did on eight things to consider when setting healthy boundaries that relate to the game at chess, One of the things that's really important, especially when it comes to reducing the amount of stress not eliminating it, but reducing it.
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You want to make sure that you have checked your emotions.
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You want to make sure that you are working off of emotional intelligence that's high, that's been worked on, that's been studied, that's been practiced, because you can want to set a boundary, but if you're setting boundary based on your emotions, most chances are that's an unhealthy one, and so when you understand different steps that you can take to ensure that your boundaries are healthy and that they are honored, then you want to make sure that you're at least considering where am I as far as my emotions.
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Am I reacting or am I responding?
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And reacting means you have a knee-jerk reaction to something that happened or something that someone did, or something that someone said, without getting the thought process of why did this happen?
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Why do I need to?
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Why did they happen?
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Do I even need to set a boundary?
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Or did I set a boundary before?
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That was unclear?
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That caused this person to do what I think is not honoring my boundary.
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Many steps that come into it and it's not something that okay, it's gonna be so hard.
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I gotta follow these steps.
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No, just like you said on those four Cs, Wanda, those things become innate.
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They're automatic for you.
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The first time it wasn't, you had to practice it.
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But as time goes on and you keep in mind those four Cs, eventually you'll get to the point where you see your boundaries are being honored as you communicate them properly.
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But that communication comes from making sure that you are responding to a situation and not just reacting to it.
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Absolutely, I really.
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Yeah, you're speaking to me, You're speaking my language, that's so.
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Look, I'm just, and so we're talking.
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I think we're talking about respecting boundaries.
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How do you respect each other's boundaries and a relationship?
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It goes back to those four C's that you said, and I think one of the first one is the commitment.
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Commitment means you've both decided that this relationship is important enough to go the level, to go the distance and, if that's the case, understanding that two people are different, two people come from two different backgrounds and so the way that you think will not be the same.
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Oh, you may have some things in common, which is why that middle circle comes in for you, but we grew up with different backgrounds, different experiences, and so we're not going to always agree, and what's important is that you commit that this is something we want to have, this relationship we're going to commit to that.
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Once you commit to that, you have to be able to communicate.
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You got to communicate, especially when someone says something or does something that causes your blood level to rise.
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Then you're gut when something just doesn't feel right, just insane right, or goes against your beliefs.
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That's something to remember.
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But here's something I always say to people before you make that commitment, before you both make that commitment, in any type of relationship you want to identify first of all, you know your value, you know your worth, Because if you don't know your value and your worth, someone can trample all over it, Because if you don't know your value and your worth, then you don't know how to communicate it because you don't know it.
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And whatever you don't communicate, it will come out in your behavior.
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So you can't be surprised if someone doesn't honor what it is that you feel is your boundary.
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The first of all, if you haven't communicated.
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Secondly, if you haven't presented yourself in a manner that shows your worth and your value.
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And another thing I always say if you're going to get in a relationship with someone, make sure you know what it is that you want that coincides with your values and your work, Because then you can do what I call an interview, and that is once you identify the things that you want.
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I always my husband always teases about this because when we first met, before we met, his mentor had said to him create a list of 56 things that you're looking for in a woman or in your wife.
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He created 56 things, and so when we went out, he was seeing where I fell within that list.
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If I did something that was quite was a conflictive of what he on his list, why should he waste his time Too many times?
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We want to compromise, we want to make excuses for a person because of what they do, but if that behavior doesn't line up with who we are and what we want, don't waste your time.
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Yeah.
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Keep it moving, because the one that's for you is waiting for you.
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And how long are we going to wait?
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Make sure you know what it is that you want, your value and you're being able to identify those things and make sure that person falls in line with those things.
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And if they don't try to make it happen, don't try to force it.
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You know what they say.
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If it don't fit, don't force it, Wasting time in the long run.
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That is so true I know I've been married for 42 years.
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Congratulations.
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Lake Sturgeon's, wedgework and boundaries and training and a lot of different things that we go through.
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Like you said, we all have different personalities and it takes time, but I tell you it's all good.
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I say it's all good.
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Yeah, what's the difference with that?
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Can't imagine doing it without it.
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I really can't.
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Yeah, now are there new challenges considered for boundaries in the digital age, so now remember to answer whatever.
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What do you think about that?
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Okay.
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So when you say, as far as dating online, what?
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Yeah, yeah.
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And the challenges we have with dating online, because I know they have all these different things online.
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Yeah, yeah, A couple.
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We're not couple, right person?
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When you consider the foundation that we talked about before things, to consider knowing your value and knowing your work and knowing what it is that you want.
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Those are foundational and I think they can be utilized to the digital age.
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However, what's really important that foundation is there's a lot that can be misconstrued via the digital age and meeting people, talking to people, whether it be on the phone, be it like we're doing right now these are key, but people can put on a face in front of the screen.
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Yeah, they can say whatever they want to say.
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All I can say is be careful in this, and that's in the beginning.
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You want to make sure that you've got somebody with you at all times.
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Then you don't go to some place where somebody, if it doesn't work out, can stalk you, continue to bow you or whatever.
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Be careful, Trust your spirit, because your spirit ain't lying to you.
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Your spirit will tell you if something's right or not.
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Let the feeling you get in your gut stay and don't make excuses, because guess what?
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that feeling in your gut?
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It's going to subside eventually because God gives us free will.
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He's a gentleman, so if he's trying to tell you something you're not paying attention, he's going to let you go.
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So be mindful of that and don't do it by yourself.
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Talk to somebody about who this other person is.
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Don't stay in an island.
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We're talking about safety here when it comes to ongoing relationships and this is not just in romantic relationships, but any relationship understand that the current digital age of texting this interprets things.
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He should ask yes, you can Talk to somebody.
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If you have a situation where someone texts you a message and you get defensive about it, ask them if they can talk.
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Pick up the phone, let's talk, let's meet in person, because there's something about the visual of seeing a person and reading it, looking at their eyes and then facial expressions.
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You can't see that in a text.
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I don't mean that People get into texting wars and that real relationships because of texting wars are an issue that could have been resolved so much easier if they're committed to the commitment, the compromise, the communication, all those things, but relying on the text.
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Emotions get involved.
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Make sure it's going well.
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Or you know what.
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The relationship is ruined and it didn't have to be.
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No, absolutely, and I like what your husband.
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The 56, the second of all for crossing the balance.
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Know what you want.
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Know what you want.
00:20:48.257 --> 00:20:55.951
A lot of times when it's sad if you don't know what you want or where you're going, any role will take you there, if you think about it.
00:20:55.951 --> 00:21:04.066
When people apply for a job, when they apply for a job, if someone wants to hire them, they go for the job.
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But is that job really the one they want?
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Is it the one that they need?
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Doesn't fit in line.
00:21:10.641 --> 00:21:13.222
No, they're excited because somebody wanted them.
00:21:15.038 --> 00:21:17.085
Well, you're value and you're worth in what you want.
00:21:17.085 --> 00:21:22.441
Well, if somebody wants you or not, it doesn't matter if it doesn't follow the line, what it is that you want and who you are.
00:21:24.660 --> 00:21:27.226
That's going to bring me to my next point here as we wind me down.
00:21:27.226 --> 00:21:33.382
So what tips do you have for addressing and discussing boundaries and a relationship without conflict?
00:21:33.382 --> 00:21:36.161
I don't know how do you address that.
00:21:36.737 --> 00:21:37.179
You know what?
00:21:37.179 --> 00:21:40.904
Let people walk into a relationship and they're expecting conflict.
00:21:41.295 --> 00:21:42.660
They're not going to get.
00:21:43.835 --> 00:21:53.425
But if you go in there into a conversation where you're seeking to understand, that creates a whole different dialogue and a whole different dynamic.
00:21:53.425 --> 00:21:57.885
And so it comes down to not making statements but asking questions.
00:21:58.476 --> 00:22:07.243
That's what you're looking for clarification, because how many times do we hear somebody say something and they don't mean what you thought you heard?
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What you heard was based on a trigger or a filter that you have in your own mind, and in order to clarify that, you have to ask questions.
00:22:18.226 --> 00:22:26.766
I was in a situation where and a lot with text too the one can say something and it can come across and you get offended by it.
00:22:26.766 --> 00:22:35.403
Well, it's doing it, letting your emotions get all up in the uproar, step back and say I didn't mean what I thought they said there.
00:22:35.403 --> 00:22:38.644
You don't know unless you go and you act.
00:22:38.644 --> 00:22:46.402
Now, another thing is, if you're not sure, you're afraid that it's going to be a confrontation remember you're seeking to understand.
00:22:46.955 --> 00:22:49.463
Another thing you can do is clarify it up front.
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The stage have a conversation.
00:22:52.765 --> 00:23:01.464
You said something to me yesterday or today that I'm just not sure if it came across the way that you wanted to come across.
00:23:01.464 --> 00:23:05.022
Or you want to make sure you use the iMessage.
00:23:05.022 --> 00:23:07.142
There's something you said to me.
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I'm not sure I received it correctly, for whatever reason.
00:23:11.335 --> 00:23:23.866
So I want to make sure that I'm clear on that, and I understand that there is no time limit on boundaries, so don't think you have to check someone right away.
00:23:26.522 --> 00:23:27.005
Wait a minute.
00:23:27.174 --> 00:23:39.964
No, you're just asking some time to process it and once you've processed it, you've allowed your emotions to get out of the way and let your thought process come in Process then, so you can know what questions to ask someone.