Transforming Childhood Chaos into Relationship Wisdom with Fari Gonzaque

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Welcome to Ready Set Collaborate podcast with Rhonda Pearson, where we will dive deep into the world of networking, collaboration and partnership, unlocking the secrets to a successful team working within innovation.

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Tune in to Ready.

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Set Collaborate podcast on a journey towards achieving your goals with host Rhonda Pearson.

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In a great resource to you to listen to over and over again.

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I am so excited to have some wonderful ladies this month of February to talk about some space that may benefit us in building and maintaining relationships.

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Let's get started with the art of relationships with my guest, fari and Fari, and let me I don't want to miss their ship names Tell me how you say your life's name Lanzak Lanzak.

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Okay, thank you.

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Thank you, welcome, fari, to our special February podcast series with all the.

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In fact, the top is art of relationships, but I want to talk about your title that we actually created for you.

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It's called Overcoming your Traumatability Great Relationships, and I love them and you're going to tell us about their story here.

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But let me tell you a little bit about Fari's bio.

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So, and to see the Faris happen.

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As she left Iran at 21 years of age, fari embraced England and America as her home.

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Driven by her attorney passion for spirituality, health and wellness.

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She had been a transformational relationship coach for 30 plus years.

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That's awesome.

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Fari mentors people to develop many unfulfilled dreams and to discover the brilliance in themselves in order to create great relationships.

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Fari clients have created miracles to let go of the burden and discover their gifts and healing in their traumas.

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She helps clients embrace their past traumas and challenges as their life lessons and not a life sentence.

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I love that, fari, which you said there's not a life sentence.

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You always get out of it.

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So welcome, fari, to this podcast and I'm so excited.

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We just met.

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But we just clicked, Fari.

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We just clicked Exactly.

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We knew that this was destined to be.

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But tell us a little bit about yourself.

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I want you to introduce your Germany and how you became a relationship expert focused on transformational relationships.

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First of all, thank you for having me here, wanda.

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That's lovely.

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It's a great space to be here.

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Yes, I was born and raised in Iran and I love the fact that everybody says Iran and it's actually Iran.

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And I left Iran at the age of 21 and I waited for 21.

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I can go and get a passport without my parents permission because my dad would let me leave.

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It was a very difficult, traumatizing upbringing, like zillions of us, and when you're in the middle of fire being burned, you just think oh, I'm the only one, God, why am I the only one who's burning?

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And I wanted to run away, really, from my father.

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One of my brothers in the Arhom was pretty toxic and I wanted to go.

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My father was very old when he married my mother and he was ready to be a grandfather, and then he had six kids after it and we were all tormented because he just didn't have any patience for any child to be next to him and cry and be a child.

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So I never, ever, got my father ever to hug me and give me a kiss, except on a Persian New Year.

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He would kiss on top of our head one time.

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That was it.

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I remember him.

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How much he beat me up physically and I remember him, how much he was putting us down, and the verbal abuse is worse than a physical abuse.

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But I got it both and I was like so tormented when I wanted to leave.

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So for years and years I was mad and angry at my father.

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But at the same time, when you say why me God, it wasn't that I'm saying why me God, to feel sorry for me, but I was like searching for an answer.

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And the more I searched for an answer, I didn't even know it at that time that I was super, super spiritual, as, at the peak of being a very wild woman, I was also digging for spirituality.

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And through it all is when, by total grace of Almighty, I got the answer.

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How do you turn all these traumas into your gift?

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I did not know.

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When I'm burning in fire and anybody says, oh yeah, there is a gift, I probably would punch their face and I said you don't even know what you're talking about, I'm dying here.

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But when you learn about it and you just think, oh, that's why I went through all of that, oh, that's why it all happened.

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Not only, it makes your life a lot more pleasant to live it.

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Not only it makes me being me much more pleasant for me to deal with, it also became a vessel for me to help hundreds of people in 32 years here in California that have been training, whether it is physically or mentally, and through my pain, being able to help them to find the light in their life and see.

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I always say to find the diamond in their lives, and it's a gift.

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That's awesome, and you actually answered the other question.

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I was going to ask you what inspired you to specialize and help the individuals and couples transform their relationships, and I really want to go back to what you said.

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We have a lot in common because I also dealt with my stepfather, with abuse, and you're right.

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You're right, it's not just a physical abuse but it's a verbal abuse, so you're never going to be anything, just the negativity that's around with him, with me and my mother and some of my brother and sisters.

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But I agree with what you say and I am so happy that you did.

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But let me ask you another question how would you define a transformational relationship and what sets it apart from what helps an conventional relationship?

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Look, transform is that?

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Here is I, as this angry, mad, frustrated person, and as I am learning more I don't even try it from being the firehouse that I am up here burning in hell with anger.

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And as I am learning, I just see myself oh, I am going through this path of so-called transformation and oh, I made it.

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That's transformation.

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Absolutely, absolutely.

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And I'm loving what you have behind you is for yelling and pain.

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That's what I put it in behind.

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It says we are here to heal, not to harm.

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We are here to love, not to hate.

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We are here to create not to destroy.

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Oh, that's a purpose and I love that because it really is so true and believe in that, but a lot of people don't have that strength to do that, and that's what I like about what you've done is for us coaching.

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So can you share an example of a story of your internal transformation or relationship that you encountered in your work?

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You mean about my life?

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or others.

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It's how you transform a relationship.

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Someone else in the relationship that you help, You're close.

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Being a transformational relationship coach.

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I want to make that clear for everyone.

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It's not from a man to a woman.

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Number one is from yourself to you.

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We've never been, especially if you've had upbringing like me, or like you was the way you're saying it.

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The one thing was not ever taught to us is that had to respect ourselves, because the respect was not given to us, so it wasn't familiar.

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As if you talk to me Chinese, I wasn't raised with the Chinese language.

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I don't know it, so I didn't know what respect was.

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I knew how it was to be angry and frustrated, so I was being angry and frustrated at everybody else.

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So if I have to first learn what would I need to be this loving person towards this being?

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Once I learned that and then, by learning that, then I learned how to also forgive myself.

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That's the next phase, when the forgiveness is massive and it's been most ignored.

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So that's why, when there is no self-forgiveness, alcoholism comes in, the obesity comes in, the drugs come in, and sadly I see this a lot in this country, more than Europe.

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But if you are overweight it's totally acceptable, but that's as sinful as when you are alcoholic or you're drug addict, because you are being disrespectful to this temple of God by overfeeding you, by feeding you wrong stuff, and you are the size that you are and that's also sinful.

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And I'm saying that lovingly, not grudgingly, because I wasn't obese myself.

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I was like maybe probably 12, 14 years old and I was like 200 pounds weight and when I left Iran I was barely 5'5 and I was 200 and I don't remember 7 or 10 pounds when I left Iran.

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So I was really.

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I was eating my emotions.

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The same way that the person numbs themselves with alcohol and with drugs, over-eating is another way of numbing yourself.

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And what 32 years that I've been a fitness trainer and life coach and dealing with so many obesity when you talk to them that they are suppressing all those.

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So when you start dealing with a relationship to yourself me to become a coach as a transformational relationship coach when you have more peace within you and love for yourself and forgiveness, then now I'm a better partner to my husband, now I'm a better sister.

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Now I'm a better daughter to the mother who I just lost.

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Now I'm a better friend.

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Things shift immensely and then it brings me into your relationship with your partner.

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And that's great, because when we feed ourselves to help, to hurt, and exactly what you said alcoholism, the two different things we do and I agree with all of that, that is so true and transforming yourself to love yourself, that's what we call self-love right and to make those changes.

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So let me ask you something what advice do you have for individuals seeking that personal growth within the context of a relationship?

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We all need each other.

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We need help.

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It's very it's not a prescription one prescription wrapped for all.

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That's why, when I'm talking to individuals and they ask me how to coach them and I just said, look, I have no remedy and recipe for anyone's happiness.

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I and the person who is going through that, we start talking and we start creating a way.

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It's a matter of creation of that, Like when you go to a dressmaker, they won't put the dresser in there and I say you wear it and I wear it, and the short and tall and skinny and blonde and black, they all wear it.

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It's not, they make it to your measurement.

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So that's what we do, we create.

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We all need support.

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It's very difficult.

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I had so many mentors in my life and from Wayne Dyer, maya Angelou, to just name a few, there were so many mentors in my life for me to get to where I am, but it wasn't all happening overnight.

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It was a period of time, and the more I learned about me, the more I tried to practice it with others and then I said, oh, it's actually working.

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So we need help.

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The person that is seeking that Freedom yeah, that's what we come on as coaches so we can coach you.

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We're not therapists, we're not psychologists, we're not psychotherapists.

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We are coaches, just like a football coach, a basketball coach, a volleyball coach, a swimming coach.

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You need to have a.

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You can be in the water and float forever, but you're not swimming.

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You don't have to swim, and that's what we come in.

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We come in, create a way for you.

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Mm-hmm, find your way out?

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Absolutely, and I love that.

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So how does communication differ in transformation with relationships and strategies that can help couples to use their communication skills?

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So that's a big problem sometimes, I feel sure.

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Number one is the commitment.

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The two must be committed and sometimes one is and the other one isn't.

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And I say, okay, you like you want.

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You is one that want to do the work with your husband, and your husband says no, and you want to do it.

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I said, okay, then let's create a new way of you being who you want to be and who you need to be the best partner, and let him see the changes in you and let you see how much you're not jumping up and down, going crazy like you did all your life, and your way of calming down would finally bring the other one into place, and it also teaches you as the one that is working on itself.

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Do I need to deal with this or how do we find a way of dealing with it?

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I never suggest divorce and separation.

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That's not my job.

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That's people's choice.

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I didn't put them together, is not for me to separate them, and this is not something that, if anybody wants me to tell them, I can tell them now.

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They're wasting their time.

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I will never suggest yeah.

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And you know what I actually.

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It's funny that you said that, because me and my husband we've got this four scenes and I want people to write this down Four scenes, which is communication, consideration, commitment and compromise.

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So I have my refrigerator and what are the four scenes that we talked about?

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Communication, consideration, commitment and compromise.

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So those are the things that I believe is we would talk to you here that you need in a relationship in order to build that relationship Absolutely and work together.

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Yeah, Communication, communication, communication.

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If there is no communication, there is nothing.

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A couple of days ago, apparently, I said something really mean to my husband and I didn't even understand that.

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I said it and my husband was very into himself and down and then had he not mentioned it to me, I didn't know it.

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But he decided to communicate with me and he goes.

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I need to talk to you about this.

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And when he told me I was so shocked.

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At first I thought he's making it up.

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But look at his face.

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I realized oh no, he's really sincere.

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He said that I said that I was clueless.

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I'd said that if my husband hadn't communicated that with me, I wouldn't have known what I've said.

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And what did I do?

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I sincerely apologized to him.

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Please forgive me, I didn't realize it.

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Listen, I'm a coach, I'm not God.

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I also get the wrong things.

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I also can say wrong things and through my wrongdoing I am learning better how to not just talk to him, to anybody Watch out comes out of my mouth.

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Because I was a late end life at Avastere, diagnosed with ADHD and dyslexia, and I always wondered why do I say things that I don't even remember.

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Said it Later stage, when I got tested for a very severe accident that I caused in LA 30 years ago, a UCLA.

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They tested me and they said You're suffering from ADHD.

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And I said what is that?

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I had no idea.

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And the very first thing that they said your brain tells your mouth to say things that has nothing to do with the rest of you.

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You don't even hear it.

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You're hearing and you're talking.

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They are not in one contact and you say and do things that you don't even know you've said or done.

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Their brain runs fast.

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So that is my dilemma.

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I'm being more careful when I want to talk to him or pause.

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They say oh, I'm trying to say what I'm trying to say Only because I love him.

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And one thing I don't want to do I never want to hurt my husband.

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They hurt.

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Yeah, and that's what forgiveness comes into play, because a lot of time people don't even know how to apologize because they don't remember what they said.

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So I've got to let it slide with my husband.

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I'm like you should apologize to me.

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I shouldn't have to tell you to apologize.

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That's what communication.

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And just like you said, your husband did, I communicate to him to say you've hurt me by saying that, well, what am I saying?

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Right?

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And then why are you apologizing if you don't know what you're saying?

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So right.

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Yeah, but anyway, we're going to have to wind this down, but I wanted to ask you something, because this is about collaboration that we talked about, so definitely collaboration and networking.

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How does collaboration and networking build in with your business?

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As far as what you do, it's fortunate, oh, I love it.

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I think it is so essential, for example, people that I don't know and they are in around the same kind of a field that I am, and I was actually talking to another lady yesterday, a psychotherapist.

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Oh, actually I met her where I met you in Woman on Fire.

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Yes, we were talking about it and then she was asking me, she wanted to talk to me, and then she goes listen, we have to work together.

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There's so many things that she, as a psychotherapist, needs and I can provide that for her clients.

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And there are so many things that one individual, as relationship coach, doesn't have access to and then the other one has or I access to and others don't, and then when we work together, we can help that many more on the planet.

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And collaboration and networking 1000%, it's exactly.

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And that's what I said when I started doing my WPS you have to connect and collaborate to be successful with each other.

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So give us a few tips, just a few tips, and I want you to share your social media, a few tips you can give us about what you do, you know.

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For the audience, just give a few tips and it's for the coaching and transformation being a fitness trainer.

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Fitness for me is a major part of living.

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Being healthy.

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That doesn't mean you have to go and kick and run and sky high jump in the climbed mountain, but every individual needs to have certain activities in life.

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You can be on a wheelchair and you can be active, and when you do the activities it really helps how your brain starts functioning.

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A person that suffers from imposter syndrome I'm not good enough.

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No, I can't do it.

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No, I have to hide myself.

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No, I just want to sit and eat.

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When, in the middle of eating, you stop or you don't start it and you go for a walk around the block and you come back, you realize how you want to eat less or you want to push the smoking a little bit further out.

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Yeah.

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Oh, I'm not going to pick up the glass of wine right now, I'll do it after all of that.

00:20:33.410 --> 00:20:38.922
So activities come in a right body and a right mind and soul.

00:20:38.922 --> 00:20:47.470
So one of the things I'm big and huge is that I suggest these kind of activities and if they don't know how to do it online, I happen to do it.

00:20:47.470 --> 00:20:52.622
And open mind, commitment and having boundaries.

00:20:52.622 --> 00:21:02.857
It's so important Like I cannot deal with people that they say I will be there at so and so time and they leave and I said okay, there is no refund and you've lost your session.

00:21:02.857 --> 00:21:12.861
Yeah, commitment is one of the things that it's important for people to achieve what they want to create with me in it so they can achieve their goals.

00:21:14.032 --> 00:21:15.037
Yeah, that's awesome.

00:21:15.037 --> 00:21:17.776
I appreciate it and everything you said is so true.

00:21:17.776 --> 00:21:22.660
So, with this being Valentine's Day, what can you tell that sweetheart?

00:21:22.660 --> 00:21:23.602
That you're a sweetheart.

00:21:24.210 --> 00:21:29.250
That as soon as you have to be a sweetheart to yourself, fast, as soon as you have to be a sweetheart to yourself, fast.

00:21:29.250 --> 00:21:36.710
And this is something like lots of people that they don't have a partner, they suffer from it and they say, oh, why am I alone?

00:21:36.710 --> 00:21:43.730
Listen, I am with my husband, we're not going to go anywhere, we're not going to buy chocolate for each other, we're not going to buy it.

00:21:43.730 --> 00:21:46.127
He is my flower, he is my chocolate.

00:21:46.127 --> 00:21:47.484
Just to be with him is beautiful.

00:21:49.263 --> 00:21:59.692
But even when we weren't together and he was the Valentine's Day, valentine is just a hallmark for people to sell the restaurants and the food and the chocolate and the flower.

00:21:59.692 --> 00:22:02.747
So don't get depressed because you're by yourself.

00:22:02.747 --> 00:22:05.886
Count your blessings that you're by yourself.

00:22:05.886 --> 00:22:24.123
But when you want to have a relationship and you don't know what to do one of the things I'm offering actually, because right now is the 6th of February, so for the rest of the month of February, in honor of Valentine's, I am offering three single hours.

00:22:24.123 --> 00:22:27.451
That needs to be end by end of February.

00:22:27.451 --> 00:22:47.030
I'm offering three hours worth of $100 total for coaching and helping the individuals to find themselves fast, and that's my gift to them that I offer that for this month.

00:22:48.903 --> 00:22:52.607
And that's the end of the month, so tell us how they can get in touch with you.

00:22:52.607 --> 00:22:54.185
Tell us your social media handle.

00:22:54.800 --> 00:22:56.463
You can always.

00:22:56.463 --> 00:23:02.055
I have no problem giving my phone number out 310-890-2438.

00:23:02.055 --> 00:23:09.550
, and you can always put it on the comment and they email me, fari at FariTransformationcom.

00:23:09.550 --> 00:23:16.771
They can always go to my website and also put my link trade that you can share with them.

00:23:16.771 --> 00:23:21.309
I'm on Instagram, facebook, linkedin, all the social media.

00:23:21.309 --> 00:23:22.903
The best of it is that.

00:23:22.903 --> 00:23:33.970
Just email me, fari at FariTransformation, or give me a bus and, as I said, my website, wwwfaritransformation.

00:23:33.970 --> 00:23:41.846
One word, no space FariTransformationcom, and we can take it from there and help you that way.

00:23:42.969 --> 00:23:44.211
Awesome, awesome.

00:23:44.211 --> 00:23:45.273
I really enjoyed you.

00:23:45.273 --> 00:23:47.644
It was a good knowledge that you shared with us.

00:23:47.644 --> 00:23:48.404
Thank you so much.

00:23:48.404 --> 00:23:50.709
Thanks, forget about my book, yeah.

00:23:50.950 --> 00:23:52.813
I'm not sure I'm unstoppable.

00:23:52.813 --> 00:23:53.835
It's the book.

00:23:53.835 --> 00:24:09.605
It was a bunch of ladies like me, who's who've been through so much turmoil and decided all of us to write a chapter and make this book and, based on what we did in life and what we accomplished, were a bunch of unstoppable ladies.

00:24:09.605 --> 00:24:20.851
So I have a chapter in this, page 107, and I wrote shortly about my story and then, because of it, it has encouraged me to write my own book this year.

00:24:20.851 --> 00:24:31.333
So the book is called Unstoppable and, yeah, it's on Kindle right now, I think for $0.99, and it aimed best seller and it was early.

00:24:31.333 --> 00:24:32.174
That's awesome.

00:24:32.736 --> 00:24:33.917
And I think I already have it.

00:24:33.917 --> 00:24:34.839
I did get it on Kindle.

00:24:34.839 --> 00:24:36.346
I have it, so I definitely got to read this.

00:24:36.346 --> 00:24:45.664
So, before we thank you so much for joining us on this special episode of Race that Collaborate Art of Relationships.

00:24:45.664 --> 00:25:00.970
Now, please make sure that you subscribe and follow, because we got more of these relationship coaches as far as just the beginning, but we're going to have so many more ladies on here to really give us some insight on what we're doing.

00:25:00.970 --> 00:25:06.531
So make sure you subscribe, make sure you share already set, collaborate, want the Pearson.

00:25:06.531 --> 00:25:13.227
I hope to see you soon and we'll be broadcasting on tomorrow Actually, tomorrow, not tomorrow.

00:25:13.227 --> 00:25:17.932
So we're seven and Forte the 21st and the 28th of February.

00:25:17.932 --> 00:25:23.132
So this is our special edition for Ready Set Collaborate the Art of Relationships.

00:25:23.132 --> 00:25:26.082
Thank you so much again, farri, I appreciate you being on.

00:25:26.082 --> 00:25:28.165
Thank you, yeah, you're having me this.

00:25:28.165 --> 00:25:30.369
That was wonderful, thank you.

00:25:30.450 --> 00:25:36.250
Thank you so much Thank you for tuning into this episode of Ready Set Collaborate.

00:25:36.250 --> 00:25:47.074
For more information about the host head to WDPearsonAssociatescom and that's P-E-A-R-S-O-N.

00:25:47.074 --> 00:25:48.567
Want to connect?

00:25:48.567 --> 00:26:02.765
Send an email to Wanda at WDPearsonAssociatescom and, as always, stay tuned for the next episode of Ready Set Collaborate.

Transforming Childhood Chaos into Relationship Wisdom with Fari Gonzaque

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