A Star Is Born With Kaytie Kellaway

spk_0:   0:03
I'm Kerry Brett and you're listening to Shot@Love. Isn't it time you took a shot at love? Took a shot on yourself? Believe you are worthy of true love. Is there a more effective way to date? Can you find love? Hell yeah and I'm gonna show you how it's done? I'm Kerry Brett. And today we have Katie Kellaway, my friend, who's an actress and model. She lives in Boston now, but she's newly back from L. A. Welcome.

spk_1:   0:34
Thank you. Thanks for having me. 

spk_0:   0:36
I’m so excited that you're here. We met last year. Basically, I was doing some guerrilla marketing where I was running through bars with fliers from my Swiping Soirée and breaking into nice apartment buildings and putting my Swiping Soiree flyer’s in the laundry room. Those guerrilla marketing efforts were a little extreme, but in my efforts to meet young people so that it could have all the seats filled, I met you through a mutual friend and we had a great time that night and I asked you if you come to the Swiping Soirée that I was having at the Revere Hotel in Boston and you came and you sat in the front row and you actually took notes, which we have today, which is so incredible. So you took it upon yourself, which I think is so courageous to try something new, to show up in a hotel and take a seat and to see what I had to say. You were in a place in your life that I didn't know at the time actually needed this information. So take me back to what was happening in your life that you ended up back in Boston.

spk_1:   1:48
Okay, Um, so, as you know, I was living out in LA for about nine years. I went to school out there and then stayed for a while, working in the industry, trying to act and do some modeling. When I met you, I had just moved back to Boston because I had gotten out of a really bad toxic relationship. And I just want to be with my family and have some support. And, you know, I was just so tired of the patterns that I had out there. I was always going for the wrong kind of guy. I realized I was going for, you know, the big shot. Um, really good looking celebrity type guy. And, when I got home, I was just, you know, I was like, I'm just done. I need to change my patterns. And I sort of gave up for a while and just didn't date anyone for a little while. And then when I met you and I heard that you had this whole program going on, I was really inspired because I know that you went through similar experiences is me. And you worked in the industry as well. So I felt like I could relate to you, Um, in a lot of ways. And if there was anyone that I was gonna trust for dating advice, it was you. So I was really excited to come and hear what you had to say. 

spk_0:   3:00
Oh, that's so great. What were some of the key takeaways that you felt were most valuable in my seminar?

spk_1:   3:06
I think the biggest thing was there were two things for me. One was the kind of guy that I'm looking for because clearly I had bad taste in that, the other thing was having a good relationship with yourself because all the times will go for the wrong people because we don't feel good about who we are. And, I think everyone suffers from that. No matter how we appear on the outside, whether you're a photographer, a model, whether you're you know anything, right? Everyone sometimes suffers from self esteem issues. And I think that's what was leading me to the wrong person. And you talked a lot about that. Um, and you had a few quotes that resonated with me.

spk_0:   3:47
You know, I looked at this gorgeous 27 year old model actress and you know, people think, How could this model have these relationships that don't work out for almost a decade in L. A. And they don't think it's gonna happen to you. You know, they think you can have whoever you want. And they don't understand that when things don't work out that that turns inward. That's the most common thing that women do! Whether you're a celebrity photographer or a model, a nanny, whatever, whatever, your job that’s the only thing I could think. Whatever your your profession is, wherever background you come from, these kind of unhealthy relationships with the highs and the lows are an epidemic almost. I mean, so here I am saying, this was my life. This is my story. I keep pulling in these guys who were good looking tall. Ah, you know, whatever. There is always something that was very superficial and that was all on my doing. I thought I could use my expertise and photography, and I knew what to look for. And actually, I had to have this. I call it my Quasimodo moment, where I went to spring training with my mentor, Jeff Lubin, and he said to me very clearly after the shoot that I had just finished. He said, you know, Kerry, this is all your doing. These relationships that you're having on Tinder that aren't working out is the direct response of how you feel about yourself. And I don't know how you got here to be feeling like this about yourself, but I have news for you. There's not a goddamn thing wrong with you. It's the people that you're pulling it. I had to sit with that and really, like, sit with him, yelling at me, someone. I valued his information. You know, I value his friendship, and I know that he had my best interests at heart. I had to really hear him when he said that to me that this is these relationships didn't work out because there's something wrong with you. You're not choosing the right people. So he said, When you go home, I want you to swipe right on Quasimodo, which is you know, it's funny. I used it in my seminar, but that when I came home, I swiped right on Scott and his brother. That's what it was. A photograph of Scott and his brother. They were both cute. One of them went to American University and lived in Marshfield, which was 13 miles from where I was. Both, had a nice open smile. And I'm being open. I used to swipe right, I call it like my ultimate babe swipe right guy. You know, the the one that you don't every text when he texts you. You know, you give it a little extra time before you get back to him. The more you like him, then the more you hold out, um, you know, hold off without response. But when you heard that story, what effect did that story have on you about Scott?

spk_1:   7:17
It really resonated with me because I feel like, we always go for superficial things. And I feel like a lot of women we have this list of what we want. And instead of just going with the flow and feeling the natural chemistry of, somebody, you're kind of making it checklist and make it like a business transaction. And the checklist that I wanted I didn't realize wasn't what was right for me. I wasn't really paying attention to the chemistry and recognizing that maybe the person was bad for me. And like you said, I was kind of reverting to self blame for everything that wasn't working out. I was with, like, a certain guy, and I'd tell myself like, well if I just do this, then he’ll like me more if you know, there's all these little like games that we play and all these things we try to do to fix things and hold on to people and, like, maybe they will keep it going for a little bit longer. But obviously, if you have to try that hard and dissect something, it's just it's not meant to be.

spk_0:   8:14
Right. So Natalie Lue, who's one of my favorite authors. She wrote this book called Mr Unavailable in the Fall Back Girl, and it's just unbelievable. She's wonderful writer, and she posted on Instagram yesterday something that said, If you're continuously having to bring the horse to water, it's not gonna work. So if you have constantly have to be jumping through hoops and ore anxiety ridden. You have this great quote, tell me the quote you have.

spk_1:   8:46
The person you're meant to be with shouldn't cause you anxiety. They should be the one that ease’s your anxiety right. And that's the change that I had to make.

spk_0:   8:56
Right. So, you know, I used to joke and say, I don't really care that he looks like Tom Brady. You know, he's not that that's not attractI’ve to me. And I mean, God love Tom Brady mean the's a god here in Boston. But I just felt like I wanted someone who I had my back, you know, who supported me, who I could trust,  have stability, you know. I remember a had a ruptured just for three months, and he drove me every day to get the help that I needed. That is really attractive to me. I had to change what was important. That big change was one of the big changes in you. That what you were swiping on was really, superficial, You know, maybe you can talk about that.

spk_1:   9:53
Yeah, exactly. Um, same thing for me. I just finally was, fed up with all the pain and heartbreak from this certain type of guy that I was going for.  I shifted my perspective and kind of thought about your relationship with Scott the whole time. And I remember that quote like, you just wanted someone that had your back. Ultimately, And I think our generation is so addicted to the thrill and we want that passion that we see in movies and all the times that passion comes with a lot of problems and toxicity. And I was done with the addiction to the highs and lows. I don't want that anymore. And I decided, I want someone that really had my back. It's like my best friend and I realized, When you're with the right guy, you don't have to overthink it. You don't have to dissect it. It just flows naturally. And that passion builds in time.  They don't need to sweep you off your feet, have to be all crazy and fly you to different countries.

spk_0:   10:45
That's why they call it a movie. My life is more like a bad after school special. Ah, not anymore. But you know, that's the brainwashing that we get from Disney movies. You know, someday your prince will come. Will I have a 1,000,000 friends who are single and they prefer to be single, so that's been taught to us. Finally, I I think I told you that that I have to figure out if it's correct, but I remember being at Disney on Ice getting divorced. My daughter was seeing one princess after another singing some day your prince will come and I was getting so mad. And I thought, I'm not gonna teach this to my daughter. That's not the measurement of one's life that someday a prince is goin to ride  up on a white horse. And, uh, I had to laugh because by the time my godchild was now, going to watch a Disney movie, In the movie Frozen she ends up not with the prince, she ends up with the the guy on the donkey, and I just thought they're getting it now. Like this is so great. But, you know, it was the guy on the donkey all along. That was one who was watching out for her. So this is all good. We're gonna take a break right now, and we'll be back. Here are today's Tinderder tips: 1. Always having to question things or feeling anxiety ridden in a relationship isn't love. The person you love shouldn't be causing anxiety. They should be taking the anxiety away. 2. Chin up or the crown slips. 3. Life is full of things not working out. If things don't work out, it's for your greater good. Whatever you do, do not turn that inward on yourself. 4. Pick yourself up and show up for yourself. There is no force more powerful than a woman who is determined to rise. If Katie and I could do it, you can, too. 5. Men are like buses. There's another one around the corner. If it doesn't work out next back to the bus stop.

spk_0:   13:24
 Today's bonus Tinder Tip. The lessons of your past bring you to where you are meant to be today. I promise your next chapter is going to be amazing!

spk_0:   13:35
We’re back with Kayte Kellaway. So, Kayte we have talked about unhealthy relationships that we were co dependent in that lifestyle of highs and lows, if you don't see the inner beauty of yourself that you can attract different people that they're coming in for the wrong reasons and that when you're in that place emotionally, that could be a slippery, slippery slope for sure.  I want you to paint the scene from L. A vs Boston because I've never dated in LA and I’m interested in what that was like.

spk_1:   14:26
You know, it's just a completely different world out there. Everyone kind of moves out there on their own. No one's really actually from there. So I moved out there when I was 18. Um, and I had no family, no real friends and started working in the industry after a few years of doing college out there. And, um, you know, your whole everyday existence is seeking approval, trying to get casted for this and booked for that. And you're blaming yourself. You're your own worst critic. You're trying to figure out what you can fix about yourself to get better, so that whole way of thinking kind of sticks with you and it carries on into dating, Where you kind of blame yourself for everything, and you have a low sense of self worth, even though we're all putting on characters and acting like the most confident, radiant people. When you go home at night, you kind of secretly feel awful about yourself, and you don't have that foundation of family or anybody to make you feel about her. You're kind of going home to an apartment alone, and I think in L. A, that whole lifestyle causes a lot of people to fall into,  co dependent toxic relationships, because you're kind of trying to fill a void, and maybe it's with the wrong person. But, you kind of feel so lonely that you just endure maybe the worst things,

spk_0:   15:47
So if I don't have this relationship, if I don't have him, then I can't withstand on my own. The photograph world is very similar in the sense where  you're only as good as your next cover. Otherwise, you're kind of, you know, people forget about it, You become yesterday's news. I see so much of me in you where I have to have this level of, um, you know, perfection to be successful and, what that does. Then if you have a series of heart,breaks over and over again, in your case over a decade of time, you start to think, well, maybe this has to do with me. But I think what we were looking for was the wrong thing. I think we needed to stop looking for things that we had pulled in in the past. And I always say in my seminar that women are looking for Superman every single day, yet they walk by Clarke Kent. Katie, I want to talk about hitting rock bottom and how you pulled yourself out from it. What happened in LA? That where some of the events that led you to coming back to Boston.

spk_1:   17:08
Okay, well, you know, it's a different animal out there. Um, of course, because I was spending time working in the industry. I was dating guys that were in it, Um, few actors in particular, Um, and the way that things ended, we're just a little too much for me. One of them, actually, we're dating for a few months, and, I found out through the tabloids that he actually had a different girlfriend. Hey, he was pretending to be this great guy. Telling the media, You know, I found this new girlfriend for seven months. It's such like a beautiful, stable relationship. Meanwhile, he was at my house literally two weeks before, and it just kind of all made sense. So there's a lot of like dishonesty and cheating and all of that out there. And I didn't like that light coming from Boston. I think people have a high moral standard. There's a lot of family values, and I didn't get that over there. Then I da Ted another guy that,  the whole swept me off my feet brought me on vacation. He convinced me that he wasn't with his long term girlfriend that I was convinced he was with because it had been in the media and in the tabloids and everything. And, um so I kind of gave in. We like, spent, like, couple months dating. And then all of a sudden, I'm watching the Oscars, and he's literally sitting with the girlfriend that he told me he wasn't dating anymore. I had just gone with him on vacation like the weekend before, and she must have been in New York filming or something. So that ended, like so I basically just stopped trusting men all together, especially actors like love actors. But I wasn't trying to date them anymore. And then, I got into this long term relationship with my boyfriend of four years. My ex boyfriend of four years, and, he was just really controlling. And it was like a really toxic like we talked about the highs and lows we were very co dependent. Either of us had family out there, and, I couldn't pull myself out of it. It was like I was telling you before it felt like, almost like a heroin addiction. Like people get addicted to alcohol, you get addicted to the rush of someone that's very passionate, but sometimes the fighting can be just as passionate, and it can get really unhealthy. And, I didn't feel like I had the strength of my own to get away from it.  I came home to visit my family in Boston. And you know how Bostonians are, right? They don't play around. So, I get a call from my ex boyfriend saying, where’s our furniture? He went to work one day, and my little brother, who was living out there at the time I had my spare key him, my two other brothers and my dad, without telling me, moved my entire apartment out from L. A shipped back to Boston and signed a lease in Boston, so I literally had no choice. It's awesome. I never went back. I came back here and I was like, You know what? This is my one opportunity. I'm going to start over. I'm done with the toxicity. I need to focus on myself and get myself into a good place. And instead of being mad at them for moving me back here, I was like, you know what? I'm grateful these people care about me. And this is a sign from the universe.

spk_0:   20:20
Yeah, that's pretty much a sign. It’s not like finding a penny on the road. That’s a pretty strong sign. My family definitely intervened as well. I think it's really hard for families when they see their child suffering. And, um, it's like I said, it's very common, and it's how you pointed out. It's more common with millennials, and there's no information. No one's talking about it. So back to May last year, the two of us are out in Boston. We call in one of your best friend's mom. She's gonna help you get a job simultaneously. I helped her find love through the program that I created basically for her. Um, she encouraged me so much and so we are out  in Boston she's pitching you opportunities for a job. I'm pitching you new opportunities for love while pitching my Swiping Soirée, which is a program that encourages and teaches women to become rock stars on Tinder that I host either at my studio or conference centers or hotels. I feel so compelled because I have the information and I am helping people  have success. So you start to, open up your mind, change your mindset, show up at the seminar and really change pretty quickly and tell me what happens from there.

spk_1:   22:05
 I took a lot of notes when I was there, and I think I was the only person doing it, But I didn't really care right, because you were saying so many quality things and there is a pad of paper in front of me. So I just started going for it and some people laughed at me, but I didn't really care.

spk_1:   22:23
I actually brought them here today. If you want to read them.

spk_0:   22:26
Yeah, let's read through them. I think that would be great. You know, it's why the notebooks were there. You were in the front row, but you were serious. You wanted to change what you were doing. And so you felt compelled enough to have a note pad with all these notes and save them after all this time.  I didn't know  at the time that would be a podcast. Obviously, I was just doing these seminars because I felt compelled too. So tell me some of the things that you wrote down, I might just comment on them.

spk_1:   23:02
Okay, Chin up or the crown slips.

spk_0:   23:06
Okay, that's pretty self explanatory. 

spk_1:   23:11
Be easy breezy. I thought that was really important.

spk_0:   23:14
Right? So easy breezy is, that was a big one for me, because really nothing about me is easy breezy. I'm pretty focused on my career and I don't have a lot of time. I was a single mom. I do have a fun personality, and I think I'm a good time to be around, but when you're dating, sometimes you have to be a little bit different version of yourself. Because sending these light texts that are easy breezy that aren't putting a gun to someone's head. You're just kind of like, Hey, happy Friday. You know, like, that's not really me. Like I'm always, like, you know, very tasks driven. So you have to play this game, and you have to pretend if you're not that way and you're serious as a heart attack like I am, you kinda have to soften edges a little bit.

spk_1:   24:19
Yeah, I agree.  I'm also like, a very passionate, energetic person. And I think when I heard that, I realized, I need to not overwhelm people,

spk_0:   24:30
Right. I'm the little much. Yeah, I’m basically a 10. I need to take it down to a five. 

spk_1:   24:35
Yeah, just be a little chill. Don't freak them out. Right. Um, the other one was enjoy the silence. Disappear. Make him miss. You don't try and fix their silence. That one's so big.

spk_0:   24:48
Okay, so going silent. This is what men do when they think they have you. So tso can play at this game. We disappear. We don't send them a bunch of tex’s over sending tex’s because we're fear baseed because we don't hear from them. They don't write us because they are testing us so we can't fall. We can't fall apart at the seams, and we can't lose our composure.

spk_1:   25:20
So true, it really works, too. The ones that are interested will come back around. 

spk_0:   25:31
Theoretically it goes back to how you get the power back right? You disappear. Crickets. I'm gone

spk_1:   25:38
Ant they get so confused when you do it.

spk_0:   25:40
Because no one does it. No one has the strength to beat them at their own game.

spk_1:   25:46
Right? And my thing was always, like, be a good enough presence in their life. When you're around that they will want to come back. If you're just like ordinary and aren't really doing it, if you're replaceable than they will just kind of disappear, you know? B

spk_0:   26:03
But Katie, you're a model. Do you own a mirror in your home. 

spk_1:   26:09
There’s a lot of models out there. Trust me, you'd be surprised it doesn't do much for you.

spk_0:   26:13
 I'm on the other side of the camera. You know, I just think you you have to own your value and they will come around because there's only one Kayte Kellaway on Tinder. There's only one you! That‘s it! There was only one me. So you have to remember that. Yeah, and people forget that.

spk_1:   26:41
Yeah, and that's true. That goes with the other ones I wrote. Which was what you put in your mind can make sabotage your future.

spk_0:   26:49
Your mind it's definitely key. You have to have a winning mindset. Men like positive winners. If you don't feel like a positive winner, you need to pretend that you're positive winner. Think glass half full.

spk_1:   27:08
Very true yourself beyond all things, choose people who choose you.

spk_0:   27:14
Yeah, choose people who choose you is,  I have this thing that I say thou shall not deal with inconsistent people. 

spk_1:   27:27
So true it should come naturally. Totally. Um, this one I love. Show yourself with your girlfriends. Busy, living a fun, healthy life.

spk_0:   27:37
Busy, busy, busy having fun, fun, fun. It's great. I mean, we're that's the best way, you know, to kind of put them on notice to go out and live your life. And if they're going to rise up and be in your life, that's the last time you're going out having a girls night at the end of the day. Kayet, you were the one willing to do the work. You were the one who was willing to come to my Swiping Soiree, to show up, to pick up a notebook to fill that notebook with notes,  leave to make changes, to look outside the exterior. You were willing to open up and be open to new possibilities. And it wasn't your agent. It wasn't your brother's. It wasn't your co workers. It was you who got yourself there. And now you're in this, amazing relationship that you're so happy. And that's the true measure of a success story if I've ever heard one. So I'm so excited. This is great.

spk_1:   28:40
Thank you. Yeah, it's crazy to think like how my life was then versus now.  I think we are in control of our own lives even though it doesn't feel like it sometimes. So coming back to Boston was great. I just kind of spent all my time working on myself and working. Keepin myself busy. And in that process, I met a really great guy, and I think he saw that I was in such a good place of myself that, I think it was attractive to him. Um, neither of us were super clinging. We’re not dependent on each other. It was just very healthy. It started out as friends, and I'd never had that before. I was used to just diving in head first having all the crazy passion which doesn't usually end up very well, right? So it was nice. Um, and you know, he just of all people I've dated just is definitely It just feels like he really has my back. He really likes me for who I am. It's not for superficial reasons. I really like him for who he is,  and it's just  so different. But I think that's what I needed all along. I just didn't realize it.

spk_0:   29:48
That’s what love looks like. You know, that's the thing. So I'm really happy that you found love and thank you so much for being on the show. I just absolutely adore you.  

spk_1:   29:59
Thank you so much for having me and for helping me.

spk_0:   30:02
Thank you so much for bringing the notes. That's so meaningful. Awesome. Thanks for listening!