Date Around The World Using Tinder Passport While Saying Oui To Yourself With Victoria Weston

I'm Kerry Brett, and this is Shot@Love. The first motivational show around online dating. When your world is rocked with the betrayal that involves your husband dating sites and your close friend, you have two choices to become bitter or better. Today's guest Victoria Weston didn't let what happened to her define her. Not only did she take this life defining moment to become fabulous. She used this opportunity to help show others the way. When one woman succeeds, we all succeed. Today's episode is an inspiring one and Victoria is going to motivate us to live our best life. You won't want to miss it. So stay tuned.[inaudible] Let me introduce Victoria Weston. Victoria is a community fundraising coordinator for a nonprofit called homes for our troops, which builds and donates specially adapted custom homes nationwide for severely injured, post 9/11 veterans to enable them to rebuild their lives. She's our previous guests, Dr. Tricia Rose‘s oldest childhood friend, and Tricia is a huge supporter of Victoria. After spending time with her, I certainly know why. She's a modern day, Samantha, from Sex In The City and lives life on her own terms. Victoria ended up moving to Boston to start over after leaving her husband, but didn't allow a devastating heartbreak to define her. She used that time to work on herself, empower others, and couldn't be happier. Victoria is currently developing a website and writing a tell all book called Victoria's Other Secrets. Today, I welcome Victoria Weston. She's kind powerful and a badass. Hi Victoria. Thanks so much for being here.

Hi Kerry, Thank you so much for inviting me. What an honor it is to be on this great show of yours.

Oh please. All my honor. I'm so excited you’re here Victoria. Let's get right into it. Let's talk about why you inspire me so much. Let's go back to this life defining moment that catapulted you to this point in your life. So five years ago, you get a text while sitting at the doctor's office with your husband on your 12th wedding anniversary from a woman you haven't spoken to in three years, what did the text say?

It said, hi, Victoria. I hope you're doing well, Garrett and I are going through a divorce and that's why I'm on dating sites. Are you still married? Because your husband's on Tinder. I hope this message doesn't offend you.

So at that point, did you like put down the people magazine, you were reading and start beating him with it, or I'm sure you were in shock.

I was in complete shock. And the first thing I did is write back to her right away and said, thank you for letting me know what you found out last night. And then I put my phone down and then I grabbed it back again because my heart was like, Oh gosh, you weren't very kind to her what she's going through. So then I wrote, I hope you're okay. And I just kind of sat there through that doctor's appointment with my ex and just was like, it's kind of bringing me back in that moment. Just kind of shocked. So I waited u ntil after the appointment was over and we were out in the waiting area c ause we were with my s tep d aughter and she was away from us. And so I asked him about it and his facial color changed. I knew right away he was lying and he denied it. So I thank goodness. I thought of this little fib and I said to him, well, you've got about five seconds to come clean because she screenshotted your account last night and I'm going to see it. And he admitted it and said, Oh, it's only been a couple months. So I was like, devastated, laughed, crying, left them there. I went home and I had copies of all the passwords to our accounts and his accounts. Unfortunately it had given him time to like wipe things out. But I started going through my phone and looking at his accounts and while I couldn't see anything, any communication he'd had with other women, I could definitely tell from emails that he had been on at least for dating websites for two years.

Wow. So you got to give the credit to that woman and she's definitely a good Samaritan. And I, I think we should buy her a gift certificate to Victoria secret, but she was very kind to reach out and I, that's not an easy thing to do. And it's amazing how we find these horrifying things, but in the end, it's the best thing that ever happened. And it's awful finding out the truth, but it's so much better than living in the dark.

Absolutely. And anytime I come across other women that have come across this sort of horrible information that think it's not any of their business to get involved. I encourage them that as being part of a sacred sisterhood of womanhood, it is girl code to get involved because at the end of the day, the woman that learns the information, it's her choice of what she's going to do about it. But if she doesn't know what's going on, she can't make that choice.

Right. And plus, why would she want to go out with him while he's still married?

Right. Well, usually women will be like, why I've ended it with'em, but it's like, but that's not it. You should tell the other woman, because not only is it mentally, it could be physically detrimental to her too. If he's not using protection, there's so many reasons why it is up to us when we learn this horrible information to share that. And then it's the woman's choice, what she's going to do with that information. So

Two years on four different dating sites, and he's doing this because wait for it, he didn't think he would get caught. That sounds about right. But you know, now you are trying to figure out, are you going to leave him? And you go to visit your friend Tricia up in Boston. And what I mean, it would have been, I guess, in your mind, you had 12 years of marriage and it would have been easier maybe to forgive him. I'm just running through the scenario in your head. What happens next after this Boston trip? So I actually

Wasn't sure what I was going to do because I think I forgot to tell you probably an important piece of information that left me, why I stayed with someone that treated me so poorly. I'd been married once before and he cheated on me. So in my mind when this second thing happened, I wasn't sure I was going to leave because I didn't want to be a statistic. And I can remember Tricia telling me that doesn't matter. And we had another friend with us and they were both like that doesn't matter. And I was really grappling with that because I had had struggles throughout the marriage of him treating me poorly. And I honestly thought society would look at me differently. And it's only been in probably the last year and a half that I've been able to talk about the fact that I'd been married once before a long time ago for 18 months. But it was my beautiful, wonderful mother who is, was in her eighties at the time. She's been married to my dad for 60 some years. And I'm crying to her about how, I don't know if I can leave my ex cause I don't want to be a statistic. My mom says to me on the phone, she lives in Florida. She was like, honey girl. That's what she calls me, honey girl, honey girl, if you want to be the Elizabeth Taylor of this Western family, then that's what you're going to be. And I don't care how many times it takes you to find love. You are not going to stay with a man that treats you poorly and we will love you through it. And having my mom say that to me from this Catholic woman, who's never been divorced. She's never, nobody in her family has been divorced. And now she's going to have a daughter that's divorced twice was very empowering.

Definitely. And it doesn't matter how many times you fall down and get up to get it right? The point is you get it right. And you leave when someone's cheating. That's it's just not right. So you said before the portrayal alters your DNA and those are pretty powerful statement. And I think my DNA is probably pretty altered, but um, so you said your, your ex broke you wide open, but you continued to do the work on yourself. And what happened to you in the past, never leaves you. But if you talk about it, you can move forward and become the happiest you've ever been in your life. And you mentioned to me that within our population of acquaintances or close friends, they'll always be that one person who unknowingly judges or tires of our unfortunate situation and you lost everything. And because of that painful experience, you say you would never judge another woman.

Absolutely. I definitely prior to this happening, I was one of those women that used to say, if my husband cheated, I would leave because I had done it before I left. However, I was adamant and I couldn't understand why people left or didn't leave, excuse me. And then after going through this and it was so difficult to leave. I mean, it's, you know, it's excruciating to leave. You lose everything and you have to start over and you're broken. I honestly would never judge a woman for staying

And neither would I, and I was just gonna bring that up. I know a lot of people that there has been a situation of cheating and for various reasons, they decide to work it out, go to counseling. They want to keep their family together. And I that's their personal decision. Absolutely. And believe me, I have close friends and um, lots of clients, you know, it happens all the time and everyone's choice is their choice. And I really feels very strongly about that. And there's no shame in, in that. And there's everyone's situation is their individual choice. So I definitely want to say that, but for you, your choice was, this was not workable right. This guy. And tell me why it was not workable. Cause you found something out when you went home from Boston.

So when I went home from Boston, um, to visit, to go home, I mean, I already had known he was doing all this and then to make matters worse. I find out that my closest friend in Florida moves in to the home that I still owned with him before I even filed for divorce is his girlfriend. The one of the girls that I called sobbing the day I found out he was on Tinder.

She's totally single white female.

She is broken because like I had said to you before healthy, happy women do not do that. Now I'm able to say that now because I've done all the work. If we would have had this podcast four years ago, my language would have been much more colorful as to who I thought she was

Right there. You can see the growth for sure. So it's definitely, um, it's hard to stay and it's equally hard to leave in Dakota line from my new Netflix binge, the Indian matchmaker relationships are so fragile that they're breaking like biscuits. I see relationships grumbling all around from this pandemic and people are definitely hitting their breaking point. And I think it's essential to be so supportive of people who know they need to get out of their current situation, but don't know how to make that happen. And what would your advice be to that person?

I would totally ask them to reach out to the people that they trust the most and talk about it with them. But at the end of the day, you have to follow your gut instinct. Cause like we had mentioned before about, there's always that one friend in your circle that thinks differently than you. You have to follow your own gut instinct and you have to know what's best for you. And once you make that decision, you can't look back and you can't let other people influence you as to how long it should be taking you to grieve because of divorce or a longterm breakup is a living death. Exactly. It's a living death. And so we have to get through that. And so I would encourage women to really dig deep and learn what makes them happy and figure out their value. And if they don't know what that is, then reach out to their close friends, reach out to their family members or find a group in the town or city they live in. Maybe that doesn't know anything about their situation, just so they can have that support system. Because without that support system, it is so difficult to survive these breakups and, or it's difficult to even make the choice to leave. Cause if you have kids or you don't know what you're going to do, it is really scary. But at the end of the day, every single one of us is worth. I happy life. I mean, we're goddesses as women. We just don't know that yet. Or we don't understand it. We are literally goddesses,

Right? So this is, we have to do a part two. If they, because you have to treat, do you have to teach a lot of women how to love themselves, which you know, you can tell you've done a lot of work on yourself and it's pretty impressive. So thank you. So, so now we're going to take us back to you. Leave, you know, your friend, your very close friend is now living in your home with your husband and you're getting divorced. You leave Florida, lots of changes your backup in Boston. And you have, you know, the support of a good friend and you're looking for a job. And at that time, the holidays are around the corner and you know, you can't handle the holidays alone and I don't blame you. So you book a trip alone to Paris for nine nights. We, we, uh, total Cameron Diaz moved from the movie holiday and you're so depressed on the trip. You think you'll just sleep the whole trip away, but you have almost an, a spiritual awakening. What happens on this trip?

You know, it's interesting that you said the holiday because that's actually where I got the idea from. Oh, and I had never told you that

I'll, I'll be honest divorces. We watch the same films, actually all in the halls, right? So

I go over to Paris and I had actually just spent in England first, prior to going to Paris where England is like, so London is happy. I get where they say, happy Christmas, it's beautiful. They're speaking English. So I go to Paris and they're not speaking English, which as an arrogant American, why would I think they would? But except that I was being an arrogant American. So I get there and they're not speaking English, no one in my hotel can speak English. And so I'm kind of just lost. I really am very lost. So Christmas Eve morning wakes up and I'm sleeping, crying. Both can't believe I'm away from my family, my friends, Trisha, it offered for me to be with her friends offered. I could have gone home to my family. So at one point I was like, well, I'm just going to sleep this way. Cause I can't handle the pain. And I remember laying there thinking, if you sleep this the way, this is your dream trip, you've wanted it since you were a little girl, you're going to be so much worse off mentally. When you go home, you can't even comprehend how bad it's going to be. So I forced myself to get up and shower and I was drawn to Notredame. I'd always thought I would go to Christmas Eve, midnight mass at Notre Dame. So I made my way over to that part and had a little meltdown on the way. Cause naively, I thought I could just maneuver the Metro system. Like I could a subway in New York or anywhere else in the United States or here. And then I couldn't at first, but I figured it out. And I got there. I was there for hours and hours and the first service was around six 30. It was a family service. And, and then I walked around during that. And then there was an eight o'clock service and I already could feel lighter because of the incense and the candles. And it just was so beautiful and everything is in French though. They don't have a English translation, all the carols earn French as well. But you can tell what they are. You could, you could understand it was silent night or angels. We have heard on high, which is my favorite. Beautiful. So we get to be it's time for midnight mass. And I get a seat about 15 rows up from the front and I'm on the outside. And by this point I'm much happier. It's like nine 30 at night and starting to fill up and by 10 o'clock, the priest starts walking through and he's talking to everybody in French and he comes to me and I just kind of go like this and said, I speak English. I don't know what I thought I was. And he was like, Oh, where are you from? And I said, Boston, and he could speak English. And he'd been here to church in Boston. He gave me a hug and I was like, Oh, and then time went on. And all the carols were in French and it gets to be about midnight mass and right about right at midnight mass. When it's about to start, I might get choked up. They start playing my favorite Christmas Carol angels. We have heard on high and both times I'd heard it before it was in French. This was the only Carol. They played all night long in English. And at that moment I always was a believer. But at that moment, like I'm an unequivocal believer in God in the universe because I truly felt like God was telling me at that moment, put it behind you. You don't have to be depressed anymore. I have you, you need to move forward and you need to let this go. And so it was like, it was so life changing to me. I woke up rock bottom, the worst day of my life. And I literally went to bed the happiest moment of my life, right? This is a beautiful, beautiful story. And you have to hold on to those little triumphs, but you took action. You, you took action and you were like, I'm gonna get up. Action creates reaction. You know, you have to help yourself. Absolutely God helps those who help themselves. So when we come back, we're going to talk about Victoria's wild and crazy dating stories. And about her new book that she's writing, that it will empower others.

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Welcome back. So Victoria, you have all of your friends, myself included, laughing with all these wild stories of dating and this kind of became your creative spark and you started writing a book Victoria's other secrets to empower others. And it's so amazing. Tell us a little bit about your website and the book that you've been inspired to write. So after coming on the dating scene, again, it was kind of shocking because I'd been with my ex for almost 14 years, if you include the years that we weren't married. So been the only man I'd been with or dated. And so I tried my hand at dating gentlemen, my age, which I'm in my forties and there just wasn't a spark there. So I just kind of decided to just go lower in age. And the next thing you know, I like really found myself really attracted to men. And I there's one in particular there's many, but there's one in particular that helped bring me back to life. It was the first person I had been with after my divorce. He was 22 when I was 43. And he's like my, some of my closest friends call my divorce angel Trisha's even met him before because he, this guy I'm sure had ulterior motives of what he was looking for with an older woman. But the next thing you know, he's like holding me when I'm crying and he's loving me through it. And we became really, really good friends. And he was more of a man in his 22 year old body than my ex husband was in his 50 some year old body. Interesting. So it taught me to just kind of live my life and I'm young and I'm young at heart. I should say, I'm a free spirit. I go with what I feel is comfortable. And so pretty much the most of the men that I've dated in the last four and a half years have been in their twenties. There's only been two in their thirties and it's been this like wild, crazy, amazing ride and these life lessons and a lot of passion and a lot of fun and adventure. And they've really brought me back to life. And in my, in each individual way, I've learned so many lessons and those young men have taught me what men should be. Surprisingly like a lot of people are like, Oh, millennials, this and that. I'm going to tell you, millennials are amazing. We, every generation has their own issue and fault, but millennials are very kind and accepting and not judgemental. And that's what I needed in my life because my ex was not kind and very judgmental.

Oh, great. So be open and find people that you feel suits you. I think that's great advice. So now all of your dating, you basically kind of temporarily put on hold and you've been quarantining all by yourself. And you mentioned before that you couldn't handle your thoughts, that you always had to have people around you as a distraction, but now you can be happy alone in your thoughts and that's huge. And you said you've never felt more at peace. What has COVID-19 taught you about yourself?

Honestly, that I'm pretty FN. Cool. There you go. I really, I struggled as probably most of us do with our own thoughts because of the way we were brought up or family issues or relationships, whether it be friendship, relationships, boyfriend, husband, relationships. So it took me a long time to be able to be at peace in my own thoughts and want to be alone in my own thoughts. And now I've just learned to grow and love it. And what I wish every woman would feel that way. Because like I mentioned before, we're all really goddesses. We are life. We are the life force on this planet. And while I've never had children in my own, you have. And so we literally create life and then figuratively other women, whether you're a mom, a foster mom and adoptive mom, or just an auntie or a cool woman, we all breathe life into everyone. We meet because we're nurturers. And so I finally learned to breed life into myself and to really know that, okay, you're pretty cool. You're pretty awesome. And I had mentioned before, I think it's really sad that society teaches us that you're arrogant or conceited if you like yourself. So as young girls, we're never looking in the mirror saying to our friends, Oh my gosh, I love my eyes were saying like, Oh my gosh, I don't like my, my butt or I don't like another part of my body. And I think we, as women need to like blaze the trail and be like, no, that should not be normal. What should be normal is a young woman or any woman looking in the mirror and being able to point out the things that they love about themselves versus what they don't like about themselves. And that should be about their personality and everything. And instead of it being conceited and arrogant, it should be, that's amazing and empowering. You should love yourself. We all should love ourselves. Right? So you have a, you know, how to master and harness the divine feminine energy and men are attracted to that because it starts from within, right. So if you can't love yourself, then how do you expect other people? Right. I mean, that's kind of a strong statement, but let's talk about Tinder. So one of the exciting features that came out of the pandemic during COVID-19 is Tinder around the world. So I want you to talk about this and I just, I don't know what I would've done with Tinder around the world. I would have been like Ben around the world and I can't find

Like, do I have to go around the world, the vine? So that's amazing. I use a lot of that fun.

So it's actually, normally it's a paid feature called Tinder passport. And so I've never paid for any sort of feature with Tinder. I just have the regular old feature. However, for most of COVID they allowed, um, Tinder passport to be for free. So the next thing you know, I'm like matching with men and my beloved Paris matching with men. They're matching with men in London, evenly, Australia, Australia, all over the world. And so all of a sudden I was having like a different you're like good day mate, right?

Yes. Good day, mate. How are you?

You haven't filled it with this stuff. Um, so the next thing, you know, instead of being alone at night in quarantine, I'm having a different video date with men from around the world through French vanilla. But it was very also interesting cause you're learning about what really was also happening with COVID in other parts of the world, besides just so besides the fact I was attracted to him and of course some ended in like five minutes, I was like learning, what is it really happening in Paris? What's really happening in London. What's really happening in Australia. It was honestly fascinating. And I want to find my person here in Boston. However, I definitely think it was an amazing feature. And so I highly encouraged for every anyone that's traveling abroad. If they're going to go abroad ahead of time to pay for Tinder passport and make friends, like even if you make friends, make friends and then you have someone, if you're going to another country to visit, you'll have someone to hang out with.

That's that's really great. That's worth the money and why not? It gives you practice. Definitely. And you could meet that person say abroad. You never know. I wonder how long they'll keep that going.

They just ended it unfortunately,

But they suck you in by giving it to them.

And, and I, you know, I have a sucker for the Parisian, so I may have to go back and put that back on, um, and pay for that because there's something about a French man.

Interesting. Isn't the way they dress the weight.

There's many things like, um, be for a different podcast, but the way they dress is one of them. For sure.

Okay. So you said I'm like the show is PJ Victoria, just kidding. I made myself, my friend to myself. So Tinder, I love this to quote you. And I think you should put this in your book. Tinder ended your marriage and brought you back to life. Interesting how it influenced your life so much and both a positive and negative way. Although ending your marriage wound up being one of the best gifts from the universe. Do you want to talk about that?

Sure. I definitely didn't even know what Tinder was before I found out that my ex was on it. So it was a whole world of shock to me. And it essentially did add my marriage because I couldn't even tell you what the other three dating sites were because Tinder was what struck out to me the most. And then all of a sudden when I'm ready to date, like a year later I started dating and in the beginning it was more for affirmation because I didn't get that from my acts. So in the beginning it was unfortunately that need that all women have, I think at some point in their life where they need to, I wish we didn't feel like we needed to be affirmed from men, but sometimes we do. And so that was in the beginning and then it changed. And then all of a sudden I started having all these dates around Boston and it started giving me confidence, started making me feel good about myself. And it like changed my life. I'm a huge proponent of Tinder, right?

I love Tinder. I am definitely people used to make fun of me and how much I loved it, but it saved my life because one swipe and one day at a time, like you said, I got my confidence back. I was grounded and I had choices and options. And it was just a really empowering thing. So if you were, if this was like five years ago, Tinder was definitely the leader. As far as the fast accessibility of the dating app. I think it was still,

I don't want to say new. It was new to my world. I think it's more commonplace. Even married couples know the name of it now, even if they're not involved with it at all, because everybody talks about Tinder, but five years ago, unless you were on it, you didn't know about it as much. And I didn't really have any single friends at that time. So I didn't know about it.

Right? So when I became a Tinder success story, people are like laughing. Cause they didn't even know that that could even happen because it was so new and there was so much judgment around it. And I think there still is. There still is. And it's always, the judgment comes from people who are on, on it and are afraid of it. Recently you sent me a photograph of a beautiful building in Brookline that's on your vision board that you want to turn into a women's center, a place for people to go for support when they're going through a divorce or a bad breakup, um, a place for relationship recovery groups. And I really feel like, and I know you've mentioned this to me too. There was no, this is why I really wanted to do this podcast. There's no support. There's no answers there. Aren't these recovery groups or people who survived. I mean, that was a trauma Victoria, what you went through sitting in that doctor's office and not only finding that your marriage is a lie essentially, but you come home and you have another betrayal with a very close friend now, living in your bedroom, in your home. I mean, that's pretty significant. You need other people who've gone through it. And that's what I want this, this podcast to be. And I think it is so wonderful that you want to set up this location so people can find and gain the skillset to navigate out of unhealthy relationships or classes that help with PTSD. And your motto is when one woman succeeds, we all succeed. And I love that. And I believe you will have this one day and I'm going to be your greatest supporter. So keep up with your mission. And it takes people like you who can talk about it and are strong and are vulnerable and can, you know, put yourself out there in a very big way to help others. And I really appreciate that. So before we wrap up this episode, Victoria, what's working for you on Tinder. What are some, what is something that someone could do?

I definitely think that something that when one of the pictures that guys loved the most about me, I graduated from Florida state university. I'm a diehard Seminole college football is my love language. I love football. And there is a picture of me on there with a couple of other people. I have a Florida state baseball hat on no makeup. And I have a Florida state Jersey on and I'm at a football game living my best life, having an amazing time. So I think for other women to find out and think about what pictures they have or take one in their best life setting, whether it's a hobby playing music, painting could be sports, could be at the beach, whatever it is, some sort of shot that shows them in really their authentic self, like who they are as a person besides these fabulous. We put it out of ourselves, you know, where we look great. Put at least one picture in there of you enjoying one of your favorite activities,

Right? And I've never as a photographer. You think I would have thought about that as far as the photographs and when I put a camera around my neck, I really step into my power. And I really feel confident because I love photography and that happens to be my profession. So think about what makes you happy, think about what empowers you and that will shine through in that photograph and men are attracted to confidence. For sure. That's great. That's a wonderful tip, Victoria. Thank you so much for sharing your struggles, heartbreak, and inspiring us to do the work and showing us it's possible to live our best lives. And I don't doubt with your background in volunteering and giving back that you will have this home for relationship recovery. And I can't wait for your book to come out. Victoria's other secrets and it's going to be really well received. And we'll have you back on the show to promote it. And you always have a friend and supporter me. So how can people find you what's your contact information or maybe follow Victoria's other secrets on Instagram or, I mean, I know your website's not finished yet. We can maybe add it to the show notes once it's finished. Sure.

For now, definitely my website's not finished. I'm in the process of writing my book, but if people want to reach out to me, they can go to Victoria's other secrets. That's my Instagram handle. And I'm in the process of revamping that because that's just been, I started that Instagram page when I was married a long time ago, just cause I thought it was a fun name and it has tons of pictures on it. Never once did I think I was going to go the route that I am 10 years later, but that's how someone can reach out to me. If there's any women listening to this, they want to talk to somebody, need a friend DM me. I totally believe what I said about when one of us succeeds, we all do. And we are a sacred sisterhood and it's up to us to lift one another up in the good and the bad

It is. And you know, she spent a two hour zoom call with basically a stranger because she's put it out there on social media that I'm here to talk. If you need someone to listen to you and you know, you talk about the signs from above, well, the urine angel on earth Victoria, and keep, keep it up because we need more people like you out there. For sure. So thanks so much for being here.

My pleasure. Thank you for having me.

And for now this week's Tinder tips. Number one, you don't have to have romantic love to have plenty of love in your life. Focus on loving yourself first and the rest will follow loving ourselves means taking better care of ourselves. Number two, and in honor of today's guest Victoria Weston, this one comes from her. When men say negative things, we tend to internalize those things and feel bad about ourselves. The next time a guy says my ex is crazy. Take it as a red flag and think to yourself, what did he do to make her crazy? Number three, how you feel about yourself? Sets the stage. Use this time to work on yourself and improve on the feelings of loving yourself. And number four have compassion for others. The struggle is real and everyone is doing the very best they can. This is what shot at love is here for, to help you find love. Keep up the commitment to yourself and commit to helping someone else by sharing this podcast. Remember to stay safe and stay tuned for more episodes. If you'd like me to photograph you for your online dating profile, sign up for my shot at LA promotion. Please DM me on Instagram. Or you can find me on my website, Carrie Brett, lifestyle, portraits.com. I'm Carrie Brett, and we'll see you next time.

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