Dec. 20, 2024
From Heartbreak to Empowerment: Solitude, Resilience, and Rebuilding Confidence with Janice Formicella
After a painful journey through divorce and domestic violence, Janice Formichella changed her life by turning heartbreak into empowerment. She found strength in solitude, a story we've been waiting to share. As a breakup coach and host of "The EX-Files" podcast, Janice guided herself from rock bottom to new heights, and she's here to offer you a roadmap to transform heartbreak into personal growth. Her candid reflection on moving to Australia for a supposed short escape, which became a five-year journey of self-discovery, speaks to the power of resilience and embracing change.
Janice shares her strategies for rebuilding confidence after heartbreak by engaging in meaningful pursuits and embracing what she calls her sexy single time. Learn about the “sexy solo date nights” that replaced weekend dread with self-determination and how goal-setting and new projects helped Janice and others move forward from the pain of a broken heart. Her insights highlight the importance of changing environments and finding joy in one’s own company, as well as powerful tools to break negative thought cycles and foster self-confidence.
Discover how media consumption can shape your mental health, and hear Janice's personal experience of cutting out negativity to pave the way for a mindful lifestyle. She shares how uplifting shows like "Queer Eye" and "Grace and Frankie" became part of her healing process, transforming her from a party lifestyle to a more purposeful existence. With practical tips on building confidence and reclaiming self-worth post-breakup, Janice offers hope and guidance, encouraging you to embrace independence and cherish the journey to self-reliance.
Chapters
00:04 - Navigating Breakups and Moving On
14:10 - Boosting Confidence After Heartbreak
24:35 - Positive Media Influence on Mental Health
27:28 - Building Confidence Post-Breakup
Transcript
WEBVTT
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I'm Keri Brett and this is Shot at Love.
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Today we're discussing breakups, broken hearts and moving on, and this week's expert is Janice Formichella.
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She's a breakup coach, writer and host of the podcast, the X-Files.
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With a PH not F.
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When you're in the process of a painful breakup, you forget how much power you have and how much is in your control.
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Believe it or not, you are in charge of how you handle moving forward and can choose how you feel.
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Each day, it's common to feel sorry for yourself and many of us lose our identity, sense of self and worth.
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Janice will share how to flip the script and how you can easily turn your breakup into a magical opportunity when we come back.
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Janice will encourage those struggling to get empowered beat that breakup and create the life you love.
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You won't want to miss it, so stay tuned.
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Janice Formichella took a painful divorce and turned it into a positive.
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Janice Formichella took a painful divorce and turned it into a positive.
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After recovering from domestic violence and hitting rock bottom in her 30s, she did the work needed to heal her heartbreak.
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She decided to share what she's learned, support others and help her clients build new lives through one-on-one coaching and by creating her podcast, the X-Files.
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As a breakup coach, janice supports those struggling with the pain and confusion of a broken heart and shows you how to turn your breakup into an opportunity for something else.
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With a focus on overcoming loneliness and living a desired led life, she works with people to become passionate about being their own soulmates and using solo time as a superpower.
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It is my honor to welcome Janice Formichella to the show today.
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Hi, janice, thanks so much for being here.
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Thank you for having me.
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Happy Monday.
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I'm loving starting my week with you.
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I know I love this too and I love your story.
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It is so impactful.
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It's going to help a lot of people and I think it's just your honesty about how you ended up in this situation.
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So take the listeners back.
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You know you got divorced and you found yourself in an unhealthy situation.
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Tell us a little bit about your story.
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A lot of my work is very closely informed by my life experience, so a lot of people do tell me that they find me to be quite surprisingly honest.
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But it's just.
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You know, I can't separate my work from my story, so I am happy to go into it.
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I first got the idea for breakup coaching and podcasting many years ago.
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I was divorced about 12 years ago.
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At this point I did really well with my divorce.
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It was definitely the type of marriage that had been really winding down, and so I really thrived as a newly divorced person got the idea for breakup coaching.
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But life had a lot more experience for me in store.
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The universe wanted me to get more life lessons for sure, one of those being that my next relationship after my divorce was with a brilliant, gorgeous man who completely swept me off my feet.
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Like you wouldn't believe.
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Things went really really quickly, and I actually moved to Germany to be with him and found out, probably within maybe even the first weekend of being there, that he had a very severe alcohol problem that I was just not aware of and that he got physically violent when he drank.
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I was a little in over my head even at that point, having just moved there and I did end up staying in the relationship on and off for quite a while Well, I mean a year and a half, but by that time I mean it had really kind of destroyed my life.
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I was able to finally leave after law enforcement got involved and went back to the States and was completely messed up Very serious depression.
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I have not been diagnosed with PTSD but I was I had all the signs for sure really nervous.
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I wasn't able to even drive myself places because I was so skittish.
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I wasn't able to keep food down and also I was just, I was just a broken person.
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I had no determination to even beat it.
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Really I would.
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I just kind of wallowed in this.
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I stayed with some family members who were very fed up with the situation at that point which anyone who has been in this situation will know that in the beginning you know a lot of people try and support you the best they can.
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The fourth or fifth time that you're saying you're leaving and then go back, time that you're saying you're leaving and then go back, people get pretty fed up with it, and that was certainly my case.
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I, you know.
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I really saw what a lack of support can do to someone, which is how I kind of kept the idea of breakup coaching going.
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But there was still more for me to learn about three months in to this kind of depressive cycle and I was not getting better.
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If anything, I was getting worse and definitely and I have so much compassion for that woman because she was in a lot of pain I, however, was managing somehow to keep some work.
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I don't know how, really looking back, but I'm a freelance copy writer as well, and I had the opportunity to go on a work assignment to Australia, just a little randomly.
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I mean, it was nothing that I even really sought out.
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The opportunity kind of came to me and because I was on very shaky ground with the family members I was staying with and had no hope or enthusiasm for the future, I definitely had no desire to even get my own apartment.
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So I took advantage of the opportunity and ended up in Australia.
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I was meant to be for one month.
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I came back to the States five years later.
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Wow, oh my gosh, do you think you were almost running away by going to Australia?
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Yes, and to be honest, until recently when I I mean, I came back to the States about three years ago and until about that point I did.
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I had kind of a history of doing that, to be honest, and that's because I got married really young.
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I came from a really religious community.
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I never really even had desire to be completely self-reliant and certainly had very low level of resilience at this time and a thousand percent I would run from my problems.
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That being said, when I got to Australia a completely broken person I'm not even sure why this client of mine wanted me to work for them looking back but because I was staying with some people that I didn't really know that well, kind of wanting to experience a new place I did, for the first time, kind of start going out meeting people, people who didn't know my story, people who weren't fed up and irritated with me and my life choices.
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I got involved with some really cool activities right away.
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I've always been very extroverted and I just felt like as soon as I started getting out there and having conversations with people and seeing that people weren't judging me and were curious about me and not critical of me, my healing just skyrocketed.
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It was great.
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One of the first times I even went out in Melbourne.
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I got invited to five rhythms dancing, which is kind of a form of group dance therapy, and I went in hard with that five rhythms.
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It really transformed my experience of putting this abuse behind me.
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I got better.
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I started gaining some weight again and feeling happy about life for the first time in a long time.
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Being with an alcoholic really robs you of your enthusiasm for life, for sure.
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It's very much putting out fires constantly.
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So I decided that I didn't want to stay there just a month.
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I associated all of my healing with the fact that I was there and so I decided I was going to try and gain residency, really committed hard to that, to that process.
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I always looked also externally for validation and for problem solving, decision making, certainly any type of gratification.
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I mean I wasn't associating any of my healing at all with anything that I had done or my ability to get over it.
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I completely associated with the friends I met and the fact that I had done or my ability to get over it.
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I completely associated with the friends I met and the fact that I was in this new place and so I desperately clung on to staying there for a very long time.
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It completely ruined my life.
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Again it got bad.
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So you try to get residency in Melbourne and they don't tell you how long it's going to take.
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I think they said something between two weeks and six months.
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Yeah, and that's if you can.
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Even so, the visa that I got.
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I tried a few different ones.
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It is a very exhausting, defeating process that I would probably not encourage anyone to try and go through, but I did get what I thought at the time was lucky in that I think about three years into the process I got a work visa or a work sponsorship, which everybody wants, but it's it's hard to get.
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So, yes, I applied for it, and this is the other thing you can't stay on shore while you wait for it.
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They will, and that's what they told me.
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They said it could take up two weeks or up to six months possibly, and in the meantime, better go somewhere else to wait it out.
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Okay, so you decided to go to Bali.
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Yeah, and now.
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This is when things get really real for you.
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Yes, because I had been so dedicated to staying over there and because of the situation with things before I went to Australia, I just I didn't really have any networks in the States, so I didn't think about going back to America at all.
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And, as people will know, bali is close by, it is a warm place, it is an inexpensive place.
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It was definitely the most natural option.
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But yes, this is where stuff gets real for sure and directly leads to what I do today for a living, and that is I went there alone and you know, keep in mind that for you know, these three years that I was there, I wasn't just, you know, having a little bit of a community and a few friends.
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I was the most social person that probably anybody knew.
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I really compulsively would keep people around me all the time.
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I went out every night.
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I lived with an extrovert who I was friends with and I was just like one thing after another constantly.
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And then I get to this foreign country alone with no end in sight.
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I didn't handle it very well in the beginning.
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I was absolutely terrified.
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I was very kind of immature about it.
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I would say I still, to this point, didn't give myself any credit for even the life that I'd built for myself in Australia.
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I thought my happiness completely depended on having this thriving social scene, and I had gotten also to the point where I was so uncomfortable spending time alone.
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And here I am alone.
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Also, I didn't have much money and so I wasn't traveling, and I did get fairly depressed Once again.
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I would just absolutely dread every evening, completely dreaded the weekends.
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I would call up my friends and just cry to them on the phone.
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There was nothing, no inner strength really, in me.
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I had inner strength, but I didn't know it yet, and there was nothing, for the first two months really, that made me want to figure it out.
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I just once again stayed in this miserable place and it sucked.
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The visa process was just going on and on and on, and after the second month I did finally realize that I don't know when this is going to come to an end.
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They can't tell me anything and I can't live this way, right, right.
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So then I kind of started developing tips and tricks that I use with my clients today to figure out how to be happy spending time alone, how to look forward to it, how to thrive in it.
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I then had two more months left, and I loved it.
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I had a great experience.
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It took a lot of trial and error, for sure, but it helped me to develop the ability and the perseverance that I have today.
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Plus, it allowed me to enjoy my experience in Bali.
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Right, okay.
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So I want to talk about these tips because you come from a place of being this person who cannot stand to be alone, and you self-medicate by having this over-the-top social life so that you're never by yourself.
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Yeah.
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That's really interesting to me.
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Oh, I was like I said, it was almost a compulsion for me.
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Right, I like when you say that you dreaded the weekend, and I remember dreading holidays, weekends, having no place to go.
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I almost feel like I dated so much too, because at least, even if I went on a bad date, it was better than staying home alone, totally, totally.
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So, yes, you started to become very clear and realize that if you want to fix things and be happy, it came down to you and your choices.
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Mm-hmm, one of the things that helped you keep your mind busy and this worked for you as well during the pandemic was having goals and having projects.
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Yes, these projects kept your mind occupied, and I think it's really hard when you're still healing a broken heart.
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It is really hard and that's why I tell people you know, if you are healing from a broken heart, do allow yourself to have a small amount of time where you are going to to be sad, and that's just the same for everybody.
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But what I have seen, and what I absolutely did myself, was that you get more comfortable in that stage then, kind of leaning into the unpredictability of what your new life is going to look like and what it may look like for you to.
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You know, walk into the future in a new chapter of your life that you didn't even want in the first place.
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And one of these things is projects.
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And I did start this when I was in Bali and it it helped me tremendously and it still does to this day, and you're absolutely right.
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One reason I'm glad I went through this is I was fine during the pandemic.
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I still live alone and I didn't have the fear around it that a lot of people did.
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So I do suggest projects.
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I do things like decoupage, I love to decorate, I love to do blog posts, I love to kind of research, fun meals to make, taking courses, that sort of thing.
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I use a bullet journal and, yes, things that can keep your mind busy, keep your body busy.
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I started walking a lot, which is still one of my favorite hobbies to this day, something that I do on a daily basis, and that helped us as well, because it got my body moving, it kept my mind occupied, it got me out of the house.
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This is really big for people who are going through breakups.
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Getting a change of environment and getting out of your immediate surroundings will help you get out of the slump.
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It's you know, I think your body and your mind get used to cycling certain things over and over when you're in the same place, over and over, because that's what it's used to doing when it's there.
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That can serve as a really important circuit breaker for things, as if you commit to just getting outside for a nice casual walk.
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I agree.
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I think it balances the stress.
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So your advice is to go out first thing in the morning, walk to a cafe.
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Well, that's what I do, yeah.
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I like that.
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Or just find some way to get outside, because it will reduce the stress, it will get the blood pumping, you'll get some vitamin D, you'll be in the sunshine Yep.
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And you found that doing this first thing made your day easier.
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Yes, for oh, I mean 1000%.
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It did, and that's why I still.
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I have gotten in such a habit of doing it that I almost can't be completely productive until I make sure to go out for my walk.
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I don't feel like I have the same sense of clarity that I do.
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We all have access to something outside.
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I also struggled a lot with morning time dread and morning time depression, and so I found that getting outside, yes, and moving my body helps me to get over that.
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I'm actually very much a morning person now, but it was because of these walks, and it was also because of these walks, that I kind of had an opportunity to think about my life, all the chaos that I had created in it.
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For the first time, you know, I wasn't surrounded by people day in and day out, and so I started to think about what do I really want my life to look like?
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And that's what I still do today.
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I will often just think what do I want my day to look like?
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And think about that while I'm walking.
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So you put structure in place and you can do all sorts of things to make you feel accomplished.
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You can find all new things to study.
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The online courses are huge.
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That was a big thing during the pandemic.
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Yeah, find something to look forward to.
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Yeah, I like this one.
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So, like I said, I really had this weekend dread thing and it would start on like Wednesday.
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I'm not kidding, I was not doing anything.
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I would just stay in my villa and, like I said, call my friends and complain about my life, which I'm sure they loved.
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But people were actually pretty supportive of me.
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I was kind of missing out on the experiences of going new places.
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I lived in a place called Ubud and they have this really, really cool restaurant culture and I was just missing out on all of that because of not wanting to do things on my own.
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So I just thought that enough is enough and I decided one Wednesday, when I was starting to have this weekend dread, that you know what Friday night's going to get here and you're going to just take yourself out to dinner and what I now consider my sexy solo date night.
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I got dressed up and I went to this Mexican place that I had been curious about trying.
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It was great.
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Just the fact that I got out and that I wasn't sitting there complaining about my life to my friends and instead doing something new.
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It really shifted things for me, and so I started doing this at least every week, and sometimes more.
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I was on a pretty tight budget when I was over there, so I didn't have as much accessible to me as some of the people I met, but without fail, every Friday when I was done with the little bit of work that I had, I would get dressed up and go, and it's still something that I do today.
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I enjoy having something to look forward to during the week.
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I always have plans regardless of who else is available.
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I like that.
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I'm new in the city I live in and I will say and I really want single people to know this is getting out and going places on my own has made me such a confident person.
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I get approached when I'm in public because people are curious about me.
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All of the friends that I have in this neighborhood I met when I was at the local pub on my own reading or working on something or just having dinner.
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Wow, that's amazing.
00:20:48.222 --> 00:20:57.734
It was transformative yeah, it sounds like it, and you would save what little money that you had and you made this a priority and that's a shift.
00:20:57.734 --> 00:21:06.717
That's a shift in mindset, that's a shift in behavior routine and when you change something, it always brings a new opportunity.
00:21:06.717 --> 00:21:14.900
So I think this solo date night is great and I think women have a hard time going to sit at a bar.
00:21:14.900 --> 00:21:20.101
But you can bring your iPad, you can bring a laptop, you can bring a book, bring something to do?
00:21:20.990 --> 00:21:28.438
I work with my clients on, you know, taking themselves places alone and helping them to overcome that daily schedules.
00:21:28.438 --> 00:21:42.733
I work with people on that as well and I am surprised how many people are very, very resistant to going out to eat or going to a pub or a bar by themselves because they think that it looks weird or that it feels weird.
00:21:42.733 --> 00:21:51.432
I do often say, you know, if you feel uncomfortable but you have a desire to lean into this because of you know what they've heard about my story.
00:21:51.432 --> 00:21:52.233
You know what?
00:21:52.233 --> 00:21:54.415
Bring a little security blanket or buffer.
00:21:54.415 --> 00:21:58.338
I even told you I'm like, just go and look at your phone and act like you're busy.
00:21:58.338 --> 00:22:03.182
You'll feel more comfortable and what's really cool, I'm a big bar top girl.
00:22:03.182 --> 00:22:12.095
That's where I feel comfortable and you will notice I promise everyone listening other single people who are alone.
00:22:12.095 --> 00:22:16.291
Go to that bar top and you're not going to be the only one, I assure you.
00:22:16.732 --> 00:22:17.934
I know I did it too.
00:22:17.934 --> 00:22:30.422
I would go into the city because I had to change my surrounding, and I always encourage people to change your radius on your phone, on these dating apps too, because when you're in a new location, you'll pull in different people.
00:22:31.309 --> 00:22:32.476
Yeah, I like that tip a lot.
00:22:32.830 --> 00:22:40.505
And so it is all about your mindset and taking control of feeling less alone, right?
00:22:41.210 --> 00:22:58.922
Yeah, and, like I said, this is great for single people because not only will it help you to heal from your breakup, but I think that a lot of people really struggle with confidence after a breakup, especially people who feel that they were left or that they don't completely understand what happened.
00:22:58.922 --> 00:23:00.953
You know, our confidence can get shattered.
00:23:00.953 --> 00:23:07.077
The more that we get out in public on our own and do it successfully, the more confidence is built up.
00:23:07.077 --> 00:23:10.718
It can help with that a lot and then in turn, you know you heal.
00:23:10.718 --> 00:23:14.030
It kind of goes hand in hand, I think, with the breakup process.
00:23:17.215 --> 00:23:22.163
How great would it be to find the love of your life, the man of your dreams.
00:23:22.163 --> 00:23:27.403
Do you believe online dating would work if you had the right tools to be successful?
00:23:27.403 --> 00:23:29.411
Well, I have exciting news.
00:23:29.411 --> 00:23:33.318
I've created your best shot at love masterclass.
00:23:33.318 --> 00:23:40.102
I cannot wait to share with you what's worked for me in my life and for many of my clients that have helped over the years.
00:23:40.102 --> 00:23:46.791
If you enroll in this class, you have a winning mindset and believe in getting help before you start something new.
00:23:47.292 --> 00:23:54.640
If you're ready to see changes in your dating life and want to take action, check out my free webinar at shot at loveco.
00:23:54.640 --> 00:24:03.778
If you decide you're going to choose another path, that you're worth it and you're willing to enroll in the masterclass, you can also register at shot at loveco.
00:24:03.778 --> 00:24:08.748
I designed this masterclass specifically for you to be successful.
00:24:08.748 --> 00:24:18.721
Please know that everything you're going to learn in these nine modules and six coaching calls has been carefully curated for you so you can gain the success you truly want.
00:24:18.721 --> 00:24:21.034
I will be there for you the whole time.
00:24:21.034 --> 00:24:26.752
In the meantime, I wish you all the success and I can't wait to hear about your story of finding love.
00:24:26.752 --> 00:24:31.702
I'm Carrie Brett and I will be your mentor and friend through this incredible journey.
00:24:31.702 --> 00:24:39.482
So you also have another tip around media, Like what are you consuming?
00:24:39.482 --> 00:24:43.500
What would your suggestions be if you're going to binge watch Netflix?
00:24:45.131 --> 00:24:46.153
I love this so much.
00:24:46.153 --> 00:24:53.375
I ended up going back to Australia in four months After all of this investment of time and money.
00:24:53.375 --> 00:25:06.122
The entire thing blew up in my freaking face like you would not believe, like crazy, disastrous circumstances once I finally got this visa.
00:25:06.122 --> 00:25:11.314
Disastrous circumstances once I finally got this visa.
00:25:11.314 --> 00:25:21.751
And so then I kind of backtracked and plummeted back into, you know, again back into my depressive cycle, and then I remembered that I had all of these tools and tricks that I had learned in Bali, and so it helped me to get out of the slump a lot faster.
00:25:21.751 --> 00:25:34.759
However, before picking myself up yet again in my life, I did go through this period where I really lent into the misery of everything I would notice.
00:25:34.799 --> 00:25:36.824
Yeah, I got really affected by what I would watch.
00:25:36.824 --> 00:25:41.922
I for some reason started watching that show that was on a few years ago called Bloodline.
00:25:41.922 --> 00:25:47.480
My friends would always be like why are you sending us these depressing text messages?
00:25:47.480 --> 00:25:48.482
What is going on with you?
00:25:48.482 --> 00:25:56.040
And it was because I was being affected by this show, and so I made a rule for myself positive media only.
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