Heart Of Dating With Model, Survivor and Author Christine Handy

I'm Carrie Brett, and this is shot at love. Today's guest is Christine handy. The bestselling author of walk beside me. She's a mother model cancer survivor and motivational speaker. At the age of 40, she was in the fight of her life. Find out the true character of a person in a crisis. Christine will share valuable insights, gained through her difficult journey. What she's learned about herself in 2020 and how to set ourselves up for success in the new year, Christine didn't let the pain of the past paralyze her. Instead. She used it Pell herself into the future. She will discuss what it takes to push through hard times and brave the world of online dating. You won't want to miss it. So stay tuned. Christine handy is an accomplished model for brands like guests, J crew target and Pepsi to name a few and 2012, Christine was married with two children living in Dallas. She had a picture perfect life. She had a routine surgery that left her arm, nearly destroyed, then was diagnosed with cancer. She survived 20 rounds of chemo and 21 surgeries. Christine went from planning her suicide to becoming a national best selling author of the book. Walk beside me, which is in the process of becoming a movie today. She devotes her life to helping others. She's a humanitarian Harvard recently named her a global ambassador. She's also a spokesperson for cancer and an expert on CBS, NBC Fox and Buzzfeed. Christine is a champion for others and a survivor through and through. It's my honor to have her on the podcast today. Welcome Christine.

Wow. That's awesome. I'm losing it, reading this. And the funny thing is there are other things to that list, but I won't even, we can't even, we we'd have five buckets. So what was keep going? I know, I know. It's amazing. Oh, thank you. You're

Incredible. And

I just want a journey. What a journey, what a journey

And our birthdays are days apart. We're both Aquarians and we both are humanitarians big time and really put others before ourselves. Like I just, just have fallen in love with her since I've only had two conversations with you, but I, I first want to thank our friend Carol[inaudible] of quick list who brought us together. She said you are her favorite survivor story and the epitome of strength. And it's your life mission to unite and raise women up. But it takes someone like Carol. Who's excellent at connections. You feel Carol is an anomaly and the world needs more people like her. Don't you agree?

Oh my gosh. Well, the beauty of Carol is that she's the ultimate connector. And what I mean by that is there's so many women out there who won't even give out their hair colorists phone number because they want to covet right. Having the best color, the Carol, she just gives the connections and makes the connection so freely and with such a generous spirit. And I, I feel like there needs to be more women like that. And you and I are both like that, but I do believe that the more we talk about it, the more we teach the more others learn.

Right. Right. And it's so interesting to me. So I think about how different our lives were say decades ago. And I, you know, thinking about when I first started out, I was a waitress at a Boston sports bar and Faneuil hall getting pitchers of beers dumped on me while you were in Barcelona, living at Bailey modeling a state estate, how did we? It was wild. But, um, I mean, we both had fun, I'm sure in our life situations, but there was always a battle with self-esteem and, you know, we, we had no idea that we were gonna have all these struggles in our future. Um, but we were blessed with a lot of friends and a lot of great opportunities. And so I wanted first start with your modeling career. You were born to be in front of the camera and you're you, you can totally tell. And your value was always on the external and you had no identity other than what you looked like. And you went from having a self-worth issue to teaching other self-worth and you did work on yourself so you could teach others. What would your advice be for someone whose self-esteem has been destroyed?

Well, uh, that is such a loaded question and I love it. Um, yeah, my self-esteem started getting chipped away at a young age and I didn't know it was happening. And I think for so many of us, we don't know when it starts to happen and it's hard to stop it. I think for me, in my young, late thirties, young forties, I finally realized that my self esteem was very low in the way I recognize it was. I, I decided that I was, I felt very lost. And when you feel very lost, you have to figure out why, where is this coming from? And for me, I just didn't know who I was and what I was, what, what was I about, you know, going out and buying a, uh, an air maze bag or a Gucci bag, you know, that kind of, those kinds of things filled my day because I was searching for something else. And I just didn't know what else I was searching for. Ultimately, um, I found out who I was and what I to do, which is serving other people, but it took a long time and through a lot of illness and pain and suffering and trauma to go from being somebody that cared so much about what they look like. Not only because it was my profession, but I put all my value into that. And so when that was stripped away, I finally had to make the decision to look inside and figure out who I was, which was really scary for me. And once I figured it out, I, my, my life became filled with joy. And I look, I look back and at the happy times in my life, and I think happiness and joy are so different. And I'm so lucky now, right? I mean, most people wouldn't look at me and say, I was very lucky. I have had 21 major non-elective surgeries. I've had 28 rounds of chemo. I I'm scarred everywhere. I just recently had my breast cavities permanently removed. I have, I live in constant pain, but the joy I get from serving others and from teaching others, how not to be in the position I'm in, is really filled with joy. And, uh, those two different emotions are so different. And if you don't know the difference between the two, I would strongly suggest you search for the joy, and it's not going to come from anything that you can buy or purchase. Right. It's only going to become from relationships and people.

I don't know where I heard this story, but you had told a story about how you were on a waiting list for a Birkin bag, and you were really, you were mad. You were like, I want this very expensive bag. And I couldn't really relate to the story because I was never, you know, I bought lenses like give me a brand new lens out of a box and I'm happy. Like I never was, I was always an artist and in my own world. So I never, I never really wanted those bags, I guess. But, um, when you ever told the story, I think it was on a podcast and you said, my arm is fused and I couldn't, you know, you had what, a series of nine casts and it didn't even carry the bag. Even if you could get the bag, you couldn't even carry it anymore. Yeah. So wow. Talk about it.

Yeah. Well, it was such a shift in perspective because, you know, here I was coveting the things that I could no longer carry. And it was, you know, it was a really wild awakening. Um, and I could've gone right. The opposite way. I could have been, you know, bitter and angry and resentful, but instead I just said, you know, I, my measure, the measure that I was clinging to was wrong and it was distorted and it was, and it, and I was lucky enough to shift and do 180 degrees shift and say to myself, you know, what, w what are we going to do going forward? You know, what are we meaning me, that old person and the new person, right? What are we going to do moving forward? And I just said, we have to, we've got to figure this out. We've got to find a way to make this right and better. And by making it right and better, I realized there was no U hall behind the hearse, and there's no way, and you can't keep it. You can't take it with you. And so why is it, why is it a value? It's not because the world it's because the world makes us feel like that's what matters. And when you figure out it's not, it's so easy not to care about what the world thinks anymore. And I think that I'm so lucky that what other people's opinions of me doesn't matter. And, you know, I don't think that's a sign of maturity. I think it's a sign of, you know, a strong self-esteem. And it's also a sign of somebody that's gone through a lot of pain and trauma and came out in an indifferent angle. So I feel very blessed to have done that.

Well, you know, coming from the modeling world, and I'm the one behind the camera, and you're the one in front of the camera and the modeling world, we'll do a number on your self esteem because it's full of rejection. And what I find interesting is that when you were diagnosed after being so worn down from what had happened with your arm view, or in a place that you had nothing in you to fight for your life and zero self worth, and now you're motivating women all over the world to find out who they are and to love themselves. And what valuable lesson do you think that came out of this identity crisis is another loaded question. I'm just, again, I've just got a load of questions today.

Well, you know, I mean, I think that I want to give, I want to make sure I can give a real life example, but I think when you were in that world of coveting plastic things and coveting what external and living in an exchangeable relationship, right? Like you do this for me, I do this for you. And that, that kind of represented the modeling agency, right? I mean, if you did a favor to the photographer and he would say, well, I'll get you in with this client. Or if you did, uh, if you were in with your agent, you know, my modeling agency and my modeling agent and my Booker, right. Then they would put your comp card, which is your resume, your modeling resume in front of bigger clients. And so it was this very transactional world. And, you know, my measure was based on that, you know, what did I weigh? What did I look like? Was my hair colored the right way? You know, who's my makeup artist on this, on this particular shoot. And you know, when you are doing that day in and day out, which I was, I wasn't an editorial model. I was a catalog model. So I was pretty much working almost every day. And you know, that kind of, you know, rejection or that kind of acceptance is all based on external things. And when your life, your livelihood, your life is engrossed in that, that's what you become. So I that's who I became and I believed it, right. I believe that my value was that. And when that was taken away, it was stripped away from me, not by choice. Um, I had to make a real decision. Now, I, my hair did grow back and I did, you know, I, um, uh, an attractive woman, but I chose back then when I was going through all the trauma that he didn't want to go back to that, you know, exchange kind of life and transactional world. I wanted to live in a world where I didn't owe anybody, anything, and nobody owed me anything, but I also had the courage to ask for help. And my pro my pride just washed away. And, and that was a gift, right. That, but it was a choice. I think we all choose day in and day out, you know, the method of madness that we take. And for me, I didn't want to go back into that spiral of low self-esteem. And, and like I said, at the time when my late thirties and late forties, I, I started to feel a shift and it was because I was empty inside and I couldn't figure out how to replace that emptiness with things. It wasn't working. Right. And I was frustrated with that. Like I w I wish that Bergen bag had filled me up. It would have been much easier. Now I go in now, I, you know, now I, I serve in prisons and I give people hope, and I'm a motivational speaker, and those things fill me up. And so I'm lucky that I made the shift, but again, I do think it's a choice,

Right? Well, it's so interesting. And I think you had to have, like you said, everything taken away and

Everything was taken away, but I will say that I had a team of women who didn't just lead next to me. They li they led me until I was able to lead myself. And, and I was listening to those team of women, right? We all, we all have voices around us. We have voices from our family, from our friends, from podcasts, from TV, you become what you hear. And I was listening to these women, and thankfully, they were incredible women who were based, who were filled with faith, friendship, love. And they, they taught me that, you know, someday I would use the tools that they were showing me to help other people. And I took that very seriously. You know, these women, these women didn't leave my side and showing up for women saves lives. And I don't mean you don't need an army of people. You need a few friends that you can call in the middle of the night that will text you. That will check in with you, especially like, look around during this COVID people are lonely. There's no, there's not. You know, when I was going through chemo, there was so much, um, physical aggression against me, right? Like I had a port and they, when I showed up for chemo, that needle was stuck inside of me. I was cut on, I was putting my breasts were cut up. And my mastectomies, I had ports and PICC lines and you name it. I had, you know, it was a very, uh, painful so to speak. And my oncologist said to me, he, you have to negate all that pain with pleasure. And the only way that's going to happen is, you know, have your friends rubbed your back, have your friends rub your feet, have your family, you know, touch your leg, hold your hand. Um, because you eat, there has to be some sort of balance because every week I was going to sit in that chemo chair and they were jabbing that needle in my chest. Right. And, and that, and that, I mean that people take their lives. People quit. People say, I'm not going through another chemo because I can't take it. And they don't realize that if they had somebody like, just standing next to you, holding your hand, rubbing your leg, it dissipates it, it washes it away. So yeah, no, it physically does physical, nurturing. It takes away some of that pain. And so right now, when people are isolated, we still need people to FaceTime. We still need people to call, not just text right. That critical.

I, I agree. And I, I love the friends because I leaned on my friends. So I always frame not to diminish your S your, uh, you know, cancer. I'm not trying to compare by any means, but when I talk about pain and people suffering and people being alone, if I didn't have you become who you surround yourself by. So after having a series of setbacks and heartbreaks online, I began to think I was worth nothing. And I love your friend who put all those, post-its all over your home of just phrases from, you know, uplifting things from the Bible. And I feel like I love that post, that idea, like for someone who's having a hard time dating, I would love to just write a whole stack of post-its with like funny one-liners or something that we keep them going and keep them incarcerated.

You should do that. And you should sell those because that, that would be a great thing. And that would be a great gift for people, right. But basically you can do it for yourself. You don't have to have other people do it for me, for my friends, put up post-it notes all over my house, on windows, on doors, in the bathrooms and my children's rooms. And they all had a special scripture on it, but you can do it with positive affirmations. Like I can go around my house and put yellow post-it notes and write you're worthy. You're good enough. You know, it, there's so many things we could write and put it up just for ourselves. And especially in the dating world. Um, you know, you can go put, you know, like you can use the one you are worthy over and over again and put it all over your house, and you're going to start to believe it. First of all, it's true. Right? We're all we are all worthy. It's a fact. Um, but when our self-esteem gets a little shaky, those little reminders, those little eye-catching reminders make a big difference in our days, right?

I want to talk about your book. And, and that was the inspiration. You know what we're talking about? Like the post-its and these wonderful friends and all the different tools that you learned, that your taught you, you were like, I have to pay this forward. I have to write this book and I have to expose my story. And I felt so bad about the bullying with the doctor who left an infection in your arm for nine months, which caused all the bones to break and collapsed resulting in your arm, being fused. And you say is how you handle trauma and what you do with trauma after horrible things happen in your life. How has this mentality helped you moving forward? Because like you said, you could be better.

Oh my gosh, I, yeah, there are so many things that have happened to me that really could have erased my future, um, because I would have gone down that path. Um, but I did choose, I chose to figure out a way to forgive. And the way I figured out the way to forgive was I was like, Hey, this is what that man did to me is a crime. He should be in jail. He's not, um, but I can't carry that pain. I can't carry that weight on my shoulders because the only person that was hurting was me. And so when we don't forgive other people, the person that hurts is yourself. And you have to have enough self love to recognize that. And to say, I don't want to carry this burden. And that person has their own journey. Right, right. That vengeance is not for me. Vengeance is for God, and God will figure that out. And so when I just let that go, literally let it go and let God all that, all that anger and bitterness just washed away. And so every single day that I'm in pain because of what that man did to me, I don't like look at my arm and go, Oh my God. Like, I just want to strangle him. I don't ever think about him because I know there's a, I know there's a bigger purpose in my life. And if what I had to go through is the purpose that I turned around and helped thousands of women, thousands of prisoners, then, Hey, I'm all in. Do I like being in constant pain? Absolutely not. It wears me out, but if I can use my pain to help other people, there's purpose in that, and I'm not going to let all the pain that I've gone through and the trauma that I've gone through, be a total waste. I'm not going to let it be wasted in my life, and I'm not going to let other people waste their pain. I'm going to share my story so that other people can look at my life and go, Whoa, if she can be vulnerable about that, if she can share that, if she can share these intimate moments and share, you know, what this bully does or her, then I'm going to use my pain to help other people. What if I shared my story and, and, and that continues. It's like, it's like the snowball effect, but in a positive way, who wouldn't choose that, that's what I'm trying to teach other people. Right.

Right. Uh, believe me, I, I think about your, your arm and your wrist. I mean, I would have, I wouldn't be able to be a photographer. No, it's changed. It's

Changed my life considerably. Like I, yeah. I mean, I thought that my modeling career was completely over because it's, the scar is horrendous and my arm is, it looks disabled. And, but fortunately I have a great agency who, you know, rehired me last year and I'm still able to model because modeling has been kind of a constant in my life. And so since I was such a young child and I love doing jobs here and there, it's not my focus, but going back to the modeling a little bit, I did love being in front of the camera, but I feel, interestingly enough, I worked as a model for 25 years. And I feel looking back now that that was just prepping me for my, my real position in this world, which was speaking. Right. And so I had all those years of training to be in front of the camera to do what I do now, which is affecting so many lives. I mean, what a, how brilliant is that we can look, we can look at the things that we go through in a lot of different ways. And if, if you choose, you know, to, to make lemonade out of lemons, there's a big difference. Right? Totally. Um, but that's a choice, you know, I'm choosing to take the situations that have hurt me in my life, and I'm choosing to make those into ways to serve.

Right. Well that, I mean, I had a rupture Dez, two ruptured disc, and that was the first time in my life that I thought, you know, I have enough creativity that I can potentially help people. And, and that really got me thinking. And that was when I started creating the swiping soiree, which led to this podcast. So it is how you frame it, not everybody's going to do that. But I think your book walk beside me is so relevant right now, because you wrote the book for people who didn't know who they were, and when you lose your house, you know, you have the loss of your health, the loss of your identity. So you lose your job, which is happening across this country right now, right. Or the loss of a relationship, people are left wondering who they are

Or all of it, all, all three of it, or all three of those things at once. Isn't that insane, but it's insane.

So the book is excellent for wherever you are in your life. I loved it. And I'm curious about the name Willow, Willow dare is the main character. How did you come up with the name Willow? I'm sure a lot of people have already asked you this, but

Yeah. So I love the name Willow. It's always been a nickname of mine. And so I thought when I w I actually, I made my, when I wrote the story, it was going to be a non-fiction, it's really, it's a fictional depiction of my life. And, but at the end, right before I published it, I changed the names and changed the cities. And I changed obviously my name to which a name, which was close to my heart, which was my nickname, which was Willow. Um, and actually that's the nit going to be the name of the film. So there was purpose in that was a reason for everything. Interesting.

So when I, now, I didn't know, you, you know, our first conversation, you were like, have you read the book? And I'm like, I haven't, I'm so sorry. I promise I will. And I did, but what I thought of, because I always have a photographic image of something in my head, that's just how my mind works and a Willow Bens in the storm, but never breaks. And that's you. Right. And I thought, wow, this is so amazing that, right.

Yeah. And that's actually, yeah, that's the first scene of the film is you see that Willow tree, like really bending and, but it doesn't break. And then, yeah. I won't give any more, cause it sounds not out yet, but that's the first thing. Oh, wow. Yeah.

Oh, I have a future in cinematography.[inaudible]

Yeah. And nobody really, nobody knows that that's insider information. I guess people are gonna know now,

Well, there's so much packed in this movie because I've read the book that there's never a dull moment and there'll be, um, just be wowed. And I can't wait for the boom to come up. So let's talk about co COVID-19 in isolation. And you just touched upon that, you know, and you said like that human connection, that zoom call reach out, um, people are suffering they're alone and you believe that the connection really supports our emotional wellbeing. And for you, I mean, you were in the hospital multiple times alone. What does 2020 taught you?

Well, I had a little bit of a headstart because when I was going through chemotherapy, I wore the whole mask thing because of my blood count was so low and I was, had to be isolated in the hospital. I had to be isolated at home. I couldn't get an infection and I couldn't be around other people for many times during my chemo journey. And I went through chemotherapy for 15 months, so it was long. And so I kind of had a head start, but what I realized when I was going through chemotherapy and cancer was that it was a stage of my life and it had a beginning, a middle and an end. And so when I, when COVID started, I said that to myself, this is going to have a beginning, a middle and an end, but it will end. And, you know, during COVID I had a massive infection in my left breast cavity, which ultimately led to an emergency surgery, which ultimately left me with an empty breast cavity. And so it was a really difficult time for me. And COVID, wasn't the only thing going on in my life. And it's not the only thing going on in anybody's life. Right. And I think, and I think that that has been misleading to everybody because I think people look at COVID and go, well, I think people look at other people and go with COVID, you know, we, we shouldn't be closed or we shouldn't do that. And, and that's one aspect of it. Um, but I don't think people are asking other questions. I don't think people are asking you about, you know, how are you doing? How's your family, how's your, you know, with the people that are losing their jobs left and right. But I'm sure I try to remind people that there is going to be an end. And this is a season of our lives. Pandemics don't last forever. Right. But some, sometimes we have to take a bigger view of our life to understand that, to get out of that parallelization. So to speak like that space where we just panic all the time. Right. And I think, I think in going back to my book, um, I think that one of the reasons why I wrote the book was because the female relationships in my life were not mirroring what the TV and the news was showing the TV news, Bravo. A lot of stations, movies, TV shows, portray women as caddy tearing each other apart. And that was not consistent with the story that I had. And the women in my life, they showed up, they kept showing up. They never left my side. Even when I wanted to quit, they said, no, we're going to, we will carry you until you can leave for yourself. And so I wanted to paint the picture that happened in my life because I knew I wasn't the only one, but I also knew that there needed to be a different model that was being shown out in the world of women and how we support each other because women supporting each other can change lives and save lives, save lives, women not supporting each other really destroys lives. And so I felt like I had a responsibility to show the world, you know, a model of how friendships can look like. And it really, I know for a fact, it's, it's changed a lot of people's perspectives and I've, I think I've taught a lot of people to, you know, take inventory of their friendships and, and look at them and say, Hey, is this person going to show up for me if there is an illness or if I do get COVID or there is trauma in my life. And I think it's a, it's a good time to take inventory of your relationships because you know, going forward, we need to have strong female relationships. And there are people out there that will stand by you. I I've seen it. I've witnessed it. And women, women are powerful, but they're more powerful together.

I agree. I agree. And it's a whole isolation where forget about COVID and the pandemic. But when, you know, you came, you were planning to take your own life. And I remember opening the first page of your book. And it was like, I planned my suicide on a warm spring day or something. And I was like, Oh my God, I can't. I was like, all right, I need a helmet. I need a cocktail. Like I can't. But like that is so powerful. And to be at such rock bottom and people who are at such rock bottom, they're so hopeless that they keep it to themselves and they don't ask for help.

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But see, here's the thing. Here's why I think people are so hopeless because that, because other people aren't saying, Hey, you know what? I felt that way. And so when I said, listen, I, I contemplated suicide. I had a date. I knew when I was going to do it. I knew how I was going to do it. People were like, really? And now I'm relatable, right? To other people. And my book isn't about cancer. You don't even get to breast cancer until page 200, but there's so many other things where people will just take these little takeaways. And it's because I was vulnerable. And so many people around us on social media, in our lives, they don't want to be vulnerable because it's fear like they're afraid, right? That's what the news has done during COVID, they've, you know, portrayed this picture of panic and fear. And I, and I, I feel strongly against that because I think that we should be portraying this picture of faith and hope.

I agree. And that's why I picked this very week for you because people, the holidays bring up a lot of pain regardless. And this in-between week before we kick off the new year, I've seen people very depressed and they say to me, like, I don't care that we're going into a new year and I don't see things getting better anytime soon. And it's just like, I don't want to bring that energy into 2021. I don't know.

Well, I don't blame anybody. I don't really blame people for feeling that way, because anytime you turn on the news or anytime you turn on a TV, that's what they're telling you. Right. Um, but I think you have to really be careful what you listen to. And so I don't turn on my TV really anymore. I, I will just turn on a podcast and I will be so specific about what I let myself here, because I don't want to go down that hole anymore. Ever again. I know how fragile people self-esteem is from experience. I know how fragile my self-esteem was. And so if I don't protect myself, esteem, nobody, else's

Right. That's good. Well, I'm going to claim, and I want you to claim too, cause I want 20, 21 to be the year for you. And that's why we're going to start talking about dating and in the new year, and I'm going to force you in fact, to fly to Miami or drive to Miami, I am going to force you. And I would have a field day pretending to be you. I would just have such a blast. I would, I would love it. Um, so where you are currently, you've separated from your husband five years ago, but you've, but you know, you've been very busy and you've done all these wonderful things. You have a second book that you're perfecting. You have a movie coming out, you have gone back to get your master's degree in creative writing. You're your Elwood. Let's be real. I mean, you are

An older version,

But I, I know that this is the time to focus on you. And we were talking last night and this is the best ever. You said, I put strangers in front of me. I put prisoners in front of me and then you're like, hold on a second. And then you're like screaming. I'm coming for you. Hold up, hold up. And you literally chased down a homeless person to give this person money. And I was just like, Oh my God, I have to put this into the podcast because you've got to stop chasing homeless people and need to start chasing husband.

You know what I hear? Here's a problem. And this is a problem for me. I, there are so many people that need help right now. And I can, at the end of the day, I can help myself. I go to bed and I'm like, I could have helped so many more people and it's like a burden. Right. But it doesn't feel like a burden to me. Right. And so, and, and I also, here's the other thing I have such a good self-esteem and I have lived independently for so long. I, I don't need a man. I would love to have, but I would love to have a companion. I'd love to go to dinner with somebody and, and, and walk through life with somebody. Right? That's what everybody needs. That everybody needs people to walk through life with. Not just friends, they need an intimate partner and, you know, biblically, I'm a very religious person, obviously, biblically. I think that's what we're supposed to do. And that's been a real, it's been a void in my life and I know that's one thing that needs to happen. Right. And, and so I'm, I'm, I am ready. I'm ready to, I, you know, I, I love to love, I love to love other people and it's time for me to have somebody love me.

Right. And so the thing is, how can someone with a heart like yours, you go to bed counting all of the people that you help. That's. I mean, you're literally like counting sheep, but you're counting all the different prisoners you, of course. I mean, it's amazing with a heart as big as yours, of course, you're going to attract the most loveliest person. And once you do that, love is going to give you so much more power to help more people.

Yes. I totally agree. Um, I'm on board. Yeah. I'm on board. I think it's going to be a different decade. And you know, I, I, speaking of new year's though, I, I also think that this is true. And I think it's important to say every day is a new beginning. And so I think a lot of people play so much emphasis at the end of December and they all go to the gym and there I'm going to lose 10 pounds and I'm gonna do this. I'm gonna do that. And things falter, you know, life happened. Right. But I think if you have a different mindset and you say to yourself, every single day is a new beginning, it's a new year, every day. So to speak, it's it, you walk through life differently. And so for me tomorrow morning, I'm going to wake up and go, I have a new beginning today and I have a new opportunity. And so what I'm, what am I going to put in my life my time, which is really our only resource, what am I going to put my resources into? Right. And then you, and then I make my choice. And so I have to add to my, to my list, I'm dating. And I just haven't put that. Well, I haven't put it out of the priority.

Well, this is what I'm going to say to that is that this is why I think we were brought together for a certain reason. And I try to be as accountable to the things that I say on this show. And so you said before we started doing this taping, you were like, I haven't even worked out yet. And that's something that I do. That's a staple in this past year has been so insane for me that I haven't worked out the entire year. And I mean, I've worked, you know, 70, 80 hours a week on my feet, but I haven't worked out and I actually love working out. And I thought to myself, I'm someone who's puts everyone in front of myself as well, and gives, gives, gives. And why can't I find, you know, half an hour to work out for myself. So I started yesterday because I became tired of someone who said I was going to do something and not do it. And then if I was going to be the you're dating coach and be on you every day to get on dating, well, then I had to clean up in my life, what I was doing that I wasn't being accountable for. So, um, I'm excited. I'm going to work out today and it doesn't take that much time. I mean, if you are on these dating apps for like 30 minutes, you'll make, I mean, you're a model and you go to Harvard. I mean, all

Right, there's this

Photograph of you. And I have to say this because I'm like, put the photograph in front of the tree up tonight. And you're like, what? No. You know, and I am like, this is so perfect because you're in this week between, you know, we're leading up to, to new year's Eve, but you look like this gorgeous, like the psychology around putting these ornaments on this tree. It's like, you're the gift. You're like this red Hottie and the red outfit, like, I'm like this whole thing, guys, like bright, shiny things. The trees filled with sparkly, things. Like I was like, there was so much psychology around that one, photograph that I just like, this is her moment, but you could, you could try different things. And again, you're a model, but I want to talk about a few things that I'm going to mention that you learned that were so helpful in fighting cancer, and I'm going to reframe them so that people can use these tools to become successful in dating. And the first one that you found, and I learned a lot from in the book was show up, show up for someone else. And can you talk about why that was so, so impactful?

Well, I mean, let's, I guess I'll go back to when I applauded my suicide, I had just come off a year of arm surgeries, casts bullying by the doctor. And I thought, you know, I had used all the resources, the tokens, the coins, whatever you want to say from my friends and family, they had to drive me to physical therapy. They had to drive me, my son. They had to pick up my sons from school. And I felt like I, my tokens had been used up. And so when I was diagnosed with cancer, I thought, well, I don't have any tokens left. So, and there's no way I'm going to get through 28 rounds of chemo alone. And so when my friends said, no, we're not, we're never going to forsake you. It doesn't matter that that season's over in the new season's beginning, even though it's a hard season, it doesn't matter that there's two hard seasons in a row. It doesn't mean we're not going to show up. And I looked at I'm like, really? Are you serious? And they did. And, and, and it didn't matter that it was season after season where I was ill. It could have been more seasons and they would have been fine with it. And so they taught me that showing up was just a staple in life. That's just what you do. It's, it's, it's inconvenient, it's messy. It costs something. It costs something to my, uh, to their families. It costs them their resources and it was okay for them. And so I learned that and I said, wow, okay, well then I'm going to do all of that too, because that's right. That's all that really matters is showing up for people. And especially right now, when the whole, when the whole world can be a little bit more empathetic to what that means to show up for people. Right. And what it, and what it looks like if you do. Right. And so, yeah, in the dating world, I guess the messages, right? Like you just put yourself out there and you go, when you do and you be because that's, that's how it's going to.

That's how it's going to shift. And so, you know, half her life is showing up, but your friend showed up because they love you. And you have to show up because you love yourself and you're going to show up because you're worth it. You're worth taking a chance. And you're worth, there's a million people out there who would love you. But the action is the biggest thing that holds people back and they just don't show up. But you got to show up on days that it's raining, that, you know, you, you, you had too much on your plate. There's a full moon. Whatever you've got to keep going, you have to, you just have to do it.

I may, we're going to make each other accountable. But yeah, showing up is showing up is, is one thing that you can do for people that will change their life.

So the next one is pride and ego. Why, why did those things hold you back when you were sick?

Uh, because I was afraid to ask for help. I was ashamed to ask for help. And when you get your pride and your ego, I was ashamed. And I was afraid because I said, my value is now gone. They're not going to love me anymore. I don't look like I looked like I can't go shopping and lunching and doing all the things that we did as friends together anymore. And I, you know, I'm different now. And so that pride, right? That lack, that lack of self-esteem that terrible ego that we carry, that we think we have to be something for somebody else. You know, that really kept me in this position where I was like, I have to take my life. I can't, I can't move forward because I can't ask for help. They can offer it, but I'm not going to ask for it. And once I, once that, I got rid of that toxicity of that pride and that ego, and I was able, capable of saying to myself, no, you can ask for help. You're worthy of it. My whole life shifted and cause I needed help. And it was okay to ask for it. But we trip ourselves up by thinking that we're not worthy of the ask.

Right? Well, it's like the same thing with love. Like they get, people get tripped up and they, their ego gets bruised. They get ghosted, right? They have dates that don't work out and their pride and their ego is hurt and then they quit. But if they lose the ego and, and realize that if something didn't work out, that was a blessing next, right. The right person is gonna find you and stick with you regardless of what's happening in your life. So my advice is take ego away and look at it as a game and don't take it so seriously. And I think that's a good way to approach online dating. And the last one, which I think is really appropriate for it ties in with your book. But can you talk about why walking was so important in your recovery?

Well, I'm, I'm a self-proclaimed athlete. I have called my son. I call myself an athlete. Um, and so I've been walking my whole life. I was walking in high school, you know, stay fit for bottling. And I just, it was just kinda, my sport was walking. And, and so when I was going through chemo, even just getting outside for short walk, even if it was just down the block, it got me out of my head. It got me out of my space that I was living in and the trauma and the visuals, right. That I was looking at every day, which was, you know, as eating in my bathroom. And I was laying in my bed. And the only reason I was eating in my bathroom was because I was eating in my, in, in the bath tub because I was so violently ill. And if I was in warm water, then my friends could feed me food that I wouldn't throw up. And so I was, you know, when you look around and you looking surroundings and you go, gosh, I'm tired of being in this bed. And gosh, I'm tired of being in this bathtub, trying to eat some food. If I would just get to my front door and open it up, I'd be, I'd see the fresh air I'd see outside. And I go, Oh wow. There's, there's other people out here. Oh wow. There's people out here with other problems, not just my own. And so when you get out of your own head and you get out of your space, you can move freely, right? You don't, I'm not talking about just walking around the block. You can move more freely in your life. And that was a, that was a bar. That was a good strong hold for me. And so I tried every single day to get out to walk because I knew that cycle from a psychological point of view, that was really conditioning me for a better future, a more positive, hopeful future. And it worked.

I did. And so walking changes your perspective and walking is action. And so isn't swiping, it's an act of moving forward. It is.

Yeah. And that's funny. I always say that I'm like forward is forward, right? Always baby steps forward steps down,

Just end the podcast with thoughts of being hopeful and optimistic for the new year. And your cancer has taught you that tomorrow isn't guaranteed, but we need to believe that anything is possible. Do you have any motivational words that you want to leave us with today?

Well, I do believe that tomorrow is promised to nobody and I know that to be true. And so I try to live my best life every single day. And you don't have to be in a position I was in where I almost lost my life. Many, many times. All you have to do is say that to yourself and remind yourself tomorrow is not promised to anybody. And the more you say that to yourself, the more you'll actually live that day.

Right? Yeah. So get moving, get swiping. I better get my bags packed to come down to Miami on my phone. Well, thank you.

Pleasure. Thank you, Carrie. What a pleasure. What a treat.

Thank you so much for sharing your journey of breast cancer and COVID and all the valuable lessons that you've learned. Where can people find out about you and find you on social media or buy your book?

Um, my book has really sold most places. Uh, I always point people to Amazon just because it's easy, but you can Google me Christine handy. And my website is Christina, andy.com. And my Instagram is Christine handy one. Um, but there's a lot of information out there. I've done a lot of interviews, interesting interviews and podcasts and really Buzzfeed. I love Buzzfeed. I've got the 10 worst things about cancer on there. It's really fun. Um, yeah, but there's a lot of stuff. So Christine handy.com is a great place to start. Okay.

Okay. Awesome. Well, I'm going to have you back on the podcast once you find love in 2021. So I can't wait. I can't wait to. Thanks so much, Christine. Thank you, Carrie. And for now this week's Tinder tips. Number one, surround yourself with good people. People who want to help you move forward. Anything is possible. If you have the right people around you, number two, step by step, walk into your future. Walking is action. Just like swiping and action creates reaction. Number three, check your ego at the door. If you don't, your dating journey will be more difficult than it needs to be. Number four, show up for yourself and ask the universe to send love your way. I hope you found some of my tips helpful this week. This is what shot at love is here for, to help you find love. Keep up the commitment to yourself and commit to helping someone else by sharing this podcast. If you're interested in a shot at love coaching call with me, DME, a Carey undershoot on Brett on Instagram for further details. If you like this show, please leave a five-star review. I'm Carrie Brett, and we'll see you next time.

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