Dec. 15, 2024
Holiday Dating: Strategies for Sucess with Dr. Christie Kederian
With the holiday season upon us, it's time to rethink your dating strategy. This episode is filled with strategies for holiday dating. Dr. Christie's Holidating 101 program offers actionable tips to keep your love life moving forward without burning out. Whether optimizing your online presence, attending festive events, or maintaining a positive attitude, we provide the tools you need to navigate this busy period. With consistency and a clear plan akin to a fitness routine, you'll be ready to tackle the surge in dating activity and find the connection you've been searching for. Get inspired to take control of your dating journey and open the door to the love you deserve.
Unlock the science behind love with Dr. Christie Kederian, an acclaimed therapist, dating coach, and former eHarmony matchmaker. Join me, Kerry Brett, as we unravel how cultural and faith influences have shaped Dr. Christie's journey to becoming a relationship expert. With her profound insights, we challenge pop culture myths and explore the sophisticated eHarmony algorithm that measures 32 dimensions of compatibility. Are you curious about how attachment styles impact your love life? Discover how understanding these styles can change the dating game for you.
Venture into the heart of the dating journey as we decode why recognizing intentions early is vital and how chemistry or scarcity mentality can hinder women from seeing the truth. Dr. Christie introduces the clever "criteria sandwich" to help you sift through deal breakers and must-haves, while the concept of "soulmate sunglasses" encourages authenticity over approval-seeking. Learn to avoid the pitfalls of dismissing good matches or overlooking red flags as we prioritize your desires.
Chapters
00:03 - The Science of Finding Love
10:41 - Navigating the Dating Journey
22:14 - Finding Love During the Holidays
28:39 - Dating Strategies for Finding Love
Transcript
WEBVTT
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I'm Keri Brett and this is Shot at Love.
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Today's guest is Dr Christy Kadarian, and she's a therapist, dating coach and previous matchmaker for eHarmony.
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Finding love is an art, yet there's science around chemistry.
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Knowledge is power, and when you implement specific strategies, you raise productivity and increase the opportunity for success when online dating.
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In this week's episode, dr Christy, the date doctor, will share insights from a Holidating 101 program that teaches you how to navigate dating during the holidays to find the one when we come back, dr Christy will share how to optimize online and offline dating strategies that will help you find love during this holiday season and beyond.
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You won't want to miss it, so stay tuned.
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Dr Christy Kadarian is a nationally renowned relationship expert specializing in helping clients create the lives they want and find the love they deserve.
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With an extensive career as a professional matchmaker and relationship expert for eHarmony and Matchcom, christy has helped hundreds of people find love and improve their relationships.
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She's a triple Trojan, receiving her bachelor's, master's and doctoral degree from the University of Southern California in psychology and marriage and family therapy.
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Christy has been a featured expert on ABC, nbc, ktla, the Wall Street Journal, los Angeles Times, cosmopolitan and many more.
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She's also a professional speaker and provides training with the California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists.
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So, without further ado, it's my honor to welcome the date doctor to Shot at Love today.
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Welcome, dr Christy Kadarian.
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How are you?
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Thank you, I'm doing so well.
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How are you?
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Great.
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Thanks so much for being here today.
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I'm really excited about the work that you do and your background is super impressive and I know you're going to have so much to share with all my listeners today.
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So, yeah, so tell the listeners how you got inspired to study relationships, become a therapist or matchmaker and now dating coach.
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Yeah, so my story of just being fascinated with love and dating started pretty early on my you know parts of my identity or Armenian, culturally and family marriage they're really big institutions in our culture.
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So when I went to college and started studying psychology, I was really fascinated by marriage and family therapy, which is my background, and basically it's a study of how relationships impact who we are as people and that really made a lot of sense to me with my cultural background, my faith background, just as a Christian, relationships being really foundational to being a mirror and telling us about ourselves.
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So I became fascinated with marriage and family therapy and then, around five years into my work as a therapist, I um was approached around this opportunity to work at eHarmony as a matchmaker and dating coach um with a team of therapists, and so that really started my personal and professional journey to um learning and helping people with online dating.
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So the day I started working at eHarmony, I downloaded an app myself as a single person and went on about a five-year journey to eventually finding my husband online and then also just helping hundreds of people find love through online dating and offline dating strategy as a matchmaker.
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So now you had my dream job, which is working for some of these dating apps.
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I just am fascinated with the dating apps in general and that's where I found love, and I just know that they work if you stay with it.
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What were some of the best things you learned when you worked at eHarmony?
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I love that question.
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So one of the things that I just was so fascinated by and you know, after I worked at eHarmony I got my doctorate and just became a nerd basically about the science of love.
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I think oftentimes in pop culture and movies and TV we hear we just see the art of love, you know, the meet cute, the moment where two people connect, and that is seen as like a big moment for us.
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And in working at eHarmony, the science and the research really fascinated me and I was so surprised to hear so many of the things that I thought about love not necessarily being backed up by science.
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So that's what became.
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That's what made me really passionate about learning about research and how we can use that to help people find compatible matches and ultimately that long lasting love they're looking for.
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That's beyond just chemistry.
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Right.
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So there is a science to the art of finding love, and the one thing that eHarmony does is they have this list of 29 things that make people compatible.
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Can you talk about how you use some of those things on that list as a dating coach?
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Yeah, great question.
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So we've actually expanded it recently to 32 dimensions of compatibility.
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But one of the things that I love about the algorithm that's used at eHarmony is that we're looking through the lens of things that are similar.
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Often are the things that create successful relationships.
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We often say opposites attract, but a lot of times we're looking for similarities in really important ways and we see that through research that those are the couples that really last and have happy relationships.
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So the similarities here are around values, background.
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That includes, like financial background, educational background, emotional temperament, how you handle conflict all of these things are measured to connect you with someone who's compatible.
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Sometimes we're attracted to someone who's opposite from us because we think they have something that we don't have and it would be a shortcut to getting this character trait that we kind of aspire to have.
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But often it's the more similar couples that can grow together in more meaningful ways because they understand each other in those important ways.
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Okay, so did you think about that list when you found love?
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Yeah, great question.
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So for me, well, it was kind of an interesting story and for me it's because our my husband and I, our families kind of knew each other early on.
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But the dating app is really what connected us to each other because we would have never met.
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We both moved back to our hometowns after college and that's really the app kind of put each other, put us in each other's path, even though we were always, you know, kind of in the same areas, living within a five mile radius of each other.
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But a lot of the things and I use the Enneagram a lot in my coaching program and my husband and I are the same Enneagram type and it's kind of interesting because a lot of we're different in really in several ways, but we're very similar in really important ways and I think this makes us really understand each other and see each other's points of view, because we often have the same struggles, the same core desires and core fears and we're working towards the same vision for our future together and I think that really helped to connect us, I would say, our personality.
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He's very like extroverted life of the party and I can be a little bit more reserved than him, and so some of those things are different, but I think in the core ways we're really similar, similar and that helps us really get each other Okay.
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So your story is very interesting actually to me because you were working as a matchmaker, so you were trying to find love for other people as well as yourself, and I just think that's funny and it must have been a wild time and I know that you went through five years of trial and error and heartbreak, but all those setbacks gave you the information I would assume that you use today to help others.
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Exactly what was your single life like when you were a matchmaker?
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Yeah, it's such a great question and when I was a matchmaker, a lot and dating was also kind of challenging.
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I think as a therapist and a matchmaker it's kind of two layers of knowing a lot about potential red flags and a lot about you know things that we should be looking out for, the worst case scenario, so to speak, in dating, so to speak in dating.
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So it took a lot of work to kind of separate myself from how can I use these things, this knowledge that I know, in positive ways, um, but not let it really hamper me and handicap me in negative ways.
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So I would say the motivation to date for myself was really challenging.
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It was also really challenging when people would hear what I did for a living Um, hear what I did for a living, and so that was really interesting too.
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But I think overall, all my experience really helps me to have that lived experience and not just speaking as a professional or therapist or researcher.
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I'm speaking as someone who was single and I you know my clients is like me a few years ago, so I really get the struggle that they have and that, I think, helps me to have empathy and really like on the ground advice as well as the research background.
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Right.
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Right, because you can have the data, you can have the science, you can have the research, but unless you have the lived experience, you just don't know.
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And so, exactly for me, I wrote an online dating master class and I did that in every module is personal experience of me in the trenches of tinder.
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Yeah, and what I learned, and it was really difficult, and one of the things that happened to me was I would end up in these mini relationships that would last for about three months and it would fall apart because they were they were not interested in a long-term relationship, and so yeah.
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So that's like the red flags that, yeah, they tell you.
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I always say men, tell you in 90 seconds or less what they want and where they're at.
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And women don't listen and make excuses.
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Yeah, I totally agree with that, and I think that it's sometimes hard because, especially when you first meet, you have a lot of physical chemistry that can really cloud your judgment, often of feeling like you know something or you see something but you don't really want to see it.
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So I always say I think this is a quote that I heard once um, that advice is something that you ask for when you know the answer but you don't want to know, the answer, and I think that's true of a lot of people around the dating journey.
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Most of the time we have a sense.
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Um, you know, like Maya Angelou says, when someone tells you who they are, believe them the first time.
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So I think sometimes we have that sense.
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It's just hard to accept it.
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And also we have we sometimes fall into that scarcity mentality, like oh what if there's no one else?
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So we try to make something work, even if they give us the signs that they don't want that long term commitment, right, right.
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I know I can remember one of my girlfriends texting me back saying I have the answer that you need, that you're looking for, but I don't know that you'll hear it or want to hear it because it's not what you want to hear, and I remember thinking it was so kind that she was so honest, but it was so brutal at the time.
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Yeah, but I needed to hear that you talk about being discouraged in online dating and and you know what that feels like because, like you said, you did it for five years.
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Would you?
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What would?
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How would you advise people?
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As far as being selective, Do you find women judgmental or are they optimistic and open?
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Yeah, that's a great question.
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So when I teach my dating blueprint, one of the components of it is noticing your attachment style and one of the ways that you one of the early signs you can tell what type of attachment style that you have.
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So if you're anxiously attached or avoidantly attached is by your swiping patterns.
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So for someone who's avoided, everything is a red flag.
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So they just are not even matching with people because they're just like oh, you know, I don't like his style or whatever.
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You're making any excuse under the sun.
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Under the sun because you're afraid to open up, you're afraid to get hurt, you're afraid of the messy and the imperfections.
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And if you're anxiously attached, you're just so searching for a connection that you overlook everything.
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That is a red flag.
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So if you're anxiously attached, nothing's a red flag.
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You're swiping everyone.
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You're talking to so many people you can't even keep straight who you're telling what to.
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So when you notice kind of one pattern or the other in yourself, you can then start doing the work of understanding.
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Okay, where is this behavior coming from and how can I correct it?
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So I'm being able to tolerate uncertainty, saying okay, maybe that's something I need to explore a little bit more.
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Maybe it's more of a yellow flag, but it's worth giving it a shot.
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And where are you willing, if you're anxiously attached, to say okay, like that's really not going to work for me, that's really not what I want.
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I care about myself and my standards more than I care about just being with anyone.
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Okay, that's interesting.
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So when you coach people to find the right one, I would imagine you're really good with the matchmaking experience to sift through non-qualified leads.
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Yeah, exactly.
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So what I teach is what I call the criteria sandwich.
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So what you're looking for is kind of a combination of your deal breakers things that you would like to.
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You have your bottom bun.
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You don't want it to be too thick because you don't want to carb load yourself, so there's only a few major deal breakers that are your bottom bun.
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Then in the middle you can put as many things as you want in the Subway sandwich Meat, the lettuce, banana, peppers, as many like to haves as you would like, and then the top bun is the must-haves, so it's also thinner.
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There's like two to three things that are really important to you.
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And then what I do is help people identify those top bun criteria and swipe in a way that basically helps you know very clearly if they're a yes or a no.
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So let's say, your top bun criteria is that they're a certain faith background.
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If anyone you see someone's profile, even if it looks great or they seem really interesting or whatever, you're not swiping right because they don't meet your top-end criteria.
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Or let's say, you want someone who wants kids, you're setting your filters so you're not even seeing people who don't want kids, so you're not even giving yourself the option to settle for what you don't want by using I call this.
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You know the top one criteria is a silver bullet swipe.
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It's like the thing that you're going to allow it to be a yes or no and it's going to be pretty clear.
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From that point on you're going to explore other things about the person, but you at least know that they match that main thing that you're looking for.
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Okay, so you really encourage people to focus in on the silver bullet, the main thing, the main quality that you're looking for in another person.
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And you talk about putting on soul focus glasses.
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Yeah, love that Soulmate.
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Yeah, soulmate sunglasses.
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That's great, that's great.
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I still made sunglasses.
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That's great.
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That's great.
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I think women in particular spend so much time putting the focus on being perfect and being what somebody else wants, versus really focusing on what they want.
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And I think that's a problem.
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Yeah, it's so true.
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I think sometimes we just want especially if you're anxiously attached, you just want that approval more than you want someone to just accept you for who you are and you think that if you are who you are, they're not going to accept you.
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And that's such a wrong way to live because you're going to end up being resentful that you can't be yourself around whoever you're with.
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And once you start asserting your needs and who you are, it's going to shift that dynamic of the relationship and the relationship probably is not going to work out Right.
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So people get really frustrated and overwhelmed with the amount of time that it takes to be actively participant on these dating apps, and one of the things that you have as your tip or principles is when it comes to time management.
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You have five message to me.
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I think that's really smart.
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I love that.
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Yeah.
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So basically a lot of the women I work with, they're successful, they're busy, they honestly don't have time and they get so discouraged when they invest so much of their time in something that doesn't end up working out.
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So the five messages to me method is basically breaking down the process.
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Once someone meets your silver bullet, swipe and they're a match, you should only be exchanging five messages before you get on.
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I usually train a FaceTime first and then a date.
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But before you're on a date, before you're on FaceTime, you should really just want to clarify a few things through the messages and most of that chemistry and connection you want to happen and see on the FaceTime.
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First of all, you're going to protect yourself from anyone who's catfishing you or a scammer or whatever.
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And second of all, you're going to just notice.
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You know if they're conversational.
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Are they asking you questions back?
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Are they?
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You know they seem somewhat like normal.
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They meet your top one criteria.
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Then you want to transition so that you can really get to know them.
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I'm a firm believer that chemistry does not happen over messaging and you're not looking for a pen pal, you're looking for a partner.
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So getting off the messages is going to save you so much time and energy and keep you from being discouraged about dating.
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Right?
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Well, it's just a really effective use of time and I love that you encourage people to use FaceTime or you could use, you know, like a Zoom screener date to move along to the date.
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That way the person looks like the pictures or that they are who they say they are Right.
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Exactly, yeah, and even some of the apps have this built into their app already, so you don't necessarily have to.
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You know, do a Zoom or FaceTime and I always recommend sometimes people feel a lot of ways about the FaceTime.
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You know, it doesn't have to be a long thing, it could just be a quick check-in or 15 minute.
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If a guy is really resistant to that, I would kind of question that, because in today's day and age you know safety and all of that.
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They should be open to just having a quick FaceTime chat.
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They're not.
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I'd be a little bit suspicious.
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Right, right.
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See, I don't like to get on video, but I think it's a generational thing.
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Yeah, potentially, but I can see why people.
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You really can't tell if there's going to be chemistry by a phone call.
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Yeah, definitely not.
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And a phone call.
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You also can't still tell what they look like on the phone call, so you know they could still be catfishing you if you have a phone call.
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So that's why I recommend the FaceTime.
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Really encouraging and it seems like it's a really good time to be out there.
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And I dated through the holiday season many times.
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I've gone on dates, went on a date on Thanksgiving once.
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I went on a date on December 22nd and then went on a date on Christmas Eve and New Year's Eve Nice, yeah, I mean it was a little crazy but I did it.
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So it's all about your attitude and I know people hate being single during the holidays, so and you know that as well so you were inspired to develop this Holiday 101 program.
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Can you?
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tell me about that.
00:20:50.821 --> 00:20:59.017
How great would it be to find the love of your life, the man of your dreams.
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Do you believe online dating would work if you had the right tools to be successful?
00:21:04.242 --> 00:21:06.277
Well, I have exciting news.
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I've created your best shot at love masterclass.
00:21:10.105 --> 00:21:14.420
I cannot wait to share with you what's worked for me in my life and for many of my clients that have helped over the years.
00:21:14.420 --> 00:21:16.964
What's worked for me in my life and for many of my clients that have helped over the years.
00:21:16.964 --> 00:21:23.660
If you enroll in this class, you have a winning mindset and believe in getting help before you start something new.
00:21:24.171 --> 00:21:31.519
If you're ready to see changes in your dating life and wanna take action, check out my free webinar at shotatloveco.
00:21:31.519 --> 00:21:41.042
If you decide you're going to choose another path, that you're worth it and you're willing to enroll in the masterclass, you can also register at shotatloveco.
00:21:41.042 --> 00:21:45.615
I designed this masterclass specifically for you to be successful.
00:21:45.615 --> 00:21:55.592
Please know that everything you're going to learn in these nine modules and six coaching calls has been carefully curated for you so you can gain the success you truly want.
00:21:55.592 --> 00:21:57.900
I will be there for you the whole time.
00:21:57.900 --> 00:22:03.619
In the meantime, I wish you all the success and I can't wait to hear about your story of finding love.
00:22:03.619 --> 00:22:08.576
I'm Keri Brett and I will be your mentor and friend through this incredible journey.
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Sure.
00:22:14.296 --> 00:22:22.042
So the Holiday Day 101, I basically was sharing with people about how to date during the holidays and not give up.
00:22:22.042 --> 00:22:24.979
I connected with my husband on Christmas Eve.
00:22:24.979 --> 00:22:39.434
So, similar to you, I'm a firm believer that you can definitely find love during the holidays, but you just want to keep a few things in mind and you still want to protect yourself from people who are just cuffing, as many people know what that means.
00:22:39.434 --> 00:22:54.195
In cuffing season, people are just looking for someone to connect with, because the holidays and the cold weather, depending on where you live in the country, really make you want to connect with people and they might not be interested in that long-term commitment.
00:22:54.257 --> 00:23:11.615
So the Holiday D one-on-one training that I do is basically focused on helping you navigate the holidays while you're on dating apps and part of that is staying on the apps, connecting with people over FaceTime If you're not able to meet in person during the holidays.
00:23:11.615 --> 00:23:17.776
A lot of times, people have more time than ever during the holidays, so you think like, oh, everyone's busy, but really they're.
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Most of them are just going to their home, wherever that is, and having a lot of downtime more than they do when they're working.
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So this is a really great time to stay connected to people and have those space times.
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And don't let the momentum die during the holidays of dating, cause you just honestly never know in that time.
00:23:34.273 --> 00:23:41.085
But you might think, okay, I'm just going to take it off from the dating apps and wallow in self-pity and watch homework movies.
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That might be the best time to meet somebody.
00:23:44.589 --> 00:23:45.714
Right, I agree.
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I think people have free time and it's a time when people take stock of their lives.
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Exactly and realize you know what's really important.
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They're back with their families.
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Maybe other people in their families are with you know, have partners or children, so they might be in more family mindset while they're, you know, at home.
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If you're single and and you have some time, go on these dating apps and instead of watching Love Actually, you know, throw in something sparkly and go out.
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And there are people going out.
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Covid, there's still things happening.
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So I just say, go for it and be on those dating apps and you never know who you're going to meet.
00:24:26.752 --> 00:24:38.304
And the beginning of January, I think the numbers go up, I think 30% in the beginning of the new year, so this is definitely a time to date.
00:24:39.809 --> 00:24:41.133
Yeah, I completely agree.
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January 2nd is the, or the Sunday after New Year's Eve is the highest dating day.
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They call it dating Sunday.
00:24:50.296 --> 00:25:03.650
So you want to be on an app because the people especially if your complaint is, oh, I keep seeing the same people over and over again, then you definitely want to be on that because there's going to be new people, the people, especially if your complaint is oh, I keep seeing the same people over and over again, then you definitely want to be on that, because there's going to be new people.
00:25:05.710 --> 00:25:07.133
There will be new people and it's like waves I used to say.
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Like waves of men come in and every day is a different game.
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Exactly so just go for it.
00:25:10.259 --> 00:25:15.314
So, with your experience as a matchmaker, you have a knack for finding people.
00:25:15.314 --> 00:25:24.483
What advice for dating through the holidays would you have about, say, making plans for New Year's Eve or just getting out there?
00:25:25.686 --> 00:25:26.048
Yeah.
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So really, what I would say is stay consistent, block out you know, sometime every day it could be just five minutes to swipe on an app that you feel like shows you the most quality matches.
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One of the things that I call is like dating app burnout is because we're on way too many apps and they're not all giving us quality people that.
00:25:46.674 --> 00:25:52.817
So usually the test I say is if you've been on an app for two weeks and you don't see it, doesn't mean you don't match.
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See one person that you feel like you could like.
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Um, then try a different app.
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So don't just, you know, try it.
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Keep trying to beat a dead horse on an app that's not working for you.
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Um, I would definitely try to go to some offline, um, in-person type of connectors.
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A lot of my clients have been going to some um, single and mingle type of events.
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Uh, take one friend with you, don't take four, and just stay open to connecting and exploring those in-person connections as well.
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And the number one key is really consistency.
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So it's similar I use the analogy all the time of, like you know, fitness and getting in shape.
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If you showed up at the gym one day, you're like all right, I'm going to get a six pack today and you're there for six hours like you're not going to get a six pack, and you're going to get injured, probably, and burnt out and not able to go again tomorrow.
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But if you take it chunk by chunk, day by day, just a little bit at a time, then eventually you're going to get there.
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So it's the same with dating.
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If you decide, okay, this month I'm going to meet the person and I'm going to download every single dating app, I'm going to talk to a million people and go on 50 dates, then you're going to get burnt out and it's going to keep you from staying in it for the long haul.
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