Let's Get Honest: Is It Lying, A Liability Or A Limiting Belief? With Coach Laurie Gerber

Transcript

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I'm Carrie Brett and this is shot at love.

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Today, we're going to talk about love and lying.

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We're going to get honest with ourselves and learn why honesty is the best policy when dating.

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This week we have a special guest, lori Gerber, who's a seasoned expert with over 20 years of experience in life and relationship coaching.

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Lori has transformed the lives of thousands with her innovative coaching methods.

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She is the creator of the Ultimate Online Relationship Course Master the Art of Love, and she shared her insights on renowned platforms such as the Today Show, dr Phil, mtv, matchcom, j-date, and did a TED Talk called Secret Free.

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Stay tuned, because I'm not lying when I say I think you'll be super impressed with Lori free.

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Stay tuned, because I'm not lying when I say I think you'll be super impressed with Lori.

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Lori's journey is nothing short of inspiring.

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At a personal crossroads, she nearly faced divorce, and a business coach helped her turn her life around.

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This experience led her to become a coach herself, and she's going to share what she's learned about the importance of being honest, as well as sharing her tools to help you find love.

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Get ready for a compelling conversation that could change the way you approach your love life.

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So, without further ado, welcome Lori Gerber.

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Hi, Lori.

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Hi, thanks for having me, Keri.

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So good to be here.

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I'm so happy to have you.

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I am really excited about this.

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I feel like I'm going to learn a lot.

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A few things happened in your life that made you take pause and fight for your marriage.

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Yeah, can you share with us how your story of finding a love coach helped transform your life?

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Yeah Well, interestingly enough, I did not find a love coach.

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I found a career coach because I found that to be the socially acceptable ask around town.

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She, however, was not the type of coach.

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Her name is Lauren Handel Zander.

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She teaches the Handel method, which is the method of coaching I use.

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She did not believe in sequestering certain areas of your life and pretending that you could treat them on their own.

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She believed, and taught me to believe, that all areas of life are connected, and so she asked me, before she even started coaching me, to give her sort of a view on every single area of my life, from my love life to my sex life, to my health, to my body, to my career, to my money, to my fun, spirituality, family, all of it.

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She took one look at what was going on in my marriage and she said oh, we need to start in a little bit of a different spot, because you are tanking your marriage and I don't think you really want to build on such a shaky foundation.

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So she took a look at my health and how I was feeding myself and my marriage and she said that has to come first.

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That's your foundation, and you can't even think straight about your career unless we address those two things first.

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That is how I got a love coach 20 years ago.

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It's amazing.

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So it's true, though.

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If you get screwed up with relationships or finances, all these big setbacks can destabilize your life for sure.

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So that was your foundation, so you had to start from there, for sure, exactly.

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I love how you were forced to pay attention because your husband started to flirt with your assistant.

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You were keeping some secrets per se from him.

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Tell me what you learned from that period.

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It really took a lot for me to wake up.

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Honestly, there was one fateful day when we got into an argument and I remember we were screaming at each other on the street in New York City and he said something like you know, you're kicking me when I'm down.

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And he said you know, if I had cancer, would you still be so mean to me?

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And I said down and he said you know, if I had cancer, would you still be so mean to me?

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And I said yeah, if you were an idiot, I'd still be so mean to you, or something like that.

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And he said I'd like a divorce.

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I think I'd like a divorce, or something like I don't think we can go on like this.

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I think that was the moment where I heard divorce and I oh, we're not just fighting.

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Right, I don't mind fighting, I'm good at fighting, that's kind of my job.

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But now it sounds like we're not fighting.

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It sounds like he wants to leave, you know, like he's not going to put up with this anymore.

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That, you know, also coincided with, I think, my assistant being so much nicer and more friendly and more delightful.

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I put all that together to realize that there was an actual threat to my marriage, and I had been very, you know, confident and cavalier until that moment.

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And so in that moment I decided okay, I'm going to save my marriage.

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I'm not.

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I get it, I have to change, something has to change.

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I'm not going to get away with this.

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And so that's when I earnestly started taking the coaching from my coach, which had to do with really looking at my own, what my dreams were, what my current behavior was and how.

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Those two were not in alignment.

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The coach brought to your attention that your heart and your head was not in alignment.

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Exactly so.

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For example, I wanted deep, connected intimacy with my husband.

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Well, that was my heart's desire, but yet I was still hanging out with my ex-boyfriend once a year and getting drunk, yet I was interrupting him every time he started to, you know, tell a multifaceted story, and yet I was not having sex with him, right?

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So there were a variety of things I was doing and not doing that did not match up with what I said was important to me.

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What I said was my highest ideal.

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Having that first conversation, that you did meet up with your ex-boyfriend and you wouldn't have wanted your husband to do that to you.

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So I think that's a good barometer of kind of keeping yourself in check.

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I like it as a barometer, although you know, I would tell him what I was doing.

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So humans are real sneaky, right Like the way that we lie is very complicated to my logic.

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As long as he knew I was going out with this guy, I wasn't.

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And as long as I wasn't hooking up with him, right that I wasn't doing anything wrong.

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And there was that one time.

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You know that I nearly you know the cuddle that I speak about in my TEDx talk, but again, I didn't cheat, right Like I didn't do the thing that I decided was the line.

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So, as long as my husband knew and I wasn't cheating, technically, I really justified.

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I justified that it wasn't harming my dream, it wasn't harming my connection with my husband.

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But that just isn't true.

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Well, it's like an emotional kind of lying right.

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It's not physically cheating, you know, and people parse this all the time.

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What's telling the truth, is it?

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I didn't outwardly lie, or what did I omit, you know?

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Did I tell my husband I was this close to his face?

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No.

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Did I tell him that I got turned on?

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Did I tell him that it fed my ego to go hang out with that guy?

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Did I tell him that I could still fantasize about that guy, you know, did I tell him the details?

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No, but I wasn't outrightly lying, I wasn't pretending to be somewhere where I wasn't.

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So again, that's how human beings get away with lying, as we come up with all kind of logic and then we even feed parts of the truth.

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So we then can focus on the parts of the truth we told.

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But for sure there was an emotional breach.

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And how, I know is because eventually, when my husband got more empowered, he was like stop doing that.

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If you wanna hang out with him, bring him over to dinner.

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And guess what?

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I had no interest.

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I had no interest in having my ex boyfriend come to dinner with my family in my house that I have with my husband of, you know, now 30 years together.

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No, no interest.

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I only had interest in going out once a year and getting drunk and entertaining some fantasy.

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That interest went away and my husband was like, oh, you can still be friends, but have him over to the house.

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That's how you know you're hiding something when you don't want to bring it to the house.

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So you kind of became fascinated and a specialist around lying and the cost of lying and how it hurts your well-being and you and you talk about the dreams that you wanted for your life.

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Let's talk about lying, because I know a lot about lying now, because I know a lot about you, but to the person who's listening, why are we both so obsessed about lying?

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So I want to talk about it.

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So there are seven types of lying.

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Lauren, who was my coach and created the Handel Method that I teach now, is also my best friend and we talk almost every day.

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She has a first book that she wrote, based on the Handel Method, and we've been writing the second book and we decided to refresh the chapter on lying.

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So we relisted the seven types of lies, but then we came up with 37 more.

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Okay, so just in case you think this is a comprehensive list, it isn't at all, but most people when they hear lying they think of an outright lie.

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Right, oh, I was out with my best friend when actually I was out with my ex.

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Right, that's an outright lie.

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But what people don't usually put on the list of lying is things like omission, what I didn't say, misrepresentation.

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You know how I kind of make it sound like oh, I'm almost done with that when you just started.

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You know, not an outright lie, but a misrepresentation.

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Things like over-exaggerating or under-exaggerating.

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Right, so you could over-exaggerate like, oh my God, my boss is the meanest in the world, or oh, I have so much homework I'll never finish.

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So you could over exaggerate like, oh my God, my boss is the meanest in the world, or I have so much homework I'll never finish.

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Or you could under exaggerate, like, oh, he didn't drink that much, you know he's, I'm sure he's fine, he can drive right when he drove, you know when he drank five drinks, right.

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So we over exaggerate, we under exaggerate, we avoid confrontation.

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That's one that people generally think is just being a nice person, a good person, but is actually one of the most popular ways of lying, according to the handel method.

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And then I would say, lastly, secrets you're taking to the grave, so just things.

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You don't think anyone has a right to know, anything from stuff that happened to you when you were a kid to crimes that you may have committed to.

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You know what it takes for you to have an orgasm, right, like, just you know it's private, nobody has a right to know.

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Okay, so everyone you said that everyone lies within.

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What's the timing of the lies Cause.

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That that was kind of fascinating, I think.

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I've got a statistic that's kind of like 11 a day, you know or like.

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Within the first 10 minutes of a conversation you can count on a few you know, when you're meeting a new person, you can be like how are you?

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Fine, I'm great.

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Oh, how's your husband?

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Oh, he's great.

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You know, sometimes I know when I was having a hard time and my friends invited me to do something.

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I'm not really good at hiding that I'm hurting.

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But then again you don't want to be the person who's having a hard time all the time, because then you're not very fun.

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So I have some friends who say to me well, your friends are going to know if you're hurting anyway, so what the hell?

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So just go and maybe they'll lift you up.

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Yeah, tip them off.

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Right.

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So I think the hiding piece when I was having a hard time, that was a hard part for me, I think.

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And again, people when they hear me say secret free, they think tell everybody every single thing.

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And that's not what I'm saying and that is not possible.

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And imagine if everyone said everything they were thinking in their head.

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First of all, we don't have time and second of all, it's mostly garbage.

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And that's a statistic, by the way it's.

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If you read up on this, we have apparently between 12 and 60,000 thoughts a day, of which 80% are negative and 85% are repetitive, and that doesn't mean they're garbage, but a lot of them are garbage.

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But then there are the thoughts we have repetitively that sort of relate to something that's important to us, and those are not garbage.

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Those are repeating in important areas because we need to address those thoughts.

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So those thoughts do much better exposed.

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That doesn't mean you say everything to everyone.

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That doesn't mean you're inappropriate.

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That doesn't mean you take over a conversation that's not about you.

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Make sense.

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I observed my mother-in-law this weekend.

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We were at a memorial service for another family member and it was extremely triggering to her about her own loss you know the loss of her husband and you could see she was so struggling because she wanted to honor her own experience of grieving and the grief that this triggered, as well as the grieving she was having about the person who had died, but she also wanted to honor everybody else's grieving and not have the attention on hers.

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It was this incredible balancing act and I think that is.

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The balancing act in any good relationship is how do I care about your experience and also not deny my own experience?

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And hopefully in a good friendship, you really work on that and you figure out a good way to do that so you wouldn't have to lie to your friend and say you're fine when you're not, but you're also not taking over and killing the joy of an event.

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It's just a balance where actually both can coexist.

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I think I fall into the category of highly agreeable and I have to be because of my past, the people that I chose.

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I know that I stayed with them or put myself in those types of situations because I am highly agreeable.

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I wouldn't say that's the bottom line.

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Okay, I don't think you stayed because you're highly agreeable.

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I think being highly agreeable helped you stay.

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Okay, that makes sense.

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I think you stayed essentially because that's what you thought you deserved.

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I love that.

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Your upbringing or your genetics or your epigenetics or your observations in life.

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I wouldn't say you stayed because you were agreeable.

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I look back because I want to learn and I love that.

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You say you can change your type and once you have the information you can make different choices.

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And that's very freeing to somebody who doesn't trust themselves because if they want to go date but they have made mistakes, so they feel like they're going to keep bringing more of the same in.

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That is one of the biggest fears.

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You know, my specialty is women daters who've been divorced, who are over 50, you know, who've made their mistakes and seen some pretty crappy patterns.

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One of the biggest concerns that they have is that they will make the same mistake again Exactly what you said.

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I don't trust myself to choose better.

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And so there is hope.

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You can change your type 100%.

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You can, but it takes work.

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You spent a lot of time creating the grooves that got you to this type.

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It's going to take a little bit of effort to change your type.

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I can tell that you're a really good coach because you were like.

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It's not that you avoid conflict, it's not that you're highly agreeable.

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It was a worthiness thing.

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It's just a hunch, and I think the worthiness thing is for a lot of people.

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When it comes to money, what kind of life do you deserve?

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You had to fix a couple of things, but you had to like piece by piece, it Exactly and see the interconnectedness.

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I mean, even food is a very good analogy and I often work with women on their food simultaneously to their what they deserve in a relationship, because they're very connected.

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It's kind of like well, what do you think you deserve?

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Do you think you deserve to feel like shit all day?

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Do you think you?

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deserve to have low energy and indigestion and stagnation and heartburn and bloatedness.

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And what do you think?

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You deserve?

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To feel fantastic and nourished and vibrant.

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That was true for me.

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My food choices absolutely reflected my self-esteem and also, in changing my food choices, changed my self-esteem, changed what I thought I deserved and felt I deserved, so that I could then upgrade in other areas.

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It is all interconnected.

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It's pretty fascinating when you start to write the ship.

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Everything kind of comes together and you can make those changes pretty quickly, I think.

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It really is the benefit and disadvantage of the interconnection, the benefit being that once you start to hit one domino down, the rest will fall.

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But unfortunately it works the same in reverse as well.

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Right, the more you drink or eat in ways, for example, that don't work for you, the more you think you don't deserve a great partner or you don't deserve the money.

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It works good and bad when you start the cycle.

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Let's go back to the type and how you can train yourself to make different choices.

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You have this thing that you call the bad overlooker.

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Speak to us about spotting the signs.

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How quickly you should spot the signs, and I believe you call it.

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Oh, the liabilities.

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Oh, my God, you just opened up so many cans of worms.

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Ok, so let's start with this.

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If you do not understand the problems of your parents' love lives and their parents and their marriages, you're really searching for your keys in the dark.

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The first thing I make all my clients do, whether it's private coaching or in my digital course, is examine your lineage, understand your genetic, epigenetic and environmental influences period.

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Right, like?

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I'm sorry, but if you wanna learn a new language, you're gonna have to learn a new language.

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But first let's understand the language you grew up with.

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Is X, y or Z?

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So you need to understand very clearly what you've been handed down.

00:17:10.907 --> 00:17:16.965
And then you need to also understand your relationship history to see which patterns you've been following.

00:17:16.965 --> 00:17:19.471
Good news it's usually only one or two patterns.

00:17:20.153 --> 00:17:20.902
Right, for me it was.

00:17:20.902 --> 00:17:25.862
I would pick the bad boy and then I would pick, you know, a total dud who was really good to me.

00:17:25.862 --> 00:17:29.494
I would go back and forth and back and forth in that pattern.

00:17:29.494 --> 00:17:31.201
I didn't have a million patterns.

00:17:31.201 --> 00:17:36.532
I would either pick a bad guy who wasn't that into me, or I would pick a really, really good guy I wasn't attracted to.

00:17:36.532 --> 00:17:48.005
It wasn't that complicated what my patterns were To see that, to see where it came from in my lineage and to see why it was protecting me from having to be vulnerable, to go okay, next round.

00:17:48.005 --> 00:17:48.949
I'm going for all three.

00:17:48.949 --> 00:17:54.411
I want attraction, I want trust and connection and I want it to make sense in my life.

00:17:54.411 --> 00:17:55.913
Right, I want all three of those things.

00:17:55.913 --> 00:17:57.025
We call it the three H's.

00:17:57.661 --> 00:18:06.910
I was able to change my type just by getting radically clear on what I had been doing and why that was futile and then telling everybody, right, that's why I also have a group.

00:18:06.910 --> 00:18:08.200
You know, I have group accountability.

00:18:08.200 --> 00:18:15.792
I have a group within my digital course and I have accountability, obviously with my clients, because it is hard to break the pattern.

00:18:15.792 --> 00:18:27.636
But if you're very clear about what it is, if you are honoring your lineage by breaking it, and if you have a group or some accountability, like a coach or a buddy around you, to go, no, you're not doing that anymore, you're just not doing that anymore.

00:18:27.696 --> 00:18:31.446
It's like quitting smoking, like, yes, you used to be a smoker, now you're not.

00:18:31.446 --> 00:18:41.612
That combination of factors does help you start to practice something new, try something new and then, just like any new skill, a new language, a new instrument.

00:18:41.612 --> 00:18:47.384
The more you practice that new one, the more fluent you become, the more skilled you become, the more you start to relate to yourself.

00:18:47.384 --> 00:18:51.073
As that's my new type, that's my new way I do it.

00:18:51.073 --> 00:18:53.905
That's a summary of changing your type.

00:18:53.905 --> 00:18:55.048
Do you work?

00:18:55.128 --> 00:18:55.891
on those thoughts.

00:18:55.891 --> 00:19:02.723
You said that we say 85% of negative thoughts, so do you just keep training your brain that this is my new type?

00:19:02.723 --> 00:19:04.106
This is how I'm living my life.

00:19:04.106 --> 00:19:05.912
These are the healthier choices I'm making.

00:19:06.380 --> 00:19:10.049
So one piece is mental management and really being able to hear your thoughts.

00:19:10.049 --> 00:19:15.852
That's a big piece of what I do in coaching is help people learn to literally listen to what the radio is playing.

00:19:15.852 --> 00:19:33.355
In there there are manifestation techniques you can do to start to imagine what you want, and there's also exercises that you can do based on your personal history and your lineage that help to illuminate where those beliefs and theories come from, so that they no longer have that same hold on you.

00:19:34.260 --> 00:19:39.165
How great would it be to find the love of your life, the man of your dreams.

00:19:39.165 --> 00:19:44.410
Do you believe online dating would work if you had the right tools to be successful?

00:19:44.410 --> 00:19:46.446
Well, I have exciting news.

00:19:46.446 --> 00:19:50.330
I've created your best shot at love masterclass.

00:19:50.330 --> 00:19:57.146
I cannot wait to share with you what's worked for me in my life and for many of my clients that have helped over the years.

00:19:57.146 --> 00:20:03.832
If you enroll in this class, you have a winning mindset and believe in getting help before you start something new.

00:20:04.334 --> 00:20:11.673
If you're ready to see changes in your dating life and want to take action, check out my free webinar at shotatloveco.

00:20:11.673 --> 00:20:20.827
If you decide you're going to choose another path, that you're worth it and you're willing to enroll in the masterclass, you can also register at shotatloveco.

00:20:20.827 --> 00:20:25.729
I designed this masterclass specifically for you to be successful.

00:20:25.729 --> 00:20:35.750
Please know that everything you're going to learn in these nine modules and six coaching calls has been carefully curated for you so you can gain the success you truly want.

00:20:35.750 --> 00:20:38.067
I will be there for you the whole time.

00:20:38.067 --> 00:20:43.789
In the meantime, I wish you all the success and I can't wait to hear about your story of finding love.

00:20:43.789 --> 00:20:58.984
I'm Carrie Brett and I will be your mentor and friend through this incredible journey, you got to a point where things were not working and you were very close to losing your marriage.

00:20:58.984 --> 00:21:06.188
You speak about the fact that we all have this breaking moment where a switch is flipped.

00:21:06.808 --> 00:21:07.028
Yes.

00:21:07.434 --> 00:21:11.467
You learn to take accountability and you learn to say goodbye to the victim.

00:21:11.467 --> 00:21:13.800
Do some people never get to that point?

00:21:14.723 --> 00:21:16.842
Oh yeah, A lot of people die without getting to that point.

00:21:16.842 --> 00:21:19.815
You have to want the click right.

00:21:19.815 --> 00:21:23.804
You have to want the dream more than you want to be a victim of the situation.

00:21:23.804 --> 00:21:26.503
So, yes, you can avoid the click.

00:21:26.503 --> 00:21:32.280
If you have enough distractions or addictions or reasons and justifications, you can absolutely avoid that click.

00:21:32.280 --> 00:21:36.444
But I don't recommend it because dreams don't die easily.

00:21:36.444 --> 00:21:42.919
I mean, the brat in your head doesn't die easily either, but neither do dreams right, Dreams do keep on knocking.

00:21:43.180 --> 00:21:45.855
I was having this conversation last night with a couple of girlfriends.

00:21:45.855 --> 00:21:59.026
They were able to manifest these dream guys and when I was watching them tell like how they did it to some other friends who were looking for love, right away I could identify.

00:21:59.026 --> 00:22:01.877
I said they both held their worthiness so high.

00:22:02.559 --> 00:22:02.800
Right.

00:22:03.402 --> 00:22:07.173
And they did not approach dating with a scarcity mindset.

00:22:07.173 --> 00:22:08.557
Neither one of them went online.

00:22:08.557 --> 00:22:10.481
They just knew that it would come to them.

00:22:11.002 --> 00:22:11.925
Pretty key factor.

00:22:12.267 --> 00:22:24.616
It is a pretty key factor, but I don't think a lot of people go into finding the next partner like that go into finding the next partner like that, I agree.

00:22:24.636 --> 00:22:27.021
That's why a lot of people are not successful and exhausted in their search for a partner.

00:22:27.603 --> 00:22:36.188
You give your clients three dates to figure out their strengths, their liabilities, their lies.

00:22:36.188 --> 00:22:37.651
Talk about that.

00:22:38.313 --> 00:22:58.567
I do a radical thing with my clients, because most of my clients come to me after months, if not years, of spinning their wheels, being disappointed, getting into relationships that they find hard to get out of, that don't actually satisfy their criteria, and they are usually quite a bit hopeless and defeated by the time they get to me.

00:22:58.567 --> 00:23:11.942
And so I put down some very strict boundaries, namely that I only give you three dates to determine whether or not someone you're seeing meets your criteria for head, heart and hoo-ha.

00:23:11.942 --> 00:23:15.297
That's the three H's Head, it's practical, your lives fit.

00:23:15.297 --> 00:23:19.877
Heart, you care, you feel good with each other and hoo-ha, you're turned on and attracted.

00:23:20.619 --> 00:23:31.280
So I only give you three dates, because once we invest more time and energy in something, we tend to want to make sure it turns out, regardless of whether or not it fits our criteria, and vice versa.

00:23:31.280 --> 00:23:47.319
So I give you three dates to force you to be much more efficient, much more discerning, much more honest about whether or not the thing is moving in the right direction, and so that you're on purpose, in those three days, really having experiences, asking questions, answering questions, getting to the heart of it.

00:23:47.319 --> 00:23:51.900
And anybody who doesn't want to is wasting your time and is not your person, right?

00:23:51.900 --> 00:23:54.049
So there will be people who are looking for a hookup.

00:23:54.049 --> 00:24:00.266
There will be people who are dating multiple people and have no care in the world about how long it takes, and those are not your people.

00:24:00.266 --> 00:24:08.205
If you're looking to find your long-term monogamous partner quickly, those just won't be your people and you will not spend more than three days with them, if even that.

00:24:08.654 --> 00:24:12.246
When you're dating and you're new to dating and you're trying to figure it out.

00:24:12.246 --> 00:24:15.579
I got better at this as time went on.

00:24:15.579 --> 00:24:19.586
By the time I met my boyfriend, I wasn't tolerating much.

00:24:19.586 --> 00:24:32.817
I'd been dating for a while and I knew that these time wasters were there and I knew that people would spend three months with me and have a great time and but their intentions were never to be in a long-term relationship.

00:24:32.817 --> 00:24:34.222
Their intentions were to pass time.

00:24:35.165 --> 00:24:36.490
Exactly, and some people.

00:24:36.490 --> 00:24:41.267
That is absolutely adequate, especially once there's no biological clock ticking.

00:24:41.267 --> 00:24:49.721
Once you discover the internet has infinite people, you can just entertain yourself, stay busy, avoid loneliness, and again, that's great.

00:24:49.721 --> 00:24:53.045
There's a whole world of humans who want to do that and that's wonderful.

00:24:53.045 --> 00:25:00.684
That's just if you're looking for your long-term commitment, that's not the person you want to be dating and you want to determine that by the end of the third date.

00:25:00.684 --> 00:25:11.461
And there are many things you can do, actually, but one is very obvious, which is asking in a very playful, light manner will help scare off the people who are not looking for that long-term commitment.

00:25:11.461 --> 00:25:12.984
You know, I really am.

00:25:12.984 --> 00:25:15.278
I'm just curious where you are about it.

00:25:15.278 --> 00:25:19.125
Really, no judgment regardless, but this is what I'm into.

00:25:19.125 --> 00:25:20.949
So where are you at about it?

00:25:20.949 --> 00:25:22.740
And then most people will tell you the truth.

00:25:22.740 --> 00:25:31.507
But if they lie and something seems fishy and their actions don't match their words, then I also encourage you to observe the actions, not just the words.

00:25:32.095 --> 00:25:40.982
Do you ever have repeat clients who just give people like a long leash and you can see that they're making excuses and lying to themselves?

00:25:41.535 --> 00:25:42.356
A hundred percent.

00:25:42.356 --> 00:25:59.938
Yes, but that's what I'm here to end, right, that's once you get to me I generally am going to if you've been dating badly and not seeing that all your three H needs are met, I'm going to cut you off and help you detox from that pattern and then I'm putting in the rules so you don't repeat it again.

00:26:00.479 --> 00:26:05.825
Okay, let's talk about fear, cause there's a lot of fear around online dating, dating in general.

00:26:06.444 --> 00:26:06.625
Yes.

00:26:07.046 --> 00:26:11.391
You believe, and I believe this too you really can't scare off your person.

00:26:16.654 --> 00:26:17.317
Exactly so that's a good thing.

00:26:17.337 --> 00:26:17.880
It's the best news ever.

00:26:17.880 --> 00:26:19.970
You're saying you can't mess it up with the one, so we've got that going for us.

00:26:19.970 --> 00:26:20.230
I like that.

00:26:20.230 --> 00:26:27.188
When you're not truthful and you don't show up on the date as your authentic self, why are you robbing yourself?

00:26:27.694 --> 00:26:30.144
I mean, I think that's a very beautifully leading question.

00:26:30.144 --> 00:26:36.876
It's a very simple answer, which is if you're not being yourself, there's no way you're ever going to feel loved.

00:26:37.499 --> 00:26:37.859
Oh yeah.

00:26:38.701 --> 00:26:40.967
And there's no way you're ever going to find the appropriate match.

00:26:40.967 --> 00:26:47.449
Mostly, what people are hiding in those first dates is liabilities, and men and women do it equally.

00:26:47.449 --> 00:26:50.564
Men lie on profiles, women lie on profiles.

00:26:50.564 --> 00:26:51.929
Men and women lie on dates.

00:26:51.929 --> 00:27:01.904
We are purposely putting our best foot forward and, whereas I agree you should put your best foot forward on a date, you should be as sparkly and charming as you possibly can be.

00:27:01.904 --> 00:27:09.720
Your goal is not to hide the parts of you that are not quote unquote ideal, because it doesn't do you any favors.

00:27:09.720 --> 00:27:34.857
It will be coming out eventually, and it's better to look for someone who is not offended by, or is even charmed by, your liabilities than to end up with someone who's going to be shocked and appalled by them and then reject you later, or you have to reject them later, once you're already attached and invested you believe people have more strengths than liabilities, so that's another positive thing we can take from this conversation.

00:27:36.619 --> 00:27:58.041
And I remember when I got divorced I got divorced with a baby and I was in my early 30s and I had my photography business but I felt the fact that I was alone with a baby on my hip, dating that no one would want me and that was just not true.

00:27:58.335 --> 00:27:59.269
Thank you for saying that out loud, right.

00:27:59.269 --> 00:28:00.361
The things people think are deal killers, carrie.

00:28:00.361 --> 00:28:00.849
I you for saying that out loud, right.

00:28:00.849 --> 00:28:02.284
The things people think are deal killers, carrie.

00:28:02.284 --> 00:28:07.641
I mean, let me tell you some of the top things people think are deal killers I want to live where I want to live.

00:28:07.641 --> 00:28:08.762
I want kids.

00:28:08.762 --> 00:28:09.545
I don't want kids.

00:28:09.545 --> 00:28:12.857
I have a kid, I have an STD.

00:28:12.857 --> 00:28:18.993
These are things that take people off the market for years, if not ever.

00:28:18.993 --> 00:28:21.300
Ever, because people are so.

00:28:21.300 --> 00:28:22.183
Oh, I don't like my body.

00:28:22.183 --> 00:28:23.115
That's number five.

00:28:23.297 --> 00:28:24.601
Or I've had illness.

00:28:24.601 --> 00:28:25.805
That's another one I hear.

00:28:26.406 --> 00:28:27.790
Yes, exactly so.

00:28:27.790 --> 00:28:34.748
Those types of things take people off the market for years, if not forever, absolutely inappropriately.

00:28:34.748 --> 00:28:37.823
What's really true is you're scared, period.

00:28:37.823 --> 00:28:38.546
That's the truth.

00:28:38.546 --> 00:28:43.300
If you're looking for truth, the lie is that nobody will want me with fill in the blank.

00:28:43.300 --> 00:28:44.946
It's just not true.

00:28:44.946 --> 00:28:52.607
I can give you so many more counter examples than statistical backup for what you believe to be as the reason you cannot have love.

00:28:52.607 --> 00:29:00.568
People are so irresponsible with how they use statistics to prove their bad theories about love.

00:29:00.568 --> 00:29:03.882
Responsible with how they use statistics to prove their bad theories about love.

00:29:03.882 --> 00:29:04.324
I can't even tell you.

00:29:04.324 --> 00:29:04.986
So do not believe your own hype.

00:29:04.986 --> 00:29:15.020
Please do not believe your own propaganda about why you are damaged goods not good enough, not lovable, not, uh, you know not someone, somebody would choose it for some person you have.

00:29:15.020 --> 00:29:17.349
Coming with a kid is the best, is the best.

00:29:17.349 --> 00:29:17.490
I?

00:29:17.490 --> 00:29:18.714
I coach some of those people.

00:29:18.714 --> 00:29:19.136
They go.

00:29:19.136 --> 00:29:20.260
I just want someone with a kid.

00:29:20.260 --> 00:29:22.496
How do you explain?

00:29:22.536 --> 00:29:25.682
that Well, I think the limiting beliefs are a huge thing.

00:29:25.682 --> 00:29:33.414
I know in my life and people ask me this sometimes they're like, why do you talk about your ADD on your show often?

00:29:33.414 --> 00:29:39.637
And I'm like, well, I have it and it can be a complication in a relationship.

00:29:39.637 --> 00:29:42.740
It takes a special person to kind of be patient with it.

00:29:42.740 --> 00:29:47.365
But it is also one of my gifts is the hyper-focus.

00:29:48.007 --> 00:29:51.009
Yeah, those are great examples of liabilities.

00:29:51.009 --> 00:29:53.031
And I say everyone has about seven.

00:29:53.031 --> 00:30:01.461
So if you haven't discovered your partner's seven and you haven't revealed your seven, you're a little behind and you better get on that by the end of the third date.

00:30:01.461 --> 00:30:04.589
If there's 25, that person is not for you.

00:30:04.589 --> 00:30:07.497
If there's only three, you haven't gotten to know them well enough.

00:30:07.837 --> 00:30:11.915
And the goal is that some of the liabilities are charming to you, right?

00:30:11.915 --> 00:30:14.243
My husband's arrogance is charming to me.

00:30:14.243 --> 00:30:17.192
I like when he sweats and smells bad.

00:30:17.192 --> 00:30:18.837
That is not a problem for me.

00:30:18.837 --> 00:30:23.260
That is charming to me because I like that smell Could be how I was raised.

00:30:23.260 --> 00:30:27.786
So some of the liabilities are charming to you, inoffensive to you.

00:30:27.786 --> 00:30:31.474
Some of them are just not neither right.

00:30:31.474 --> 00:30:33.122
Like I insisted on living in New York.

00:30:33.122 --> 00:30:36.101
My husband was fine with living in New York, wasn't good or bad.

00:30:36.101 --> 00:30:38.343
And then some of them are sticky.

00:30:38.343 --> 00:30:43.719
For example, it takes a patient person to know how to manage someone with ADD, for example.

00:30:43.719 --> 00:30:47.969
And for me, you know I was particularly mean and that did not.

00:30:47.969 --> 00:30:49.419
That wasn't great for my husband.

00:30:49.419 --> 00:30:51.605
So that was a liability that actually impacted him.

00:30:51.605 --> 00:30:55.983
But we used it to grow together instead of letting it destroy us.

00:30:55.983 --> 00:31:06.048
So the liabilities can line up in any of those three ways, but to avoid even looking at the liabilities your own and theirs is a huge mistake.

00:31:06.575 --> 00:31:08.383
I'm very impressed with your TED talk.

00:31:08.383 --> 00:31:11.124
Tell me a little bit about that process.

00:31:11.124 --> 00:31:28.490
You had to get up in front of all these people and speak from the heart, and that's when TED talks are really successful, when you lose the cue cards and you really speak from the heart and you speak from pain and you speak from growth.

00:31:29.215 --> 00:31:34.228
I mean, I think you and I have this in common that we see the power of being our authentic selves.

00:31:34.228 --> 00:31:38.646
We see that it helps us be grounded and self-loving.

00:31:38.646 --> 00:31:42.277
We see that it helps other people, the right people connect to us.

00:31:42.277 --> 00:31:47.479
We see that it opens up the hearts and minds of other people about how they can be more authentically true to themselves.

00:31:47.479 --> 00:31:52.380
So to your point about speaking about something that could be considered a liability, like ADD, it's.

00:31:52.380 --> 00:31:52.680
It's.

00:31:52.680 --> 00:31:55.307
You do that for yourself, to love yourself.

00:31:55.307 --> 00:32:07.145
You do that to inspire other people and you do that to you know, to create a culture of acceptance and truth, which is is really the healthiest kind of culture to have in the world.

00:32:07.145 --> 00:32:09.076
I learned that through my training.

00:32:09.156 --> 00:32:21.819
Part of my training to to coach in this methodology was to tell all my lies to the people I lied to was to go back to all my haunting incidents from my history and find out what really happened and find out what the other people's perspectives were.

00:32:21.819 --> 00:32:24.183
So I went into that talk.

00:32:24.183 --> 00:32:36.545

Let's Get Honest: Is It Lying, A Liability Or A Limiting Belief? With Coach Laurie Gerber

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