May 19, 2024

Mastering the Five Stages of Dating: Men are From Mars Women are From Venus's Dr. John Gray

Mastering the Five Stages of Dating: Men are From Mars Women are From Venus's Dr. John Gray
Apple Podcasts podcast player badge
Spotify podcast player badge
Castro podcast player badge
RSS Feed podcast player badge
Apple Podcasts podcast player icon Spotify podcast player icon Castro podcast player icon RSS Feed podcast player icon

Today, we'll take a deep dive into the dating world with the one and only Dr. John Gray. He is the mastermind behind the global sensation 'Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus,' with over twenty books, including his most recent 'Beyond Mars and Venus. Dr. John Gray's insights have captivated audiences worldwide, from Oprah to Barbara Walters. Stay tuned as we discuss the timeless wisdom of Dr. John Gray's classic Mars and Venus on a Date, uncovering the five stages of dating as your success comes down to attraction, uncertainty, exclusivity, intimacy, and engagement. Whether you're single, separated, or newly jumping into the dating pool, this episode is for you!

Dr. John Gray is the most well-known relationship expert in the world! He's the author of the highly acclaimed, widely popular, and most trusted relationship book of all time: Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. USA Today listed his book as one of the ten most influential books of the last quarter-century. In hardcover, it was the bestselling book of the 90s. Dr. John Gray's books have been translated into over 45 languages in more than 100 countries and continue to be bestsellers. 

This episode shines a light on the five stages of dating to help you navigate the intricate dance of modern dating; Dr. Gray and I dissect the expectations and pressures influencing how men and women approach the quest for connection. We explore the importance of reciprocity and emotional bonding and how physical closeness can sometimes lead us astray from forming deeper, more meaningful relationships. Tune in as we delve into the art of communication, the significance of small acts of love, and how these elements are crucial in understanding and appreciating the unique language of love between individuals.

As our conversation culminates, we offer insights into the delicate process of building commitment. Dr. Gray imparts his wisdom on the critical role of maintaining individuality and balance in a growing relationship. Whether finding love for the first time or fostering an existing flame, this episode equips you with the tools to converse with depth, deepen emotional connections, and foster a lasting commitment. Prepare to transform your perspective on dating and engage with love in more profound and enriching ways.

Please subscribe and leave a review supporting Shot@Love; you can listen for a free on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and all major podcast platforms. 

Chapters

00:02 - Dr. John Gray on Relationships

12:54 - The Dynamics of Gender Roles

19:45 - Navigating the Five Stages of Attraction

27:37 - Navigating the Stages of Relationships

34:09 - Navigating Communication Between Men and Women

46:23 - Building Intimacy and Commitment in Relationships

56:51 - Navigating Love and Communication in Relationships

Transcript
WEBVTT

00:00:02.423 --> 00:00:04.548
I'm Carrie Brett and this is Shot at Love.

00:00:04.548 --> 00:00:10.285
Today, we'll take a deep dive into the dating world with the one and only Dr John Gray.

00:00:10.285 --> 00:00:16.065
He is the mastermind behind the global sensation men are from Mars, women are from Venus.

00:00:16.065 --> 00:00:27.394
With over 20 books, including his most recent, beyond Mars and Venus, dr John Gray's insights have captivated audiences worldwide, from Oprah to Barbara Walters.

00:00:27.394 --> 00:00:43.308
Stay tuned as we discuss the timeless wisdom of Dr John Gray's classic Mars and Venus on a Date uncovering the five stages of dating, as your success comes down to attraction, uncertainty, exclusivity, intimacy and engagement.

00:00:43.308 --> 00:00:48.886
Whether you're single, separated or newly jumping into the dating pool, this episode's for you.

00:00:52.293 --> 00:00:56.204
Dr John Gray is the most well-known relationship expert in the world.

00:00:56.204 --> 00:01:04.614
He's the author of the highly acclaimed, widely popular and most trusted relationship book of all time Men Are From Mars, women are from Venus.

00:01:04.614 --> 00:01:10.930
Usa Today listed his book as one of the 10 most influential books of the last quarter century.

00:01:10.930 --> 00:01:14.545
In hardcover, it was the best-selling book of the 90s.

00:01:14.545 --> 00:01:22.248
Dr John Gray's books are translated in over 45 languages in more than 100 countries, and it continues to be a bestseller.

00:01:22.248 --> 00:01:26.661
It is my honor to welcome Dr John Gray back for a second time.

00:01:26.661 --> 00:01:30.087
So, without further ado, dr John Gray, hi John.

00:01:30.549 --> 00:01:31.811
Hi, happy to be with you.

00:01:32.152 --> 00:01:33.381
I'm so happy to have you.

00:01:33.381 --> 00:01:39.701
This was a bucket list moment the first time, so to have you back, I just can't even believe.

00:01:39.701 --> 00:01:45.200
The last time you were on, it was Valentine's Day and the episode was really popular.

00:01:45.200 --> 00:01:55.710
It also won a communicator award, which no surprise there, because you're such an amazing person to interview and you're so knowledgeable about relationships.

00:01:55.710 --> 00:02:20.373
In that interview you mentioned one of your previous books that I didn't have time to read because I had so much that I had to research about you, but you mentioned the book Mars and Venus on a Date and I thought this could be really great, because these principles and these five stages, if you know them, really set you up for success.

00:02:21.560 --> 00:02:27.662
Yeah, yeah, and in each stage, when you kind of sense I'm in that stage, you can be recognize.

00:02:27.662 --> 00:02:38.516
Okay, what are the mistakes most people make at that stage and how do I avoid making those mistakes so that we can continue to bond and grow together if there's potential?

00:02:38.937 --> 00:02:53.141
At one point in your book you say something like it's a secret weapon or something around that you almost don't want to tell people that you read it, because it really gives you the keys to navigating through these different stages.

00:02:53.603 --> 00:02:59.241
Well, I didn't say don't tell anybody whatever it was, people don't know this, they don't know this.

00:02:59.241 --> 00:03:07.247
So when, when the states naturally shift in a relationship, we have to apply new insights, otherwise we sabotage ourselves.

00:03:07.247 --> 00:03:14.566
So many people sabotage and we'll explore those Unknowingly sabotage Not just people who consciously sabotage.

00:03:14.566 --> 00:03:19.359
But I know that you're doing your very best and you end up doing the thing that might make it go south.

00:03:20.822 --> 00:03:29.382
I don't understand how all these people have met lifelong partners without knowing all this information.

00:03:29.382 --> 00:03:34.961
I mean, I guess some people have gotten lucky and I know from listening to your story.

00:03:34.961 --> 00:03:37.707
You had to date differently your wife.

00:03:37.707 --> 00:03:39.872
You had to come back and try things differently.

00:03:40.180 --> 00:03:43.227
It was a very simple thing with my wife, which is Bonnie.

00:03:43.227 --> 00:03:45.450
When I met Bonnie, I was in love with her.

00:03:45.450 --> 00:03:51.509
She was in love with me, but I had been a monk for nine years and she had two little children from a previous marriage.

00:03:51.509 --> 00:04:02.831
And she, basically, when I wanted to marry her to keep a long story short, it was she said finalize, you're not ready to be married.

00:04:02.831 --> 00:04:05.436
At that point I wanted to be married.

00:04:05.436 --> 00:04:09.908
So there was another woman who had been pursuing me and she was pursuing me.

00:04:09.908 --> 00:04:14.848
I was trying to go back but hey, if Bonnie doesn't want to marry me, I'll just marry this woman.

00:04:14.848 --> 00:04:17.244
And that was a woman I married for two years.

00:04:17.244 --> 00:04:25.560
Her name was Barbara and our relationship primarily didn't work because she was more of the man and I was more of the woman.

00:04:25.819 --> 00:04:30.329
I wasn't yet financially self-sufficient, I didn't have a full-time job.

00:04:30.329 --> 00:04:32.293
I had started one.

00:04:32.293 --> 00:04:36.790
I was starting to have that because I've been a monk and you had no job at that point.

00:04:36.790 --> 00:04:40.125
And, barbara, I'm a teacher.

00:04:40.125 --> 00:04:43.271
So I wanted to start teaching about enlightened sexuality.

00:04:43.271 --> 00:04:49.550
After I was had not had sex for nine years, I started having sex again and I realized there's another way to do this.

00:04:49.550 --> 00:04:56.288
I called it enlightened sexuality, which is, you know, my heart was so full of love after so many years of meditation.

00:04:56.288 --> 00:05:12.252
Always be mindful in making love that you're only experiencing the pleasure and stimulating pleasure in order to feel more, so that you can feel more love and express that love.

00:05:12.252 --> 00:05:15.747
So you always make love the priority and you have a different experience.

00:05:15.747 --> 00:05:25.512
So I was teaching that class back back in those days and with um, with barbara, and she really helped me build my business.

00:05:25.572 --> 00:05:49.425
We became a couple, but the relationship didn't work because we were following a lot of the rules of what modern psychology was saying at the time, which is that there's not much difference between men and women and that men have to open their hearts by talking about their feelings and expressing themselves, and women needed to be, uh, listening to that.

00:05:49.425 --> 00:05:50.307
But what?

00:05:50.307 --> 00:06:03.165
What it will inevitably happen is the passion went away because if we didn't have tools that would boost my masculinity and boost her femininity, the polarity wasn't there.

00:06:03.165 --> 00:06:05.430
So the the attraction disappeared.

00:06:05.430 --> 00:06:07.963
I remember after two years I was shocked.

00:06:07.963 --> 00:06:09.305
Here I am with this beautiful woman.

00:06:09.305 --> 00:06:11.880
She's naked in bed and I can't even get turned on.

00:06:11.880 --> 00:06:15.206
What in the world was happening?

00:06:15.206 --> 00:06:18.754
So she fell in love with another man.

00:06:18.754 --> 00:06:26.194
Then she got married to another man another man, another man so that polarity she would neutralize polarity in all her relationships.

00:06:26.194 --> 00:06:27.201
I presume I don't know.

00:06:27.201 --> 00:06:30.189
All I know is for me I had a wake-up call.

00:06:30.189 --> 00:06:33.363
I had made big mistakes in that relationship, and what were they?

00:06:33.363 --> 00:06:42.505
And then, after a year of healing my heart because I was devastated when I was teaching relationship courses, and my wife falls in love with another man.

00:06:42.505 --> 00:06:43.468
What's that about?

00:06:43.468 --> 00:06:54.740
And I realized it was because everything I did I had to question and I questioned it and reversed everything around.

00:06:55.420 --> 00:07:03.132
There was a very significant time in my history where my father had been found dead in the trunk of his car.

00:07:03.132 --> 00:07:05.043
It was shocking to me.

00:07:05.043 --> 00:07:06.949
I had to go get into the trunk.

00:07:06.949 --> 00:07:09.610
I saw where he had died of heat asphyxiation.

00:07:09.610 --> 00:07:13.944
Someone had robbed him, he picked up a hitchhiker and he had died that way.

00:07:13.944 --> 00:07:16.971
My family's around the car and I just wanted to get in.

00:07:16.971 --> 00:07:23.449
I wanted to know what my father went through I'm a bit dramatic and the back window.

00:07:23.449 --> 00:07:32.947
He had unscrewed it with a screwdriver in the trunk just to get air and I pulled it back even further and without thinking, and my family's on the other side of the trunk.

00:07:32.947 --> 00:07:42.028
I just reached my hand out and then, as I was pulling my hand back out, my brother said oh, john, see if you can reach around and look and press the button.

00:07:42.028 --> 00:07:44.108
And so I reached around, pressed the button and it opened the button.

00:07:44.108 --> 00:07:45.497
And so I reached around, pressed the button and it opened the trunk.

00:07:45.497 --> 00:07:53.244
I realized, of course, that was my dad could have gotten out if he had thought to think the opposite way.

00:07:53.925 --> 00:08:04.069
So as a marriage counselor, I started looking at every problem from the opposite way and realized that in many ways women had the opposite need than men have.

00:08:04.069 --> 00:08:12.656
So that became the beginning of Men Are From Mars, women Are From Venus, my journey of developing how men and women are different.

00:08:12.656 --> 00:08:17.415
I started developing those ideas and I got very successful at it.

00:08:17.415 --> 00:08:25.132
Then I went back and I married Bonnie, because my attraction to Bonnie was a very healthy attraction, which is I wanted to provide for her.

00:08:25.132 --> 00:08:27.968
I just didn't have the money to do it, the job to do it.

00:08:27.968 --> 00:08:29.132
I wasn't ready to do it.

00:08:29.132 --> 00:08:34.712
So and she was looking for a man who would be there for her while she was raising her children.

00:08:35.355 --> 00:08:43.085
And that was the dynamic where I was very masculine with Bonnie and she was very feminine, and but what I mean by masculine and feminine is just men.

00:08:43.085 --> 00:08:45.932
The masculine side of us solves problems.

00:08:45.932 --> 00:08:48.605
The feminist side of us points out the problems.

00:08:48.605 --> 00:08:56.467
One part of us is very independent, one part of us is very dependent, and that's just parts of us.

00:08:56.467 --> 00:09:03.331
As people hear this, I don't want them to get the idea that women should just be one way, men should be just one way.

00:09:03.331 --> 00:09:05.017
We have both sides.

00:09:05.197 --> 00:09:24.027
But my first marriage failed because I was too far on my feminine side and my wife was too far on her masculine side, and so when we came close together, the polarity wasn't there, because once you start having sex, which is becoming naked, her body is a big part of it.

00:09:24.027 --> 00:09:29.028
She's now feminine and I'm masculine, but my masculinity wasn't strong enough.

00:09:29.028 --> 00:09:30.934
Her femininity wasn't strong enough.

00:09:30.934 --> 00:09:40.489
So I don't know if everybody could understand that whole journey, which sometimes I take an hour to explain, but that's what happened when we didn't have the polarity.

00:09:40.489 --> 00:09:41.631
It didn't last.

00:09:41.692 --> 00:09:52.114
With Bonnie, the opposite, a woman that I pursued uh, my first wife was a woman who pursued me, offered me all kinds of things and would do whatever I wanted.

00:09:52.114 --> 00:09:58.509
Uh, she was completely codependent in that sense of her happiness was based upon my happiness.

00:09:58.509 --> 00:10:02.981
She was pursuing me, whereas bonnie you know she had, she was the gatekeeper.

00:10:02.981 --> 00:10:06.404
She said no, no, no, I deserve this, I want this, I want that.

00:10:06.404 --> 00:10:08.885
And I was like, okay, I'll do that, I'll do that.

00:10:09.427 --> 00:10:21.754
And this is the proper balance in stage one of dating, which is a woman wants to make sure that the man who's pursuing her wants her more than she wants him.

00:10:21.754 --> 00:10:24.397
It just helps you find this balance of.

00:10:24.397 --> 00:10:29.889
In a sense, you're the queen and he has to earn his right in through the gates to get to you.

00:10:29.889 --> 00:10:31.232
And you're not that easy.

00:10:31.232 --> 00:10:38.903
And if women are in touch with their actual biology, they're not that easy, because a woman really wants to have sex.

00:10:38.903 --> 00:10:57.866
For example, when her estrogen levels rise to a very high level, it has to normally double in order for her to feel I want to have sex with this man unless she has a father issue, and many women today do have father issues because their fathers weren't there or they were dysfunctional fathers.

00:10:57.866 --> 00:11:07.908
When you have a father issue this is standard psychology you tend to be codependent, wanting to please a man to get his love.

00:11:07.908 --> 00:11:11.065
You shouldn't want to please a man to get his love.

00:11:11.065 --> 00:11:19.831
You should be with a man who wants to please you, to get your love, and when he does things to get your love, then he gets the love he's looking for.

00:11:19.831 --> 00:11:21.422
That's the right balance.

00:11:21.422 --> 00:11:26.860
So a lot of women, you know, back in the 90s when I wrote a lot of this stuff.

00:11:26.942 --> 00:11:30.570
One of the other very popular books is you know why didn't he call back?

00:11:30.570 --> 00:11:32.664
You know why doesn't he call back?

00:11:32.664 --> 00:11:34.715
He didn't call back because he didn't bond with you.

00:11:34.715 --> 00:11:37.403
He can't bond with you if you're trying to please him.

00:11:37.403 --> 00:11:40.027
Men bond by pleasing you.

00:11:40.027 --> 00:11:45.475
And if you make, if you're just busy giving to him, then he's, he's happy to be on his female side.

00:11:45.475 --> 00:11:48.384
If you pursue me, I okay, I like that.

00:11:48.384 --> 00:11:52.433
You're, you're nice on the list, who's next, who's next, who's next?

00:11:52.922 --> 00:12:09.490
But if a man actually feels you know there's something really special in you and he'll grow in that feeling of you're really special when he does something like he takes you on a date and you had a good time, or he takes you on a date and you had a good time, or he takes you on a date and you pointed out the food was too cold and it didn't work, there's this.

00:12:09.490 --> 00:12:12.485
He kind of goes ah, you know she's too hard to please.

00:12:12.485 --> 00:12:22.393
Or you're a modern woman and you go on a date and a guy takes you to date and the bill comes and you, you basically say I'll pay, there's no bonding.

00:12:22.393 --> 00:12:24.325
He doesn't bond them, right, he?

00:12:24.325 --> 00:12:26.792
He bonds when he does something for you.

00:12:26.792 --> 00:12:28.842
Or you say let's split the check.

00:12:28.842 --> 00:12:30.166
It says okay.

00:12:30.505 --> 00:12:36.625
Then there's no sense of I provided something for her and she appreciated it.

00:12:36.625 --> 00:12:39.051
That's what women don't understand about men.

00:12:39.051 --> 00:12:42.246
You don't owe him anything If you're on a date and he does everything for you.

00:12:42.246 --> 00:12:44.400
You don't owe having sex or anything.

00:12:44.400 --> 00:12:50.273
What you have to realize in a sense of a transaction the transaction is complete if you had a good time.

00:12:50.273 --> 00:12:54.110
Right, because that's what his goal is is for you to have a good time.

00:12:54.760 --> 00:12:58.950
You said something important in the book, which was women.

00:12:58.950 --> 00:13:05.169
Nowadays, this is a big topic where I don't want them to open the door for me.

00:13:05.169 --> 00:13:06.231
I don't want them to pay.

00:13:06.231 --> 00:13:11.773
If they pay, then they think that they'll get something for that.

00:13:11.773 --> 00:13:15.029
Well, that again is a worthiness issue.

00:13:15.029 --> 00:13:23.147
So if you feel that way, why would you be going out with a guy that you think if buys you dinner, you owe him?

00:13:23.147 --> 00:13:24.966
Why would you waste your time?

00:13:25.580 --> 00:13:27.405
Well, let me, let me validate those women.

00:13:27.405 --> 00:13:28.769
They're not foolish and stupid.

00:13:28.769 --> 00:13:33.750
I mean really the point, the point of view is we all want fairness, we want equality.

00:13:33.750 --> 00:13:36.446
You know, that's a nice thing If there's a transaction.

00:13:36.446 --> 00:13:41.302
If I do something for you, naturally you want to do something for me, and that's a good thing.

00:13:41.342 --> 00:13:53.476
About women, more so than men, is women do have this reciprocity gene, which is, if you do something for a woman, she then does feel I want to do something back to you.

00:13:53.476 --> 00:13:55.864
Ok, if she doesn't, she'll feel a little guilty.

00:13:55.864 --> 00:14:07.341
And now, if you do something for a man, he doesn't necessarily feel guilty if he doesn't do something back, guilty if he doesn't do something back.

00:14:07.341 --> 00:14:11.072
Quite often a man will do something for you and a man will be in the room and you'll be appreciating him doing something for him.

00:14:11.072 --> 00:14:15.934
And when you do something for him, he assumes I must have done something to already earn it.

00:14:15.955 --> 00:14:21.690
I don't know if people can follow that logic, but it's an amazing logic about men.

00:14:21.690 --> 00:14:31.370
When women start waiting on men, men assume I must have done a good job, so I don't have to do anything, whereas if I'm waiting on my wife, I'm doing things for her, she goes oh, that was so nice, I want to give back to him.

00:14:31.370 --> 00:14:47.403
There's a reciprocity thing which is much stronger in women, and so there's that dynamic of women will often assume that if men are the same as women, if I do things for him, he'll want to do things for me.

00:14:47.403 --> 00:14:51.522
But when you're dealing with a man, if you do things for him, he likes you.

00:14:51.522 --> 00:14:57.802
He's not going to bond with you, he's not going to pursue you, he's not going to can feel more connected to you right.

00:14:58.083 --> 00:15:01.692
So if you give more, you're not getting more that's exactly right.

00:15:01.852 --> 00:15:04.788
it's inevitable if you give more, you get less, you get less.

00:15:04.788 --> 00:15:05.169
That's right.

00:15:05.230 --> 00:15:13.313
That's right, because if you're giving constantly, then you're really pursuing, or there's a reason.

00:15:13.313 --> 00:15:14.424
Why are you giving so much?

00:15:14.424 --> 00:15:17.389
Why are you turning yourself into a pretzel and doing all those things?

00:15:17.389 --> 00:15:19.085
Well, you must not feel good about yourself.

00:15:19.847 --> 00:15:20.649
That's exactly right.

00:15:20.649 --> 00:15:25.440
But I want to just say it's not always you don't feel good about yourself.

00:15:25.440 --> 00:15:27.083
None of us feel perfect about ourselves.

00:15:27.083 --> 00:15:32.082
But it's really more about just simply assuming that he's more like a woman.

00:15:32.082 --> 00:15:39.644
If I give things for him, he'll want to give things for me, because if I give things to a woman, I'm going on a date.

00:15:39.644 --> 00:15:43.437
Basically she's going to feel oh, I want to give to you.

00:15:43.918 --> 00:15:49.952
But women should know, on a date where you're just getting to know each other, you're not in a long-term relationship.

00:15:49.952 --> 00:15:56.013
If he provides a meal for you, the fact that you're enjoying that, that's his goal.

00:15:56.013 --> 00:16:05.581
His goal is to make you happy and men maybe don't really, they're not always aware of what's inside, but that will make him aware of what's inside.

00:16:05.581 --> 00:16:08.307
You see, he doesn't feel ripped off.

00:16:08.307 --> 00:16:14.346
If you just feel happy to be with him and then maybe you feel like at the night, a kiss, that's it a kiss.

00:16:14.346 --> 00:16:16.533
If you feel like it, only if you do, you dodge.

00:16:16.533 --> 00:16:24.490
Okay, you clearly get a sense of how do I feel when a man does something for me.

00:16:24.490 --> 00:16:26.293
You might feel like you want to connect a little bit.

00:16:26.293 --> 00:16:27.676
I'm fine.

00:16:27.676 --> 00:16:36.065
But let's say you do a kiss and then the kiss feels really good and then you kind of go oh well, this feels really good and oh, he's enjoying this.

00:16:36.065 --> 00:16:38.668
I can make him enjoy it more and continue going on.

00:16:40.041 --> 00:16:46.033
Often women don't have the communication skill to say okay, say goodnight, we'll see you next time.

00:16:46.033 --> 00:16:53.644
They don't have that because they don't want to hurt his feelings, cause after the kiss maybe she's feeling oh good, potential, I don't want to put them off.

00:16:53.644 --> 00:16:58.416
And there's an illusion, and it is an illusion that all guys are getting laid.

00:16:58.416 --> 00:17:01.288
Okay, so they're all getting laid, it's all happening.

00:17:01.288 --> 00:17:06.075
And so there's a pressure on him to score that night.

00:17:06.075 --> 00:17:08.124
You know men never had this pressure.

00:17:08.124 --> 00:17:14.768
I just want you to know, before birth control you never had any pressure to score with a woman because everybody knew you had to get married first.

00:17:14.768 --> 00:17:15.851
You know there was that thing.

00:17:15.851 --> 00:17:18.584
So you didn't have such a my ego's at stake.

00:17:18.584 --> 00:17:27.195
If I don't get laid and she's over there now feeling because there's birth control, she's a prude if she doesn't say yes right away.

00:17:27.195 --> 00:17:29.867
So all these pressures are on us.

00:17:29.867 --> 00:17:38.204
So then inevitably, couples will have sex before they have enough emotional and mental bonding, and we'll talk about that in a moment.

00:17:38.559 --> 00:17:43.124
But if you don't have bonding, men don't call you back, that's just a simple thing and you feel needy.

00:17:43.124 --> 00:17:44.842
Afterwards Two things occur.

00:17:44.842 --> 00:18:01.053
If you have sex where you go like this and completely connect and you haven't bonded in the heart and in the mind, then afterwards he feels repelled by you to a certain extent and you will feel needy to him to a certain extent.

00:18:01.053 --> 00:18:08.333
And this is a phenomenon which occurs over and over and over again, which gave rise to that concept of why didn't the man call back.

00:18:08.333 --> 00:18:12.105
Concluding, just concluding this idea.

00:18:12.145 --> 00:18:21.541
I know you want to go further, but idea it's not just unworthiness, but there is this unworthiness issue which is which creates daddy issue.

00:18:21.541 --> 00:18:24.509
Okay, if daddy doesn't give to me, then I don't deserve to be loved.

00:18:24.509 --> 00:18:26.506
Just being me, I have to please this guy.

00:18:26.506 --> 00:18:29.208
So there's that tendency to make the people pleaser.

00:18:29.208 --> 00:18:30.305
Certainly that exists.

00:18:30.700 --> 00:18:43.866
But even if that doesn't exist and I'm covering this because some women think they don't have that, all right, just not knowing how different men are, if you have a man who does something for you and you appreciate it, the transaction is complete.

00:18:44.268 --> 00:18:46.402
Yes, you're going to give him what he needs.

00:18:46.402 --> 00:18:57.864
He gave you what you needed a man providing for her, helping her to feel good, and now you're going to help him feel good, and what is the emotional impact of actually a man taking you out to dinner?

00:18:57.864 --> 00:19:05.549
The impact of that is a man doing something you can do for yourself that you don't have to do yourself, and isn't that nice.

00:19:05.549 --> 00:19:11.173
That's the concept of all polarity is you know, women can do it all.

00:19:11.173 --> 00:19:23.160
Doing it all means you can be feminine, you can be masculine, but on this particular night your male side gets a day off and you can be purely feminine.

00:19:23.160 --> 00:19:29.090
And we know all today that so many women are stressed because they feel I can't get back to my female side.

00:19:29.090 --> 00:19:32.405
And theoretically, that's what a relationship can do for women.

00:19:32.405 --> 00:19:45.008
Today you don't need men to provide for you financially anymore as much, but you do need men from my helping you become aware to help you come back to your female side, and that's something called romance.

00:19:45.460 --> 00:19:56.162
I like the appreciating piece because men sometimes can do the big things but they forget about the small things and the women hold on to the little things.

00:19:56.162 --> 00:20:04.903
It's interesting because the men, they just want you to show up and be happy and be thrilled with the fact that they're taking you out on a date.

00:20:04.903 --> 00:20:16.747
These things are so basic and so small, but they become really big when people don't understand that it really comes down to these the way you phrase things.

00:20:16.747 --> 00:20:18.391
So let's go through the stages.

00:20:18.411 --> 00:20:25.863
So the first stage because what you're talking about is the third stage right, right and the reciprocity is further down the line.

00:20:25.903 --> 00:20:29.099
So I'm like I almost want to start from the beginning, which is attraction.

00:20:29.740 --> 00:20:32.729
We did start just to know stage one attraction.

00:20:32.729 --> 00:20:38.061
Be careful, as women, which part of you is attracted to this man.

00:20:38.061 --> 00:20:42.553
Is it your female side that's attracted or your male side, trying to earn love?

00:20:42.553 --> 00:20:44.157
Oh, here's a candidate I can earn his love, that I can pursue him.

00:20:44.157 --> 00:20:45.194
That's going to be your male side trying to earn love.

00:20:45.194 --> 00:20:47.246
Oh, here's a candidate I can earn his love, I can pursue him.

00:20:47.246 --> 00:20:49.207
That's going to be your male side.

00:20:49.207 --> 00:20:50.440
He's never going to bond with you.

00:20:50.440 --> 00:20:53.066
If you're on your male side, you have to go on your female side.

00:20:53.066 --> 00:21:03.724
So, rather than and I'm not recommending be a flower on the wall where the man has to come and ask you out to dance you know that was the traditional thing where women were very feminine.

00:21:03.724 --> 00:21:05.326
They don't take the risk.

00:21:05.326 --> 00:21:06.107
It is a risk.

00:21:06.249 --> 00:21:12.988
I remember my first seventh grade dance party and the boys were on the side of the room, the girls were on the side of the room, and I'm a courageous guy.

00:21:12.988 --> 00:21:17.965
So I walked across the room to a girl that seemed the only girl that was shorter than me.

00:21:17.965 --> 00:21:29.192
I went to her and she was too embarrassed and she said no, she didn't want to be the first person on the floor, so then I walked back all by myself.

00:21:29.192 --> 00:21:31.200
I mean, this is, these are realities here.

00:21:31.200 --> 00:21:33.824
So, but so what?

00:21:33.844 --> 00:21:43.748
What woman wants to do is give a signal to a man in some way that says if you pursue me, I will say yes, that's her, that's role.

00:21:43.748 --> 00:21:50.729
She shouldn't walk across the dance floor but she should be looking at a guy and nodding at him and having signals.

00:21:50.729 --> 00:21:52.181
And we used to have signals.

00:21:52.181 --> 00:21:56.730
It was just curl your hair, look at him and smile, and that was a signal.

00:21:56.730 --> 00:22:05.553
The problem is, if you're single, if you're just happy, some men interpret that as a signal when they come on to you and women.

00:22:05.553 --> 00:22:09.928
But in the old days with men, you know what women did in the 50s.

00:22:09.928 --> 00:22:20.364
I can't say I'm not saying, bring that back, but if a man said something inappropriate to you or was too pushy around sexuality, you slap him and all men do that that was it.

00:22:20.423 --> 00:22:20.964
You know it was.

00:22:20.964 --> 00:22:22.627
Now you slap him with a lawsuit.

00:22:22.627 --> 00:22:25.252
I mean that's so funny.

00:22:25.413 --> 00:22:27.986
This is like a crazy, confusing thing it is.

00:22:27.986 --> 00:22:36.229
But so, anyway, letting a man know that if you were to pursue me, I would be open to getting to know you, that's called proceptivity.

00:22:36.229 --> 00:22:47.191
Okay, you're being receptive but you're taking action to let him know, which can even be starting a conversation, you know, it's just if a man is interesting to you but you're not turned on to him.

00:22:47.191 --> 00:22:48.282
This is the danger.

00:22:48.282 --> 00:22:53.303
If you feel sexually attracted to a stranger, you're addicted to porn.

00:22:53.303 --> 00:22:55.208
That's what porn is.

00:22:55.208 --> 00:22:59.849
It's when you, when you have someone you don't know, it produces a lot of dopamine.

00:22:59.849 --> 00:23:08.318
And so suddenly, if someone you don't know produces dopamine inside of you, uh, you, it's just fantasy.

00:23:08.318 --> 00:23:09.541
Okay, so you don't you.

00:23:09.541 --> 00:23:22.646
If your body's designed to fantasy and that's where women become people pleasers they've become co-dependent, and that's father issue, that's insecurity, and you can do a lot of therapy to discover that not all women know they have it.

00:23:22.646 --> 00:23:23.256
They have it.

00:23:23.256 --> 00:23:37.345
Or you can just change your behaviors, and it covers much of it, which is, if you find men who are interested in you and you don't feel sexual attraction to them right away, check it out, practice these new skills with them and you can be more effective at it.

00:23:37.345 --> 00:23:38.877
You don't have to always.

00:23:38.877 --> 00:23:43.048
Just a man doesn't have to be the guy who turns you on right away.

00:23:43.434 --> 00:23:48.560
So many happily married couples were not turned the woman was not turned on to the man right away.

00:23:48.560 --> 00:23:50.686
I've researched this, I've done this 50 years.

00:23:50.686 --> 00:24:06.241
They liked him, he had a good job, they felt, they felt admiration towards him, his character was good, but not a lot was happening down south and as they got to know each other, what happens is these are like we could think of us having two, two heads.

00:24:06.241 --> 00:24:09.798
One is three heads one up here, one in your heart, one down below your legs.

00:24:09.798 --> 00:24:15.124
First, you, you find interest in him, you have conversation with him, you like his ideas.

00:24:15.124 --> 00:24:18.705
You know there's a compatibility there, there's an interest there.

00:24:18.705 --> 00:24:23.583
He's curious to you, you have a curiosity about him, you want to get to know him.

00:24:23.583 --> 00:24:27.837
That's something men don't even relate to, but women understand that, you know.

00:24:27.837 --> 00:24:29.383
I think you get to know that A woman understand that, you know.

00:24:29.383 --> 00:24:32.365
I think you know you get to know that a woman doesn't immediately think I don't want, I'd like to have sex with him.

00:24:32.365 --> 00:24:43.400
If you do, it's fantasy a woman is I'd like to get to know him, see what's there then, as you get to know him, you go on dates together and when you go on dates there he actually does things for you.

00:24:43.400 --> 00:24:44.663
You know words are cheap.

00:24:44.663 --> 00:24:45.806
Action is what is that?

00:24:45.806 --> 00:24:52.214
So now he does action and that action will actually start stimulating these hormones of attraction.

00:24:52.736 --> 00:24:54.239
Estrogen starts going up.

00:24:54.239 --> 00:25:09.022
And as our estrogen goes up in his presence, then when it gets high enough, then the energy you bond down below and you feel like you really want to connect physically so that that's a healthy way for women to go for a man.

00:25:09.022 --> 00:25:10.144
It goes just the opposite.

00:25:10.144 --> 00:25:15.623
You look out at a group of women and you go this is one I can never do it, one, this is one I could.

00:25:15.623 --> 00:25:20.082
Doesn't mean they're the right person, but there's a potential that you have right away.

00:25:20.082 --> 00:25:22.776
Your body feels it and that's the guy.

00:25:22.776 --> 00:25:26.405
If he walks up to you is because his body feels there's a potential you could have sex.

00:25:26.405 --> 00:25:26.836
Okay.

00:25:27.917 --> 00:25:38.746
Another reason a lot of males are afraid to go up to a woman is that they feel guilty wanting to have sex with her without a relationship, because the truth is sex is animalistic unless you have love.

00:25:38.746 --> 00:25:41.041
So there's a little shame that he has.

00:25:41.041 --> 00:25:48.169
He can go up to a girl that you know he doesn't want to have sex with and he can be much more at ease and comfortable.

00:25:48.169 --> 00:25:51.453
And I suggest for the shy guys, start with that.

00:25:51.453 --> 00:25:57.077
Just start with the girls you don't want to have sex with and have conversation with them to learn your conversational skills.

00:25:57.077 --> 00:26:04.599
Then try to maintain those conversational skills with a woman that you do feel an immediate physical attraction towards.

00:26:04.599 --> 00:26:05.602
This is biology.

00:26:05.662 --> 00:26:07.184
So, men, start south.

00:26:07.184 --> 00:26:11.141
Then take your own dates and start doing things for her.

00:26:11.141 --> 00:26:14.821
Then in your conversations you'll fall in love with her mind.

00:26:14.821 --> 00:26:22.986
Uh, it's just, it's a simple direction there, going from south up, and for women it's going from north down.

00:26:22.986 --> 00:26:24.390
And who's the boss?

00:26:24.390 --> 00:26:28.119
Women are the gatekeepers, women are the gatekeepers.

00:26:28.119 --> 00:26:29.162
That's your job, women.

00:26:29.162 --> 00:26:34.982
Men's job is to get in there as much as he can, and a woman has to evaluate and it's as safe as is effective.

00:26:34.982 --> 00:26:35.865
Do I admire him?

00:26:35.865 --> 00:26:36.666
Is he a good guy?

00:26:36.666 --> 00:26:37.517
Does he have a job?

00:26:37.517 --> 00:26:42.900
All your requirements up in your head, just getting to know him, then let him do things for you.

00:26:43.402 --> 00:27:02.144
Then, if you want to have sex with him, Okay, so attraction comes down to motivation, and you want the guy to be motivated to get to know you, and so, when you talk about the communication skills, First of all, that's something he will already feel.

00:27:02.315 --> 00:27:07.404
This is so biological Right, and I know you're guiding me through this, but let me do something I've learned.

00:27:07.536 --> 00:27:08.820
You're like, I wrote this book.

00:27:10.237 --> 00:27:12.315
Let me say something me.

00:27:12.315 --> 00:27:12.917
Do something I've learned.

00:27:12.917 --> 00:27:13.680
You're like I wrote this book.

00:27:13.680 --> 00:27:14.102
Let me say something.

00:27:14.102 --> 00:27:20.768
Well, no, I just want everybody to know in one sentence what the five stages are that we're now filling in that sounds good so the first is the stage of attraction.

00:27:20.807 --> 00:27:22.294
you're attracted to the partner, whatever.

00:27:22.294 --> 00:27:24.800
There's good attraction, not good attraction, we've been talking about that.

00:27:24.800 --> 00:27:37.288
Then the second stage is you feel like, oh, this is a feels really right, you know, and maybe I want to have a serious relationship with this person, there's potential for a longer term relationship, right.

00:27:37.288 --> 00:27:44.336
When you move into the second stage, where you think maybe there's potential, that's the stage of uncertainty.

00:27:44.336 --> 00:27:48.826
You'll start to doubt, he'll start to doubt, it will show up one way.

00:27:48.826 --> 00:27:50.136
She starts to doubt.

00:27:50.136 --> 00:27:56.555
Then, if you get through that stage and we'll talk about that then you get to the stage of no doubt, which is okay, you're the one.

00:27:56.634 --> 00:28:05.365
That's commitment, that's monogamy, we're not fooling around here, we're going to be together, and then that creates a whole new set of problems, and we'll talk about what those are.

00:28:05.365 --> 00:28:11.387
So once you have commitment, then once you have real commitment, then you have deeper intimacy.

00:28:11.387 --> 00:28:14.858
Commitment, then once you have real commitment, then you have deeper intimacy.

00:28:14.858 --> 00:28:33.467
Deeper intimacy actually means not only you're having, uh, better sex, for sure, but the deeper intimacy is deeper feelings that you would never share with somebody begin to come up and that can create a little chaos, uh, and it's often seen as your shadow self comes forth.

00:28:34.676 --> 00:28:40.726
Now, certain days you're not the most loving person and you have to learn how to deal with that not loving person and your partner.

00:28:40.726 --> 00:28:44.925
So this is where you have to have good communication skills to avoid conflict etc.

00:28:44.925 --> 00:29:01.623
And then if you can get through those, then he will make the commitment and, of course, sometimes how to make him, how to create the setting for him to make the commitment to marriage, if that's your goal to be married and become engaged and engagement is a stage.

00:29:01.623 --> 00:29:06.865
So those are your five stages and there's a lot of mistakes we can make in engagement.

00:29:06.865 --> 00:29:13.039
In engagement, you can rush right to get married or you can live for a while engaged, and there's reasons why it's good to do that.

00:29:13.039 --> 00:29:18.801
Anytime you make a mistake in any of these things, it's all repairable quite often sometimes not.

00:29:19.002 --> 00:29:22.718
So the first stage attraction that's kind of animalistic in a sense.

00:29:22.718 --> 00:29:25.744
So that stage you're kind of off to the races.

00:29:25.744 --> 00:29:29.137
So I feel like there's not a lot of problems in that stage either.

00:29:29.178 --> 00:29:38.655
They're like you said you made those again, those great examples where you like somebody as a friend or you gave the example the shy guy.

00:29:38.655 --> 00:29:41.963
Start there, start just communicating, try that.

00:29:41.963 --> 00:29:46.239
So you definitely broke that down within attraction and it was really good.

00:29:46.239 --> 00:29:52.788
I know for a fact that stage two, the uncertainty, is where everything goes haywire.

00:29:52.788 --> 00:30:06.007
That's right A hundred percent, because that's when the men pull away, because they have to have the motivation to come back, and we're like why isn't this person calling?

00:30:06.007 --> 00:30:11.344
And I know I would have been way better at dating and had.

00:30:11.344 --> 00:30:14.317
But then again, you live and you learn.

00:30:14.317 --> 00:30:15.923
But give us some advice.

00:30:16.497 --> 00:30:18.103
Let me do the uncertainty stage here.

00:30:18.596 --> 00:30:19.862
You take it and run with it.

00:30:21.977 --> 00:30:27.823
You know, sometimes it's easier for me to explain this in a quick way because it is a big book and lots of examples.

00:30:27.823 --> 00:30:35.188
If we just understand the hormone system system, the hormone system in a man is whenever he's attracted to you, his testosterone levels are going higher.

00:30:35.188 --> 00:30:43.192
And for a woman, whenever she is, his attraction is going, his testosterone goes up as her estrogen goes up.

00:30:43.192 --> 00:30:50.599
So if a woman becomes more feminine in his presence, then a man becomes more masculine in his presence and so there's a stronger attraction.

00:30:50.599 --> 00:31:00.770
Okay, so you dress up, you look really pretty, a little sex, a little extra skin, showing that your estrogen, showing I'm vulnerable, I'm revealing more a man whoa, I can, I can go for that.

00:31:00.770 --> 00:31:03.357
So he's hoping, wishing his testosterone goes up.

00:31:03.357 --> 00:31:06.304
So there you have that hilarity of attraction.

00:31:06.304 --> 00:31:20.070
Now, when they consummate, when they spend a lot of time together, or if they have sex together, what's going to happen is he's going to connect to his female side by connecting to her, and his estrogen goes really high.

00:31:20.070 --> 00:31:28.907
When a man's estrogen goes really high, like you have a really good date together, he's clicking with you and feeling so good, his estrogen is going really high.

00:31:28.907 --> 00:31:30.609
His testosterone then goes low.

00:31:30.609 --> 00:31:33.498
So good, his estrogen is going really high.

00:31:33.498 --> 00:31:34.220
His testosterone then goes low.

00:31:34.220 --> 00:31:34.741
This is the problem.

00:31:34.741 --> 00:31:39.737
So when his testosterone goes low, how men rebuild testosterone is to disconnect, distance, become separate.

00:31:39.737 --> 00:31:41.279
So he separates.

00:31:41.279 --> 00:31:47.279
And if he doesn't separate enough, well, first, if he separates enough, say he can't see you till next week.

00:31:47.721 --> 00:31:49.324
Typically he wants to spring back.

00:31:49.324 --> 00:31:54.760
You've stretched the rubber band and now he springs back and then he spends time with you for a while.

00:31:54.760 --> 00:31:55.963
He feels at ease with you.

00:31:55.963 --> 00:31:58.016
Uh, there's a comfort zone.

00:31:58.016 --> 00:32:02.326
You could have sex or not have sex, but it's he is feeling a part of you.

00:32:02.326 --> 00:32:03.296
He got what he wanted.

00:32:03.296 --> 00:32:05.621
Then what he'll do is pull back again.

00:32:05.621 --> 00:32:08.448
And so there's this tendency in men to pull back.

00:32:08.448 --> 00:32:09.798
He needs to pull back.

00:32:09.798 --> 00:32:17.164
That's the uncertainty stage, because when he's pulling back he doesn't feel any attraction to you.

00:32:17.164 --> 00:32:18.508
He doesn't hate you, whatever.

00:32:18.508 --> 00:32:23.163
If he actually connected with you too soon, he could.

00:32:23.163 --> 00:32:24.968
Actually, when he pulls back, it's repulsive.

00:32:24.968 --> 00:32:27.958
I have to tell a joke just to lighten this up.

00:32:27.958 --> 00:32:31.903
I saw it in a cartoon because it became common knowledge to a certain extent.

00:32:31.903 --> 00:32:46.415
A woman says to men is it true that when a woman has sex right away with a man, that he will like you less, and the man's response is that well, my experience is I just like myself more.

00:32:48.161 --> 00:32:48.742
I like that.

00:32:48.742 --> 00:32:50.207
That's so good.

00:32:50.207 --> 00:32:55.817
How great would it be to find the love of your life, the man of your dreams?

00:32:55.817 --> 00:33:00.954
Do you believe online dating would work if you had the right tools to be successful?

00:33:00.954 --> 00:33:03.063
Well, I have exciting news.

00:33:03.063 --> 00:33:06.883
I've created your best shot at love masterclass.

00:33:06.883 --> 00:33:13.781
I cannot wait to share with you what's worked for me in my life and for many of my clients that have helped over the years.

00:33:13.781 --> 00:33:20.467
If you enroll in this class, you have a winning mindset and believe in getting help before you start something new.

00:33:20.467 --> 00:33:28.307
If you're ready to see changes in your dating life and want to take action, check out my free webinar at shotatloveco.

00:33:28.307 --> 00:33:37.442
If you decide you're going to choose another path, that you're worth it and you're willing to enroll in the masterclass, you can also register at shotatloveco.

00:33:38.276 --> 00:33:42.364
I designed this masterclass specifically for you to be successful.

00:33:42.364 --> 00:33:52.365
Please know that everything you're going to learn in these nine modules and six coaching calls has been carefully curated for you so you can gain the success you truly want.

00:33:52.365 --> 00:33:54.700
I will be there for you the whole time.

00:33:54.700 --> 00:34:00.420
In the meantime, I wish you all the success and I can't wait to hear about your story of finding love.

00:34:00.420 --> 00:34:05.376
I'm Carrie Brett and I will be your mentor and friend through this incredible journey.

00:34:05.376 --> 00:34:25.902
I recently heard a male comedian say this where, when it comes to talking in men and you talk about this a lot in the book where they just talk and they and they keep talking and they become more intrigued about what they're saying, not more intrigued?

00:34:25.961 --> 00:34:26.483
about you.

00:34:26.483 --> 00:34:29.860
Yeah, that's definitely my stuff, okay, so let me explain that.

00:34:29.860 --> 00:34:33.806
Women are good, are really good at asking questions.

00:34:33.806 --> 00:34:40.112
All right, so on a date you'll ask all these questions and where are you from, and what do you do, and what do you think about this?

00:34:40.112 --> 00:34:41.175
And the elections are coming up.

00:34:41.175 --> 00:34:42.239
What do you think about that?

00:34:42.239 --> 00:34:53.679
As long as you keep pouring questions onto a man, he'll just keep talking about himself again and then he'll like himself more, but he knows nothing about you, and then women will often go away and go.

00:34:53.679 --> 00:34:55.969
He's so narcissistic, he's so selfish.

00:34:55.969 --> 00:34:57.215
He only thought about himself.

00:34:57.215 --> 00:34:58.259
He didn't think about me.

00:34:58.259 --> 00:34:59.704
No, he's not a narcissist.

00:34:59.704 --> 00:35:03.617
He was trying to make you happy because you kept asking him all these questions.

00:35:03.617 --> 00:35:06.043
You ask a man a lot of questions.

00:35:06.043 --> 00:35:16.501
There's not that reciprocity gene that says, oh, now it's my turn to ask her questions, I'm supposed to get to know her.

00:35:16.501 --> 00:35:20.304
He just doesn't know that, even to this day, I'm a master of all this stuff.

00:35:20.655 --> 00:35:33.860
I'm really good at it you really are, but my wife will tell you that my daughter will say he's 80%, because my daughter will be talking about something occasionally and I'll just listen.

00:35:33.860 --> 00:35:39.224
And then I'll just change the subject to what happened in my life and she says no, dad, remember, read your book.

00:35:39.224 --> 00:35:41.443
You're supposed to go oh, that's too bad.

00:35:41.443 --> 00:35:44.909
Oh, I bet you felt it was a bummer or something like that.

00:35:44.909 --> 00:35:47.461
Some kind of response, and then changing the subject.

00:35:47.461 --> 00:36:00.978
Anyway, the point being being we don't understand, we misinterpret each other and often think negative conclusions when there's a potential there for the woman who feels a man just talks about himself all the time.

00:36:00.978 --> 00:36:03.824
Stop asking him questions.

00:36:03.824 --> 00:36:07.259
What you do is you bring the conversation back to yourself.

00:36:07.259 --> 00:36:13.382
And how do you bring the conversation back to yourself without him asking questions, because they're not good at asking questions.

00:36:13.382 --> 00:36:15.635
So what, though, you bring it back?

00:36:15.635 --> 00:36:18.163
Is you ask him a question about something he talks briefly.

00:36:18.163 --> 00:36:19.525
You could even interrupt it.

00:36:19.525 --> 00:36:20.496
That's such a good idea.

00:36:20.496 --> 00:36:22.121
That makes such sense.

00:36:22.121 --> 00:36:23.905
Oh well, you're right about that.

00:36:23.905 --> 00:36:28.864
So you first have to have a positive thing that that, now you're, he's going to feel bonded to you.

00:36:28.864 --> 00:36:33.320
He did something that made you see himself in a good light, so that makes sense.

00:36:33.320 --> 00:36:34.565
What a good idea.

00:36:34.565 --> 00:36:43.577
That's so interesting occasionally in conversations brilliant, you know these things, this man, he'll like you more because you're seeing him in that light in that case.

00:36:43.577 --> 00:36:53.067
But what you're doing primarily to grow in the affection and warmth thing is you're using that as a way to shift from him talking to you talking.

00:36:53.067 --> 00:37:01.460
That makes sense and then, whatever the subject is, you express your point of view, and it's very important that you don't hide your point of view.

00:37:01.460 --> 00:37:05.498
You don't be a people pleaser and try to make a point of view that fits his point of view.

00:37:05.498 --> 00:37:08.266
It's very good to have a different point of view.

00:37:08.266 --> 00:37:24.163
If you have a different point of view, if you have the same point of view, then you come back and say you're amazing, that's exactly what happened to me and I was thinking this too, and I was concluding this and I thought this and that See, you literally have your authentic response.

00:37:24.903 --> 00:37:32.706
Now, authenticity is misunderstood by people and that my authentic response is you're wrong, that's a mistake.

00:37:32.706 --> 00:37:34.480
Okay, that's my authentic response.

00:37:34.480 --> 00:37:41.219
Is argumentative, judgmental, critical, or my authentic response is trying to change your point of view.

00:37:41.219 --> 00:37:42.905
No, you shouldn't think like that.

00:37:42.905 --> 00:37:43.856
You should think like this.

00:37:43.856 --> 00:37:45.543
All of that kills him.

00:37:45.543 --> 00:37:46.567
That turns him off.

00:37:46.567 --> 00:37:48.355
That negates the attraction completely.

00:37:48.355 --> 00:37:50.760
You're trying to change him.

00:37:50.760 --> 00:37:54.027
The business of authenticity is I'm who I am.

00:37:54.027 --> 00:37:55.340
You can be who you are.

00:37:55.340 --> 00:38:03.659
There's no me trying to change you, but the fact that who I am, or my experience, is completely different, wow, your experience was that, my experience is this.

00:38:04.255 --> 00:38:09.722
And so now you're off onto telling your experience and he has a chance to go oh, she has a different point of view.

00:38:09.722 --> 00:38:11.206
That's interesting.

00:38:11.206 --> 00:38:12.376
I haven't thought of that.

00:38:12.376 --> 00:38:13.179
That's curious.

00:38:13.179 --> 00:38:15.724
Maybe she's kind of weird, but I like it.

00:38:16.144 --> 00:38:17.708
See, he likes difference.

00:38:17.708 --> 00:38:20.103
He doesn't want someone being in competition with him.

00:38:20.103 --> 00:38:23.335
If you're him, he wants you to be feminine.

00:38:23.335 --> 00:38:25.197
Okay, him to be masculine.

00:38:25.197 --> 00:38:30.146
He doesn't know all this, he just knows I don't want anybody changing me and I don't know what's over there.

00:38:30.146 --> 00:38:32.429
And I'm getting a chance to start moving into there.

00:38:32.429 --> 00:38:36.746
I mean, can you even see the whole male female biology thing?

00:38:36.746 --> 00:38:38.541
He's moving into her.

00:38:38.541 --> 00:38:41.322
She should never move into him.

00:38:41.322 --> 00:38:43.101
Ok, he moves into her.

00:38:43.101 --> 00:38:46.382
So, so don't ask a little bit of questions.

00:38:46.382 --> 00:38:48.420
That's, that's good, that's the kiss, so to speak.

00:38:48.420 --> 00:38:49.699
Get him talking a little bit.

00:38:49.699 --> 00:38:57.739
Then that becomes a stage for you to open up more.

00:38:57.739 --> 00:38:59.043
Then it becomes a stage because men don't know this stuff.

00:38:59.043 --> 00:39:00.106
They don't understand that women are different.

00:39:00.126 --> 00:39:01.652
He'll come and try to solve your problem.

00:39:01.652 --> 00:39:03.478
Oh well, you're thinking the wrong thing.

00:39:03.478 --> 00:39:05.342
You would be happier of this or whatever.

00:39:05.342 --> 00:39:07.996
And that's what men are born to do is solve.

00:39:07.996 --> 00:39:09.762
That's a testosterone thing, remember.

00:39:09.762 --> 00:39:11.690
Men need 10 times more testosterone.

00:39:11.690 --> 00:39:13.358
Women need 10 times more estrogen.

00:39:13.358 --> 00:39:15.222
So we lean into those things.

00:39:15.222 --> 00:39:17.596
So he's going to try to solve your problem.

00:39:17.596 --> 00:39:25.221
And then you very gracefully say, oh, that makes good sense, I hadn't thought of that, but actually I just need to talk about this.

00:39:25.221 --> 00:39:27.648
I'm not looking for a solution now anyway.

00:39:27.648 --> 00:39:33.619
So then you just back off and you start training him because he doesn't know not to try to change you.

00:39:33.940 --> 00:39:43.675
I'm trying to teach women not not to change men, because clearly it's not like women are great at listening to a man and then not giving him advice, because you actually you do it more than men.

00:39:43.675 --> 00:39:50.860
That's why men don't tell you about their problems, because because if you tell a man a problem I have, you'll have 10.

00:39:50.860 --> 00:39:52.405
You should, should do this, you shouldn't do that.

00:39:52.405 --> 00:39:53.637
Remember this, you remember that.

00:39:53.637 --> 00:40:05.262
So that's a big reason why men don't even talk, because if you talk about what's going on, women just jump into their nurturing gene as a mother and want to smother you with their solutions, and then men feel controlled.

00:40:05.262 --> 00:40:07.675
But that's generally not the problem.

00:40:07.675 --> 00:40:10.222
I'm teaching people because men don't talk that much.

00:40:10.222 --> 00:40:13.376
So but women will have to learn the same thing.

00:40:13.376 --> 00:40:15.302
Don't try to solve your problem.

00:40:15.302 --> 00:40:17.427
I do it in a more graceful way.

00:40:17.586 --> 00:40:20.442
In Men Are For Mars, I say women, you have this home improvement gene.

00:40:20.442 --> 00:40:24.760
You always want to make things better, whatever he says.

00:40:24.760 --> 00:40:25.902
Now you want to make it better.

00:40:25.902 --> 00:40:30.702
And the dating thing don't make it better and the marriage don't make him better.

00:40:30.702 --> 00:40:31.764
That's his job.

00:40:31.764 --> 00:40:34.199
Your job is to be better yourself.

00:40:34.199 --> 00:40:39.159
That's where we keep this nice distance of not trying to control and change each other.

00:40:39.159 --> 00:40:41.989
People can naturally grow in the sunshine of love.

00:40:41.989 --> 00:40:44.358
So that's the second stage.

00:40:44.378 --> 00:40:47.670
No, there's so many different things that you can take from all that.

00:40:48.052 --> 00:40:53.802
Once he gets really close, he tends to have a tendency to pull away, and women have all experienced that to great degrees.

00:40:53.802 --> 00:40:57.096
They just interpret it to mean he's not interested in you.

00:40:57.096 --> 00:40:58.980
It's just he needs to recover.

00:40:58.980 --> 00:41:05.581
See, men, their whole pattern in life is take action and then take rest, take action and then take rest.

00:41:05.581 --> 00:41:12.835
And when the action they take produces a lot of estrogen, then they need to pull back, take action, rest and call you up.

00:41:12.835 --> 00:41:19.648
So we have a time period after a good date where we're not feeling our attraction for you.

00:41:19.648 --> 00:41:28.717
You will have a time period after the date where you actually may increase your attraction for him, you may reflect on him and feel more attraction for him.

00:41:28.717 --> 00:41:32.822
And so when he's not calling you, you feel a neediness.

00:41:32.822 --> 00:41:34.483
You need to have reassurance.

00:41:34.483 --> 00:41:42.717
You're seeking reassurance because he just pulled away and on the date it was like so good, everything was wonderful, and then he pulled away.

00:41:42.717 --> 00:41:44.764
So naturally you would go well, what happened?

00:41:44.764 --> 00:41:48.659
If I was teaching a class and everybody got up, I'd want to hey what happened.

00:41:48.659 --> 00:41:51.222
And then somebody would say well, john, they need to take a pee break.

00:41:51.222 --> 00:41:55.809
Oh, ok, so I'm telling women he just needs to take a pee break, just has to.

00:41:55.809 --> 00:41:57.231
He's pulling back for a while.

00:41:57.231 --> 00:42:07.155
However, think of it like the rubber band has to pull back to become tight enough for him to feel his sexual desire for you, his hope to have sex with you one day.

00:42:07.155 --> 00:42:08.699
See, that's his attraction.

00:42:08.699 --> 00:42:12.536
It has to come back.

00:42:12.536 --> 00:42:15.003
If you interrupt, let's say, the rubber band goes over here, it's still droopy, there's no reaction.

00:42:15.003 --> 00:42:19.862
You don't ask him at that time where are we going in our relationship?

00:42:19.862 --> 00:42:20.943
What's the matter?

00:42:20.943 --> 00:42:22.327
Why didn't you call?

00:42:22.327 --> 00:42:23.697
And what will happen?

00:42:23.697 --> 00:42:30.581
And then the next mistake women make is when he pulls back and then he shows up and gives her a call, the first thing she's going to say is why didn't you call?

00:42:30.581 --> 00:42:36.103
That's getting his hand slapped like he did something wrong, and that has happened to almost every man.

00:42:36.103 --> 00:42:47.724
Therefore, when men pull away here's the modern problem here when men pull away and now thinking about coming back, they're already anticipating getting their hand slapped and they don't want that.

00:42:47.724 --> 00:42:55.336
Ok, so the relationship's over and they don't want that.

00:42:55.336 --> 00:42:56.039
Okay, so the relationship's over.

00:42:56.059 --> 00:42:57.766
And all she had to do was, first of all, not call him up and say why didn't you call?

00:42:57.766 --> 00:42:59.954
Or, if he calls, definitely don't say why did you call?

00:42:59.954 --> 00:43:02.403
Should not be the first thing, just act like it's perfectly normal.

00:43:02.403 --> 00:43:06.237
But even him pulling away, you're over here, feeling insecure.

00:43:06.237 --> 00:43:08.722
You're feeling needing reassurance.

00:43:08.722 --> 00:43:09.865
Did I do something wrong?

00:43:09.865 --> 00:43:10.807
Was I'm not pretty enough?

00:43:10.807 --> 00:43:11.757
Is he, you know?

00:43:11.757 --> 00:43:12.541
And then you go into.

00:43:12.541 --> 00:43:13.364
Well, he's just a jerk.

00:43:13.364 --> 00:43:17.545
That's just a defense reaction to my own insecurity if I'm a woman.

00:43:17.545 --> 00:43:19.402
So, as a woman, I'm over here.

00:43:19.402 --> 00:43:22.878
What you can do, this is the strategy and I want all women to know.

00:43:22.938 --> 00:43:25.626
My daughter wrote a great course on this called Understanding Men.

00:43:25.626 --> 00:43:39.063
I have lots of details on these techniques, but I'm giving you some of them now and they're in my book, some of them.

00:43:39.063 --> 00:43:41.532
When he pulls away, send two texts that week Okay, not the same day, like three or four days away and just let him know.

00:43:41.532 --> 00:43:44.918
Hey, I just was at the bagel shop and they had a new chocolate croissant and it was amazing.

00:43:44.918 --> 00:43:46.822
I went outside, there was a rainbow.

00:43:46.822 --> 00:43:47.764
Can you believe that?

00:43:47.764 --> 00:43:48.545
That's it.

00:43:49.106 --> 00:43:49.907
Right, I love it.

00:43:49.907 --> 00:43:50.889
It's really good.

00:43:51.250 --> 00:43:52.782
Yeah, it's such a good technique.

00:43:52.782 --> 00:43:56.706
So he kind of goes wow, she's not mad at me, that's right.

00:43:56.706 --> 00:43:59.463
She's not like insecure, she's not needy.

00:43:59.463 --> 00:44:01.639
Wow, she's a happy woman.

00:44:01.639 --> 00:44:04.103
I want to be in that bagel shop with her, okay.

00:44:04.103 --> 00:44:15.530
So see, this is giving him space, but also reminding him that this woman that can be happy because all men want is a happy woman, and you can't be happy all the time.

00:44:15.550 --> 00:44:22.498
I don't want to put that burden on women, but at the same time, a man needs to feel when you're unhappy, he can do something that can help you find happiness.

00:44:22.498 --> 00:44:23.501
That's the key to this.

00:44:23.501 --> 00:44:37.235
So then there's the next uh, so you can do that a couple of times and you do that for three or four weeks, and if he still doesn't call you up and ask you for a date or anything, uh, he's gone and it's, it was just not right.

00:44:37.235 --> 00:44:40.403
The person you know it's, it's, it's just next you'd be.

00:44:40.403 --> 00:44:44.545
You have to have the freedom to go from one person to get something clicks and you want to go further?

00:44:44.545 --> 00:44:46.192
Okay.

00:44:46.192 --> 00:44:51.507
So that's the second stage a few issues in that which is for women not to pursue him at that time.

00:44:51.507 --> 00:44:58.157
And if he was to start pursuing you again, don't slap his hand, all right, and these little things you can do in between.

00:44:58.657 --> 00:45:05.519
So the next thing and I'll just say it real simply, but sometimes women say, oh, this is in the uncertainty stage.

00:45:05.519 --> 00:45:06.943
Well, what am I supposed to do?

00:45:06.943 --> 00:45:07.987
Just sit around and wait?

00:45:07.987 --> 00:45:11.715
I go.

00:45:11.715 --> 00:45:12.458
No, you don't sit around and wait.

00:45:12.458 --> 00:45:12.878
You have your life.

00:45:12.878 --> 00:45:15.606
You should have a life so you're not overly dependent on a man to complete you.

00:45:15.606 --> 00:45:20.230
Okay, the the picture that I have of the ideal setting is never perfect.

00:45:20.230 --> 00:45:23.541
Okay, but the ideal setting is I'm a happy person.

00:45:23.541 --> 00:45:27.514
This is for a man or a woman, but when I'm with this person, I'm happier.

00:45:27.514 --> 00:45:29.278
I'm already happy.

00:45:29.278 --> 00:45:36.909
I have what I need to be happy, content in my life, I'm going along, things are working, basically, and when I'm with him I'm happier.

00:45:36.909 --> 00:45:40.342
And I don't have to be happier all the time you have to.

00:45:40.342 --> 00:45:44.456
That's why, in a sense, god made us this way, where you become happier together.

00:45:44.737 --> 00:45:51.456
Then men pull away, women don't pursue, and then what happens is you get a chance to remember.

00:45:51.456 --> 00:46:00.367
I have all these other things in my life and from what I've heard from my teenage daughters was when a girl starts dating a guy, she stops hanging around her friends.

00:46:00.367 --> 00:46:00.648
All.

00:46:00.648 --> 00:46:02.838
They feel like the friends have been dropped completely.

00:46:02.838 --> 00:46:05.347
The guy gets everything, and so that that's the.

00:46:05.347 --> 00:46:06.612
That's unhealthy.

00:46:06.612 --> 00:46:20.083
You should always maintain your family relationships, your friendship, friendship relationships, your work relationships and let the sex relationship be occasional and, more than that, make you go higher and then you come back to the other things.

00:46:20.083 --> 00:46:21.920
So, anyway, this is to keep balance in your life.

00:46:21.920 --> 00:46:22.965
There's wisdom to it all.

00:46:23.494 --> 00:46:28.005
Stage one, stage two, stage three, now stage three you've been going through uncertainty for a while.

00:46:28.005 --> 00:46:30.077
You get closer, pull away, get closer, pull away.

00:46:30.077 --> 00:46:38.878
At a certain point, when a man pulls away and he's pulled away, he's going to feel a bond in his heart and his mind.

00:46:38.878 --> 00:46:53.789
So even if his penis isn't saying, I want to have sex with you, his heart wants to be with you, his mind wants to be with you and you're over here feeling like your mind wants to be with him and your heart wants to be with him, and then you're very easy for your body to want to be with him too.

00:46:53.789 --> 00:47:07.934
So, but this is the key thing on the male side the man has to start feeling a bond with you mentally and emotionally and not just sexually, because after sex it disappears, okay, the hormones of sex go right down, back down to baseline.

00:47:07.934 --> 00:47:16.532
The problem today and this is an and I wish every man could hear this If you want to build a relationship that you can get to the third stage.

00:47:16.532 --> 00:47:22.347
The third stage is where you can feel this attraction to your partner all the time, easy to feel on all levels.

00:47:22.347 --> 00:47:25.525
Now you're ready to make a commitment, okay.

00:47:25.525 --> 00:47:32.222
So now I feel bonded to you enough to where I realize I don't need to go wandering around anywhere else for a partner I can be with you.

00:47:32.222 --> 00:47:33.706
That's from the man's point of view.

00:47:34.146 --> 00:47:40.324
Men have this crazy idea that you know I have to give up something and I give up my freedom to be with you.

00:47:40.324 --> 00:47:46.835
I try to explain to guys if you find a woman that you love and she loves you and you're attracted to, you're not giving up anything.

00:47:46.835 --> 00:47:51.463
You get the best restaurant in town, so don't think that you're giving up McDonald's to have steak.

00:47:51.463 --> 00:47:55.248
Okay, there's nothing at McDonald's except worms, all right.

00:47:55.248 --> 00:47:57.795
So you know, wake up guy.

00:47:57.795 --> 00:47:59.920
So, but they don't have good mentors.

00:47:59.920 --> 00:48:01.164
But anyway, you get.

00:48:01.164 --> 00:48:02.916
You get a good, you get a commitment.

00:48:02.916 --> 00:48:11.266
And that's where, in some cases, you could hold off from sex until you have a good commitment because you, I recommend, do not have for women.

00:48:11.266 --> 00:48:17.447
Do not have sex with a man who's having sex with other women or who's not committed to you.

00:48:17.447 --> 00:48:19.101
You injure yourself.

00:48:19.101 --> 00:48:21.679
Okay, there's a, your heart opens.

00:48:21.920 --> 00:48:28.385
But if you have, if he knows how to do foreplay and you're hot and you go all the way to the orgasm, it's like you really bond with him.

00:48:28.385 --> 00:48:35.099
And then when his energy goes somewhere else, it rips it from you and you don't even know what happened and it makes you kind of crazy.

00:48:35.099 --> 00:48:36.704
Same thing.

00:48:36.704 --> 00:48:42.844
This is the sad truth, which is when men do porn they rip that energy out of the relationship.

00:48:42.844 --> 00:48:45.815
So he always says he sort of goes back to uncertainty again.

00:48:45.815 --> 00:48:56.956
And goes to uncertainty again because when he pulls away during that time of uncertainty as he starts feeling horny and doesn't feel like he can come back to you, he's going to get in trouble.

00:48:56.956 --> 00:49:05.838
Then he will just go masturbate to satisfy his need to have a sexual release, as opposed to getting it with you.

00:49:07.882 --> 00:49:11.306
There's just a lot about sexual potency and attraction.

00:49:11.306 --> 00:49:14.318
Like I've been married now Well, with Bonnie.

00:49:14.318 --> 00:49:20.800
Before she died we were married over 34 years and I was never attracted to any other women.

00:49:20.800 --> 00:49:22.996
Didn't want to be in other women because sex was so great.

00:49:22.996 --> 00:49:23.878
I'll say it like that.

00:49:23.878 --> 00:49:26.264
I would always love her, but the sex was so great.

00:49:26.264 --> 00:49:27.456
What do I need that for?

00:49:27.456 --> 00:49:29.721
And men just don't have that.

00:49:29.721 --> 00:49:34.358
And it's because I had the training as a monk, learning you don't have to masturbate.

00:49:34.978 --> 00:49:40.617
Masturbation is such a loser thing, and so it's very hard for men to make a commitment today.

00:49:40.617 --> 00:49:43.641
And you'll see, they're not making commitments because there's so much doing porn.

00:49:43.641 --> 00:49:46.568
Porn just empties out their sexual potency.

00:49:46.568 --> 00:49:54.201
But that would be to me if I was a woman today.

00:49:54.201 --> 00:50:03.041
I would say making a commitment before I have sex with you is knowing that you're not going to have sex with anybody else, you're not pursuing another relationship, and knowing that you're not masturbating and knowing that you're not masturbating with porn.

00:50:03.041 --> 00:50:12.699
Those would be my requirements to be in a committed relationship.

00:50:12.699 --> 00:50:14.804
Now men will, if that's the requirement and he's falling in love with you.

00:50:14.804 --> 00:50:15.786
He'll make that if you ask.

00:50:16.248 --> 00:50:28.469
But you have to ask and explain to him the dynamics of it, which is there's an energy we can grow together with if our sexual energy is in a container of our relationship, and it may be a discipline.

00:50:28.469 --> 00:50:29.873
You know you, it may be.

00:50:29.873 --> 00:50:40.565
You have a serious addiction and you really need to realize that making love with me will change that addiction and it can help when a man has sex with a woman who you have.

00:50:40.565 --> 00:50:42.335
Any change you make has to be your choice.

00:50:42.335 --> 00:50:45.461
Of course you have to make that commitment to do it like giving up smoking.

00:50:45.461 --> 00:50:51.422
It's a tough thing, you have to commit to doing it, but when you're in a monogamous relationship it's easier.

00:50:52.083 --> 00:51:12.202
If you make the out, if you make the commitment, okay, if you say I'm gonna do it and the woman says I really appreciate it and I need it, and if you break the commitment I can forgive you, but I need to know you breaking the commitment and then we'll start again, because it makes women crazy when they keep bonding through sex with men who release that energy with another woman or another fantasy.

00:51:12.202 --> 00:51:16.021
Okay, this is another thing I found and discovered in therapy.

00:51:16.021 --> 00:51:16.583
These are out.

00:51:16.583 --> 00:51:19.094
This is not being taught in psychology classes.

00:51:19.094 --> 00:51:24.057
They're teaching you to masturbate and they're teaching couples who have no attraction to watch other people have sex.

00:51:24.057 --> 00:51:25.380
This is absurd things.

00:51:25.380 --> 00:51:33.902
Yeah, you have to have the energy of the male and female coming together, but if he does break his commitment, it's like I'm working on breaking my commitment and now we'll start rebuilding again.

00:51:33.902 --> 00:51:38.764
Now we'll start rebuilding again just because, master, with masturbation it happens.

00:51:39.807 --> 00:51:43.621
So, and for women as well, they need to not be using a robot to have sex with either.

00:51:43.621 --> 00:51:44.835
You know, this is a robot.

00:51:44.835 --> 00:51:47.141
There they need to make mode, make love.

00:51:47.141 --> 00:51:51.382
This is where you want to build your potency, with the male energy, the female energy coming together.

00:51:51.382 --> 00:51:54.798
Some of those ideas I know you haven't heard me say they're in the book.

00:51:54.798 --> 00:51:56.106
That's the later john gray.

00:51:56.106 --> 00:51:57.974
But the bottom line there is you make a commitment.

00:51:58.496 --> 00:52:01.222
So what happens in the stage, stage three commitment?

00:52:01.222 --> 00:52:08.382
When a man makes that commitment now he feels like I climbed the mountain, I did the job and now I can relax.

00:52:08.382 --> 00:52:16.534
So all men will just go into doing less, they're just gonna, they're not gonna work on it, they're not gonna do anything.

00:52:16.534 --> 00:52:20.081
They think all right, now you love me, I love you and it.

00:52:20.081 --> 00:52:29.425
And for women, what happens for them, the mistake they make at that time, is they feel him pulling away, he's changing, he's giving less.

00:52:29.885 --> 00:52:30.266
And so what?

00:52:30.266 --> 00:52:33.385
Your tendency as a woman, when you get less is to give more.

00:52:33.385 --> 00:52:40.481
Right Always works with you know, that's the universal law give more, but if you don't have it to give, you get less.

00:52:40.481 --> 00:52:46.891
So when you give a man more than what what he's giving you, you will get more of less.

00:52:46.891 --> 00:52:55.364
That's hard to understand, because if I, as a man, I'm telling you, men, when a woman is giving you less, give her more, and she can't, she can't resist it.

00:52:55.364 --> 00:52:56.405
She has to give you back.

00:52:56.405 --> 00:53:04.208
You could, you know it's like uh, give her the roses, call her up, do things, do things for her, mow her lawn, you know, do physical things.

00:53:04.208 --> 00:53:10.635
You can win her over, if there's a potential for that to exist, because if men give, women will give back.

00:53:10.635 --> 00:53:20.344
If you give to a man and he's not giving to you, he will give less and less and less, and so you sabotage the relationship by trying to pull him back.

00:53:20.344 --> 00:53:25.163
So one thing you can do is be aware of that tendency and don't do it.

00:53:25.163 --> 00:53:27.822
And then you practice a new skill, which is asking for help.

00:53:27.822 --> 00:53:31.416
Asking for help I'm going to give you two biohacks in it.

00:53:31.416 --> 00:53:33.621
Which is if you're now commitment.

00:53:33.722 --> 00:53:35.896
Usually when couples make a commitment, they move in together.

00:53:35.896 --> 00:53:37.018
But we'll see.

00:53:37.018 --> 00:53:37.900
That's been going on.

00:53:37.900 --> 00:53:40.849
That's a disaster, but still practical today.

00:53:40.849 --> 00:53:45.878
Uh, you know, we're all looking for money and it's cheaper to move in together and so forth.

00:53:45.878 --> 00:53:56.440
Just know that he is now a different man, because when he lived in his apartment and you're living in your apartment, you're always getting that nice distance for his rubber band to pull back so he comes to you.

00:53:56.440 --> 00:53:57.543
You're getting the spring back.

00:53:57.543 --> 00:54:02.378
Well, now, the next day, when you're living together, where is he going to pull back to?

00:54:02.378 --> 00:54:05.465
That's where you need to read men from mars understand men in their cave.

00:54:05.465 --> 00:54:08.996
He needs to have a lot of space in order to get close to you.

00:54:10.280 --> 00:54:14.855
I have an exceptionally great sex life, always have, since I've had relationships.

00:54:14.855 --> 00:54:16.217
I'm married again.

00:54:16.217 --> 00:54:27.023
I have another great sex life and it's because I structure my marriage so that I'm always three days at least three days away from my wife and family, so I miss them all.

00:54:27.023 --> 00:54:28.047
That's been my job.

00:54:28.047 --> 00:54:32.644
I didn't like plan that, it's just my job teaching weekend seminars around the country and around the world.

00:54:32.644 --> 00:54:36.639
So I fly out on friday and teach my classes, come back on monday morning.

00:54:36.639 --> 00:54:42.054
Usually I will have a day of myself, of just pure cave time and and.

00:54:42.054 --> 00:54:48.481
But then the first day I get back is all for my wife, cause I am horny and I'm ready to be there and I don't just jump right into bed.

00:54:48.481 --> 00:54:50.380
I do a lot of things for her.

00:54:50.380 --> 00:54:54.143
I fix things, I do stuff, and then that night we make love.

00:54:54.143 --> 00:55:04.221
Then the next day I'll have a pure cave day from the emotional attachment, go back to some book writing and then we have our regular time and then I'm off to leaving town again.

00:55:04.581 --> 00:55:07.643
So I have this wonderful routine and it's not exactly that.

00:55:07.643 --> 00:55:13.027
Sometimes I would just go for one day somewhere, but sometimes two days, sometimes three days, so it'd be like that.

00:55:13.027 --> 00:55:24.943
But I limited it to a total of 10 days a month and we would have on the calendar to make sure that John was only gone 10 days a month and sometimes it was five days at the end.

00:55:24.943 --> 00:55:28.503
I couldn't do five days at the beginning, so there had to be space in between.

00:55:28.503 --> 00:55:30.916
Space is so important Women.

00:55:30.916 --> 00:55:36.717
If you're with a guy and you're living with him and he feels grumpy, irritable, passive, you get sick of that.

00:55:36.717 --> 00:55:38.342
Women complain about this all the time.

00:55:38.342 --> 00:55:39.907
He just lost his motivation.

00:55:40.414 --> 00:55:45.027
He needs time away from you and he doesn't know how to take time away.

00:55:45.027 --> 00:55:50.567
And when I explain this cave idea to men, so many men go oh, this is so good to hear.

00:55:50.567 --> 00:55:51.516
I always feel guilty.

00:55:51.516 --> 00:55:58.239
Taking time for myself, I feel guilty and quite often the woman wants him to feel guilty because then he'll stay with her.

00:55:58.239 --> 00:56:07.601
Because, biologically, what produces the hormone that she needs to cope with stress is estrogen, and estrogen is produced by connecting together.

00:56:07.601 --> 00:56:10.748
It's time together with interdependent relationship.

00:56:10.748 --> 00:56:12.682
I depend on you for one thing, you depend on me for.

00:56:12.682 --> 00:56:26.318
So that connection where she can feel I can depend on someone for companionship and conversation and have protection and all that stuff is raising her estrogen levels, which then allows her to be romantic.

00:56:26.478 --> 00:56:33.427
Keep in mind that for a woman, once you hit reality which is around this, this stage of of commitment, you start hitting reality.

00:56:33.427 --> 00:56:39.041
Before that you're kind of in a fantasy of newness and as little danger with it.

00:56:39.041 --> 00:56:42.958
That produces dopamine, and dopamine produces high testosterone in men.

00:56:42.958 --> 00:56:44.108
Dopamine produces high testosterone in men.

00:56:44.108 --> 00:56:47.721
Dopamine produces high estrogen in women, which means we have polarity.

00:56:47.721 --> 00:56:50.307
More polarity creates more sexual attraction.

00:56:51.815 --> 00:56:59.199
In the uncertainty stage, he's basically pulling away so that then he can once again experience that polarity.

00:56:59.199 --> 00:57:02.487
Then, when he experiences that polarity now I'm ready to.

00:57:02.487 --> 00:57:06.161
I've been through it several times, several times You're the one.

00:57:06.161 --> 00:57:07.023
I want to be with you.

00:57:07.023 --> 00:57:07.724
I value you.

00:57:07.724 --> 00:57:08.675
I make that commitment.

00:57:08.675 --> 00:57:14.427
I don't have to do anything anymore and what he has to do is he's got to have a job.

00:57:14.427 --> 00:57:18.143
Of course, this is really the realistic thing you have to have a job.

00:57:18.143 --> 00:57:20.637
So then what he does is he focuses on.

00:57:20.637 --> 00:57:26.704
I want to make you happy by focusing on my job and not on all the little things that we did when we were dating.

00:57:26.954 --> 00:57:29.942
When we were dating, I was eager to plan dates because I had to.

00:57:29.942 --> 00:57:33.500
To get to know you, to get close to you, I had to do all these things.

00:57:33.500 --> 00:57:35.802
But when you're living together, I don't have to plan those things.

00:57:35.802 --> 00:57:39.764
To get close to you, the whole reason to plan those things goes away.

00:57:44.755 --> 00:57:50.887
So many of the things ought are automatic before, because a man has to do them he doesn't have to do here, and this feeling of I have to do something that's called work.

00:57:50.887 --> 00:57:55.362
Work is I have to do things, life is I get to do things.

00:57:55.362 --> 00:57:59.155
That's the estrogen part fun, love, joy, I get to.

00:57:59.155 --> 00:58:01.922
So now he doesn't have his automatic I.

00:58:01.922 --> 00:58:05.976
I have to accept his work so the work will give him interest.

00:58:05.976 --> 00:58:06.918
She'll become jealous.

00:58:06.918 --> 00:58:08.041
His work is more important.

00:58:08.041 --> 00:58:09.626
He's more excited about work than her.

00:58:09.626 --> 00:58:17.259
All these things come in, and what he has to be educated at that time is first, you have to know how to ask him for what you want.

00:58:17.259 --> 00:58:19.244
Most women don't know how to ask what they want.

00:58:19.244 --> 00:58:20.436
They're afraid of looking needy.

00:58:20.436 --> 00:58:28.809
And the ultimate of romance is asking a man to do something that you could do yourself and he does it for you.

00:58:28.809 --> 00:58:30.393
I just it's amazing logic.

00:58:30.393 --> 00:58:31.496
I analyze romance.

00:58:31.617 --> 00:58:35.326
This is right and you started with that, which is crazy, it's crazy.

00:58:35.346 --> 00:58:36.655
I mean, that's what a restaurant is.

00:58:36.655 --> 00:58:38.318
You take your girlfriend to a restaurant.

00:58:38.318 --> 00:58:40.762
The cook is doing something for you that you don't have to do.

00:58:40.762 --> 00:58:41.824
You could, you know.

00:58:41.824 --> 00:58:43.005
You go to a hotel.

00:58:43.005 --> 00:58:49.036
The hotel is cleaning the room, setting it all up, cleaning up afterwards all these things you could do for yourself.

00:58:49.036 --> 00:58:52.148
You don't have to do for yourself you, so you relax.

00:58:52.148 --> 00:58:54.737
What women need is this context to relax.

00:58:54.797 --> 00:58:58.108
More romance is very, very important, but you can create this now.

00:58:58.108 --> 00:58:59.675
This is a hack that wasn't in that book.

00:58:59.675 --> 00:59:19.019
My later books have all these hacks, which is how to feel that when you're in stage three, particularly in stage three, the first knowledge that has to be taught and this is in Men Are From Mars is that every act of love as far as women are concerned, is every act of love, big or small, has the same effect.

00:59:19.019 --> 00:59:21.885
So you can make more money, I'll love you the same.

00:59:21.885 --> 00:59:26.480
But if you were to make more money and bring me some flowers, that's an extra point.

00:59:26.480 --> 00:59:32.619
If you 25 flowers, that's an extra point, but bring me one flower, that's an extra point.

00:59:32.619 --> 00:59:36.927
So explaining to a man you don't have to do big thing.

00:59:36.927 --> 00:59:37.817
Big things are good.

00:59:37.817 --> 00:59:38.559
That's important.

00:59:38.559 --> 00:59:46.536
I wouldn't have married you if you didn't have a job, okay, I wouldn't commit with you.

00:59:46.536 --> 00:59:47.130
I wouldn't be having sex with you if you didn't have married you.

00:59:47.130 --> 00:59:48.114
If you didn't have a job, okay, I wouldn't commit with you.

00:59:48.114 --> 00:59:48.686
I wouldn't be having sex with you if you didn't have a job.

00:59:48.686 --> 00:59:49.387
All right, that's this that puts.

00:59:49.387 --> 00:59:51.784
See, when a man doesn't have a job, you go into your mothering hormones, which are not sex hormones.

00:59:51.784 --> 00:59:53.065
Okay, you start giving more, automatically.

00:59:53.065 --> 01:00:04.608
See, to children you can give more because they need you, but what you want is a man activates a woman's sex, which it's a man that doesn't need her but needs to provide for her.

01:00:04.809 --> 01:00:05.960
That's the great thing about men.

01:00:05.960 --> 01:00:09.257
We're not looking for a mama to take care of us and if he is, run the other direction.

01:00:09.257 --> 01:00:14.556
We're looking for a woman who's who's a princess in distress and wants a man to kill the dragon.

01:00:14.556 --> 01:00:16.637
That's the whole story of life right there.

01:00:16.637 --> 01:00:17.780
It's still true.

01:00:17.780 --> 01:00:19.242
It's still it's still true.

01:00:19.882 --> 01:00:24.288
But when a woman already has a huge castle and she's got a military and an army, what does she need him for?

01:00:24.288 --> 01:00:27.010
What every queen needs, this doesn't get.

01:00:27.010 --> 01:00:41.164
It is a man who cares about her more than anybody else, who's committed to her who provides a kind of support that says she is loved okay, direct support, that she is loved and the way that is.

01:00:41.164 --> 01:00:43.235
And she doesn't really know what that means.

01:00:43.235 --> 01:00:49.536
And so if you look at the woman who became the princess in Japan, as soon as she became princess, she was depressed.

01:00:49.536 --> 01:00:55.199
She doesn't understand that when you have everything on a survival level, you have a whole new set of needs.

01:00:55.739 --> 01:00:56.561
And this is a woman.

01:00:56.561 --> 01:00:59.536
Today she's beyond survival because she can get a job.

01:00:59.536 --> 01:01:01.219
So what does she need now?

01:01:01.219 --> 01:01:03.282
This is just as important or more important.

01:01:03.282 --> 01:01:10.222
If she has survival, what she needs is a new kind of emotional support, and this is what you click into in stage three.

01:01:10.222 --> 01:01:11.105
You educate him.

01:01:11.105 --> 01:01:11.536
It's just.

01:01:11.536 --> 01:01:18.003
What I need is lots of expressions of love, and there's a nice little book out there called the Five Love Languages.

01:01:18.003 --> 01:01:18.864
Are you familiar with that?

01:01:19.306 --> 01:01:22.264
Actually, yes, I'm going to be reading that for my next guest.

01:01:24.635 --> 01:01:26.018
Actually, yes, I'm I'm going to be reading that for my next guest.

01:01:26.018 --> 01:01:27.262
I'm interested to learn about it from my point of view.

01:01:27.262 --> 01:01:38.059
If you ask john gray what I think about the five love languages, yes, you can always have a preference, but every woman should know every one of those love languages is important, for estrogen is important estrogen.

01:01:38.059 --> 01:01:47.021
Now, if a man, a man, can have some of those love languages but just know when you're giving that support to him, his estrogen is going up.

01:01:47.021 --> 01:01:53.041
And for men, our problem today is our testosterone is low and we need an estrogen.

01:01:53.041 --> 01:01:55.067
Going up pushes testosterone down.

01:01:55.067 --> 01:01:57.193
It's still important for me to have estrogen.

01:01:57.193 --> 01:02:03.963
I can't get an erection without estrogen, but my testosterone has to be really high and the estrogen has to be rising.

01:02:03.963 --> 01:02:06.101
So that's the male and female side.

01:02:06.141 --> 01:02:08.190
So Gary does not in that book.

01:02:08.190 --> 01:02:11.105
I don't know what his other books do, but I know in that book that's most popular.

01:02:11.105 --> 01:02:16.523
He talks about the five love languages and every man needs to understand those love languages.

01:02:16.523 --> 01:02:20.117
All five of them are for your wife's wellbeing and happiness.

01:02:20.117 --> 01:02:25.677
And then add to that little things of those little things make the big difference.

01:02:25.677 --> 01:02:31.094
You don't have to just make big about some money or have big cars and big insurance.

01:02:31.094 --> 01:02:33.139
All you know the basics of life.

01:02:33.139 --> 01:02:38.903
When you get to survival, particularly for women, what they need is a lot of those little things.

01:02:39.003 --> 01:02:42.918
So what that would look like in my marriage, for example, is every time I see my wife, I give her a hug.

01:02:42.918 --> 01:02:44.181
Every time I say goodbye to her, I give her.

01:02:44.181 --> 01:02:46.164
That can happen four times a day.

01:02:46.164 --> 01:02:48.898
I get up, give her a hug, goodbye, give her a hug.

01:02:48.898 --> 01:02:56.342
And when I give her a hug, biologically I hold her my arms, I surround her with my arms and I don't go inside.

01:02:56.342 --> 01:02:58.726
Then she's holding me, that I'm the baby.

01:02:58.726 --> 01:03:06.715
Put my arms around her like that and I hold her and in my mind I count to six, okay, and I feel I love you.

01:03:06.715 --> 01:03:10.784
And on one of those four hugs a day, I will tell her I love you so much.

01:03:11.445 --> 01:03:14.277
You have to express the words of love.

01:03:14.277 --> 01:03:17.826
They have to be expressed now if you want to amplify that.

01:03:17.826 --> 01:03:24.106
This is the best technique I know, which is for the woman to say do, do you love me?

01:03:24.106 --> 01:03:27.259
And for the man to say, yes, I love you with all my heart.

01:03:27.259 --> 01:03:30.865
That's two people doing it together.

01:03:31.126 --> 01:03:32.637
Don't just expect a man to say it.

01:03:32.637 --> 01:03:34.664
Ask for the man to say it.

01:03:34.664 --> 01:03:35.847
And why do you ask?

01:03:35.847 --> 01:03:39.757
Because think about what every woman feels in the beginning of a relationship.

01:03:39.757 --> 01:03:40.478
Does he like me?

01:03:40.478 --> 01:03:41.300
Am I beautiful?

01:03:41.300 --> 01:03:42.422
Is he still attracted to me?

01:03:42.422 --> 01:03:43.364
Does he want to be with me?

01:03:43.364 --> 01:03:44.166
Does he want to marry me?

01:03:44.166 --> 01:03:46.429
Your mind is thinking those things all the time.

01:03:46.429 --> 01:03:54.764
Thinking those things is the most estrogen stimulating thing you can do if you reveal that to him and so you tell him.

01:03:54.764 --> 01:03:56.311
This is like a little game I'm going to do.

01:03:56.311 --> 01:04:04.146
Sometimes I feel insecure and I know you love me, but sometimes I start to doubt it and so I'm'm just gonna say it and then you can say it back and it feels really good.

01:04:04.246 --> 01:04:05.306
It's like a form of sex.

01:04:05.306 --> 01:04:14.643
It's emotional sex magic, and what women have to know is that men don't feel love all the time.

01:04:14.643 --> 01:04:17.708
Okay, we have this muscle mass, this testosterone levels.

01:04:17.708 --> 01:04:20.706
When my testosterone goes up, I'm not like feeling love.

01:04:20.706 --> 01:04:25.539
If you want to go into battle, you have a mechanism inside of you that disconnects from estrogen.

01:04:25.539 --> 01:04:28.369
While your testogen shoots, testosterone shoots up.

01:04:28.849 --> 01:04:36.400
You know you're feeling love all the time, but as the enlightened man and the married man, I want to be able to feel love with my partner, and so when I'm with her.

01:04:36.400 --> 01:04:39.347
If she does that, she goes that way.

01:04:39.347 --> 01:04:41.077
Of course I have to say yes, because I do love her.

01:04:41.077 --> 01:04:42.981
But you ask a do you love your wife?

01:04:42.981 --> 01:04:45.146
Yes, do you feel in love with your wife?

01:04:45.146 --> 01:04:48.480
Big difference, okay big, do you feel it?

01:04:49.014 --> 01:04:54.800
So now even some men have written books saying that love is not a feeling and that it's an action.

01:04:54.800 --> 01:04:56.722
And love is an action, it's a loving act.

01:04:56.722 --> 01:05:01.246
An action can be loving, but the actual feel, love, is powerful.

01:05:01.246 --> 01:05:06.572
So when a man says I love you because a woman asked him, he will feel it more.

01:05:06.572 --> 01:05:09.958
He will be like planting his flag.

01:05:09.958 --> 01:05:17.362
And when you plant your flag, your brain automatically starts remembering how much I love her and it will continue to grow over time.

01:05:17.795 --> 01:05:18.820
It's the same thing for men.

01:05:18.820 --> 01:05:22.005
If a man doesn't know what he's going to do today, he'll just lay in bed.

01:05:22.005 --> 01:05:25.420
He has to have a goal and the goal is out there.

01:05:25.420 --> 01:05:27.583
Then his brain tells him what you have to do.

01:05:27.583 --> 01:05:32.125
And the same thing when you plant that flag and say, yes, I love you.

01:05:32.125 --> 01:05:33.146
Do you think I'm beautiful?

01:05:33.146 --> 01:05:34.641
Yes, I think you're beautiful.

01:05:34.641 --> 01:05:42.423
Then his brain goes into okay, what are the things I have to do to keep reassuring my wife that she's beautiful, that I love her, that I want to be with her.

01:05:42.423 --> 01:05:43.646
I'll be with her the rest of my life.

01:05:44.447 --> 01:05:51.623
Well, thank you for all the biohacks and your time and you're just absolutely amazing and thank you from the bottom of my heart.

01:05:51.623 --> 01:05:55.219
I just absolutely adore you and I think you're just a treasure you really are.

01:05:55.219 --> 01:06:07.195
And for now, this week's shot at love dating tips that are inspired by Dr John Gray, the world's most well-known relationship expert.

01:06:07.195 --> 01:06:13.688
Number one avoid giving to receive, which might work for women but won't work with men.

01:06:13.688 --> 01:06:16.403
Know that giving more will not get you more.

01:06:16.403 --> 01:06:20.947
Number two feeling appreciation and being receptive go a long way.

01:06:20.947 --> 01:06:26.423
Being receptive embodies feminine energy and is a woman's best friend when building attraction.

01:06:27.014 --> 01:06:37.219
Number three in his book Mars and Venus on a Date, dr John Gray writes how the cave can be the problem of all problems, but it's not a problem if we understand it.

01:06:37.219 --> 01:06:38.664
Men need space.

01:06:38.664 --> 01:06:40.628
It's not your fault, it's biological.

01:06:40.628 --> 01:06:42.340
So give them the time they need.

01:06:42.340 --> 01:06:43.885
Don't worry, they'll be back.

01:06:43.885 --> 01:06:51.202
I hope you found some of my tips helpful this week.

01:06:51.202 --> 01:06:54.717
This is what Shot at Love is here for to help you find love.

01:06:54.717 --> 01:07:00.018
Keep up the commitment to yourself and commit to helping someone else by sharing this podcast.

01:07:00.018 --> 01:07:06.742
Stay safe and stay tuned for more episodes and if you like this show, please subscribe and leave a five-star review.

01:07:06.742 --> 01:07:09.242
I'm Carrie Brett and we'll see you next time.