One Love With One Love CEO Katie Hood

spk_0:   0:03
I'm carry Bret and you're listening to shot at love. Isn't it time you took a shot at love? Took a shot from yourself? I believe you are worthy of true love. Is there a more effective way to date? Can you find love? Hell, yeah, and I'm gonna show you how it's done. I'm Carrie Bread. Today we have Katie Hood. She is the CEO of one love Welcome.

spk_1:   0:34
Yeah, thanks for having me.

spk_0:   0:35
Katie is basically the Erin Brockovich of healthy love. She has been raising awareness across the country. Why don't you tell me in our listeners a little bit of what one love is?

spk_1:   0:47
I'm actually involved with one love because of a tragedy that happened to my one of my closest friends. Her cousin Yardley Love was killed at the University of Virginia by her ex boyfriend in 2010. I was one of the first friends in the door to hear what had happened and realized at that moment and, you know, continue to be a learning process over the time that would pass that literally nobody in her life thought she was at risk for something like this. She was a division one college athlete. He was a Division one college athlete. This is not who this issue effects. And yet, as time passed and I started learning more about abuse and domestic violence and how incredibly prevalent it is, but it's the issue none of us really talk about. I started to realize that we really need to get ahead of this, that her family really realized after the trial that if a domestic violence expert had been dropped into the middle of that friend group, they would have immediately understood that the warning signs were there. But there were no domestic violence experts in that friend group, and it's easier to call what people were seeing drama or crazy or too much drinking than it is to think you have an abusive situation that actually needs help. Basically, our family realize that you're Lee's death was preventable and that many of these deaths are preventable, but that if you're not educating people from the earliest time of their lives about the warning signs of abuse, but equally important the fundamentals of healthy and unhealthy relationships that we're just never gonna get there. The research shows that kids go to their friends for advice about their relationships. We need to empower friends with the information to understand what people are seeing and knowing how to get help. So that's what we do at one love. We're bringing education around the country and mobilizing kids to lead and help their friends.

spk_0:   2:27
I saw your Ted talk, which is incredible, and it's reached almost five million people, so we're affected. This is an epidemic that's in our world today. I think three people today will die from domestic abuse violence, usually in relationships. I think you said in your Ted talk that without the education that couldn't be no improvement. There was a reason why I always wanted to have some kind of women's shelter that I could be a part of. That was always my goal. I was brought to you by a friend. I'm always interested in being around people who are in transition, and I just showed up one night and I felt like the's are my people and you're so inspiring to me and I'm so excited that you're here. So Yardley's mom said to you when you first started this, that she wanted to start a movement that was like mothers against drinking and driving. That movement started in the eighties, and I just think to myself imagine if one love was around in the eighties

spk_1:   3:32
first coincidence that her mom did not know about when she put mad out there is the North Star. The coincidences that carry Lightner, who was the girl who was killed, whose mom started mad, was killed on May 3rd, 1980 Yardley was killed on May 3rd, 2010. So I found that out way after the fact. But I don't think that's an accident. I think that what Mothers Against Drunk Driving and other activists in that space managed to do in just, you know, 30 years, which is a long time. And yet they change social norms. Deaths by drunk driving have dropped by 55% during that time. And, you see, I mean the even ride share lift uber, we've created a whole market around people helping people get around. So you avoid drunk driving. So the idea is very similar. What they did to get that done. Of course, policy change was part of it, but they really gave people a language and an understanding of the role of friends. Right? Friends don't let friends drive drunk bystanders take away the keys. And that kind of language that gives friends instructions on what to do is really simple. And it seems like a worthwhile thing to attempt here, too,

spk_0:   4:41
right? So the language, you know. So I say friends don't let friends drink and tender. And, you know, here we have a situation where everyone deserves healthy love. Everyone deserves love, Period. You can't have healthy love and strive for healthy love unless you understand some of this which is not taught to Children, right. And now it's being taught in colleges, thankfully. But I started to see that I connect the two, that the stigma around online dating was the same way that people people would tend to shy away from discussions around abuse and violence. If you could see people's face. When I was on tender when it first came out, people just thought I was nuts, but I didn't want to be alone, but I was all alone. Instead of being isolated, any bad, unhealthy relationship, I was just isolated outside of Austin in suburbia, with no a self help book no guidance. That's hard. And so now, with the writing and the tender tips and everything that I have, I can profoundly change how they do online. I didn't mean to, You know, I never That was ever the thought. It was kind of never thought it would have a podcast. It was just help one person help the next person. And then I was like, Wow, there's no information and out of protection I found the information because I was tired and I also study people's patterns, and it was someone who could do that anyway, because my photography job, they're the same signs. You know, there's no warning labels on tender. Do you want to talk about maybe the tips like that you have on the on the card or some of the things that are really important to young people?

spk_1:   6:22
Yeah, So I think one of the major things that Yardley's family realized early on is that there is research about how unhealthy and abusive relationships unfold, and it's always the same way, right? If you can teach about the sign that and that and the crazy thing is that the first thing that usually happens is that you get Uist off your feet. It might seem like the best relationship you've ever been in, right, And that's what we've all been looking for. I mean, I think that's the thing. That's really it's an intense start. It's exciting. You think maybe this is the one. We're all trained, especially girls from a very young age to be looking for, the one who's going to somehow complete us. I think why that is confusing is you feel like you've found what you're looking for, and then you sort of don't call the next stage what it really is. What the next stage is is isolation, where you're sort of pulled away from everyone in your existing support system, so to speak, to be tethered more tightly, thio this person and this person alone because control is the fundamental thing that abusive people do is they want you tethered to them and you alone. But we call it things like he just loves you so much he wants to spend less time with you or you guys are so in love. You know, of course, like I understand it, we call it different things. We call it the wrong things. So I think the same realization that there are patterns and there are signs and that the one I love the most is that relationships are human. It doesn't matter the color your skin, who you want to be with relationships or human. If we can teach a framework and we are framework is called the 10 Signs. 10 Signs of Healthy relationships 10 signs of unhealthy relationships. If we can give a word to these things, then we can actually give people a really efficient and effective way to gut check where they are.

spk_0:   8:02
If I look at just those examples, and then I put it to what I teach, the 1st 1 is the relationship starts out with. You're so adored. So this is very dangerous because women, when they start dating someone, if they think they have, you stay tuned because going silent is coming next. So going silent is a move to see how much control we actually have

spk_1:   8:26
here. Yeah, it's about the push poll. So unhealthy relationships and it may be the same on tender. You would know the person who does these things gets a charge out of drawing you close shoving you away, drawing you close, shoving you away. It's so confusing when you're in it because the highest are so high, right? And then the lows air there and you're just baffled by it, right? So I don't know if it's the same with tender, but that going dark is the shovel way. All right, let's see if you'll stick around. And if you'll come back and how much more desperate as the days go by, you will be for that hole.

spk_0:   8:56
My boyfriend and I went out the day before our first date Tinder date. We went out the day before Easter and we had an amazing eight and I have really liked him. And it seemed like you really liked me. Well, the next day was Easter, so he didn't call me, but he didn't know what to dio. The third day, he panicked in, sent me flowers. I did something that was stupid because I didn't have the information. And thankfully he saw a girl who was trying really hard to get it right. I sent him a text to thank him for the date on Easter. He didn't respond to the text, so I sent it again because I don't like to be ignored. Well, nobody really does. You know, that could have been taken as this is crazy, you know? But it gets dicey in the beginning. Even if two people are supposed to be together and when you don't have someone to call that has that experience untended. Er that says, hold your cards. Close your vast pal like don't send that text. Don't send double texts. You know, that's why I have a tender tip that is, don't send multiple double texts.

spk_1:   10:00
Well, I think though it's really interesting because I think so many of us are trained to this pattern of push poll. Like a lot of our early relationships, like you get trained to a certain way of behaving. You have a great experience, and you're like, this is gonna be different. And then when they don't touch you the next day, like

spk_0:   10:18
Oh, no.

spk_1:   10:18
Is this not different? I got to get a response. I got to know now, I don't know. All

spk_0:   10:21
right, so this is what I started doing this wiping stories, my life seminar. I started to realize that I had a room filled with women who kept doing the wrong moves over and over again. That was sabotaged a chance they just didn't know what to do. And so when I would say something like, Don't do this, do this. This works well, reframe it like this. I mean, it is astounding to me how many people don't know, you know? So you have a bunch of millions of people who are like high, high, high, high high. It's not gonna Someone opens with, like, high that's useless. You have to get the conversation going, so people are afraid to say, like something interesting and push it. I try to find out what people like Do they like riding horses? And he knows I'll come up with something. You know, I always pushed it creatively because people like things to keep them on their toes. They like things that take people who have the guts to take a chance. And so I had enough experience, enough rejections and the enough things that didn't work out. But they weren't gonna work out anyways that every move I made, I learned something new, and then I was able to share it, and people never would even think that in the morning. So something like Hello, sunshine. You know, say, talk about the weather, talk about anything, but just be interesting. Smart, funny. Be yourself. All the education, the language, something that's so hot love, which is the most used word in the dictionary, which obviously been watching a lot of directly for my, uh, here's the most important thing and it's proven this is what you teach to. It's proven that if you have an unhealthy situation and impact your health well being your family relationships, your job, you can leave your home. I mean, everything can fall apart in a domino effect. And now, thankfully, from one love, we have the language. We have the education and place. You know, I'm working on my end to get the language and the messaging out there as well. But this is why I just think you're so inspiring,

spk_1:   12:26
so grateful you're here. Well, I was gonna say were never taught how to talk about relationships. It's like something you learn on the fly you're nervous about. I mean, think back to when you were in 6th 7th 8th 9th 10th grade. You're like looking for guidance anywhere but but nobody's really saying, like so this is healthy. This is unhealthy. And so you end up just like reading local, like reading cues and figuring it out as you go. But you don't have to do that. And it's the same with online dating. The reason people are nervous is because this is new and especially for someone of our era, like we didn't grow up this way like we grew up going to the bar and hoping there was somebody cool there that we would connect with. But it was very face to face, like having this in between. It's a completely new area. So if you d stigmatized these conversations and give people tools or advice or tips that they can practically put into their lives right away, you're not going to solve every problem. You're not gonna guarantee. Everybody has a perfect tinder experience, but you're gonna help people. And we always say, like if we can change the stats, So instead of one in three women and one in four men, it becomes one in five and one in 10 and one in six. What's the trickle effect of that? And I think it's the same with you. How do you start conversations that people can absorb easily and then practically start putting into place in their life?

spk_0:   13:43
Here are today's tender tips I thought I would read one loves 10 signs of an unhealthy relationship. Number one intensity number two Possessiveness number three manipulation number four, Isolation for five sabotage for six be literally and were seven guilting number eight motility and we're nine. Betrayal number 10 deflecting responsibility. Just that one idea that I had, that I was gonna put myself in front of a crowd and have this conversation. It was really scary. But the misperceptions that if you were someone like me 43 at the time when I was on tender any working mother in suburbia, whether you're 30 40 or 50 and you go online and you join tender than your perceived is desperate. But that doesn't happen to men. Yeah, I was desperate. I was hurting, and I didn't want to be alone anymore. And I don't have a problem saying that I felt us right. But that's the elephant in the room that people don't want to talk about.

spk_1:   15:03
Well, it comes back to the stigma around you know, if you don't, if you're not selected for female women, women, this pressure to be sort of selected and parrot off and it's okay for guys to be on the hunt, it's not okay for girls to be on the hunt if you want to use an expression like that. But what I will say is I think that both men and women are really hungry for clarity, and I don't think it's just about being our age. I think young people were, you know, they're getting handed these tools and they're sort of like, Wait, what are the rules here? You know what? What? What do we do? And it's not just girls who are curious. I think there's guys, too, and that's what we're really seeing with our program is that a lot of people initially will say to us, Oh, you're helping young women. I'm like we are, But we're also helping boys because most boys wanna have healthy relationships, too. They just don't most of the time know how and they adopt the social norms around them and then all of a sudden they find themselves in situations they don't want to be in either. So I think in both cases it's like this idea that people are hungry for clarity and information that can help them leave healthier and happier lives.

spk_0:   16:08
There is so much confusion are around online dating, and it's changing every day. But if you think about things that are new, you know, so people were afraid of Airbnb ease, and they were afraid of uber's. When they first came out, it was because it was new. Online dating is not going away. Is on Lee gonna be growing? I really am happy to speak out. And if I can help one person, then it was worth it. I didn't have anywhere to turn,

spk_1:   16:33
Yeah, 100%. So when

spk_0:   16:35
I think about how I pulled myself out of the situation that I was in about six years ago, I'm always someone who loves self help books. That was always in my wheelhouse, and one day I was cleaning my house. I like Thio, you know, it's like podcasts. You want a multi task and it said Carrie, based on what you listen, Thio, we think you'll love this book and I look at it and the book was called Mr unavailable in the fall. Back Girl by Natalie Lou and Natalie Lou, This woman from England who has helped millions and millions of women navigate out of a situation like this. She's funny. She's brilliant writer, and she started this movement after one bad date. Unlike Okay, I'm gonna listen to this. It gave me the education in the tools to say, Oh, my God, this isn't me. In your look at it now, with online dating, it's like, you know, these people like it didn't work. I'm like, it's not gonna work with Christie Brinkley. You know, it's disguise of Mr Unavailable. He's not gonna be available for anyone. He's just looking for attention. An ego boost. Luczak, I reframe your thinking. So Natalie was a gift from God and got me on the right track. And then one swipe one day at a time, I was able to find love. So the educations keep without education, we're sunk. So tell me about what one love does. Tell me a little bit more information,

spk_1:   18:00
what you described with the book where you read the book and it was like an ah ha eye opening moment of like, Oh, this is what I've been dealing with. That's the moment we're tryingto bring to everyone. So we create films, all kinds of films, all different lengths that are fictional stories about different kinds of couples. And in those stories you'll see all of our program's anchor to our 10 signs of unhealthy relationships. We create these films, and then people bring them to the kids they love, either in classrooms or after school programs or churches or teams or whatever. And they lead discussions about what you see in these films, and what it ends up doing is we start labeling the behaviors that are in the films, and then we start talking about what the flip healthy side of that would be. So what you have is I've been in a 1,000,000 of these workshops. You can watch people watching the film and you can see in their faces that they're having this Ah ha moment that they have seen this before. It's been them. Oh my gosh, I had no idea that what I experienced and felt was actually this and then you see them transition to the discussion portion where they're finding each other. So this idea that we tend to suffer our relationships in isolation, but it is something common we all can talk about. We just have to have the structure place to do it and the opportunity to do it. So what I would say is, if you go to our website, which is joined one Love dot or GE all letters, what you can find is all of these films. All of the instructions about the discussion guides, how to be trained, how to hold a workshop. And we raise money philanthropic Lee to create these tools. And we make them freely available so that anyone anywhere can access them and use them to talk to the people they love about relationship health. And we really are working to create a space around relationship health, like back to what you said. The research is very clear. The health of our relationships dictates nearly every outcome in our life, right? And if it's that important, mental health, physical health, social outcomes, if it's that important, why aren't we trying to get ahead of this and give everybody a baseline? So that's the shot on goal that we're taking is we're going to be the creator of content. Clear language. Resource. Is that anyone anywhere? You don't have to be an expert because I say this all the time now, like if you really think about it, the one thing all of us probably have more experience. And no matter what you do for a profession or where you live, it's relationships. Relationships are part of our lives from day one, and so we have all this experience and we've never been able to organize it in structure and analyze it and learn from it. And so our goal is that people can use our tools that we create to bring this conversation to their communities. And I think the feedback we're getting is that the people are so hungry for this.

spk_0:   20:39
Oh my God, they're so hungry, So hungry. So it's amazing. And so I've had a lot of students to come through. The sweepings worry, and what's interesting to me is I threw a lot at them. It's like everything in the kitchen sink. You know, I come out. It's very fast, entertaining and funny, and I have all these signs where I say, you know, spot the signs and I make it funny and I say This is what this person is. It's amazing to me how many people is coming to meet the TEM with story and that I will say this guy's not viable. And then they'll say, How do you know that? I said, Did you remember number seven? Remember, number eight or whatever, And they say I missed that. I missed that one. How'd I miss that one? I wrote everything down in your class. You missed it because you hadn't lifter it. And the reason why I have them all is because I've lived through all of them, right? And say

spk_1:   21:27
you're sharing it with others.

spk_0:   21:28
Unless you get burned like I did, that wasn't gonna happen anymore, right? Well, this is fabulous. I will definitely add in these signs of unhealthy relationships. And the 10 signs of a healthy relationship is part of my tender tips and give one love credit. Thank you. Because I think this is awesome. And I am so excited to have you as a guest. And I'm so grateful. And I think your life's work is to say, admirable at best.

spk_1:   21:57
Well, it's it's definitely rewarding because I think like what you're doing like sure, the big vision has changed. Social norms change. Statistics. Do what? Mothers against drunk driving dead. But every day we do the work. We're helping individuals with their lives, and I think there's nothing more rewarding.

spk_0:   22:14
That's awesome. That's incredible. Well, thank you so much.

spk_1:   22:16
Thank you so much.

spk_0:   22:18
I hope you enjoy today's episode with Katie Hood, CEO of One Love. If you'd like to find more information, you can go to join one love dot See you next time.